What to say to dd18?

[Haiku]

My dd18 is a senior in public high school. For a variety of reasons that are not really relevant to this thread, she does not have a driver's license and therefore has to take the public (not school) bus to school. She gets on at the end of our street and gets off 3 blocks from her school, on a commercial street right by the local university.

 

She complains longly, loudly, and with regularity about how much she hates taking the bus. She blames having to take the bus on why she doesn't go out more (we are not always available to drive her), and she used to blame it on why she didn't have a job (she now has one she can walk to). Any time she gets the chance, she regales me with tales of how much she hates the bus.

 

The reason she hates it is because she gets a lot of male attention. She is a very attractive young lady, so I'm not surprised she gets male attention, but ... I think she's part of the problem.

 

My dd's fashion sense is, well, let's just say I would never dress the way she does, and I wouldn't have at her age, either. She doesn't wear anything beyond-the-pale scandalous, because we won't allow her to, but she does wear Daisy Dukes, high-heeled strappy sandals, what I refer to as @ss-tight jeans (skinny jeans, but ridiculously skinny), off-the-shoulder shirts, etc. Today, while taking some laundry out of the dryer, I noticed that her bra is a super-padded push-up bra.

 

She also engages in conversation with people when they approach her. She has even given out her number to men she doesn't know! She doesn't answer their calls or texts, but she says she feels rude if she doesn't talk to them or give out her number when asked for it.

 

My dh and I have had over a dozen conversations with her about these things. I have told her that she is under no obligation to speak to these people and that classy guys don't approach young women on the street/bus. I have told her to put in earphones and close her eyes so that she looks unapproachable. She doesn't do these things and still complains.

 

We have also gently (and sometimes not so gently) discussed with her how her clothing choices affect the view people take of her. I have told her it's a shame that women can't dress however they want but that it's life and she just has to take responsibility for it. Nothing changes, and she still complains.

 

Honestly, I suspect that she secretly enjoys the attention she gets.

 

I'm tired of hearing her gripe about the bus. Every kid she goes to school with takes the bus, as our district does not offer high school transportation. It's not something that only she must suffer through. I feel that she's being overly dramatic and refusing to do anything about this problem she's obsessed with. I no longer feel sympathetic to her.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle this? Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Tara

[amy g.]

I have an 18 year old without a drivers liscense too. Does your daughter not have hers because she doesnt want one?

 

She is an adult, so I would not breathe a word about how she dresses.

 

When she complains about the bus, I'd let it roll right off of my back. I'd say something breezy like, "life is hard allover, Babe"

[Aggie]

I'd be tempted to go with her one day. :lol:

 

As an experiment, both of you dress like very, very poor homeless people. The next day dress and act very proper.

 

One day act very rude, loud and obnoxious. One day act very polite and kind and helpful.

 

(This doesn't have to be all on the bus. You can go to McD's or WM)

 

Help her see that how she dresses and acts can determine how people treat us. Think she'll get the connection?

[Grover]

Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Tara

 

 

this is where I'd go, yes - you have made a choice. Deal with it. If you don't like it, change it.

[Unicorn.]

Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Tara

 

Yes. I would just bluntly, and not so politely tell her she can either change how she looks and acts, or she can shut up about it. You've tried to tell her, she doesn't want to listen, and you don't want to hear it anymore. :D

[JumpyTheFrog]

As an experiment, both of you dress like very, very poor homeless people. The next day dress and act very proper.

...

Help her see that how she dresses and acts can determine how people treat us. Think she'll get the connection?

 

This is an interesting idea. I'd probably either try this, or else just say, "I'm sorry, riding the bus sounds frustrating. I hope you figure something out."

[amy g.]

I guess I don't really know that she would get less attention if she dressed differently.

 

I walked home from High School through an urban, commercial area. I got honks and cat calls everyday in spite of my baggy jeans and sweatshirts.

 

My 18 year old dresses even more conservatively than I did. She still gets unwanted male attention.

 

If she doesn't want to ride the bus, does she have a plan for getting a drivers license?

[Jean in Newcastle]

The phone number thing would upset me. I would tell her to give out a fake number.

