Choosing to live close to family, when your spouse...

[Juniper]

...has to work far away? If you have chosen to do this, maybe only seeing your spouse once a month or less, can you tell me how it is going?

 

I am home visiting my mother right now. I can see that she needs me. It is complicated, but it involves aging parents, small buisnesses, and health issues. The house next door to her has become availble and our lease is almost up in Houston.

 

Dh and I have a very good relationship, and he will start looking for work in the closest large city, but for a season we will be apart.

 

We already have the Skype thing down, and the kids seem to be doing really well under the influence of their grandparents and great grandmother. I have good help here, as well as being in a position to help.

 

I also have good church support already in place here.

 

Please feel free to share with me how this has worked out for you.

 

Thanks!

[elegantlion]

We did it for 7 months seeing dh every 3-4 weeks for a day or two. It worked out okay for me as I had support. It was very stressful for him because he didn't have support.

 

It did take us about 7 months to get back in our family routines. We had created our own habits of eating, sleep schedules, etc.

 

When we moved again dh ended up working out of town for several weeks at a time. Again, knowing it was temporary was good and it all worked out.

 

If it is for a season and a purpose, such as helping parents, I think it can work out. As a permanent lifestyle of being apart, it wouldn't work for us.

[Juniper]

We did it for 7 months seeing dh every 3-4 weeks for a day or two. It worked out okay for me as I had support. It was very stressful for him because he didn't have support.

 

It did take us about 7 months to get back in our family routines. We had created our own habits of eating, sleep schedules, etc.

 

When we moved again dh ended up working out of town for several weeks at a time. Again, knowing it was temporary was good and it all worked out.

 

If it is for a season and a purpose, such as helping parents, I think it can work out. As a permanent lifestyle of being apart, it wouldn't work for us.

 

We are thinking it is a quasi permanent scenario. Dh's work is now project based, and although this project is really long...others may not be. This would give a us a good base camp of support. Originally, I thought we would just travel with dh to the various projects, but I amseeing that as my kids age that is getting harder and harder on them :(.

 

We can fly him home a minimum of once a month for 5-7 days. Some months we might be able to work two trips home.

 

He has a great support network in Houston.

[Impish]

I couldn't hack it as a lifestyle. Just couldn't. My marriage, and Wolf's relationship to the kids, would suffer, and there's no way I'd willingly make a choice that would bring that about.

[elegantlion]

We are thinking it is a quasi permanent scenario. Dh's work is now project based, and although this project is really long...others may not be. This would give a us a good base camp of support. Originally, I thought we would just travel with dh to the various projects, but I amseeing that as my kids age that is getting harder and harder on them :(.

 

We can fly him home a minimum of once a month for 5-7 days. Some months we might be able to work two trips home.

 

He has a great support network in Houston.

 

I believe your family could make this work. We moved back to be closer to family, but dh is needed as part of that support for them. If YOU feel okay with your role near your mother, I think it's a good idea.

 

I would take advantage of that time with dad and homeschooling will give your opportunity to be flexible when he is with you.

[Juniper]

I couldn't hack it as a lifestyle. Just couldn't. My marriage, and Wolf's relationship to the kids, would suffer, and there's no way I'd willingly make a choice that would bring that about.

 

There was a time I could never have imagined it either!!! ;)

[Impish]

There was a time I could never have imagined it either!!! ;)

Actually, we've done a similar path, which is why I say I'd never willingly choose it.

 

When we were first married, Wolf was in industrial sales and marketing. He was on the road more than he was home. It was awful. If he'd stayed there, neither of us think we'd still be married.

 

So, I'm basing my response on our experience. If him being gone that much caused misery, there's no way I'd choose to do it again. ;)

[regentrude]

We have done 8 years of long distance relationship. Two years where we were 1,000 miles apart and could see each other twice a month for a weekend; several years of weekly weekends; twice four months with overseas separation and no visits. You get used to it, but it is hard with little kids (I do not fondly remember the year with a newborn and a 2y/o).

But, if you say he can be home at least once a month for 5-7 days in one stretch, and possible twice, that is pretty good and workable in the long run.

How old are your kids?

[Dory]

There are lots of families up here that only see their spouse, at most, a week every month. The daddy of the girls I watch, basically see their daddy in the summer. In the winter he will stop at home every once in awhile during the winter for the night but the kids never really see him in the winter. In our house my dh works like crazy in the winter and we basically just see him as he is packing more food to take with him to the next job.

 

It's a doable lifestyle.

[Mom in High Heels]

We did it for a while and I wouldn't do it again (except when the army forces us to). When James Bond was stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY, I worked in real estate and a position came open working as a Land Agent for an oil company in the ST. Louis area, which is about 3 hours away. The salary was 6 figures and we decided it would be a good opportunity to make a lot of money and pay off bills.

 

Indy and I moved to the STL area and JB stayed at Ft. C. We saw him about 2 times a month (sometimes 3) for 2-3 days at a time. It put a strain on our relationship because we were essentially living different lives and it made the dynamics of his relationship with Indy strange. It was hard for Indy to see him only a few days out of every month and it was difficult for him to accept him as an authority figure because Indy knew he's just be gone in a day or two.

 

I did the job for 2 years when JB got orders to AZ for 10 months. For 6 of those months I stayed on the job and we bought airline tickets when one of us could get away, but we didn't have a partnership, IMO. I finally decided my marriage and Indy being with his father were the most important things, quit my job, packed our stuff and drove to AZ.

 

Of course my situation was different than the one you described and I get that there are other family members involved, but I would find a different solution for my nuclear family than one that involves splitting up my immediate family.

[Juniper]

Actually, we've done a similar path, which is why I say I'd never willingly choose it.

 

When we were first married, Wolf was in industrial sales and marketing. He was on the road more than he was home. It was awful. If he'd stayed there, neither of us think we'd still be married.

 

So, I'm basing my response on our experience. If him being gone that much caused misery, there's no way I'd choose to do it again. ;)

 

 

I understand. I feel a little guilty that I am not more miserable without him. :tongue_smilie:

 

i think a big difference is the good relationship I have with my mother and grandmother. It is hard to explain, but it is based on mutual respect and good boundaries...along with a lot of humor!!! My siblings and I get along well to, and this is where I went to highschool and community college so I have friends.

 

I couldn't even consider this without that aspect. The idea of doing it totally alone would be impossible!

 

Also, I think it is hard to miss him with the constant contact we can have. He IM's through the day, video chats with the kids at lunch and me in the evening. The video chats are hilarious!!!

Edited August 31, 2012 by Juniper

[Just Kate]

We do (sort of) what you are talking about. Dh works for 15-16 days at a time out of town and then is home for 5-6 days. Luckily, before we started living like this, we moved back to my hometown, so I am surrounded by family and a few friends from childhood. I know that I couldn't have done it where we lived previously (well, I could have, but it would have been much more difficult!).

 

I work part-time and just this year decided to put the kids in school. If I could quit my job (not quite yet, but hopefully next summer), then dh's work situation would have been perfect! We would focus on school while he is gone and then on his days off, we would just enjoy time with daddy. But since the kids are in school, it won't work quite that way (they have to go to school whether daddy is home or not). Also, just one week into school and I am finding that it is harder than I imagined managing the kids, their school, my job and the house all by myself!

 

However, dh is making better money than he has ever made and he has finally found a career that makes him happy, so this is working for us. It certainly isn't ideal, but really, is anything ever just the way you want it to be??? (not in my life it isn't!)

 

I understand. I feel a little guilty that I am not more miserable without him. :tongue_smilie:

 

i think a big difference is the good relationship I have with my mother and grandmother. It is hard to explain, but it is based on mutual respect and good boundaries...along with a lot of humor!!! My siblings and I get along well to, and this is where I went to highschool and community college so I have friends.

 

I couldn't even consider this without that aspect. The idea of doing it totally alone would be impossible!

 

Also, I think it is hard to miss him with the constant contact we can have. He IM's through the day, video chats with the kids at lunch and me in the evening. The video chats are hilarious!!!

 

Regarding the bolded above...while I love it when dh comes home, it is funny how he messes up my little world a little! After being gone 2 weeks+ we really do get set in our own little routines that don't include him. I thought I would be absolutely miserable without dh, but amazingly, I'm not! And I do feel a little guilty because of this...just a little...:D

[Impish]

I'm probably not going to say this properly. So, please understand that I'm speaking from knowing *my* husband, how he feels and thinks.

 

Knowing *my* husband, he would be hurt and resent the idea that I would be ok w/being so far from him, only seeing him a few days a mth vs being w/him and seeing family a few days a mth. He, our marriage, our family, is the priority. I'm not saying you don't feel the same, I'm just saying I know how it would make my husband feel, and that would be that I was choosing others over him, our marriage and family.

 

I'm not saying your dh is/should feel like Wolf would, but I would gently suggest that you have a very open and honest convo about that possibility.

[Juniper]

I'm probably not going to say this properly. So, please understand that I'm speaking from knowing *my* husband, how he feels and thinks.

 

Knowing *my* husband, he would be hurt and resent the idea that I would be ok w/being so far from him, only seeing him a few days a mth vs being w/him and seeing family a few days a mth. He, our marriage, our family, is the priority. I'm not saying you don't feel the same, I'm just saying I know how it would make my husband feel, and that would be that I was choosing others over him, our marriage and family.

 

I'm not saying your dh is/should feel like Wolf would, but I would gently suggest that you have a very open and honest convo about that possibility.

 

We have talked about this. I had a meltdown the other night saying I felt like I was abandoning him. Bad meltdown.

[Incognito]

From what you have described, it could work very well. Him being home 1/4 the month (or more), and able to keep in touch so well... along with you having good support with your family... In a situation like that, if your DH could handle it, I would give it a solid try. It isn't permanent. Plan to re-evaluate in 6 months or a year.

[La Texican]

My hubby works in the oilfield. He's gone for seven days then he's home for seven days. At first I thought I was going to hate the schedule. Really, the week goes fast. We do several calls a day. When he's home he's home. It's actually much nicer than when he left after breakfast and didn't get home until dinner time, exhausted. We do stuff. He's here during the day. We relax. We do stuff. It really is nice this way. We call it "half-way retired" because of the extra long weekends.

[higginszoo]

We did it for a while when the dc were small (1, 3 and 4) ... it was supposed to be so I would have help, because not only was he working far away, but he was working ridiculously long items. So, the family was supposed to be a help to me, they weren't at a point where they needed help. The reality was, they were no help. I went and stayed out there for a week, and he was more help in the few hours he was home that our quality of life was better in a hotel room than it was at home. So we picked up and moved. If it were the other way around, with the family members needing help, and if the dc were older, it might have been different.

[nono]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Susan C.]

I don't know if I would want to help elderly family with health issues and raise my children mostly alone. That would be a lot. I am very far from my mom and have told her that if she needs care, she has to come to my home/city.

[Juniper]

I don't know if I would want to help elderly family with health issues and raise my children mostly alone. That would be a lot. I am very far from my mom and have told her that if she needs care, she has to come to my home/city.

 

I did not go into a lot of details on this, mostly because I know many will not relate. My mother is in fine health, but she is the sole caretaker for my grandmother who is not (My grandmother is very close to being a second mother to me though as I was born to a teen mom.) . But, my mother cannot continue to support herself and care for grandmother. Grandmother is not ready for nursing care, but if she is not with my mom she will be with her two other daughters and I can tell you that will end in a case of elder abuse. It is not going to happen. In sense, this is a dynamic of the women in my family pulling together help one another in mutually beneficial ways.

 

So, I will have my very healthy mother's support, but we will be more of team holding one another up.

 

Honestly, I just do not know if it is wise for us to move project to project with dh. I am starting to think having a stable homebase is a better option.

[missmoe]

We did it for about 10 months. I wouldn't do it again. It was hard on the kids. It was hard on me. It was hard on my dh.

 

My dh was able to come home for 10 days every 3 or 4 weeks. We looked forward to him coming home, but it was hard to have any kind of routine during that time he was home. The kids are so excited to see him when he got home. When he was home our lives were like a vacation. He would leave and it was time to get back to school and real life and routine. That would take a week or more to get back in the groove and then it would soon be time for him to be home again.

 

My oldest who was 13/14 during that time had the hardest time without his dad being home. He acted out in various ways, and I didn't have the support of a husband. It was so bad that we thought about him going with my dh back to work, but could never find a way to make it work. Instead, we ended up moving so we could all be together again. We gave up a ton to move---a comfortable three story home for a tiny town house, many friends, an awesome neighborhood and neighbors, a wonderful church, ect but I wouldn't do anything different if I had to do it again.

 

I had a wonderful support system, but missed my husband all the time! And he missed me. We are each other's best friends and need to see each other often.

 

Hope you find something that works for everyone in your family.

[Juniper]

We did it for about 10 months. I wouldn't do it again. It was hard on the kids. It was hard on me. It was hard on my dh.

 

My dh was able to come home for 10 days every 3 or 4 weeks. We looked forward to him coming home, but it was hard to have any kind of routine during that time he was home. The kids are so excited to see him when he got home. When he was home our lives were like a vacation. He would leave and it was time to get back to school and real life and routine. That would take a week or more to get back in the groove and then it would soon be time for him to be home again.

 

My oldest who was 13/14 during that time had the hardest time without his dad being home. He acted out in various ways, and I didn't have the support of a husband. It was so bad that we thought about him going with my dh back to work, but could never find a way to make it work. Instead, we ended up moving so we could all be together again. We gave up a ton to move---a comfortable three story home for a tiny town house, many friends, an awesome neighborhood and neighbors, a wonderful church, ect but I wouldn't do anything different if I had to do it again.

 

I had a wonderful support system, but missed my husband all the time! And he missed me. We are each other's best friends and need to see each other often.

 

Hope you find something that works for everyone in your family.

 

Thank you! What you describe with your son is one of my bigger concerns, and something we are thinking long and hard about. Any of our kids could feasibly be sent to dh if needed at that age.

[Juniper]

I have been thinking a lot about this today. We have 3 major issues going on.

 

1. is the community isolation "I" feel living out in the middle of nowhere. I have talked with the family about selling the animals and moving into town, but I KNOW my children and this would just be one more loss for them. Dh works a lot and I am developing a deep depressive lonliness.

 

2. is related but different. It is homeschooling itself, in this present isolated place. I don't have the funds to drive into town a lot, and the culture is very different than one i relate to. This might be different in a different part of the area, but I am finding that prices have gone up just in the last two years. I really cannot afford to move within the outlying (that would provide the artsy/liberal culture) areas of Houston.

 

3. Is the constant heat. I was born in the mountains, raised in Alaska. I thought being closer to the Gulf would help, but I suffer from a deep seasonal depression, different than many. When it rains or is cloudy I am happy, constant sun makes me want to hibernate until it snows.

 

If I could resolve any two of these issues I could handle the third, but I am overwhelmed.

 

Sorry, if this sounds whiny. It is just what I have been thinking about today.

[Dynamite5]

I have been thinking a lot about this today. We have 3 major issues going on.

 

1. is the community isolation "I" feel living out in the middle of nowhere. I have talked with the family about selling the animals and moving into town, but I KNOW my children and this would just be one more loss for them. Dh works a lot and I am developing a deep depressive lonliness.

 

2. is related but different. It is homeschooling itself, in this present isolated place. I don't have the funds to drive into town a lot, and the culture is very different than one i relate to. This might be different in a different part of the area, but I am finding that prices have gone up just in the last two years. I really cannot afford to move within the outlying (that would provide the artsy/liberal culture) areas of Houston.

 

3. Is the constant heat. I was born in the mountains, raised in Alaska. I thought being closer to the Gulf would help, but I suffer from a deep seasonal depression, different than many. When it rains or is cloudy I am happy, constant sun makes me want to hibernate until it snows.

 

If I could resolve any two of these issues I could handle the third, but I am overwhelmed.

 

Sorry, if this sounds whiny. It is just what I have been thinking about today.

 

Honestly, I think you just need to give yourself permission to admit to you that you WANT to do this! There's absolutely nothing wrong with helping out your extended family--it's done in many, many parts of the world. It's also ok that you and your husband have a quality relationship without being tied together at the hip! (In many cultures, there's no pressure to be a "good spouse" and to meet every need.) I think it's great that you feel this is a good option for your family.

 

Recognizing that you'll be moving to a place with more support and that makes you more comfortable weather-wise is a good starting place. Lots of people live where that's not the case!

 

If your husband agrees, leave the situation that makes you unhappy and don't ask permission from others--just GO! :D :auto:

[missmoe]

Juniper,

 

It sounds like your solution of moving to be near family is a way of dealing with a lifestyle that isn't working for your family right now. Where you live and your husband's job are things that can be changed. Is it possible your husband could look for another job that would allow him to be in one place long term? Could that place be somewhere you are more comfortable living? or somewhere near your parents and grandparents? And if not now, could it be a goal your family could work towards?

 

And about kids going with dad when he goes back to work, what about them not being with you and their siblings?

[blondeviolin]

I wouldn't.

 

My husband's SIL chose to move home rather than follow on with her husband to additional training (they are Navy). We tried everything we could think of to encourage her to go with him for those nine months. She chose to move "back home" instead. It has put a huge strain on her, her kids, her husband, and all of their relationships.

 

We have spent months apart because my husband IS military. I wouldn't do it voluntarily.

[justamouse]

3. Is the constant heat. I was born in the mountains, raised in Alaska. I thought being closer to the Gulf would help, but I suffer from a deep seasonal depression, different than many. When it rains or is cloudy I am happy, constant sun makes me want to hibernate until it snows.

 

 

 

I thought I was the only one like that. After three days of sun, I want to scream for someone to *turn the lights off*. I tolerate summer. (The hotter it gets here, the more I talk about moving to Seattle. The summers have gotten really bad here) If I were where you are, I would feel like someone was aiming a magnifying glass on me. I am extremely sensitive to my environment.

 

I've never lived without Dh, but if I were you, going on what you've shared, I would do it. I couldn't live like that, either.

Edited August 31, 2012 by justamouse

[Juniper]

Honestly, I think you just need to give yourself permission to admit to you that you WANT to do this! There's absolutely nothing wrong with helping out your extended family--it's done in many, many parts of the world. It's also ok that you and your husband have a quality relationship without being tied together at the hip! (In many cultures, there's no pressure to be a "good spouse" and to meet every need.) I think it's great that you feel this is a good option for your family.

 

Recognizing that you'll be moving to a place with more support and that makes you more comfortable weather-wise is a good starting place. Lots of people live where that's not the case!

 

If your husband agrees, leave the situation that makes you unhappy and don't ask permission from others--just GO! :D :auto:

 

Thank you! I needed to here that. I KNOW it, but it is so easy to forget. A huge part of me does want it. I just want to have my cake and eat it to, but I am struggling with the shame of not being a good spouse. This is not coming from dh, but is a throw back to some Patriarchy issues.

 

Before I cam out to visit, it was in the realm of "I" wanted this and it would potentialy be good for the kids. After visiting here, and seeing my mother and grandmother, hearing the strain, listening to the calls from the other sisters circleing like vultures...it is just one more reason.

[Juniper]

Juniper,

 

It sounds like your solution of moving to be near family is a way of dealing with a lifestyle that isn't working for your family right now. Where you live and your husband's job are things that can be changed. Is it possible your husband could look for another job that would allow him to be in one place long term? Could that place be somewhere you are more comfortable living? or somewhere near your parents and grandparents? And if not now, could it be a goal your family could work towards?

 

And about kids going with dad when he goes back to work, what about them not being with you and their siblings?

 

 

He is going to be looking. Until I can help a bit with the finaces, he will need to stay project based. That won't stop him from applying and searching, but it is not a quick fix.

 

The fact that the house right next door to my mother became availble has bumped up our timeline a bit. Still, if we sign another year lease we are going to be in the same situation in another year.

 

If I do this now, there will be nothing stopping him from accepting a closer position.

[missmoe]

Juniper,

 

Pray about it and if it's right listen to Dynamite and do what you need to do!

[In the Rain]

It sounds like you've made up your mind. None of us really know your family or your circumstances. Do what you need to do. :grouphug: It wouldn't work for my family, but you're not me- and you've really thought out all of the angles about this.

[Sneezyone]

Honestly, I think you just need to give yourself permission to admit to you that you WANT to do this! There's absolutely nothing wrong with helping out your extended family--it's done in many, many parts of the world. It's also ok that you and your husband have a quality relationship without being tied together at the hip! (In many cultures, there's no pressure to be a "good spouse" and to meet every need.) I think it's great that you feel this is a good option for your family.

 

Recognizing that you'll be moving to a place with more support and that makes you more comfortable weather-wise is a good starting place. Lots of people live where that's not the case!

 

If your husband agrees, leave the situation that makes you unhappy and don't ask permission from others--just GO! :D :auto:

 

:iagree: WELL SAID! Speaking as someone who's doing this right now, you can be OK. Your kids can be OK and so can your marriage. The pull of patriarchy is very strong but don't let yourself take on the burden of other people's expectations. At the end of the day, only you and your husband know what's best for your family.

Edited September 1, 2012 by Sneezyone

[katilac]

It's not something my family could do. I have kids who need the "every dayness" of dad, and, personally, if I routinely went three weeks at a time without drinking teA, I would be a very cranky mom. ((yes, I would miss his witty banter, too))

 

The three issues you list, are those related to where you live when you are NOT by your mom's house, or when you are? If it is your current living situation, and not at your mom's house, I would really urge you to address that first, and separately, from the decision to move near your family.

 

If the kids can handle a big move that entails a lot less of dad, they can handle a smaller move that entails fewer animals, kwim? I know it might seem silly or overwhelming to say, "make a small move now, and you can always make the bigger move in future," but this is a huge, huge lifestyle decision you're making here. I think you need to make sure you are not making it partially as an escape from your current situation, or as a result of depression.

 

I'm not discounting what you said about costs, but I would be looking for other areas to cut in order to move closer to town. Tell everyone you know that you are looking, post it on Facebook, whatever. There is usually more available than what you find at first glance. If you get to a place that is less oppressive to you, it will be easier to think this through. I personally would not even factor in the house next to your mom's being available right now - other houses will become available that are close enough, and honestly, next door is MIGHTY close!

[Harriet Vane]

It's not something my family could do. I have kids who need the "every dayness" of dad, and, personally, if I routinely went three weeks at a time without drinking teA, I would be a very cranky mom. ((yes, I would miss his witty banter, too))

 

The three issues you list, are those related to where you live when you are NOT by your mom's house, or when you are? If it is your current living situation, and not at your mom's house, I would really urge you to address that first, and separately, from the decision to move near your family.

 

If the kids can handle a big move that entails a lot less of dad, they can handle a smaller move that entails fewer animals, kwim? I know it might seem silly or overwhelming to say, "make a small move now, and you can always make the bigger move in future," but this is a huge, huge lifestyle decision you're making here. I think you need to make sure you are not making it partially as an escape from your current situation, or as a result of depression.

 

I'm not discounting what you said about costs, but I would be looking for other areas to cut in order to move closer to town. Tell everyone you know that you are looking, post it on Facebook, whatever. There is usually more available than what you find at first glance. If you get to a place that is less oppressive to you, it will be easier to think this through. I personally would not even factor in the house next to your mom's being available right now - other houses will become available that are close enough, and honestly, next door is MIGHTY close!

 

:iagree: