A What Would You Do question.

[5LittleMonkeys]

If you knew someone..an acquaintance, not a close friend, that continually talked about how hard homeschooling is for her, that she can't find a good schedule, that her curricula isn't working, asking you and many others advice on how to fix things, but you KNEW that the problem was her inability to control her child, would you be honest with her?

 

It has been mentioned a few times by others that the problem might be with behavior, but I think she is embarrassed and so continually makes excuses for the behavior and for her inability to parent effectively. Those that mentioned it did so in an off hand way and didn't sit down with her in a "I really want to help you" way.

 

I feel so bad for her because she wastes so much time and effort on schedules, rearranging curricula, switching curricula, increasing the workload, decreasing the workload, switching methods....all for nothing because she won't focus on the real issue. The last time she brought it up she was almost in tears she was so frustrated. I also feel badly for her dc because they are NOT getting the education they should be getting at home.

 

If it matters, I will be teaching one of her dc, the one she has the most problems with, in a classroom setting soon and for an extended period of time. I KNOW I will have to discipline him and keep him on a "short leash" so to speak.

 

So, would you try to gently but firmly tell her that she needs to focus on learning how to parent more effectively and get her dc under control or would you just keep your mouth shut and let her continue wasting time, energy and money going around in circles?

[Ottakee]

Is this all of her children or just one child that she is struggling with? If it is just one, it could be due to some special needs that require intervention. If it is just poor parenting/discipline then I would bring it up casually if the door opens for that.........like if you need to discipline in your class you could ask her what works best/how she handles that behavior and go from there.

[Trish]

If you knew someone..an acquaintance, not a close friend, that continually talked about how hard homeschooling is for her, that she can't find a good schedule, that her curricula isn't working, asking you and many others advice on how to fix things, but you KNEW that the problem was her inability to control her child, would you be honest with her?

 

It has been mentioned a few times by others that the problem might be with behavior, but I think she is embarrassed and so continually makes excuses for the behavior and for her inability to parent effectively. Those that mentioned it did so in an off hand way and didn't sit down with her in a "I really want to help you" way.

 

I feel so bad for her because she wastes so much time and effort on schedules, rearranging curricula, switching curricula, increasing the workload, decreasing the workload, switching methods....all for nothing because she won't focus on the real issue. The last time she brought it up she was almost in tears she was so frustrated. I also feel badly for her dc because they are NOT getting the education they should be getting at home.

 

If it matters, I will be teaching one of her dc, the one she has the most problems with, in a classroom setting soon and for an extended period of time. I KNOW I will have to discipline him and keep him on a "short leash" so to speak.

 

So, would you try to gently but firmly tell her that she needs to focus on learning how to parent more effectively and get her dc under control or would you just keep your mouth shut and let her continue wasting time, energy and money going around in circles?

 

Without directing it AT her, maybe make it about you, what works for you, describe problems that come up for YOU vis a vis discipline, and how you handle it, and kind of work it into a more general discussion that way.

[myfunnybunch]

would you try to gently but firmly tell her that she needs to focus on learning how to parent more effectively and get her dc under control or would you just keep your mouth shut and let her continue wasting time, energy and money going around in circles?

 

I can't imagine anyone responding well to being told they're an ineffective parent. I know you probably wouldn't use those words, but it can still come across if that's how you're thinking of it.

 

Instead, I'd think of specific habits or changes that might be helpful, and (ONLY if it comes up, meaning she starts talking about her challenges or you're discussing how to meet her child's needs in your class) say, "That sounds really difficult for all of you. Routine and discipline are so important, that I believe it's important to focus on teaching good habits. What areas do you think are working and what's not working?" You're showing empathy (so she doesn't feel the need to make excuses), you're focusing on a specific change, and you're prompting her to think through possible challenging areas for herself, which means it's more likely she'll feel good about the conversation and, perhaps, follow through.

 

Cat

[Ellie]

So, would you try to gently but firmly tell her that she needs to focus on learning how to parent more effectively and get her dc under control or would you just keep your mouth shut and let her continue wasting time, energy and money going around in circles?

I'd probably keep my mouth shut. There's a very slight possibility I'd say something, but only if she asked me directly, and even then I'd be very, very cautious. I cannot believe she has gotten to the age she has without ever having an opportunity to have the forehead-smacking moment of realizing that she needs to Get Her Own Act Together.

 

It's her time, energy and money to waste, isn't?

 

And I wouldn't feel bad about her situation, either.

 

BTDT more than once.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I would absolutely be more tactful than telling her her parenting is lacking. She obviously loves her dc, and is trying her best with them. She is super sweet...I just think her dc, mostly her oldest, really take advantage of her sweet and quiet nature.

 

I would really hate to offend her. I think the reason I'm finding it hard to ignore is that I've been that mom that looks to everything else as the reason her kid isn't learning except for behavior. I did figure it out and things are good now, but for awhile it was h**l. YKWIM?

 

I like Ellie's suggestion of leaving it alone, because of coarse that would be easiest, but...I think it would always bug me that I didn't try to help. I don't know...

[MomatHWTK]

I agree with sharing your own experience rather than pointing out specifics of her situation. When mom and children aren't on base as far as teaching, step one is to get the school organized and address heart issues.

 

You could pose it as a question, "Do you feel like the kids are on board with what you are trying to do?"

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'd probably keep my mouth shut. There's a very slight possibility I'd say something, but only if she asked me directly, and even then I'd be very, very cautious. I cannot believe she has gotten to the age she has without ever having an opportunity to have the forehead-smacking moment of realizing that she needs to Get Her Own Act Together.

 

It's her time, energy and money to waste, isn't?

 

And I wouldn't feel bad about her situation, either.

 

BTDT more than once.

 

:iagree: Listen to Ellie.

 

She's BTDT, I've BTDT, and it's almost always the same. Nothing you could say would make her willing and able to say, "Oh, my stars. You are so right, I will organize it all and do it your way tomorrow morning." If she wanted to do that, and could do that, she'd be doing it already.

 

I'm in this exact position right now, full-time homeschooling the child of a hs'ing Mama friend who does not and will never have her homeschooling act together. She will ask for tons of help and advice, agree with all of it, and take none of it. :lol:

 

So I've learned that the best and most I can do for her is to show her, with her own child who needs my help, how to consistently 'do school' every day. I don't know how much of my work will trickle down to my student's siblings, or how our daily efforts will influence their home.

 

I've decided it's none of my business, because I am helping in the only way I can. Teaching someone else's child is a big deal, and enough help for another homeschooling family.

 

If your friend asks a specific question, like, "Should I do two Latin programs at once even though the child can't read English," then, of course, answer that specific question. But no lifestyle makeovers. You have enough to do.

[Catwoman]

She already knows exactly what the problem is. Really, she does. She is trying to make excuses for it by pointing a finger at everything else, but in her heart she knows... but she feels overwhelmed and doesn't know how to fix things.

 

She has probably already tried every single thing you could already suggest to her but I'd be willing to bet that her problem is a lack of long term consistency and a lack of routine... and I'm sure she knows it.

 

I wouldn't say a word to her about it, except as it pertains to any problems you may have with the child you'll be teaching.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I need to add something: My friend has very recently been able to make a cross-country move back near her parents and some old friends, and she is getting more support now as a homeschooler than when she lived elsewhere for so many years. There are changes in their home, and definitely in her happiness.

 

I am the one able to help her teenaged daughter, but I was never really the one able to help her. I'm very thankful she is now near people who speak her language more than I do, and who live nearby.

 

Just something to keep in mind on days when you feel like you might be helping your friend's child but making no inroads with her...maybe you are just part of the puzzle of help for the whole family.

[Rebecca VA]

Here's what to do: Tell her she should become a member of the Hive. We are very good at solving other moms' problems. Once she tells us her story and we recognize that she's your friend, we'll tell her she needs to work on discipline. She'll be glad and grateful to hear our advice, and the problem will be solved.

[5LittleMonkeys]

:iagree: Listen to Ellie.

You have enough to do.

 

Yes and yes.

 

She already knows exactly what the problem is. Really, she does. She is trying to make excuses for it by pointing a finger at everything else, but in her heart she knows... but she feels overwhelmed and doesn't know how to fix things.

 

She has probably already tried every single thing you could already suggest to her but I'd be willing to bet that her problem is a lack of long term consistency and a lack of routine... and I'm sure she knows it.

 

I wouldn't say a word to her about it, except as it pertains to any problems you may have with the child you'll be teaching.

 

 

Just something to keep in mind on days when you feel like you might be helping your friend's child but making no inroads with her...maybe you are just part of the puzzle of help for the whole family.

 

 

Okay, thanks guys. I'll let it go. I'll do what I can to be a positive influence on her dc and hope she will eventually get that AHA moment. I'll only give advice if she specifically asks.

[Mommy22alyns]

Here's what to do: Tell her she should become a member of the Hive. We are very good at solving other moms' problems. Once she tells us her story and we recognize that she's your friend, we'll tell her she needs to work on discipline. She'll be glad and grateful to hear our advice, and the problem will be solved.

 

:D I like this idea!