Poll to follow. Taking the husband's last name upon marriage. Yes, no, other

[JoLuRu]

I took his last name, though we both kicked around the idea of making up a brand new name for the two of us. But we were somewhat terrified of the fits our parents and grandparents would throw. We were wimps back then!

 

I wish I hadn't taken it. I feel left out of my own family now. I greatly identified with my own family. My family used to say things like, "We're the Smiths. We do things the Smith way." And now I'm not a Smith anymore, and it makes me feel sad. I know I'm still a Smith in a sense, but somehow not having the Smith name makes me feel distant from them.

 

Also, growing up, it was just me and my mom and dad. Just we three. There was no other family. So, now that it's just the two of them, I feel like I abandoned my family. I don't think my parents feel that way, but I do.

 

Does that make sense?

 

This totally makes sense. We say we're "Team Smith" and "Who's awesome? The Smiths are awesome!" It's silly, but it connects us, and I'm glad to have that.

 

I'm a-okay with people using whatever want to call themselves. I was glad to shed my unusually spelled, oft-teased maiden name for an easier to pronounce and spell name!

[PeacefulChaos]

I took my husband's name.

I don't know why I wouldn't have. I like the tradition of it. :) And I like being a ___ (his last name).

I'm actually surprised at the number of people who don't change their last name. I know it isn't the majority, but I honestly can't think of anyone I know IRL who didn't take their husband's name. I also can see where the family unit is important. I consider my main family to be DH and the kids. I don't think that my main unity/loyalty lies with my family of origin.

And for me, all the switching was cake. It took a couple of days, tops. It sucks that your experience was so awful, though - but I don't think that's the norm. I've never heard of anything like it.

Edited August 14, 2012 by PeacefulChaos

[Sahamamama]

I changed my last name to his. Saw no reason not to, and still don't mind really. I took his name, he moved near my family instead of his. I *think* that is a good trade LOL.

 

This is us, too. His last name was fine by me, but I liked my maiden name, too. But I was 36.5 when I married, so I figured I'd had my maiden name long enough. :tongue_smilie:The best part was that he moved from CA to NJ and we "escaped" living near his stress-inducing parents. My parents are enjoyable, his make us want to go :banghead::banghead:.

[jewellsmommy]

Right before we married, Dh changed his last name because he had no ties to his then current last name. He had not known his father. He wanted a new last name to begin our family with.

 

But, I also kept my maiden name as well:

 

So I have: Tammy (middle name) (maiden name) (new last name that dh also changed to)

 

No hyphens.

[Hen]

I took his name, partly for tradition and mostly because my maiden name was hard to spell and hard to pronounce, I was glad to give it up. I didn't have many accomplishments or a degree tied to it, if I had, I would have gone the hyphenated route.

[Hen]

oh, and I had no problem changing my name on my S.S. card, and the driver's license DMV didn't even ask for my marriage cert which irked me how easy it was to change your name.

[Cinder]

I voted other because though I took dh's last name I changed my middle name to add my maiden name. Dh's sister had done the same though she dropped her original middle name. His other sis had kept her maiden name because changing it might have had a negative effect. She was recognized within her profession by her maiden name and felt people wouldn't know her under a new name. She didn't want to do a hyphenated name, either.

[Dana]

Sometimes DH gets called Mr. MyLastName, and sometimes I get called Mrs. HisLastName, but we politely correct and move on. We are an oddity around here, but I honestly, I like being a little unusual.

 

With phone calls, that's how you know it's someone trying to get money!

 

I don't make a big deal if someone we know calls me by dh's last name. When we got married, I never planned to have kids. If I had, I may have changed it or pushed him to change his so we'd have a family name.

 

If my son changed his name if he gets married, I'd be fine with that.

[jar7709]

I kept my name. I like it. It is not so unusual in my group to do so. Some of the older generation on my side of the family think it odd and persist in calling me Mrs. DH but whatever, I dont get bent out of shape about it. The kids have DHs last name, but mine as one of their middle names.

[TranquilMind]

I did not take his name. And then I did :lol: I kept my own for 10 years, then, during a sort of renewal period in our marriage, I decided to change it. Except, I sort of got stuck halfway through paperwork hell. I still have some more things to change.

 

Me too! Kept my own name until we had kids, then decided I'd use his. Everything went well for awhile until my stupid state decided to force me to change my name because it was not an exact match with Social Security. By that time, I hyphenated a lot, so my name wouldn't fit in the Social security boxes. I was forced to take only his name.:confused:

 

I still sign my name as a middle name except on official documents. The state can bite me.

