up against a wall-ideas?

[dietmom]

My dd is 8 just starting at a new school in 3rd grade. She has never received a formal diagnosis--but her dad has ADHD--and there is no doubt in my mind that she has it too. The teacher has already called me in for a conference--based on her inability to focus and finish tasks. She has always gotten decent grades--A's/B's, but has always brought most of her work home. She works slow at home-but she does get it done. Well--teacher really thinks we need to get her help-or they are planning to move her back to 2nd grade-she started school 1 week prior to the deadline-so they say she's technically too young for her grade. To me-sending her back to a grade she has mastered will only make the problem worse. But by "getting help" meaning most likely to medicate-we're just not willing to do that right now!

DH says I should talk to a couple other schools and ask what they would do with her-so when I talk to the principle next week I have some bargaining ability. Bargaining is not my forte-even though I want to do what's best for DD I'm not amazing at confronting in these types of situations--any ideas-i really feel backed up against a wall!

[wapiti]

I would get a neuropsych eval to rule out additional issues before agreeing to an ADHD diagnosis. There are too many other possible issues that could be at work, instead of or in addition to ADHD. At a minimum, it sounds like your dd may be bright with slow processing speed, though that does not necessarily point to ADHD by any means. Have you looked at the diagnostic criteria? Is she as distracted at home as she is at school? The fact that she does ultimately get the work done at home made me wonder.

 

I think you need much more information before making any decisions. A neuropsych eval would also include specific recommendations to the school. I'd look for a tester who is experienced with twice-exceptional kids.

 

I think you're correct that moving her back a grade makes no sense and could exacerbate distraction.

 

Can We Do an ADHD Resources Thread?

[Lecka]

I think the teacher might just want to think you are doing something. It wouldn't imply to me that the teacher wants it to be medication. I think they just don't want you to be in denial.

 

Here they couldn't move her back against your will. After the K/1st grade time, it is "successful completion of the previous grade," not age. B/c kids do move from districts with different cut-offs.... they are not all free to be held back. I think that is ridiculous.

 

If you thought it would help her that would be a different story -- I wouldn't fault a teacher for mentioning it -- some parents would be interested and it could be reasonable for some situations.

 

I would also go forward with an evaluation. An evaluation doesn't mean you have to do medication. There might be non-medication alternatives. She might not even have ADHD!

 

I think overall the school can just want you to be seen to be doing something and not being in denial. I think sometimes they mention the holding-back thing so you can take it seriously.

 

This was done to me, and it made me very angry at the time, and I still have negative feelings toward that teacher...... but my son did get help as a result, and it did influence me to get more proactice in helping him. So, I have to say, that it did help my son over all. I have to say I would rather have dealt with that than have heard "everything is fine" while my son was struggling without me really realizing it. (Specifically a teacher recommended we have our son repeat K and then said he would probably get held back in 1st grade if he didn't repeat K..... she was right that he needed help and I am glad he has gotten it now, but I could do without the "threat." She basically knew he needed help but she didn't know how to help him, she just knew that at the rate he was going he would not succeed in 1st grade. But I was able to get him help so it worked out.)

Edited September 6, 2012 by Lecka

[MomatHWTK]

At some point we as parents have to put aside what we want or want to do and honestly ask if we are doing right by our children. Sometimes answering that question takes a neutral third party evaulation. We really assumed that by homeschooling we didn't need to seek out additional information for our first born. But in hindsight, I can see that having had more information would have helped me tailor his education to his needs-as we are now (finally) doing.

[Lecka]

I will also say, it is hard when the child's issues are the same as the husband's were when he was a child, and as a child maybe he didn't have the best situation.

 

That is my situation also.

 

It was very hard for my husband. His parents were the type to switch him to this and that and blame the school for everything (they were in heavy denial imo.... and my fil had the same issues also back when he was a child). I think my fil had a really miserable school experience back in the day.

 

I have had to step up more than I thought I would (my husband is the head of the family). But it can be done.

 

That is maybe way off the mark, but that was part of what was going on with us.

 

I would say not to underestimate how hard this is for your husband and not to be afraid. If there is a lot of fear and denial it does not help.

 

My fil literally apologized to me upon hearing that my son was having some issues he was having (his are along the lines of speech/dyslexia) and said it was his fault. He did not have any hope, only fear, that things would go poorly for him. That the secret would be out, there are speech/dyslexia issues in the family, like it is a shameful thing. But actually there are better options now than there were for my fil. In good news they are huge supporters of my son and recognize all his hard work and progress.

 

edit: I have not gotten far with it at all, but I have had wrightslaw recommended to me for advocacy information, and they have a book about parent advocacy at my library. It is written by a couple, their last name is Wright.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Lecka

[dietmom]

Thanks for your support-I've been reading a lot-and hoping that when I meet with principal and teacher this week I will have some better solutions. Certainly I don't want them to struggle with her and have a difficult year-Heck-I'd be willing to come into the classroom 1/2 days-or even pull her out 1/2 days if I thought it would help and she didn't have to be moved back. I just don't think if she got a's and b's in 2nd grade that that is the answer. Thanks for the advice of seeking out a neuropsych eval. That could be helpful-I read a book last night that said there are many medical possibilities as to why a child has trouble-allergies being one of them-and I have noticed that her allergies are awful right now-but I've always treated with OTC drugs and never fully evaluated her for that.