[mom2hunangirls]

Without giving details can you say if she is the reason she's riding the bus? I think my response would be different if her choices were putting her there or if nothing in her power would change her being there. Kwim?

If it were within dd's power to change situation I would be less empathetic and more "do something about it"..if weren't anything other than the hand she was dealt I would be more "it stinks, life is unfair, do you want to think of ways to deal together?".

[eternalknot]

 

Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle this? Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Tara

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to say, "Asked and answered" - you've obviously acknowledged her concerns, and have already addressed them. That you're not giving her the guidance she's hoping or wanting to hear, isn't really your problem, you know? (Of course you do LOL, but she needs to!)

 

Your opinion and advice on how she can handle the situation isn't going to change. If she were a friend complaining about a less-than-desireable situation ad nauseum, whilst not doing anything to change said situation ... you'd probably reach the same point you have with your daughter. Now that your DD is an adult, I think it's fine to treat her as a fellow adult. "We've discussed this. You know my opinion. You don't agree with my opinion. For the sake of all that is right and holy in this world, we need to agree to not discuss it unless something changes. On your end. :tongue_smilie:!"

 

Or she needs to make friends with (or hire) someone who drives.

 

Either way she needs to get over it. If she wants to engage in a war of complaints, do that LOL. We all have our mountains to cross, so to speak. The mountain isn't going anywhere, so standing at the bottom waiting for IT to move is a futile exercise. It's up to me to figure out how to navigate it. I also tell them that every successful climber has her sherpa, and that while I'm available for the job ... I'm not desperate for it. If you want sympathy, find a peer; if you're open to my wisdom, I'm open to sharing it.

 

I have a sister close in age to your daughter. I empathize LOL.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I would tell her to give out a fake number.

 

I've heard that some states have a "get lost" phone number you can hand out. The caller will hear some message to the effect of "The person who gave you this number wants nothing to do with you. Go away."

[Harriet Vane]

Tara, you have good instincts. I think it's fine to say exactly as you suggest at the end of your post. There's no sense in replaying the same tired conversations over and over.

 

:grouphug:

[Caitilin]

~thread jack ~

 

Nice to see you, eternalknot! :D

[marbel]

The phone number thing would upset me. I would tell her to give out a fake number.

 

I don't think this is a good idea. A guy could get angry if he tries it and discovers he's been tricked, and he knows where she gets on (or off) the bus.

 

Nothing you can do about any of it, Tara, except maybe pull out the old "you live in my house, you live by my rules" deal. My kids aren't old enough for me to know if that actually works.

 

Maybe you can find someone else to talk to her. Some friend of yours or hers, someone who is not Mom. Sometimes they listen to Not Mom better, right?

 

Her lack of boundary instincts may be problematic in the future. I'm sorry.

[Denisemomof4]

this is where I'd go, yes - you have made a choice. Deal with it. If you don't like it, change it.

 

:iagree:

[Kathryn]

 

Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle this? Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Tara

 

Yes.

 

I also agree with others about the phone number thing. Giving out your number is NOT a smart thing to do.

[Luanne]

... but this is typical public school behavior. I know she is 18 and in a lot of people's opinion an adult, but since she is still in your household and in high school she should have to abide by some kind of rules. I wish I had something to tell you to help this situation.

[Wildcat]

Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"Tara

 

Yes. And repeat if/when needed.

 

And some :grouphug: to you. I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel.

 

ETA: She needs to learn to politely decline to give out her number. Even if it's only to say "Sorry, I can't, I'm in a relationship". If she can't say 'no' to handing out a phone number, she may have a lot of trouble saying 'no' to other things later on. What she is doing can be dangerous.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Wildcat

[MariannNOVA]

Tara, you have good instincts. I think it's fine to say exactly as you suggest at the end of your post. There's no sense in replaying the same tired conversations over and over.

 

:grouphug:

 

this is where I'd go, yes - you have made a choice. Deal with it. If you don't like it, change it.

 

Yes. I would just bluntly, and not so politely tell her she can either change how she looks and acts, or she can shut up about it. You've tried to tell her, she doesn't want to listen, and you don't want to hear it anymore. :D

 

these.

[bettyandbob]

When I was that age I had a license, but no vehicle. I had saved money in my early teens and purchased a very good bike which got me until I was 21 and got a car. I had a very good lock too.

 

I rode everywhere. I suppose I could have figured out the bus system many of my friends did. I thought bus routes were complicated and preferred physical chemistry equations to the bus schedule.

 

Riding your bike keeps you in shape. Plus, if you are riding all the time and doing some distance you will dress appropriately for it. My attire for college classes did not draw the same attention daisy dukes and strappy sandals would.

 

At 18 she is an adult. She needs to figure out the message she is giving with her clothes. She has no vehicle or license so, she needs to figure out her options. If she really wants to do something, she could probably make it work.

[brendag]

Just a little fyi. :001_smile:

 

If you are in a city, I wouldn't advise her to put on headphones and close her eyes. When I lived in SF years ago, there were rapes happening around the campus area I was at. Police were telling women they need to be aware of their surroundings and not look like easy targets which included wearing headphones because then you couldn't hear someone approaching. It's sad that we have to worry about it.

 

Brenda

[Farrar]

Is the complaint the bus or the attention on the bus?

 

I would draw a line between the unwanted attention and the bus taking. I'd personally be harsh about the bus. It's the bus. Public transit is something we all must deal with sometimes. If she needs or wants to go places, then she's old enough to get herself there and this is her option. Either don't go or don't complain.

 

But the unwanted attention I would honestly listen to her gripe about... while her dress affects that, if she's a pretty 18 yo girl, then on some level, it will not matter how she dresses. I wouldn't want to send any message that she has to take that or is responsible for it. I know some on this board disagree and I do think there are ways to be smarter about how you dress, but as someone who was once a skinny, at least semi-cute 18 yo, who happened to wear baggy jeans and oversized flannel shirts (hey, it was grunge), some people are just going to give that attention no matter what. And there's only so much that you can do about it.

[bettyandbob]

at some point can she take a women's self defense class? I'm hope to get my teen dd in one soon. I'm going to look for one where they stuff like body language and basic safety (no ear buds) in addition to how to get away.

[eternalknot]

~thread jack ~

 

Nice to see you, eternalknot! :D

 

:seeya: Thanks, Caitilin! Summer is over, I can come out and play again!

 

/ thread jack

[Tap]

I would ask her what her motivation is on complaining about it. I would make her pick one of the three:

 

Is she just venting? If this is it, tell her you have heard her complaints and are done listening to this particular one. Hearing the same complaint 10X gets draining and makes you want to tune her out. Let her know that you will no longer be involved in conversations on this particular topic.

 

Is she wanting commiseration? Tell her you are sorry that the situation is what it is, and that since you can't fix it for her, you are done listening to this particular complaint. You lover her. You feel she has some valid points. You also see that she is stuck in a situation that isn't going to change.

 

Is she wanting advice? You have given her, the advice you have. If she doesn't think it will work, then she needs to stop asking for advice. I would let her know that if you think of anything, you will let her know.

 

I would then hand her a blank journal and let her know she can vent, complain and discuss it all, with herself, in her journal.

 

 

If she brings it up again, I would flat out tell her "you should journal about that"...and change the subject.

[cin]

The phone number thing would upset me. I would tell her to give out a fake number.

 

867-5309 :D

[StephanieZ]

I think your instincts are dead-on. She knows what needs to change if she wants the attention to change. She doesn't want it to change, and she enjoys the attention you are giving her about it. So, you are contributing to the problem continuing as well as driving yourself batty listening.

 

People often maintain ugly situations in their lives because they enjoy the attention the receive from OTHER people about it and/or they are simply not interested in solving the problem. (The mom who calls you over and over to whine about her badly behaved child/mother/spouse/inlaw/etc but refuses to implement any reasonable suggestions to solve the problem, etc.) I think it actually does a DISSERVICE to them to allow them to vent to you when they need to direct that energy to solving the problem, instead of disappating their pain by spreading it to YOU.

 

So, anyway, yes, I'd suggest coming up with a short-sweet response and repeating it verbatim when it comes up. Have a second tier respons that is even shorter, and repeat that ad-infinitem until she loses interest. Try to avoid using any emotion or even giving eye contact in your responses.