[kubiac]

Kept my maiden name for four years after marriage--it was my professional byline and there is name-related family drama so it was easier on all fronts.

 

And then I had a kid, and after trying to do return addresses on the baby-gift thank-you notes I realized I was done preserving the distinction. I switched to my husband's name shortly thereafter. I just came back to work after maternity leave and declared my new identity. The professional time off seemed to make a switch easier, and it's personally been all for the good.

Edited August 14, 2012 by kubiac

[MollyAnn]

I took DHs name without even thinking twice about it... till about six months later when I started wishing I had hyphenated.

14 years later I am starting the process to legally change my last name to my maiden name-his last name.

DH is supportive, when I finally brought it up he said he always wondered why I hadn't hyphenated in the first place.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I took his. I liked it better than my maiden name, and I like that we (me, him, kids) all have the same family name. I didn't have a professional career tied up with my maiden name though. . . if I had, I still would have taken his name, but I may have considered keeping both or using a hyphenated version.

[KungFuPanda]

I changed mine. I had no issues or paperwork glitches. I had no idea it could be a big paperwork hassle. It was easier than doing taxes. This was the early 90s and I was in the military, so perhaps they helped the process. I really don't remember.

 

My married name was similar to my Captain's, and he got married around the same time, so there was a brief rumor that we married each other.

[BlueTaelon]

Not married but if I ever do I will keep my name, it's mind boggling to me to change your name due to a marriage,

[reign]

I didn't change my name until right before my oldest was born. Had I thought about a new last name for both of us was a option I would have pushed for that. I didn't think of it at the time though.

[Carpe]

I come from a long line of women that did not change their names.

 

My mother did not, her mother did not, and her mother did not.

My father's mother did not, nor did any of his aunts. His bio-grandmother did, but his step-grandmother did not (there had already been a Mrs Lastname and she didn't want to be called "the second Mrs Lastname").

 

I see no reason to change my name other than "that's what people do." Plus it was a hassle, and I had a well established career under my current name.

[cloversandlions]

I changed mine because I wanted to have the same surname as my children. If I had to do it all over again? I might keep mine. I really, really dislike dh's last name, and I really, really loved my maiden name.

 

One thing I did do was to drop (unofficially, I guess) my original middle name, and use my maiden name as my middle. My SSN and driver's license both have my name as FIRSTNAME MAIDENNAME DH'SLASTNAME.

[LMV]

I'm a physician and I kept my name mainly for professional reasons. My husband thought this made sense.

[JennyD]

\ DH and I worked at the same university, in the same department. We didn't want the confusion of "which Dr. Lastname do you mean, the man or the woman..." all of the time. \.

 

This is us. The registrar puts a little parenthetical with our first initial in the course catalog.

 

I will say that there is exponentially more hassle associated with having a different social/legal name than there used to be. When I started a new job this past January I had to go through a new (to me) I-9 citizenship verification process and the fact that I had one name on my drivers license, another name on my social security card, and actually wanted to use a third, different name nearly sent the poor HR person into despair. It used to be that people would just wave their hands and say fine, but now it all has to work in the computer system.

[Jpoy85]

I took my husbands but I SHOULD have hyphenated it like i wanted :(

[LMV]

I kept my maiden name. Surprisingly, my father, who had only daughters, wanted me to change my name. DH and I worked at the same university, in the same department. We didn't want the confusion of "which Dr. Lastname do you mean, the man or the woman..." all of the time. I didn't want to go by one name socially and another name professionally and have to remember how the individual whom I was talking to knew me to know which to use.

 

My husband has married relatives who are both physicians. They married when the husband was a resident and the wife was still in medical school so she did take his name and graduated as Dr. HisLastName. They do currently practice at the same hospital and the nurses apparently often refer to them as Mrs Dr. HisLastName and Mr. Dr. HisLastName to differentiate. They are in different specialties so that helps some as well I presume.

[Aggie]

I took dh's last name. I like everyone in our family having one last name and no hyphens. :001_smile:

[mumto2]

I took his last name. My last name was a comman German name but with odd spelling. It was a relief to have a plain old British last name. Hyphenation sounded dreadful. Now we live in England I am really glad. We blend in beautifully namewise.

 

Like Faith I spent a lot of time changing my SS number. The last time I renewed my US drivers license it was discovered that the change had never been properly completed. They took my tax money for almost 20 years without complaint but due to new laws wouldn't give me a drivers license.:glare:

[Rhonda in TX]

I took DH's last name and had no problems getting it changed. I honestly can't think of one single issue. I just sent in the paperwork, and it was done. I have to say, though, that I really miss my former last name. I went from a very unusual last name to a very common one. I did keep my maiden name as my middle name, so it's not completely gone, but still...

[lynn]

I wanted to keep my maiden name, but A. I could tell he was a little disappointed, B. his father threw an unholy cow and made us miserable about it leading up to the wedding - yes, my FIL was a male-chauvenist-oinkus of the highest order and C. my very traditional parents appeared to be mortified that I was considering not taking his name though they didn't stink about it like FIL.

 

It was a nightmare for me. For one, no employee in the social security office would DO THEIR JOB. I am not joking when I say that it took 18 months and 12 trips (two hrs. each direction) to a SS office to finally get someone to actually do the work and process the name change. In that time, the bank would not allow me to sign anything for the joint checking account because the name for my #SS number did not match my new driver's license (which was changed just based on providing a copy of our marriage license). We got in trouble with the IRS because my driver's license was one name (apparently they check these things), the SS name was different, and they kept extending the deadline to get the SS# changed so they could process our tax return, but then the government wouldn't get it done and eventually they threatened penalties. In exasperation, I yelled at an IRS agent who finally realized I had reached my breaking point and HE called the social security administration and THAT's when they finally got it changed. It took another six months of demands to finally get a new card. Sigh....during that time, the bank was still a nightmare because the forms of ID allowed didn't have matching names. You don't want to know what I went through to get the name on my passport changed. It was nearly as bad.

 

My college charged me $50.00 to have the name on my degree changed - $50.00 that was hard to scrape up because dh was traveling for work and they weren't fully reimbursing his expenses. I worked some where at the time where I needed to have my diploma displayed and the administration required, of course, that the name I was using at school and the name on the diploma match. It took six weeks...a six weeks during which I was dogged every day by the school administrator wondering before my new diploma came.

 

It was crazy which didn't contribute good vibes to my adjustment. My maiden name was the name I had also done A LOT of performing under, so I had quite a bit tied up to that identity.

 

I've gently advised dd to keep her last name and not go through this with her professional licenses/government documents. Who knows how long it would take the state of Michigan to actually change things and she won't be quitting her medic job during that time. However, whatever she decides, no pressure from me. I did not appreciate all of the pressure when dh and I got married.

 

So, how many of you bees changed your name for your drone :lol: and who didn't? Who hyphenated and did you do "maiden -married" or "married - maiden"? Who opted to make up a completely new last name so both of you changed? :D Last but not least, the obligatory other because I'm sure there is something out there that I just haven't thought about and you'll inform me.

 

Faith

You just had bad experiences. all of the above was taken care of within a few weeks of being married. Never had to do a follow up call or letter. I just walked into the college office, drivers license and ss office and I was in FL at the time and everything was taken care of. The man at the dmv advised me to keep my maiden name as well as my married name on my drivers license and that actually came in handy a few times throughout the years.

Edited August 14, 2012 by lynn

[Sumiller]

Being very traditional and a Christian, I took my dh's last name without hesitation. For me, it had to do with "the two shall become one" and the "the head of the wife is her husband" so it went without saying that I wanted to take his name. And honestly, even if I wasn't a Christian the traditional side of me would have wanted the same. :001_smile:

 

However, I do have a very untraditional sister who married and kept her maiden name and her children all have her maiden name for their last name. This was mainly for two reasons. My bil's last name is unusual and the subject of much ridicule when he was younger (the kind of name that mean kids love to make fun of) and my dad died the year before she got married so I think it is her way of keeping connected to him.

[Night Elf]

I was so excited to take my DH's name. I really didn't even entertain the idea of not doing so. I had no problem getting my name changed on anything, including my SS card. How strange! I have both my maiden name and married name on legal documents but I only go by my married name.

[LaxMom]

Not married but if I ever do I will keep my name, it's mind boggling to me to change your name due to a marriage,

 

Me, too. My name is one of the first and enduring parts of my identity. Why would I change it?

 

My children have my husband's last name. It's rare that people get confused, though I occasionally get people who know me through my kids who will say something to the effect that they know my name is different, but can't remember what it is. I totally get that; mine is long and French, theirs is shorter and English.

 

For the purpose of formal address, I am Mrs. His Full Name, but that is so uncommon these days... Well, I'd just be tickled if it popped up.

[Puma Mom]

I didn't even think about not taking dh's name when we got married 28 years ago. We were married before our senior year of college, so my married name is on my diploma. I think my dad wished that were not the case, but he understood. I had zero problem getting my SS card changed.

[Laura Corin]

I changed to my husband's name because my maiden name was difficult and ugly. I haven't had any bureaucratic problems - I'm sorry it was so tough for you.

