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If you were publicly *dumped* from a project lead...


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...because someone was more confident to lead that project than you apparently were...how would you proceed to participate in that project with any confidence at all? I should add that this is a voluntary position. Thanks for your insights!

Edited by Blueridge
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by being the best darn participate I could be, with no snarky-ness, attitude or gossip. March back in there and be the best little worker they have.

 

When this happened to me, I discovered that I had certain abilities that I hadn't used in the past to their fullness. God then was able to develop those abilities and now I have a completely different area of ministry where I am more than confident, and I'm much more relaxed!

 

Look at this time as God pruning you because he has something WWWAAAAYYYY better then what you had before.

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You go in and do the best job you can and do your best to let the other person lead. Ideally they would put you on a different project, but I have worked for companies where that does not happen. Encourage those who still want to follow you to follow the new lead. It isn't easy, but it can be done. You are being paid to do a job and just do the best that you can.

 

ETA: I don't know if I missed that it was a volunteer position or if added that I after I posted. That changes things. If it is something that you believe in then don't be involved in anything leadership related and just volunteer to help by bringing things in or whatever. If it isn't something that you are a big supporter of, I would probably move on.

Edited by Mama Geek
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I think I need more information about this. How were you publicly dumped? Did you know in advance that it was going to happen? Had you been warned about deficits in your leadership? Do they even want you to participate?

 

A volunteer job is like a real job once someone is in a roll, leadership/management that is good will take certain steps before relieving someone of their post. I can't tell if this was done with you are not.

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One day you are the lead, and the next day it is announced that someone else is now in the lead. The only explanation is obvious to all those participating in the project...lack of confidence and talent. The position was much loved, at times even idolized but somewhat feared (publically) at the same time because of its magnitude, explaining everyone's perception that it was a lack of confidence at leading.

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I know I should say something politically correct and kind and sweet and "turn the other cheek" here, but if I'm going to be even remotely honest, I have to say that I would confidently tell this particular group exactly what they could do with their stinking, lousy project, and then I would quit.

 

If they publicly dumped you with no respect for your feelings, they don't deserve to have you as a volunteer. If you remain as part of the project, you'll look like a sap.

 

Sorry. I know I sound mean, but I hate to hear that you were treated so poorly. :grouphug:

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Honestly I'd probably feel too humiliated to go back and participate.

 

I know I should say something politically correct and kind and sweet and "turn the other cheek" here, but if I'm going to be even remotely honest, I have to say that I would confidently tell this particular group exactly what they could do with their stinking, lousy project, and then I would quit.

 

If they publicly dumped you with no respect for your feelings, they don't deserve to have you as a volunteer. If you remain as part of the project, you'll look like a sap.

 

Sorry. I know I sound mean, but I hate to hear that you were treated so poorly. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

There is no way I could continue volunteering there after being treated in such a way.

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Sometimes it is really helpful for me to try and see what lessons I need to learn out of a situation like this. Don't waste it away, but seek out all the wisdom there is to learn here...Yes, it will take humility :) not hard, but a wise woman doesn't always choose the easiest attitude :)

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I recently backed out of a group after someone tried to force me to do something I didn't have time for. When I said I wouldn't do it I was called fun names and painted in a bad light by the leader. I thought for awhile that we would return but just lay low but my husband said he didn't want me anywhere near said "leader" as he felt something like this would happen for a week. I'm sitting out for now and waiting to see what happens with a group. This was a volunteer position as well.

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One day you are the lead, and the next day it is announced that someone else is now in the lead. The only explanation is obvious to all those participating in the project...lack of confidence and talent. The position was much loved, at times even idolized but somewhat feared (publically) at the same time because of its magnitude, explaining everyone's perception that it was a lack of confidence at leading.

 

:grouphug:

 

I don't know, it would depend on how I felt. Are there assertions correct? Why were you given the leadership position in the first place? Lack of other volunteers? Had you been given the opportunity to rise to the occasion?

 

I don't know, I'm a better follower than leader, but if you put me in charge I'd like the chance to prove I can do it. If you yank my position before I'd had a chance, I might be more than miffed.

 

If you're breathing a sigh of relief maybe I'd stay involved. If not, I might back out of the whole thing.

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I know I should say something politically correct and kind and sweet and "turn the other cheek" here, but if I'm going to be even remotely honest, I have to say that I would confidently tell this particular group exactly what they could do with their stinking, lousy project, and then I would quit.

 

If they publicly dumped you with no respect for your feelings, they don't deserve to have you as a volunteer. If you remain as part of the project, you'll look like a sap.

 

Sorry. I know I sound mean, but I hate to hear that you were treated so poorly. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: with all of it. I don't have any great love of being the leader - organizing volunteers is like pushing jello up a cliff - and I'm happy to do my bits and avoid the whole coordination thing. I would even be fine handing over leadership to someone else and focusing on specific tasks.

 

But I would not lend my talents to an effort where I was treated like that. That's just offensive.

 

(and from now on, I'm just going to let Cat post for me. Just put my name on whatever you come up with, too, ok?)

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Thank you all. I didn't get much sleep so I am sounding more melodramatic than usual :tongue_smilie: but this hurt to the bone. I've always been somewhat of a wallflower, for this reason...to be found lacking and then be discarded. I really don't want to participate in this project any further, but I am afraid of how that would look...immature, lack of humility, who knows what. I think I've had enough life lessons for 10 lifetimes :D and I really didn't feel that I deserved this kind of public embarrassment. Oh well.

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Blue, in that case I would totally walk away. There is no reason to subject yourself to more self-degrading feelings. It is perfectly ok to once in awhile do what is actually best for YOU rather than always "taking that high road".

 

(from someone who usually takes the high road, but lately has been very tired of it...:glare:)

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Thank you all. I didn't get much sleep so I am sounding more melodramatic than usual :tongue_smilie: but this hurt to the bone. I've always been somewhat of a wallflower, for this reason...to be found lacking and then be discarded. I really don't want to participate in this project any further, but I am afraid of how that would look...immature, lack of humility, who knows what. I think I've had enough life lessons for 10 lifetimes :D and I really didn't feel that I deserved this kind of public embarrassment. Oh well.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is a VOLUNTEER position. You have no obligation to them other than that you've offered your time.

 

Wish them the best, and walk away.

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I was pushed out of a volunteer position that was very dear to me. The other people involved would say I quit, however they made it very clear I should go. It hurt bad. I had to make myself very distant. The people involved were people I counted as friends, but with the level of betrayal I cannot trust them again. After a few months passed one of them approached about being so distant saying "the past is past." I'm sorry I need a boundary. Then the other act overly friendly. Ick. I can be cordial that's it.

 

2 years have past. The program has been having problems in the area that I was managing. One of the people asked me to come back. Uh--NO. Not with the same people involved. I don't need to be beat up again.

 

So, long story, but in your situation, I would leave the whole project.

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I really don't want to participate in this project any further, but I am afraid of how that would look..

 

:grouphug: *They* should be ashamed for their insensitivity in handling this whole thing. I bet you'd have felt differently if someone discussed with you in private why they felt they needed a leadership change for the project. It wouldn't hurt any less, but it would allow for a more . . . gracious (if that's the right word) . . . transition. I was in that spot once but told privately. Yes, it hurt, but after I had time to think I realized the person who told me was right and that he told me because he cared about me. And I then did what I could to change the situation. And things did get better. I was not removed from the leadership position and it wasn't discussed with others. If it had been public? I would be too hurt to move on; I would have felt attacked and would not have been ready to make the changes I needed to.

 

It might be good to step back from the project anyway. You might need some breathing room to process and heal from this hurt. :grouphug:

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Blue, in that case I would totally walk away. There is no reason to subject yourself to more self-degrading feelings. It is perfectly ok to once in awhile do what is actually best for YOU rather than always "taking that high road".

 

(from someone who usually takes the high road, but lately has been very tired of it...:glare:)

 

So true. Unfortunately, I think people who think it's ok to do things like publicly degrade people passive-aggressively are the same ones who will say snide things about "how it looks": you're unwilling to help unless you can lead, sore loser, etc.

 

If you do how out - and I think you should - I would definitely make it clear that you are doing so because of the public insult, not because you're high and mighty and bent on being in charge.

