What to say to dd18?

[Catwoman]

I would be quite concerned about the combination of your dd's "less is more" clothing and footwear choices, and her weakness of giving out her number to strange men she meets on the bus.

 

This is potentially very dangerous.

 

I wouldn't give out a fake number, because there is a good chance she will see these men again on the bus, and they're not going to be thrilled that they called your dd but ended up talking to the dispatcher on the non-emergency police number. I wouldn't do the earbuds thing because it will make her appear not to be alert and aware of her surroundings, which would increase her chances of becoming a victim.

 

Tara, I think you are absolutely right that your dd enjoys the attention she's getting from wearing the provocative clothing. If she didn't like it, she would dress differently. Period. She just would.

 

Would she still get attention from men if she was wearing regular jeans and a polo shirt? Well, she'd get it from some of them, but a lot of the really sleazy guys are looking for girls who look like they put out. And a wardrobe of Daisy Dukes and high-heeled strappy sandals pretty much screams, "Hey, I'm easy," no matter who is wearing them.

 

My biggest concern is that your dd doesn't seem good at setting boundaries, nor is she adept at saying no. I think those are the things that she most needs to work on.

 

And FWIW, I would be far less concerned about her wardrobe if you'd said she was very strong-minded and that she had no problem standing up for herself and saying no. It's the combination of the way she dresses and the way you've described her personality that worries me.

 

Personally, if the men on the bus are a real problem, I would see to it that she got her driver's license and would get her a car (or help her get one.)

[Haiku]

This sounds so outside of my realm of experience that I can barely compute. Barely adult high school daughters of mine on public transport/ giving out ph # to strange men while wearing revealing clothes? Ok, I don't have one that old but, um, what?! I really feel like al this has potential disaster written all over it. :(

 

Wow, thanks, that was very helpful and encouraging.

 

:confused:

 

Tara

[Canadianmumof5]

I have learned that my opinions about parenting kids older than my own don't really matter.......until you are there, you just have no idea. Kinda like taking advice about homeschooling from people who have never homeschooled or like taking advice about your 11 year old from a mom with a 2 year old only.

 

I will say that having been an 18 year old, I would have appreciated more strict boundaries than what I had. But you seem to be doing all the right things????

 

Sorry I can't be more helpful :grouphug:

[mom31257]

She is an adult, so I would not breathe a word about how she dresses.

 

 

Why should turning 18 mean that parents no longer have a say? She's in high school, living at home, and not supporting herself. She's not really an adult yet. If she is doing things like giving out her number to strangers, she's not responsible enough to be treated like an adult, either, IMHO.

 

My parents put me through college and I lived at school and with them until I graduated at age 22. I felt the whole time that they had a say in my life, and honestly, I still value their opinion even though I'm 45.

[Catwoman]

This sounds so outside of my realm of experience that I can barely compute. Barely adult high school daughters of mine on public transport/ giving out ph # to strange men while wearing revealing clothes? Ok, I don't have one that old but, um, what?! I really feel like al this has potential disaster written all over it. :(

 

Wow, thanks, that was very helpful and encouraging.

 

:confused:

 

Tara

 

Tara, I'm not exactly sure what you expected Lisbeth to say. She only repeated things you've already mentioned yourself about your dd, and in all honesty, I can't imagine how you wouldn't think there was the potential for disaster here. Your dd is making immature choices, has trouble saying no to men (thankfully just about giving out her phone number so far,) and is dressing very provocatively.

 

Obviously, you think there is a problem, too, or you wouldn't have posted about it. Are we missing some of the details here?

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that your dd is a bad kid. She sounds like an innocent girl who hasn't quite grasped the fact that her style of dress could potentially cause a problem for her, nor the fact that if she gives her phone number to a strange man, she should expect that he will call her.

[Jenny in Florida]

She can't give them that number. That's Jenny's number. ;)

 

Hey!

[IsabelC]

This is an interesting idea. I'd probably either try this, or else just say, "I'm sorry, riding the bus sounds frustrating. I hope you figure something out."

:iagree: And maybe offer to help her with organizing her license if she wants.

