? for those of you with DC/Aspergers

[Twilight Woods]

*sigh* regarding my 1st grader......

 

Sometimes I wish I didn't read that darn report from the psyc.

 

How much time should I give "school a chance" and that she will warm up to it? I agreed that I would give it till December per DH's request.

 

She was super excited to go. It was all she talked about in the weeks leading up to the first day [especially lunch and recess]. I know she is bored but I reminded her that in the beginning of school they have to review and we do stuff at home at her level. She also asked me why she has to be there all day. LOL.

 

I know some of you kept your DC home and some have sent to school so any BTDT advice would be appreciated.

 

My biggest thing for her is the social aspect of it. The whole reason I let her go is b/c she needs to learn those skills of being able to function around groups of people/peers. She hasn't been eating her lunch and will not play at recess b/s she says it is to loud and to many people.

 

Overall she is fine... she goes, she listens and does what is asked of her but it seems like there is no "fun" for her and there is no engaging with her peers. Will this get better as she gets older?

 

I am still waiting for the school to contact me regarding a flex or IEP meeting since she does not have one in place yet.

[Riverland]

nm

[Twilight Woods]

I have btdt. My dd has had a range of diagnosis, depending on the doctor and dd's mood at testing. Her social skills are very similar to asperger. I sent her to public school (elementary) for 2 reasons:

 

1. I thought they might have some expertise that would help her with social skills, and with her math delay.

 

2. I hoped that she would find some friends and learn better social/conversation skills.

 

I gave it 3+ years and it was a major failure. Even when she tried to be included in conversations, her responses were delayed just enough that the other kids carried on without her. While there were some kids who were nice to her, she really did not have any friends. She frequently came home crying because *so and so* was having a birthday party, but didn't have enough invitations for her.

 

And the math delay? Based on standardized testing scores, the IEP / one on one daily help actually made it worse!

 

I pulled her out and got involved in some homeschool groups. While she still doesn't really have any close friends, at least the homeschool kids she is acquaintances with are much kinder and accepting than the general public school kid.

 

If some kind hearted classmates take your dd under their wing, then I think this could be a good experience for her. Otherwise, she will likely be miserable and very lonely. I do not recommend waiting 3 years, like I did, to switch to homeschool. One year is more than enough to gauge the social dynamics of her class.

 

This is where I was at after K. DH-not so much. He feels that given what the report stated and her scores she NEEDS to be in school b/c she is at risk of an LD and they can better monitor for those things-even though she is ahead in some areas and below on others.

 

I KNOW she will never engage in typical social behavior and actually befriend someome either. I think it stresses her out. Even in small groups 5 or less kids. He takes her to gymnastics and in the 2 years she has not made ONE friend or engaged in coversation with the other kids while in class so I know he sees it. He feels I need to "coddle" less and let her figure out her way.

[Riverland]

nm

[pdalley]

*sigh* regarding my 1st grader......

 

Sometimes I wish I didn't read that darn report from the psyc.

 

How much time should I give "school a chance" and that she will warm up to it? I agreed that I would give it till December per DH's request.

 

She was super excited to go. It was all she talked about in the weeks leading up to the first day [especially lunch and recess]. I know she is bored but I reminded her that in the beginning of school they have to review and we do stuff at home at her level. She also asked me why she has to be there all day. LOL.

 

I know some of you kept your DC home and some have sent to school so any BTDT advice would be appreciated.

 

My biggest thing for her is the social aspect of it. The whole reason I let her go is b/c she needs to learn those skills of being able to function around groups of people/peers. She hasn't been eating her lunch and will not play at recess b/s she says it is to loud and to many people.

 

Overall she is fine... she goes, she listens and does what is asked of her but it seems like there is no "fun" for her and there is no engaging with her peers. Will this get better as she gets older?

 

I am still waiting for the school to contact me regarding a flex or IEP meeting since she does not have one in place yet.

 

Based on our experience, no it won't get better as she gets older and public school is not going to help monitor her or teach her any peer skills whatsoever.

