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Please give me your thoughts on concerns about having a 2nd child given my age (37)?


Guest RayonAcetate
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Guest RayonAcetate

I've joined the board here to ask some advice and to hopefully hear some testimonies on an issue that's been on my mind of late.

 

Preliminary info: I'm 37 years old. I have one son who just turned 7 years old. Had him when I was 30. We had been married 2 years when we conceived him. When my son was 19 months old, my grandmother came to live with us as she was in need of full time care. My grandmother passed away this past March and, while I miss her, I am glad she's in a better place in Heaven now. Before she died, there was just no way I could entertain the idea of having another child. Caring for her was extremely exhausting and, in many ways, was far more difficult than caring for a baby.

 

Since her death, I have begun to entertain the idea of having another child. Before my son was born, my husband and I wanted 2 children but once we took in my grandmother, we both gradually came to see how I just couldn't handle another child. My husband is content with just our one, and he's neutral about my contemplation of wanting another. He's left the decision up to me and said he's perfectly happy with whatever I decide.

 

But, I just feel quite torn on the matter on a number of levels.

 

1. By the time this possible baby was born, my son would be almost 8 so they wouldn't be near enough in age to play well together.

 

2. I'm now a full-time homeschool mom; how would it be fair to a new baby to be "put off" and told to be quiet and to let us work. It's such a different "babyhood" than my son had that I wonder if it'd be wrong to do to a little one.

 

3. I'd be 56 years old by the time the child graduated from high school!!!

 

4. I doubt I'd be up for another child after this potential baby #2, so he or she wouldn't have a near-age sibling either. I've always disliked that for my son and now I'll have to mourn that fact AGAIN (to worry that the child's lonely, etc.).

 

5. I wonder if it just wouldn't be fair for the new baby -- to have an old mom. I'll be wiping the hot flashes when he or she is an 8th grader! Then I'll be like 66 when his or her children are born!!!

 

6. I don't like the idea of being empty nested at 48 (as I will be when my son graduates high school). I'm wondering if I'm being selfish to have a child to avoid this.

 

7. How will this potential little one feel when his or her brother (my son) leaves home? My son has been an only for 8 years, but this child will come into the world with him and won't it be HARD on him or her when he leaves home at 18? He or she will be 10 years old.

 

8. I just love mothering. I'm a natural homebody and nurturer. I can't see myself enjoying anything else as much as I've enjoyed being a mom. I've never liked having one child. I always thought I'd have at least 2 kids.

 

9. I do confess that the thought of returning to diapers and that much dependency does give me pause especially now that I'm JUST getting to where I can sleep in every now and then while my husband takes my son, etc.

 

Obviously I'm thinking at it on many levels, but I'd love to hear from those of you who may have been here and can give me a retrospective look on how it worked out for you. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Man, I wish I'd never have had little Emma or little Billy." I KNOW that's not going to happen.

But can you shed some light on some of my concerns? Any thoughts would be appreciated?

 

A newbie out of lurking!

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If you and your DH want another kid, then why not?

 

If you check out the ages of the kids in my siggy, you will see that there is 10 years between my oldest and youngest and 6 years between kids #3 and #4. I, too, will be 56 when DD11 graduates from high school. DH will be *cough cough* considerably older, lol. It's not something we have worried about, though we look forward to DH being able to retire and getting to travel some once we don't have kids at home.

 

You asked how the younger feels when the older goes off to college? Well, DD misses her oldest brother quite a bit, but they talk on the phone. My 18yo is leaving for college on Saturday and she and little DD are already planning on using Skype to chat. Keeping in touch is so much easier than it used to be.

 

And... for the record... I'm a much better mom this time around than when I was learning with my olders. DD11 has had the benefit of "experienced" parents.

 

ETA: btw - the whole diapering thing is much easier when you have a 7yo to hand you that diaper that's "just out of reach"!

Edited by AK_Mom4
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From the perspective of the baby of the family:

I was born 8 years behind my nearest sib and my mom was 39!

 

My mom and I had a great relationship. My sibs and I get along great but we were never peers growing up. When all my sibs moved out it was like being an only child and it was great honestly. Of course, this was all that I knew.

 

My kids are close in age and I love their relationship. I think it would've been fun to grow up with a sib close in age but I don't feel cheated or anything.

 

My sibs tell me they can't imagine our family without me...but they could just be sayin' that! ;)

 

Hopefully you'll hear from a mom who's btdt!

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I've joined the board here to ask some advice and to hopefully hear some testimonies on an issue that's been on my mind of late.

 

Preliminary info: I'm 37 years old. I have one son who just turned 7 years old. Had him when I was 30. We had been married 2 years when we conceived him. When my son was 19 months old, my grandmother came to live with us as she was in need of full time care. My grandmother passed away this past March and, while I miss her, I am glad she's in a better place in Heaven now. Before she died, there was just no way I could entertain the idea of having another child. Caring for her was extremely exhausting and, in many ways, was far more difficult than caring for a baby.