 

Laura

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I took my husband's name, but ONLY because I liked it better than my maiden name. My first name and maiden name were both one syllable and I always thought they sounded boring together. Now I have a two syllable last name and I'm much happier with it. :D

 

I dated a guy with a 4 syllable German last name and always thought if we got married, I'd just keep my boring one syllable name! His name was a mouthful!

 

My best friend kept her maiden name, and I know several women who use their maiden name professionally and married name for family stuff.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My husband has married relatives who are both physicians. They married when the husband was a resident and the wife was still in medical school so she did take his name and graduated as Dr. HisLastName. They do currently practice at the same hospital and the nurses apparently often refer to them as Mrs Dr. HisLastName and Mr. Dr. HisLastName to differentiate. They are in different specialties so that helps some as well I presume.

 

We have friends like this. I always refer to them like that as well. Face to face, I call them by their first names, but for some reason when I'm talking about them to other people, I refer to them as Mrs.Dr. Lastname and Mr.Dr. Lastname.

[catz]

I hyphenated, but DH and the kids all have his last name. I honestly wish I would have just kept my maiden name. I was trying to avoid conflict with his older parents and my 2 grandmothers who were not alive when I got married. Both names are short and simple, but I still have to spell it all the time. It's further complicated by the fact that my son's first name is my maiden name. :tongue_smilie:

[MIch elle]

I did not change my name when I married 22 yrs ago. Only in social circles and when it involved my sons did I use my husband's name. My sons have my name as their middle name.

 

Now that my boys are teenagers and I'm working again, I use only my name and have dropped my "alias".

 

Some people at church thought I was going to get divorced because I "changed" my name at church.

[twinmami01]

It was important for me to keep my maiden name in some form. I didn't hyphenate, but since I don't have a middle name, I kept my maiden name as my middle name.

[Hwin]

I hyphenated. I often just go by my husband's last name to make things easier. Of course, it's not just my husband's last name any more, it's our whole family's last name. I am considering a legal name change. Maybe next year if we have some extra money.

 

I do and don't regret it - I love my simple, lovely maiden name but I want our family to share a last name and 11 years into marriage I really don't care whose name it is.

[Lolly]

I changed mine to dh's and have had no problems with it whatsoever. Filled out a form and it was done. I was moving to a different state and needed a new license because of that anyway. No banking problems or anything.

[AnnaM]

It never really occurred to me not to take my DH's last name. I was excited to take it! It was symbolic of our new journey together. I am a traditionalist so I suppose that had a lot to do with the way I felt (and still feel). I remember in the days leading up to my wedding how fun it was to practice my first name with my soon-to-be last name.

[Alice]

I took my husband’s name. My parents had hyphenated their names (way back in 1969) and I grew up with a hyphenated name. It was a bit of a pain then because it was so unusual. I sometimes liked being different and sometimes found it a pain. Filling out standardized test forms was always an issue because noone knew what to do with the hyphen. It was always alphabetized incorrectly. So hyphenating for me wasn’t really a possibility (do a double hyphen? keep only one parent’s name and hyphenate with my dh?). I used to joke that all I was looking for in a husband was a short last name. Dh’s last name has three letters so I like to tell him that he’s all I ever dreamed of.

 

I will say that I did really appreciate growing up that we all had the same last name. My Dad also hyphenated. Today it might not matter so much as it’s not uncommon for parents and kids to have different names and different combinations. But back then it was nice to at least all be the same even if people thought the hyphen was weird. It was also important to me that me, dh and the kids all have the same name. Changing it didn’t bother me at all. To me, it was just a name and sharing the same name with dh was more important as a symbol of our new life than holding on to MY name.

 

I also had no problems with the legal part of changing it. I remember it being anti-climactic in how easy it was. My medical school diploma has my maiden name and I did my residency training under my maiden name. I can’t actually remember but I believe my first medical license was under my married name as we got married right after residency. I’ve never had in problem with anything related to work and the different names.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Alice

[chiguirre]

I didn't change my last name and that worked out the best when we lived in Latin America. I tacked on the traditional de Hislastname on my business cards and the kids have Hislastname Mylastname on their Venezuelan documents. I only have one legal last name which is unusual but not unheard of so I never had issues with the registry offices for deeds or birth certificates.

 

I live in a very conservative area now, so I get the occasional stinkeye for not having the same last name as dh and kids, but I would never change my legal last name. In Venezuela, having the same last name as your kids implies that their father refused to put his name on the birth certificate. I don't enjoy the stinkeye, but I'd really rather not have the awkward silence as people try to figure out what the deal is with my kids' parentage that I'd get in Caracas if we had the same last name.

[freeindeed]

I took hubby's last name. I'm traditional with things like that.

[Dinsfamily]

I happily changed my name. I was in the military at the time so it was a bit of a pain but temporary. My sister kept our maiden name and no one threw a fit. I don't even think it was a blip on anyone's radar. She is disappointed that we are the end of our line (my dad was the only one from that union and had two daughters) so she wants to keep the name going a bit longer. I wonder if she'll change it as her girls go to school. My oldest two are already a little confused by her last name, but we don't make a big deal of it. It isn't important enough to me to have a discussion with such young children about their dear aunt changing her name.

 

Her daughters have a double last name but it gets shortened automatically to her husband's name. I'll be interested to see what happens as they have their first boy this year. My sis may insist he is given our maiden name...it would be a fight since Dbil is also the last of his line and this will be the only son.

[Starr]

I have my maiden name for my middle name and our dc middle names. Working in a private school in a big city I saw every configuration of last names and wanted our family to all have the same last name. Even though most of my peers kept their own last names I've never really figured it out. Why do women want to keep their own last names but give their children their husbands name?

[Dory]

I took my dh's last name although I have at times wished I'd hyphenated my last name. My best friend kept her name and her oldest (7) has been stressing because she's sure it means that mommy and daddy aren't married.

[MiniBlondes]

I did not take DH's name because he is my second husband and my children have my maiden name. So I kept the same last name as my kids.

[Julie Smith]

I have my maiden name for my middle name and our dc middle names. Working in a private school in a big city I saw every configuration of last names and wanted our family to all have the same last name. Even though most of my peers kept their own last names I've never really figured it out. Why do women want to keep their own last names but give their children their husbands name?

 

Because they don't want to hassle of changing names.

Because they are attached to that name - sometimes for practical reasons. (Have a reputation built up in the business world).

Because they don't like the historical aspect that means a name change it because you now belong to your husband.

 

As for giving the kids dh last name. My kids got his last name since it mattered to my FIL, and my parents. I don't understand why. Myself and DH didn't really care. Both my kids have the following names:

 

Eldest MyLastName HusbandsLastName

Youngest MyLastName HusbandsLastName

 

I hear that in Denmark the same two or three last names are so common it is causing problems. (Please note this is just something I heard - so if someone corrects me please believe them).

 

So the government is giving people incentive to parents if they give the kids different last names. So in one family every person might have a different last name.

[FaithManor]

Sigh...dd called from work. If she changes her last name, amount of documents she has to have changed are mindboggling. She has to have all of her certs, licenses, transcripts, etc. reprinted, plus the deed to her car, driver's license, social security number, and medical records you name it. Her EMS requires EVERYTHING match because of security clearance issues/ Department of Homeland Security.

 

Are you ready for the total cost? Over $500.00!!!!! The college wants $75.00 for the name change, each FEMA CERT reprinted with her new last name would be $25.00, the medic license I think was $50.00, .....

 

I can think of better things to do with $500.00.

 

Oh, and she went to the ortho-surgeon to have a check-up (she had all four wisdom teeth taken out last month, two had to be carved out from deep within her jaw...poor girl) and she mentioned the waffling about it to him - he's a close friend of ours. He told her not to do it. He said that if there is lapse time between the #SS being processed and the issuing of the new insurance card, medical claims can be rejected. The number gets red-flagged as a possible "stolen" insurance card. He said that the insurance company is then very loathe to pay the claims once the issue is resolved. GRRRRRR....

 

Thanks to everyone who has responded. The stories are helpful. DD will be reading all of the responses when she gets off work.

 

Faith

[FaithManor]

I hear that in Denmark the same two or three last names are so common it is causing problems. (Please note this is just something I heard - so if someone corrects me please believe them).

 

So the government is giving people incentive to parents if they give the kids different last names. So in one family every person might have a different last name.

 

Yes, Denmark is begging parents (bonus money) to come up with new last names for their kids. About 70% or so of the population have one of five surnames. It's impossible to keep the paperwork from becoming completely insane and especially when you consider that there are some popular first names that keep getting used over and over and over again with those recurring last names. How many million Christian Hansens or Jens Johannsens can the system take before even the computer gets really confused? :D

 

Therefore it is becoming much more acceptable for children to not share the same last name as their parents.

 

Faith

[Myra]

I kept my own last name, my husband kept his own last name, and we "combined" our last names and gave the children the combined name ( first 4 letters of each of our last names) for their last name so no hyphens, etc.

 

Myra