Are my expectations unrealistic?

[JumpyTheFrog]

Do/did your 6-7 year old boys feel bad after yelling at their mom?

 

For example, a few days ago my 6 year old started yelling at me when I was in the kitchen. He wasn't merely whining or yelling about being hungry, he was actually yelling at me (while never noticing I had already put his breakfast on the table).

 

He's been yelling at me a lot this week. When we point it out to him later, he doesn't seem sorry at all. He sometimes apologizes, but it seems like he doesn't really mean it and is only trying to get out of trouble.

 

He is just as clueless about hurting his little brother's feelings. He is very intense and overdramatic himself (I'm reading "The Explosive Child" right now) but seems completely unable to sympathize with others, unless he feels someone is being treated unjustly; he has a huge sense of justice that shouldn't be violated!

 

Anyway, is it silly of me to expect a 6 year old to feel at least a little bad after yelling at me? (My 3 year old son is way more in tune with emotions and will look at me and ask if I'm tired or sick.)

[JumpyTheFrog]

Bumping to get more votes.

 

Maybe I should've had an option about voting Mrs. Mungo to be the next Stig.

[fairfarmhand]

my 10 yo has lots of empathy, my 14 yo can't see past her own feelings about any issue. still waiting for her to grow into empathy

[Mrs Mungo]

Bumping to get more votes.

 

Maybe I should've had an option about voting Mrs. Mungo to be the next Stig.

 

Ha! I cannot be The Stig. I did this military Humvee simulator one time with a group of wives and "killed" everyone in the vehicle due to "overly aggressive" driving. :lol:

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think you're going to start chasing your tail if you start telling another human being how to FEEL.

 

I guess my concern is the way DS1 will pester DS2, and when DS2 asks him to stop, or starts crying and telling him to stop, DS1 completely ignores him. He doesn't seem to care that his little brother thinks he is being mean.

[chickenpatty]

No, you are not being unrealistic.

Edited September 6, 2012 by chickenpatty
probably not very helpful advice:)

[Peaceful Isle]

You know, I think each child is different. My first son, when he was a baby, would cry if I cried. He was sooo sweet and caring. My second son ( he is 1 1/2) hits me, and says OW! and loves to see my reaction. He is non emotional, and his personality is so different than my first.

I think that the other poster is right about not worrying about his feelings. They will come in time, as he realizes how Much you, as his mom, does for him. :) I am sure it is hard, and it probably hurts your feelings. :grouphug:

[KrissiK]

I think you're going to start chasing your tail if you start telling another human being how to FEEL.

 

Concentrate on helping him behave correctly.

 

:iagree: My 9 year old is not there yet. But, he is quite pragmatic, so basically I use natural consequences. Yes, I do get on him for respect toward me and he gets a "clean mouth" if he talks disrespectfully, but also, if he is mean to his siblings, they don't have to play with him and that just gets him all bent out of shape because he can't stand playing by himself. I think it's the "ideal" for a child to feel empathy, compassion, etc. but even if they don't or are not there yet, I think it is my responsibility to at least train them to behave as if they do. That's how a civilized society works. I may not like you. I may be mad at you, but I need to be polite to you and not act upon my feelings, but work things out in a non-violent way.

[Kathryn]

I think you're going to start chasing your tail if you start telling another human being how to FEEL.

 

Concentrate on helping him behave correctly.

 

:iagree: but my 6yo is autistic, so I don't go there. I go for behavior, not feelings.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think that the other poster is right about not worrying about his feelings. They will come in time, as he realizes how Much you, as his mom, does for him. :) I am sure it is hard, and it probably hurts your feelings. :grouphug:

 

If you are familiar with Myers-Briggs personality test, his dad and I are both Ts, and 3 out of 4 grandparents probably are. My brother also is. So I get that he is probably a Thinker and not a Feeler, but I don't understand how a T can be so easily offended and blow up about stuff all the time.

 

When I compliment him about anything academic he gets offended and thinks I am mocking him. He also jumps to (incorrect) conclusions constantly and freaks out or throws a fit over what he assumes I am planning on making him do.