 

Since her death, I have begun to entertain the idea of having another child. Before my son was born, my husband and I wanted 2 children but once we took in my grandmother, we both gradually came to see how I just couldn't handle another child. My husband is content with just our one, and he's neutral about my contemplation of wanting another. He's left the decision up to me and said he's perfectly happy with whatever I decide.

 

But, I just feel quite torn on the matter on a number of levels.

 

1. By the time this possible baby was born, my son would be almost 8 so they wouldn't be near enough in age to play well together.

 

2. I'm now a full-time homeschool mom; how would it be fair to a new baby to be "put off" and told to be quiet and to let us work. It's such a different "babyhood" than my son had that I wonder if it'd be wrong to do to a little one.

 

3. I'd be 56 years old by the time the child graduated from high school!!!

 

4. I doubt I'd be up for another child after this potential baby #2, so he or she wouldn't have a near-age sibling either. I've always disliked that for my son and now I'll have to mourn that fact AGAIN (to worry that the child's lonely, etc.).

 

5. I wonder if it just wouldn't be fair for the new baby -- to have an old mom. I'll be wiping the hot flashes when he or she is an 8th grader! Then I'll be like 66 when his or her children are born!!!

 

6. I don't like the idea of being empty nested at 48 (as I will be when my son graduates high school). I'm wondering if I'm being selfish to have a child to avoid this.

 

7. How will this potential little one feel when his or her brother (my son) leaves home? My son has been an only for 8 years, but this child will come into the world with him and won't it be HARD on him or her when he leaves home at 18? He or she will be 10 years old.

 

8. I just love mothering. I'm a natural homebody and nurturer. I can't see myself enjoying anything else as much as I've enjoyed being a mom. I've never liked having one child. I always thought I'd have at least 2 kids.

 

9. I do confess that the thought of returning to diapers and that much dependency does give me pause especially now that I'm JUST getting to where I can sleep in every now and then while my husband takes my son, etc.

 

Obviously I'm thinking at it on many levels, but I'd love to hear from those of you who may have been here and can give me a retrospective look on how it worked out for you. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Man, I wish I'd never have had little Emma or little Billy." I KNOW that's not going to happen.

But can you shed some light on some of my concerns? Any thoughts would be appreciated?

 

A newbie out of lurking!

I had my first child at your age. Go for it.

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We have three children, all six years apart. I wanted more, but it never worked out for us. I was never worried about the age factor. My mom had children when she was older, and I had my dd at 39. Don't let the age factor hold you back Loving is not something that is age restrictive!

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Our kids are 25 (husband's son with late first wife), 16 (our first biological child together), 12 (foster daughter we're adopting), 2 (our third biological daughter) and I'm pregnant now. We also have another daughter who would be thirteen now but died way too soon. We cherish the memories we made with her.

 

I was the same age you are now when I got pregnant with our two year old.

 

Our oldest daughter tells anyone who will listen that she has the best big brother and he was almost 9 when she was born. He wasn't really a peer but he has always loved her unconditionally and been a guiding presence for her. Basically they have that sibling mutual adoration society vibe going. She strives to be as good a big sibling to her younger siblings as he has always been for her.

 

As far as the "old mom" stuff. My MIL had her youngest when she was older than I am now. She's gotten that daughter through high school, off to college, and she is still going strong. My own mom is active, a fun grandmother, and actively teaching 3rd grade in a high risk school.

 

Best wishes to you and your family whatever you decide to do.

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I am 37 and pregnant with our second child. DD will be closing in on 7 1/2 when this one is born. I had her when I was 30 so we have that in common.

 

We first started TTC when we thought there would be a 5 year difference. Life had other plans for us.

 

Honestly, I am really excited about this age difference. They won't be constant playmates but that's such a brief moment in time. What I hope is that they foster a strong relationship that lasts well into adulthood.

 

I'm nervous about hsing when she is a toddler but that really has nothing to do with age difference.

 

Good luck figuring it out!

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I had my first at 29, my 4th at 37. My first was 8 when my last was born & they shared a room for about 2 years & have the closest and coolest bond now. I could not plan who I had when & how old would be the "right" age when they graduate or whatever. I had several miscarriages and all 4 of my healthy kids started out with preterm worries, I am so grateful for them!

 

I have to add, that my kids are all constant playmates for each other, yes my oldest might not want to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with my youngest, but she can turn it on for her :)

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I had my second son at 37. I'm now 49 and youngest is 12. I don't feel too old for the challenges, and am enjoying beginning to combine work outside the home with mothering (as we made a family decision for the boys to go to school). It is worth remembering, however, that the older you get the longer it might take you to conceive and the higher the risk of birth defects becomes.

 

Even if your children had been close in age, they wouldn't necessarily have been companions. I have a friend who has boy/girl twins and she spends most of her time trying to keep them apart because they fight so badly.

 

My boys are 3 1/2 years apart. They played well from when Hobbes was about 4 until he was about 8. Before and after that they couldn't really. They still love each other and care for each other. They have a good relationship.

 

Laura

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Well, I feel old now! I thought 37 was a perfectly normal age to be having children before I read this thread. Ha ha ha! Where we live, I wouldn't hear that type of concern until mom was at least into her mid 40's.

 

Anyway... I have the same setup as rocketgirl. First born at 29 and I just had my fourth (5 days ago) at 37. I never thought of that as old. Even thinking about being 56 at college time seems perfectly normal.

 

I think the concerns you're having are normal concerns that everyone has when they contemplate a 2nd. You are concerned about the baby getting enough of you with homeschooling going on. If you had the baby 5 years ago, you would have been concerned that the baby wasn't getting enough of you because you had a toddler to care for also. Even moms with little ones who are already potty trained worry about going back to diapers and baby care.

 

Honestly, I don't know you, but if you (and your husband) are that seriously considering a 2nd, you should do it. I was an only and always wanted a sibling. The dynamic while the baby is little might be different than it would if they were 2 or 3 years apart. But, by the time they are 20 and 29, they could be building a real friendship. And then, they have like 60 years to build on that relationship. And hopefully, they will have each other to lean on long after you and hubby are gone.

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Well, my mother (who is in her 50s) would so have jumped on your number 3. I'm going to have to get quite firm with her about keeping her opinions to herself. But this is a woman who has had almost 20 years of freedom and doesn't understand why I want to tie myself down with kids. You'll have to decide for yourself if you want to parent in your 50s or be traveling by then.

 

I would like to suggest you could do one more thing other than have a baby. If you wanted a child a little closer in age to ds and not sure about doing diapers again or doing high school well past 50, you could adopt a preschooler or young elementary kiddo. That wouldn't back you up quite as far.

 

But, we got a baby 5 months ago. And we're hoping mediation means we'll get to keep her. And I'm 38 this year (so would have been 36 when she was born). And she is awesome. I'd gladly parent and homeschool a few more years! You'll love your new kiddo so much that I doubt you'll even think about all the concerns with it.

 

And then, your 60s and 70s, when your mind is still quite nimble because you used it so much all your adult life, can be filled with grandkids and travel and button conventions (my mom's hobby).

Edited by 2J5M9K
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Well, I feel old now! I thought 37 was a perfectly normal age to be having children before I read this thread. Ha ha ha! Where we live, I wouldn't hear that type of concern until mom was at least into her mid 40's.

 

Anyway... I have the same setup as rocketgirl. First born at 29 and I just had my fourth (5 days ago) at 37. I never thought of that as old. Even thinking about being 56 at college time seems

 

:iagree: 37 isn't really old in my circles either. I had my kids at 30 and 34, and most of my mom friends ere older than me. I would have happily had one more, but DH was done with2. I would go for it.

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I know a lot of moms that have had kids in their late 30s and 40s. Their age hasn't been an issue really.

 

I have two brothers. One is 6 years younger and one is 20 years younger. I love them both. Our age differences really haven't been an issue either. (except since I was an adult with a child on the way myself, my youngest brother feels more like a nephew). My 6 year younger brother and I have remained fairly close over the years, despite the fact that I moved out when he was young.

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Our son is 9 1/2. I am 35 and dh nearly 38 and we are adopting an infant. We were very comfortalbe with the idea of adopting a little older child for many of the reasons you listed, but we are starting over....I don't think we will regret it and I can't imagine you regretting loving another child.

Wishing you the best...

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My youngest was born when I was 42, and he's five now. My oldest was born when I was 21. My first two are a year apart (I do not recommend that!) and then there is a good ten year gap until my next child. I do think I'm better at being a mom in my forties than I was in my twenties for many reasons but mostly because I don't have as many competing priorities. I've enjoyed my youngest much more because of that.

 

Dh and I are not concerned about how old we'll be when he graduates or whatever. We do hope to be healthy and active as long as possible. I don't think either of us envisioned a future with years of traveling unencumbered by children so that hasn't been a concern. We like children and enjoy spending time with them. I imagine I will go back to work with children in some capacity once my own are all grown. We really don't plan on retirement or changing our lives in any substantial way as we get older except as dictated by our health. Dh loves his work, and he has as examples more than one octogenarian co-worker still going strong and passionate about helping others (they are social workers). I hope that when my homeschooling days are done that I find a similar passion for something.

 

My children are all different ages now and some are parents themselves. They do seem to have close relationships in spite of that. My thirteen year old daughter just spent yesterday helping me babysit one of her two year old nephews and spent last night helping his mom (her sister who is twenty six) study for a nursing exam. The more, the merrier, it seems.