[amy g.]

I completely understand if other parents feel like their kids are still children at 18. That just doesn't happen to be my parenting philosophy.

 

I have given my children more and more responsibility over their own lives during the teenage years, and at 18, my daughter is fully capable of choosing her own clothes and making other decisions that adults are allowed to make. Actually, so are my 16 and 13 year olds.

 

That does not mean I will not help them. I spend my entire week driving them to activities. But if my best friend, or my sister were unable to drive, I would do the same for them, and they are adults.

 

I would NOT try to influence how my sister or best friend dresses. It just isn't appropriate.

 

An 18 year old living at home is a gray parenting area. Families are going to handle them differently. I bend over backwards to be respectful to my teenagers so that we can build heathy adult relationships, and so that at 18, they actually are capable of making their own decisions and of being responsible adults.

[Denisemomof4]

This sounds so outside of my realm of experience that I can barely compute. Barely adult high school daughters of mine on public transport/ giving out ph # to strange men while wearing revealing clothes? Ok, I don't have one that old but, um, what?! I really feel like al this has potential disaster written all over it. :(

 

Honestly, some kids do what they want to do, against parents wishes, despite the best of parenting. Sometimes no matter what a parent does, the child rebels. It happens. And then those parents are typically judged.:glare:

 

Tara, :grouphug:

[stripe]

I think the way men relate to attractive women they don't know is a lot different in different cultures. I'm going to be very blunt here: my dd is black, and almost universally so are the guys who harass her. I'm not saying that all black guys are inappropriate with women, but I do think there that there is an element in just about every racial/cultural community of people who are just kinda low-class and gross about women. I work with some white guys who are the same way. At the risk of sounding racist, classist, and every other -ist there is, my experience is that the people who act this way are more likely to be less educated and less wealthy. I AM NOT SAYING that less educated, less wealthy people as whole act this way, just that the people who act this way tend to be ... if that makes sense. I have had to become a lot less squicked out by discussing race and class issues than I used to be because my black, middle-class child notices a lot of differences between the kids she goes to school with versus the kids she plays soccer with versus the kids she did her summer internship with versus the kids she goes to camp with ... and the same with the adults in the various areas of her life. I'm a lot more plain-spoken about such matters now, which is why I didn't hesitate to tell my daughter that a guy/man who walks up to a strange (young) woman on the street and asks her out, calls her baby (or worse), presses her for her phone number, tries to touch her, and is not put off by the fact that she is young/still in high school/dating someone else, etc., is not a classy guy ... no matter his race or culture.

 

 

I think the issue is also that most people talk to people who look like them, at least first, so that your daughter looks like an African American, she is more likely to be approached by AA men/boys, whereas Latina girls are more often approached by Latino men and boys, and white girls by white boys/men. Obviously not universal but even in committing crimes, most criminals stick to victimizing "their own." It certainly doesn't mean that any one group is sleezier than another, and there are obviously exceptions.

 

I wonder, is she somehow craving boys' attention and therefore kind of putting up with weirdos because a) at least they're male or b) it beats nothing or c) they seem more interesting than the boys from school?

[Haiku]

Tara, I'm not exactly sure what you expected Lisbeth to say.

 

Utter incredulity + nothing helpful to say = rubbed the wrong way. Her post sounded like if I were just parenting properly, this wouldn't be happening.

 

I know it's hard for people with young kids to believe, but 18 year olds (and even 17, 16, 15, and 14 year olds) are their own people who are not always in doe-eyed awe of what mom and dad have to say. You reach a point where demanding and commanding are no longer effective parenting strategies.

 

Not that it really matters, but this dd was adopted at age 11 and has always had values that differ from ours.

 

Obviously, you think there is a problem, too, or you wouldn't have posted about it. Are we missing some of the details here?

 

 

No, but I asked for advice. Her post contained no advice and not even commiseration. It rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

Why should turning 18 mean that parents no longer have a say?

 

We have plenty of say in dd's life. We are, as she constantly informs us, the most restrictive parents she knows. And I believe her. The whole time we have had her (since she was adopted at 11) we have been the strict parents.

