how do you handle differences with your partner with re: to parenting?

[jackson'smama]

i am frustrated right now b/c dh and i are in disagreement over parenting issues. i feel like he is impatient, has too high expectations, yells too much, and just sometimes says hurtful things. he turns to me and is ticked b/c i "think i'm always right" and i'm not on his side.

it feels like a situtation we can't get past and our oldest is 8!!!!!!

help!

[carriede]

:grouphug:

 

:bigear:

[jackson'smama]

bump :)

[IsabelC]

First pick a partner whose opinions aren't diametrically opposed to yours on every topic ;)

 

 

Some things that actually work for me:

 

1. Lots and lots of discussions, so we really understand each other's POV

 

2. Pick my battles. Know when to let him have his own way. Also know when to when to ask him to trust me even though I can't convince him I'm right. Luckily for me, the things he puts his foot down about are often the very same things that I've decided aren't hills to die on.

[Haupia]

:iagree:

 

 

I guess I would say before ever talking about the behavior issue, Iwould sit down one night and really deeply discuss how you want your family to be raised and your home to be like, without discussing the issue. What kind of parents you want to be. What kind of relationships you want with your kids. What kind of expectations you have for cleanliness and behavior. Right it down. I found my dh and I had very similar wants.....but maybe lack of knowledge on how to get there. So when something arose, there were just fireworks. Once we both knew what we wanted we came up with a mutual plan to get there. It totally helped....and we're still working on it. This does not happen overnight.

 

Also, when it comes to this certain issues. Listen completely without interruption and ask question to try and completely understand what he is expecting of the kids. A lot of times my dh and I wanted the same things but said it differently. Also, you can't discuss it in front of the kids, or while you are both mad. You both have to take a deep breath and say I want to hear your side. then try and come up with something that you both agree on, even if it means not going with either of your ideas. I found a lot of times my husband and I disliked the same behavior, but because I handled it different than him, he thought approved the behavior. Once he understood we were on the same page we were able to come up with a plan of attack, or I had more freedom to do it the way I want.

LOVE the book 7 habits of an effective family. Huge life changer. Hope that helps. :001_smile:

Edited September 2, 2012 by Haupia
Dang auto correct gave changed words completely

[dirty ethel rackham]

In my house, the expert wins any disagreements. I have read over 30 parenting books. My husband hasn't read any. I parent 24/7. He parents from the time he gets home from work until bedtime. We have discussed parenting styles and he agrees with me and defers to me for the most part. He has brought up issues where he disagreed with how I was handling things, and he was mostly right - I was too emotionally involved to see things clearly.

 

This is a slipper slope here as far as board rules go, but I was ask my husband if he wanted his child to emulate this behavior. Ask him how his tactics are working? Maybe they work in the short run, but what is the long-term cost? Is this the parent he wants to be remembered as? Would he want this child to treat another child this way? How would he feel if another person talked to his son that way? If it were my husband, I would tell him to put his big boy pants on and learn some patience. This isn't about taking sides. Parenting should not be an adversarial relationship. I am all for a united front, but not when one parent is acting like a child.

 

If this was really becoming a problem in the marriage, I would take it to counseling. Having an outside party can be really helpful. Just know that the counselor will have to make both parties feel like they are being heard. If they don't, then it is probably not the right counselor.