 

First mention, your reply could be, "That ugly attention sounds very unpleasant. If you don't want it to continue, you know what to do." (Or, maybe omit the second sentence, but I am a determined educator, lol)

 

Second mention and all further mentions (unless it is a request to go to her closet with her), "Pass the bean dip."

[Luanne]

have to earn the "adult" privelege of being treated like an adult. If they do not exhibit adult behavior (especially when they are still living at home, depending on you for material support, and haven't even finished school yet). It is a lot like trust and respect. People are not automatically due that especially if they do thinks that are untrustworthy or disrespectful. I'm not saying an 18 year old shouldn't be allowed to make some decisions, just not ALL decisions (especially if it is unsafe for them to do so). There is a reason people are not allowed to drink alcohol until they are 21. If 18 was the totally adult age, they wouldn't have changed the alcohol law to 21.

[Denisemomof4]

867-5309 :D

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Anne in CA]

That was my dd's problem with the bus here. Although my dd did not dress remotely like your dd, and was 30lb overweight, her busty figure is irresistible to certain men in our area and they would honk and call out to her when she waited at the bus stop. Yuck. Mostly I drove her after I witnessed this too many times. I do get that your dd is not helping the problem, and I wouldn't drive her for the simple reason that she is not taking your suggestions. But from my experience I doubt that taking your suggestions would fix the problem.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Anne in Ore

[bolt.]

If a person in my life was telling me about how less-than-fun it is to take the bus, I don't think I'd think much about it at all. Everyone knows public transit is under-stelar... some people like to talk about it. It's the same as people who want to mention it every time they get caught out in the rain. They got wet. It wasn't a nice feeling. They want to share.

 

So, if this was my live-at-home young adult high-schooler, I'd treat her like a regular person. "Hon, that sounds frustrating. I know you don't like riding the bus, and I understand that the bus ride is an unpleasant part of your day." -- at first. Then, to give her a cue, if she mentioned it again, I'd exactly repeat my first statement. That communicates, 'You're being repetitive, and I don't have a new answer when you are just saying the same thing again.' -- but it doesn't shut down communication by being too direct.

 

A third time bringing it up (on the same day) would lead me to say, "You seem to be having some very strong feelings about the bus today. I can tell because you are bringing it up again and again. Did something particularly awful happen today? Do you want to talk about it with me? Can I offer you a hug?" -- This is important, because it is a wide open door, just in case there really is a problem, like someone groping her, or stalking her, or threatening her, etc.

 

The above is important because the next thing to say is, "You know, I do feel badly that this part of your day is unpleasant for you, but I need you to know that listening to you talk about it nearly every day, and four times today isn't pleasant for me. Even though I like to help you work on problems, I don't like listening to complaints that never change. Can you see that from my perspective? Is there something else we can talk about that we might both enjoy?"

 

It's best to keep the whole conversation on solving the problem at hand (that she complains a lot) rather than on the background of the situation (that there are ways of having a less unpleasant bus ride). Trying to get into the background is a bunny trail that distracts the other person from the real issue that is actually bothering you. Stay focused until she hears you. Don't be afraid to do the same conversation day after day -- until she can predict it and her mind begins to filter: (1) Thinking about crummy bus ride. (2) Verbalize feelings about crummy bus ride? (3) Have I already verbalized these feelings today? (4) Do I need to share a particular event? (5) Am I going to get what I want by complaining? (6) Do I want to complain 4 times today and listen to her tell me again what she told me yesterday? (7) What did she tell me yesterday? (8) Talk about something we will both enjoy.

[katilac]

Having had much experience with public transportation, I can tell you that the way she dresses can pretty much be ignored in this discussion. Pretty young things are going to get attention and they need to learn how to handle it.

 

If she wants to chat, then she needs to grow a backbone and politely say no when asked for her phone number. Tell her that I said not wanting to be rude is quite a silly excuse, as it is far ruder to give the number and then refuse to answer. If you pay for her phone, give her a built-in excuse, "I can't give out my number. My mom checks my phone, and she will take it away if she sees unknown numbers."

 

I would disagree with this: classy guys don't approach young women on the street/bus. Sure they do! They don't harass them, but they certainly approach them, especially in an area where a large number of their peers ride public transport.