 

But she's 18 now. I can tell her it's a bad idea to give out her phone number, but I am not willing to take away the phone that she bought and pays for with the money she earns at a job that is hers. I can't afford to buy her (or even help buy her) a car. I have restrictions on what she can and can't wear (no writing on the butt, no underwear worn as regular clothing, no jeans so ripped that there is less denim than skin visible; heck, in July I vetoed an outfit she planned to wear to my parents' 20th wedding anniversary). But if she wants to wear Daisy Dukes or strappy heeled sandals, I don't really think I can restrict that. I can tell her I think she looks like a hooker (which I haven't said in so many words, but I did get my point across when she wanted to know why I didn't like one of her outfits), and she leaves for school before I get up anyway. I'm not going to get up and do a clothing check on my 18 year old. I'm not going to micromanage her life. I don't think that's helpful. I don't think it leave sher room to make mistakes and grow.

 

Bottom line, dd is an adult who is making dumb choices, just like hoards of adults do every day. I have given her my advice, I have talked with her about possible solutions (such as riding the bus with a girl in the neighborhood who gets on the next bus, which comes 15 minutes later, but dd doesn't want to do this as she wants to get to school early to socialize), and dd has blown off all my suggestions. I pretty much just don't want to listen to her whine anymore.

 

I appreciate the advice people have given me. I understand dd is making poor choices. You can lead a horse to water and all that ...

 

Tara

[Desert Rat]

867-5309 :D

 

Not to derail the thread, but did you also know that you can also take advantage of store rewards programs with your own area code and Jenny's number? Try it next time you're at Petco or something. Someone else originally set up the account under that number, so I just use it and let them gather the rewards while I get the instant savings at the store.

I would never try to cash in their rewards. My dh and I use Jenny's number all the time.

[KungFuPanda]

When I was younger than your daughter, I had a license, and a car that I PAID FOR MYSELF, including gas. My parents did pay for my insurance, but I'd taken driver's Ed and was an honor student.

 

Your daughter sounds remarkably immature for her age. She's an adult and needs to figure out how to make things happen without whining to her mother. Does she have plans past high school?

[mom31257]

We have plenty of say in dd's life. We are, as she constantly informs us, the most restrictive parents she knows. And I believe her. The whole time we have had her (since she was adopted at 11) we have been the strict parents.

 

But she's 18 now. I can tell her it's a bad idea to give out her phone number, but I am not willing to take away the phone that she bought and pays for with the money she earns at a job that is hers. I can't afford to buy her (or even help buy her) a car. I have restrictions on what she can and can't wear (no writing on the butt, no underwear worn as regular clothing, no jeans so ripped that there is less denim than skin visible; heck, in July I vetoed an outfit she planned to wear to my parents' 20th wedding anniversary). But if she wants to wear Daisy Dukes or strappy heeled sandals, I don't really think I can restrict that. I can tell her I think she looks like a hooker (which I haven't said in so many words, but I did get my point across when she wanted to know why I didn't like one of her outfits), and she leaves for school before I get up anyway. I'm not going to get up and do a clothing check on my 18 year old. I'm not going to micromanage her life. I don't think that's helpful. I don't think it leave sher room to make mistakes and grow.

 

Bottom line, dd is an adult who is making dumb choices, just like hoards of adults do every day. I have given her my advice, I have talked with her about possible solutions (such as riding the bus with a girl in the neighborhood who gets on the next bus, which comes 15 minutes later, but dd doesn't want to do this as she wants to get to school early to socialize), and dd has blown off all my suggestions. I pretty much just don't want to listen to her whine anymore.

 

I appreciate the advice people have given me. I understand dd is making poor choices. You can lead a horse to water and all that ...

 

Tara

 

I really wasn't directing my statement at you, so please don't take it that way. It was really at the post I quoted by "amy g.". I was only questioning that poster stating that she wouldn't breathe a word about how she dresses because she's an adult. I really don't think turning 18 means a person is an adult in reality. To me, a person is truly an adult when he or she is able to support himself or herself. If a person is living at home, but paying rent, taking care of themselves, working, and basically are a boarder, then I think they would be considered an adult. If a parent is feeding and paying for a child to go to college, that child should still be accountable to the parent for many things.

