Can teenagers of the opposite sex really be friends?

[Plucky]

I always thought they could, but I'm starting to wonder. Even when I was a teen I realized that a lot of my guy friends liked me more than just a friend.

 

My ds has a lot of friends that are girls as well as guys. I thought if anyone could pull it off he could, but the other night one of his friends literally jumped on him and tried to make out with him, and the one girl in his posse (they are teens LOL) likes him desperately. He's had trouble with girls at work as well.

 

He's chosen not to date right now because he's about to go off to university, he's already had his heart crushed by 2 girls he liked and it hurt, and he strongly dislikes the constant break ups of all his friends that end up with the couple hating each other.

 

We adore the girl in his posse, but he considers her one of the guys. Yes, my ds is good looking, but he's also very sweet. He likes to have a lot of friends and have fun. Now I think he will be losing that one friend that is a girl because he is having to tell her that it's not gonna happen.

 

Can teenagers just be friends?

[TranquilMind]

I always thought they could, but I'm starting to wonder. Even when I was a teen I realized that a lot of my guy friends liked me more than just a friend.

 

My ds has a lot of friends that are girls as well as guys. I thought if anyone could pull it off he could, but the other night one of his friends literally jumped on him and tried to make out with him, and the one girl in his posse (they are teens LOL) likes him desperately. He's had trouble with girls at work as well.

 

He's chosen not to date right now because he's about to go off to university, he's already had his heart crushed by 2 girls he liked and it hurt, and he strongly dislikes the constant break ups of all his friends that end up with the couple hating each other.

 

We adore the girl in his posse, but he considers her one of the guys. Yes, my ds is good looking, but he's also very sweet. He likes to have a lot of friends and have fun. Now I think he will be losing that one friend that is a girl because he is having to tell her that it's not gonna happen.

 

Can teenagers just be friends?

 

Yes, but only if there is no attraction whatsoever.

[Plucky]

Yes, but only if there is no attraction whatsoever.

 

How does that work though? Sometimes, obviously attraction grows over time.

[Dory]

As a general rule, I would say no. Simply from watching my brothers. 4 out of 5 of them were only able to have casual friendships with girls because they would always end up wanting to be more than just friends.

My one brother though always had more female friends than male friends and was always (and still is) a gentleman.

My best friend now has two very close male friends that she has had since middle school and they have always been just friends. All of them are married now too.

 

 

I think it completely depends on the teenagers personalities.

[Momof3littles]

Yes, I definitely think so. I had a lot of guy friends in high school who were truly just friends. In a few cases there was more than that on one side or the other, but I definitely had some very good male friends, and I was never tempted to take it further with them at all. Not even a little bit tempted. We just didn't have that type of relationship.

 

I can see how that would be really difficult for him to navigate though. If a girl is saying "we're just friends" and then jumps on you, that's a lot to process and handle.

[justLisa]

My best friend was a guy. Funny thing is he had the same name as my husband! We were BEST friends. He used to come over and go swimming with me. I would randomly stop by his house and hang out with his mother. He joined the army and I was beside my self. It was like I lost a brother. We kept in touch and would write each other letters every single day.

[TranquilMind]

How does that work though? Sometimes, obviously attraction grows over time.

 

Well, sometimes. If it does, and one person pursues the other, it is rare that the friendship survives. If it growns and there is no pursuit, it could continue, I suppose. But people, being the way they are, desire closure. Few of us will live with an attraction for a long time without getting it out there.

[Plucky]

Yes, I definitely think so. I had a lot of guy friends in high school who were truly just friends. In a few cases there was more than that on one side or the other, but I definitely had some very good male friends, and I was never tempted to take it further with them at all. Not even a little bit tempted. We just didn't have that type of relationship.

 

I can see how that would be really difficult for him to navigate though. If a girl is saying "we're just friends" and then jumps on you, that's a lot to process and handle.

 

Well, to be honest I could see this coming. It was getting obvious to me when she was posting pics of him on fb with her all the time. My ds likes to bury his head in the sand.

 

I'm sure she was sending even more signals when they were together. I think we will talk about that later today. How to head off those type of signals and not lead a girl on. I feel bad for the girl. Yeah, she pushed too far, but she's got to be hurting.

[LaxMom]

Most of my friends in HS (and beyond) were guys. And I was one of the guys. It was never an issue and I don't think (as in none of them even suggested) any had romantic feelings toward me. And, heck, we used to go midnight pool hopping / skinny dipping in the HS years.

 

I dated, but not within my buddy group, as did they.

[swellmomma]

I think they can. Most of my friends in high school were guys. There was never romantic feelings between us. generally speaking unless you were dating the guy you weren't 1-on-1 with him, it was a group of us, but there was plenty of times when it was me and 1 other girl with like 5 guys just hanging out, no big deal.

 

Now if I had been the kind of girl that was boy crazy etc it likely wouldn't have worked. Or the guys had been hound dogs it wouldn't have worked. I was dating someone else that was not in that group of friends so it wasn't like that with them kwim. Even now I find I get along better with guys, it is a personality thing. I can not play the social game needed to be friends with girls, I am too blunt usually.

 

As an older teen/young adult my best friend was a guy. He was my labour coach when I had ds8 and ds's middle name was from him. Nothing was ever romantic between us. We just had fun. Would ride his motorbike around, go on teh ghost tours. Just sit on the couch and talk for hours etc.

[Plucky]

My best friend was a guy. Funny thing is he had the same name as my husband! We were BEST friends. He used to come over and go swimming with me. I would randomly stop by his house and hang out with his mother. He joined the army and I was beside my self. It was like I lost a brother. We kept in touch and would write each other letters every single day.

 

That is so sweet. I think my ds has some girl friends like that, but he also has sister and he is very close to me so he likes females in general and feels very comfortable with them.

[Plucky]

Well, sometimes. If it does, and one person pursues the other, it is rare that the friendship survives. If it growns and there is no pursuit, it could continue, I suppose. But people, being the way they are, desire closure. Few of us will live with an attraction for a long time without getting it out there.

 

I agree. I do admit my son should have noticed some things but he's sometimes obtuse about that.

 

I like to tell my dd, "Oh, you like John?. He's hsed so he won't like girls or know what to do with them until he's at least 18 or 19." And that isn't an insult, some just develop those feelings later.

[jujsky]

Most of my closest friends in school were guys. I got the sense that some liked me, but some definitely saw me in the friends zone only. Yes, I think guys and girls can be just friends.

[Plucky]

Most of my friends in HS (and beyond) were guys. And I was one of the guys. It was never an issue and I don't think (as in none of them even suggested) any had romantic feelings toward me. And, heck, we used to go midnight pool hopping / skinny dipping in the HS years.

 

I dated, but not within my buddy group, as did they.

 

My dd has a lot of guy friends and a couple she's like that didn't like her back. :crying: So I know it's possible, but that liking someone more thing stinks.

[Dmmetler]

Yes, but I think it's easier when the friendship forms through common interests, especially ones where you have a lot in common but are also in competition at times-because that relationship transcends gender. I also have to say that the guy who I regularly found myself baring my soul to, in ways that I couldn't do with either many of my male friends OR female friends is now a happily Gay psychologist, and I'm betting he's darned good at it!

[Farrar]

Of course they can.

 

And of course a particular set of people could change from friends to romance. I mean, if that never happened, the whole genre of romantic comedy would have less than half the movies it does now! But that doesn't mean that happens every time.

[Plucky]

Yes, but I think it's easier when the friendship forms through common interests, especially ones where you have a lot in common but are also in competition at times-because that relationship transcends gender. I also have to say that the guy who I regularly found myself baring my soul to, in ways that I couldn't do with either many of my male friends OR female friends is now a happily Gay psychologist, and I'm betting he's darned good at it!

 

You helped him get his start! :lol:

[elegantlion]

Most of my friends in HS (and beyond) were guys. And I was one of the guys. It was never an issue and I don't think (as in none of them even suggested) any had romantic feelings toward me. And, heck, we used to go midnight pool hopping / skinny dipping in the HS years.

 

I dated, but not within my buddy group, as did they.

 

This was me, except for the skinny dipping thing.:lol: We just all hung out together. I didn't hang around them because I wanted to date one of them, it was just easier for me to relate to guys.

 

I do think it's possible.

[Plucky]

As a general rule, I would say no. Simply from watching my brothers. 4 out of 5 of them were only able to have casual friendships with girls because they would always end up wanting to be more than just friends.

My one brother though always had more female friends than male friends and was always (and still is) a gentleman.

My best friend now has two very close male friends that she has had since middle school and they have always been just friends. All of them are married now too.

 

 

I think it completely depends on the teenagers personalities.

 

Maybe. I think some of it may be a numbers thing. My ds has a lot of female friends and so I guess in that case there are bound to be a few that like him.

[Mommy22alyns]

Yes, absolutely IME. I had more male than female friends throughout my teen years. Sure, a couple ended up being gay, but ;) there were never any "complications." I have a lot of fond memories.

[Plucky]

Of course they can.

 

And of course a particular set of people could change from friends to romance. I mean, if that never happened, the whole genre of romantic comedy would have less than half the movies it does now! But that doesn't mean that happens every time.

 

That's true. But is really sucks for the one whose feeling change and of course can make it awkward or kill the friendship.

[Plucky]

I think they can. Most of my friends in high school were guys. There was never romantic feelings between us. generally speaking unless you were dating the guy you weren't 1-on-1 with him, it was a group of us, but there was plenty of times when it was me and 1 other girl with like 5 guys just hanging out, no big deal.

 

Now if I had been the kind of girl that was boy crazy etc it likely wouldn't have worked. Or the guys had been hound dogs it wouldn't have worked. I was dating someone else that was not in that group of friends so it wasn't like that with them kwim. Even now I find I get along better with guys, it is a personality thing. I can not play the social game needed to be friends with girls, I am too blunt usually.

 

As an older teen/young adult my best friend was a guy. He was my labour coach when I had ds8 and ds's middle name was from him. Nothing was ever romantic between us. We just had fun. Would ride his motorbike around, go on teh ghost tours. Just sit on the couch and talk for hours etc.

 

I think that would've been fun. Thanks goodness for male cousins. I did those things with them.

[Impish]

Let's just say I wouldn't put hormones to the test and have them spend extended time alone.

[Plucky]

Of course. In fact, I think it's a bit odd to think they could not. There are plenty of teens who are able to be genuine friends without any sex.

 

I know. The subject thread was really tongue-in-cheek. I'm just frustrated at the outcome. It's hard being a teenager and then throw in all those crazy, hurt feelings.

[Impish]

Good grief. These are humans, not dogs. By the way, how's your puppy doing? Is your Pyrenese (isn't that what you have) still tolerating his puppy antics?

Cassie was put down last wk.

[sparrow]

There was a story on NPR about this a couple of months ago. Two recent studies show that typically the males in these relationships think there is/will be more to the relationship. This was my experience, as well.

 

You can read the NPR transcript here:

 

http://www.wbur.org/npr/155197529/can-men-and-women-be-friends

 

 

 

Cassie was put down last wk.

 

:grouphug:

[Plucky]

There was a story on NPR about this a couple of months ago. Two recent studies show that typically the males in these relationships think there is/will be more to the relationship. This was my experience, as well.

 

You can read the NPR transcript here:

 

http://www.wbur.org/npr/155197529/can-men-and-women-be-friends

 

 

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

That is really interesting. Thanks for linking that. I do think for a lot of guys they have some feelings for the girl, not always of course. I wonder if that is why his friend thinks they could be romantic. Besides the fact that he's missing or ignoring signals he needs to deflect.

[Plucky]

Let's just say I wouldn't put hormones to the test and have them spend extended time alone.

 

True, but he's 18 and she's almost 20. He's about to go off to college as well.

[Guest]

Didn't you read Harry Potter? Harry and Hermione = JUST friends! :D

 

I did have a very dear (guy) friend in my early teens. I was always open for it to be more, though, and I later found out that he was too shy to take it there.

[Danestress]

But I don't think having some level of attraction and interest means you aren't friends. It just complicates things.