 

I would be mildly sympathetic in the "yep, life is hard" vein. Yep, taking the bus is no fun, but many do and you will survive. Is she complains about people approaching her, I would ask if she would like to brainstorm ideas on how to either deflect them or safely talk to them. Sometimes, being prepared with specific wording can make one much braver.

 

I agree with the poster who said she should NOT put on headphones and close her eyes. I wouldn't do that anywhere in public. A textbook is a much safer deterrent; even if you aren't reading it when approached, you always point to it and politely say you MUST study.

 

The biggest issue I would address is her claiming to talk to people or give them her number only to be polite. If that's true, it's not very smart; if it's not true, it's not very kind (to you, as the worried mom). Either way, it needs to be handled. I would probably insist on some role playing - she will either learn to deflect people or learn not to lie to her mom :lol:

 

If you're lucky, she is being being dramatic. Again, I wouldn't mind giving her a bit of sympathy, but if you quit engaging with her about her clothes, and insist on practicing better responses when you hear these stories, she might calm down quite a bit.

[marbel]

867-5309 :D

 

Thanks. Thanks so much. I'll have that looping through my brain for days...

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Acorn]

:iagree:

I guess I don't really know that she would get less attention if she dressed differently.

 

I walked home from High School through an urban, commercial area. I got honks and cat calls everyday in spite of my baggy jeans and sweatshirts.

 

My 18 year old dresses even more conservatively than I did. She still gets unwanted male attention.

 

If she doesn't want to ride the bus, does she have a plan for getting a drivers license?

 

:iagree:

 

I doubt that clothes make a difference. I was frequently honked at by truckers at that age, hasn't happened in the last decade.

[kalanamak]

 

Honestly, I suspect that she secretly enjoys the attention she gets.

 

I'm tired of hearing her gripe about the bus.

 

I'm rather blunt with kids of this age, and I'd say that actions speak louder than words, and her actions are not one of complaint about the attention. Then I would tell her I was no longer interested in hearing these complaints, but if she wanted advice on a new style of dress, I'd be as helpful as I and my wallet could be.

 

I'm so glad I'm not a teen anymore. I was 120 lbs with a lot upstairs and strawberry blonde hair. I hated the attention and around that age literally shaved my head. It helped a lot. I grew it out when I was 21 and grew some fangs.

[bzymom]

Have to agree with the PP. Asked and answered.

 

And the bus? Nobody loves it. If they did, people would be lining up overnight for an opportunity to win a seat. But it gets us where we need to go.

[katilac]

That was my dd's problem with the bus here. Although my dd did not dress remotely like your dd, and was 30lb overweight, her busty figure is irresistible to men of a certain ethnicity in our area and they would honk and call out to her when she waited at the bus stop. Yuck. Can I just say that what happens in your country should stay in your country? Mostly I drove her after I witnessed this too many times. I do get that your dd is not helping the problem, and I wouldn't drive her for the simple reason that she is not taking your suggestions. But from my experience I doubt that taking your suggestions would fix the problem.

 

I think you could have shared the relevant parts of this story (dd getting unwanted attention even tho' not dressed provocatively) without making generalizations about an entire ethnicity. I can be as annoyed as the next person when someone doesn't adhere to cultural norms in public, but this detail is irrelevant to the main points of this discussion, and not very polite to board members of a certain ethnicity.

[Anne in CA]

Sorry Katilac, I was rude. I still get my Mamma Bear claws out when I remember it though. But yes, ALL the whistles and cat calls were from one ethnicity.

[Haiku]

Thanks, everyone, for all the responses!

 

 

If she doesn't want to ride the bus, does she have a plan for getting a drivers license?

 

Not really. She doesn't currently have a drivers license because at 16 we felt she was not at all ready for the responsibility; at 17 she didn't want one because the idea of driving scared her; at 18 she's free to get her license but knows that we don't have an extra car for her and doesn't want to have to help with insurance. She would actually have to ride the bus to school even if she had a license. We only have two cars, and dh and I each need one during the day.

 

Nothing you can do about any of it, Tara, except maybe pull out the old "you live in my house, you live by my rules" deal. My kids aren't old enough for me to know if that actually works.

