BakersDozen Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Not sure who is up right now to read this but any good thoughts would be appreciated. I won't be online tomorrow as I know I'll be too emotional. A year ago tonight I was at this same computer ordering last minute books, reviewing our first day back at school, proud of myself for waiting until September to start school (big mistake, I was to soon find out), and fretting as usual over where my babies would be born. I stayed up late and went to bed too tired to shower (big mistake) or take the belly shot I'd put off taking (big mistake). Tomorrow, I thought...I'll do those things tomorrow. Tomorrow found me at the hospital, in a helicopter, at another hospital, being rushed to the E.R., experiencing my first c/s, and seeing babies tinier than anything I could imagine. This last year was horrible. Dreadfully, painfully, horrible. I have had the most negative attitude and have wallowed in self-pity and anger. I hate how I reacted to everything from 2:15am on Sept. 6th until yesterday. I am filled with emotions so ugly it is embarrassing. But today was different. Something was different and I'm not sure why but today I realized that I gained more than I missed out on. Tonight I listened outside my older dc's Quiz room as prayer requests were shared and I realized that last year they were here alone, crying from fear, sharing that their mom was in Phoenix and their new brother and sister were in the NICU. That brother and sister were crawling all over me and poking at my eyes and ears tonight. :D I know God has forgiven me for not talking to Him during the entire ordeal or for a long time afterward. I hope my family can forgive me for reacting as I did. I pray I can forgive myself (the hardest of all). Tomorrow my babies will be a year old. I remember hardly anything from this last year not just because it was busy but because I had shut down and couldn't turn back "on" no matter what I did. But today I held my babies as much as I possibly could. I cuddled one to sleep, I was a jungle gym to the cutest little climbers. I watched them move and smile and get into things. Today was great. And tomorrow will be great as we celebrate lives protected. Love all of you ladies who helped me through and who rejoiced with me even when I couldn't rejoice myself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug: No words, just :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlbuchina Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nertsmommy Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Have you gotten any counselling for PTSD? Because that's what it sounds like to me - you got whisked away, went through a very scary procedure, probably was terrified your babies would die, and blamed yourself - pretty darn traumatic! I wonder if a counselling session or two, either with a secular counselor or with an appropriately-trained religious one, might really help you continue to make forward progress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and agreeing with Jennifer's suggestions to explore counselling for PTSD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and agreeing with Jennifer's suggestions to explore counselling for PTSD. I was also thinking about PTSD. :grouphug::grouphug: Glad to hear your babies are happy and healthy now! God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: and agree with the help a trained counselor can give. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoo Keeper Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: hugs for the little ones (who are not so little! Praise God!) and hugs for you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canadianmumof5 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CupOCoffee Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: That was beautiful and brought tears to my eyes! I cannot even begin to imagine what you went through. But I am glad that you could post the way you did last night: that *last night* was different! I hope this is the beginning of a turn around in your sadness, and whether you seek counseling or not, that still was a beautiful post. Happy Birthday Miracle Babies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soonermomma Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 I went through a really crazy delivery with premature twins also. (although no helicopter ride!) Mine will be 4 in December and I have been super emotional every year on their birthday and even the days surrounding. It's like the feelings and emotions from that time just come flooding back. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can possibly understand the myriad of emotions we went/go through. The NICU is a scary place, especially when your children are in it. Don't feel bad about how your reacted, everyone handles things differently. Nobody can judge you, because they have not been through what you went through. Having twins is an experience in itself without all the other craziness you had to go through. I hope that the next year will be better for you. It is truly a blessing to be a mommy of twins. It has been amazing to watch them grow and experience life together. They are not only each others brother and sister, but they are each others best friend. Happy Birthday to your sweet babies! I hope you all enjoy their special day! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Hugs for each of them, hugs for you. I suspect you were forgiven for everything long ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Happy Birthday to those climbers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Have you gotten any counselling for PTSD? Because that's what it sounds like to me - you got whisked away, went through a very scary procedure, probably was terrified your babies would die, and blamed yourself - pretty darn traumatic! I wonder if a counselling session or two, either with a secular counselor or with an appropriately-trained religious one, might really help you continue to make forward progress. :iagree: You sound like you are being very hard on yourself. It was a difficult and tragic situation, which you have survived. You may want to look into counseling. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 It is wonderful you have come so far and can enjoy your precious blessings. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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