BakersDozen Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Not sure who is up right now to read this but any good thoughts would be appreciated. I won't be online tomorrow as I know I'll be too emotional. A year ago tonight I was at this same computer ordering last minute books, reviewing our first day back at school, proud of myself for waiting until September to start school (big mistake, I was to soon find out), and fretting as usual over where my babies would be born. I stayed up late and went to bed too tired to shower (big mistake) or take the belly shot I'd put off taking (big mistake). Tomorrow, I thought...I'll do those things tomorrow. Tomorrow found me at the hospital, in a helicopter, at another hospital, being rushed to the E.R., experiencing my first c/s, and seeing babies tinier than anything I could imagine. This last year was horrible. Dreadfully, painfully, horrible. I have had the most negative attitude and have wallowed in self-pity and anger. I hate how I reacted to everything from 2:15am on Sept. 6th until yesterday. I am filled with emotions so ugly it is embarrassing. But today was different. Something was different and I'm not sure why but today I realized that I gained more than I missed out on. Tonight I listened outside my older dc's Quiz room as prayer requests were shared and I realized that last year they were here alone, crying from fear, sharing that their mom was in Phoenix and their new brother and sister were in the NICU. That brother and sister were crawling all over me and poking at my eyes and ears tonight. :D I know God has forgiven me for not talking to Him during the entire ordeal or for a long time afterward. I hope my family can forgive me for reacting as I did. I pray I can forgive myself (the hardest of all). Tomorrow my babies will be a year old. I remember hardly anything from this last year not just because it was busy but because I had shut down and couldn't turn back "on" no matter what I did. But today I held my babies as much as I possibly could. I cuddled one to sleep, I was a jungle gym to the cutest little climbers. I watched them move and smile and get into things. Today was great. And tomorrow will be great as we celebrate lives protected. Love all of you ladies who helped me through and who rejoiced with me even when I couldn't rejoice myself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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