Homeschooling the lonely child

[Night Elf]

all the way through high school. Does it worry you in the slightest? I've been trying not to stress but my concerns have gotten worse lately. My ds16 has been homeschooled since pulling him out of Kindergarten. I did try putting him into school in 4th grade but that didn't last even two weeks. He hates school so we planned to homeschool high school. Only now that we're in it, I'm worried about his future. He's not like the high schoolers I see mentioned on the high school board. He's never going to be a dual enrollment with a college. He makes fabulous grades but we're able to do his work at his pace and he is able to get lots of help from me and DH. We do use an accredited online program so his classes are similar to a public school class, but it's a self-paced program that allows you to take 13 months to finish one class and you can even buy a 3 month extension if you need more time than that.

 

The only group he's involved in is an Aspergers Teen group and they meet only once a month and he hasn't been in the past few months because the meetings are in places that hold no interest for him. The last one was a restaurant that didn't serve anything he liked. (It was a salad buffet with soup and pasta. And no, he doesn't like any of that.)

 

I think he'll be ready for college on a pure academic level as far as content goes. It's the attending class, possible group work, and deadlines that will likely present problems. Basically I'm scared. And this doesn't have anything to do with him having Aspergers. It's just going from total at-home homeschooling to a college classroom. And this is me pushing for college even though right now he says he doesn't even want to go.

 

We all think homeschooling is awesome, but aren't there times when it just stunts growth, so to speak?

 

I don't know what to do for him socially. There is only one place I know that offers homeschool classes and their high school set is limited. He's taken those classes already. And the couple of electives that could have been possible had just a few early middle schoolers (very small classes), not high schoolers. We decided that wasn't going to be helpful for social reasons and the content was not worth it either. I see people here talk about not having any class resources like that. What else can we do to expose our kids to college-like conditions before actually enrolling? (We have 2 years left of high school, but I'm starting to prep ds16 for being responsible and accountable for his own classes. This will be a slow process.)

 

I tend to worry about everything and DH thinks I'm just overthinking this. Is anyone else very nervous about homeschooling high school till graduation?

 

I should mention that dd20 did earn her diploma through this same school so she finished high school at home. It was just different because she's a very social person and has been working since she was 17. She is still trying to decide if she wants to go to college or not.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think that hs can only stunt growth if you don't push him out of his comfort zones from time to time. I realize that eventually they will decide what events to go to etc. but sometimes people don't even know that there is a possibility that they might like something new or will at least be able to tolerate something new unless they are exposed to it.

[amy g.]

My 18 year old who has Autism just graduated from our homeschool and started community college. She wasnt ready to start at 15 like her brother did.

 

She did take homeschool classes, but never interacted socially with those kids. I saw nice girls come up and talk to her, and compliment her and try to be friends. She just ignored them. When I asked her why, she said that she can hardly understand them since they use slang.

 

Does your son wish he had more people to interact with? My daughter didn't. She was happy to stay home and only interact with her animals, but I needed her to practice behaving appropriately around people.

 

Does your son have a hobby or obsession? That ended up being our key. My daughter persued her goat business, and met other people obsessed with goats. That is who she made friends with.

 

She is 18, and her best friend is 38. It doesn't matter to either of them.

 

Making her sell at the farmers market has been really good for her. She is willing to do it, because the money she makes pays for her animals. She is getting so much better at talking to strangers and even giving them eye contact.

 

She has grown so much, that I can hardly believe she is the same person she was at 16.

 

Last week, after her first day at CC she was grinning from ear to ear. She loves it, but it is the professors she is excited about, not other teenagers, and that is okay with me.

 

Good luck. I know how scary the whole situation feels.

[Night Elf]

I must not be imaginative because I truly cannot think of a social opportunity. His passion is video games and I did try to find a group through Meetup but nothing that looked appropriate for him. He isn't into role playing games or table top games.

 

He doesn't have a problem interacting with people when he needs to do so. He makes conversation when he knows it's something expected, we just don't have many opportunities to do so. I probably feel worse than he does about him not having any friends. He doesn't seem to care except for a couple of times when he asked how he could make some. That's how I found the Aspie teen group.