 

I would do it again. In fact, I'd have another one now if I could. I don't feel old yet.....I'm sure I have at least another twenty five years or so before that happens :001_smile:

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I had my first baby at 41 and my second at nearly 43. I'm having a hard time understanding your concerns about your age. ;);)

 

I know many, many moms with big age gaps between children, lots of children, homeschooling in all situations, women having children at age 40 and up!

 

If you want a baby, have a baby! It will all work out! :grouphug:

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I'm 37 and pregnant with my 4th. My youngest will be 7 when he's born. I have all the same concerns as you, but, really, there's just no way to know how sibling relationships will turn out, regardless of the ages involved. Or how I'll feel about having kids at home when I'm in my mid 50's (as opposed to being all finished at 47 like I would have been). You'd be going in with an advantage over me in that you already know what it's like to raise a kid with no close in age siblings....all new territory for me!

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I was 28 when we married, our first child came to us by adoption when I was 30. He was a newborn. Despite all our efforts, we were unable to adopt again until ds was 7, and again, a newborn infant. I was now 37 and my dh was 44.

 

1. By the time this possible baby was born, my son would be almost 8 so they wouldn't be near enough in age to play well together. My son adores his sister, and she adores her brother. Maybe it is because we homeschool but they are very close. They play well together sometimes, sometimes not. The hardest thing for me is that when we do outside activities that are age segregated, they are never on the same leagues or times as each other. Play dates for one or the other are harder to find as well because few have the same age spread.

 

2. I'm now a full-time homeschool mom; how would it be fair to a new baby to be "put off" and told to be quiet and to let us work. It's such a different "babyhood" than my son had that I wonder if it'd be wrong to do to a little one. A life surrounded by love is what I see. And honestly, it was my older child that has been told to be quiet way more than my younger. I needed her to finish those naps!

 

3. I'd be 56 years old by the time the child graduated from high school!!! Yep, and my dh will be 63 when dd graduates.

 

4. I doubt I'd be up for another child after this potential baby #2, so he or she wouldn't have a near-age sibling either. I've always disliked that for my son and now I'll have to mourn that fact AGAIN (to worry that the child's lonely, etc.).I ust look at it as them having a only childhood at different times. My son was an only child until he was 7. My dd will be an only child at home after she is 11, providing my son actually moves out. I know it will be hard, but I have no doubt that she will have other friends and activities to keep her busy as well.

 

5. I wonder if it just wouldn't be fair for the new baby -- to have an old mom. I'll be wiping the hot flashes when he or she is an 8th grader! Then I'll be like 66 when his or her children are born!!! I believe that God works things out. You won't be the only older mom, I am not. In some ways I am a much better mom with my second child.

 

6. I don't like the idea of being empty nested at 48 (as I will be when my son graduates high school). I'm wondering if I'm being selfish to have a child to avoid this. At least 2 of my friends have now become or will shortly become empty nesters in their 40s. I must say I do envy them at times! As their youngest is now leaving for college, I am dreading teaching my youngest to read this year. At least she is potty trained LOL.

 

7. How will this potential little one feel when his or her brother (my son) leaves home? My son has been an only for 8 years, but this child will come into the world with him and won't it be HARD on him or her when he leaves home at 18? He or she will be 10 years old. If they were only 1 or 2 years apart this could still be difficult. My dad and his sister are 7 years apart and they are super close today. After having a brother at home that teased her, she was kind of ready to be the princess of the house. Plus, she says now that she loved being the first one in high school with nieces and nephews.

 

8. I just love mothering. I'm a natural homebody and nurturer. I can't see myself enjoying anything else as much as I've enjoyed being a mom. I've never liked having one child. I always thought I'd have at least 2 kids. This may be your answer.

 

9. I do confess that the thought of returning to diapers and that much dependency does give me pause especially now that I'm JUST getting to where I can sleep in every now and then while my husband takes my son, etc.

I admit this was really, really tough on me. Fortunately my dh was very supportive and helpful. I knew that any day he was off work, I could sleep in and he would care for the baby.

One of the hardest things for me was quite unexpected. At 37 most of the other new moms were in their early 20s. For a time my dd was on special formula (she was a preemie) and I would have to pick it up at the health department (WIC). I dreaded those appointments just because I knew that some teen mom was going to comment how great it was that 'grandma' was with the baby. OK, yes, I could be a grandma (and some of my high school friends ARE grandmas!), but that really offended me. At church the other moms were also an easy 10 years or more younger than me. Other than babies we didn't have much in common. The moms my age only had older or much older kids.

My son has a clsoer relationship with my parents than my dd ever will and that is difficult for me to think about. In the last few years their health has really declined and I hope I have more years with them. They don't have the energy to spend hours with my dd like they did with my son at the same age and that is hardest on my dd. She just doesn't understand why she isn't able to spend as much time with them as my ds.