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Thank you all. I didn't get much sleep so I am sounding more melodramatic than usual :tongue_smilie: but this hurt to the bone. I've always been somewhat of a wallflower, for this reason...to be found lacking and then be discarded. I really don't want to participate in this project any further, but I am afraid of how that would look...immature, lack of humility, who knows what. I think I've had enough life lessons for 10 lifetimes :D and I really didn't feel that I deserved this kind of public embarrassment. Oh well.

 

In that case I would walk away. I would be more concerned about how THEY look for handling the situation poorly.

 

If they needed/wanted you to step down, it should have been discussed with you beforehand. Very poor people skills.

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Thank you all. I didn't get much sleep so I am sounding more melodramatic than usual :tongue_smilie: but this hurt to the bone. I've always been somewhat of a wallflower, for this reason...to be found lacking and then be discarded. I really don't want to participate in this project any further, but I am afraid of how that would look...immature, lack of humility, who knows what. I think I've had enough life lessons for 10 lifetimes :D and I really didn't feel that I deserved this kind of public embarrassment. Oh well.

 

Who cares how it looks???

 

IMO, it would reflect a lot more poorly on you if you continued to work on this project for free, after having been publicly humiliated by the group. As I said before, you'll look like a sap.

 

They will never, ever respect you if you accept the way they treated you, so I really hope you will tell them (or send an email, if it's easier for you,) that you've thought about it, and you have decided that you won't be working with the group any more. In this case, quitting shows that you're a strong woman, not a pathetic loser who will tolerate being treated like dirt.

 

Why would you waste your time and effort on a VOLUNTEER project, for which you've had to endure public humiliation?

 

Spend that time having some fun with your family, or relaxing with a good book. It will be a far better use of your time.

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As long as you don't leave with some sort of scene or throwing some sort of fit, then it doesn't look bad at all. Anyone who thought you were doing a good job will see you step away with grace when asked by the group. And who cares what the people who didn't think you were doing a good job think?

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Is there any chance that someone misunderstood your comments about being fearful and thought they were doing what you wanted by appointing someone else?

 

Sorry you were so looking forward to the project. If it's too stressful to continue the you should quit. I have tried to stay on in stressful situations and ended up acting in ways I'm not proud of. I really struggle with the interpersonal relations sometimes. So for me, it's better to say something like, "I really want to do this but I'm just too frazzled with everything else going on right now..." or something to that effect.

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No, I'm afraid I haven't decided anything. :blink: I want to never return, oh that would be so nice, but it's a bit more complicated than that. I have participated to some degree for at least a year now, and I think I am 'expected' to still participate, but do it quietly...dutifully. No longer the leader is just so embarrassing. I feel like a leper. :tongue_smilie:

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No, I'm afraid I haven't decided anything. :blink: I want to never return, oh that would be so nice, but it's a bit more complicated than that. I have participated to some degree for at least a year now, and I think I am 'expected' to still participate, but do it quietly...dutifully. No longer the leader is just so embarrassing. I feel like a leper. :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug: You are not. They atrocious handling of this situation should be not reflect how you feel about yourself.

 

Earlier this year I started to examine some of the volunteer positions I've held over the years. I led a few, was a group participant in others. I felt pretty good about my involvement at the time. Yet, upon reflection, I realized I was being used in the position because of my enthusiasm for the "projects". I do think I was appreciated, but I realized those areas weren't where my talents truly lied. I spent a few weeks being bitter because I had devoted a LOT of time to these efforts. I wish someone had been honest with me about my um, skills I guess, and I would have scaled back on my involvement. I had 100+ other things I was interested in truly doing. I could have spent my time doing THEM instead.

 

I don't know your situation, perhaps your time is being freed for a better suited opportunity down the road. There are a wealth of volunteer opportunities that will match your giftings, talents, and passions. You should not be used as a place holder as a warm body simply because. I don't know you well, however, I KNOW you are worth more than that.

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No, I'm afraid I haven't decided anything. :blink: I want to never return, oh that would be so nice, but it's a bit more complicated than that. I have participated to some degree for at least a year now, and I think I am 'expected' to still participate, but do it quietly...dutifully. No longer the leader is just so embarrassing. I feel like a leper. :tongue_smilie:

 

Do you actually need anything from this group ? What will you lose by leaving the whole thing ? If I didn't need anything from the group, I would walk away completely and not worry about what anyone thought. After being treated that badly, you are not obligated to hang around and be well behaved for them.