 

It seems like he has the worst traits of both Fs and Ts: the inability to empathize with others or understand his feelings, plus being emotionally dramatic and making us all endure his explosions.

 

Can you tell I've had a very frustrating week?

[maddykate]

How do you react when he yells at you? I think it is entirely reasonable to expect a six year old to not yell AT his mother. Do you tolerate it? In the example you gave about breakfast, if my son yelled at me, his breakfast would be removed and his nose put in the corner until I saw a significant attitude change. No one yells at me. Period.

[brendag]

I think your son is at that age where some kids have empathy and others are still developing it. I wouldn't be worried at age 6.

 

Do a search for empathy on google and you will find a slew of info. Some kids are more naturally empathetic and others need some guidance in that area.

 

Brenda

[Farrar]

I guess my concern is the way DS1 will pester DS2, and when DS2 asks him to stop, or starts crying and telling him to stop, DS1 completely ignores him. He doesn't seem to care that his little brother thinks he is being mean.

 

I think this is a case where emotion has to follow behavior though. None of us want to raise children without empathy, but in these early years, I think many if not most kids simply do not feel empathy consistently. However, most kids can learn to follow "the rules," even if it takes time and patience.

 

My kids are twins and one of them very naturally seems to feel bad about his behavior when it hurts others. He once got upset and pushed a friend who then fell and hurt himself and in the end, it was my kid who cried for longer and the other kid who had to comfort him. But his twin... eh... sometimes he feels really bad about things he's done, but most of the time, I have to really make it clear to him. He takes very explicit directions - your behavior hurt others and this is why and here's what you need to do about it. And that usually helps. Just expecting it doesn't really work.

[JumpyTheFrog]

In the example you gave about breakfast, if my son yelled at me, his breakfast would be removed and his nose put in the corner until I saw a significant attitude change.

 

I told him something about since he didn't want me around, I was going upstairs. I didn't need to remove his breakfast because he hadn't spotted it yet and didn't see it until I pointed it out 15-20 minutes later.

 

Putting him in the corner would be useless. (It might work on DS2, though.) He is completely irrational and intolerable when he's hungry, especially in the morning. He can't be reasoned with until he's eaten fat and protein and had time to digest.

 

He also yells at DS2 frequently. He also has a tendency to go around sounded very irritated at people.

[NotSoObvious]

I would also not worry about his feelings, but focus in correcting the behavior and modeling the apporpriate behavior. Maybe focus on how it makes the other person feel when he yells.

[redsquirrel]

What are you needing? Are you wanting a show of remorse? Because that is different than feeling remorse. It might be easier to get what you need if you tell him what you need or expect.

 

For example, have you told him you feel sad because of how he spoke to you and you need an apology from him to feel better?

 

Are you giving him specific examples of what kind of behavior you need? You say that he will pester ds2 and not stop when asked. Rather than looking to ds1 to feel a certain way, try just addressing the fact that he is not listening to a request to stop. A firm "your brother asked you to stop. Stop means stop. He shouldn't have to ask you twice." Rather than focusing on how he should feel might get you the results you need.

 

My older boy was very challenging when he was that age. He could just plow on ahead and really ignore other people's feelings to get what he wanted. It took some time (and growing up) and DH and I being very consistent and clear in our expectations around his behavior to get the changes we needed. To be honest, I have no idea if it was what we did or just the passage of time, but no one believes me now that ds1 was such a challenge. He is a very sweet and kind 12 year old.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Rather than looking to ds1 to feel a certain way, try just addressing the fact that he is not listening to a request to stop. A firm "your brother asked you to stop. Stop means stop. He shouldn't have to ask you twice."

 

We tell him "When your brother is screaming or crying, it means he doesn't like what you are doing. You need to stop," or "He asked you to stop and you kept on bothering him." We've been telling DS1 stuff like this for months. It doesn't seem to get through. He can't seem to understand that when DS2 is screaming or crying, it means he doesn't like it.

 

I've only been thinking about the lack of emotional understanding for a few days. DS2 told me at lunch a few days ago that DS1 is mean to him and that he shouldn't be. I agreed with him. They are best buddies most of the time and DS2 is very forgiving, but the screaming and crying is driving us crazy.