That being said, I wouldn't change a thing now. I am glad I have my kids. I have so much joy, love and blessing that I believe God timed it all just right.

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my boys are 5 years apart, not quite the same. I was your age when I had your second. We wanted them closer together (and more than two) but that wasn't to be.

 

I have to say that having the kids spread apart is kind of fun. They are the BEST of friends, and I had no issues of a toddler falling apart because of a new sibling. Parenting the two of them has been disgustingly easy. My eldest got all of my attention when he was challenging at two, three, four and so did my youngest.

 

Homeschool has been disgustingly easy as well. I am well and truly spoiled. Just when you have to 'put off the baby' for schooling, your eldest will be able to do lots of work on his own. You son is now 8..so a third or 4th year? In two years you will be handing him an assignment and telling him to complete and bring it back to you for checking and discussion. That will only increase as he gets older. That gives you time to teach the younger.

 

There are lots of things to consider when having more kids, but I assure you that the age spread and homeschooling, in this case, isn't one to stress over.

 

Oh, and the neighbor across the street is having her unexpected second next month. Their son is 9. He is thrilled and over the moon at having a sibling!

 

Wait, I just remembered another friend, her kids are at least that far apart and she homeschools them both, and she works almost full time. The elder is now old enough to be home with the younger if they have a gap between mom and dad finishing up their respective jobs. The elder has also helped quite a bit with teaching the younger.

 

See, you wouldn't be the only one. :001_smile:

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my thoughts in green below

I've joined the board here to ask some advice and to hopefully hear some testimonies on an issue that's been on my mind of late.

 

Preliminary info: I'm 37 years old. I have one son who just turned 7 years old. Had him when I was 30. We had been married 2 years when we conceived him. When my son was 19 months old, my grandmother came to live with us as she was in need of full time care. My grandmother passed away this past March and, while I miss her, I am glad she's in a better place in Heaven now. Before she died, there was just no way I could entertain the idea of having another child. Caring for her was extremely exhausting and, in many ways, was far more difficult than caring for a baby.

 

Since her death, I have begun to entertain the idea of having another child. Before my son was born, my husband and I wanted 2 children but once we took in my grandmother, we both gradually came to see how I just couldn't handle another child. My husband is content with just our one, and he's neutral about my contemplation of wanting another. He's left the decision up to me and said he's perfectly happy with whatever I decide.

 

But, I just feel quite torn on the matter on a number of levels.

 

1. By the time this possible baby was born, my son would be almost 8 so they wouldn't be near enough in age to play well together.

But your son can learn so much from a little sibling. patience, taking care of a baby/toddler. Plus my husband and his brother are 6 yrs apart and are best friends and were best friends since they were little. Plus when they get older the age difference wont be that bad. My husband is also friends with his brother that is 15 yrs older than him. I am friends with my brother that's 18 yrs older than me. I truely think that a sibling is the best gift you could give to your child. They will still have each other once you and dh are gone.

2. I'm now a full-time homeschool mom; how would it be fair to a new baby to be "put off" and told to be quiet and to let us work. It's such a different "babyhood" than my son had that I wonder if it'd be wrong to do to a little one.

http://www.lovetolearn.net/policies/baby.lasso

Baby can play, sleep or be held during school hours.

3. I'd be 56 years old by the time the child graduated from high school!!!

My brother had a baby at 50. At least you won't be 68! Really, 56 isnt that old to graduate a child.

 

4. I doubt I'd be up for another child after this potential baby #2, so he or she wouldn't have a near-age sibling either. I've always disliked that for my son and now I'll have to mourn that fact AGAIN (to worry that the child's lonely, etc.).

The child will have you, dad and brother. Add in friends and other family and he's good.

 

5. I wonder if it just wouldn't be fair for the new baby -- to have an old mom. I'll be wiping the hot flashes when he or she is an 8th grader! Then I'll be like 66 when his or her children are born!!!

Really, you are NOT going to be an old mother! My m-i-l had her youngest when she was 46.

6. I don't like the idea of being empty nested at 48 (as I will be when my son graduates high school). I'm wondering if I'm being selfish to have a child to avoid this.

Doesnt sound to me like this is the sole reason you want to have a child.

7. How will this potential little one feel when his or her brother (my son) leaves home? My son has been an only for 8 years, but this child will come into the world with him and won't it be HARD on him or her when he leaves home at 18? He or she will be 10 years old.

Yes, the little one will be sad. BUT visits from big brother will be so much fun! My cousin has a 12 yr old and 19 yr old and the 12 yr old is always so excited to see big sister when she is home from college. Plus big sis is excited to come home and see little sis.

8. I just love mothering. I'm a natural homebody and nurturer. I can't see myself enjoying anything else as much as I've enjoyed being a mom. I've never liked having one child. I always thought I'd have at least 2 kids.

I've never heard anyone regret one of their children being born. I have so many friends and family say they wish they had had another child (or3!!)

 

9. I do confess that the thought of returning to diapers and that much dependency does give me pause especially now that I'm JUST getting to where I can sleep in every now and then while my husband takes my son, etc.

Yeah diapers and not sleeping kind of stink. But compared to the joy that another child brings, those things just dont matter. Your son's face when he meets his new little brother or sister for the first time... ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS...

 

Obviously I'm thinking at it on many levels, but I'd love to hear from those of you who may have been here and can give me a retrospective look on how it worked out for you. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Man, I wish I'd never have had little Emma or little Billy." I KNOW that's not going to happen.

But can you shed some light on some of my concerns? Any thoughts would be appreciated?

 

A newbie out of lurking!

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I would say go for it as well. I just had my 8th at 40 yrs old, so you are a youngin' to me ;)! There are pros and cons of having kids close together. My older dd's, 9 & 7, are really enjoying and taking part in care for my now 3 mo old. They enjoy each milestone - the smiles, the grabbing at bright toys, the head being held up. My 3 & 1 yr old, on the other hand, see the baby a lot of times as their nemesis: they want my attention, or the attention of their older sisters, and the baby is getting it. I try to divide my attention as much as possible, but there is still a lot of jealousy. Yes, chances are they will be play buds - my 5 & 3 yr old are as thick as thieves. But speaking of thieves, my 5 yr old, quite honestly, is not a good role model a lot of the time - he has impulse, rage, ocd issues, and my 3 yr old is modelling all of these traits. My 5 yr old is becoming a bit more mellow each year. So it is not always necessarily the gold standard, imo, for kiddos to be very close in age. They can still be buddies with a bigger age difference. My older dd's read books, play leggos, and play games with their toddler siblings. Then they have time when they want to read books, etc, and be alone. I think it is a pretty healthy balance. I'm not against having children close together - I wouldn't have it any other way, but to me I think back when I had 2-4 kids and no helpers (my oldest 2 are severely autistic), no one to share and cheer the milestones, and I think "How did I DO that?!"

 

Best wishes to you - what a blessing to still be of age to have another child!

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I say go for it. My 1st and 2nd are over 10 years apart. They ADORE each other, and having a sibling has been really good for my son. Plus, I know if something happens to me, they have each other. That's one of my biggest reasons for wanting my son to have a sibling...so that when his parents die he still has some family. Plus I want his kids to have cousins, aunts/uncles/etc.

 

Oh, and a baby is a LOT easier when you have an older kid to help out.

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I am turning 37 tomorrow, and we plan to have another baby sometime-ish. :) So I say go for it!

 

I have a sister who is 9 years older than I am, and she and I were very close when I was young and are close now, too. Age doesn't necessarily determine how close siblings are.

 

56 doesn't seem very old, either. While health can be unpredictable (at any age), from what I've read, a lot of what we associate with physical aging is really related to years of inactivity (muscle loss, lack of flexibility, loss of balance, etc.). My parents are in their 70s and are still very active--particularly my mother.

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I am pregnant with #2. My son is 8 years old. He'll be 6 months away from 9 when his brother is born. While that age difference seems large NOW, when they are 20 and 28, or 30 and 38, it won't mean a thing, and they will have each other :)

 

I don't expect to have many problems with sharing between them. DS, then 9, will be old enough to understand that if your brother takes something away from you, it's because he is young and doesn't understand, just help him. I can't imagine DS9 will be taking the baby's toys from him ;)

 

It will be great to have a helper with the baby!! When we go grocery shopping, DS9 will be able to push the basket while I push the baby.

 

DS will be/is able to do more work independently, and that will only get better as he ages, so I'm not worried about the school aspect with the baby. (And my DH doesn't go to work until 2:30, so that helps.)

 

My mother is 52 and she just moved in with us until she gets her own place up here. I was helping her last night try to find a group on meetup.com b/c she is still very young and active and wants to go out and do stuff. We found her a hiking group AND a kayaking group to join! And she hasn't even begun to start menopause or have hot flashes, much to her disappointment, LOL! 56 may seem old to you now (me too, I'm only 31), but it REALLY isn't. 50 is the new 40, dontcha' know!?!

 

I've heard that having babies at an older age will keep you young, because it forces you to stay active! If you exercise and eat healthy and take care of yourself, you could be very active into your 70's and 80's! Both sets of my husbands grandparents are still alive, except for one grandfather. His wife will turn 86 this month. She still goes bowling, is active in her church and volunteers at the hospital with her sister! His other grandparents are 81 and they have a huge RV that they still take down to Florida for the winter and they go camping every month while here! They still have a few health problems, that's expected, but they are still very active. The only people I know, or have known, who age quickly and are bed ridden/house bound at a young age, are those who didn't take care of themselves when they were younger. So if you are worried about aging, you can control how fast you age by taking care of yourself :)

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I've joined the board here to ask some advice and to hopefully hear some testimonies on an issue that's been on my mind of late.

 

Preliminary info: I'm 37 years old. I have one son who just turned 7 years old. Had him when I was 30. We had been married 2 years when we conceived him. When my son was 19 months old, my grandmother came to live with us as she was in need of full time care. My grandmother passed away this past March and, while I miss her, I am glad she's in a better place in Heaven now. Before she died, there was just no way I could entertain the idea of having another child. Caring for her was extremely exhausting and, in many ways, was far more difficult than caring for a baby.

 

Since her death, I have begun to entertain the idea of having another child. Before my son was born, my husband and I wanted 2 children but once we took in my grandmother, we both gradually came to see how I just couldn't handle another child. My husband is content with just our one, and he's neutral about my contemplation of wanting another. He's left the decision up to me and said he's perfectly happy with whatever I decide.

 

But, I just feel quite torn on the matter on a number of levels.

 

1. By the time this possible baby was born, my son would be almost 8 so they wouldn't be near enough in age to play well together.

 

I wouldn't be so sure of that. They may not play together like same-age siblings do, but the little one will likely idolize big brother, and big brother may find that he enjoys that... Or they may not. But the same is true for similar age kids.

2. I'm now a full-time homeschool mom; how would it be fair to a new baby to be "put off" and told to be quiet and to let us work. It's such a different "babyhood" than my son had that I wonder if it'd be wrong to do to a little one.

 

 

This is true even if your kids are closer. My twins had to be "put off" all the time for DD's needs, and they're very close in age. In part, because she was so small when they were born (2yo), sometimes I need to put off their needs to handle hers. Second (or later) siblings have a different babyhood from first-borns, I think that's just a part of life.

 

6. I don't like the idea of being empty nested at 48 (as I will be when my son graduates high school). I'm wondering if I'm being selfish to have a child to avoid this.

 

7. How will this potential little one feel when his or her brother (my son) leaves home? My son has been an only for 8 years, but this child will come into the world with him and won't it be HARD on him or her when he leaves home at 18? He or she will be 10 years old.

 

8. I just love mothering. I'm a natural homebody and nurturer. I can't see myself enjoying anything else as much as I've enjoyed being a mom. I've never liked having one child. I always thought I'd have at least 2 kids.

 

There are worse reasons to be brought into the world than because someone wanted to love you, nurture you, and take care of you. Eventually you will have an empty nest, but if that's something you want to put off (ie you WANT to have children at home for longer), then I can't see why that's a BAD reason to have a baby. The younger sib might be sad when brother leaves the nest, but it seems like if they are that close, then they were better off having each other than not having each other. Besides, not much is cooler to a 10yo than a college-aged sibling...and it seems like the support and listening ear of a 20-something sibling might be a valuable thing for a teenager who doesn't want to talk to mom about teen stuff.

 

3. I'd be 56 years old by the time the child graduated from high school!!!

 

4. I doubt I'd be up for another child after this potential baby #2, so he or she wouldn't have a near-age sibling either. I've always disliked that for my son and now I'll have to mourn that fact AGAIN (to worry that the child's lonely, etc.).

 

9. I do confess that the thought of returning to diapers and that much dependency does give me pause especially now that I'm JUST getting to where I can sleep in every now and then while my husband takes my son, etc.

 

Yup, those would be the things that would bug me. I haven't BTDT, so maybe others will have a perspective on those.

 

 

5. I wonder if it just wouldn't be fair for the new baby -- to have an old mom. I'll be wiping the hot flashes when he or she is an 8th grader! Then I'll be like 66 when his or her children are born!!!

 

Meh. I've known lots of kids with older moms. You are not THAT old as older moms go. It'll be all this kid knows, so it'll be normal to him/her. Older moms have both advantages and disadvantages, from the kid's perspective.

 

 

 

 

Obviously I'm thinking at it on many levels, but I'd love to hear from those of you who may have been here and can give me a retrospective look on how it worked out for you. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Man, I wish I'd never have had little Emma or little Billy." I KNOW that's not going to happen.

But can you shed some light on some of my concerns? Any thoughts would be appreciated?

 

A newbie out of lurking!

 

From my perspective,

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I had my third at 36 and adopted our last at 40. While my youngest one has attachment issues, dd12, almost 13, and I couldn't possibly be closer. She is such a blessing to dh and I.

 

I used to feel bad for the younger kids being toted to everyone's activities but now I have time for the younger girls alone. You will have 10 years of time ALONE with the child, and you will certainly have to make soecial time for him/her each day.

 

I certainly wouldn't let age be a factor here.

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I have a sister who is 12 years apart from me. While we were not really companions at all as children, I have a lot of memories of helping care for her as an infant and small child that I really treasure. And now that we are adults we have a different kind of relationship that is valuable to us. I also know that if there are ever family issues we will all pitch in - for example things like taking care of our parents as they age. She is also a great fun aunt and my kids adore her.