 

I do think men and women are different on many levels, and different to their souls, and that is true even for "Tom boy" type girls. They are still different, though we are all on spectrums, and no girl can really be, "one of the guys." Girls aren't guys. Girls can badly wish they were and can fancy themselves as being different from other girls, but they still aren't guys.

 

So you son may need to start to think about how friendships with girls are differ from friendships with guys. He may need to think about creating boundaries with girls, not being alone with girls, not creating the appearance of impropriety. But he need to also think about the great things girls bring to friendships that they may miss with guy friends - the spontaneous affection, ability to talk about feelings, encouragement, etc.

 

I think that often boys and girls bring different things to friendships, and having friends of both genders is a blessing. But one does need to think intentionally about friendships with the opposite sex. And as a mom of boys, I also talk to my son about the different obligations one might have to the opposite gender, though situations can differ. For example, he knows that I consider him to have some responsibility for protecting females, making sure they are home safe, etc.

[PeacefulChaos]

Yes.

While it's true there may be some attraction one way or another during the friendship, usually it'll fade and they'll get past it. At least that was always my experience in high school. :)

FTR, I was good friends with several guys - 5 or so. One was absolute best friend, hands down - the others I was really close to, also. And, in the spirit of full disclosure, I was a huge flirt so some of us flirted back and forth but it never really meant anything other than having fun.

And now :leaving: :lol:

[amy g.]

Absolutely!

 

I have lifelong male friends. One of my friends from Jr. High just lost his father. I was the first person he called for support when it happened.

 

We have never dated or had any kind of romantic relationship. We just love each other as people.

 

Fortunately, my husband understands. If I tell him I'm meeting a guy friend for breakfast, he will say, "Give him a hug from me."

[Harriet Vane]

Yes. I had many guy friends through both high school and college. Things did change when we all got married, but we are all still friends and it is still good.

[kalanamak]

I've had "just friends" male friends well back into my teens.

 

I believe humans are very adaptable, and can make all sorts of personal attachments that vary from the cordial nod to the neighbor to willing-to-die for someone. But it is hard, as a teen, to just be friends with someone you are pining over.

Edited August 25, 2012 by kalanamak

[SunnyDays]

Yep. One of my oldest and dearest friends is someone I've known since 7th grade. Twenty five years later we've been through a lot of life events together and still talk on a fairly regular basis. Although people occasionally thought we were a couple because we spent a lot of time together in high school, we never dated.

[LucyStoner]

IMO and IME, yes. My best friend and I met when we were about 13-14 and we have never, not for one minute of one day been sexually attracted to each other despite the fact that we are both straight and that to a degree, we each married people who are similar to each other. It's like we are siblings. I did have some male friends who had crushes on me, but nothing ever came of it as I really was a late to date sort. Other than a boyfriend in name only to have a reason to say no to dates, I did not seriously date anyone until I met Mr. Kijipt. ;)

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I did. One of my absolute best friends as a teen was a guy. I had a slight crush on him at first (thought he was super cute) but we became SUCH good friends that there was no way anything could happen and the crush went away. We were so close but NEVER would anything have ever happened between us. I had many male friends that would never become anything more (and some that I wish would have become something more AT THE TIME:blush:) . Obviously now, I am SO glad nothing happened because now I have dh :001_wub: :001_wub: :001_wub: and had something else happened- -maybe he wouldn't be dh today :crying: :crying:

Edited August 25, 2012 by wy_kid_wrangler04

[Sara in WA]

Sometime this last year I saw an interview on a college campus where they posed this question (can you just be friends?) to women and men. Each gal said "yes" and each guy said "no way" and then laughed because they knew they were playing this game with their female friends to "just be friends" but they did have romantic interest. It was pretty funny to watch the repeated answers.

[justkeepswimming]

Yes! most of my friends while I was in high school were guys. I did date some of them first, though, but we wound up friends afterwards. I had a lot of good breakups, lol. Others were just friends from day one, and while at various times there may have been attraction from one party or the other, the value of the friendships were such that we didn't want to mess it up. So, we didn't... :) ...most of the time. :blushing: Those were usually the ugly breakups. :sad:

 

And I certainly hope it's still possible today. One of my dds has a couple of guy-friends and I hope, hope they are forever-friends - these boys are great kids and we are great friends with their families. So, I hope the boy/girl thing just never rears its complicated head. (Hoping that it helps that they've known each other since they were like 7 or 8 years old... hopefully that will keep them from seeing each other as "the opposite sex" for many, many years to come!)

 

Although - if they make it to adulthood without complications, I sure wouldn't mind a change of heart after college! (like I said, I adore them & their families.... :lol:)

Edited August 25, 2012 by justkeepswimming

[mumto2]

I think the answer is yes.

 

But I did end up married to my best male friend from high school.......we didn't date until we were 20. Went to college 600 miles apart. So you never know!:lol:

[regentrude]

yes. I always had male friends. Still do.

[Melissa in Australia]

Sometime this last year I saw an interview on a college campus where they posed this question (can you just be friends?) to women and men. Each gal said "yes" and each guy said "no way" and then laughed because they knew they were playing this game with their female friends to "just be friends" but they did have romantic interest. It was pretty funny to watch the repeated answers.

interesting

As I was reading through all the responses I was wondering what kind of response the male "friends "would say about the friendships????

[Heather in Neverland]

interesting

As I was reading through all the responses I was wondering what kind of response the male "friends "would say about the friendships????

 

Just asked my dh. He said "not unless the guy is not even remotely attracted to her. Otherwise, he is just friends with her because he doesn't have a choice, but given the opportunity would definitely want more. It's hormones. Girls can be just friends but it is different for guys."

 

I will say that I have had lots of male friends but I was also always aware that they wanted more and were just waiting for a signal from me. I didn't want more which meant our relationship was always a bit lopsided.

 

.

[Carrie12345]

Yes. I had many guy friends as a teenager and young adult. I have a lot of difficulty with the implication that I must have felt driven to "be more" with every single male who happened to come into my life.

 

Worst thing that ever happened was when my best male friend (from age 7 to 17) and I agreed to try the whole relationship thing in our 20s, mostly b/c everyone around us expected it. We were terrible couple material and it destroyed our friendship.

[Night Elf]

I think some can and some can't. How's that for an answer? Dd20 has had a couple of guys start as friends and then go a little weird on her, but she also has a couple of guy friends who don't show anymore interest in her than being a friend. And she's also friends with an ex-boyfriend who really has no interest in her that way. He's the one who broke up with her. After she got over the shock, they decided to be friends. She's a part of his family, so to speak, so they see each other every couple of weeks.

 

I had guy friends as a teen and only one showed an interest in me and I dated him for a while. The other few guys were like my brothers and they never made any advancements towards me. I think they might have said 'ewwww'. :tongue_smilie: They had my back when someone messed with me.

[delaney]

Absolutely. My oldest has a TON of girl friends. When I suggested that one of them liked him he made a face and said, "It's not like that mom. She's like a sister."

Oddly, the ex-girlfriend(the one I posted about trying to run off last year) spends more time here than she does at home. She spends the night all the time and now they fight like siblings. I call them Ethel and Lucy.:tongue_smilie:

[The Girls' Mom]

For my girls...yes. All three of mine have some very good guy-friends. And it seems to be just that..friends. I think it helped that in their circle of friends only one "couple" exists, and most of the kids just don't date.

 

Now, that said, one of my dd's best friends is a guy. And she has a very huge crush on him. If he ever wanted to be more than "just friends" she would go for it in a heartbeat. He knows that she likes him that way. But she keeps the boundary, because she knows that he only likes her as a friend. (she hopes all the time that it will change, but knows that it may not) She doesn't want to ruin their friendship by making it weird, so she keeps her feelings in check.

[Free Indeed]

Haven't read through all the replies ;), but yes, I do. I always had more guy friends than girls. Although years later some have told me that they were in love with me, and um... I was married. So that was a little awkward. :tongue_smilie: for the most part yes, but it can be tricky.

[Remudamom]

No.

[MissKNG]

I think so. My two best friends (one from childhood and one from college) are guys and I think of them like I do my brother. And I have absolutely NO attraction for my brother! Lol:lol: