Friend banned from school group...wwyd

[Tidbits of Learning]

I am friends with another homeschool mom. She has joined many groups that I belong to over the past few years. All of those groups met at church's and were a do unto others as you would have them do unto you type groups. They would ignore anyone that stirred trouble and take down controversial posts. My friend liked to stir trouble on the hs groups forum type site. She would eventually get mad and leave the group when people would quit responding to her antagonistic posts. This did cause me a bit of grief as I was her "in" at these groups. So I got a bad reputation by association in some of the groups.

Fast forward to this year, we are both doing virtual school. There is a social/support fb group for our charter ran by a local Mom in the charter. This friend started off as usual getting along and all that...3 weeks in she has wrote comments on the leaders post that could be interpreted as hostile or trying to start a debate. Well, this is not a Christian group and the leader banned her on her 3rd hostile post. No warning-no don't do that again...just 3 strikes you are out. The posts in question were always removed. It was never discussed on the board. My friend pm'd the leader and asked why she was banned. The leader told her she had kept personally attacking her in posts. My friend tried to start a debate with the leader in the pm's and the leader said both mods decided it before they banned her.

Now said friend and her kids can't participate in any of the local outings and socials for the local charter group. First thing she assumed was that b/c she was banned that I was going to leave the group. Then she created another fb group and wanted me to mod and assist with her ideas for the older grades. I wound up calling her on the phone and telling her that I wasn't interested in moderating or setting up another group. I told her my big kids had enough to do with scouts, 4h, hs co-op, and the like. My big kids plan their own stuff at this point and I am along for the ride. My little one can go to park days with the virtual charter group and our hs group.

I feel bad b/c she has about 4 people including herself in her new fb group. I don't want to be a part of it, but I don't want to remove myself from the group as it would be very noticeable. She thinks she was right, but having been in 3 other groups with her over the years. ..this is a pattern and her kids suffer for it. I feel that someone needs to tell her that she is limiting her kids ability to flourish in groups and make friends by always being conflicting on the group's sites and such, but I don't think she will listen to me.

I actually feel relief that I don't have to go behind her trying to diffuse hostile posts and such. I have often had to go behind her to smooth things over before she would quit groups. In one group she left horribly one year and was on a black list, my family was involved in the group the next year again and she asked me to get her back in. It took several phone calls for the board to let her back in. She was stirring trouble within 2 weeks and gone in a month and never paid any dues. So I am not exactly sad that she is not going to be in the virtual charter group. She is no longer in any groups I belong to...I want to leave her group on fb, but it is so sad right now with 4 people.

Would you broach the subject with her and let her know that her behavior is responsible for her lack of groups and activities for her kids to belong? Or would you wait a month and hope she gets some more members for her break-away group and quietly leave the group?

[Mom2OandE]

Well I don't do drama so I would leave the group especially if she has a reputation for that behavior. You do not want it to reflect badly on you or your family.

 

In regards to talking to her I would likely struggle with that but it does sound like someone should talk to her.

[elfgivas]

i'm all for natural consequences. one of the natural consequences of being unpleasant online is that folks don't want you in their groups, and don't want to be in a group with you. so if you don't want to be part of the group, you could hide all posts by the group, or you could leave, or you could wait for the first snarky comment and then leave.

 

fwiw,

ann

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[freeindeed]

I would leave the FB group and discuss her problems with her. She needs to know that her behavior has consequences.

[Soror]

I wouldn't leave the group unless you wanted to do so. I would try very hard not to discuss her with the others in the group. As to talking to her about it I likely would. I'm not sure how, but I believe that as a friend I think it my duty when I see a friend doing something that is harming themselves and their kids. I try to be understanding in such situations but also firm.

[Plucky]

You could talk to her, but it sounds like she is difficult. I don't like drama. Can you just let the friendship fade away?

[Catwoman]

It seems to me that you're doing the right thing by being upfront with her about not wanting to be involved in her new group, and by telling her that you're not leaving the old one.

 

Honestly, it sounds like she's a confrontational person, so if you tell her -- no matter how gently -- that she may be even slightly to blame for her issues in dealing with groups and group leaders, I would suspect that she will get very defensive and think you've taken sides against her.

 

I would let things lie, and not get in the middle of it.

 

If she ever asks you why you think you are able to get along in these groups while she is not, you could politely tell her that you try to be laid-back about things, are careful about picking your battles, and realize that things can't always be your way. There's a lot to be said for not having the responsibility of organizing and running a group, so sometimes you have to give the leaders a break, and trust that they are doing the best they can, rather than confront them on every tiny little perceived offense. I think you'd have to be careful with your phrasing so it doesn't seem like you're condemning her choice to be confrontational, but rather that you don't think it's worth getting upset over every little thing, and that it's more relaxing to just go with the flow most of the time.

 

Overall, though, I hope you're able to keep the friendship with this woman, but if she tries to make you choose sides, I'm not sure that hers is the side you want to be on. :grouphug:

[kitten18]

I say she made her bed, she can lie in it. Shrug.

