Slipper Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I typically get along well with my in-laws. This summer I was startled to have a very bad experience with my FIL and his wife (step-MIL). It went incredibly badly to the point where DH does not talk with them. After coming home from our bad summer trip, my youngest actually had nightmares of FIL (her grandfather) coming to kill us. My middle daughter told my mother about the bad words she had heard (the F word, @ss, etc) from FIL. I can't stress enough how out of character this is for FIL. I have never heard him use poor language or act in this manner. When middle dd was in the hospital recently, she was there for five days with an appendix that ruptured during surgery. After three days, we felt that his father should probably be told but neither of us wanted to call. My mother called and let them know about the hospitalization and told them that we wanted them to know but hadn't had a chance to call. They immediately called us both (DH wouldn't answer but I did) and came to the hospital to visit. The visit went well except he tried to argue with me a few times. He would say very sarcastically, "Well, SLIPPER, nobody tells me anything so how would I know?" (The subject was about his ex-wife's current husband being ill). Whenever he became sarcastic I changed the subject. I was a bit shocked that he would start an argument in front of dd while we were at the hospital. (DD was still on morphine so was a bit oblivious. She was just happy that they came to visit.) I also noticed at that visit that he was angry at everything. He was angry at the traffic, talked about wanting to snap parent's heads off at church, mad at the power company, etc. I honestly worry that maybe the changes we see are part of a medical problem. We always host holidays at our house and invite everyone. I think there is a very good (almost excellent) chance that he will cause a scene at my house, on a holiday, in front of the kids. I dread thinking about it, even though we have a while until Thanksgiving. DH says that he doesn't want him invited, but I think he would just show up anyway. (He currently thinks we are trying to keep him from the kids which hasn't been true, but may actually happen as awful as that sounds). Step-MIL has been manipulative but she tries to avoid fighting but FIL blows up at every little thing (including the fact that we've been visiting MIL a lot since her husband has been in the hospital for the past 7 weeks). We're not inviting him, but if he shows up, should I meet him in the yard and tell him that if he causes a scene he'll have to leave? (DH can't do it because they were so angry last time I was afraid FIL was going to hit him, seriously.) I hate to sound like a Jerry Springer show, because we aren't drama seeking people, but I'm worried, upset and embarrassed at the potential of what could happen. (Not to mention the fact that my family is livid about how he yelled at me this summer). Suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Has he seen a dr recently? My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer about 3 years ago. She never had this symptom but I've heard from numerous other people that the first sign of something wrong (that they didn't think about of course) was a drastic change in personality, things that seemed totally out of character. I might suggest to MIL that he get evaluated by a dr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Has he seen a dr recently? My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer about 3 years ago. She never had this symptom but I've heard from numerous other people that the first sign of something wrong (that they didn't think about of course) was a drastic change in personality, things that seemed totally out of character. I might suggest to MIL that he get evaluated by a dr. I don't think he's seen a doctor recently. Our relationship isn't the sort where I can suggest a doctor visit either. I think I would be accused of trying to shift blame (since they blame me for most of the problems anyway). I want to suggest it, but I just don't know how. ETA I wanted to add that I've known FIL for about 16 years and we have always had a warm relationship. They have always credited me for keeping things going strong for our family and for bringing DH back to a good relationship with them (they had a rocky teen-age years with him). It's only been in the past 6 months that I have suddenly turned into an evil person in his eyes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) I would think the sudden change in personality could signal a medical disorder, but I understand you aren't in a position to do anything about it. They seem to be aware that there has been tension in your relationship. Can you be up front and suggest an alternate Thanksgiving meal with him? Perhaps one before Thanksgiving Day? I would say that you would love to see them near the holidays, but not on Thanksgiving Day. ETA: You could say that tensions are high, too many people are having issues, the kids are feeling sensitive to stress, whatever you think is best. I wouldn't want to cook two meals, so I'd probably suggest a restaurant. ;) Edited September 10, 2012 by Julianna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I agree, tell step-MIL to get him to a doctor. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissad2 Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I agree he needs to see a Dr. ASAP preferably with someone who will be honest with the doctor about personality changes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Do you happen to know who his doctor *is*? Call and speak to the doctor or at least to a nurse. They cannot say anything to *you* about your FIL's health, but they can record your concerns. Try to leave out the emotion, but state strongly and accurately the nature of the sudden and extreme changes you are seeing in his behavior. And then BEG them to call him up and make an excuse to get him in to the office. ... Is there any way you could get his wife on board? Surely she's also concerned about the changes in his behavior? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Sudden personality changes are major red flags. He needs to see a doctor asap. This could be a brain tumor. There are conditions that bring on dementia as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I agree with everyone else. If things are this bad where he'd show up and you wouldn't let him in, I don't know what you have to lose by gently suggesting to his wife that you are concerned about the personality change and hope she can convince him to see his doctor. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Family fights (if they get physical) in your home often result in an arrest. I would be sure to set firm boundaries for all in person visits. (The book Boundaries) is a wonderful resource. :iagree:He may need to see a doctor, but protecting your family is more important; as you may not be able to force him to see one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 I agree with everyone else. If things are this bad where he'd show up and you wouldn't let him in, I don't know what you have to lose by gently suggesting to his wife that you are concerned about the personality change and hope she can convince him to see his doctor. :grouphug: If he's convinced that you're the bad guy, if you tell him you think he's suffering from a brain problem, he'll just get angrier that you're trying to make him look like the one with the problem, when he believes you are the one with the problem. But, as the above quote says, if it's already that bad, then what's one more "bad thing" for you to have done. At least you'll have said your piece and will have tried to help. But I can see where that conversation would be extremely awkward and would probably set him off right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 This is how dh's grandmother was when she began with Alzheimers...lots and lots of out-of-character anger from a woman who had once prided herself on her Edwardian manners. She refused to be tested at first, but eventually she became a irratic which caused the neighbors to call 911, which caused paramedics to decide she might be a harm to herself or someone else so they called P.D., and an officer gave them permission to take her in against her will. The E.R. doctor called for a psyche consult and that's how she was diagnosed. I really wish she had listened and let MIL take her to the doctor much sooner. I think all you can do is mention it to your step-mil and let the chips fall. I would keep the kids away from him if this continues. DH's grandma went from just verbal anger to physically lashing out in about "90 seconds" if you get my drift. DD was two at the time and we had to end the contact to keep dd from being hurt. It's also harder on older children who can't process this so just be really careful. :grouphug::grouphug: Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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