when other children break your kids' toys....

[HappyLady]

I've been having a lot of playdates at my house lately and every single time a toy has been broken. Now, I'm not saying I don't expect this, but these toys would have really had to have been mishandled in order to have broken. And none of the times did any child come tell me it happened. I discovered it afterwards.

 

I'm just wondering if you ever mention anything to the moms that were there or let it go? I don't plan on saying anything, but I know if my child broke something I'd want them to own up to it and apologize and I'd offer to pay for or replace the toy.

 

The other day I had some kids over to swim and the mom was watching the whole time. The kids broke one of the noodles that we have (I think that's the official name for it). In all the years we've had noodles we've never had one break in half. After they broke it in half they broke it into smaller pieces. I didn't see how they were breaking it at that point. Then I watched them rip the noodles into small pieces and let the pieces float all over my pool. I finally told the mom she'd have to make sure they got all the pieces out of my pool because they'd clog the filter. She asked if those noodles broke easily and I said no. She never apologized, offered to replace it, nothing. I was kind of shocked.

 

After swimming, the kids saw that I had a bunch of bottles of bubbles. They asked if they could have them. I let them and somehow the bubbles were gone by the time they were gone. I witnessed them dumping the bubbles (so did the mom) a few times. The bottles and wands were thrown all over my yard.

 

Is all this normal? I'm not expecting my kids to be angels when they're older, but if they did all this I'd say something to them and make them apologize and clean up their mess. But maybe I'm too strict in today's day and age. I don't know.

 

What do you all think? How do you handle these situations?

[Stayseeliz]

Honestly that's one reason I generally avoid having people over for playdates. We meet at the park or somewhere else neutral. It seems like other kids always break something or make a mess, etc.

[amy g.]

I would never invite those children over again.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I must like toys more than I like children.

[Unicorn.]

Unfortunately, it does seem to be the norm these days. I'm glad that you seem to be teaching your kids manners.

[clarkacademy]

No it is not normal. I have no idea how it got to the point that children can act the fool in others peoples homes and it be acceptable. My mother would have killed me! People just don't feel responsible anymore. I hate play dates because of this kind of stuff.

[ktgrok]

If you saw them break the noodle why didn't you say something? I would have, if their mom didn't. I would have said, "Boys, put the noodle out of the pool, now that it is broken. And be more careful with the rest of them, I don't want anymore to get broken." Just letting them know I'm watching is enough to stop that kind of behavior.

 

Same with the bubbles...the first time you saw them dump some just say "hey boys, you can blow bubbles, but don't waste them by dumping them."

[Jpoy85]

Honestly that's one reason I generally avoid having people over for playdates. We meet at the park or somewhere else neutral. It seems like other kids always break something or make a mess, etc.

 

:iagree:

[shanvan]

No it is not normal. I have no idea how it got to the point that children can act the fool in others peoples homes and it be acceptable. My mother would have killed me! People just don't feel responsible anymore. I hate play dates because of this kind of stuff.

 

:iagree: It's not 'normal', but I think it may be becoming 'the norm'. Many of the kids we've invited over have run amuck w/o the parent doing a thing. One Dc was even standing in my yard pulling the bark off my tree!

[HappyLady]

If you saw them break the noodle why didn't you say something? I would have, if their mom didn't. I would have said, "Boys, put the noodle out of the pool, now that it is broken. And be more careful with the rest of them, I don't want anymore to get broken." Just letting them know I'm watching is enough to stop that kind of behavior.

 

Same with the bubbles...the first time you saw them dump some just say "hey boys, you can blow bubbles, but don't waste them by dumping them."

 

I'm a wimp. :lol: I mean, I really do think I'm stricter than the norm sometimes so I never know when I should say something and when I shouldn't. I thought that by bringing it to the attention of the mother that she'd discipline her own kids, but that obviously didn't work.

[Dobela]

It is not normal. I expect more from my guests. I have also learned that at my house, I must step in and enforce my rules and expectations. And that there are a couple of families I no longer invite over. If you see the behavior and don't say something, then you can't complain. If I saw kids dumping bubbles, I would have simply given warning, then taken them away at the next offense. I don't care (now anyway) if mom is there or not.

