What would you do if you had an adult friend that undermined your parental authority?

[Jen in NY]

What would you do if you had an adult friend that undermined your parental authority with your kids?

 

I just sent my dd to spend a couple of days with family friends... another hs family we know. Without revealing too many details... this family is wonderful, friendly, extremely generous... and they are wealthy. They own a few properties and split their time between them, so my dd is at one of their "alternate" dwellings. Summer home? Dunno. The concept is so completely foreign to me that I don't even know what to name it. Anyway, they travel a lot, so their kids don't do too many things that require them to be in any one place at a regular time... like competition sports or dance. they don't like to be tied down in any way. And lucky for them, they can afford to live that way. But my dd is in things like this. This is a huge sacrifice for us. We don't have huge retirement savings... we have almost no college savings, and I feel that the best gifts I can give my kids at this point in their lives are skills and discipline. I certainly don't have moolah to leave them or any property for them to sell, so they are going to have to survive by hook or by crook through the fruits of their own efforts.

 

Anyway, my daughter (by her own choice) is highly scheduled this summer. She is working as a mother's helper, she is taking three dance classes, she is teaching piano lessons, and she is taking piano lessons ... she chose to do all of this by her own accord. I certainly didn't force her to - I would have been happy to sit by the pool all summer with nowhere to go :001_smile:. We did manage to carve out a couple of days for her to go with this other family... and I need to pick her up today. So when I called on the phone to make arrangements to get her, I suggested a certain time to leave, and the mom... in front of my daughter... starts basically tearing me up. "Oh, Jen... can't she stay longer?? She's going to think that any time she takes a little risk she gets punished for it (huh?). You've got to let her enjoy herself... " I can't even remember half the things she said. I felt like I was being kicked in the gut. Then she turns to my dd and says "Do you mind if your mom comes at noon?" and to me says "Dd says it's OK to come and pick her up at noon as long as you don't leave right away."

 

Am I completely overreacting to be upset by this? Seriously, If I am I want to hear it. But I would never have the nerve to argue with a teenager's mother about how she is parenting.... in front of the kid!! ARG!

 

Talk me down so i don't go down there and make a scene when they make a scene about me picking her up... please!?!

[Soph the vet]

Count to ten many times over on your way there!

I would be a little put off by her talking this way in front of your dd but I would only address it with just you and her alone. Maybe take the "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but this is how I perceived it" route. Just so your friend doesn't make a habit of talking this way in front of your dd. Then I would just calmly have a conversation (later) with dd about fun and responsibilities and how one should precede the other, yada, yada, yada. Whatever you do, don't blow up!:D

[Trivium Academy]

Honestly? I would have talked directly to my dd on the phone but since that didn't happen...you go and pick her up. I would walk in, smile and ask dd if she's ready to go. If yes, thank the hostess for her hospitality and leave. Nothing else at this point b/c you're still upset.

 

If she's not ready to go, I would assist her in getting ready. I'm not joking, keep yourself busy so as not to say anything you may regret later b/c you're upset now.

 

In the scheme of things, what she said doesn't matter. Your life is different than theirs, and since your dd CHOSE to have her time spent the way it is, there is no "punishment". If she says something when you pick up your dd, I would pull her to the side and tell her, "While I value your friendship and appreciate your hospitality, our family's decisions about how we spend our time and parent our children are our business. I'd appreciate to be shown the same respect I show you in these regards."

 

I'd have to play it safe and keep my trap shut for the time being b/c I'd still be too upset to be calm.

[JFSinIL]

Sounds more like they just want her to be able to stay longer than any real attempt at undermining your parenting skills. But if your dd has scheduled stuff to do - esp. giving lessons to others or babysitting - she has to leave on time.

 

What the other parent's wealth has to do with it baffles me. Sounds like my brother, who married very well ;)

[Rebecca in VA]

that (1) the other mom is caught up in the spirit of fun that they're having, and she's just saying the first foolish things that come into her head. It's unlikely that she means to be seriously chiding you. On the other hand, (2) possibly she sees areas that your family needs remediation in (at least in her opinion) and in her blundering way wants to help you and your daughter. I think most of us "see" things in other people's parenting that the parents themselves don't see. You might want to ask her gently if she really thinks you deprive your daughter of good times.