 

I think the homeschooling thing can be worked out. First children do get a lot more one on one time and a different kind of childhood, but I wouldn't say it is better. Subsequent children do often have to wait for older siblings, and olders have to learn to wait on youngers, and it is generally a good thing for both IMO.

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Guest RayonAcetate

Oh.......I'm crying after reading all of this. You guys are SO encouraging. I don't feel so alone as I see so many of you have done just this and are glad you did. I'm so glad I asked this. You offer such great advice and words of wisdom. I'm going to read this all again!

 

 

Thanks so much!

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I had number 4 when I was 37 years old. The ages of my other children were 6, 7 1/2, and 11. I would not trade it for the world. One of the biggest blessings has been watching my children bond with a new baby. They have celebrated every milestone and funny thing she has every did. I think because they were older when she was born they have a better appreciation and joy for her than they do for each other. I know that sounds kind of weird to say I am not sure how else to explain it! I am 41 now and would take another child in a heartbeat!

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OP, my younger sibling and I are almost 13 years apart in age (with no siblings in between us). My parents took a really long time deciding about having a third child. I know at the time my mom felt like an "older mom" (she was only 35!) but that's because she was so young when she had her first two. My other sibling is 4 years older than me so we weren't exactly playmates either. I am close to both of them.

 

There are advantages and disadvantages to any age gap. I have an only child and I think there are advantages to that as well.

 

There are many things you can do with an older child/teenager that would be more difficult to do with a little one along. When I was a teenager my mom had a toddler, so she wasn't always available when I needed her (and I don't mean needed her to make me a sandwich, I mean needed her to be there for me). However, my younger sibling brought a lot of joy to me during those hard teenage years. There is no one right answer.

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I didn't read all the posts but I did read your post. Your concerns are normal but put them aside and listen to your heart. If you want another child-do it!

My youngest is 10 yrs younger than my oldest and honestly, the older children are great with the "baby." They have learned a lot by helping care for her and watch out for her, which your son would too.

 

I had decided against having #3 because of some of your concerns but fate had another plan for us ;) A few weeks after we got rid ALL of our baby stuff my husband asked if I was pregnant when I said I had a headache....I was shocked at the idea since I had just turned 40 and that was not in the "plan". But alas, it was meant to be and she is the joy of our family :001_smile:

 

So sometimes, no matter what you decide, nature has other plans. But I would go with your hear/gut and follow that path to see where to takes you.

 

Good luck!

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1. By the time this possible baby was born, my son would be almost 8 so they wouldn't be near enough in age to play well together.

 

!

 

My sister is 8 years older than me and my brother is 10 years older than me. We had absolutely nothing in common until I graduated college. We were always in different chapters in life (elementary school verses high school, college verses work force/marriage/kids). I mean, when I was 5, she was 13...what the heck did we have in common then?? Now, we are all married with children so we are pretty much at the same point in life.

 

Also, it is your own personal decision but I do have some thoughts I would like to share as a child with older parents. My mom was 35ish and my dad was 40ish when I was born. The past few years, I have watched them age, go to the doctor more, become tired sooner, etc. (I can't even type this without my eyes welling up with tears). I hate it and it completely terrifies me. My FIL is 70 and just lost his mother. I won't have a mother or father when I'm in my 70s or 60s or maybe even 50s. It's the worse thought/feeling in the world.

 

 

There is no correct answer that fits everyone but from my own experiences and life, I would not want to have a child after age 35. Again, I'm saying this gently because I know many on this board have kiddos over 35. It's just not right for me.

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I would absolutely have a second child - nothing that you mentioned sounds insurmountable or like a true barrier to having another baby. I know siblings who had that age gap and grew up to be very close - and as a bonus did NOT deal with sibling rivalry issues like closer-in-age siblings did.

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Well, I certainly am not going to discourage you! Due to marrying late in life, I didn't have my first child till I was 38 ( got married at 37!) . I had my second at 40, and my third at 42. I had very healthy non complicated pregnancies, and healthy boys.

 

My main concern was what one of the previous posters shared, about how sad it is to loose your parents at an earlier age. But, on the other hand, would it be better for them to not have been born? There are no guarantees in life. We could live into our 80's ( sure hope so!)...and younger parents die all the time. I think you just have to seize the day! If you want more children, and can care for more, then do it! You will never regret it, of course!! :)

 

We are done having children ourselves, but are actually open to adopting a little girl if we get the opportunity....and I am 44 :) .

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Just wanted to say go for it! I have 3, with a 8 year gap between the older & youngest. The pregnancies did get a bit harder, but hey, it's only 9 months. Even if you are very queasy for 8 months, you can totally do that for the sake of your new baby. :D

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