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When your MIL almost brings your DH to tears


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and makes him age 5 years in the span of 5 minutes, and acts like he's an abusive monster (he smacked DS's hand and yelled at him because he was picking at the skin on his fingers so badly it was almost bleeding and he'd told him not to do it about 50 billion times that day alone), and she makes him feel totally unloved and worthless, AND she calls back after he saw her that day to go through it all again, it's hard to even pretend you don't completely hate her guts :mad: DH's reaction to DS was out of proportion to the situation, but everyone loses their cool once in awhile, and the only reason he got upset was because he was worried about DS hurting himself (bleeding, getting an infection, etc). He later apologized to DS, who had already forgotten the incident and looked completely confused about why his dad was apologizing. Considering MIL told DH, "If I see you do that again, I'll kill you!" I don't think she has much of a right to get on his case about having reactions out of proportion to the situation.

 

I wish she would go away. DH hung up on her last night he was so angry and hurt. I've NEVER seen him this mad in our 13 years of marriage. He is not planning to call her back. He told her he was tired of her acting like he was some sort of abusive monster any time he disciplines our son (99.5% of the time, disciplining him means raising his voice -- the other .5% of the time it will be a little smack on the hand, which is more to get his attention than anything else). He has never once spanked him. DH was spanked as a child -- by his mom. He's never verbally abused our kids. She told him that DS (9, btw) is a "poor, defenseless boy" and asked how my DH can treat him so badly. Yeah? When my DS was 18 months old, MIL smacked him on the hand loud enough for me to hear it in another room, and screamed at him that he was a, "Stupid, stupid boy!" for playing in the toilet. She left the lid up and door open -- we always kept it shut. I think he was more "poor and defenseless" at 18 months than he is at 9 years old, and DH NEVER would have had such an extreme reaction to something like that! The woman is such an idiot! I swear!

 

What really made DH lose it was when she said, "History Kid has changed 200% for the worse! He's depressed!" She's referring to the medication we recently put him on for ADHD. She was totally against the medication, but has kept her mouth shut about it since we put him on it, until now. Some of you may have been following this and KNOW what a hard decision this was and KNOW that we exhausted every other possibility. Everyone else in our life has commented on the positive changes -- he's calmer, he's making eye-contact, he listens when you talk to him, he can carry a conversation. DS wasn't depressed -- he was tired after a day of swimming and playing, and after a night of sneaking up and staying up until past midnight playing a game on his Nook when he was supposed to be sleeping :glare: We told her that's why he was tired. This was mentioned repeatedly. Yeah, and crazy MIL lady, if you think he's showing signs of depression because he moved his chair away from you at the party, it was because you kept poking him over and over like it was a big joke when he was clearly uncomfortable (and when FIL kept telling you, "Leave him alone.") you colossal, moronic, witch! Grrrrr!!!!!!

 

I told DH next time she starts this crap to calmly give her one warning that she needs to stop, and when she continues we either leave, ask her to leave, or he hangs up the phone, depending on the situation, of course. He NEEDS to establish firm boundaries with her. He needs to realize he is never going to have the type of relationship with her that the little boy inside him still desires. He has to let that dream go and have the best possible relationship he can with his mom given her limited capacity to behave like a normal human being. She has some good traits, and he loves her, obviously. I think if he can adjust his expectations and set firm, consistent boundaries with her, he can have a decent (though somewhat superficial) relationship with her. You can't have a genuine relationship with a superficial person -- it's not possible. He needs to come to terms with that. Honestly, I'm proud of him for hanging up on her and for telling me he's going to wait until she calls him. I hope he sticks with it. Her interference has got to stop. I swear my DH hatched out of a pod!

