Feeling blue and i don't know why

[Halcyon]

I don't know what's going on. I suppose this happens to many of us:feeling as though we are failing our children, feeling vaguely unsatisfied, like something is amiss. Like i am doing something wrong.

 

My kids are okay. Younger is having anxiety. He is a sensitive child, and i am tring to help him, bt right now i am not feeli g great myself, so i am sure i say the wrong thing. I feel like i am not doing something right. Are we doing too much school?

 

hunter's thread mentionng codependency struck a chord; i dont think i am codependent. I love my alone time....But according to the wikipedia definition, i am certainly in need of acceptance, feel badly if i take too much time for myself (but i do work out, read and go to yoga once a week, amd work 10 hours outside the home) orif i am not servicing others...i can be somewhat of a martyr. I push myself and others too hard, i think, and have too-high standards. I often feel judged by those around me....and feel defensive (i rarely say anything, but i feel it) I don't think I have the ability to recognize, intuitively, what is "right" for me and my family, and often feel e need to "prove" myself, not to others, but to myself. Like i am not good enough.

 

This isnt good for me or my family. Older i think needs more freedom. When i give it ifeel i am being too lax, or not helping him reach his potential.

 

I dont know. I just feel down on myself right now. Something is wrong, but i cant put my finger on it. I want to just do a little math tomorrow, listen to an audio book, let ds read the 2nd book in the Hunger Games and let younger play Labyrinth. But i would never do that.

 

Please do not quote this as i will probably delete it. I just needed to get this out.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Halcyon

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug:

[jennynd]

:grouphug:

Sometimes, I think be a bit selfish is healthy.

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

Sounds like you are just feeling more human tonight. We cannot do everything right. We cannot predict what outcome each move make will produce.

We just have to step up and take that leap every stink'n day.

 

Ease up on yourself.

Look at what you are doing right.

You WILL find it.

[Halcyon]

Sounds like you are just feeling more human tonight. We cannot do everything right. We cannot predict what outcome each move make will produce.

We just have to step up and take that leap every stink'n day.

 

Ease up on yourself.

Look at what you are doing right.

You WILL find it.

 

This is what i need to figure out. What am I doing right?

[Plucky]

:grouphug:Maybe it is like the Christmas depression some get? You just finished some huge projects, fixed up the school room, planned your schooling, and of course insert kids and things aren't nearly as exciting as you though they'd be.

[jennynd]

This is what i need to figure out. What am I doing right?

 

From all ur posts, u did everything right

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:Maybe it is like the Christmas depression some get? You just finished some huge projects, fixed up the school room, planned your schooling, and of course insert kids and things aren't nearly as exciting as you though they'd be.

 

Lol. Maybe. I just want school to be wonderful, exciting, as much of the time as possible. I dont want to nag my older to stop doodling or insist younger finish his writing before "getting a snack". I just feel worn out. It's only September!

[In the Rain]

Sounds like you are just feeling more human tonight. We cannot do everything right. We cannot predict what outcome each move make will produce.

We just have to step up and take that leap every stink'n day.

 

Ease up on yourself.

Look at what you are doing right.

You WILL find it.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

This is what i need to figure out. What am I doing right?

 

 

Well the first thing you are doing right is questioning yourself.

Asking "what am I doing wrong". You are responsible and caring enough to want to improve.

Having a mother that never thought she did anything wrong, that is a WONDERFUL thing.

[Halcyon]

From all ur posts, u did everything right

 

Thanks, but that's not true, unfortunately. I try very, very hard. Probably too hard. But something is still wrong. I just cant identify it.

[Halcyon]

Well the first thing you are doing right is questioning yourself.

Asking "what am I doing wrong". You are responsible and caring enough to want to improve.

Having a mother that never thought she did anything wrong, that is a WONDERFUL thing.

 

Yes, my mom was like this. :grouphug: i apologized tonight to my younger that i couldnt always help him, but that i always love him 10000%, to the moon and back.

[JenC3]

Sorry you are feeling down:grouphug:

 

You need to listen to your instincts. Take a break! You don't want you and your kids to suffer burn out at this stage. The rate you are going, that may happen. School will always be there, a nice relaxing day in the moment with your kids is fleeting.:chillpill:

[Trilliums]

:grouphug:

 

I don't regret the times I relaxed on academics with the kids when they were younger. I am more likely to regret the times I stressed over it all.

