DH & Weight Loss

[canadianmomtofour]

I was hoping to get some ideas from everyone here about how to help dh. He is approximately 70lbs overweight. He gained the weight after we started having children and has twice lost and re-gained 50lbs. He has just turned 44 and is now the heaviest he has ever been. I am afraid for his health. I am only 34 and I am terrified of losing my husband!

 

The problem is, he is unable to lose the weight without a LOT of help from me. I have to essentially be his life coach. I tell him when and what to eat; how and when to excersize, and be his cheerleader. I've done this in the past, but now I am TIRED. Two of my kids have special neurological and medical needs, and I am homeschooling three of them this year. I don't have it in me to do it for him, but the alternative if I don't is scary. How do I motivate myself to motivate him? I could use some ideas for some fun, family activities to get him active. We like to cycle and can put the 4yo in the bike trailer and the 6yo on the tandem, but that only works in the summer months. He loves to play squash, but we would need babysitting for that. Help!

[Mom-ninja.]

Here is a hard lesson I've learned....am learning. *He* has to want to lose weight. It's his decision. It can't be you wanting it while he doesn't really care.

 

When he truly cares about weight loss he will do something about it.

 

I'm in the same situation. It's out of my hands. You cannot motivate someone else. It has to come from within that person.

[canadianmomtofour]

Here is a hard lesson I've learned....am learning. *He* has to want to lose weight. It's his decision. It can't be you wanting it while he doesn't really care.

 

When he truly cares about weight loss he will do something about it.

 

I'm in the same situation. It's out of my hands. You cannot motivate someone else. It has to come from within that person.

 

 

Oooh, I don't like that lesson! :tongue_smilie: It would be so much better if I could just make him do it......

[dirty ethel rackham]

Here is a hard lesson I've learned....am learning. *He* has to want to lose weight. It's his decision. It can't be you wanting it while he doesn't really care.

 

When he truly cares about weight loss he will do something about it.

 

I'm in the same situation. It's out of my hands. You cannot motivate someone else. It has to come from within that person.

 

:iagree: The only thing you can do is help create a positive environment where it is easy to do the things that are good for one's health. That may mean healthy, satisfying meals, fun activity, lack of negativity.

[RoughCollie]

Here is a hard lesson I've learned....am learning. *He* has to want to lose weight. It's his decision. It can't be you wanting it while he doesn't really care.

 

When he truly cares about weight loss he will do something about it.

 

I'm in the same situation. It's out of my hands. You cannot motivate someone else. It has to come from within that person.

 

:iagree: I'm in the same situation.

[LG Gone Wild]

Here is a hard lesson I've learned....am learning. *He* has to want to lose weight. It's his decision. It can't be you wanting it while he doesn't really care.

 

When he truly cares about weight loss he will do something about it.

 

I'm in the same situation. It's out of my hands. You cannot motivate someone else. It has to come from within that person.

 

Yeah, if he wants it, he will do it.

 

I would never mention it again. All you can do is have healthy food but that is already in your control anyway.

[TechWife]

Here is a hard lesson I've learned....am learning. *He* has to want to lose weight. It's his decision. It can't be you wanting it while he doesn't really care.

 

When he truly cares about weight loss he will do something about it.

 

I'm in the same situation. It's out of my hands. You cannot motivate someone else. It has to come from within that person.

 

:iagree: - in fact, I couldn't agree more. This is something you are not responsible for and do not need to burden yourself with.

[bolt.]

The problem is, he is unable to lose the weight without a LOT of help from me.

With humility, I'd like to say: yes, it sounds like that is the core of the problem. Nobody ever successfully makes and maintains a life change unless they do it primarily on their own steam, by their own effort, according to a method that they have chosen for themself and understand for themself.

 

If you help him again, the way you have before, he will lose what you make him lose, and then go back to his normal as soon as you let him do so. He needs to take his own actions, because nothing you do 'to' him or 'for' him is going to be effective.

 

Yes, he needs your support -- even cheer-leading, but you need to be in the back seat 'believing in him' not in the driver's seat taking him where he needs to go. In fact, managing this issue for him probably makes the feelings of helplessness loom larger in his eyes. There is a better strategy, but it starts with you letting go of his issue, and dealing with your fear that you are, indeed, at the mercy of his decisions. Perhaps you need to think about his coverage as far as life insurance, if that would make you feel more secure.

 

After that, encourage him by sharing ideas, initiating family activities, eating well at home, and believing in him. Maybe encourage him to see a counselor or a (real) life coach who will help him approach his life purposefully, with his own goals in mind.

[canadianmomtofour]

It's so hard to ignore it! This is our future together that's on the line. Those of you in this same situation; do you not find yourself getting angry sometimes that he won't take care of himself? I never vocalize it, but I do feel resentful.

[canadianmomtofour]

With humility, I'd like to say: yes, it sounds like that is the core of the problem. Nobody ever successfully makes and maintains a life change unless they do it primarily on their own steam, by their own effort, according to a method that they have chosen for themself and understand for themself.

 

If you help him again, the way you have before, he will lose what you make him lose, and then go back to his normal as soon as you let him do so. He needs to take his own actions, because nothing you do 'to' him or 'for' him is going to be effective.

