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s/o your school experience, please elaborate on the social stuff if you would


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I noticed on the Do You Wish You Were Homeschooled thread that many people liked or disliked school on the basis of their positive or negative experience with the social aspects of school.

 

Do you think that the social element and/or the unwritten curriculum is the most important part of the school experience?

 

If you had a bad (or even not especially good) time socially, could it be improved, or is it an inevitable part of the system?

 

If you enjoyed social success at school, to what do you attribute that? What was your attitude towards less socially successful students?

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I noticed on the Do You Wish You Were Homeschooled thread that many people liked or disliked school on the basis of their positive or negative experience with the social aspects of school.

 

Do you think that the social element and/or the unwritten curriculum is the most important part of the school experience?

 

Important? No. Can it leave the largest overall impression? Yes. Negative social experience(s) at school can color a person's whole outlook on school. Many people "hate school", not necessarily because it is school or because they struggled with learning, but because of the bullying, name calling, etc. Positive social experiences would leave a more positive long term impression of time spent at school, even if you did have the crappiest math teacher, etc.

 

If you had a bad (or even not especially good) time socially, could it be improved, or is it an inevitable part of the system?

 

N/A Although, I think there will always be jerks.

 

If you enjoyed social success at school, to what do you attribute that?

 

Hmmm, that's a hard one to pinpoint. I can't really say why I wasn't "picked on". I can say that I am an extrovert, so I was not intimidated to be around a lot of people. From what I noticed, the shy/introverted ones were more likely to be targeted as "weak" by the jerks.

 

What was your attitude towards less socially successful students?

 

I was never part of just one clique. I had friends/acquaintances across the board in all the different "social groups". Again, I am an extrovert, so I will talk to pretty much anybody.

 

Also, I grew up in a small city so I went to school with a lot of the people from kindergarten through high school graduation. In jr. high and high school when the interests, personalities, and cliques seem to become more pronounced (ie: jocks, punks, "nerds", etc.) I was already friendly with at least one or two from each of those groups (from kindergarten), so in talking to those people, I got to know their new friends that they had gravitated toward through common interest, if that makes sense.

Edited by fraidycat
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I noticed on the Do You Wish You Were Homeschooled thread that many people liked or disliked school on the basis of their positive or negative experience with the social aspects of school.

 

Do you think that the social element and/or the unwritten curriculum is the most important part of the school experience?

 

I don't think it's the most important but in my experience it's the part that had the most effect on my memories of school, whether I liked it or not.

 

If you had a bad (or even not especially good) time socially, could it be improved, or is it an inevitable part of the system?
I was a shy, introverted, bookish, fat ugly girl with bad hair in school. So I didn't have a great experience. I don't know if it's an inevitable part of the system - not even sure I know what that means. Was there something anyone could have done to make my experience better? Maybe, but who would that be and how would that happen? If a teacher put together a club for shy introverted ugly fat girls, who would join? I think if anyone bore any responsibility it would have been me, though I don't know what I could have done at that time.

 

My mother always said I was a late bloomer. I finally came into my own in the working world. I had to force myself to do things I couldn't do in school. Like talk to people. Maturity had a lot to do with it too, of course.

 

That said, I loved the academic part of school - at least English class. Loved it.

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At my school, the cliques and popular crowd had apparently been established before the first day of kindergarten. Those roles continued into high school. The only thing a parent could have done to win their child school-long immunity was to get their child into the right preschool and live in the right neighborhood.

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I did fairly well socially in high school but I am not sure my high school was the norm, in that I don't remember there being those really tight cliques that were mean to others. That was all in Jr High. I was in band and we were a pretty tight social world there but I was friendly with people from all different social groups. However, that was almost 25 years ago. I see things differently now and among some of the public school kids I know now, I am more concerned about the social aspects when it comes to my girls.

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For the most part you can look at someone (esp teens) and size them up socially. It's about confidence and social know-how. How do they carry themselves? Do they look you in the eye and smile in a welcoming way? Or do they fall over their own words trying to answer you if you ask a question? Other kids pick up on this quickly and those who don't have confidence get picked on. Those who don't might get lucky :(

 

Even adults are influenced by it. My oldest struggles socially and never got attention from adults as a little guy. My littlest looks very much the same in appearance but has a huge "I'm so excited to see you" grin for every person he meets. Adults swoon over him, lavishing him with attention. He's so cute! He eats it up and does it all the more. He also talks to every kid he meets. He's quite the chatterbox. He will be fine socially. The oldest is not fine and even got bullied in 2nd grade before we pulled him out.

 

The problem is, you can fix some of the superficial things, and if the problem is solely lack of confidence that can change over time, but if it's lack of social know-how that is more subtle and hard to fix.

 

Brownie

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I noticed on the Do You Wish You Were Homeschooled thread that many people liked or disliked school on the basis of their positive or negative experience with the social aspects of school.

 

I posted that I wouldn't have wanted to be homeschooled. I enjoyed being with my friends and the work was mostly easy, but I still disliked school because it seemed to be a colossal waste of time. I was able to graduate a quarter earlier than my peers and get a full-time job. I should have been able to do that even earlier. My senior year was a huge waste.

 

Do you think that the social element and/or the unwritten curriculum is the most important part of the school experience?

 

I'm not sure I would say most important, but it is definitely an important element no matter where you are on the social ladder. Personally, I prefer the middle of the ground profile. I was not popular, nor was I in the range of kids that got teased. I pretty much flew under the radar and that is what I'm helping my dd14 who is now in public high school understand. She's not going to be a popular person and that is fine with her. She just wants to be left alone without looking like a loner. When things are going okay socially, it's easier to focus on the academics. When things are going bad socially, school as a whole becomes more difficult to manage.

 

If you had a bad (or even not especially good) time socially, could it be improved, or is it an inevitable part of the system?

 

I think it's an inevitable part of the system because you're talking about a world of peers. There are way more students than teachers so the school environment is peer led and influenced. There will always be a pecking order and that means some on top, some on the bottom, and probably the majority in the middle.

 

If you enjoyed social success at school, to what do you attribute that? What was your attitude towards less socially successful students?

 

I was not different. I was a plain person. I wore fashionable clothes, even if they were the cheap version from places like Walmart and Target. I never called attention to myself. I was nice to everyone and had no bully types mess with me. As bad as it sounds, I'm trying to teach my daughter that it's just not worth marching to a different beat because it makes you stand out. If you're going to do that, you have to have the personality and strength to deal with the consequences. Since she's not strong like that, nor was I, I just think it's best if she blends in with the average crowd. I want her to focus on academics and get through successfully so she can go on to college to pursue her dream. I don't want her to get stuck in the high school mindset, which is just a different way of looking at the world. You know, looking through stereotypical teenage filtered glasses.

Edited by Night Elf
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I haven't read the other thread, but.....

 

1) My social experience at school wasn't the worst. I can remember a couple incidents, but not much. I was far from popular; but I had my group of friends and got along with my classmates. One guy (a football player) I caught up with years later said that he wished that there wasn't so much pressure between groups to stay more separated as I seemed really nice and was cute. He wished he had gotten to know me back then. So maybe there was more pressure for certain people (maybe the extremes of the popularity continuum?) than there was for those of us more "just there."

 

2) My biggest issue socially was the immaturity. My middle school experience was considerably different than most people's so when I returned to public school in late 8th grade and into 9th, I struggled with the childishness of things. Being in higher level classes helped, but... At the same time, I was missing some sophistication (and still feel I do) so it was a bit of a weird combination.

 

3) Academically, I could have done so much more. In my alternative middle school experience, I was able to self-pace and soar. I wish that could have continued.

 

Do I think homeschooling would have helped? Well, I can't imagine having homeschooled high school due to circumstances. I do think my parents should have let me go to college early (a program that dormed high schoolers together, gave increased supervision, etc but allowed them to do the final two years of high school and first two years of college simultaneously).

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Do you think that the social element and/or the unwritten curriculum is the most important part of the school experience?

 

 

No. The most important part of school is the academic education.

 

If you enjoyed social success at school, to what do you attribute that? What was your attitude towards less socially successful students?
I did not just enjoy "social success" there was an overall positive social climate. I can not wrap my mind around the prevalent horrible experience so many in this country seems to connect with high school.

Biggest factor: in my home country, students learn together in the same class for many years. My classmates and I were together from 3rd through 10th grade (nowadays, students from 5th through 12th are together in the same group of 30 kids, with changes only if somebody moves ). That means, you know each other really well, and you grow together as a group. You do not have to fight for social rank at the beginning of each school year with new kids.

What also helped is tracking, which puts you into school with more like minded students. At a college prep school, you do not get teased for wanting to achieve academic goals (as it happened to DD), because everybody is planning to go to college

Edited by regentrude
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I think it's important for kids to learn social skills; but I also think that 90% of social skills have to do with the parents. The weird kid will probably always be the weird kid. Kids who are homeschooled with socially functional parents are "normal" and they do better with multiple age groups.

 

I moved a lot as a child; I would always start out at a school as not very popular at all, and in a few years I'd work myself up to being in the popular group. As a child it's not necessarily "social skills" that contribute most to fitting in; it's more a matter of assimilating the exact culture of that school. This often includes things like designer clothes and being good in sports, but it's also a matter of knowing that at "this" school you can't assume "this" girl is popular (despite being good in gym class or wearing designer clothes) because she just happens to be an outcast, even though to the outsider that makes NO sense.

 

It's a lot easier in large school districts where multiple elementary schools feed into a middle school and multiple middle schools feed into high schools because the kids get mixed up and the popular group in 2nd grade isn't still the popular group in high school.

 

Social skills are a skill not a talent; they can be learned. But at the same time I feel NO need to expose my kids to the crazy sort of Lord of the Flies bullying that can easily exist when kids are in schools together.

 

I remember as a child always being surprised by how nice and how fair kids were with each other when there were no adults involved. When we'd have a neighborhood softball game, we'd flex the rules for the little kids so that everyone could participate. When adults were involved, it became mean and competitive every time.

 

I wonder if the aspect of home school that allows each kid to move at his own pace doesn't awaken that sort of survival need for competition and jealousy that kids get in regular school.

 

ETA: FWIW, the popular kids are often not truly friends, they're competitors. Whether they'd be socially successful in school or not, I'd rather my own kids have fewer and more genuine friends than be in competition to be popular.

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I was a 2e kid in the early days of mainstreaming. Which, in my case, meant that I was dumped into regular ed classes which were boring for most of the time, but then pulled out for speech, PT, adaptive PE, and, starting in 3rd grade, gifted classes. Elementary really wasn't too bad simply because of the fact that I was never in the classroom (I think I spent more time in my gifted teacher's car than I did in my 6th grade homeroom, because I was going with her to take gifted classes at the three elementary schools in my hometown-it was the only way they could get in all the service hours that my IEP called for.)

 

Middle school was horrific. That's the only word for it. The classes were OK (the teachers had good enough control that nothing happened there), but the halls, the cafeteria, before school, after school, and the PE locker room were horrendous. I was physically immature, probably quite emotionally immature, and just plain didn't fit in. I would walk a mile and a half to avoid taking the bus. I would hide in the classrooms and be late for class rather than change classes. The only time I'd use the bathroom at school was in the private one that just happened to be in the special ed suite where I had speech therapy-and I only had speech twice a week.

 

High school got a little better. I got into a math/science magnet program that essentially was it's own little school. I was still kind of an odd-ball there (I was an artistic, musical kid who didn't particularly like math and actually had a math LD that wasn't diagnosed yet at the time), but I was cogitively on a similar level and pretty much every kid in that program had experienced enough social exclusion and outright bullying that they were fairly nice. I was able to sort of slip through the cracks without making waves. At 16, I started studying mostly at the college level, and that was a MUCH better fit.

 

I never was in a situation where I was completely friendless-but my friends, for the most part, weren't through school, but through outside activities and church.

 

I am convinced that if there are any years to homeschool, it's middle school. I don't think I learned one thing academically, but I learned a major lesson socially-that I was a reject, not worth knowing, couldn't fit in, and so on. I don't know that I've YET fully recovered from that view of not seeing myself as being part of the group and accepted, and I still struggle with it.

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