Another Problem

[5 Hikers]

You all were helpful for the MIL problem. I have another problem with dh and homeschooling.

 

I am in Nursing School. Week 1 T/W from 7:30-3. This includes driving time. Week2 T/W 7:30-3 and TH/F 6am-4pm. I am a fast learner and am used to studying after dd4 goes to bed, about 9pm.

 

Over the summer dh agreed to homeschool them for me on T/W. Last week was the first week and it went awful. DH thought homeschooling was going to be super easy. He thought I sat on my hiney and did nothing the last 6 years.:D Day 1 went good, but day 2 was a mess. Instead of admitting he had a hard time; he decided it was my fault. He says that ds8 cannot read and spell as well as a 3rd grader ought. He is about 6 months behind on reading, but this is due to dyslexia. He has been diagnosed. Last January he was not reading at all, so I consider this to be a huge improvement. DH isn't impressed and feels they should be smarter. He also complained about ds12's handwriting. His y, g. and p do not touch the bottom line. This is not a hill worth dying on IMO. Ds12 told me that ds8 goofed off and cried for 3 hours about his math. He then refused to read the book assigned. Dh is not very patient and feels they should know what he knows.

 

My options now are:

 

1. Get the kids up at 5am and school them til 7:30, leaving easier subjects for Dh to do.

2. Do school at night. This would be a little difficult with ds12, but nice with ds8

3. Let dh keep doing it, and have a stern talk with ds8 about doing his best work instead of playing and crying.

4. Do school on Sat/Sunday/Mondays every week and add Thursday/Friday every other week. On weeks when I am gone Th/F do 2 days on evening school.

 

Thanks!!

[Rebel]

#3 Dh is going to have to come up to speed as both a teacher and manager of behavior. He agreed to do it and it is only fair for him to help.

[NorthwestMom]

#3, then #4 as you will not be able to control how DH behaves, so plan on remediating as necessary.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I admire your spirit! You are really taking charge of your life!

[Guest submarines]

#3, then #4 as you will not be able to control how DH behaves, so plan on remediating as necessary.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I admire your spirit! You are really taking charge of your life!

 

:iagree:

[Truscifi]

#3 but have a talk with dh too about realistic expectations and being more actively involved.

[MomatHWTK]

#3, then #4 as you will not be able to control how DH behaves, so plan on remediating as necessary.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I admire your spirit! You are really taking charge of your life!

:iagree:

[5 Hikers]

I admire your spirit! You are really taking charge of your life!

 

 

Thanks, I so don't feel this way though. I want to crawl up in a hole and quit everything. This isn't the life I planned or wanted. I couldn't do that to my kids though; it's what keeps me going.

 

I keep telling myself Nursing school is only 1 1/2 years. Surely I can do it for just that long.

 

People keep telling me the pain goes away....still waiting. I feel like this song:

 

Well, staying busy helps for me. :001_smile:

[elfgivas]

i'm going to choose the "other option". on the days he is schooling them, could he do something completely different than what you do.

 

eg. could he be the science/experiment teacher, where they all work together and do two mornings of science + lab together. you would do no science on the other days. he could use superchargedscience.com. he would be responsible for it all. ie. you wouldn't provide books, schedule, etc. then in the afternoon, he could do a woodshop option. again, three hours each afternoon. or social studies. something he is completely responsible for. then in the time that creates for you, you could do the academics, which would be slightly longer language arts and maths lessons each day/night. most dyslexics are already fragile around their reading and writing; they don't need their dear dad putting them down.

 

fwiw,

ann

[5 Hikers]

i'm going to choose the "other option". on the days he is schooling them, could he do something completely different than what you do.

 

eg. could he be the science/experiment teacher, where they all work together and do two mornings of science + lab together. you would do no science on the other days. he could use superchargedscience.com. he would be responsible for it all. ie. you wouldn't provide books, schedule, etc. then in the afternoon, he could do a woodshop option. again, three hours each afternoon. or social studies. something he is completely responsible for. then in the time that creates for you, you could do the academics, which would be slightly longer language arts and maths lessons each day/night. most dyslexics are already fragile around their reading and writing; they don't need their dear dad putting them down.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

 

Thank you, this is a really good idea!

[Alte Veste Academy]

Thanks, I so don't feel this way though. I want to crawl up in a hole and quit everything. This isn't the life I planned or wanted. I couldn't do that to my kids though; it's what keeps me going.

 

I keep telling myself Nursing school is only 1 1/2 years. Surely I can do it for just that long.

 

People keep telling me the pain goes away....still waiting. I feel like this song:

 

Well, staying busy helps for me. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug:

 

i'm going to choose the "other option". on the days he is schooling them, could he do something completely different than what you do.

 

eg. could he be the science/experiment teacher, where they all work together and do two mornings of science + lab together. you would do no science on the other days. he could use superchargedscience.com. he would be responsible for it all. ie. you wouldn't provide books, schedule, etc. then in the afternoon, he could do a woodshop option. again, three hours each afternoon. or social studies. something he is completely responsible for. then in the time that creates for you, you could do the academics, which would be slightly longer language arts and maths lessons each day/night. most dyslexics are already fragile around their reading and writing; they don't need their dear dad putting them down.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

:iagree:, especially with the last part. :( for what that will do to his self-esteem. Could you also think about some kind of independent study or project-based homeschool stuff for those days?

[besroma]

i'm going to choose the "other option". on the days he is schooling them, could he do something completely different than what you do.

 

eg. could he be the science/experiment teacher, where they all work together and do two mornings of science + lab together. you would do no science on the other days. he could use superchargedscience.com. he would be responsible for it all. ie. you wouldn't provide books, schedule, etc. then in the afternoon, he could do a woodshop option. again, three hours each afternoon. or social studies. something he is completely responsible for. then in the time that creates for you, you could do the academics, which would be slightly longer language arts and maths lessons each day/night. most dyslexics are already fragile around their reading and writing; they don't need their dear dad putting them down.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

:iagree:

[Starr]

I agree with being creative and not having him teach anything that you teach also. And yes you will make it. :grouphug:

[regentrude]

Let DH figure it out.

If he has not been involved in homeschooling before, it would be unrealistic to expect that he can seamlessly step in and know what to expect and how to work with the kids.

It would also be helpful not expect dad to do things exactly the same way as you do them, but to give him the opportunity to develop his own style and play to his own strengths.

Let him try and learn.

[clarkacademy]

#3, then #4 as you will not be able to control how DH behaves, so plan on remediating as necessary.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I admire your spirit! You are really taking charge of your life!

 

:iagree:

[sbgrace]

I don't think it sounds like hubby is going to do well for the academics. Not everyone is cut out for teaching or has the patience needed particularly when special needs are involved.

 

I would have hubby do the stuff like science and history and you do the academic things however that best works in your schedule. Protecting their relationship and learner esteems are just as important as what is covered I think.

[NatashainDFW]

I completely disagree with letting xdh figure it out himself because of the damage that can be done to your 8 year old. Let him handle history, science, elective type stuff and work with the kids on the others when you are home. Remember that you can make schooling fit into less than five days a week when necessary. Keep your head up!

[Katy]

Not knowing what's going on exactly, I'd probably not let him deal with academics at all. In fact, I might do whatever I could to get him out of the house so I wouldn't have to deal with him once he declared he was leaving me, but that's just my parents' multiple divorces talking.

 

Personal baggage aside, can you have him just do special projects together? Purely fun self-directed learning type projects, and you can either work with the boys yourself 3 days a week or also on the weekends for 5 days a week? Maybe field trips, field studies, nature studies, etc?

 

Other options include: Public school for a while (maybe with afterschooling); having someone else do the schooling besides your DH (maybe your mom? Older people tend to be good at teaching reading, and dote on grandchildren). Maybe a homeschooling friend?

 

Nursing school can be very hard; you do have to study yourself; you do have to sleep and have time to love on your boys too. Give yourself some grace whatever you decide.

[happypamama]

I think I'd opt to hand over a few subjects to DH. As long as he's up to speed with whatever's going to be required in your state (ie he needs to have written samples of work or whatever), I'd turn some things over to him and cross them off my list. Dads often like science. Or maybe he is into literature and wants to delve into that with the kids. He can do those subjects when he's the one in charge, and you can do the other subjects when you're home. I think having him (or anyone else) fit into your mold is going to be tough. I choose curricula that work for me working with a particular child; someone else working with that child might find something else to work better.

[5 Hikers]

Not knowing what's going on exactly, I'd probably not let him deal with academics at all. In fact, I might do whatever I could to get him out of the house so I wouldn't have to deal with him once he declared he was leaving me, but that's just my parents' multiple divorces talking..

 

 

He had an affair. I was willing to forgive all and we did go to counseling, but he decided he could not forgive me for not keeping the house clean and making him work 2 jobs. Neither one of those statements are true. Most likely he is still with the girl, but it could be he just didn't want to clean up the mess he made.

 

He filed this past March. I told him to leave at the end of April. He is staying at a male friend's house (a bachelor pad) and I did not want the kids over there for long periods of time. Dh stays here at the house while I am at school to make it easier on the kids. I am going to insist when he gets a place that he keep them there. Another issue may arise because he cannot keep the kids overnight if there is a female staying overnight too. It is a morality clause that I put into our divorce papers.

 

Due to our county law, we could not go to court until June because we had had relations up to March. We also can only get an uncontested divorce in our county on the 2nd Tuesday of the month. :001_smile: June fell too short of the time period of 90 days and the judge insisted 2 days mattered. In July all the papers between both lawyers mysteriously disappeared. Neither one could find a copy. In August dh decided to make a last minute change and my lawyer ran for judge. So now maybe we will get divorced September 11th. I feel that day is fitting.

[sbgrace]

He had an affair. I was willing to forgive all and we did go to counseling, but he decided he could not forgive me for not keeping the house clean and making him work 2 jobs. Neither one of those statements are true. Most likely he is still with the girl, but it could be he just didn't want to clean up the mess he made.

 

He filed this past March. I told him to leave at the end of April. He is staying at a male friend's house (a bachelor pad) and I did not want the kids over there for long periods of time. Dh stays here at the house while I am at school to make it easier on the kids. I am going to insist when he gets a place that he keep them there. Another issue may arise because he cannot keep the kids overnight if there is a female staying overnight too. It is a morality clause that I put into our divorce papers.

 

Due to our county law, we could not go to court until June because we had had relations up to March. We also can only get an uncontested divorce in our county on the 2nd Tuesday of the month. :001_smile: June fell too short of the time period of 90 days and the judge insisted 2 days mattered. In July all the papers between both lawyers mysteriously disappeared. Neither one could find a copy. In August dh decided to make a last minute change and my lawyer ran for judge. So now maybe we will get divorced September 11th. I feel that day is fitting.

Oh boy. I had no idea when I replied. I'm sorry. I would imagine he was still with her, or wanted to be, hence the rationalizing.

 

Is there any chance he's going to make an issue of homeschooling/argue you aren't competent to do it?

I feel even more strongly he shouldn't be doing the academic subjects. I don't think I'd want him to do anything now that I know that back story. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited August 25, 2012 by sbgrace

[Katy]

He had an affair. I was willing to forgive all and we did go to counseling, but he decided he could not forgive me for not keeping the house clean and making him work 2 jobs. Neither one of those statements are true. Most likely he is still with the girl, but it could be he just didn't want to clean up the mess he made.

 

He filed this past March. I told him to leave at the end of April. He is staying at a male friend's house (a bachelor pad) and I did not want the kids over there for long periods of time. Dh stays here at the house while I am at school to make it easier on the kids. I am going to insist when he gets a place that he keep them there. Another issue may arise because he cannot keep the kids overnight if there is a female staying overnight too. It is a morality clause that I put into our divorce papers.

 

Due to our county law, we could not go to court until June because we had had relations up to March. We also can only get an uncontested divorce in our county on the 2nd Tuesday of the month. :001_smile: June fell too short of the time period of 90 days and the judge insisted 2 days mattered. In July all the papers between both lawyers mysteriously disappeared. Neither one could find a copy. In August dh decided to make a last minute change and my lawyer ran for judge. So now maybe we will get divorced September 11th. I feel that day is fitting.

 

He couldn't forgive you? I'm fuming for you over here. My DH is bothered by this too. As far as I'm concerned you're a saint for putting up with this. As an aside, since MIL is speaking exactly what he is, this is further reason for refusing to deal with her directly. She either partially encouraged his bad behavior or she's echoing his words because she's taken his side. Kick them both to the curb, and don't let religious manipulation tell you any different.

 

Jesus' turn the other cheek references had a whole lot to do with making sure that no one else can manipulate your heart - even if they can physically force you to do something, they can't make you a hateful spiteful person either. But that doesn't mean a little righteous indignation isn't good sometimes too. Even if you're not strong enough yet to see that YOU deserve to be treated better than that, I am certain you know your kids do. And they deserve to see that their momma deserves better treatment than that too!

 

What is your long-term plan after the divorce is final and you're done with school? Do you have one yet? Are you planning on working nights and homeschooling days? Or getting one of those Fri-Sun 12 hour weekend deals that pays full time (if they still offer that kind of thing; I haven't looked for a nursing job for quite a while)? Or putting the kids in a school?

 

Or are you still in crisis mode, dealing with things only as they come up?

 

I guess my advice would be to move towards your long term plan as quickly as possible. If that means school, better to do this all at once. If that means switching your schedule around, do that as much as you can, but please don't hesitate to ensure that you are also taking care of you. This plan won't go as well if you don't have enough study time to pass your boards, or if you're so overtired your immune system is so shot that you get pneumonia or something (you do not want a shot immune system in nursing!).

 

Right now, your highest priority has to be taking care of you, because your children need you. Then your kids. Then your relationships with your extended family (which will now include their father).

 

When you get a break, please read that book on Boundaries. And maybe some more books about healing from emotional abuse.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Is there any chance he's going to make an issue of homeschooling/argue you aren't competent to do it?

I feel even more strongly he shouldn't be doing the academic subjects. I don't think I'd want him to do anything now that I know that back story. :grouphug::grouphug:

:iagree:

 

I wonder if the soon to be ex-dh may use it against her in court for custody? I would not be homeschooling with the ex, IMO.