 

I see no reason you need to be active in a group of her making. You can stay a member and just not participate, or quietly leave. If she questions you, say you are too busy with other things. That's it. Her battle doesn't have to be yours.

:iagree:

[jujsky]

I would stay on the FB group, but wouldn't participate in it. I think that would cause the least amount of drama. If she is that much of a pot-stirrer, do you think she would listen to you if you tried to talk to her, or would that just erupt into more drama? If you think she will listen, approach her. If you think it will cause more drama, don't bother.

[Mimm]

Wow, she sounds like a bit of a chore doesn't she? :) I agree with everyone else. Be up front about what you are going to do, don't get involved in her group and whatever you do, don't stick your neck out for her like that again.

[momma2three]

I would stay in the group, but just put it on ignore if there are a lot of updates. It seems like it would cause even more drama to leave.

 

I feel bad for her kids, if her attitude is getting them ostracized.

[*Michelle*]

It seems to me that if she hasn't figured out the consequences of her behavior already, your pointing it out isn't going to accomplish it either.

 

I would bow out politely. I try to avoid melodrama.

[Tidbits of Learning]

Well, when I talked to her about not moderating or being involved she seemed to not understand why. She did say several times for me not to feel obligated to stay in the group. I decided to go ahead and remove myself from her new fb group. I just feel that she will expect me to be involved and that by staying in the group...I am not being honest.

If she asks me about it or emails me about it (that is more her style), then I am just going to tell her we couldn't take on another group. I honestly don't feel that she will realize she is at fault. I have never let on to her how hard it was to get her back into the other hs group last year. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I did tell her in the phone conversation that while I think the leader's post were not great that I had decided to lay low this year and just enjoy the activities. I don't think the other people she placed in her group are going to join it really either. It is one of those fb groups and people can put you in them without you agreeing to it.

[Night Elf]

I wouldn't point out her behavior as it doesn't matter anymore. I'm sure she really believes she is the victim in everything. The only bad thing is if she asks you to get her back into the group. You'll have to tell her no and I'm sure that will be hard for you, unless you do talk to the group's leaders, but I don't think that will look good for you.

[Dobela]

I have been in a similar situation with a local friend - although her issue is a pack of kids that are poorly behaved, poor hygiene, a lack of respect for others (constantly late, unprepared, etc, etc), and an air of arrogance that still amazes me. Other homeschoolers just dread her and her family. THis is her 3rd state to homeschool in and she has tales from each one about how groups seem to dissipate after she joins. When approached about her behavior or her kids, she doesn't seem to believe it is her problem, but rather the problem of those she is with (you have heard about tolerance, right??).

 

So, you can approach her if you want, but don't count on it making any difference. Well, other than her getting mad at you next.

[Catwoman]

Well, when I talked to her about not moderating or being involved she seemed to not understand why. She did say several times for me not to feel obligated to stay in the group. I decided to go ahead and remove myself from her new fb group. I just feel that she will expect me to be involved and that by staying in the group...I am not being honest.

If she asks me about it or emails me about it (that is more her style), then I am just going to tell her we couldn't take on another group. I honestly don't feel that she will realize she is at fault. I have never let on to her how hard it was to get her back into the other hs group last year. I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I did tell her in the phone conversation that while I think the leader's post were not great that I had decided to lay low this year and just enjoy the activities. I don't think the other people she placed in her group are going to join it really either. It is one of those fb groups and people can put you in them without you agreeing to it.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. :thumbup:

[Ellie]

It seems to me that if she hasn't figured out the consequences of her behavior already, your pointing it out isn't going to accomplish it either.

 

I would bow out politely. I try to avoid melodrama.

:iagree:

[Trish]

I would let her take care of her own business and stay out of all of it. If asked why you aren't *whatevering* I'd say "I'm too busy for the drama, I just want to do what's best for my kids." If you get arguments/reasons/pushback/threats/longdrawnoutconversations etc over it I'd say "this is exactly what I'm trying to avoid, I don't have time for this." If you get accused of being a bad friend...

 

*shrug*

[Mama2Many4]

I hate drama. She sounds like she's very immature and tries to start fights for excitement. That's the sort of things that "trolls" do to amuse themselves online. You know, push the dominoes over and see how far it all goes. I would not be a part of anything that she does or even maintain the friendship with her. Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you see that you're there. There is a reason that she only has 4 people including her in her group. Live your life and don't let her tarnish it.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I hate drama. She sounds like she's very immature and tries to start fights for excitement. That's the sort of things that "trolls" do to amuse themselves online. You know, push the dominoes over and see how far it all goes. I would not be a part of anything that she does or even maintain the friendship with her. Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you see that you're there. There is a reason that she only has 4 people including her in her group. Live your life and don't let her tarnish it.

 

Yes, I would say she is trollish online. I just didn't want to lump her into that category. Honestly, now that we aren't in any groups together...I really can't see us moving in the same circles. I appreciate all the words of wisdom.