Granted, we were pretty relaxed all along. :). This has not hindered the kids and it led to do man interesting and provoking pursuits. My boys are in high school now and they are swamped with work. I think if they had had this pace all along they would be burnt out.

 

To me it sounds as though you might be holding yourself to standards that are, well, not exactly too high, but standards that aren't quite tailored to your family. Can you personalize your goals a bit? Hsing did allow me time to think of MY priorities, not the priorities I felt as though I should have (which is what I started out with when we began hsing).

[ErinE]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You're in a huge transition period. You just moved. You've taken a lot on yourself (from other posts you're leading a coop, right?) Everyone gets blue. Find time to recharge your batteries. Don't let the self-doubt pull you down.

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:

 

I don't regret the times I relaxed on academics with the kids when they were younger. I am more likely to regret the times I stressed over it all.

Granted, we were pretty relaxed all along. :). This has not hindered the kids and it led to do man interesting and provoking pursuits. My boys are in high school now and they are swamped with work. I think if they had had this pace all along they would be burnt out.

 

To me it sounds as though you might be holding yourself to standards that are, well, not exactly too high, but standards that aren't quite tailored to your family. Can you personalize your goals a bit? Hsing did allow me time to think of MY priorities, not the priorities I felt as though I should have (which is what I started out with when we began hsing).

 

I have tried to narrow my goals a bit, but it rarely works. I want it all for my kids lol. Great education, lots of exercise, get into great college with scholarships, happy, well-rounded, kind, thoughtful, involved, good around the house, deep thinkers, know their facts, can speak in front of groups, self-confident...see my problem? :confused: i dont know how to prioritize.

[Halcyon]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You're in a huge transition period. You just moved. You've taken a lot on yourself (from other posts you're leading a coop, right?) Everyone gets blue. Find time to recharge your batteries. Don't let the self-doubt pull you down.

 

Thanks. Yes, moved To a new home, heading coop, redesigning church website, yucky work issues for dh, newly renovated school room (love it but stressful to build). Want everything to be perfect.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Halcyon

[SunnyDays]

I think many of us have the same issue... nothing less than doing the absolute best for our kids, in every way, will ever let us sleep at night. When that (inevitably) doesn't happen... we feel like a fraud or a failure.

 

As moms, we put so much on our own shoulders and it's hard to remind ourselves that our goal is not perfection. Because usually, that is our goal. ;)

 

:grouphug: Try to take it easy on yourself. Sometimes we really just do get in a funk and it needs to pass.

[Jen500]

It does sound like you are a perfectionist. Do you like challenges but not really enjoy the process of getting there, then just raise the bar for yourself?

[Trilliums]

Ah, ok, this seems like a pacing issue then. Do you feel stressed to get it ALLLL done, now, right now? Maybe master conceptual lists....and I am not joking!

 

Those are similar things I desire for me kids. Some of them we cannot even control though and as the kids get older they self direct more. If they are self confident and self motivated they will achieve much of this on their own.

 

More :grouphug::grouphug: you sound like a great mom and an all around interesting person. :)

[Peaceful Isle]

Well the first thing you are doing right is questioning yourself.

Asking "what am I doing wrong". You are responsible and caring enough to want to improve.

Having a mother that never thought she did anything wrong, that is a WONDERFUL thing.

 

:iagree:I totally agree! I constantly tell my kids that I am not perfect, and let them know I am human. My mother used to tell us kids, in so many words, that she was practically perfect, and I always felt I could never reach her standard.

 

One day, when she was over, she actually asked me if "I wanted her to put me on a schedule" :confused: And on my 9th anniversary, she told me that I could lose "a few pant sizes". I won't bore you with the gazillion other stories like that!:glare:

 

Yup, I think you are being wonderful, just admitting you are not perfect. Kuddos and hugs to you for that! :grouphug:

[Halcyon]

It does sound like you are a perfectionist. Do you like challenges but not really enjoy the process of getting there, then just raise the bar for yourself?

 

 

Yes. I want everything to be just so, but the process doesn't always bring me joy :glare: I am rarely satisfied. WIth my kids, I tone it down, to be sure. I express a lot of joy with their creations, with their work, but I also am very clear when I think their effort and results are not as good as they should be.

 

I do very much, however, enjoy the PROCESS of homeschooling. It's one of the few things where the process is so enjoyable to me. But then I begin to think about "where they should be" and "what we should have accomplished this week" and the "process" aspect fades as i focus on where we fell short.

 

Does this make sense?

[Halcyon]

Ah, ok, this seems like a pacing issue then. Do you feel stressed to get it ALLLL done, now, right now? Maybe master conceptual lists....and I am not joking!

 

Those are similar things I desire for me kids. Some of them we cannot even control though and as the kids get older they self direct more. If they are self confident and self motivated they will achieve much of this on their own.

 

More :grouphug::grouphug: you sound like a great mom and an all around interesting person. :)

 

 

Thanks. Really. I needed to hear that tonight.

 

Pacing--can you explain more? Yes, I think I want it all right now. For example, I want to do full-on Spanish AND Latin AND Writing...with lots of narration in History and Science...but also LOTS OF LABS....and grammar..even though we're doing a lot in Latin...and cooking..he needs to know how to cook...and do laundry....and speak politely to elders...and read difficult texts independently....LOL.

 

I think I see what you're saying. You're saying I should figure out my goals for just THIS year, for example. And it shouldn't be everything, right? Ugh. How to prioritize!

[Halcyon]

:iagree:I totally agree! I constantly tell my kids that I am not perfect, and let them know I am human. My mother used to tell us kids, in so many words, that she was practically perfect, and I always felt I could never reach her standard.

 

One day, when she was over, she actually asked me if "I wanted her to put me on a schedule" :confused: And on my 9th anniversary, she told me that I could lose "a few pant sizes". I won't bore you with the gazillion other stories like that!:glare:

 

Yup, I think you are being wonderful, just admitting you are not perfect. Kuddos and hugs to you for that! :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: to you. My mom likes to reorganize my pantry when she comes over. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but it feels judgmental. And don't get me started on her comments on my car if it's not pristine. Sigh. I need to let that go. In fact, I've gotten a lot better about that, but seem to be putting MORE pressure on myself in other ways.

[Halcyon]

I think many of us have the same issue... nothing less than doing the absolute best for our kids, in every way, will ever let us sleep at night. When that (inevitably) doesn't happen... we feel like a fraud or a failure.

 

As moms, we put so much on our own shoulders and it's hard to remind ourselves that our goal is not perfection. Because usually, that is our goal. ;)

 

:grouphug: Try to take it easy on yourself. Sometimes we really just do get in a funk and it needs to pass.

 

 

Yes, that's it exactly--I feel like a failure if all my plans don't work out just so. I find it hard to "see" all the good things that we've done. Maybe I should make a list?

[Jen500]

Yes. I want everything to be just so, but the process doesn't always bring me joy :glare: I am rarely satisfied. WIth my kids, I tone it down, to be sure. I express a lot of joy with their creations, with their work, but I also am very clear when I think their effort and results are not as good as they should be.

 

I do very much, however, enjoy the PROCESS of homeschooling. It's one of the few things where the process is so enjoyable to me. But then I begin to think about "where they should be" and "what we should have accomplished this week" and the "process" aspect fades as i focus on where we fell short.

 

Oh, yes, this makes sense. I can get like this too at times. Something that really helps me is making a list at the beginning of the week, of tangible things I want to accomplish. A realistic list that I have decided on beforehand that will be 'good enough!'. No adding to the list as the week goes on! And if more gets done then that is just icing on the cake.

[brendag]

Are you an INFJ or ENFJ according to the Meyer's Briggs because you sound like you have a lot of similar feelings?? :001_smile:

 

I think people have given some great advice so far. I'm coming at this from a little bit of a different angle if that's ok even though I don't know you or you, me. I do read your posts and get to your blog when I can because it seems your son and mine have some similarities as well. :)

 

In regards to the feelings you are having. Sometimes finding out a little bit more about yourself can help. I know that sounds a bit cheesy and I am so NOT eloquent in writing so bare with me. Let's just say that many of the feelings/patterns you mention are the norm with me. By knowing a general "type", I have come to understand why I feel the way I do many times. In addition, sometimes just knowing that "it's normal for me" can help.

 

So I'm thinking this probably doesn't make sense and feel free to just let it go...seriously. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug:

 

Brenda

[Trilliums]

 

I think I see what you're saying. You're saying I should figure out my goals for just THIS year, for example. And it shouldn't be everything, right? Ugh. How to prioritize!

 

Right.

But, you can make multi year lists too. Hooray!