 

For the noodles, depending on how new/old they are, they can become fragile. We have had a couple break easily after a couple of years in the pool and sun. But again, after it was broken, I would have removed it and made it clear that others were to be treated in a better way.

[Kathryn]

I would never invite those children over again.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I must like toys more than I like children.

 

:lol:

 

We had a couple from church over for dinner with their two boys. They are two and four years older than my older son. They were all back in his room when DS came out yelling that we had to come quick. We all went back and their boys had ripped the curtain rods out of the walls on both of his windows. The boys yelled/whined "we didn't mean to," the parents assured them that it was fine, and there were absolutely no apologies or offers to help pay for/fix the damage to our walls. They haven't been invited back.

[QuirkyKapers]

I wouldn't have them at my house again. Find a different place if you want the kids to play. First, as the visiting parent, I would have been mortified my child broke the noodle and offered a replacement. I would have stopped the child's destructiveness and if child didn't listen, they would have been sitting out. :grouphug:

 

My son had gotten something when we were out of the country. Took it to show his friends, friend put it down on the driveway. The other mom pulled out and ran over it. Granted, my son should have been watching this item since we can't replace it and really, I had told him perhaps he shouldn't take it, but he was excited to show what he got. The mother didn't care. Neither did his friend. Tough lesson for my son about taking care of things and that others aren't going to care as much about his stuff as he is or he should:tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

bubbles I wouldn't care about, heaven knows my kids have spilled loads.

 

But the pool noodle? I don't get why you didn't speak up and stop them. It was deliberately destructive on their part.

 

I wouldn't have them over again.

[jujsky]

I've made short-term rules about no playing in certain areas/the kids' rooms/with certain toys when things were broken. Broken toys happen, and when the moms I know are aware, they've always been apologetic. The mom or moms in your situation exhibited truly heinous behavior -- especially in regards to the pool noodles. They're FOAM! They're not that easy to break. You can look at them and tell they're not easy to break unless you're willfully ripping them apart. If I saw my child doing something like that, they'd be buying that person a new noodle whether the host expected it or not, they'd apologize, and they might have to sit out of the pool next to me for awhile. People who don't parent their children piss me off.

[Cassy]

I'm a wimp. :lol: I mean, I really do think I'm stricter than the norm sometimes so I never know when I should say something and when I shouldn't. I thought that by bringing it to the attention of the mother that she'd discipline her own kids, but that obviously didn't work.

 

I'm a wimp too, I do understand that, but I always say something. If I don't say anything then it would probably get to the point where I'd have to stop their friends coming here, and I want my boys to be able to have their friends over. If they or their mothers don't like me saying something then I imagine they won't bother coming again, in which case, problem solved :D.

[TN Mama]

If you saw them break the noodle why didn't you say something? I would have, if their mom didn't. I would have said, "Boys, put the noodle out of the pool, now that it is broken. And be more careful with the rest of them, I don't want anymore to get broken." Just letting them know I'm watching is enough to stop that kind of behavior.

 

Same with the bubbles...the first time you saw them dump some just say "hey boys, you can blow bubbles, but don't waste them by dumping them."

 

:iagree: And I also would *never invite them over again. Ever.

[LaxMom]

:lol:

 

We had a couple from church over for dinner with their two boys. They are two and four years older than my older son. They were all back in his room when DS came out yelling that we had to come quick. We all went back and their boys had ripped the curtain rods out of the walls on both of his windows. The boys yelled/whined "we didn't mean to," the parents assured them that it was fine, and there were absolutely no apologies or offers to help pay for/fix the damage to our walls. They haven't been invited back.

 

Ummmm... How on earth is that "fine"?!?! I honestly have no idea what kind of force it takes to rip curtain rods from the walls - and my living room curtains now hang askew on brackets bent at a 45 degree angle by my own toddlers (who are now nearly 8) climbing the walls... Still.not.fine - but however easy or difficult, it was deliberate.

 

Willful destruction as an activity - breaking, dumping or wrenching fixtures from walls - is never ok. Ever.

[*Lulu*]

Well the foam noodles could have easily broken if they were old or stored all summer in the sun. We seem to have to replace at least one or two each summer here depending on the quality. Still they should have been removed from the pool when they initially broke. The other mom was negligent, but you should have spoken up.

 

As far as other toys go, I try to put up toys I would be massively upset over if someone with distructive tendencies is coming over. I also try to remember that they are just toys. It is hard though, because we could not afford to replace many of the kids' things.

 

We have had two families visit once and then be relegated to the list of friends we meet at the park due to mistreatment of our home and belongings. It is much easier to find other people's children charming when they are not ripping up the few nice things we have.

[xixstar]

Okay, I have a child that picks apart pool noodles and she also loves tearing apart Styrofoam cups too. I don't know what it is about those things but even with warnings to not do it, sometimes it still happens. For pool noodles, it is the old ones that are really brittle and cups she tends to hide and do it. I can't see she'd go to a perfect one, but if one got broken then I know she'd be tempted to pick it apart more.

 

I also have kids that explore toys in interesting ways and don't quickly realize when things aren't supposed to come apart and can get rather determined to get things apart. It's a bit frustrating for playdates for us as well. All playdates the kids are right under foot so they can be redirected and watched as needed but still sometimes things get broken in an instant. But of course, I don't ignore it and we apologize, the kids help pick up any pieces and make sure we have a good resolution. And kids also get a warning that if that behavior (disregard of stuff, not actually waiting until something else is broken) continues, we'll be going home. But I know this about my kids and so, at this age still, they don't get to play off alone where they can't be watched. They're generally great with things but occasionally I really wonder what went through their head.

[SKL]

I have been known to tell kids off if their parents are turning a blind eye to destructive behavior. If they think their kid ought to be allowed to break things happily, maybe they won't bring him over again. Yay!

 

If it seemed to be a pattern / style of a particular kid or family, then I'd only bring out super-sturdy play things when they came over. If they asked for something more fragile, I'd tell them they needed to wait until they are older because that kind of toy is too fragile for rough play. If they argued I'd just keep saying "when you're older."

 

Another possibility is to say "that's in the workshop because it got broken the last time you guys played together." Also, "go play outside where there's nothing that can get broken."

[2squared]

Older noodles are a pain. They do break easily, especially if you have a couple older boys playing with them or a toddler who likes to bite them. :001_unsure: I don't expect noodles to last more than a season.

 

I also wouldn't expect my children (older than 3yo) to sit and tear them apart and throw the pieces everywhere. All of my kids have gone through a phase where they enjoyed tearing apart noodles. The foam is a fun sensory material, and for whatever reason, it is fun to pick apart. I would NEVER allow my kids to tear apart someone else's noodles.

Edited August 30, 2012 by 2squared

[dirty ethel rackham]

 

The other day I had some kids over to swim and the mom was watching the whole time. The kids broke one of the noodles that we have (I think that's the official name for it). In all the years we've had noodles we've never had one break in half. After they broke it in half they broke it into smaller pieces. I didn't see how they were breaking it at that point. Then I watched them rip the noodles into small pieces and let the pieces float all over my pool. I finally told the mom she'd have to make sure they got all the pieces out of my pool because they'd clog the filter. She asked if those noodles broke easily and I said no. She never apologized, offered to replace it, nothing. I was kind of shocked.

Why didn't you say something when you saw this? I would have insisted that the pieces be picked up immediately and had everyone take a break from the pool. I would have put the pool noodles away and told them they couldn't play with them if they didn't play appropriately.

 

After swimming, the kids saw that I had a bunch of bottles of bubbles. They asked if they could have them. I let them and somehow the bubbles were gone by the time they were gone. I witnessed them dumping the bubbles (so did the mom) a few times. The bottles and wands were thrown all over my yard.

Did you correct them? Did you take the bubbles away when they did this?

 

Is all this normal? I'm not expecting my kids to be angels when they're older, but if they did all this I'd say something to them and make them apologize and clean up their mess. But maybe I'm too strict in today's day and age. I don't know.

 

What do you all think? How do you handle these situations?

No, this is not normal. Actually, it is normal when parents don't speak up and correct their kids. I have always had a "my house, my rules" policy. If they can make messes at home without cleaning up, too bad. At my house, we clean up. If they get destructive with my family's property, I tell them to stop and tell them how to treat our things. I am not mean about it, but I am firm. If some kids could not learn to behave appropriately, they weren't invited back.

[beachrose]

Your house ,your rules ,just set expectations and follow through kids will usually come along.

I have a friend that has a toy store in her playroom. Everything in its' place with lots of fragile expensive toys. My kids have toyboxes. They don't have tons of fragile expensive toys because we don't buy them. We buy sturdy old fashioned toys and only a few. So naturally their play and their clean up are a bit different then ours. My kids quickly learnt if they took it out,they had to be gentle and put it back if they wanted to play with the toys. They learned because limits were set. In our case both parents set limits but if you had to, do it on your own.

I would expect a parent to replace anything broken but I also wouldn't put out something really precious like that poor boy who lost his memento.

When large groups of kids would come over my toy store friends house (like a bible study) she would cover(blanket) the toys she didn't want played with.

No reason to stop having friends over :) and best of all both sets of kids learn relationship skills. Who knows maybe some day they will be dorm mates and need those skills.

[BlsdMama]

I've been having a lot of playdates at my house lately and every single time a toy has been broken. Now, I'm not saying I don't expect this, but these toys would have really had to have been mishandled in order to have broken. And none of the times did any child come tell me it happened. I discovered it afterwards.

 

I'm just wondering if you ever mention anything to the moms that were there or let it go? I don't plan on saying anything, but I know if my child broke something I'd want them to own up to it and apologize and I'd offer to pay for or replace the toy.

 

The other day I had some kids over to swim and the mom was watching the whole time. The kids broke one of the noodles that we have (I think that's the official name for it). In all the years we've had noodles we've never had one break in half. After they broke it in half they broke it into smaller pieces. I didn't see how they were breaking it at that point. Then I watched them rip the noodles into small pieces and let the pieces float all over my pool. I finally told the mom she'd have to make sure they got all the pieces out of my pool because they'd clog the filter. She asked if those noodles broke easily and I said no. She never apologized, offered to replace it, nothing. I was kind of shocked.

 

After swimming, the kids saw that I had a bunch of bottles of bubbles. They asked if they could have them. I let them and somehow the bubbles were gone by the time they were gone. I witnessed them dumping the bubbles (so did the mom) a few times. The bottles and wands were thrown all over my yard.

 

Is all this normal? I'm not expecting my kids to be angels when they're older, but if they did all this I'd say something to them and make them apologize and clean up their mess. But maybe I'm too strict in today's day and age. I don't know.

 

What do you all think? How do you handle these situations?

 

I'd make it a rule to supervise (directly) any play at all times with visitors. No letting them off in other rooms. If they are outside, so are you.

 

There is nothing wrong with stepping and saying, "Oh, sweetie, we don't play like that here. This is how you use that." Or saying, "Oops! I am so sorry! That toy is special I should have put it up." And really do put up anything special.

[Entropymama]

I would NEVER allow my kids to tear apart someone else's noodles.

 

:lol:

[marbel]

We used to have problems like this sometimes but not too often. If someone was really destructive, I wouldn't invite them back. A bigger problem I always had was kids who would browse my fridge and pantry and ask for certain things to eat!

 

But I would always set limits in my house. If I had to correct someone I'd say "I'm not your mom, but I'm the mom of this house" and kids seemed to understand that.

 

Whether or not the noodles are easy to break (I've no experience there), ripping apart styrofoam anything and throwing the pieces is wrong. To let it go on without saying anything gives the impression that it's acceptable which may be why the other mom didn't offer to replace it.

 

Don't be a wimp in your own house! ;):grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

If I had to correct someone I'd say "I'm not your mom, but I'm the mom of this house" and kids seemed to understand that.

 

 

That is a great thing to say!

