Who can comment on your husband's weight?

[Sahamamama]

My husband has been hounded by his parents his whole life about his weight, even though they always made him "clean his plate" and "have another helping." They are Middle Eastern, so it's impolite not to offer, and impolite to refuse. But after they overfed him (as a child), they'd tell him he was fat. :glare:

 

He's 42 years old now, and they still tell him on every phone call, "You're fat, you need to work out, you need to lose weight, we love you."

 

I'm tired of this.

 

It doesn't help that his mother is a nutritionist and his father was a gymnast. But his dad had a free-wheeling kind of job (years ago), and he would leave work early every day to work out/play racquetball/play tennis/jog for 3-5 HOURS! My husband works and travels constantly, he would be happy to be able to fit in 30 minutes a day. If he's in the OR/hospital from 6:00 am to 7:00 pm or later, he's exhausted when he's done. And he still has to go out to some restaurant for supper, then back to his hotel. He's gone from home about 3 weeks out of 4 now.

 

And then there are MY parents. We live in the same town, which was too close today. :glare: My dad is forever telling me what my husband is doing wrong -- the trash didn't get put out right; he really should mow his own lawn on the one week a month he's home; he really should paint the garage door; he really should X, Y, or Z; he really should, he really should, he really should. And I say, "He's not retired, like you are, and he has more to do than put together jigsaw puzzles on the back porch." Which is all my dad has done this summer, but that's another story.

 

So today my dad said, "When [your husband] was over here the other day [hooking up their cable/new TV/moving the stand/fixing their electronics], I was talking to him about his weight."

 

And I calmly but firmly said, "If you are not his physician or his wife, you have no business saying anything to any man about his weight. And he's 42 years old, which is a full-fledged adult. He's not a child that you need to talk to like that. It really is between ___, and me, and God."

 

My dad got huffy and said, "But it is my business, because if he dies, then I have you and the kids to deal with."

 

:001_huh: Um, no. We have insurance, I have degrees, I am a grown-up, too. :001_huh: Just no.

 

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said? :tongue_smilie:

 

Okay, I'm done now. Sorry, just needed to vent, and my FAT, LAZY, IMMATURE husband is 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away from home.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

[Parrothead]

Just because they live close by does not mean you have to go to them or answer your door/phone. If they don't want to deal with you and the kids they don't have to.

 

Same works for his parents. Don't answer the phone.

 

If they cross a line, make them back up.

[zookeeper]

Good for you for standing up for him! That's just plain ridiculous and people should mind their own business.

[SKL]

Wow!

 

Then again, my family takes every opportunity to tell me I should work less. Which is essentially the same thing. Even my kids' 1st grade teacher has started telling me this now.

 

I think when it comes to weight, it's best to just relax, because it's not like everyone doesn't notice when someone in their family is heavy. I think people do worry about their loved ones' health when they are overweight. Is your husband sensitive about it, or is it more you being sensitive on his behalf?

 

I know in some cultures, telling your loved ones they are fat is not considered an insult at all; it shows caring. Personally I wasn't raised that way, but my best friend comes from such a background, and I have to remind her sometimes to hush up. Maybe your husband's family is like that. But if it still bothers him to hear it, maybe he could tell them that in a nice way. "When you bring that up, it makes me feel depressed because I'm not proud of it and there's not much I can do about it." Or how about suggesting more positive wording, e.g., "take care of your health, love you, bye."

 

As for your parents, you might just point out that your husband is aware of his weight, so bringing it up does not accomplish anything positive. In our culture, it's not a matter of having to be careful what you say; it's a matter of sticking to appropriate topics. Should your husband comment on your mom's facial hair?? But don't let this eat at you. Your husband is overweight, so what? So are most Americans. It's not a measure of his value as a person.

[Soror]

Good for you, I cannot imagine my parents making such a comment!

[Catwoman]

OK, here's what I'm thinking.

 

Like anyone cares... but let's just say you do. ;)

 

I think your dad loves you a lot and no matter who you'd married, your husband wouldn't be good enough for you. He's your dad, and in his mind, you're probably still his little girl.

 

He's probably making the comments about your dh's weight, because he feels that your dh should be working harder at staying in shape and being around for you and the kids for many years to come.

 

BUT... you did the right thing by defending your dh. Your dad needs to know that you and your dh are a team, and if he insults one of you, he has effectively insulted both of you. The snotty comments have got to go -- otherwise, you will always be a little nervous whenever you and your dh are at your parents' house, as you'll constantly be waiting for your dad to make a little dig, and watch your dh try not to make a fuss about it, and then feel like you need to defend your dh because he's being too nice.... it can be a vicious circle, and it's so hard when you love both your dad and your dh and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Catwoman

[BrookValley.]

Ugh. :grouphug: No, no one has the right to comment on your husband's weight. Parents...maybe, depending on the context/delivery. Anyone else? No.

 

My mom is a bit like this about my husband, though she's a little more subtle about it. She tends to imply that he's lazy. He does half-@** things occasionally, but lazy he is not. Distractable and rushed, yes. Lazy, no. Regardless, we're both adults, and, well, we're kinda fond of each other. Personally, I don't care if you're family--if you need to be told to back up, shut up, or otherwise stick it, I will tell you. And my mother will tell you this is true, as she has somehow managed to be on the receiving end of just such comments. ;)

 

I love your comment to your parents. Direct and to the point. It's their problem, not yours, if they can't respect the both of you with this.

[justLisa]

I don't understand how people think it's ok to do this to men. It's like they don't have feelings about it. I got really ticked off when we went to visit my inlaws the first time I met them. They have one thousand friends and an engagement party for us. These people all knew DH when younger.

 

He gained 20 pounds after we met because he was not used to someone cooking for him. There was not one person who did not pat his belly like it was cute and say something stupid. I wanted to slap every one of them.

 

I'd tell them to knock it off or don't call/come over. That is just horrible and mean.

[TXBeth]

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said? :tongue_smilie:

 

 

You say, "of course you have to be careful what you say! Avoiding inappropriate or hurtful comments about other people is part of being a mature adult."

[JessReplanted]

Good for you for standing up for him! That's just plain ridiculous and people should mind their own business.

 

:iagree:

 

My first thought is that you both need stronger boundaries with your parents. Being constantly badgered about something (weight) will only make your husband feel worse about himself. :(

[Catwoman]

I get that, but at least in my mind my dad is disrespecting me if he insults my husband (without a very good reason). My father never ever never never says one negative thing about my husband. Just like if my dad had a wife I'd never say anything about her. I respect him and he respects me.

 

:iagree:

 

My dad was always great with my dh, too, and I am the first one to defend my dh if anyone says anything mean about him.

 

I was just trying to figure out why the OP's dad was acting as he was. I definitely didn't mean to sound as though I was excusing his behavior.

[ColoNative]

My husband has been hounded by his parents his whole life about his weight, even though they always made him "clean his plate" and "have another helping." They are Middle Eastern, so it's impolite not to offer, and impolite to refuse. But after they overfed him (as a child), they'd tell him he was fat.

 

He's 42 years old now, and they still tell him on every phone call, "You're fat, you need to work out, you need to lose weight, we love you."

 

I'm tired of this.

 

It doesn't help that his mother is a nutritionist and his father was a gymnast. But his dad had a free-wheeling kind of job (years ago), and he would leave work early every day to work out/play racquetball/play tennis/jog for 3-5 HOURS! My husband works and travels constantly, he would be happy to be able to fit in 30 minutes a day. If he's in the OR/hospital from 6:00 am to 7:00 pm or later, he's exhausted when he's done. And he still has to go out to some restaurant for supper, then back to his hotel. He's gone from home about 3 weeks out of 4 now.

 

And then there are MY parents. We live in the same town, which was too close today. My dad is forever telling me what my husband is doing wrong -- the trash didn't get put out right; he really should mow his own lawn on the one week a month he's home; he really should paint the garage door; he really should X, Y, or Z; he really should, he really should, he really should. And I say, "He's not retired, like you are, and he has more to do than put together jigsaw puzzles on the back porch." Which is all my dad has done this summer, but that's another story.

 

So today my dad said, "When [your husband] was over here the other day [hooking up their cable/new TV/moving the stand/fixing their electronics], I was talking to him about his weight."

 

And I calmly but firmly said, "If you are not his physician or his wife, you have no business saying anything to any man about his weight. And he's 42 years old, which is a full-fledged adult. He's not a child that you need to talk to like that. It really is between ___, and me, and God."

 

My dad got huffy and said, "But it is my business, because if he dies, then I have you and the kids to deal with."

 

Um, no. We have insurance, I have degrees, I am a grown-up, too. Just no.

 

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said?

 

Okay, I'm done now. Sorry, just needed to vent, and my FAT, LAZY, IMMATURE husband is 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away from home.

 

:banghead::banghead:

 

I'm sorry! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I think we must have the same families :glare:...in fact, my mom has said almost the exact same thing about being careful what they say :confused:...which is why we moved far away, but it isn't far enough, so we're looking for another place to move...:tongue_smilie:

 

Blessings to you in dealing with this!

[regentrude]

Don't tell the Germans that. :tongue_smilie:

 

Making unsolicited comments to another adult about his weight is not considered OK in Germany either :)

(But both there and here, you will not find a shortage of ill-mannered people.)

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Good for you.

[happi duck]

Wow. That's just all downright cruel. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Just because they live close by does not mean you have to go to them or answer your door/phone. If they don't want to deal with you and the kids they don't have to.

 

Same works for his parents. Don't answer the phone.

 

If they cross a line, make them back up.

 

:iagree: esp bolded

[Sahamamama]

I'm sorry! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I think we must have the same families :glare:...in fact, my mom has said almost the exact same thing about being careful what they say :confused:...which is why we moved far away, but it isn't far enough, so we're looking for another place to move...:tongue_smilie:

 

Blessings to you in dealing with this!

 

Thanks. Just wondering, what do you say to your mom when she says that? Grrrr. It's so aggravating, because my mom also throws out these whimpering, guilt-inducing comments along the lines of, "Well, we're just these pottering old people with ailing/failing everything, and we don't always say or do the right thing, but we do our best........" As if. My mother is as sharp as a pack of tacks, and there is no way she's pulling that wool over my eyes. You know good and well that you are telling your adult son-in-law to lose weight, but your excuse/self-justification is that you are old? :tongue_smilie:

 

Up until recently, I never would have thought "how far away is far enough," but now I'd like to know. :bigear: How far away wasn't far enough? We're considering a move about an hour away from here. Tell me, please.

[WishboneDawn]

And then there are MY parents. We live in the same town, which was too close today. :glare: My dad is forever telling me what my husband is doing wrong -- the trash didn't get put out right; he really should mow his own lawn on the one week a month he's home; he really should paint the garage door; he really should X, Y, or Z; he really should, he really should, he really should. And I say, "He's not retired, like you are, and he has more to do than put together jigsaw puzzles on the back porch." Which is all my dad has done this summer, but that's another story.

 

So today my dad said, "When [your husband] was over here the other day [hooking up their cable/new TV/moving the stand/fixing their electronics], I was talking to him about his weight."

 

And I calmly but firmly said, "If you are not his physician or his wife, you have no business saying anything to any man about his weight. And he's 42 years old, which is a full-fledged adult. He's not a child that you need to talk to like that. It really is between ___, and me, and God."

 

My dad got huffy and said, "But it is my business, because if he dies, then I have you and the kids to deal with."

 

:001_huh: Um, no. We have insurance, I have degrees, I am a grown-up, too. :001_huh: Just no.

 

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said? :tongue_smilie:

 

Okay, I'm done now. Sorry, just needed to vent, and my FAT, LAZY, IMMATURE husband is 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away from home.

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

You can't do anything about your inlaws but you might want to just become a brick wall regarding your parents comments. Give them a polite, "I'm not going to listen to any more comments about DH." Then change the subject, hang up or walk away. If they think you're defensive, so be it. You don't have to counter that thought at all.

[Impish]

Oh, HECK to the no!

 

I'd tell MIL off in no uncertain terms if she dared to criticize Wolf to me...in fact, I have. And if I wouldn't let his MOTHER get away w/it, what do you think I'd do to anyone else? *evil grin, fangs dripping*

[WishboneDawn]

Thanks. Just wondering, what do you say to your mom when she says that? Grrrr. It's so aggravating, because my mom also throws out these whimpering, guilt-inducing comments along the lines of, "Well, we're just these pottering old people with ailing/failing everything, and we don't always say or do the right thing, but we do our best........" As if. My mother is as sharp as a pack of tacks, and there is no way she's pulling that wool over my eyes. You know good and well that you are telling your adult son-in-law to lose weight, but your excuse/self-justification is that you are old? :tongue_smilie:

 

Up until recently, I never would have thought "how far away is far enough," but now I'd like to know. :bigear: How far away wasn't far enough? We're considering a move about an hour away from here. Tell me, please.

 

When she gives you the "careful what we say," line you could turn to her and in a completely calm and polite way say, "Yes, thanks Mom. I would appreciate that."

 

My mom drives me crazy with her comments too. If I decide it's worth it then I have to be upfront and blunt otherwise nothing changes.

 

Our parents have had many years of experience. They had to deal with us as teenagers. Surely to goodness they can take some straight talk when they're being rude and pushy without falling to pieces.

[Sahamamama]

When she gives you the "careful what we say," line you could turn to her and in a completely calm and polite way say, "Yes, thanks Mom. I would appreciate that."

 

That is what I did say, "Yes, we all have to gauge what we say, all of us. And telling ____ everything you think he does wrong is in itself wrong."

 

My mom drives me crazy with her comments too. If I decide it's worth it then I have to be upfront and blunt otherwise nothing changes.

 

Our parents have had many years of experience. They had to deal with us as teenagers. Surely to goodness they can take some straight talk when they're being rude and pushy without falling to pieces.

 

True, they survived us up to now. Good point. And I'm glad to know I'm not the only person who has aging parents who play the "aging card." ;)

 

I think, I'm aging, too. Have you noticed? :tongue_smilie:

[Rosie_0801]

Thanks. Just wondering, what do you say to your mom when she says that? Grrrr. It's so aggravating, because my mom also throws out these whimpering, guilt-inducing comments along the lines of, "Well, we're just these pottering old people with ailing/failing everything, and we don't always say or do the right thing, but we do our best........" As if. My mother is as sharp as a pack of tacks, and there is no way she's pulling that wool over my eyes. You know good and well that you are telling your adult son-in-law to lose weight, but your excuse/self-justification is that you are old? :tongue_smilie:

My mum has manners, but when the ex's mum used to do this I'd tell her to pipe down because he already had a wife to nag him.

 

Rosie

[Harriet Vane]

Unless your husband is abusive in some way, drinking or drug-addicted, they really should keep it to themselves. And yes, they should be so careful about what they say, not because you are defensive, but rather because that's what it means to have good manners.

[NanceXToo]

My mum has manners, but when the ex's mum used to do this I'd tell her to pipe down because he already had a wife to nag him.

 

Rosie

 

:lol:

 

Unless your husband is abusive in some way, drinking or drug-addicted, they really should keep it to themselves. And yes, they should be so careful about what they say, not because you are defensive, but rather because that's what it means to have good manners.

 

:iagree:

 

Good for you for sticking up for him like that! Age is no excuse for being rude or tactless.

[Susan in TN]

I'm sorry. There seems to be a certain dynamic in some families which says that if you love someone, you simply say whatever is on your mind at the time without any filter. As though if they didn't say it, they would only be bottling up their feelings and it would eventually give them a heart attack or psychosis, and you wouldn't want that, now, would you? After all, "you're family" and we should be completely open and honest with each other. :glare:

 

My in-laws (the stereotypical New Yorkers) are like this. And I'll add that I have met some most lovely, wonderful people who are also from New York and do not fit the John Adam's description.

[Denisemomof4]

" We both have heard your concerns about dh's weight NUMEROUS times. This subject is not open for discussion ever again.". Over and over and over until they respect it.

 

Regarding other comments on dh"I have a wonderful husband. Our marriage and lives are our business and are not open to your scrutiny or any conversation," or "You speak of him as if he was an imbecile. He is my husband, I love him and you are being disrespectful towards both of us."

 

 

Oh, we have to watch every little thing we have to say around you! "A little discretin will go a long way."

 

"We will ask for your input if we want it."

 

 

Boundaries by Trend and Townsend. Read the book";)

Edited August 28, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[angela in ohio]

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said? :tongue_smilie:

 

Yep, just did this game a few weeks ago. I was designated driver for my family for a wedding, and while *I* was driving them safely home, the game turned to the same old "pick on Angela" from my childhood. :glare: But I'm defensive and can't take a joke.

 

Family.... :001_huh:

 

Oh, and no one can comment on your dh's weight.

[Susan in TN]

 

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said? :tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

Tell them the truth, which is what you would do to any child who needs to learn what is appropriate and what is not. "Yes, you do need to be careful what you say. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. If you need help knowing what is appropriate and what is not appropriate, I'll be happy to tell you."

[In the Rain]

Good for you for sticking up for your husband! It really sounds like you you are saying and doing the right things. :grouphug: Your families are just clueless about boundaries. :confused: Maybe it is said out of love for you all, but it clearly isn't helping.

 

Would it help to say, "Dh and I have heard your concern. We are working on our health as a family. Please don't mention it again."

 

I'm sorry your dh is working such long hours, so far from home. That sounds draining for you and him. :grouphug:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

My husband has been hounded by his parents his whole life about his weight, even though they always made him "clean his plate" and "have another helping." They are Middle Eastern, so it's impolite not to offer, and impolite to refuse. But after they overfed him (as a child), they'd tell him he was fat. :glare:

 

He's 42 years old now, and they still tell him on every phone call, "You're fat, you need to work out, you need to lose weight, we love you."

 

I'm tired of this.

 

It doesn't help that his mother is a nutritionist and his father was a gymnast. But his dad had a free-wheeling kind of job (years ago), and he would leave work early every day to work out/play racquetball/play tennis/jog for 3-5 HOURS! My husband works and travels constantly, he would be happy to be able to fit in 30 minutes a day. If he's in the OR/hospital from 6:00 am to 7:00 pm or later, he's exhausted when he's done. And he still has to go out to some restaurant for supper, then back to his hotel. He's gone from home about 3 weeks out of 4 now.

 

And then there are MY parents. We live in the same town, which was too close today. :glare: My dad is forever telling me what my husband is doing wrong -- the trash didn't get put out right; he really should mow his own lawn on the one week a month he's home; he really should paint the garage door; he really should X, Y, or Z; he really should, he really should, he really should. And I say, "He's not retired, like you are, and he has more to do than put together jigsaw puzzles on the back porch." Which is all my dad has done this summer, but that's another story.

 

So today my dad said, "When [your husband] was over here the other day [hooking up their cable/new TV/moving the stand/fixing their electronics], I was talking to him about his weight."

 

And I calmly but firmly said, "If you are not his physician or his wife, you have no business saying anything to any man about his weight. And he's 42 years old, which is a full-fledged adult. He's not a child that you need to talk to like that. It really is between ___, and me, and God."

 

My dad got huffy and said, "But it is my business, because if he dies, then I have you and the kids to deal with."

 

:001_huh: Um, no. We have insurance, I have degrees, I am a grown-up, too. :001_huh: Just no.

 

Then my mom comes into the room and says, "We just have to be so careful what we say." Which is like saying, "You are so defensive." How can anyone contradict that, without being defensive. How can anyone contradict the "we have to be careful what we say" line, without objecting to what was said? :tongue_smilie:

 

Okay, I'm done now. Sorry, just needed to vent, and my FAT, LAZY, IMMATURE husband is 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away from home.

 

 

Wow. You are being much, much more polite than I would have been. I'm really sorry :grouphug:

[BlsdMama]

Wow. :( Just wow.

 

*I* would never say anything to my DH like that, I can't imagine our parents doing it. And I try to imagine one set or the other telling me anything about weight (and I'm fairly trim) and I would struggle with not poking out someone's eyeball and I think I'm a (fairly) nice person.

 

No, no, it's not okay.