 

Now this is based on our personal experience in the local public schools with our three boys - all high functioning/Aspergers. The speech really didn't help. They were bullied. IEP's were not followed. They spent more time out of class - away from the peers they were supposed to interact with - due to the accommodations they needed.

 

Your milage may vary. It took one of our kids being charged with assault - dismissed because it was declared a manifestation of his disability by the juvenile justice system and the school ) me to DSS for medical neglect after they badgered another of our kids into declaring he 'wanted to die' because they were yelling at him. (Despite all the release forms in place for them to contact any of his Doctors they needed to if they felt it was a real threat and despite the fact his Doctor was the first call I made once I stepped out of the school that day. ) - before DH realized I was right and we could meet their needs better at home.

[TippyCanoe]

.

[Twilight Woods]

Based on our experience, no it won't get better as she gets older and public school is not going to help monitor her or teach her any peer skills whatsoever.

 

Now this is based on our personal experience in the local public schools with our three boys - all high functioning/Aspergers. The speech really didn't help. They were bullied. IEP's were not followed. They spent more time out of class - away from the peers they were supposed to interact with - due to the accommodations they needed.

 

Your milage may vary. It took one of our kids being charged with assault - dismissed because it was declared a manifestation of his disability by the juvenile justice system and the school ) me to DSS for medical neglect after they badgered another of our kids into declaring he 'wanted to die' because they were yelling at him. (Despite all the release forms in place for them to contact any of his Doctors they needed to if they felt it was a real threat and despite the fact his Doctor was the first call I made once I stepped out of the school that day. ) - before DH realized I was right and we could meet their needs better at home.

 

 

OMG! How horrible. I am hoping DH will "see the light" soon.

[Twilight Woods]

I have an Aspie dd, 16. When she was diagnosed at age 8, the psychologist said she was so glad we were homeschooling, because without a single exception, the kids on her client list (she has a specialist practice in autism spectrum disorders) were miserable in school. I'm sure there are exceptions and there are schools which do a great job with Aspies, but according to this psychologist, our city's schools were pretty awful for these kids.

 

The sink-or-swim approach to socialization not only doesn't work with these kids, but it can backfire terribly as they are overwhelmed, shut down, or are excluded and bullied. They need small, controlled, supervised practice with social skills -- which is exactly what you can provide with homeschooling, as you do errands in the community, talk to neighbors, or go to small, carefully chosen classes. There are a number of social skills programs on DVD or in books now that you can use with your child at home, then practice the skills in your family or in the community.

 

When you homeschool you can work with the range of ability levels your child has in different areas, use special interests/obsessions to further learning, coach social skills, encourage your child to understand her own strengths and issues. You can teach in ways that use your child's strengths, de-emphasize writing until she is older, allow her to advance and learn without making everything about remediating LDs.

 

And it's not as though you have to stay isolated at home. Dd's best experience was with a small co-op she attended part-time for four years. The classes ranged from four to seven kids, people were very kind, and although it was not much academically, it was socially incredibly supportive for her. She began riding horses at age eleven, and we found another small social environment in which people of all ages shared a love of horses and riding, where kids were given genuine work to do helping take care of the animals, and where horses themselves could give social and emotional security and comfort. (My husband gives electro-magnetic therapy to the horses, I staple hundreds upon hundreds of show ribbons, and dd worked there several hours a week for four years to help pay for lessons.)

 

It's not always easy, and I didn't find these places right off the bat. But there are interest-based groups that will welcome a child with a passion in that topic -- don't dismiss adult groups either. For instance, I've read about birding societies consisting of almost entirely adults that happily included a spectrum child. Drama classes in our area provide one-on-one aides for kids with disabilities.

 

Or you might look into charter schools in your area where kids are homeschooled part of the time, attending classes a few times a week.

 

If your dh is amenable to this, I'd have him read a book about Asperger's to help him understand the kinds of challenges your dd will face, and to let him see that professionals find public schools problematic for these kids.

 

About when to take your child out: for dd, we pulled her from private school when she developed trouble sleeping, was losing weight, clearly had heightened anxiety about doing all that was expected and required although she found it hugely boring -- in other words, it was affecting her health and her quality of life.

 

 

Thank you. Horses are one of her "things" She is counting down the days till she turns 7 so she can take riding lessons. It's amazing how she can walk right up to a large animal with no fear and be so sweet and endearing but put her in front of a human..... forget it. :)

 

I know I NEED to talk with DH again but I also know I need to let some time lapse before I do in order for it to work out in my favor.

[wonderchica]

If you want her to have an IEP while she in in school, don't wait for someone to contact you. Call and send a letter requesting testing for IEP eligibility. The formal letter will help things move faster.

[MomatHWTK]

Have you done your homework? If I wanted to convince DH that I could do something as well as the school, I'd convince him with evidence. There are tons of theraputic games, instruction guides and other resources targeted specifically toward developing social skills. There are resources, including testing, to identify LDs.

 

Show your DH what is available; commit to keeping up to date on the latest research and therapies; find a competent phychologist or therapist to assist you as needed; and demonstrate that you will not let these areas of concern slip past your notice. :grouphug:

[Twilight Woods]

Have you done your homework? If I wanted to convince DH that I could do something as well as the school, I'd convince him with evidence. There are tons of theraputic games, instruction guides and other resources targeted specifically toward developing social skills. There are resources, including testing, to identify LDs.

 

Show your DH what is available; commit to keeping up to date on the latest research and therapies; find a competent phychologist or therapist to assist you as needed; and demonstrate that you will not let these areas of concern slip past your notice. :grouphug:

 

Yes. I have and are currently working with a great Psychologist. She has been tested and no LD's yet. Her erratic scoring puts her at risk. I know what I NEED to do.... I am just waiting for the light bulb to click with DH and in the mean time I am gathering all my ducks to have in a row. I am trying pound into his head that it's NOT going to get better.

[Twilight Woods]

If you want her to have an IEP while she in in school, don't wait for someone to contact you. Call and send a letter requesting testing for IEP eligibility. The formal letter will help things move faster.

 

 

I have done that and am waiting for a response. :)

[heart'sjoy]

The RDI Book helped my DH see why social things would only get worse. This book breaks down the brain development and shows where are kids are missing foundational skills that social skills build on.:grouphug:

[dbmamaz]

My special needs son was in public school through 7th grade and it pretty much only got worse every year, with the exception of the year he was in a stand-alone emotionally disturbed class (for grades 3-5). He didnt learn anything or make any friends, but his teacher adored him and I was never called to the school except when the teacher was sick.

 

My son is also gifted and his test scored dropped while he was in special ed, but as long as he was passing, that was good enough for them.

 

He made occasional friends, but they never lasted long, and the cost was torturous teasing by kids and adults.

 

When i started homeschooling my son, he couldnt write a coherent paragraph or do any math with fractions (he would get a calculator and convert them to decimals . . . ).

 

He is now happy, doing well, starting to show leadership in several groups he's in. He still doesnt have any close friends, but we've found some teens he can relate to (they are adhd and like video games!). Even though my husband made it clear he would not financially support my kids after we were married, he approved me to homeschool for 8th grade, and at the end of 8th grade, for the remaining 4 years of high school, because, after years of refusing to even talk about it, he admitted that homeschooling was a much better solution.

 

i hope you dont have to wait until its so obviously failing, take heart in knowing that they can recover, they can catch up academically with your attention, you can coach them through social interactions at any age. Just do the best to support and advocate for your daughter and make sure to share all the bad news with your husband!!

[Verity]

The sink-or-swim approach to socialization not only doesn't work with these kids, but it can backfire terribly as they are overwhelmed, shut down, or are excluded and bullied. They need small, controlled, supervised practice with social skills -- which is exactly what you can provide with homeschooling, as you do errands in the community, talk to neighbors, or go to small, carefully chosen classes. There are a number of social skills programs on DVD or in books now that you can use with your child at home, then practice the skills in your family or in the community.

 

When you homeschool you can work with the range of ability levels your child has in different areas, use special interests/obsessions to further learning, coach social skills, encourage your child to understand her own strengths and issues. You can teach in ways that use your child's strengths, de-emphasize writing until she is older, allow her to advance and learn without making everything about remediating LDs.

 

This. Aspies don't learn social skills by being around kids their age. What they learn in that setting is that they are "dumb", too slow to keep up and always inappropriate. Social skills need to be learned both at home or on small outings with parents or in a social skills class where an adult teaches implicitly things like sharing, being a good sport, taking turns talking and gives the small group of kids time to practice those skills in a safe setting.

 

I had my ds (now 13, high functioning Aspie) in public school until early 4th grade. He did well academically through 3rd grade so didn't qualify for an IEP. At that time his only official dx was severe ADD. What I realized at the end of 3rd/beginning of 4th was how much he was teased and bulllied. He got a nickname at school and because he doesn't understand social interactions he wanted to take on the persona that was being applied to him. He was also becoming more angry and belligerent - very different from the sweet and loving child I sent to school. The final straw was when he couldn't keep up at PE running (his fine and gross motor skills are quite behind) and started breaking the craft sticks they used to check laps, then was spitting at the ground close to where other kids were standing.

 

After his meltdown I realized that ps was not the best fit for him, no matter what we had to do he needed to come home. It's tough at times and since bringing him home we made the decision to hs all three kids, but I don't regret it at all.

[Twilight Woods]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I plan on checking to see what our library has on Aspergers and plan on sharing it with DH.

[Carrie12345]

My son was dx'ed at age 4. It took until the end of 4th grade to convince my ex to let me pull him out.

The thing about aspie socialization is that they DON'T learn it from watching. They need social instruction.

 

He was home for 5th through part of 8th and chose to go back. In that time, we did a lot of social skills work, and then he got to practice in small social settings like extracurriculars and hs groups. Today, he still has social quirks, but he's come SUCH a long way. He's very confident about going into high school next week.

[Finnella]

We didn't start homeschooling until the middle of 6th grade, so I've definitely gotten to see how it plays out in public school. My DS learned no social skills in school. He had no school friends at all, and the only social interactions - especially starting around 3rd grade - were negative. People often forget that socialization isn't automatically a positive thing.

 

Bullying got much worse as he got older. He has an older brother, so I've seen this even with the NT kids. Once the kids hit middle school, don't expect the school to take the threat seriously unless a bullying incident involves a weapon and/or hospital visit. (That's what is reported to the state in NC.)

 

We never managed to get the IEP that our psychologist wanted, but we did have a 504 starting in 3rd grade. Our son is 2e; the school's accommodations ended up leaving him in a situation where he didn't learn lots of things. For example, don't teach him math, hand him a calculator. In 7th grade, I started math over at the 1st grade level. But shortly before I pulled him out of ps, the middle school gutted his 504, blamed him for the bullying, ignored everything I had to say, and claimed to have expertise with Aspies. My son often didn't even know which class he was in (study skills or language arts?), and he was failing half his classes.

 

Most of the teachers and administrators we encountered had NO expertise with learning disabilities. So the idea that the ps is going to catch things you won't is just wrong. And even if they do see something, they often do not want to remediate because that costs more money.

 

It can take a lot of work and research on your part to homeschool a child with special needs, but it is doable. And the teacher-student ratio at home is superior to anything your child can get at ps.

 

We're so glad we decided to pull our DS out of ps. It was originally because of the bullying, but then we discovered all the things that he hadn't learned while in ps. I'm afraid that if he'd made it until 9th grade, he would have been one of those kids dropping out because things had become too overwhelming.

[Twilight Woods]

We didn't start homeschooling until the middle of 6th grade, so I've definitely gotten to see how it plays out in public school. My DS learned no social skills in school. He had no school friends at all, and the only social interactions - especially starting around 3rd grade - were negative. People often forget that socialization isn't automatically a positive thing.

 

Bullying got much worse as he got older. He has an older brother, so I've seen this even with the NT kids. Once the kids hit middle school, don't expect the school to take the threat seriously unless a bullying incident involves a weapon and/or hospital visit. (That's what is reported to the state in NC.)