 

It sounds like you are trying to balance your beliefs with hers and giving her space to grow up and that's a good thing. I pray that you both will come to terms with this and above all that she'll be safe.

[Audrey]

Obviously, she likes the attention and goes out of her way to get it. She also knows how to push your buttons by "complaining" about the bus the way she does.

 

You've told her time and again how to avoid that. She chooses not to listen and continues to whine about something that is of her own making.

 

If it were me, I would tell her "you can walk, bless your heart."

 

Sorry, but I have no patience for that kind of whiney manipulative crap.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Audrey

[justamouse]

I My Dd17 was dressing in a way that I was NOT comfortable with. THough she has a longtime boyfriend, and doesn't ever *realize* that other men are staring at her, it still didn't mean that the men were all in the wrong.

 

So I asked her what she was selling.

 

SHe has a longstanding boyfriend, I know they talk about marriage, and I asked her if THAT was her man, if so, why is she selling what belongs to him (the opposite applies, too, would she want HIM selling what belongs to her?)? Does she want that attention? Does she WANT people to think less of him because she dresses like that? Does she think so little of herself that ALL she is is a pretty body? You can dress well, very attractive and NOT look like a streetwalker.

 

She immediately changed the way she dressed.

 

 

Look, I'm all for men having some class, and not being pigs, but we ALSO have a responsibility to know our worth and teach our daughters the same.

 

And, if she wants wheels, she can get a job and pay for it all.

Edited September 8, 2012 by justamouse

[bkpan]

I've heard that some states have a "get lost" phone number you can hand out. The caller will hear some message to the effect of "The person who gave you this number wants nothing to do with you. Go away."

 

Oh my that is unkind.:huh: I do not understand the idea that it is OK to encourage our daughters to treat our sons this way?? I will admit that I did a lot of this when I was a young woman, but as I got older I have realized how really unkind and disrespectful to men this behavior is.

 

I am planning on encouraging my dd to be honest and respectful to any male and treat them with the dignity that she wishes to be treated with. That would be an honest, No, I dont want to give you my number. Thanks for asking though, with a sincere smile. Now I realize that sometimes guys can be persistent and the smile might leave with a firmer no. But, I cannot imagine why it would be a good thing to teach our girls to lie and deceive. Just my .02.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would use the the last line of your post. "Honey, we have given you suggestions to improve your time on the bus. Now we are done listening to the whine."

 

-- When I had to take the bus once upon a time, I had similar issues despite dressing a bit more conservatively. What I did about it was to sit just off the driver's shoulder (front right seat, that is), and if I was approached, I would clearly and distinctly say, "I am NOT interested. Please leave me alone." On one or two occasions, the person did not leave me alone, and the bus driver had him get off the bus.

[Catwoman]

Utter incredulity + nothing helpful to say = rubbed the wrong way. Her post sounded like if I were just parenting properly, this wouldn't be happening.

 

I honestly didn't get that impression, but then again, the post wasn't directed toward me, so there was no reason for me to take it personally. I thought that Lisbeth was seeing the potential for disaster, but because of your dd's actions, not yours as her mom. But obviously, I'm not Lisbeth, so I can't say for sure. :001_smile:

 

Perhaps my own interpretation was colored by the fact that I believe you are a good parent who is trying to deal with a whining dd who doesn't realize that she is her own worst enemy. You can give her great advice until you're blue in the face, but you can't make her take it, and at some point (and I think you're there,) you get tired of talking to the wall and wish she would just shut up and quit complaining if she is not going to actively try to make any positive changes.

 

Personally, I think she should get her driver's license, get a job, and buy herself a car. Bus problem solved. I don't understand her reluctance to work if you've made it clear that you won't be buying her a car. (If she thought she could talk you into buying one for her, that's another story... :rolleyes:) Maybe it's something to do with where we live, but I have never known a teenager who didn't want a car.

 

I feel so badly for you, Tara, because you know what your dd should be doing, yet you can't make her take your advice. :grouphug:

 

However, I will say one thing. If I had a dd and she was having the same problems on the bus that your dd is having, she wouldn't be on that bus. Period. I would be driving her to and from school every day, even if it was a huge inconvenience for me. Sure, she's 18 and technically an adult, but she's also still in high school, which kind of negates the whole "adult thing" in my mind. High school kids are still kids to me, and your dd sounds more like a kid than like an adult. (As an example, she gives out her number to strange men, even though she doesn't want to, because she doesn't know how to refuse their requests. That's kid behavior, not adult woman behavior. She isn't ready for relationships with adult men yet, and she might be very worried about riding the bus because she's not comfortable with the older men's attentions. She might want to wear the revealing outfits so the high school boys will notice her, yet still be uncomfortable when older men approach her.)

 

Honestly, if she was in college and having the same problems, I would probably still drive her to and from school. I wouldn't be willing to risk my child's safety if I felt that riding the bus posed any danger to her. Her safety would come first -- but I would also want to know if she was in any real danger, or if she was just looking for a convenient excuse not to ride the bus! (I would also strongly encourage her to buy a car, as well, so she could start driving herself where she needed to go.)

 

One thing you can do, though, is this: The next time she starts whining, ask her very directly, "Exactly what do you want me to do about it?" and see what she says. She may be hoping you will volunteer to drive her where she needs to go. If she says you can't do anything, say, "Then exactly what are you going to do about it?" And if she gets all whiny about it, tell her to stop complaining until she's ready to come up with a plan and see it through. But I would take the complaining seriously, if it's frequent and consistent, because it could indicate that your dd is nervous about riding the bus, and is hoping you will find a way to help her.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Catwoman

[Luanne]

.. that the problem comes in when a parent makes all decisions for their child and allows them no say whatsoever in what they do or wear, etc. (not saying the OP did this) and then when they turn 18, they suddenly leave ALL decisions (with NO guidance) to their teen and wonder why they teen makes bad choices and decisions. You have to ease them into it. I didn't make decisions for my daughter when she was 18, but I didn't make all her decisions when she was 16 either.

[Susan C.]

I am one of those moms who drive my guts out getting my dd18 to where she needs to be. We are talking 300-400 miles a week. Even if we had bus service I wouldn't put her on the bus. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her. She will eventually take the responsibility herself, but it is a process and she isn't there yet.

 

If there is absolutely no way you can do the driving, you have my sympathy. But maybe you could consider driving her. The care and time you put into it may go a long way into improving things. I do know when I am in a bind, my dd bends over backwards to help me because I help her when she needs it. We got each other's back.

[Luanne]

I was thinking that, but wasn't sure if I should post about it. I never sent my daughter alone on public transportation here. It isn't safe. Sure there is a small chance anything would happend to her, but why take even that small chance. I have a friend who rides the bus here quite frequently and he said there are tons of strange people on the bus. No to mention the waiting at the bus stop, etc.

[Harriet Vane]

Those of you who are concerned about the bus--do you live in a city?

 

I ask because I am a bit floored at the assertion that the bus is as unsafe as you say. I lived in Chicago for fourteen years. My husband took the el train to work every day through quite a variety of neighborhoods. My kids and I took the train or the bus (city bus, suburban bus, el train, and Metra train) all over the place.

 

Most of my friends were/are comfortable sending their kids on the bus and etc. as teens. In my large circle of acquaintances not one person, ever, had a problem on public transportation. (In fact, most of our problems were due to less-than-helpful city employees, but that's another rant for another day.) I do know that there can be problems on public transportation (theft being the most common concern), just as there are in any public place, but for the most part we were/are absolutely fine on public transportation.

 

I had NO money as a teen and as a young adult, and precious little help at that time either. I had to rely on public transportation, biking, or walking at all times.

 

I don't think Tara has to start driving her adult daughter all over the place. Her daughter's decisions to interact with strangers and give them her phone number are HER decisions. She is unsafe NOT because public transportation is unsafe, but because SHE is choosing to ignore the wise counsel of those who love her.

[Denisemomof4]

IMO, city or not, an 18 year old adult should be able to ride the bus without concern.

[Luanne]

I don't know. I do know that just walking somewhere by yourself here (be it to the bus-stop or wherever) is taking a chance that something might happen to you. I wouldn't even consider living alone here. There have been too many cases of women being raped or even murdered that lived alone. We are not even in a huge city, but not really a small town either. There have also been cases of women out jogging in broad daylight being raped or kidnapped. Even if there is a small chance of this happening, it's not a chance I am willing to take.

[LucyStoner]

Well, first off I think she needs to be taught that it is perfectly acceptable and polite to decline requests for her number. And that she is under no obligation to be polite to inappropriate males. Safety trumps social grace at times.

 

Then, while I would be bothered by her dress, I would not assume that the way she looks will protect her from male attention. Some men and boys will pretty much hit on basically any young women. Because of their youth and inexperience, young women will often feel they have to talk. So the guys who do this will focus on an 18 year old instead of a 24 year old who has the presence of mind to say bugger off. From ages 15 until I got pregnant the first year of marriage at 22, I received constant unwanted attention. Believe me I was never wearing anything vaguely suggestive- I am from Seattle, it was grunge era. I was wearing enough clothing to clothe 2-3 girls modestly most of the time. I wised up to being polite and started ignoring or shaming/shutting down overtures by about age 16 or so. Once a man, with his teenage son approached me because they wanted to offer me money to sleep with the son.:001_huh: No sh!t. What pray tell was I wearing to attract this attention? I had on a granny dress OVER loose jeans and under two shirts and huge beige fisherman style sweater. I had wool gloves on. Big black combat style books and I was toting a jammed packed Jansport backpack covered in patches and signatures. Quintessential Mid 90s Seattle high schooler getting on the flipping bus at dusk on a not so great street. Some men have NO shame and it really matters not what a girl is wearing. While that was the only time someone made me for a prostitute, being somewhat aggressively approached was a seemingly daily occurence. I could be wearing anything and it could happen. Certainly they didn't get a friendly vibe. I hit or pushed away more than a couple and often announced so people around would hear "leave me alone now" or occasionally even sometimes an insult. It was really irritating and honestly one reason I was hlad to keep some weight on for awhile after my son was born. And why I took TKD and other self defense classes. More than once I was followed off the bus. Another time I was handed a flyer advertising stripper openings and once an invite from some woman to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend. I would walk to the nearest phone and a couple times called the cops or flagged down a patrol car. I was outgoing but I never struck up conversations unless it was a classmate or someone I had seen a lot and was not hitting on me. FWIW, I am not unattractive but I am not a knockout either. Appearance or dress is not always a draw for this sort of "attention."

 

Even with all that, I still consider busses plenty safe. Yeah, there are some real turds out there as far as dudes who will hit on someone on the bus. But rare was the dude who didn't back down the second I called attention to him. I am not comfortable modifying my perfectly reasonable desire to navigate independently in public without constant fear. I have survived a violent crime (not preventable by being off the bus) and a big reason I can move on in life is because I don't let fear get to me. The problem is not the girls being out and independent, the problem is that some people think it is ok to harass them under the guise of flirting and operating the assumption the girl will talk with them to be polite.

Edited September 8, 2012 by kijipt

[Catwoman]

I am one of those moms who drive my guts out getting my dd18 to where she needs to be. We are talking 300-400 miles a week. Even if we had bus service I wouldn't put her on the bus. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her. She will eventually take the responsibility herself, but it is a process and she isn't there yet.

 

If there is absolutely no way you can do the driving, you have my sympathy. But maybe you could consider driving her. The care and time you put into it may go a long way into improving things. I do know when I am in a bind, my dd bends over backwards to help me because I help her when she needs it. We got each other's back.

 

I was thinking that, but wasn't sure if I should post about it. I never sent my daughter alone on public transportation here. It isn't safe. Sure there is a small chance anything would happend to her, but why take even that small chance. I have a friend who rides the bus here quite frequently and he said there are tons of strange people on the bus. No to mention the waiting at the bus stop, etc.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

IMO, city or not, an 18 year old adult should be able to ride the bus without concern.