 

It has worked reasonably well with this child. We have had several discussions about the good life here at home, where everything is free, versus paying for it all yourself, and the trade-offs you make to continue to live the good life and get everything for free. (Not EVERYthing, but all the living expenses, iykwim.)

 

since she is still in your household and in high school she should have to abide by some kind of rules.

 

Yes, she definitely has rules she has to abide by. We have told her, as I mentioned above, that if she wants the privilege of living for free she has to take the responsibility of following the rules. I don't generally harp on her about what she wears, but we do have some standards because her little sister and brother are watching.

 

If you are in a city, I wouldn't advise her to put on headphones and close her eyes.

 

I was thinking of this for the bus. If she's got in earbuds and people can't make eye contact, they'll be less likely to talk to her, and she can more easily ignore them if they do. I also suggested dark sunglasses. I even suggested putting in earbuds without actually listening to music, just for the illusion.

 

Is the complaint the bus or the attention on the bus?

 

Both. Taking the bus is inconvenient because it takes longer to get there than it would if I drove her. She once wanted me to drive her across town for a class she needed that would last an hour. When I declined, she moaned about how it would take her 40 minutes on the bus to get there. I said, "That's terrible, but it would take me 40 minutes to drive you there and come home, and another 40 minutes to pick you up and bring you back. Why are your 40 minutes more valuable than mine?"

 

But it's also the male attention.

 

I wouldn't want to send any message that she has to take that or is responsible for it.

 

I certainly don't think she has to take it, but I do believe she bears some responsibility for it. From my own experience with a sister who was in the same grade as me (not a twin) who always dressed fashionably and did her hair and make-up and then me, who rarely cared about what I wore and had a short (yet attractive) haircut, I do think that how you dress and how you act affects how/whether people approach you. I do think my dd could do things to divert some of the attention. I'm not talking about passing catcalls. I'm talking about men who approach her and strike up conversations and press her for dates/phone numbers/what-have-you. If you look interested, people assume you are. If you act interested and engage with them, people assume you are interested. As my dh put it when he and I (sans dd) were discussing it, "If you have nothing to sell, don't place an ad."

 

at some point can she take a women's self defense class?

 

My dad is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and travels the country giving women's self defense classes. My dd has had several classes. She has also learned (from my dad) pentjak silat, Philippine stick fighting.

 

I would disagree with this: classy guys don't approach young women on the street/bus. Sure they do! They don't harass them, but they certainly approach them, especially in an area where a large number of their peers ride public transport.

 

I don't think classy guys approach young women in the way that these men do. And classy guys know that if a girl says, "I'm 17/still in high school/dating someone else," they need to lay off. Let's just say that these are not classy men who are approaching my dd.

 

I think you could have shared the relevant parts of this story (dd getting unwanted attention even tho' not dressed provocatively) without making generalizations about an entire ethnicity. I can be as annoyed as the next person when someone doesn't adhere to cultural norms in public, but this detail is irrelevant to the main points of this discussion, and not very polite to board members of a certain ethnicity.

 

I think the way men relate to attractive women they don't know is a lot different in different cultures. I'm going to be very blunt here: my dd is black, and almost universally so are the guys who harass her. I'm not saying that all black guys are inappropriate with women, but I do think there that there is an element in just about every racial/cultural community of people who are just kinda low-class and gross about women. I work with some white guys who are the same way. At the risk of sounding racist, classist, and every other -ist there is, my experience is that the people who act this way are more likely to be less educated and less wealthy. I AM NOT SAYING that less educated, less wealthy people as whole act this way, just that the people who act this way tend to be ... if that makes sense. I have had to become a lot less squicked out by discussing race and class issues than I used to be because my black, middle-class child notices a lot of differences between the kids she goes to school with versus the kids she plays soccer with versus the kids she did her summer internship with versus the kids she goes to camp with ... and the same with the adults in the various areas of her life. I'm a lot more plain-spoken about such matters now, which is why I didn't hesitate to tell my daughter that a guy/man who walks up to a strange (young) woman on the street and asks her out, calls her baby (or worse), presses her for her phone number, tries to touch her, and is not put off by the fact that she is young/still in high school/dating someone else, etc., is not a classy guy ... no matter his race or culture.

 

I work in a beer and liquor store. I see more than my share of unclassy guys. They are from all races and cultures.