 

It doesn't sound as though she's being malicious, so please don't overreact.

[LauraGB]

Can you call the mom and tell you will be there at (insert your original time) to pick dd up. You had a few moments to "think" about it and dd scheduled responsibilities for herself and she will certainly follow through. Smile from your end of the phone, and be done. If she balks at you picking her up, I would simply say something to the affect of "I'm glad you like spending time w/my dd, but I will be there at (insert original time). Thanks!" Be firm, repeat that you will be there at such&such time as many times as you need to - unless she's as dull as a brick, she will get that YOU are the one in charge of your dd. No scene, just you exercising your parental obligation and rights.

[Remudamom]

All the above. And see what your dd has to say. She could have been in the background thinking "No, I have to get home, I've got responsibilities."

[Jen in NY]

JFS...

I only mentioned that because the other mom seems to feel like the scheduled things we do are "work" for our kids... she has mentioned something to that effect before... while I view them as the "extras" that we can afford to give them. We can't afford four houses, vacations around the world - you name it. But we can give our kids piano lessons... in our case it's what we choose to do with our small disposable income. I think it's just a different take on it... i see it as the gift I can give to my dc, she sees it as "punishment."

 

I'm trying to not be jealous, really I am.

[kalanamak]

What would you do if you had an adult friend that undermined your parental authority with your kids?

 

I just sent my dd to spend a couple of days with family friends... another hs family we know. Without revealing too many details... this family is wonderful, friendly, extremely generous..?!

 

Maybe this is part of her being wonderful, friendly, and extremely generous. Unless the tone was hostile, I'd look on the sunny side on this and NOT bring baggage along to the pick-up, NOR rake this over the coals with your daughter. IMO.

HTH

[JFSinIL]

Just imagine how messed up her spolied, non-working kids will be as adults next to your kid ;) - that can help, too. Your dd sounds like a responsible, hard-working, dedicated young adult!

[Jen in NY]

LOL... I am sure our family *does* need remediation in many ways!

 

But thanks... I'm sure you're right. I've resolved to put on my biggest smile and forget that the conversation ever happened.

 

"Time to go! Thanks ever so much for having her!" :001_smile::001_smile::001_smile:

[ticklbee]

Oh Jen, hang in there. My sympathies are with you. I have a friend who's family is very well off. They own vacation homes in FL, a million dollar home here in Brooklyn - they take vacations, do all sorts of extra curricula things. Stuff we can't ever afford to do. So, I totally understand what your saying. My friend has never acted the way yours has though.

 

Maybe a private conversation with her is in order. Maybe along the lines of "I'm a bit confused by what you meant on the phone when you said...." And then give her a chance to clarify. This may just be a misunderstanding on both parts that can be easily cleared up.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

We get this quite often from my mil. However, it does not cause us to waiver.

 

Handling it can be tricky, depending on the relationship with the person who is doing the heckling.

 

You could laugh it off and say "Hey, I enjoy being a slavedriver!" or "I simply can't help it. Seeing my daughter suffer is one of my favorite hobbies."

 

I would then talk it over with my daughter later and mention that I am glad that she gets to have such an opportunity to spend time w/ friends and have great fun. I'd ask her if she has any thoughts along these lines. I would also give her either compliments or encouragements regarding balancing fun and responsibility. Praises and hugs to her for doing what is necessary to maintain her committments (sp?).

 

Maybe the two of you could go out for tea and chat (your daughter, that is).

 

If the friend continue to heckle, I would try to put out the fire there by ignoring it and changing the subject OR mentioning my frustration over an inappropriate expression of their opinion on my parenting. I think this can be done in a reasonable, yet firm manner. If she were offended, I'd definitely question the value of her friendship.

 

Blessings,

 

Camy

[beansprouts]

Just imagine how messed up her spolied, non-working kids will be as adults next to your kid ;)

 

(politicians?)

[WTMindy]

What would you do if you had an adult friend that undermined your parental authority with your kids?

 

I just sent my dd to spend a couple of days with family friends... another hs family we know. Without revealing too many details... this family is wonderful, friendly, extremely generous... and they are wealthy. They own a few properties and split their time between them, so my dd is at one of their "alternate" dwellings. Summer home? Dunno. The concept is so completely foreign to me that I don't even know what to name it. Anyway, they travel a lot, so their kids don't do too many things that require them to be in any one place at a regular time... like competition sports or dance. they don't like to be tied down in any way. And lucky for them, they can afford to live that way. But my dd is in things like this. This is a huge sacrifice for us. We don't have huge retirement savings... we have almost no college savings, and I feel that the best gifts I can give my kids at this point in their lives are skills and discipline. I certainly don't have moolah to leave them or any property for them to sell, so they are going to have to survive by hook or by crook through the fruits of their own efforts.

 

Anyway, my daughter (by her own choice) is highly sceduled this summer. She is working as a mother's helper, she is taking three dance classes, she is teaching piano lessons, and she is taking piano lessons ... she chose to do all of this by her own accord. I certainly didn't force her to - I would have been happy to sit by the pool all summer with nowhere to go :001_smile:. We did manage to carve out a couple of days for her to go with this other family... and I need to pick her up today. So when I called on the phone to make arrangements to get her, I suggested a certain time to leave, and the mom... in front of my daughter... starts basically tearing me up. "Oh, Jen... can't she stay longer?? She's going to think that any time she takes a little risk she gets punished for it (huh?). You've got to let her enjoy herself... " I can't even remember half the things she said. I felt like I was being kicked in the gut. Then she turns to my dd and says "Do you mind if your mom comes at noon?" and to me says "Dd says it's OK to come and pick her up at noon as long as you don't leave right away."

 

Am I completely overreacting to be upset by this? Seriously, If I am I want to hear it. But I would never have the nerve to argue with a teenager's mother about how she is parenting.... in front of the kid!! ARG!

 

Talk me down so i don't go down there and make a scene when they make a scene about me picking her up... please!?!

 

I would just calmly say, "Oh, that would be great if she could stay. I know it would be fun, but she made a few commitments this summer and needs to get back home. Thanks so much for having her. I sure wish she could stay longer, blah, blah." And then remind your dd when you pick her up that it is important to follow through with the things you say you will do, even when more fun things come up, yada, yada.

[Jen in NY]

Camy, you are so wise.

 

Humor is usually the last trick I think of to pull out of the hat. It's just not my way. But ninety percent of the 0time it should probably be first. I'm definitely going to give it a try if I need it this afternoon!

 

And this!

"I would then talk it over with my daughter later and mention that I am glad that she gets to have such an opportunity to spend time w/ friends and have great fun. I'd ask her if she has any thoughts along these lines. I would also give her either compliments or encouragements regarding balancing fun and responsibility. Praises and hugs to her for doing what is necessary to maintain her committments."

 

Will you come be my mom?

[summer]

Most of what you said would not bother me..until she worded it in such a way as if you are a mean mom for wanting to pick your own daughter up!! That would floor me!!

 

I would pick her up, make excuse of something she has to get to right away, thank them for her visit and then leave. Don't send her back..be forever busy.

[Jackie in AR]

So when I called on the phone to make arrangements to get her, I suggested a certain time to leave, and the mom... in front of my daughter... starts basically tearing me up. "Oh, Jen... can't she stay longer?? She's going to think that any time she takes a little risk she gets punished for it (huh?). You've got to let her enjoy herself... " I can't even remember half the things she said. I felt like I was being kicked in the gut. Then she turns to my dd and says "Do you mind if your mom comes at noon?" and to me says "Dd says it's OK to come and pick her up at noon as long as you don't leave right away."

 

Honestly? I would have probably started laughing right there on the phone.

 

And then said in a teasing way, "Gosh, thanks so much for your permission for me to come and get my dd! I'll be there at such-and-such time, and I'm afraid that we will have to leave right away."

 

And then hope that surely she would have seen that she was waaaaaay overstepping her boundaries by the time that you arrived.

 

If not, so be it. You get dd, you leave. I wouldn't feel the need to explain myself to her as to why you are coming to pick up your child at the time you have chosen.