[Lolly]

If you saw them break the noodle why didn't you say something? I would have, if their mom didn't. I would have said, "Boys, put the noodle out of the pool, now that it is broken. And be more careful with the rest of them, I don't want anymore to get broken." Just letting them know I'm watching is enough to stop that kind of behavior.

 

Same with the bubbles...the first time you saw them dump some just say "hey boys, you can blow bubbles, but don't waste them by dumping them."

 

:iagree: I would still have playdates, but I would make sure I could personally supervise. Then, you have to lay down some rules...

[Mergath]

We've had kids over for playdates with dd a few times, and I make other kids follow the same rules as dd does. If they don't, they go home. And I have brought a child home (the parent had dropped her off) kicking and screaming. I'm mean, I guess. But I won't have my house destroyed because someone else's child hasn't been taught how to behave.

[redsquirrel]

If you don't tell them to stop and you are sitting right there, then they are getting the message that their behavior is acceptable. If you are going to be a 'wimp' then you had better accept some broken toys and some hurt feelings.

 

I've never had a problem like that. But, it wouldn't occur to me not to tell the children to stop breaking up a pool noodle. At first sign of that I would have said "hey, don't rip that up. It's going to make a mess and you will not like picking it all out of the pool." I wouldn't have thought twice about that. Kids do dumb stuff and we tell them not to.

 

I have seen kids bite or pull apart pool noodles almost without being able to control themselves, lol. I think there is something about the texture that sets some kids right off? But, if it were my kid or my pool I would tell them to stop and take it away from them.

 

I am also very comfortable telling kids to calm down, stop running, use an inside voice, we keep our hands to ourselves, don't throw things, don't pound that, that isn't what that toy was made for, if you can't stop yourself I will put it away, only bottoms on the couch, keep food at the table etc, etc. So far, no one has refused to come back or argued with me about anything I have asked of them. We seem to have plenty of kids over to play and they all have a good time.

[gardenmom5]

when other kids come over, I limit how many toys come out. special toys the kids would be very upset over being broken, are put up and off limits.

[Hope in God]

Sometimes it is hard to speak up. I do sometimes give in to the pressure of just wanting a peaceful playdate without conflict and I choose to deal with the aftermath later.

 

In one of my better, more assertive moments (I must have been pregnant or something) my friend's kids were over for lunch and one of her boys was balancing his glass water cup on his head when I wasn't looking. Well, the obvious happened and the cup shatterd all over the floor. After cleaning up the mess I gave him a plastic cup which made him cry profusely because he wanted a glass cup like everyone else. But I told him that he broke his galss cup and so he has to have plastic. The End. He still cried the rest of the way through lunch and I'm sure that if my friend was there she would have broken down and given him another glass cup but she wasn't there and it was probably better for her son that he had to have a plastic cup.

 

Kids are destructive (some more than others) and they need guidelines because they are not born smart.

 

The bigger problem that I have is knowing what to do when my kids break their own toys or their sibling's toys.:confused:

[RanchGirl]

I wouldn't watch my kid destroy someone else's, nor would I allow my kid or anyone's kid to shred them and make a big mess, but I've seen them come apart pretty easy after a few months of sun and water and other than the mess, no worry in my book. They usually break after a year or two and they're not too expensive.

 

I would guess that if the mom saw you watching and not reacting, she took her cue from you that making a mess with the pieces was no biggy? Now if her kids pulled curtain rods from the wall, that would be the end of the playdates. But I wouldn't lose or curtail a friendship over a $2 pool noodle.

[QuirkyKapers]

But I won't have my house destroyed because someone else's child hasn't been taught how to behave.

 

Another scenario is when you are at a friends house they expect their children (and yours ) to take care whatever they are playing with. However, when the kids come to your place, it is different. I have had to let kids know, you treat my house like your house. This happens with kids in the neighborhood too. They wouldn't litter at their house, but try and do that here. :glare:

[Melissa in Australia]

haven't read all the replies yet.

For the original break of the noodle I would have thought it was possibly an accident, but for the rest... if children were behaving like that at my house, I would tell them off.

[Sharilynn29]

As a mom of an ADHD child, who regularly destroyed things when younger. I'm glad I had great friends that didn't judge me or my son whenever he ruined something. Once he ran right through a screen door and just kept going. I never paid for anything, but I never ask other people to pay for their children's mistakes either.

 

Children and relationships are more important than things.:001_smile:

[Soror]

bubbles I wouldn't care about, heaven knows my kids have spilled loads.

 

But the pool noodle? I don't get why you didn't speak up and stop them. It was deliberately destructive on their part.

 

I wouldn't have them over again.

 

The bubbles wouldn't be a big deal to me, although I'd probably tell them to cut it out. If I saw deliberately breaking of something I'd say something to whoever did it and the toys would be put away.

[Soror]

As a mom of an ADHD child, who regularly destroyed things when younger. I'm glad I had great friends that didn't judge me or my son whenever he ruined something. Once he ran right through a screen door and just kept going. I never paid for anything, but I never ask other people to pay for their children's mistakes either.

 

Children and relationships are more important than things.:001_smile:

 

So, love is never having consequences for your mistakes? I can love my kids and my friend's kids but that doesn't mean they can break things cart blanche without so much as a word. If my kids break things then the toys will be going away and appropriate discipline. I wouldn't expect parents to pay for every little toy broken but if my child broke a big item I feel it my responsibility to step up and offer to pay for it myself.

[kewb]

As a mom of an ADHD child, who regularly destroyed things when younger. I'm glad I had great friends that didn't judge me or my son whenever he ruined something. Once he ran right through a screen door and just kept going. I never paid for anything, but I never ask other people to pay for their children's mistakes either.

 

Children and relationships are more important than things.:001_smile:

 

I agree that children and relationships are more important than things but when your kid breaks a big ticket item, even by accident, I think you should at least offer to pay for it.

 

One of my son's friends broke our screen door and I will admit I was mighty ticked that his parents did not offer to pay for the new door. I wouldn't have taken them up on the offer but it certainly would have shown that they had respect for our home and our possessions. My son is still friends with their son but that incident was one of the final nails in the coffin of our relationship with his parents.

Edited August 30, 2012 by kewb

[ktgrok]

As a mom of an ADHD child, who regularly destroyed things when younger. I'm glad I had great friends that didn't judge me or my son whenever he ruined something. Once he ran right through a screen door and just kept going. I never paid for anything, but I never ask other people to pay for their children's mistakes either.

 

Children and relationships are more important than things.:001_smile:

 

Accidents should be forgiven, and a reminder given to walk in the house, not run. No judging. But, if the OP doesn't want the kids to dump out the bubbles, and she sees them dumping them, she should say "hey, guys...don't waste the bubbles. Either blow bubbles or put them away please." No big deal, no judging, just setting the boundary.

[Hope in God]

Children are more important than things but if my child has a friend who wreaks havoc everytime they come over I may have to do a "return on investment" study and determine the benefit vs the cost of having that child over to my house and since my kids have a lot of friends the destuctive friend may be cut from the team.:D

[labst60]

If "Children and relationships are more important than things", then I think if your child breaks something (major, like a door) at someone else's home, you give up some "things" you were going to buy with your money and offer pay for the door.

 

Accidents happen. Most likely, I wouldn't accept - but if something that serious got damaged by someone else's child, I would be insulted if the parents didn't offer to repair/replace it. Again, given the circumstances, I may very likely not take them up on it - but if they didn't even respect me enough to offer, that would be the end of that 'friendship".

 

Easy to say Children and relationships are more important than things when it isn't YOUR things being broken by other peoples children.

[Kathryn]

If "Children and relationships are more important than things", then I think if your child breaks something (major, like a door) at someone else's home, you give up some "things" you were going to buy with your money and offer pay for the door.

 

Accidents happen. Most likely, I wouldn't accept - but if something that serious got damaged by someone else's child, I would be insulted if the parents didn't offer to repair/replace it. Again, given the circumstances, I may very likely not take them up on it - but if they didn't even respect me enough to offer, that would be the end of that 'friendship".

 

Easy to say Children and relationships are more important than things when it isn't YOUR things being broken by other peoples children.