 

Mostly I'm worried about him having to go into a college classroom, take notes from a lecture, work in a group if required, take tests within one class period instead of over days like he does now, and turn things in by a deadline. These are things I'm starting to work on with him but it just seems really difficult to emulate a classroom at home.

[amy g.]

My daughter has a very slow processing speed. The special Ed dept at the community college told her to tell them what accomedations she felt like she needed for each class and they would inform the professors.

 

So far she has gotten an exemption for spelling, untimed quizzes, and everything hand scored.

 

I really think that your son will be able to get the modifications he needs.

[Chris in VA]

Perhaps you could start requiring more at home. Maybe get him used to doing tests in one sitting. You could start by "cheating" a little--shorten the test and tell him it has to be done in an hour, or whatever the normal time period would be. Get him used to being able to complete "something" in a shorter amt of time. (You can just give him more frequent tests--really, same content as the regular test, but more often). Then gradually add in all the questions until he is doing tests the "regular" way. Maybe over the course of two months or so? Don't know how often Keystone tests.

 

Can you get some online lectures that he can take notes from? We used TC lectures for The Odyssey specifically so ds could learn to take notes from a lecture (and so he could start to understand more of the literary analysis/symbols/themes/abstract stuff in lit--he was fine with the facts but needed more help making the leap to inferential knowledge).

 

A big help for my son was getting a job. He needed to interact with people, follow directions, meet a deadline, dress appropriately, drive himself to work, etc. He graduated early (tho we had held him back a year) and then got a job for about 6 months before going to college. He grew a lot those 6 months. College and dorm living was really tough--he did not have the fun, "college experience" b/c of his Aspiness. It was kinda hard on me! LOL--BUT he did really do well in his classes, esp those where memorization and factual knowledge were important. That made him feel successful, and success breeds success.

 

Your son can always take online college classes for some of his courses. That might be easier as a transition. Yes, he'll need survival social skills, so maybe work on that. Check with your social class leaders to see if there are things you can work on at home. Sometimes just knowing what is expected in different settings can help--ds has trouble with boundaries sometimes, and appropriate humor, but he has come a long way. I am hoping he gets this job in the Cinema office he is interviewing for today--it will be yet another social setting to teach him, and he will be an excellent worker for them!

 

Good luck! Hang in there--being an Aspie mom is hard work but you are doing a good job. :grouphug:

[Kate in Arabia]

My oldest does not have Asperger's, but I still have the same fears you do. I am hoping it isn't all that uncommon. I'm hampered where I live because there aren't many opportunities for expat kids to get jobs (like a newspaper route or bagging groceries or working in a shop). As another poster mentioned, I bought some TC lectures to start teaching ds how to take notes from a lecture, and I wanted to ease him into some self-sufficiency with homework/assignments, but haven't actually gotten into that yet.

 

One thing I've been doing these past summers is signing him up for a week-long course at a univ where we spend part of our summer vacations. I think it's given him an opportunity to at least see a college campus, and the courses have been engaging enough (and short). I'm debating whether to have him try a full-fledged summer course for credit (that would meet for a couple of months and not just a week). I thought that might offer a chance for him to experience a class when he a) didn't have other coursework to worry about and b) had support around him to help him get the hang of class dynamics.

 

Not much help, but some sympathy?

[Ellie]

"Socialization" doesn't necessarily have to be with age peers or classroom-based. Are there places y'all could volunteer? library? community garden? charitable organizations like a soup kitchen? If he interacts with *older* people now, he'll be more experienced with the those he'll actually be spending time with as an adult, KWIM?

[elegantlion]

I must not be imaginative because I truly cannot think of a social opportunity. His passion is video games and I did try to find a group through Meetup but nothing that looked appropriate for him. He isn't into role playing games or table top games.

 

 

Mostly I'm worried about him having to go into a college classroom, take notes from a lecture, work in a group if required, take tests within one class period instead of over days like he does now, and turn things in by a deadline. These are things I'm starting to work on with him but it just seems really difficult to emulate a classroom at home.

 

The bolded are skills I think many of us worry about. Have you read any posts from Nan about the process to work through those skills, like how to take notes, how to read through and use a text, how to take notes.

 

We're using TTC audio lectures this year. I'm printing the notes, mine have an outline form already. I'm having ds follow through the outline and tell him what to underline or highlight. By the time we finish with the our chosen lectures this year I hope he can do this on his own.

 

Deadlines are my nemesis. I know my weakness, so I"m printing them on the schedule this year. So far (week 5 starting today) ds is responding better to it being on a list than my "gentle" reminders.

 

I'm weaving study skills purposely into every subject. I don't expect him to master all of them this year.

 

Have you read Study is Hard Work? I like it for its simple techniques.

 

As to the first part of your question :grouphug:, I get it. You said he is lonely, does he express that? What kind of games does he play?

[marbel]

I worry about it too. My son is an awkward kid, on the spectrum though not obviously so (hope that is not offensive; just don't know how to word it properly). His interests mostly don't correspond with the other kids he has in his life. For example, he enjoys Boy Scout but doesn't really feel he fits in with the other kids very well and except for one friend, doesn't see the boys outside of Scout activities at all.

 

I try to get him into classes now and then to help with note-taking, homework, etc. Though it's too late for this year, summer daycamps on topics of interest are good too.

 

One thing I'm thinking about is trying to find some public lectures on interesting topics to go to, and seeing if he can take notes. We also use TC lectures. The idea above of short classes that don't offer credit is good too.

 

We are also working harder on deadlines around here. I am terrible at that, and he has some health problems that make it hard for him to work sometimes. But we are working on that.

[sparrow]

My first thought was also getting a job or volunteering. That way the focus isn't on making friends/socializing, but it often happens in the process.

 

We're not quite to note-taking and lecture territory yet, but I dread it.

 

I also have a quirky son. He's pretty happy in his *own* scheduled day, which includes when he'll play video games. We definitely have to give a little push out of his comfort zone every now and again. :grouphug: It's tough.

[EKS]

I homeschooled my older son through the middle of 10th grade. After he aged out of the public homeschool program, he literally had no friends or social life. It was horrible. He spent his days with his brother and me or by himself doing schoolwork all the time. While he was doing well academically, it was *extremely* difficult to enforce deadlines or get him to take notes or really do anything that regular students do in b&m schools. So, because I was also completely burned out, I didn't make him do those things, and so he never learned how.

 

By the middle of 10th grade, I knew something had to change. We had planned for him to go to the local cc for dual enrollment in his final two years of school, but I didn't think that would solve the social problem. What he needed was a community he could be a part of. By some miracle, we found the school that he is attending now. It is small--15 students in his grade--but since it's an IB school there is some outside accountability. We decided not to wait for admission this year and put him in mid year last year, to get him used to all the school stuff he needed to navigate (deadlines etc) and to give him a social life.

 

It was the best decision I've ever made (besides deciding to homeschool him in the first place!). He is happy and has friends. He feels like he is part of a community. The school is not as rigorous as it wants to be, but it isn't horrible either and it's moving in the right direction.

 

I should say that my son had an Asperger's diagnosis at age 9. I don't think it is correct, but there is something there that makes social stuff harder for him. He does have dyslexia and ADHD.

 

You are not overthinking things.

Edited September 4, 2012 by EKS

[Stacy in NJ]

The last one was a restaurant that didn't serve anything he liked. (It was a salad buffet with soup and pasta. And no, he doesn't like any of that.)

 

Hmmmm, This kind of thinking might be a slight problem.

 

When we socialize with friends and meet new people, does it really matter if the food and activity aren't specifically to our liking? The food or restaurant aren't really the point - they're secondary. You might want to encourage a more flexible or creative attitude in circumstances like this. A creative solution might be that he go but only have dessert.

[Starr]

He could take one cc course. A class he is already familiar with. Cut out some other classwork at home so he can focus on this one class and help him through it.

[amy g.]

He could take one cc course. A class he is already familiar with. Cut out some other classwork at home so he can focus on this one class and help him through it.

 

I really agree with this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We are doing the TC lectures too. Also, this year on the advice of someone on the high school board (I can't remember who, sorry), I am making up a syllabus for each subject with set due dates for assignments. I will be walking him through using a planner to record the due dates, pacing out the reading and studying and writing of papers in order to make those due dates. I predict this will be a bit of a struggle for both of us but I really do believe that the end result will make him that much more prepared for college.

[Night Elf]

I appreciate the responses. I didn't mean for it to turn into an Aspie thing because for once it's not what is worrying me. My dd14 was a lonely homeschooler too and she is not an Aspie. The loneliness played a huge factor in us deciding to put her into public high school this year. She is having a difficult time being around so many kids because she was so used to not being around anyone at all. It's like the opposite extreme. I just keep thinking that if I had found more opportunities for her to be social, she would be at home now instead of in school. I'm obviously still trying to adjust to this new stuff. She's also having a tough time adjusting to the level of work. She's not used to having so much in such a short time. I'm looking at ds16 and realizing his transition is going to be at the college level. That is frightening indeed. We're working on the skills though.

 

It's just that sometimes I wish I hadn't heard of homeschooling. I've been doing this over 10 years now. I got used to it and loved the lifestyle. But now that my kids are older, I'm just seeing it all in a different light.

[Night Elf]

As to the first part of your question :grouphug:, I get it. You said he is lonely, does he express that? What kind of games does he play?

 

He doesn't seem too bothered by it anymore. It's just the way our lives are. He plays first person shooter games mostly. I don't really know much more than that. He's currently playing Stalker on the computer which is a game set in the Chernobyl area. He also plays Battlefield 3, either PS3 or XBox360, I don't know. He used to play a lot more that he does now. I've seen his obsession change only twice in his life but I'm thinking that video games might be becoming less of an obsession. He has not become interested in anything else though. Mostly he just surfs the internet reading all kinds of stuff. I think it's mostly focused on science and history.

[Night Elf]

"Socialization" doesn't necessarily have to be with age peers or classroom-based. Are there places y'all could volunteer? library? community garden? charitable organizations like a soup kitchen? If he interacts with *older* people now, he'll be more experienced with the those he'll actually be spending time with as an adult, KWIM?

 

I have looked a couple of times but I didn't do a very good job of it because I couldn't find anything in our area. I did ask him about volunteering at the humane society but he doesn't have enough of an interest in animals to do that. Our library doesn't have any open volunteer spots but I'm on their email list for when something does open.

 

I've thought about him working part-time but he isn't yet ready to do that. He'll be 17 next summer and I think I'll encourage him then.

[Night Elf]

By some miracle, we found the school that he is attending now. It is small--15 students in his grade--but since it's an IB school there is some outside accountability.

 

Oh that sounds cool. The only secular private school I can find is way, way too expensive for us. It's about $17K a year. Even the religious schools are out of our league. I wish our state had part-time ps enrollment, but it's all or nothing here. I think some outside classes would be great.

[Pretty in Pink]

I do think that socialization is important and I do think that developing same-age friendships is valuable. Does your ds have any other interests that perhaps aren't coming to mind? Would he enjoy a bowling league?

 

I sort of worry about the same thing. My ds is the type to have one or two close friends rather than a wide, extended network of friends. That's fine, but we just moved over the summer and now he's back down to zero. He's at that age where he needs a good buddy or two. He just does. We require two activities at all times so he's found a Boy Scout troop that he likes and he's going to do youth bowling league.

 

I know it's tough. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

Hmmmm, This kind of thinking might be a slight problem.

 

When we socialize with friends and meet new people, does it really matter if the food and activity aren't specifically to our liking? The food or restaurant aren't really the point - they're secondary. You might want to encourage a more flexible or creative attitude in circumstances like this. A creative solution might be that he go but only have dessert.

 

No, that would have been uncomfortable to sit at a table while everyone else was eating and asking why he wasn't eating too. I can't agree that paying full price for a full buffet for him to have a dish of frozen yogurt is a good idea. FWIW, not many people showed up at that gathering. They do better when they meet at a pizza buffet. I'm suggesting that for this month.

 

We did invite one of the guys to the movies this past weekend. That was nice for the guys to have some time together.

[EKS]

Oh that sounds cool. The only secular private school I can find is way, way too expensive for us. It's about $17K a year.

 

Private schools tend to offer more financial aid than most people think. Actually, what it is is they discount the tuition depending on ability to pay (and the income you need to qualify is higher than most people think). The average tuition that my son's school actually sees on a per student basis is *half* of what they charge for tuition. Meaning that lots of people are qualifying (and we live in a moderately affluent area).

 

Anyway, if you're interested, it may be more affordable than you think.

 

I hope you find a way through this whole thing. It is so hard to balance everything in the high school years!