 

If I think of an empty yard and all the features I want in it eventually (a productive veggie garden, a water feature, a cutting garden, a berry patch, a flower draped arbor, fruit trees, a tree swing, etc) I get immediately over whelmed. Pacing myself helps it seem more doable. I could tackle one distinct element at a time and not work on the next section until the first one is complete. That is the linear way to develop it and logistically or even aesthetically, seems the best way to approach a building project. So with kids we might feel pressured to get one discreet area 'done'. But with kids, they are always growing and changing; we end up digging the pond the same time we are starting the tomato seedlings even though the veggie bed isn't ready. It all happens simultaneously, but little y little. Think in increments. Many of their educational areas are interwoven with one another. Really we need intricate planning webs, not just tidy lists.

Ok, well that's how it felt for me around here at least. :001_smile:

I think a thread on how people pace themselves would be great. I am off to bed though and already realize my post needs some serious editing. Throwing caution to the wind and hitting submit.

[shukriyya]

Says the Sufi poet Jalaluddin Rumi...

 

'Out beyond the fields of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field. I'll meet you there.'

[Plucky]

Yes. I want everything to be just so, but the process doesn't always bring me joy :glare: I am rarely satisfied. WIth my kids, I tone it down, to be sure. I express a lot of joy with their creations, with their work, but I also am very clear when I think their effort and results are not as good as they should be.

 

I do very much, however, enjoy the PROCESS of homeschooling. It's one of the few things where the process is so enjoyable to me. But then I begin to think about "where they should be" and "what we should have accomplished this week" and the "process" aspect fades as i focus on where we fell short.

 

Oh, yes, this makes sense. I can get like this too at times. Something that really helps me is making a list at the beginning of the week, of tangible things I want to accomplish. A realistic list that I have decided on beforehand that will be 'good enough!'. No adding to the list as the week goes on! And if more gets done then that is just icing on the cake.

 

I think this is what keeps me going in hsing. If we get the basics done it's great. Some days when we get even more accomplished then we celebrate. We can't do it all or expect our kids to do it all.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Ah, ok, this seems like a pacing issue then. Do you feel stressed to get it ALLLL done, now, right now? Maybe master conceptual lists....and I am not joking!

 

Pacing--can you explain more? Yes, I think I want it all right now. For example, I want to do full-on Spanish AND Latin AND Writing...with lots of narration in History and Science...but also LOTS OF LABS....and grammar..even though we're doing a lot in Latin...and cooking..he needs to know how to cook...and do laundry....and speak politely to elders...and read difficult texts independently....LOL.

 

I think I see what you're saying. You're saying I should figure out my goals for just THIS year, for example. And it shouldn't be everything, right? Ugh. How to prioritize!

 

I could be wrong but I interpreted Trilliums as saying that you should lay it all out, everything you want to do, ever, and then find a time for that (which is not necessarily right now :D). I do this. It is a huge load off. I have a K-12 spreadsheet for the kids for every subject, from the tiny to the enormous in scope. I pencil things into the chart. If I think they need to do _____, I put _____ somewhere in the chart. It lets my brain let go of that for the here and now, so I can focus on what really is imperative to do in the present. The other stuff? It gets slotted. I have a plan and that plan lets me relax again.

 

How old are you, Halcyon? You don't have to answer that. :D I just turned 40 and a couple of years ago I was having a lot of similar feelings. I was having a sort of mid-life crisis. I was a real go-getter in my previous non SAHM life. (That is a giant understatement. :lol:) I suspect you were as well. I was together, organized, accomplished, praised... Praised. I can't remember a time in my life that people weren't patting me on the back and telling me what a hard worker I was, how smart, how blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

 

Enter motherhood. Exit praise of any kind. Enter homeschooling. Exit any feeling that I had things under control, that I had it together. Enter unknown identity crisis. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's a tough gig we're in where we're preparing these people for life. We are (it seems so much of the time) solely responsible for their education. I mean, my word! That is a lot. And how often does anyone tell you you're doing a great job with that? Here? Next to never. Having three kids whine at you about this or that for even 5-10 minutes a day somehow has the logic-defying effect of feeling like the entire day has been a failure, especially if said whining has occurred near the end of the day. But perspective is key...the perspective of minutes, days, years...