 

:iagree: honestly, I would not have accepted had they offered to pay for the damage to the wall. But, it's the decent thing to do. If you or your child damages something, you offer to replace/fix it. Or at least apologize. In my situation, these people just assured their children that it didn't matter and went on like nothing had happened. In my world, that's not appropriate, and those aren't people I want at my house.

[Scuff]

I understand spilling bubbles. Kids are klutzy, especially when excited about bubbles. But deliberate distruction of things, I think we'd have to change the visits somehow. Park, only playing outside with limited toys, whatever.

[clarkacademy]

Children are way more important than things, but respect is the biggest thing in a relationship. Why would I want friends who won't respect my home or my things? My son is ADHD the other has autism and that sure did not give either of them the right to act the fool in someone elses home.

 

If my kid couldn't behave they wouldn't go. My house is full of breakables and I would freak if some kid came here not behaving tearing up my house. They would be told to leave.

[Tess in the Burbs]

It seems to go in spells here as far as the breaking toys goes. We had a week of playdates once and I think a toy got broken every day! How I react depends on how the family reacts. I have told my kids if a friend breaks something in front of them and they didn't stop the bad behavior that caused the toy to break there isn't much I can do. They have the control in their own home/room and need to say to the friend to stop or not do that anymore or it will break. Sometimes my ds has said this and a toy still gets broken. And I haven't had a bad experience....usually the parent will offer to replace. At that point both the kid and mom are aware and offered and I am ok with saying no. I still feel part of the blame is my child who should have taken it away or gotten a parent if he couldn't get the friend to hear him say NO. If a kid breaks something out of sight I would bring it to the mom and explain her child broke something and see what happens. I think it should be offered to be replaced but honestly, some things can't be replaced. And in that case an apology is expected. It's a life lesson for my child to put things away that are precious to them. I can't think of anytime recently a parent hasn't offered to replace anything or of a child no offering an apology. I have no problem prodding a kid to apologize when it's appropriate to do so. But after the week of broken things I got more diligent about going through the room with my kids before friends show up and move things up or out of the room if need be. And I remind my kids that if there is anything laying out they don't want broken to let me have it to put away. After that, it's my kids responsibility to tell their friends the rules/guidelines/common sense about not breaking their toys.

[TXMomof4]

Accidents should be forgiven, and a reminder given to walk in the house, not run. No judging. But, if the OP doesn't want the kids to dump out the bubbles, and she sees them dumping them, she should say "hey, guys...don't waste the bubbles. Either blow bubbles or put them away please." No big deal, no judging, just setting the boundary.

 

Exactly. Kids get together in groups and do dumb things. Like tearing up a foam noodle - it really is cool to watch that stuff float though! And if no one tells them to stop, it must be alright! How old were these kids? Were your kids participating in the destruction or try to get the other kids to stop? Maybe the other mom was following your lead? Perhaps she was horrified that it was happening, but you seemed to be ok and she didn't want to come across at that 'mean' mom?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put a lot of the responsibility on your shoulders. If the kids were under the age of 10ish, they are going to need direct instruction. My kids are good. Really, they are good kids - but if everyone is doing something - even when they know it's a bad idea, they jump in with both feet. Particularly if it is something that's really fun. Last night it was using the sidewalk chalk to make paint. They *know* that isn't allowed but their friends were here and fun trumps common sense a lot when you're 6-9. How can I expect the other kids to know my expectations if I never voice them?

[SwallowTail]

Yeah, I have a friend who parents like that. Her son was carving into my table with a fork. Her sons dumped bubbles all over my floors! (not only wasting ddd's bubbles, but also making a mess of my home!). She never said a thing and obviously felt perturbed when I attempted a mild redirection with the bubbles. This mom does not like anyone placing boundaries on her kids.

 

I just decided in that moment that I was done. Playdates can now happen at a park or at our pool. But even at our pool, I was feeling very uncomfortable with the food bits left scattered about, glass being brought into the pool by five-year-olds, etc.

 

I generally only allow one child to play at our house anymore, and I still move most of dd's toys to the school room and lock that room.