Once Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I am needing some advice from parents that have BTDT. Our 13 1/2 yo daughter was set up on a webpage about a topic that interested her that had a forum attached. For a few months she has ben searching around on the webpage for various resources (she needed an account to do that).....she was told she should not post on the forum when it was set up. My husband and I checked in with her often each night....she had access to a computer in her room but she always said she was listening to an online audio book (which we could hear was true). She came to us tonight, tearful, and told us that she had started a group on the forum and we found out that she has been posting short meaages on the forums. She said that is knows she broke our trust and that she would like her account deleted. For those who have had young teens, what kind of consequence would be appropriate in this situtation? So far, we have thanked her for coming to talk with us and told her that we are disappointed. We have explained that there are dangers in online forums because some people look to take advantage of children and that even if you do not tell people you are a child sometimes things you say or do reveals it. Also, we explained that our rules are there for her protection not as a way to control her because she isn't experience enough to have total freedom online. Her account password has been changed.....husband thinks a week of no computer and then supervised time only for a set amount of time. The moderators for the forum (not this one)have been contacted to request the group be deleted as well. When do people usually allow their teens to get active on forums? How do you ever get comfortable with it? It makes me nervous to be honest. I need some advice and maybe reassurance that this isn't the beginning of finding out many more "little lies". Please help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I think that the punishment you have described is appropriate. Perhaps move her computer to a common area. You don't want to be too punitive or she won't feel she can come to you in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Take this with a grain of salt because I won't have a teen for a few more years yet, but... I think that while she has let you down by participating on the forum against your wishes, it's wonderful that she came and told you about it. Since she already understands what she did wrong and is determined to follow your guidelines in the future, I'd be careful not to overreact in terms of imposing consequences. I would say that supervision while online for a certain period sounds reasonable, because that is a consequence that puts her safety first. But I wouldn't impose any additional punishment, for fear of discouraging her from coming to you if she has a problem in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 Is this enough? I am worried now that she knows how to pull the wool over our eyes and that she will do it again. I think the computer in her room is done for now.....but when do you let them take over that responsibility. How do you judge when to let go? She has been saving for an ipad and is half way there. Online access will only increase as she gets older!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 :iagree: with Hotdrink about supervising but not adding more punitive measures. We try to punish less severely when the child comes to us with their own wrongdoing. I also agree with Amy in NH regarding considering moving the computer to a common, less private area. This is something that works in our family. Our oldest, at 20, has her own laptop without usage restrictions. Our other two teens, however, use the family computer in a common area of our home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Take this with a grain of salt because I won't have a teen for a few more years yet, but... I think that while she has let you down by participating on the forum against your wishes, it's wonderful that she came and told you about it. Since she already understands what she did wrong and is determined to follow your guidelines in the future, I'd be careful not to overreact in terms of imposing consequences. I would say that supervision while online for a certain period sounds reasonable, because that is a consequence that puts her safety first. But I wouldn't impose any additional punishment, for fear of discouraging her from coming to you if she has a problem in the future. Yes, the girl has a functioning conscience! I'd simply do what she suggests...delete the account. You want to encourage this behavior, trust me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 My dd is 12, and like you I worry about online stuff. Otis great that we have girls who get eaten up by guilt and confess, but I know as they get older that will diminish. I honestly do not know the answer, soi will keep watch on this thread. As for the iPad, you can turn off the Internet on it, and you can set it up with a password that will not allow her to download apps (other Internet browsers included) without your knowledge. My dd has an iPod touch, and have those things set up on it. You can even set a code that you have to put in before it can be used, so you know when she is on it. I have that set up for my boys to keep them from playing before bed or during school time, but dd can self regulate that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Is this enough? I am worried now that she knows how to pull the wool over our eyes and that she will do it again. I think the computer in her room is done for now.....but when do you let them take over that responsibility. How do you judge when to let go? She has been saving for an ipad and is half way there. Online access will only increase as she gets older!! Sure, it's possible she'll do it again. She's young. :D She did come to you though, and that's a good sign. I think limits are lessened as maturity increases, and that will be apparent through daily actions. Only you and your husband can decide what limits are appropriate in your home with your child, but I think you're doing just fine! Not that my opinion matters. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Yes, the girl has a functioning conscience! I'd simply do what she suggests...delete the account. You want to encourage this behavior, trust me. :iagree: She rectified her own behavior; isn't that what you want her to do? :) I would delete the account, find another resource for her to do research and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MollyAnn Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 When my kids come to me and tell me about something they did that was against the rules, I talk with them about but I do not give any punishment. I want my kids to be able to come to me with problems and when they might not have made the best choice. They aren't going to do that if they fear getting punished. Now if it ever became a situation of "Oh, I'll just tell them and I won't get in trouble" then I would change that policy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Take this with a grain of salt because I won't have a teen for a few more years yet, but... I think that while she has let you down by participating on the forum against your wishes, it's wonderful that she came and told you about it. Since she already understands what she did wrong and is determined to follow your guidelines in the future, I'd be careful not to overreact in terms of imposing consequences. I would say that supervision while online for a certain period sounds reasonable, because that is a consequence that puts her safety first. But I wouldn't impose any additional punishment, for fear of discouraging her from coming to you if she has a problem in the future. :iagree: You can also put parental controls on her computer. This one is free, and I used it for years: http://www1.k9webprotection.com/ . The great thing is you can set it up to bark whenever the child attempts to do something you have forbidden. My kids hated that. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Mmmm, this is hard. It's challenging to negotiate what our children are ready for as they grow, especially in this stage. Personally I would read what she posted and go from there. My dd has a laptop and is restricted by her age from certain aspects of the Internet. You daughter is older, so she can in theory do things like Facebook and boards. With my dd I review all her online activity, even though she doesn't know it. She hasn't gone to sites that I disapprove of. If I were in your shoes I'd start letting her try out forums to a certain degree. I'd review her interactions online - read email, check websites, read posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 When ds was a teen, forums were not an issue but "My Space" had just started and FB did not even exist yet. We had the computer in a very public place. We carefully explained why certain rules existed - as you have done. I think what your dh suggested is very good. One week off to take a breather and remember that she disobeyed. She has been very mature about coming to you - and honest. I would not punish her beyond the week. Have a talk with her if she found it interesting, helpful, etc to participate on this forum. If the computer was in a public place would you be okay with her participating in discussions? You set the password and username so you can check all posts and replies. Since I don't know what kind of forum this is, I am not sure if this seems feasible to you or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 We have just started letting my 16 yo, at the same time as we have started letting her have freedom in traveling without us to school and activities. I see little difference. We don't allow computers in bedrooms at all. There are just too many possible (life altering or threatening) problems against no real reason for it. I wouldn't punish her, but I would take the computer access from her room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I agree with what you have done. I think it's enough. As a friend often says, when they are little, we parent by control. When they are teens, we parent by relationship. You have obviously built a strong relationship with her--she has a conscience, she came to you and confessed, and she wants to do better. That's the goal, isn't it, for them to be uncomfortable when they deliberately do something to hurt the relationship. Good job! Keep building that relationship with her, thru time spent together, listening to her, taking an interest in what she finds valuable, finding the good in what she does and confirming that you are proud of who she IS. You want to make lots of deposits in the Relationship Bank! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Online forums are just plain addictive. How many of us would spend the whole day at the Hive if we could? It's almost cruel to allow a teen to read but not post. If you restrict her too much, she could be tempted beyond her control. I would allow her to post, with the provision that you pre-read everything she writes. It shouldn't take but a moment for you to do that, and it will give her some accountability. When my daughter set up a Facebook account last year, that was our agreement -- I would pre-read her posts and ask her to edit or delete inappropriate ones. I'm extremely glad I made that rule, because her judgement was poor. I had to say no to many comments that would have embarrassed her later. Nine months later, she is an experienced Facebook user who has seen other people make fools of themselves and who is very glad I stopped her from doing the same (though she wasn't very happy about it at the time). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Take this with a grain of salt because I won't have a teen for a few more years yet, but... I think that while she has let you down by participating on the forum against your wishes, it's wonderful that she came and told you about it. Since she already understands what she did wrong and is determined to follow your guidelines in the future, I'd be careful not to overreact in terms of imposing consequences. I would say that supervision while online for a certain period sounds reasonable, because that is a consequence that puts her safety first. But I wouldn't impose any additional punishment, for fear of discouraging her from coming to you if she has a problem in the future. :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Sounds like you have a GREAT kid! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) Sounds like you have a GREAT kid! We really do. She is so responsible and helpful in so many ways. I guess we let it take our guard down around computer priveledges. I lost a lot of sleep last night just worrying about her and trying to pray she will be safe. It is painful learning about parenting through the teen years with all the dangers and pitfalls. Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I think we will stay with access only while an adult is present in the room and one week no computer. If she repeats the mistake then go further. I hate to think that it might happen that way so I will pray it doesn't. Thank you! Online forums are addictive but I am glad they are a posibility! I found this last night while thinking it all over. Maybe someone else will find it helpful as a guideline. http://www.safekids.com/kids-rules-for-online-safety/ I think I will have her agree to it after her week is over. Edited September 9, 2012 by Once Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 :iagree: You can also put parental controls on her computer. This one is free, and I used it for years: http://www1.k9webprotection.com/ . The great thing is you can set it up to bark whenever the child attempts to do something you have forbidden. My kids hated that. :D What a great idea. Is it hard to set up? She loves dogs so it would be loved by her just for that reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I think that while she has let you down by participating on the forum against your wishes, it's wonderful that she came and told you about it. Since she already understands what she did wrong and is determined to follow your guidelines in the future, I'd be careful not to overreact in terms of imposing consequences. I would say that supervision while online for a certain period sounds reasonable, because that is a consequence that puts her safety first. But I wouldn't impose any additional punishment, for fear of discouraging her from coming to you if she has a problem in the future. :iagree:And I have raised two children through the teen years. The first rule in our house is NO computers in your bedroom. Ever. We have one PC and it sits in our family room with the screen facing the couches. Everyone in the room can see what site you're on and what you're doing. My children were not allowed to have laptops until they left for college. Now, at 19 and 22, they do their homework, screen time, etc. in the privacy of their rooms (when they're home), as they're adults. But my 11 year old can only use the PC or my Ipad where I can see him. And that will be the rule until he's 18. As for forums, my kids were never interested in those, but I wouldn't have allowed participation until they were much older than 13, if they were. You can spot a young teen on a forum a mile away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) What a great idea. Is it hard to set up? She loves dogs so it would be loved by her just for that reason. No, it is very user-friendly. I don't use this program any more because my kids are older teens. My router has limited parental controls on it, and I use it to set time limits so my DD doesn't stay up too late to be able to function well at school. The boys are 18, so I don't control their internet access time unless they ask me to (and one has!). Edited September 9, 2012 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I'll play devil's advocate a bit, as far as access to forums go: While I think your your dd does need a consequence, because she broke the rules that are in place, I also think that 13 is old enough to participate in certain online forums, especially those that are moderated or that cater to specific interests. The internet is a great way for people to connect with others who share their interests. From the way you presented it, it sounds like this forum is about a specific topic that your dd is interested in (in on other words, not just a teen chat site). If so, and the site looks fairly secure and reasonable, I would let my dd participate - naturally, with plenty of safety training, and the caveat that computer histories CAN be checked as needed. I think it's wonderful that kids with an interest in falconry or song writing or Stratego can connect to like-minded souls! I look at it from a risk/reward viewpoint. In our case, my dds aren't at high risk for dangerous behaviors, and they get a lot of reward from interacting with others who share an interest that friends irl do not: in addition to having fun, they gain knowledge, skills, and a sense of community. The dangers are present but manageable: we teach them interent safety and remind them of it frequently, we randomly check for danger signs, and so on. Yes, I do realize that something could happen, but no part of life is completely without risk, especially as teens move more and more into navigating the world on their own. Internet forums are still relatively new, and thus viewed as far more dangerous than they actually are, imo. Low-risk kids are not suddenly going to change every aspect of their behavior simply because they are on the internet. Every kid does stupid things occassionally, of course, but it's actually safer to do so on the internet than irl. Usually, putting yourself in danger on the internet requires a whole series of stupid decisions. If you decide that your dd would benefit from forums, you can actually use that as part of her punishment, "Well, we were going to let you start participating this fall, but now we feel like you should wait till spring," :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbara H Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 As a friend often says, when they are little, we parent by control. When they are teens, we parent by relationship. You have obviously built a strong relationship with her--she has a conscience, she came to you and confessed, and she wants to do better. That's the goal, isn't it, for them to be uncomfortable when they deliberately do something to hurt the relationship. Good job! ! Very well put and I agree. Mistakes are a part of life and it is good when kids recognize they messed up and ask for help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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