 

We never managed to get the IEP that our psychologist wanted, but we did have a 504 starting in 3rd grade. Our son is 2e; the school's accommodations ended up leaving him in a situation where he didn't learn lots of things. For example, don't teach him math, hand him a calculator. In 7th grade, I started math over at the 1st grade level. But shortly before I pulled him out of ps, the middle school gutted his 504, blamed him for the bullying, ignored everything I had to say, and claimed to have expertise with Aspies. My son often didn't even know which class he was in (study skills or language arts?), and he was failing half his classes.

 

Most of the teachers and administrators we encountered had NO expertise with learning disabilities. So the idea that the ps is going to catch things you won't is just wrong. And even if they do see something, they often do not want to remediate because that costs more money.

 

It can take a lot of work and research on your part to homeschool a child with special needs, but it is doable. And the teacher-student ratio at home is superior to anything your child can get at ps.

 

We're so glad we decided to pull our DS out of ps. It was originally because of the bullying, but then we discovered all the things that he hadn't learned while in ps. I'm afraid that if he'd made it until 9th grade, he would have been one of those kids dropping out because things had become too overwhelming.

 

How horrible!!!! How are things going now that he is home?

[Finnella]

How horrible!!!! How are things going now that he is home?

 

The rest of 6th grade was rough; we found out new things he hadn't learned almost every week. That was hard for us. Seventh grade went really well. He started learning again and regaining self-confidence.

 

We just started 8th grade; he retained lots of math for the first time ever, and his work ethic has really strengthened. We're off to a good start, and we're all really glad we started homeschooling.

[Twilight Woods]

The rest of 6th grade was rough; we found out new things he hadn't learned almost every week. That was hard for us. Seventh grade went really well. He started learning again and regaining self-confidence.

 

We just started 8th grade; he retained lots of math for the first time ever, and his work ethic has really strengthened. We're off to a good start, and we're all really glad we started homeschooling.

 

That is great!

[3kidswild]

As many have stated before, my high functioning aspie made it through elementary "ok". But once he hit middle school/6th grade it all changed. The social scene was different. He was still interested in legos and video games while the other boys were discussing girls, sports, and parties. Being different = being teased/bullied. It negatively impacted his studies. He thought he was dumb because he couldn't get understand the way the material was presented. Having an IEP in place meant we couldn't hold him back even though he was failing most of his classes. We pulled him out last year and began homeschooling. His grades shot up. His confidence and self esteem grew. He now is considering a STEM vocation. We're still working on the social skills, but all in good time. We're making baby steps of forward progress. But at least we are moving forward!

[Ibbygirl]

My dd went to school for 3rd grade and it was a disaster. If she hadn't had such a cushion going in from homeschooling Kindergarten, first and second I know it would have been much worse. She was so lost with not much support and came home every day with homework that she had forgotten the teacher's instructions on. It was like homeschooling without having had the benefit of having taught the lesson. :( She was bullied mercilessly and it was just an overall bad experience for us. My dh was against homeschooling too and made me send her for 3rd grade and even he after 2 months was like, "She's homeschooling next year!"

[Barbara H]

The bottom line for me is that kids don't just need social experiences - they need POSITIVE social experiences. Quantity isn't a substitute for quality. I'd rather a kid have meaningful, positive, good social learning opportunities three hours a week than forty hours a week of lousy experiences.

[Ibbygirl]

The bottom line for me is that kids don't just need social experiences - they need POSITIVE social experiences. Quantity isn't a substitute for quality. I'd rather a kid have meaningful, positive, good social learning opportunities three hours a week than forty hours a week of lousy experiences.

 

so true! :iagree:

[TippyCanoe]

.

[Twilight Woods]

The bottom line for me is that kids don't just need social experiences - they need POSITIVE social experiences. Quantity isn't a substitute for quality. I'd rather a kid have meaningful, positive, good social learning opportunities three hours a week than forty hours a week of lousy experiences.

 

 

:iagree: