Jump to content

Menu

How do I help this child? Prayers desperately needed!


Twinmom
 Share

Recommended Posts

My DD13 has a mild anoxic brain injury which has resulted in a severe panic disorder with a working memory deficit that has caused her serious academic problems. She also is blessed with one of the most stubborn personaiities known to man, in part as a defense mechanism towards the pain she feels everyday, and in part because she is just that way. "Underneath" all this, I see a hurting, sensitive child who cares so desperately about doing well that she can barely manage to hold it together. Others see that as well. There is, however, another side of her personality that is not pretty. She is willing to be very aggressive and bullying with me and others in order to control her environment. It isn't pretty and has anti-social undertones. Kind of Jekyll and Hyde without the bipolar, if you know what I mean. She will fight against discipline as if it is a threat to her very life. I wonder sometimes if she really thinks that it is a threat. It is impossible to parent her in the traditional way...it requires a great deal of creativity.

 

We have been through every available treatment (and believe me, I know how to find them! :p) and have done truly everything we know how to do to help this child. I could list it all, but treatment seeking is actually not the point of my post. My concern is this: how to I reach her as a person? How do I help her see that her unwillingness to humble herself is affecting her in painful, potentially dangerous ways? How do I help her to learn that it is okay to say, "hey, I screwed up...I'm sorry" without guile or self flagellation? How do I get her to accept consequences without a panic attack or a manipulative attempt to force me to stop the follow through? How can I get her to realize that her own efforts at self-protection can and do sometimes really hurt others?

 

She was suspended from school this week. It was literally the first time she has ever had a discipline issue there in two years...and I do mean that sincerely. She has never had so much as a warning slip sent home. However, she was on the receiving end of some minor bullying (to her, it was pretty major) and got caught in a defensive lie. Yes, she is responsible for the lie...it is not the bully's fault. When confronted, she had a HUGE panic attack and ended up cursing out teachers, refusing to leave a classroom and causing classes to be rerouted and delayed. The school is familiar with special needs kids and handled it with a lot of grace...however, it was so extreme that they may not allow her to return. This is not the first time she has gone from "zero to sixty" like that, with major social consequences. I worry that she is going to end up in prison someday, honestly.

 

We are Christians and consider fostering moral and spiritual development to be one of our most important jobs as parents. However, sometimes I really feel that I cannot reach this child and it breaks my heart. What can I do as a parent to reach her heart and help her realize the danger she poses to herself and others? Honestly, my DH and I are at the point of almost total despair. Without the hope we have in Christ, I'm not sure we'd be making it at this point.

 

Please pray for us, if you are the praying kind. Knowing that others are praying when I am so desperate gives me a measure of strength. I would also love any advice you have on reaching the heart of a child who is so damaged. I fear for her...I really do. My Momma's heart feels like it has had all it can bear.

 

TIA

Edited by Twinmom
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, I wish I had the answer for you. What a difficult reality to deal with.

 

I will be praying for all of you.:grouphug:

 

The answer may well be that only God can change her heart...that and a good dose of reality and the maturity that only time can bring. I guess that is what I need to pray for. I keep looking for the magic way to teach her these social skills but the reality is I may not be able to do so. Makes me sad, especially at 4:30 in the morning!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The answer may well be that only God can change her heart...that and a good dose of reality and the maturity that only time can bring. I guess that is what I need to pray for. I keep looking for the magic way to teach her these social skills but the reality is I may not be able to do so. Makes me sad, especially at 4:30 in the morning!

 

Oh, 4:30. You poor thing. You are doing your best, I know, and all we can really do is pray, cooperate with God's grace, and take one day at a time. I hope that find some relief and yo wait for the breakthrough with your dd. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The answer may well be that only God can change her heart...that and a good dose of reality and the maturity that only time can bring. I guess that is what I need to pray for. I keep looking for the magic way to teach her these social skills but the reality is I may not be able to do so. Makes me sad, especially at 4:30 in the morning!

 

Praying for you :grouphug: and I firmly believe you're doing your best and it will have to be God that changes her heart. It seems in difficult times God is also making it more about the changes He wants made in you, and not just the other person. He has you right where He wants you-completely dependent on Him, and He promises to not forsake you and give you more then you can handle-although sometimes I wish He didn't think I could handle so much! Hang in here, and I know I'll be praying for His grace and mercy to surround you during this difficult time, and that He would provide you with the wisdom you need to know to parent this dd.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much ladies. You all have definitely made me feel better! So has her psychiatrist, who contacted me today and said that she needed more medication support rather than a kick in the ###. He feels that this is really a result of her anxiety vs. a genuinely difficult personality issue. So, between your encouragement, prayers and talking with him, I do feel better this afternoon!

 

It really is heartbreaking how much her anxiety cripples her. After a dose of the new meds, she started talking and it was scary just how frightened she is of so many aspects of the seventh grade experience. Yet, she really does want to be there. We have some ideas for the school to help her maintain herself there, but we will, of course, keep homeschool open as a possibility. This kid is so difficult with me, though, that it will have to be a last resort or I may end up in emotional trouble myself. BTDT, did NOT enjoy it. Yet, I will still give it a try if God makes it clear that is what I need to do.

 

Thanks and please keep praying!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He has you right where He wants you-completely dependent on Him, and He promises to not forsake you and give you more then you can handle-although sometimes I wish He didn't think I could handle so much!.

 

Amen to that! :D. I've often wished God thought I could only handle a few minor things here and there instead of WWIII!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tia,

 

:grouphug: We will definitely pray for you and your daughter.

 

**I also have a few thoughts (and questions) on what you've written. If you really are just looking for prayers then just ignore the remainder of my post.**

 

My DD13 has a mild anoxic brain injury which has resulted in a severe panic disorder with a working memory deficit that has caused her serious academic problems. She also is blessed with one of the most stubborn personaiities known to man, in part as a defense mechanism towards the pain she feels everyday, and in part because she is just that way. "Underneath" all this, I see a hurting, sensitive child who cares so desperately about doing well that she can barely manage to hold it together. Others see that as well. There is, however, another side of her personality that is not pretty. She is willing to be very aggressive and bullying with me and others in order to control her environment. It isn't pretty and has anti-social undertones. Kind of Jekyll and Hyde without the bipolar, if you know what I mean. She will fight against discipline as if it is a threat to her very life. I wonder sometimes if she really thinks that it is a threat. It is impossible to parent her in the traditional way...it requires a great deal of creativity.

 

I think I really do understand where you are coming from. Our foster daughter is a little younger and doesn't have anoxic brain injury as far as we know (although perhaps we should presume she does given some of the abuse she went through before coming to us). However, she did have horrible PTSD with some superimposed panic attacks. In the moment of those attacks it was very hard for her to ground herself. Over time we did manage to figure (with some help from a few great therapists) how to help her with these and ultimately how to teach her to work through this with declining support from us. In one sense I suppose we were fortunate that her reactions in these moments were not aggressive or violent. Of course the silent tears and terror stricken crumbling moments were pretty heartbreaking to see.

 

Just so I don't presume, does your daughter have a history of trauma prior to coming to live with your family?

 

have been through every available treatment (and believe me, I know how to find them! :p) and have done truly everything we know how to do to help this child. I could list it all, but treatment seeking is actually not the point of my post.

 

I hesitate to ask this, but, have you done much with CBT? Perhaps her functional cognitive level would make this difficult but a lot of therapists are adapting CBT for use with younger children. Manualized TF-CBT has been adapted down to age 3 with good results so even if she doesn't have a specific trauma background per se you might have good results with a therapist who has been trained in TF-CBT and is used to working collaboratively with parents. TF-CBT itself may also be a good option depending on her history. This was the mainstay of therapy we used with our foster daughter and she has really benefited. It wasn't a quick process. We definitely far exceeded the manualized treatment duration but we and she stuck with it and it did eventually start to stick.

 

My concern is this: how to I reach her as a person? How do I help her see that her unwillingness to humble herself is affecting her in painful, potentially dangerous ways? How do I help her to learn that it is okay to say, "hey, I screwed up...I'm sorry" without guile or self flagellation? How do I get her to accept consequences without a panic attack or a manipulative attempt to force me to stop the follow through? How can I get her to realize that her own efforts at self-protection can and do sometimes really hurt others?

 

She was suspended from school this week. It was literally the first time she has ever had a discipline issue there in two years...and I do mean that sincerely. She has never had so much as a warning slip sent home. However, she was on the receiving end of some minor bullying (to her, it was pretty major) and got caught in a defensive lie. Yes, she is responsible for the lie...it is not the bully's fault. When confronted, she had a HUGE panic attack and ended up cursing out teachers, refusing to leave a classroom and causing classes to be rerouted and delayed. The school is familiar with special needs kids and handled it with a lot of grace...however, it was so extreme that they may not allow her to return. This is not the first time she has gone from "zero to sixty" like that, with major social consequences. I worry that she is going to end up in prison someday, honestly.

 

From your description it sounds like what you really need is to work on helping her acquire the skills to reset and ground in these moments. I completely realize that is easier said than done but I think this is what you are looking for and I don't think you are going to be able to rationalize your way into this just by talking with her. I think in the moment she is just too paralyzed by her fear and panic and that is what needs to be addressed. Obviously safety has to addressed too and she and others need to be kept safe at all costs. Medication may have a role here. It is also possible that there is another comorbid psychiatric diagnosis that could be treated to take some of the edge off of all of this. Has she been evaluated by a child psychiatrist you trust? A second opinion might be very helpful here as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much ladies. You all have definitely made me feel better! So has her psychiatrist, who contacted me today and said that she needed more medication support rather than a kick in the ###. He feels that this is really a result of her anxiety vs. a genuinely difficult personality issue. So, between your encouragement, prayers and talking with him, I do feel better this afternoon!

 

!

 

That was my first thought. Not to "drug her" but rather give her the support she needs for the best brain function.

 

My 16dd has all signs of shaken baby but her MRI is clear (but history would certainly go with it) along with bipolar, a mental impairment, anxiety, PTSD, etc. and on and on. Medication has helped her tremendously. It is hard finding the right combo but it was so worth it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The doc has put her on Buspar, which specifically addresses chronic anxiety and works best in combination with another SSRI (which she is already taking). Apparently it works exponentially. Frankly, I am beyond thrilled with this plan as I have already discovered that one of the off-label uses for buspar is to decrease aggression in children with autism. Since dd also has SPD, which some consider a spectrum disorder, I am very hopeful that this will also help her curb her tendency to become aggressive with me when she is panicky.

 

She took it this morning and tonight is all giggly and agreeable. Kind of freaky, actually, and I am sure she will settle out. She has already agreed to go back up to school with homemade cupcakes in hand to apologize for freaking out last week. HUGE change from this morning. Wow.

 

LMV, I am really fine hearing any advice. Last night when I posted, I was blaming myself and looking for both miracles and ways to be a better parent! The clarity of the morning has brought me around, as have everyone's prayers! I am rallying, for sure. As far as CBT, etc. are concerned, I'd be more than happy for her to participate, but up until now she has refused any talk therapy. Our plan is to get her under control with medication as much as possible, then give that another go.

 

Any ideas are welcome, for sure. I always learn something new here. It is just that I am an LCSW and have pursued so many alternative treatments already that I have nearly gone broke doing so. OT for sensory issues, multiple rounds of counseling, VT, drugs, Neurofeedback...all out of pocket. I am SO glad, however, that I went ahead and called the psychiatrist this morning. I had no idea that Buspar was a possibility. It even has proved to increase working memory and spatial understanding in brain injury patients! I hesitate to call it a miracle yet, but it is certainly looking like an answer to prayer!

 

We shall see. Oh, and in response to LMV as well..dd was an infant adoption, so all her trauma was either prenatal in nature or caused within her own brain through anxiety. No abuse, neglect, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, :grouphug:. When anxiety makes kids act this way it is sure hard on their mamas. Ask me how I know. Whew....

 

I'd also like to second the recommendation for TF-CBT, even if she has no post-birth trauma history, EVEN if she won't talk. We found an amazing therapist for my now 8 yr old that managed to use TF-CBT techniques to help my kid learn to deal with his anxiety in a much more productive way (read - not flipping out, screaming, eyes rolling around in head, fighting as if his life depended on it way ;)). Oh, and he spoke to her maybe twice in the 1.5 years that we worked with her. He was listening, and I was listening, and we were able to implement strategies that REALLY helped.

 

I guess Durham is too far for you to drive for therapy?

 

Praying for you and your girl...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

LMV, I am really fine hearing any advice. Last night when I posted, I was blaming myself and looking for both miracles and ways to be a better parent! The clarity of the morning has brought me around, as have everyone's prayers! I am rallying, for sure. As far as CBT, etc. are concerned, I'd be more than happy for her to participate, but up until now she has refused any talk therapy. Our plan is to get her under control with medication as much as possible, then give that another go.

 

Any ideas are welcome, for sure. I always learn something new here. It is just that I am an LCSW and have pursued so many alternative treatments already that I have nearly gone broke doing so. OT for sensory issues, multiple rounds of counseling, VT, drugs, Neurofeedback...all out of pocket. I am SO glad, however, that I went ahead and called the psychiatrist this morning. I had no idea that Buspar was a possibility. It even has proved to increase working memory and spatial understanding in brain injury patients! I hesitate to call it a miracle yet, but it is certainly looking like an answer to prayer!

 

We shall see. Oh, and in response to LMV as well..dd was an infant adoption, so all her trauma was either prenatal in nature or caused within her own brain through anxiety. No abuse, neglect, etc.

 

Ok, I'm relatively new to the board so I didn't want to just kind of barge in and give you all this advice if you really just needed someone else to say I get it. I'm a physician but I learned a lot more about Pediatric PTSD and ED through our experiences with our foster daughter (and all my targeted research specifically for her) than I did doing my third year medical school psychiatry clerkship.

 

Our foster daughter also is not much of a "talk therapy" kid. She did some play therapy which frustrated her and she found patronizing (and more patronizing when the therapist doubted she knew the meaning of the word at ten---she did). The positive of this was that it did lead to some rapport with the therapist and opened up topics for us at home. She will talk to us because we have a relationship that she is mostly secure in. (Being completely secure is probably not a realistic expectation at this point. It encourages that she is more secure and comfortable than she was six months ago and much more than she was a year ago etc.) She also has done a lot with art therapy and this has been positive and she has dare I say enjoyed it.

 

Regarding CBT, in many ways I wouldn't consider it "talk therapy" because it is very skills based and structured. The child works through various exercises and skills with the therapist and ideally the parent encourages, and models skills use at home. It may be something to consider working towards after her psychiatrist feels the medications are optimally adjusted.

 

Hang in there! Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just thought you all might like to know that DD was able to go in and meet with the school folks today and was welcomed back with grace and forgiveness. The cupcakes DD brought didn't hurt, either! ;)

 

So far, a good ending to what could have been a bad story. I am praying that DD will continue to learn from this experience and work on her social skills, and that the medication will be the answer we've been looking for. I'd love it if you'd pray with me if you are so inclined!

 

TIA!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just spent the weekend at the Empowered to connect conference in nashville. They have many free resources available at the website on strategies to parent our kids from hard places. Dr. Karen Purvis is a Christian and has really made this a ministry. The conference was great and there dvd's available. Hope this helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...