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Whether or not I would quit would depend upon how passionately I felt about the cause. If I felt that the work was important, I would want to be a part of helping to get it done, regardless of whether my pride had been dented.

 

If doing the job in the first place was mostly about me or how I might look to others in the organization, then yeah, the incentive to help would be gone.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to lead in a volunteer position in order to gain some accolades--we all like those positive strokes sometimes, but if it was more about serving the cause, I'd be the best possible support/worker no matter who was leading.

 

Sorry for the public embarrassment though. That really stinks! :grouphug:

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I know I should say something politically correct and kind and sweet and "turn the other cheek" here, but if I'm going to be even remotely honest, I have to say that I would confidently tell this particular group exactly what they could do with their stinking, lousy project, and then I would quit.

 

If they publicly dumped you with no respect for your feelings, they don't deserve to have you as a volunteer. If you remain as part of the project, you'll look like a sap.

 

Sorry. I know I sound mean, but I hate to hear that you were treated so poorly. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:...but I am not known for my meekness....

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I don't think it's unreasonable to worry a bit about what others may think if you quit the project; not everyone will have all of the information, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make a good impression.

 

However, that does NOT mean you have to continue with the project; it just means you have to offer a reasonable explanation, rather than leaving people to wonder, or, heaven forbid, leaving the same people who did this explain for you.

 

I would have a short, to-the-point explanation at the ready. "I think my stepping aside will make it easier for Jane to have clear leadership of the project. It's hard to mix old plans with new. With Project X in her hands, I'll be able to shift my focus to some new ideas."

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I don't think it's unreasonable to worry a bit about what others may think if you quit the project; not everyone will have all of the information, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make a good impression.

 

However, that does NOT mean you have to continue with the project; it just means you have to offer a reasonable explanation, rather than leaving people to wonder, or, heaven forbid, leaving the same people who did this explain for you.

 

I would have a short, to-the-point explanation at the ready. "I think my stepping aside will make it easier for Jane to have clear leadership of the project. It's hard to mix old plans with new. With Project X in her hands, I'll be able to shift my focus to some new ideas."

 

I like that! Use that! :D

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Thank you all for being so helpful. I know the real issue is deeper than just my feeling embarrassed. I wanted to believe that I was talented enough to do this role, and I wasn't talented enough. I wanted to be outgoing, but I am just not made that way. I wanted to be somebody who would make a difference to more folks than just my little family. They thought I was easily replaced when a better leader came along. :crying:

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I don't think it's unreasonable to worry a bit about what others may think if you quit the project; not everyone will have all of the information, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make a good impression.

 

However, that does NOT mean you have to continue with the project; it just means you have to offer a reasonable explanation, rather than leaving people to wonder, or, heaven forbid, leaving the same people who did this explain for you.

 

I would have a short, to-the-point explanation at the ready. "I think my stepping aside will make it easier for Jane to have clear leadership of the project. It's hard to mix old plans with new. With Project X in her hands, I'll be able to shift my focus to some new ideas."

 

:iagree:

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I don't think it's unreasonable to worry a bit about what others may think if you quit the project; not everyone will have all of the information, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make a good impression.

 

However, that does NOT mean you have to continue with the project; it just means you have to offer a reasonable explanation, rather than leaving people to wonder, or, heaven forbid, leaving the same people who did this explain for you.

 

I would have a short, to-the-point explanation at the ready. "I think my stepping aside will make it easier for Jane to have clear leadership of the project. It's hard to mix old plans with new. With Project X in her hands, I'll be able to shift my focus to some new ideas."

:iagree:

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Yes, thank you. I tend to agree. I need to think of a graceful, believable excuse for departing. I wonder if anyone will really believe me! :tongue_smilie:

 

:confused:

How about you guys were really rude and obnoxious. I can't, in good conscience, continue to work with others who hold such blatant disregard for other people.

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I wanted to be outgoing, but I am just not made that way. I wanted to be somebody who would make a difference to more folks than just my little family.

 

Not everybody needs to be outgoing. There are some jobs where it's probably easier to not be outgoing. Ever notice how many programmers are introverts? Programming by yourself all day would drive many outgoing people crazy.

 

Maybe you can use your new found free time to think of ways to volunteer as a non-outgoing person. I imagine that many organizations have a problem of "too many chiefs and not enough Indians." Support people are always needed.

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:confused:

How about you guys were really rude and obnoxious. I can't, in good conscience, continue to work with others who hold such blatant disregard for other people.

:lol: Thank you for helping me see the humor in it! I *really* wish I could say that! Maybe in a while I'll look around for something else to do that wouldn't be in the limelight, so to speak.

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Thank you all for being so helpful. I know the real issue is deeper than just my feeling embarrassed. I wanted to believe that I was talented enough to do this role, and I wasn't talented enough. I wanted to be outgoing, but I am just not made that way. I wanted to be somebody who would make a difference to more folks than just my little family. They thought I was easily replaced when a better leader came along. :crying:

 

:grouphug:

 

I once took on a leadership role I wanted to believe I could do, and it was a disaster. Only no one else wanted to do it either - only reason it was offered to me - and I was stuck muddling through until they finally took it away from me. Told me in private, though, at least, and I did suck at it, and didn't want to do it anymore, so though it hurt, I was relieved, too.

 

I'm so sorry for how you were treated :grouphug:. They aren't good enough for *you*.

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Thank you all for being so helpful. I know the real issue is deeper than just my feeling embarrassed. I wanted to believe that I was talented enough to do this role, and I wasn't talented enough. I wanted to be outgoing, but I am just not made that way. I wanted to be somebody who would make a difference to more folks than just my little family. They thought I was easily replaced when a better leader came along. :crying:

 

Ummm.... NO!!!

 

This has nothing to do with whether or not you were talented enough. This has everything to do with someone with a big mouth and a lot of nerve being envious of your leadership position and going behind your back and insisting that they get it instead of you.

 

Do you really think they didn't believe you weren't talented enough??? Of course they believed you were talented enough, or they wouldn't have chosen you to begin with! YOU WERE STABBED IN THE BACK BY SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LEAD THE PROJECT, and they figured you'd be too nice to complain.

 

Please, please, please stop blaming yourself for this! You would have done a great job, if you'd gotten the chance to prove yourself -- but they didn't give you a chance because someone else either wanted the job for themselves, or wanted the job for one of their friends.

 

I think you're being way too naive about this.

 

Yes, thank you. I tend to agree. I need to think of a graceful, believable excuse for departing. I wonder if anyone will really believe me! :tongue_smilie:

 

Who cares if they believe you, and why do you need any other excuse than, "I didn't appreciate being treated so poorly and I no longer wish to work withi this group. I feel my time will be better spent elsewhere."

 

Seriously.

 

Lighten up on yourself and put the blame where it belongs (and it's not on you!)

 

I don't mean to yell at you, but it's annoying me to no end that you are being so hard on yourself, when you did absolutely nothing wrong. Stop being a people-pleaser and do what you obviously want to do, which is quit being involved in this project.

 

You are such a nice person, but in this case, being the nice one meant that you were the one who was treated like a doormat. For your own sense of self-worth, I truly hope you will stand up to the group and tell them you're done with them.

 

Praying for courage for you!!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I don't know the situation exactly, but I don't think you need an excuse. Just say you respect that they needed to change their leadership, but that you don't feel like you can continue under the circumstances - it's awkward and difficult and emotional and you need to look for a volunteer opportunity that suits you better. If they raise a stink, then you can really leave on the stronger footing.

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This is what my old pastor would have called "using people to get the job done instead of using the job to get people done." It's why we have an 20/80 distribution of work in most volunteer areas, because the job becomes more important than the people.

 

So I think in the end, I would have felt used - and I would probably say "no thank you" to being used some more.

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:grouphug: From my experience, sometimes someone is pulling strings to have things done the way they want them done and if a person assigned to getting those things done does it differently from the string puller(!), then there is a shuffling of the deck. IT happens a lot more than it needs to because some folks may control too much or have a different management/leadership style. As hard as it may be, don't internalize this or blame yourself. Let it roll off. Offer a polite exit letter and be done with them. No need to do a face to face in my opinion. I wouldn't be surprised if your replacement eventually goes through the same thing. Don't let this keep you from trying again though.

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