 

And seriously, please -- this is a JAWM post. I want hugs. I want chocolate. I want people saying, "I totally get it -- my MIL is like that too." I want to hear, "Good for you DH for losing it on her! I hope he takes the awesome advice you gave him, Julie, because you're totally right!" If you have a great MIL, I'm truly happy for you. I dated guys with great moms before DH and got a taste of what a beautiful MIL/DIL relationship could be like. Sucks for me that I don't have one. If your MIL died and you wish you had her back so you could work out your differences because time is fleeting, and any moment now you're going to fart roses out of your butt and bluebirds are going to sing for you, congratulations for being a better person than me. The fact that she's still living shows that I'm being the best "me I can be" right about now. Also, as much as it would be a relief to cut her out of MY life, it's not my choice because she's not my mom. DH and the kids love her, and my FIL (a sane, rational, trustworthy man) does his best to keep her reigned in most of the time. I've been researching personality disorders. I honestly think she has one.

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Oh, Julie! What a rough day for you! Sending some virtual chocolate your way. What a mean, mean lady. Good on you for not taking it!

 

I've started telling my MIL off recently. It's so liberating. Misery loves company so here's my recent one. She interupted my day to come over and use my printer because she doesn't have one. She needed it to print out moving stuff. She has since moved over 3000 miles away. First she tried to blame her moving away on me and the fact that "she doesn't get to see the boys". She's never wanted to before and we live 15 minutes away. I just stared at her, mouth gaping. *chirp, chirp* She finally deflected and moved on. Then a few minutes later she reminded me for the fourth time that it was my SIL's birthday (she never, ever remembers mine). The SIL that hasn't spoken to us for 6 years. I finally said, "Yes, I know. Her b-day is 9 days after mine. Just like it has been for the 19 years I've known you." I was so proud of myself! Ahahaa! I know I should just let it roll right off me, but sometimes it feels so good just to pop off!

 

Hope your night gets better!

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Just for you ... okay, you can share with your DH if you'd like. Sounds like he might need chocolate too.

 

godivachocolates-1.jpg

 

Are you allergic to cats? If not then -

 

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRV4lUn7YRrGCg7fbmACWvD5F5FhAbLDIT5N_VIeMm0oDA0GAHdJq2QaMghJQ

 

It's amazing how many options there are when you google "kitten hug image".

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Thank you all for the encouragement, chocolate, signs, and fuzzy kitten hugs :D I'm still amazed that he didn't answer the phone when they called a few minutes ago. I'm a very proud wifey right about now. It also helped that we saw our good friends today and he got to vent to them. Both guys are Eastern European, and both have problems with their moms.

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:grouphug:

 

There is nothing wrong with not ever calling back, you know.

 

This. After 15 years of strife with his mother over our marriage and then the girls, DH decided to, o sever contact. She had berated him outside my eldest's freaking hospital room, the day after DD had been hit by a car, because she didn't think DD was sufficiently polite to her, and this was after telling my youngest that in a picture of her MIL had brought she looked exactly like the devil, "It captured your personality." I was speechless when he told me about the berating later and asked me to sever contact as well. I can handle her myself, but she crossed a line with the kids and is not going to get another chance.

 

Kids > MIL

It's a no-brainer.

 

Sorry for the run-on, but it all had to come out at once.

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

No chocolate here, but I'm sorry. I have a liquor cabinet, if you'd like something. My DH would like to sell his MIL, so I kind of get it...

 

And you know, even if he decides to initiate contact again there's no rule that says you have to go. Not allowing your kids over there could be a hill to die on. It's OK to be assertive when your kids well being is at stake.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

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I'm pretty big into respecting elders and giving people the benefit of the doubt...BUT, I'm outraged for you. I don't know about you, but my dh is pretty busy trying to provide for our family, be a great dad, and a great husband. Those are three tough jobs and he doesn't need his mother treating him that way. I hope he takes a good, long break.

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And seriously, please -- this is a JAWM post. I want hugs. I want chocolate. I want people saying, "I totally get it -- my MIL is like that too." I want to hear, "Good for you DH for losing it on her! I hope he takes the awesome advice you gave him, Julie, because you're totally right!" If you have a great MIL, I'm truly happy for you. I dated guys with great moms before DH and got a taste of what a beautiful MIL/DIL relationship could be like. Sucks for me that I don't have one. If your MIL died and you wish you had her back so you could work out your differences because time is fleeting, and any moment now you're going to fart roses out of your butt and bluebirds are going to sing for you, congratulations for being a better person than me. The fact that she's still living shows that I'm being the best "me I can be" right about now. Also, as much as it would be a relief to cut her out of MY life, it's not my choice because she's not my mom. DH and the kids love her, and my FIL (a sane, rational, trustworthy man) does his best to keep her reigned in most of the time. I've been researching personality disorders. I honestly think she has one.

 

Just wanted to give you :grouphug: I think we have a couple people with personality disorders in our extended family, too.

 

oh, and tell you that this last paragraph had me :lol: :thumbup: :D

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In addition to the chocolate and kitten hugs, I believe you both could benefit from a nice bottle (case?) of wine. I'm so sorry... how horrible. :grouphug: Stay strong and know that you, your DH, and your kids are the ones who matter FIRST. If he never calls back... well, we can't say she doesn't deserve it!!

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

In our case, it's my husband's FIL--otherwise known as *my* dad. I'm a fixer, and I want to make it all better, and I worry about my dad being hurt, despite the fact that he's just told me what a horrible person I am. My husband, like you, gets fed up. My dh hates seeing me hurt. Dad and I had a blow-up 2 weeks ago. We're OK now...after a break. My husband told him that he thought we shouldn't talk for a while.

 

I hope your husband continues to stay strong and not answer the phone. If he's like me, this is hard. It's a lifetime of trying to do the right thing and never getting it right, according to a loved parent.

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I always wanted to have a good MIL relationship because my relationships with my own mothers (biological, foster, and adoptive) were all bad ones. But I don't have that. My MIL is too self-centered for that. I don't think she even hugged my daughter (her only grandchild, probably ever) the last time we saw her. She's hurt my husband in so many ways.

 

Most of the time, people on here, including me, will say to let each spouse handle their own families. That's usually how I feel. But I've twice taken the phone out of my husband's hand, told his other to stop talking to him like that and that she wasn't allowed to talk to him again until she could talk like a reasonable person. There's never any reason for a parent to scream at their adult children. There is no excuse. And nothing says you have to leave him to take it if he isn't ready to draw the line himself.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

In our case, it's my husband's FIL--otherwise known as *my* dad. I'm a fixer, and I want to make it all better, and I worry about my dad being hurt, despite the fact that he's just told me what a horrible person I am. My husband, like you, gets fed up. My dh hates seeing me hurt. Dad and I had a blow-up 2 weeks ago. We're OK now...after a break. My husband told him that he thought we shouldn't talk for a while.

 

I hope your husband continues to stay strong and not answer the phone. If he's like me, this is hard. It's a lifetime of trying to do the right thing and never getting it right, according to a loved parent.

 

You sound a lot like my husband. He always wants to do the right thing. It's hard for him to hurt his parents even though sometime it's necessary. He works hard and is the type of man almost any parent would be proud to have raised. Almost any parent. His mom is never satisfied. It's sad.

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There is nothing wrong with not ever calling back, you know.

 

And you know, even if he decides to initiate contact again there's no rule that says you have to go. Not allowing your kids over there could be a hill to die on. It's OK to be assertive when your kids well being is at stake.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I wouldn't have anything more to do with her, and I certainly wouldn't want her around my children. The woman is toxic.

 

FWIW, your dh might be more than happy to write her off, if he thought you were in favor of it. It's a tough choice to make, but it sounds like he would be better off without her. She sounds cruel and heartless.

 

Is your FIL still alive? Is he a nice man?

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If I were in your shoes, I would probably pick up the phone the next time she calls and let her know exactly what I think of her, and how she's a horrible mother and grandmother for treating your family the way she does. I am not at all shy about standing up for my dh or my child, and it sounds like this woman needs to be called out for her horrible behavior.

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If my mother in law had the audacity to open her mouth with a parenting opinion DH and both wouldlaugh in her face, hang up, or whatever. She knows better, though. DH gave up on having a normal adult child/parent relationship long ago.

The last suggestion she made was that she could take DD for a playdate with her sister. Her sister DH hasn't seen in over ten years because his ex refuses contact. (MIL gets on well with ex and does not disclose in order to maintain her own contact. She won't even share pictures.) DD was a preschooler. I would never trust the woman unsupervised with my child.

I feel you.

Your DH would be better off without her in his life, from the sound of it.

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:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I wouldn't have anything more to do with her, and I certainly wouldn't want her around my children. The woman is toxic.

 

FWIW, your dh might be more than happy to write her off, if he thought you were in favor of it. It's a tough choice to make, but it sounds like he would be better off without her. She sounds cruel and heartless.

 

Is your FIL still alive? Is he a nice man?

 

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If I were in your shoes, I would probably pick up the phone the next time she calls and let her know exactly what I think of her, and how she's a horrible mother and grandmother for treating your family the way she does. I am not at all shy about standing up for my dh or my child, and it sounds like this woman needs to be called out for her horrible behavior.

 

FIL is a very nice man, but he is in a tough position. He adores MIL, so while he'll usually do his best to reign her in, he will sometimes blow up if she's too upset. He is generally very reasonable.

 

MIL is toxic. I totally agree. She isn't toxic all the time though. She is a bull in a china shop type of person. Sometimes she tries really hard and bites her tongue, but when she gets upset it ALL comes pouring out (hence throwing the crap about DS's ADHD stuff in there when the blow-up had nothing to do with that). She does a lot with and for the kids and can be very encouraging. She's unpredictable though. You never know how she's going to react to things. The kids are used to her so they seem completely unfazed by things she'll do or say. If they don't like something she's done, they'll tell me and most of the time I'll tell them they either don't have to do whatever it is or tell them to have her call me if she insists they do whatever it is. If it wasn't for FIL, I would be hesitant to let them go there by themselves because she has poor judgement. She would never do anything to willingly cause them harm, but she's done a lot of stupid things. Like I said, I seriously think she has some sort of personality disorder. I've been reading about them and can't figure out which one, but I think she does have one.

 

I have called her out for her horrible behavior before --towards me, DH, and a few times towards the kids when she's made stupid comments or done stupid things (when she smacked DS and called him stupid when he was a toddler, and when she told my DD that her hip hop dance was horrible when she was 6). We've had major blow-outs when she has purposely defied me when it comes to the kids.

 

I'm standing back and letting DH handle it himself for now because I think he might be getting to that place where he's going to pull back and set some permanent boundaries. In the past he has set them, things have gone well for awhile, and then his mom will start slowly testing the waters. DH doesn't stop her when she does this because things at that point have been "nice" for so long that he doesn't want to get in a fight over some "little" thing. I'm sure you can see where this is going. It's a matter of time before things are right back to where they originally were.

 

I think I might have gotten through to him last night. My dad and I didn't have the greatest relationship. I always wanted him to be a certain way and he was incapable of giving me what I needed (I am convinced he had narcissistic personality disorder based on all the reading I've done about it). When I finally just accepted that he was incapable of being the person I wanted him to be and adjusted my expectations to fit what I reasonably could expect from him, our relationship improved. I protected my heart and tried to focus on the positives my dad was capable of giving me. It sounds simple, but it was really hard and took a lot of time (years) and effort on my part (he had no idea I was going through any of this stuff, of course). If DH can get to that point with his mom, I think it would be healthier for him. He's not the type who can cut her off -- he's very family-oriented and I know it would eat away at him. The only family he has besides us is his mom, dad, and grandmother.

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And seriously, please -- this is a JAWM post. I want hugs. I want chocolate. I want people saying, "I totally get it -- my MIL is like that too." I want to hear, "Good for you DH for losing it on her! I hope he takes the awesome advice you gave him, Julie, because you're totally right!" If you have a great MIL, I'm truly happy for you. I dated guys with great moms before DH and got a taste of what a beautiful MIL/DIL relationship could be like. Sucks for me that I don't have one. If your MIL died and you wish you had her back so you could work out your differences because time is fleeting, and any moment now you're going to fart roses out of your butt and bluebirds are going to sing for you, congratulations for being a better person than me. The fact that she's still living shows that I'm being the best "me I can be" right about now. Also, as much as it would be a relief to cut her out of MY life, it's not my choice because she's not my mom. DH and the kids love her, and my FIL (a sane, rational, trustworthy man) does his best to keep her reigned in most of the time. I've been researching personality disorders. I honestly think she has one.

 

Well I'm certainly not going to fart roses! You have my full support and :grouphug:. There's no reason MIL's should interfere with parenting decisions. Guess I'm glad mine just keeps referring to how fat I am.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

In our case, it's my husband's FIL--otherwise known as *my* dad. I'm a fixer, and I want to make it all better, and I worry about my dad being hurt, despite the fact that he's just told me what a horrible person I am. My husband, like you, gets fed up. My dh hates seeing me hurt. Dad and I had a blow-up 2 weeks ago. We're OK now...after a break. My husband told him that he thought we shouldn't talk for a while.

 

I hope your husband continues to stay strong and not answer the phone. If he's like me, this is hard. It's a lifetime of trying to do the right thing and never getting it right, according to a loved parent.

 

Yep, this - just Insert 'mum' for 'dad' *sigh* We just had our latest big blow up 3 weeks ago, it's been a nice break :D

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Your MIL sounds very similar to my mother. At one point I did cut off contact with her for six months, but finally relented when she called me and asked to see the children. After that she remained on her best behaviour whenever we saw her. She died four years ago, and no, I have no regrets. I did love her, and she had many good qualities, but I still frequently remember things she said and did over the course of my life that make feel angry, and I can't say that I'm at all sad that she's no longer here.

 

:grouphug:

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The phone is ringing as we speak, and he's not answering. He needs time away from them. I'm proud of him!

 

Shut the ringer.

 

Run away!!

 

No need to put up with anyone who is not nice to you.

 

Life is too short to put up with mean people....even those related to you.....especially those related to you.

 

:grouphug:

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Good grief! How much time are you spending with this woman? You may not want to cut off all contact with her, especially since your FIL seems pretty decent, but perhaps you should seriously consider limiting the frequency of your visits. YOU are your son's parent - not her! You need to maintain control. Children can grow up just fine without grandparents interfering. I thank God we raised our kids 1200 miles away from my in-laws! The ironic part is that we ended up caring for my FIL the last 18 months of his life when he was diagnosed with ALS. Even then, he was verbally abusive, and I can say without guilt that we didn't shed a tear when he passed away.

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Good grief! How much time are you spending with this woman? You may not want to cut off all contact with her, especially since your FIL seems pretty decent, but perhaps you should seriously consider limiting the frequency of your visits. YOU are your son's parent - not her! You need to maintain control. Children can grow up just fine without grandparents interfering. I thank God we raised our kids 1200 miles away from my in-laws! The ironic part is that we ended up caring for my FIL the last 18 months of his life when he was diagnosed with ALS. Even then, he was verbally abusive, and I can say without guilt that we didn't shed a tear when he passed away.

 

They live 40 minutes away. We usually see them every 1-2 weeks. They often take the kids on outtings. Those I don't mind so much. She seems to do well when she has a planned event to bring them to, and the kids like those visits and have fun with her and FIL. The ILs took the kids to the Cape for over a week this summer. I was very uncomfortable about it, but nothing too unusual happened. She's wanted to take them there for years -- since DS was two -- but I held off until the kids were old enough to consistently exercise good judgement. The visits where we're all together are hit or miss. Sometimes she'll be great, other times she'll be combative. She was fine Saturday until DH lost his temper with DS. I hate being around the woman. It's like standing on fault lines -- totally unstable. You never know if you're going to sink or walk away. It's unnerving to be around someone who is so unpredictable.

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