 

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. Food for thought.

 

Tara

Edited September 7, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[Marylou]

How do you know she doesn't answer the calls and texts?

[Haiku]

How do you know she doesn't answer the calls and texts?

 

I don't, anymore, because now that she's 18 I don't check her phone anymore. But we used to randomly check her phone, and I would see incoming calls and messages that did not have a name attached to them that would go unanswered. It's not like she's giving out her phone number to 10 guys a week. It's been a handful of times that she's told me about over a few years. It's always, "I didn't think he would really call me, but he did. Now what?"

 

Tara

[Laurie4b]

Honestly, I suspect that she secretly enjoys the attention she gets.

 

Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

[Jenny in Florida]

Having had much experience with public transportation, I can tell you that the way she dresses can pretty much be ignored in this discussion. Pretty young things are going to get attention and they need to learn how to handle it.

 

A friend of mine posted this link on Facebook earlier, and I thought of it while reading this thread:

 

http://unwinona.tumblr.com/post/30861660109/i-debated-whether-or-not-to-share-this-story

[amy g.]

I agree with everyone about keeping the conversations very solution oriented.

 

I understand what you are saying about her clothes attracting even more attention, but truly, I would never say that out loud to her.

 

My teen age girls go to an EXTREME to not focus on how they look. They buy their clothes from the men's department to ensure that they are not fitted.

 

We still have issues.

 

A friend called yesterday, because she witnessed a guy coming on to my oldest. My friend chased him off, and tried to warn Dd. She said, "Honey, that guy was hitting on you." Dd says "What is that?" she said "He was trying to pick you up." Dd said, "What does that mean?"

 

My point is just that I doubt there is a girl on the planet LESS interested in how she looks or male attention and she can still not go about her life without being harassed.

 

If your daughter ever ends up, God forbid, being victimized, I would not want her reliving past conversations about her clothes and blaming herself.

 

As far as the complaining, it is not your job to solve her transportation problems. It is not your responsibility to have an extra car for her.

 

She is free to get her license, she is free to save up for a car.

 

I'd answer each complaint with "I hear you, what is the plan to change this?"

 

I think when adult children live at home, we need to bend over backwards to treat them respectfully and like adults. On the other hand, she may need your help in thinking through the steps of how to change her transportation situation.

 

Good luck. It's not an easy stage, is it?

Edited September 7, 2012 by amy g.
There is supposed to be a "not" up there, but I can't add it from my phone.

[LibraryLover]

Our older kids didn't get to drive until late teens years. My oldest dd was 19, and my youngest son was 18. We don't have much of a public transportation system here, so I used to drive the kids everywhere, all the time. (Unless it was somewhere close; they do a lot of bike riding.)

 

It wasn't their fault not driving. We discouraged it, due to high insurance rates. We didn't want to pay, and we wanted any of their work money to go into their bank accounts. However, it was a great day when they could drive themselves.

 

I remember getting hit on as a teen frequently-- at work. Our uniforms were ugly, ugly. Shapelss in awful colors. Didn't stop unsavory characters from making comments. Of course, I never gave out my number. That would concern me greatly.

Edited September 8, 2012 by LibraryLover

[ocelotmom]

Does anyone have any advice for me on how to handle this? Should I just say, "Honey, you refuse to do anything about this problem, so I can't help you and I don't want to discuss it any more?"

 

Yes.

 

This thread makes me realize that 867-5309 is a local number for me :lol:

Edited September 7, 2012 by ocelotmom

[AmyontheFarm]

The phone number thing would upset me. I would tell her to give out a fake number.

 

 

Find out the local phone number for the non-emergency police reporting center. Have her hand out that number.

[FriedClams]

Could you give her a ride a couple days a week? Compromise? Yes it's her issue but a bridge wouldn't hurt IMHO.

[Lisbeth]

This sounds so outside of my realm of experience that I can barely compute. Barely adult high school daughters of mine on public transport/ giving out ph # to strange men while wearing revealing clothes? Ok, I don't have one that old but, um, what?! I really feel like al this has potential disaster written all over it. :(

[Catwoman]

867-5309 :D

 

She can't give them that number. That's Jenny's number. ;)