 

Because I haven't mentioned this enough on the boards this week ;), maybe you should read Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. Fascinating book. Has me lowering the bar all over the place here. The Shamu section changed my life. :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug:

Edited September 5, 2012 by Alte Veste Academy

[Cassy]

One of the most interesting things I've learned from my kids over the past two or three years is how important it is to them that I'm happy. I got to a point when I was trying so hard to do everything as perfectly as I could, was getting so stressed by what I perceived to be the negative judgements of others, that I became really quite deeply unhappy. At that point my kids, especially the older two, tried so hard to do everything they could to make me happy, and kept asking anxiously "Are you enjoying yourself?", "Is this fun?", "Are you happy?", whenever we did anything, that my heart felt as though it might break.

 

I realised then that nothing else mattered: if I was happy, relaxed and fun to be with then that was all my kids really needed. It didn't matter whether or not we got school finished perfectly every day, it didn't matter if the house was a bit dusty, or the bathrooms should have been cleaned two days ago, it didn't matter what anyone else outside our immediate family thought of me. I'd always longed to not care what anyone thought of me, and at that moment of crisis I tried it out, and found that nothing terrible happened if I stopped caring. In fact, I feel more authentically me now than at any other time since I was a child.

 

I still have plans, ambitions, standards; I still work incredibly hard to make things happen. But now those things are not the driving force in my life, instead I focus on being relaxed, balanced, fun and, when possible, happy :001_smile:.

 

I don't know if any of that is of any use to you, but your OP reminded me a little of how I used to feel, and I thought it might help.

 

:grouphug:

[delaney]

It must be a mom thing because my DH just rolls along......

I second guess EVERYTHING I do lately. Maybe it is age? I think part of mine is that the kids are aging and when they are young you always feel like there is more time. Now I see time moving away.

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug: to you. My mom likes to reorganize my pantry when she comes over. I know she's just trying to be helpful, but it feels judgmental. And don't get me started on her comments on my car if it's not pristine. Sigh. I need to let that go. In fact, I've gotten a lot better about that, but seem to be putting MORE pressure on myself in other ways.

 

I think we tend to feel comfortable in the patterns we grew up in, even if they stunk, because it is what we have come to expect. So, if you are growing OUT of being affected by your mother's judgement (like you said, you are letting go of some of that), it may feel uncomfortable on a subconscious level, so YOU put the pressure to be perfect on yourself now because that is what is familiar. If that's the case, once you see it, you have the power to choose. For me, I don't even really feel it, necessarily, but I can see it if I look at my actions (kinda like anxiety--I may not even feel the anxiety, but I know I'm anxious, because of the way I'm acting...).

 

Also, I find a lot of perfectionism is rooted in FEAR. I want so much to be right for my kiddos because I am afraid of what their lives will be like if it isn't. I don't want them to be unhappy. A technique that helps me when I recognise I'm "doing" that, is to continue the thought like a thread that I keep pulling to see what's at the end of it--"Ok, so what if they...then what? Then What? THEN what?" until I reach the end. It really, really helps me calm down.

 

I hope this helps.

 

I think you are a lovely mom, and I always enjoy reading your posts. :001_smile:

We all have stuff to work on. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing some of your stuff.

[Halcyon]

Says the Sufi poet Jalaluddin Rumi...

 

'Out beyond the fields of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field. I'll meet you there.'

 

I love Rumi. Beautiful. I am going to respond to everyone's posts, but i need to get off my darn ipad to type more.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Halcyon

[speedmom4]

:grouphug:

 

Sounds like you are trying to be Superwoman and finally realizing it's not possible. I used to feel the way you do. I read a great book a few years ago, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It really opened my eyes to what my thought processes were creating in my life. Perspective is so very important. I would highly recommend the book.

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[TXMomof4]

How old are you, Halcyon? You don't have to answer that. :D I just turned 40 and a couple of years ago I was having a lot of similar feelings. I was having a sort of mid-life crisis. I was a real go-getter in my previous non SAHM life. (That is a giant understatement. :lol:) I suspect you were as well. I was together, organized, accomplished, praised... Praised. I can't remember a time in my life that people weren't patting me on the back and telling me what a hard worker I was, how smart, how blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

 

Enter motherhood. Exit praise of any kind. Enter homeschooling. Exit any feeling that I had things under control, that I had it together. Enter unknown identity crisis. :tongue_smilie:

 

It's a tough gig we're in where we're preparing these people for life. We are (it seems so much of the time) solely responsible for their education. I mean, my word! That is a lot. And how often does anyone tell you you're doing a great job with that? Here? Next to never. Having three kids whine at you about this or that for even 5-10 minutes a day somehow has the logic-defying effect of feeling like the entire day has been a failure, especially if said whining has occurred near the end of the day. But perspective is key...the perspective of minutes, days, years...

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: With the whole post, but especially this. I am over the moon when dd3 has a successful day and I realize no one else in the whole world will realize the accomplishment of seeing joy on her face instead of terror at facing a history outline. There is no one else who could possibly get that because no one else in the whole world has gone through getting her to this point. It's not an outstanding goal as far as what the rest of kids her age are doing, but it has been a journey and a challenge the likes of which I've never known. I wish I could share that moment with someone - but really, even dh doesn't understand. When I am having the up all night terror that I might not be doing enough no one else (IRL) gets that. There is an easy answer for everyone else - put the kids in school. Even the other hsers I know *seem* so confident in their choices and their progress that I feel even more unsure.

 

BUT - I know my kids are doing great when I look at it logically. The older two are in virtual charters and they are rockin' it. It's the fear that I'm going to let something drop without even realizing it that sends me to the deep end.

 

Mostly, just :grouphug:. I do have the benefit of having had my kids in ps school for a part of last year to realize that I haven't screwed them up completely yet. If I keep working as hard as I can, maybe I won't. I have less time to ruin the older two than we've had together so far, so maybe the odds are in my favor there. ;) THe younger two - well, we'll just have to see.

[Halcyon]

 

Oh, yes, this makes sense. I can get like this too at times. Something that really helps me is making a list at the beginning of the week, of tangible things I want to accomplish. A realistic list that I have decided on beforehand that will be 'good enough!'. No adding to the list as the week goes on! And if more gets done then that is just icing on the cake.

Well, I have my school plan-is that what you mean? It has helped me in that we used to just "keep going" with curriculum, not "stop" at a pre-set point. I have particular goals for each aspect of our homeschool: math, writing, history, etc. Right now, I feel we are overloaded, as we had to use part of Labor Day to catch up. I am having DS10 do a LOT more writing than last year, and it's time-consuming.

 

Thanks.

[Snickerdoodle]

Sometimes when I feel this way I ask myself, "Am I honoring the nature of my child?"

I have tried to narrow my goals a bit, but it rarely works. I want it all for my kids lol. Great education, lots of exercise, get into great college with scholarships, happy, well-rounded, kind, thoughtful, involved, good around the house, deep thinkers, know their facts, can speak in front of groups, self-confident.

While I think all of your goals that you mentioned are worthy, are you raising children that have all of these qualities from within themselves or do you think it's required to drag them along and push, push, push? It's an honest question that I ask myself a lot. How many of the above goals are my responsibility to "make sure" they get vs how much responsibility is it for them to *want* those things and create them for themselves?

[TXMomof4]

Also, I find a lot of perfectionism is rooted in FEAR. I want so much to be right for my kiddos because I am afraid of what their lives will be like if it isn't. I don't want them to be unhappy. A technique that helps me when I recognise I'm "doing" that, is to continue the thought like a thread that I keep pulling to see what's at the end of it--"Ok, so what if they...then what? Then What? THEN what?" until I reach the end. It really, really helps me calm down.

 

.

 

Once more, :iagree:with the above. If you are a believer there is a Beth Moore video from her Esther book that discusses exactly this. The command given most often in the Bible is Don't be Afraid!!!! She walks through the worst case scenario - if this happens, then what? Take it on down and the end result is always that we can carry on and God will help with our burdens. She also discusses the idea that we were put here "for such a time as this". It's very powerful. I actually bought that specific video and have watched it over and over. I know Beth Moore isn't everyone's cup of tea, but this lesson is just amazing.

[MBM]

Also, I find a lot of perfectionism is rooted in FEAR. I want so much to be right for my kiddos because I am afraid of what their lives will be like if it isn't. I don't want them to be unhappy. A technique that helps me when I recognise I'm "doing" that, is to continue the thought like a thread that I keep pulling to see what's at the end of it--"Ok, so what if they...then what? Then What? THEN what?" until I reach the end. It really, really helps me calm down.

 

Yes, this. Practicing decatastrophizing could help a lot. Martin Seligman (a well-known psychologist) thinks that if you can get rid of the tendency to catastrophize, you will help rid yourself of depression. He has exercises for doing this in some of his books, but what Chris has suggested would work fine, too.

[Twilight Woods]

:grouphug:

[JenC3]

Thanks. Really. I needed to hear that tonight.

 

Pacing--can you explain more? Yes, I think I want it all right now. For example, I want to do full-on Spanish AND Latin AND Writing...with lots of narration in History and Science...but also LOTS OF LABS....and grammar..even though we're doing a lot in Latin...and cooking..he needs to know how to cook...and do laundry....and speak politely to elders...and read difficult texts independently....LOL.

 

I think I see what you're saying. You're saying I should figure out my goals for just THIS year, for example. And it shouldn't be everything, right? Ugh. How to prioritize!

 

Wow. He's still 10 right? These things WILL happen, but really that's a lot for his age and it will come little by little. You still have like 8 yrs left;)

[Halcyon]

Are you an INFJ or ENFJ according to the Meyer's Briggs because you sound like you have a lot of similar feelings?? :001_smile:

 

I think people have given some great advice so far. I'm coming at this from a little bit of a different angle if that's ok even though I don't know you or you, me. I do read your posts and get to your blog when I can because it seems your son and mine have some similarities as well. :)

 

In regards to the feelings you are having. Sometimes finding out a little bit more about yourself can help. I know that sounds a bit cheesy and I am so NOT eloquent in writing so bare with me. Let's just say that many of the feelings/patterns you mention are the norm with me. By knowing a general "type", I have come to understand why I feel the way I do many times. In addition, sometimes just knowing that "it's normal for me" can help.

 

So I'm thinking this probably doesn't make sense and feel free to just let it go...seriously. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug:

 

Brenda

 

I don't remember what I am. ENFJ, perhaps. And I do know I have had these feeling before. I just don't like them anymore. :001_huh:

[Alte Veste Academy]

Thanks. Yes, moved To a new home, heading coop, redesigning church website, yucky work issues for dh, newly renovated school room (love it but stressful to build). Want everything to be perfect.

 

I read your other thread yesterday, about having to coax work out of your DS10, and I do wonder if you are not all still in the exhausted physical and mental period that follows a move. I kind of chuckled when someone asked if you had taken any time off and you said 3 weeks. Three weeks is a veritable drop in the bucket of how much time we needed to be off after our recent move. You worked your butt off every day, didn't you? When is the last time you had a vacation...or just an obscenely long bubble bath? :D

 

Speaking of vacations and the need for down time, I firmly believe a little ennui is a good thing. My kids have a pattern that I find incredibly interesting. After working particularly hard on something (whether in play or school) they goof off for a while. They do completely mindless activities or watch brain-candy tv shows or play too much Wii. Then, BAM! Here comes the boredom! And it's time to build a birdhouse, ask Dad if they can help him change the oil, embroider something, help me with a quilt, try a new recipe, and incredibly, most often, "do some school." I think if my kids didn't have enough time to get bored, I would be dragging them tooth and nail through learning. I don't know. Maybe three weeks wasn't enough.

 

Just a thought. Do your kids have subjects or projects for which they are solely responsible? I don't so much mean working on some subjects independently, more like something project-based. You don't have to become a relaxed unschooler type, but loosening up the structure for a subject or two might provide some balance.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but in your shoes, I would buy those boys a couple of blank art journals, some nice drawing pens and pencils, some field guides for your area and tell them to spend the week together creating a family field guide for your property. I would sip iced tea, take bubble baths, read something that is inspirational and something that is brain candy, and, yeah, do a bit of work looking at how to distribute the workload and goals through future years.

 

Sometimes when I feel this way I ask myself, "Am I honoring the nature of my child?"

 

While I think all of your goals that you mentioned are worthy, are you raising children that have all of these qualities from within themselves or do you think it's required to drag them along and push, push, push? It's an honest question that I ask myself a lot. How many of the above goals are my responsibility to "make sure" they get vs how much responsibility is it for them to *want* those things and create them for themselves?

 

:iagree: And how much will they evolve into in their own time. We know what they don't so we see all our kids are lacking. But because they lack this or that attribute or skill at 7 or 10 does not mean they will not come by it on their own eventually.

[Halcyon]

Right.

But, you can make multi year lists too. Hooray!

 

If I think of an empty yard and all the features I want in it eventually (a productive veggie garden, a water feature, a cutting garden, a berry patch, a flower draped arbor, fruit trees, a tree swing, etc) I get immediately over whelmed. Pacing myself helps it seem more doable. I could tackle one distinct element at a time and not work on the next section until the first one is complete. That is the linear way to develop it and logistically or even aesthetically, seems the best way to approach a building project. So with kids we might feel pressured to get one discreet area 'done'. But with kids, they are always growing and changing; we end up digging the pond the same time we are starting the tomato seedlings even though the veggie bed isn't ready. It all happens simultaneously, but little y little. Think in increments. Many of their educational areas are interwoven with one another. Really we need intricate planning webs, not just tidy lists.

Ok, well that's how it felt for me around here at least. :001_smile:

I think a thread on how people pace themselves would be great. I am off to bed though and already realize my post needs some serious editing. Throwing caution to the wind and hitting submit.

 

 

This is a good idea. I will think on it. Maybe I can create a mind map of some sort with all my ideas on it. Or just a spreadsheet or something. Thinking. Thanks. This might take the pressure off.

[Halcyon]

in.

 

How old are you, Halcyon? You don't have to answer that. I just turned 40 and a couple of years ago I was having a lot of similar feelings. I was having a sort of mid-life crisis. I was a real go-getter in my previous non SAHM life. (That is a giant understatement. :lol:) I suspect you were as well. I was together, organized, accomplished, praised... Praised. I can't remember a time in my life that people weren't patting me on the back and telling me what a hard worker I was, how smart, how blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

 

 

It's a tough gig we're in where we're preparing these people for life. We are (it seems so much of the time) solely responsible for their education. I mean, my word! That is a lot. And how often does anyone tell you you're doing a great job with that? Here? Next to never. Having three kids whine at you about this or that for even 5-10 minutes a day somehow has the logic-defying effect of feeling like the entire day has been a failure, especially if said whining has occurred near the end of the day. But perspective is key...the perspective of minutes, days, years...

 

Because I haven't mentioned this enough on the boards this week ;), maybe you should read Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. Fascinating book. Has me lowering the bar all over the place here. The Shamu section changed my life. :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug:

 

I will read that book. Thanks. I am 42. :tongue_smilie: And yes, I was a real "go-getter" so to speak. And got a lot of positive feedback for it! (like you) And now, I sometimes feel I am floating in this ether where I don't know how "well" I am doing, whether I am "doing right" by my kids or making some terrible mistakes....And yes, it's hard to see the good that I am doing when they moan about math.

 

Today has been different. I told them that they are in charge of their academic day today. THey were like ":confused::confused:" but interestingly, they both have had a very productive day, with very little prodding from me. Today, I totally backed off. Younger said he wanted to do a history project from SOTW 1 (making cuneiform tablets), so we did that. Then he said he wanted to do Art, which was making greeting cards from a book he got out of the library today. He made two beautiful and complex cards and attached them to two gifts he wants to give to friends aat afterschool. Oh, and he got a book out about how to wrap gifts, so he spent some time with that. Then he said it was time for math. When I asked him what math he would like to do, he chose CWP, which is his favorite book. He said he wanted to do writing, and chose to free write using a prompt from Story Starters.

 

Older was a bit perplexed at first. He kept asking me "what do YOU think I should do?" and I said, you can look at your academic plan and see what appeals to you for today". He chose to read his book for an hour, then wanted to do LOF Decimals and AoPS. We worked together for an hour on those. Then we learned personal pronouns in Latin, watching a weird rap song some guys did on youtube :tongue_smilie: and then made up our own. Now he is translating a paragraph from Henle. I don't know what he will choose to do next, but we are going to stop at 1, regardless, have some lunch and maybe play the Wii (we just received it in the mail last night and the boys are so excited).

 

I don't know. Maybe I AM just depressed.

[Halcyon]

:grouphug:

 

Sounds like you are trying to be Superwoman and finally realizing it's not possible. I used to feel the way you do. I read a great book a few years ago, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It really opened my eyes to what my thought processes were creating in my life. Perspective is so very important. I would highly recommend the book.

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

 

I have that book. Time to revist, perhaps.

[SunnyDays]

:grouphug:

 

I am forever worried I'm screwing my kids up. If I'm not hard enough on them I might screw them up worse. If I'm too hard on them I'll surely screw them up. In the meantime I will likely go insane. :D

 

 

 

I think this sums things up pretty well, LOL!! It is hard to find the right balance. And being depressed - it's a good question. I know when I get down, everything seems to weigh on my shoulders ALL the more!!