sad my son doesnt have friends

[faiths13]

the one thing i was worried about when we started hs 2 years ago was 'socializing'. it has been a huge struggle for us. we have tried most of the local hs groups and have just meet alot of crazy or mean ppl. (seriously). we have been going to the park and my 5 yr old always makes a friend when we go, but now all the kids are back in ps. my two oldest have friends that live in the neighborhood that go to ps, so they at least have that. it has taken a long time for them to even get 1 or 2 friend though. my 5 year old would love to make some friends though, and there really isnt anyone his age where we live.

so what do you think about the friend issue? with alot of sibs do you think it doesnt matter? (my 5 and almost 3 year old play together alot).

ETA: this is not a question of if my kids should go to PS or not - just a question of how important are friends really?

Edited September 7, 2012 by faiths13

[Jean in Newcastle]

Story time at the library is good for younger kids. My older kids do some of their socializing online.

[faiths13]

we have been going to story time at the library, but all those kids his age are going to school too.

[Mom2Es]

:bigear:

 

I know a lot of home school apologists downplay the importance of peer groups and act like siblings and adult modeling is all you need, but I disagree. I went to PS, but for various reasons I grew up somewhat isolated and the kids at school acted like I was invisible and I wasn't outgoing enough to attempt getting around that. I never learned how to have natural-feeling interactions with peers, and it's followed me into adulthood. So it bothers me more than most when I see that my children don't have a circle of "everyday friends."

 

I've had the same experience with co-ops and homeschool groups; I haven't found any that are a good fit for us yet. If we are out somewhere and I see my kids pair off with another child, I have started making it a point to meet the other child's parent and exchange numbers. We also have playmates from church, but most of those kids are a bit of a drive for us to meet up with. I'd love to move closer to my kids' cousins, but that's not a realistic option for us for at least a couple of years. So I'm interested in hearing suggestions others have.

[Debbi in Texas]

We have been right where you are. I agree with story time. Also try cub scouts.

 

One thing that was a help to us was driving some distance away for a homeschool group. We drove 45 miles one way for probably two years.

 

At times, there was maybe only one person that he even remotely connected with. I would invite child and mother to our home for some one on one and visit with mom while the kids played.

 

It is hard.

[Cassy]

I think a lot depends on the child. Three of my four boys are perfectly content just being with their family. Although they do go out to lots of activities there is just no desire whatsoever for close friendships outside the family. My oldest, however, is intensely social. He has never been homeschooled and I know that if for any reason he had to be he would be very unhappy and frustrated. That's not to say he has lots of 'friends'. He has encountered an awful lot of rejection and bullying at school and at times he has been very miserable.

[Mandy in TN]

:bigear:

 

I know a lot of home school apologists downplay the importance of peer groups and act like siblings and adult modeling is all you need, but I disagree. I went to PS, but for various reasons I grew up somewhat isolated and the kids at school acted like I was invisible and I wasn't outgoing enough to attempt getting around that. I never learned how to have natural-feeling interactions with peers, and it's followed me into adulthood. So it bothers me more than most when I see that my children don't have a circle of "everyday friends."

 

I've had the same experience with co-ops and homeschool groups; I haven't found any that are a good fit for us yet. If we are out somewhere and I see my kids pair off with another child, I have started making it a point to meet the other child's parent and exchange numbers. We also have playmates from church, but most of those kids are a bit of a drive for us to meet up with. I'd love to move closer to my kids' cousins, but that's not a realistic option for us for at least a couple of years. So I'm interested in hearing suggestions others have.

 

As you have pointed out, you can go to a traditional classroom school and still not have much in the way of social interaction with peers. :grouphug:

 

Mandy

[eternalknot]

As usual, I agree with Cassy. It is so largely personality-driven, regardless of where one is schooling.

 

My kids are very social. They get it from me, which has helped me in knowing how to balance social needs within our lifestyle (which includes homeschooling). We do have a large family, which helps. I also make a point to find - and fund - activities. Interestingly enough, my nephews who are the same age as my kids and who attend our local schools are closest friends with ... not kids from school so much as kids from the neighborhood and kids from their respective activities (sports, scouts, storytime, etc.)

 

It's easy to quickly foster a friendship in a school setting, I think. Making friends through activities takes more time and more work initially (sometimes on the parents' end), but can go just as deep - if not deeper - as school-based friendships.

 

I think it's normal, too, for kids to want that BFF experience - especially if that's what they perceive their other-schooled friends to have (in reality, not all school-based friendships are as close or deep as outsiders perceive them to be). Same could be said for parent friendships formed on the same basis.

 

Is there a way to regularly schedule some extracurriculars, and knowing you'll need to do some of the legwork in establishing the kind of friendship your 5 year old is needing/wanting? It's like screening dates LOL. I've done it with mine, and it gets easier with practice.

[Mandy in TN]

We are a family of loners, so I don't have a good response. We don't go to church or anywhere else that a large group would hang out. We don't have people over. I don't know my neighbors' names and have never had them in my home. Both my dh and I went to traditional B&M schools.

 

Ds starts junior orchestra next week and I think that he will like the structured companionship, but I don't expect anything more. I mean if he develops a friendship that extends outside of practice that's great, but I just don't expect him to do that.

 

He went to an art and drama tutorial for two years and, other than the kids he already knew, he never made a single friend that he wanted to talk to outside of class. He has been in Kumon for 5 years and there is a boy who is a couple of years older that he likes to talk to there, but they have never exchanged numbers or anything. He really likes talking to the teenagers who work at Kumon, but obviously he doesn't talk to them away from the center.

 

We have been going to a Fri. group for several weeks, but last week he spent way more time talking to the teenage boys who were working at the bouncy, blow-up place where we met than talking to the kids.

 

He is out and about around other kids several times each week and he just doesn't make the hang out kind of friendships that some kids make. I have no reason to suspect that things would be any different if he attended a B&M institution. He may just be like dh and I. Some people are just designed that way.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[faiths13]

i just want to clear up that i am not saying anything about my kids going to PS. Im saying there friends go to PS, or there arent kids out at the park in the day anymore. Im not saying I am trying to decide to send them back to PS to make friends, Im asking how important you think it is for your kids to have friends. thanks

[Joshin]

Honestly, at five with siblings around, not as important to have friends. Both my boys are social, but DS12 has always needed a large group of friends. He collected his friends from a brief period in PS when he was young, scouts and the neighborhood. The only work I put into it was allowing him to invite friends over and helping him track down phone numbers when needed.

 

DS7 loves going to the park or to a club meeting and making friends for the day, but he has yet to form any deep friendships with age peers. There are adult members of his astronomy club that he views as intellectual peers and vice versa. Of course, these aren't play mates but instead someone to excitedly talk with about science stuff that is way over my head!

 

DS7 is just now starting to forge friendships with kids his age. Nothing deep yet but enough to put together a small birthday party! He doesn't seem to be suffering from the lack of age peer friends. As long as he can socialize with people of all ages and backgrounds, can play when appropriate, and isn't lonely, I don't worry. I learned with my oldest that I hate having to be friends with the mom just because my son is friends with the kid. Sometimes the kids click and the moms don't. So I no longer force friendships and only make arrangements with other kids if my child specifically requests it.

[Samiam]

It's one of the reasons we sent our oldest DS14 to PS. Sad, but true.

 

He's always been reserved. And that is fine, to an extent. He's had lots and lots of opportunities to interact with other children. Sport teams, co-ops, HS classes, park days, field trips, you name it, we did it. Over the years, I can think of a 2-3 boys that were really friends, and two of those it was because the mom of that boy and I hit it off, so we made sure to do things together, and the boys eventually were friends to. We've moved a few times, and some neighborhoods had children his age, so he would play with them.

 

But as he got older and "park days' became boring, and field trips became a younger and younger crowd, he started to refuse to go to them. He doesn't want to go along on some of our little family adventures (which is normal for a teenager, I think). Frankly, he's hard to GET out of the house.

 

Sports teams never equaled real friends beyond the team practice/game time. We've moved to a neighbhorhood (new town, new state)with no children his age around us (or at least any that come out).

 

So the problem becomes he is reserved, so he doesn't put himself out there to make friends. Unless another child constantly comes up to him, repeatedly, (which a few have done), he doesn't warm up.....some children will come only make an effort so many times before they move on. Repeated exposure to the same people, and he tends to warm up and open up a bit.

 

So here we where, at age 14, and the boy literally had no friends. None. Although I do think it is FINE to be shy, and FINE to be reserved, and FINE to not need to be around people all the time, he did need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE once in a while. I do think that most teenagers have a underlying need to be around others their age, to be around others that have common interests, common thoughts, etc. He never said that to us, but having been a teenager once, I think I know enough to know that doesn't everyone want a friend?

 

So while there were other reasons to head off to PS, that social factor was near the top.

 

I don't think that every homeschooled child will have this issue, I don't see it being an issue for my DS9, who is very social, will talk to everyone and makes friends wherever he goes. Different personality.

 

But for my DS14, homeschooling was a factor in lack of socialization, and that is a missing component in the life education that we strive for.

[zenjenn]

I was going to suggest cub scouts too. Girl scouting has served as the foundation for the core group of most of my daughters' friends. Those are the girls that are local and it's easy to meet for sleepovers and play dates. My hope is if they are still homeschooling as teens, that once they are exchanging numbers and texting and arranging their own social lives, the friendly acquaintances they have through activities will suffice.

 

We try to stay as involved as possible. Orchestra, scouting, synagogue, ballet, etc.

 

5 is a tough age but he's on the cusp of getting old enough to start getting involved in more and more activities that will serve the primary function for social connections. Even though we homeschool, both of my kids attended preschool and that served as a place for social connection in those bridge years (age 3-5) between mommy groups and activities.

Edited September 7, 2012 by zenjenn

[momto10blessings]

I don't have any friends with older kids (all my high school friends started having kids 10 yrs after me!) So my boys have met all of their friends through church, scouts, sports, and a few from our homeschool co-op. Most of my girls friends are their older brothers little sisters. They also have a lot of cousins!

 

I think it is important for them to have friends other than siblings. BUT we dont really start having friends over until they are 10 or so. Before that they just hanf out at the park, activities or events.

[lea_lpz]

My dd is 5 and ds is 3, and dd is social and went to preschool so does comment about missing her friends from preschool. We've only been homeschooling 6 months :), but I've set up a couple play dates for her and she plays with a group of neighborhood children most evenings. They range in age from 6-8 but they are very well behaved and nice to her despite being a little younger. We also do a lot of activities. In fact, we pretty much have something going on every day for an hour or longer where she interacts with other kids.

Mon. Music Together Class

Tues. Dance/ Gymnastic Class

Wed. KinderClass

Thur. Awana (sparks)

Fri. Sports Class (rotate different sports)

Sat. Story time at the library

Sun. Sunday school

 

I think at this age it would be normal for kids to have more acquaintances than friends. She interacts well with kids in her activities, but doesn't do much out of class with them except for a handful of kids but mainly because I hit it off with their moms.

 

Seems normal.

 

And of course she has her brothers to play with. I have an 8 year old stepson we have joint custody of. When the 3 are together they have a blast and are a gang of friends on there own.

[Mommy22alyns]

As you have pointed out, you can go to a traditional classroom school and still not have much in the way of social interaction with peers. :grouphug:

 

Mandy

 

Extremely true.

 

Right now, both of my girls seem content with each other and their friends at activities. We don't really have time to get together with anyone for playdates.

[Elizabeth in MN]

I'm in the same lonely boat with you and your kids. We've lived here eight years and tried everything. Nothing has stuck, everyone in this town in very cliquish.

 

:grouphug:

[jackson'smama]

my oldest are boys, ages 7 and 5. honestly, i feel like as an only child one of my major "goals" has been to have children who'd be lifelong friends...best friends to be more exact (and i know i can't control that :)). i feel that i always had a circle of friends but that i lacked the bonds of a sibling. for me, i feel that is just as, if not more important, than "outside" friends. my boys seem very content to be mostly home. they have playdates and oldest has scouts and there is definitely talk about other certain boys that they find fun to be around or hilarious, but there doesn't seem to be any longing for being with friends.

so i guess that i'd follow where your child is leading. if he seems to be outwardly seeking/asking for a friend then i'd try my best to at least get into some situations that could make it more possible.

[Mandy in TN]

i just want to clear up that i am not saying anything about my kids going to PS. Im saying there friends go to PS, or there arent kids out at the park in the day anymore. Im not saying I am trying to decide to send them back to PS to make friends, Im asking how important you think it is for your kids to have friends. thanks

 

The importance of friends outside of family members depends on the definition of friend, the number of children in the family, and the personality of the child.

 

What is a friend? Are you referring to another child of similar age (within a year or two) known by name to your child with whom your child interacts in social situations outside of academic tutorials at least once a month? If this constitutes a friend, then my little man has quite a few.

 

If you are talking about sleep-overs, phone calls, and texting with a buddy who knows the names of all your child's family members, his date of birth, and his favorite foods and activities, then my little man has one or maybe none.

 

As the little guy is now an only at home, I am glad he has other children that he can talk to at park day. I am not concerned that he isn't intimately connected to other children. If he had siblings close to his age, I don't know that I would even be overly concerned about park day unless he had the type of personality that demanded more social or more connected social interaction with other children outside our family.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[LisaBoo]

I think it is important for them to have friends as well but I have realized they don't need a whole classroom of them just a few consistent ones - that is the real challenge. We happen to live in a neighborhood where most of the kids go to different schools but gather together each afternoon/evening and play outside for hours and have since an early age.

 

I also use to drive long distances to hangout with other homeschoolers and realized my kids would never really be able to make long term friends if we didn't find groups closer to home. I recently joined our counties home education program and have found some local families that they can grow close to over the years. It's hard but don't stop looking for that right group, they are out there somewhere.

[WIS0320]

My oldest is 7... so take this for what it is worth.

 

My 7 year old is an extreme extrovert. She can make friends at a Chick Fil' A play land. My 4 year old son is an introvert and is happy playing with a few select playmates. If I didn't organize the play dates I don't think he'd really care.

 

Does your child WANT a busier social life? Throwing certain types of children into heavily populated groups does not necessarily mean that they will become "socialized" per the current definition - which is to make friends and be... social. They are happier being loners and are particular about who and when they want social interaction.

 

If your child doesn't seem upset then I wouldn't worry so much. If they seem to worry that no one likes them and they have no friends, then I'd try awfully hard to get them into more group activities. JMO.

[brownie]

I think social skills are a critical factor in life success. On the other hand this does not mean friends are required to develop social skills. For some it comes much more naturally than others. For some people, they could probably live in a closet and come out knowing how to connect with others :) Others could spend their whole life around other kids all day and never develop the skills.

 

My oldest struggles so it really worries me too. I also worry more as a result about the younger 2 as well bc I spend a lot of time worrying about social skills in general. I do my best to provide opportunities but also to teach them how to behave while they are at home. You can do alot within the context of the family...after all we often treat our families worse than our friends. If you can learn proper social skills with your siblings you are probably good to go :)

 

Brownie

[KRG]

What are his interests? My oldest is an introvert like his parents ;) Friends have come and gone since we started homeschooling. I thought at one point that he didn't really have friends and I was worried about him. He named a quite a few people that he said were his friends(and they were) and he said the once a week 4H and once a month homeschool teen group were enough for him. He is the kiddo (at 9) that quietly pulled me aside at one of his b-day parties and asked when his friends would be going home because he needed some downtime. Like I said, he is like us and can take people in small doses ;)

[Celia]

I think it's quite important that kids have friends, and I agree that it's one of the bigger struggles in homeschooling for some of our kids. They can really learn a lot from playing with kids outside their families. They learn different ways to play, have to navigate around different personalities, and learning how to be a friend to keep a friend is important. It's entirely different than just being around your siblings, who you know have to stick with you for better or for worse!

 

Beyond the social learning, there's also a lot of practical learning that goes on. My dd's art skill flourished when she made a friend who was particularly artsy. Her enthusiasm rubbed off, and my dd learned some drawing skills from her. My son has been pushed by his friends to do things more independantly - stuff that he normally would come to me for help for his friends will say "hey, I can do that on my own... here's how". It's harder for him, as he has some delays (Aspergers), but that extra push from a peer can be a good thing for him!

 

Both of my kids have been exposed to many new things that I wouldn't have thought to expose them to by their friends. I kind of wish they'd never been shown how to start fires with a magnifying glass.... so some of those things are always good! But I can't fathom ever just thinking that friendships don't matter and siblings are enough. That's too narrow of an existance, IMHO.

[rosetyler]

Yes friends are important. At 5 years old though I think they have playmates rather then friends. Our family has not really "clicked" with many other homeschool families so the bulk of my kid's friends come from outside the homeschool world. When my oldest was preschool age we joined a playgroup that was at our community center. We also had neighborhood kids. As he got older and our family grew the kids have all been involved in various extra curriculars that suit their interests and have made friends there. We have found we prefer to invite families over rather then play "dates." Since husband and I like to socialize we make a point to "feed" those friendships that also benefit the children, by seeking out other families with kids. Whenever we plan an outing we will invite one or two families to join. Bowling, pool etc nothing fancy. We also have get togethers at our home frequently. Again, nothing elaborate, just coffee and cake with a DVD or roasting marshmallows with the kids playing in the yard. We have made many sweet memories over the years for us and the children this way.

[raceNzanesmom]

My ds's neighborhood friends are at school during the day too. I try hard to schedule a bit of time after school for them to get together for playtime, even if it's just 30 minutes before a lesson or for dinner. Most of his friends are church friends, so we try to plan something a couple Sunday afternoons a month with one of them. That seems to work best since they can come home with us after chuch, then we take them back for the evening service.

 

I've also found we can stop at McDonalds' Play Place mid-morning and find younger kids to play with. My ds is 8, but he loves to play with the little ones.