Can teenagers of the opposite sex really be friends?

[J-rap]

Absolutely, but it depends on the kids. Kids who are more mature, more self-confident, and aren't always on the lookout for a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship can be just good friends.

 

I agree -- as someone else said -- that this is probably a little more difficult for boys to do, but I've seen it happen many times.

[Firefly]

Absolutely. Both DS and DD have both guy and girl friends.

[Denisemomof4]

I had several long term friendships with guys. They did like me but respected my feelings of wanting to be friends only. I adored them and they were like brothers to me. I grew up in CA and moved to NH. Two of them came to my wedding, one I am STILL friends with.

 

So my answer is YES.:001_smile:

 

Girls these days are too assertive. I don't know if your son's friend would respect his wishes or not.

[OrganicAnn]

I say yes, but it probably rare. Because they either drift off to find a relationship or someone they have more in common with. I think often it is the case where one person likes the other as more than a friend, but is willing to be a friend if that is all they can be.

[Mom-ninja.]

I had more guy friends as a teen than girls. I got along better with guys. The girls were all so catty and back stabbing.

 

I never had one of my guy friends hint for anything more.

[Debbie in OR]

I think we will talk about that later today. How to head off those type of signals and not lead a girl on.

 

Would you please do this and then in-service the rest of us? :).

 

We are running into this exact same scenario and we can't seem to figure out how to communicate that ANY hint of pursuit (texting back, seeing if they want to hang out, etc) will engage most girls' hearts at this age. He doesn't see it (because he is not interested in them) and we clearly have not hit on the magic explanation for him to have an "aha" moment.

 

We'll just wait for you to handle it brilliantly and report back :)!

Edited August 25, 2012 by Debbie in OR

[Debbie in OR]

No.

 

Heh ;)

[bobbeym]

Yes, but I think it depends on the person's personality.

 

I had plenty of guy friends in high school and that's all we ever were. I know there were a couple I felt attracted to and would have pursued dating if they'd been open to it, but they'd made it clear they didn't see me the same way. Eventually the attraction faded when I focused on the friendship.

 

DS18 has always had plenty of girls in his gang of groupees. They all know he's always been taken so it's never been an issue for him.

[Mrs Mungo]

One of my best friends in college was a guy. He did like me, but I didn't realize it at first. I became friends with him before I even met my now-dh. But then, long after I was totally in love with dh, my friend came onto me one night, saying he was in love with me and such, and we really had a falling out that resulted in us no longer being friends. :(

 

Do I think it is possible? Yes. Do I think the attraction issues can get in the way of that friendship at any point? Yes.

[DawnM]

I have many guy friends that I made in high school and college. They are still my friends. I certainly think it is possible, but doesn't work for everyone.

[Joanne]

Of course they can.

[Nakia]

One of my best friends from childhood through high school was a guy. There was never anything more than a friendship between us. Actually it was an amazing friendship until he got married and his wife wouldn't "allow" him to have female friends (don't get me started). I had lots of other guy friends as a teen too.

 

BTW, I still get along better with men than women.

 

I definitely think it's possible. It might be rare that it works out, but it is certainly possible.

[lauranc]

I always thought they could, but I'm starting to wonder. Even when I was a teen I realized that a lot of my guy friends liked me more than just a friend.

 

My ds has a lot of friends that are girls as well as guys. I thought if anyone could pull it off he could, but the other night one of his friends literally jumped on him and tried to make out with him, and the one girl in his posse (they are teens LOL) likes him desperately. He's had trouble with girls at work as well.

 

He's chosen not to date right now because he's about to go off to university, he's already had his heart crushed by 2 girls he liked and it hurt, and he strongly dislikes the constant break ups of all his friends that end up with the couple hating each other.

 

We adore the girl in his posse, but he considers her one of the guys. Yes, my ds is good looking, but he's also very sweet. He likes to have a lot of friends and have fun. Now I think he will be losing that one friend that is a girl because he is having to tell her that it's not gonna happen.

 

Can teenagers just be friends?

 

Yes. My 17 yr old son has many friends who are girls.

[Remudamom]

Actually, I'll take my "no" back. I did know a guy in high school that had lots of friend girls. He was gay. I never had a friend that was a boy that didn't want more than friendship, even if they were clever enough to hide the fact.

[scrappyhappymama]

But I don't think having some level of attraction and interest means you aren't friends. It just complicates things.

 

I do think men and women are different on many levels, and different to their souls, and that is true even for "Tom boy" type girls. They are still different, though we are all on spectrums, and no girl can really be, "one of the guys." Girls aren't guys. Girls can badly wish they were and can fancy themselves as being different from other girls, but they still aren't guys.

 

So you son may need to start to think about how friendships with girls are differ from friendships with guys. He may need to think about creating boundaries with girls, not being alone with girls, not creating the appearance of impropriety. But he need to also think about the great things girls bring to friendships that they may miss with guy friends - the spontaneous affection, ability to talk about feelings, encouragement, etc.

 

I think that often boys and girls bring different things to friendships, and having friends of both genders is a blessing. But one does need to think intentionally about friendships with the opposite sex. And as a mom of boys, I also talk to my son about the different obligations one might have to the opposite gender, though situations can differ. For example, he knows that I consider him to have some responsibility for protecting females, making sure they are home safe, etc.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

"Just Friends" has different meanings to different people. Especially people of different genders.

 

I found these videos on the subject to be very interesting.

 

Why Men and Women Can't Be Friends

 

In a relationship? Why Men and Women Can't Be Friends

 

And of course, When Harry Met Sally settled all this long ago. :D

 

Seriously though, I do think it is possible for two people to be just friends, that is, not in a physical or sexual relationship, even if there is a mutual or one sided attraction. According to those videos, attraction = not just friends. So under that definition, perhaps not often. But there are plenty of folks who have genuine affection for each other, but manage to keep themselves and those feelings in check.

 

But I do know many couples who choose not to spend any time *alone* with members of the opposite gender, and I must say I think it is often a good idea. It is not difficult for genuine affection to turn into something more, given the opportunity. So some folks choose to have "just friends" but also not to give opportunity.

[RoughCollie]

My DD has a lot of male friends and she hangs out with them in groups. From time to time, one or more of them will get a crush on her. She tells them point blank that she is not interested in dating at all because she has a heavy load of AP classes and JROTC activities coming up, and she doesn't have time.

 

If the guy doesn't get the message, DS1 steps in to take things down a notch.

[TravelingChris]

Dd seems to think so. I don't agree but am not pushing it. She doesn't see that all the guys who keep contacting her (guys she knew from where we lived before) and guys who came to the College Aged bible study and social events were probably coming at least partially because she is a really pretty girl who dresses better than the other girls at church in her age group and has more common interests with them. She would have them at our house for game night and there would be her and four or five guys. That wasn't random. Now what inevitably happened if other girls did come to one of those meetings, they would jealously behave towards my dd and the guys saw that and even less liked them. My dd has very particular ideas about dressing for church - mainly wearing nice dresses, and many of the other girls are wearing kind of junky looking clothes- ratty jeans, etc. As dd said, they would then give dd an evil eye look but the guys ( I am sure though she didn't notice) did appreciate the whole sundress look.

[TravelingChris]

Oh and I should also relate my own experiences- it wasn't possible. There was this guy in college who I was completely not attracted to but thought he was my friend. Nope, in our sophomore year, he asked me out and I was horrified. That was when I was already meeting my future husband though we were not an item yet. Part of my puzzlement was that all the guys I had gone out with in freshman year (3) were tall and blonde. My future husband was tall and strawberry blonde. He was shorter than me and dark haired, in fact, not northern European like all the others. So I had thought he knew what my type was and that he didn't meet it.

[reign]

Most male/female friendships I have known someone had at least some attraction or feelings. Doesn't mean these were acted on or disclosed.

 

So I think it is possible but rare!

Edited August 25, 2012 by reign

[fairfarmhand]

But I don't think having some level of attraction and interest means you aren't friends. It just complicates things.

 

I do think men and women are different on many levels, and different to their souls, and that is true even for "Tom boy" type girls. They are still different, though we are all on spectrums, and no girl can really be, "one of the guys." Girls aren't guys. Girls can badly wish they were and can fancy themselves as being different from other girls, but they still aren't guys.

 

So you son may need to start to think about how friendships with girls are differ from friendships with guys. He may need to think about creating boundaries with girls, not being alone with girls, not creating the appearance of impropriety. But he need to also think about the great things girls bring to friendships that they may miss with guy friends - the spontaneous affection, ability to talk about feelings, encouragement, etc.

 

I think that often boys and girls bring different things to friendships, and having friends of both genders is a blessing. But one does need to think intentionally about friendships with the opposite sex. And as a mom of boys, I also talk to my son about the different obligations one might have to the opposite gender, though situations can differ. For example, he knows that I consider him to have some responsibility for protecting females, making sure they are home safe, etc.

:iagree:

 

I had guy friends in high school, but I was also in a long-term boyfriend relationship (whom I later married) so there was NO HINT that there could possibly be anything more. It was fun!

[Plucky]

Would you please do this and then in-service the rest of us? :).

 

We are running into this exact same scenario and we can't seem to figure out how to communicate that ANY hint of pursuit (texting back, seeing if they want to hang out, etc) will engage most girls' hearts at this age. He doesn't see it (because he is not interested in them) and we clearly have not hit on the magic explanation for him to have an "aha" moment.

 

We'll just wait for you to handle it brilliantly and report back :)!

 

I was kind of hoping someone here would clue me in. :lol:

 

The thing is that when a girl comes on to a guy and is rejected they are deeply hurt. Guys are supposed to take rejection and boys are just supposed to take advantage of a situation so as not to hurt the girl. My ds is not like that, but it seems to be the reality.

 

I'm thinking that if you are friends with the opposite sex then maybe don't be alone with them anywhere unless you are absolutely sure there is no attraction from either side.

 

And Debbie, the guys being the more platonic of the friend couple is unusual it seems. Here is a video from a college campus that is very interesting.

[ereks mom]

Of course they can.

 

And of course a particular set of people could change from friends to romance. I mean, if that never happened, the whole genre of romantic comedy would have less than half the movies it does now! But that doesn't mean that happens every time.

 

:iagree:

[Coffeetime]

Sure they can.

 

I don't really get why having a one-sided crush has to be such a big deal. It's as simple to put to rest as "I really enjoy having you as a friend, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship". Isn't unrequited love a teenage right of passage? I'm pretty sure it won't damage them for life. ;)

 

Anecdotally, my dh's best friend growing up was a girl. When dh and I met she pulled away from the friendship for a short time- turns out she had a crush on him. She got over it, and today the three of us are wonderful friends. I absolutely adore her and we're very close. :001_smile:

[kalanamak]

Most of my friends in HS (and beyond) were guys. And I was one of the guys. It was never an issue and I don't think (as in none of them even suggested) any had romantic feelings toward me. And, heck, we used to go midnight pool hopping / skinny dipping in the HS years.

 

 

We were a pack of about 30, almost all teacher's kids. I recall one couple, who came to the group as a couple, and rather mature for their age, but they didn't marry, and one pair that did finally marry after leaving home/town, but all the rest of us were just pals. We did a lot of night time skinneydipping in the lake. It was dark, and we were mostly in the water, and I don't recall seeing very much. Every now and then we'd have a crasher who didn't understand the scenario, but we quickly put them right.

 

Once I had a friend over, and I closed my door because he wanted to play the guitar and I didn't want to disturb my mother. She came and opened the door and said not to have it closed, wink, wink. Ted and I just had no clue. Finally my mother said, "with a boy, you know!" Since we had absolutely no feelings for each other, it was a little embarrassing, and we had to stifle giggles. It seemed so "quaint". Gosh, I was 17 and walked all over town, including the rather deserted cemetery near my house, and if we'd wanted to neck, the last thing I would have done was bring him to my house. Plus, with the guitar playing, how many free hands did he have? :lol:

 

But perhaps, since this was post-Pill and pre-herpes, and if you wanted someone to sleep with, it wasn't hard to find, I was safer from unwanted attention.

 

It is also locale. In my college years (West coast) I often pal'd around with nerds. If they had any interest, they were too shy to make any noise about it. Then I moved to NYC, and discovered that the nerds were VERY aggressive. Meeting a classmate for dinner was an invitation to sex. Offering to let someone come over and try out my NordicTrack meant I'd get a guy with his pants down and his member erect on my machine. That was the end of male friendships (and basically all friendships) until I got the heck out of NYC.

[SunnyDays]

But I do know many couples who choose not to spend any time *alone* with members of the opposite gender, and I must say I think it is often a good idea. It is not difficult for genuine affection to turn into something more, given the opportunity. So some folks choose to have "just friends" but also not to give opportunity.

 

In general, that seems like a wise idea. For the friend I described, we would occasionally have lunch together, in public, some years back when our offices were near each other. Not a big deal. However, had I wanted to have this friend over to the house for an extended period with DH not home, or travel with friend, or something like that, I could have seen DH shooting it down... not because he was worried or jealous, but simply because things can change if given the right atmosphere or opportunity.

[teachermom2834]

I think it is possible. In my own experiences and that of my ds I would say that boys and girls can just be have friends. Over time, I think it is pretty common for the feelings to change and be in different places on the spectrum of "friends with zero attraction" to "in love". Over the course of years of friendship with particular boys I think there were times when one of us did start to have an attraction to the other and vice versa. Feelings were kept in check, though, and a nice friendship survived weathering those feelings.

 

I see that with my ds. He has a very good friend (a friend-girl is what I call her). They have alot in common and have a truly nice supportive friendship. She, however, has always had a crush. He, I think, has sometimes had a mild interest. So far they have kept it at friends and it has been a positive relationship. They are young though- just starting high school. I'm waiting to see how the girl handles it if he does take an interest in another girl. I feel bad for her already. It's just part of the teenage experience, though. I'm waiting to see how this one plays out over the next few years.