 

Yes, but in my mind, they key word is adult, and it doesn't sound like Tara's dd is an adult in any way, other than the fact that she's 18. I wouldn't even be concerned about her style of dress if Tara had said that her dd could deal appropriately with the men who approach her on the bus, but that's not the case here. If she always had a friend with her, I wouldn't worry, either. But it sounds like this girl is on the bus for quite a while each day (I think Tara said something like 40 minutes each way, but I can't remember for sure and as usual, I'm too lazy to check :tongue_smilie:,) and that's a long time if some guy is harassing her and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

In short, if she were my dd, I would worry that if she can't even say no to a man who asks for her phone number, how could I be sure that she would say no to a man who insisted on walking with her after they got off the bus, and would she be too polite to kick and scream if he got touchy-feely? (I'm not suggesting in any way that she would WANT to go with some guy, just that she may not want to offend him, and that she might not see the danger until it was too late.) She sounds like a sweet girl who wants to attract the boys, but is creeped out when an older guy comes on to her in a strong manner. Until she learns how to deflect unwanted advances, I don't think I'd want her on that bus, if she's getting a lot of attention she's not yet capable of handling.

[Haiku]

Your daughter sounds remarkably immature for her age.

 

I think that, like many young adults, my dd is immature in some ways and mature in others. Two years ago, she failed two classes. This was a huge wake-up call to her, and she has really busted her hump the past two years not only to improve her grades but also to excel in school so she can reach her goal of becoming a physical therapist. This past summer she was accepted into a competitive internship at the local university's medical school. She was one of only 20, out of well over 100 kids who applied, who were accepted. She recently dumped some friends who gave her cr@p about spending her whole summer "working" (at the internship) instead of playing (hanging out wasting time) with them. She had the presence of mind to realize they were jealous and not interested in helping her better herself. I don't think she's all-around immature.

 

Does she have plans past high school?

 

Yes. She plans to get a Master's degree and become a physical therapist. By completing the internship this summer, she earned a one year tuition-free scholarship to the local university.

 

You've told her time and again how to avoid that. She chooses not to listen and continues to whine about something that is of her own making.

 

This is kinda how dd has operated ever since we adopted her. We were told by the orphanage staff that she was a whiner. They were right. We have had to work very hard to attempt to break her of the habit of blaming everyone/everything for her unhappiness and trying to shove all responsibility off on others. I think she does much better than she used to, but, as this situation illustrates, she's not all the way there yet.

 

Personally, I think she should get her driver's license, get a job, and buy herself a car. Bus problem solved. I don't understand her reluctance to work if you've made it clear that you won't be buying her a car.

 

I don't think dd is reluctant to work. She has a job, and they praise her a lot for her work ethic. In the past, dh did not allow her to get a job during school (we encouraged her to in the summers, but until this summer she didn't) because he wanted her focus on school (see first paragraph of this post). She is now limited by us to working 12 hours a week. She goes to a very demanding school, and we still feel she needs to focus on her studies first. 75% of what she earns must be saved for college. She can't afford a car on the rest. Frankly, her having a license and a car is of very little concern to me. We bought a house on a bus line for a reason.

 

I would be driving her to and from school every day, even if it was a huge inconvenience for me.

 

This is not possible due to my work schedule and the schedules of my other kids. Another thing we have had to break dd of since we adopted her 7 years ago is trying to cause enough controversy that the household revolves around her, so even if I could drive her, I wouldn't. There's nothing wrong with the bus.

 

I never sent my daughter alone on public transportation here. It isn't safe. Sure there is a small chance anything would happend to her, but why take even that small chance.

 

The bus is fine. I grew up riding it. All the kids who go to public high school in our city ride it.

 

I don't think Tara has to start driving her adult daughter all over the place. Her daughter's decisions to interact with strangers and give them her phone number are HER decisions. She is unsafe NOT because public transportation is unsafe, but because SHE is choosing to ignore the wise counsel of those who love her.

 

I agree with this.

 

IMO, city or not, an 18 year old adult should be able to ride the bus without concern.

 

I agree with this, too.

 

they key word is adult, and it doesn't sound like Tara's dd is an adult in any way, other than the fact that she's 18.

 

Perhaps, but I don't think catering to her immaturity/stubbornness is the way to go. I guess you would have to understand more about our history with our dd to understand how much of a master she is at manipulating to get her way. When dd has real problems, she has generally gotten very good at addressing them (she had no problem-solving skills at all when she came to us, and we have really focused on teaching them to her). When she just wants her way because she wants her way, she tends to be whiny, immature, and manipulative - skills she learned in the orphanage. We don't cater to that. My dd doesn't like the bus because it's more work for her than just hopping in my car and letting me drive and because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the male attention thing were simply a red herring, because she has been complaining about riding the bus since I stopped driving her to school when she started 7th grade (she started school near the end of 6th grade a year after we adopted her, and there was no bus to the school she was in, so I drove her. She had to start riding the school bus, not the public bus, when she was in 7th, and she has complained ever since). Part of why she doesn't like it is that it means getting up earlier and having to dress for the weather.

 

I think Tara said something like 40 minutes each way

 

No, that was one instance where she needed to go across town. Her bus ride to school, from where she gets on to where she gets off, is 7 minutes.

 

Again, thanks for all the advice and suggestions.

 

Tara

[Catwoman]

Her bus ride to school, from where she gets on to where she gets off, is 7 minutes.

 

Tara, thank you for all of the clarification! I'm seeing this in a different light now. :001_smile:

 

7 MINUTES??? :eek:

 

She can deal with 7 minutes.

 

I was thinking she was on the bus for a total of well over an hour each day, not less than 15 minutes.

 

Oh yeah. That changes everything.

 

Quit whining, kid, and get on the bus. :glare:

 

(And even the fastest-talking guy on the planet is going to have trouble making a move and asking your dd for her phone number in 7 minutes. I have to agree with you that it's probably a rare occurrence that she would have that kind of trouble on the bus.)

 

Edited to add: I would still encourage her to get her license and to work toward buying a car. You said that she's doing very well in her studies and has already earned a scholarship, so I can understand wanting to let her limit the number of hours she works each week -- school comes first. But because her work hours are limited, I think I would contribute as much money as I could to help her get her own car, so she will have one by the time she starts college.

 

Even if you're anti-car for some reason, she really should have her license. If nothing else, at least she will be able to drive home if she's out with friends and whomever is driving gets drunk. I would want my 18yo to be able to drive both standard and automatic transmission cars, and I would want to be sure she could do it confidently and safely.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Catwoman

[In The Great White North]

If all the high schoolers in town have to ride the bus, why is she still riding the bus alone?

[LibraryLover]

School bus? I thought she was on a city bus for many dangerous hours a week, giving her number to men. A 7 minute school bus ride? It is too laugh. Get on it, sweetheart.

 

My schooled kids rode the bus to school as well. Even at 18. Sure they would rather not, but I told them ecologically it's insanity for me to clog that road when there was a bus that stopped *in front of our house*.

 

I did do a lot of picking up due to sports and other afterschool activities.

[Haiku]

If all the high schoolers in town have to ride the bus, why is she still riding the bus alone?

 

The school dd goes to is a school for kids who need intensive preparation for college. It serves a largely poor, urban population. The area we live in, while still within the city limits, is comprised of people who generally send their kids to private school rather than public school (it's not a "rich" area, but it is middle class). There is only one other student at dd's school who lives along the bus line dd takes to school. Most of the kids at the school (which is downtown, on the campus of a local private university, although it's a public school) come from the other side of town.

 

Tara

[katilac]

School bus? I thought she was on a city bus for many dangerous hours a week, giving her number to men. A 7 minute school bus ride? It is too laugh. Get on it, sweetheart.

 

My schooled kids rode the bus to school as well. Even at 18. Sure they would rather not, but I told them ecologically it's insanity for me to clog that road when there was a bus that stopped *in front of our house*.

 

I did do a lot of picking up due to sports and other afterschool activities.

 

It is a city bus, I believe. Lots of urban kids take city busses to school.