 

Yes, he needs your support -- even cheer-leading, but you need to be in the back seat 'believing in him' not in the driver's seat taking him where he needs to go. In fact, managing this issue for him probably makes the feelings of helplessness loom larger in his eyes. There is a better strategy, but it starts with you letting go of his issue, and dealing with your fear that you are, indeed, at the mercy of his decisions. Perhaps you need to think about his coverage as far as life insurance, if that would make you feel more secure.

 

After that, encourage him by sharing ideas, initiating family activities, eating well at home, and believing in him. Maybe encourage him to see a counselor or a (real) life coach who will help him approach his life purposefully, with his own goals in mind.

 

Thank you for this. Your right, I've done too much FOR him. I just can't stand the thought of life without him. As for the life insurance, I did have us both take out policies a few years ago which gives me financial peace of mind, but obviously not emotional.

[Susan C.]

Like Big Fat Greek Wedding's mom says, "The man is the head and the woman is the neck, she can turn the head whatever way she wishes."

 

Men will eat what is in the house. So don't have things in the house you don't want him to eat. My dh lost 25 lbs. by taking his lunch to work (no fast food), stopping sodas, stopping desserts every night, and lowering sugar intake. No orange juice (has same sugar as soda), no breakfast cereal (eggs or oatmeal instead), meats and salads for dinner, limit bread.

[Joyofsixreboot]

It's so hard to ignore it! This is our future together that's on the line. Those of you in this same situation; do you not find yourself getting angry sometimes that he won't take care of himself? I never vocalize it, but I do feel resentful.

 

Yes, I do get angry and frustrated but I don't say anything. It wouldn't help. I work out and serve healthy meals. He chooses not to participate and stops to buy himself junk. He takes blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar medication. If that isn't a wake up call what is?

[canadianmomtofour]

Like Big Fat Greek Wedding's mom says, "The man is the head and the woman is the neck, she can turn the head whatever way she wishes."

 

Men will eat what is in the house. So don't have things in the house you don't want him to eat. My dh lost 25 lbs. by taking his lunch to work (no fast food), stopping sodas, stopping desserts every night, and lowering sugar intake. No orange juice (has same sugar as soda), no breakfast cereal (eggs or oatmeal instead), meats and salads for dinner, limit bread.

 

I'm not bringing it into the house. He is. I wish I could control what he eats outside of the house, but I can't.

 

 

Yes, I do get angry and frustrated but I don't say anything. It wouldn't help. I work out and serve healthy meals. He chooses not to participate and stops to buy himself junk. He takes blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar medication. If that isn't a wake up call what is?

 

:grouphug: I try to maintain a healthy lifestyle too. I always wonder why he doesn't just do it with me? :confused:

[bolt.]

It's OK to have feelings about other people's choices, and it's OK to say so. There is a difference between saying to someone (a) "I have a feeling about the choice you are making, and I want to tell you what it is." and (b) "I think you are making the wrong choices, and I want you to let me manage this area of life for you."

 

You can say things like, "When I see you choose xyz, I can just see the fat hardening your areteries. Then I see myself calling 911 when you have a heart attack. It's hard for me to get through these fearful moments. I know you don't want me to be scared, but I am scared. I really want you to change your diet and exercise habits -- even a little bit would mean so much to me."

 

In your current pattern, he will probably respond with something that boils down to, 'tell me what to do then'. Your answer should encourage him to do what he thinks is right or best -- you will feel better when he starts taking this issue seriously... If he is asking you to manage it for him, that is not 'taking the issue seriously'.

[Mom-ninja.]

It's so hard to ignore it! This is our future together that's on the line. Those of you in this same situation; do you not find yourself getting angry sometimes that he won't take care of himself? I never vocalize it, but I do feel resentful.

 

Yes. I do get angry. I keep it inside. My dh has this habit of doing the opposite of what I want him to do if I "nag" him as he puts it. He does this on purpose I guess to prove a point. :confused: :glare:

 

I did increase his life insurance.

 

 

 

Like Big Fat Greek Wedding's mom says, "The man is the head and the woman is the neck, she can turn the head whatever way she wishes."

 

Men will eat what is in the house. So don't have things in the house you don't want him to eat. My dh lost 25 lbs. by taking his lunch to work (no fast food), stopping sodas, stopping desserts every night, and lowering sugar intake. No orange juice (has same sugar as soda), no breakfast cereal (eggs or oatmeal instead), meats and salads for dinner, limit bread.

 

I do all this. My dh has not lost. Of course, I can't control what he eats when he's not at home even if I do make his lunch. I also can't control what he buys and brings home like beer and wine.

 

 

 

You can say things like, "When I see you choose xyz, I can just see the fat hardening your areteries. Then I see myself calling 911 when you have a heart attack. It's hard for me to get through these fearful moments. I know you don't want me to be scared, but I am scared. I really want you to change your diet and exercise habits -- even a little bit would mean so much to me."

 

In your current pattern, he will probably respond with something that boils down to, 'tell me what to do then'. Your answer should encourage him to do what he thinks is right or best -- you will feel better when he starts taking this issue seriously... If he is asking you to manage it for him, that is not 'taking the issue seriously'.

 

I have done this. For awhile he ignored what I was saying. So, I finally stopped talking about it. I just do my fitness thing on my own.

 

A guy he works with mentioned a workout he has been doing and how great it is. Now all of a sudden he's willing to give it a try. :confused: I'm trying not to be hurt that he didn't listen to me when he listens to a guy at work.