It's a fine line between "doormat" and patient, kind and understanding....

[Halcyon]

...and I have no idea where it should be drawn.

[newlifemom]

:grouphug:

 

 

If you ever figure it out, let me know will ya'?

[jujsky]

I have that problem too. I try to draw the line when other people's problems are taking up so much of my life and time that I start to neglect things. If you could be more specific, I might be able to offer better advice.

[Catwoman]

Yeah, but there's a really big, huge, wide line between doormat and "Enough about you; let's talk about me."

 

I think your problem is that you're going for the fine line thing, where ultimately, it's way easier to go whole hog and just be a selfish, uncaring jerk.

 

Not that I would know anything about it, of course.

 

Clearly, you are a patient, kind, and understanding doormat. :tongue_smilie:

 

.

.

.

.

.

I don't know what's going on, but I will say that if you think you might be behaving like a doormat, you probably are, and that you should try to find a way to be more assertive and not let others take advantage of your kind nature. :grouphug:

Edited August 14, 2012 by Catwoman

[Mommyfaithe]

The line lies where kind and understanding starts taking over your life and sucking out your energy.

 

I have become VERY good at drawing the line....even with my own kids. When the person refuses to help themself or do anything you advise....the kind and understanding line has been crossed....and it is time to move into "Suck it up buddy and do something different...or stop complaining to me."

 

I tend to get very blunt. I have a very low tolerance for BS.

Edited August 14, 2012 by Mommyfaithe

[Lang Syne Boardie]

:grouphug: Want us to come whup somebody for ya?

[PiCO]

A patient, kind, understanding person volunteers to help people out as it fits her schedule, so she can still take care of herself and her family.

 

A doormat is a person (usually a woman for some reason) who other people know will do whatever is asked, especially if a little guilt is thrown in, when asking for multiple favors.

 

 

Start saying no to everyone who asks you to do something for them, and seek out people who need help but don't ask (or hint.)

 

I don't mean turn down true friends or family members- just ask yourself if this relationship is a two-way street, or if you're doing all the favors.

[justLisa]

:grouphug: Want us to come whup somebody for ya?

:lol: I have a good arm.

 

For me, I just recently realized it is when you are bent over sobbing like you just lost an arm and had your puppy ran over.

 

I cannot and will not let anyone do that to me anymore.

I'm sorry for whatever you are dealing with. It stinks.

[kalanamak]

Once I start wondering, I know I've crossed that line. YMMV

[Denisemomof4]

I was a dormat for decades. I started to get stronger in my late 30's. I got even stronger in my 40's.

 

I'll help if the Hive is going to go whup some butt for you.:D

[Kirch]

Once I start wondering, I know I've crossed that line. YMMV

 

:iagree: I think it's when you start to *feel* like a doormat--like the person is taking advantage of you. :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

 

I'll help if the Hive is going to go whup some butt for you.:D

 

Count me in, too.

 

And afterward, we can all go out for cupcakes. And beer and chips, if WendyK comes along with us.

[WTMCassandra]

I agree with all of the others. The line might be fine, but IME, it is definite.

[Farrar]

A patient, kind, understanding person volunteers to help people out as it fits her schedule, so she can still take care of herself and her family.

 

A doormat is a person (usually a woman for some reason) who other people know will do whatever is asked, especially if a little guilt is thrown in, when asking for multiple favors.

 

 

:iagree: I don't really think it is that fine a line. I think when you feel like you were walked all over and you didn't like it, the line was obviously crossed. Anything before that is good, but once you feel that way, there's no fine line, feel free to stand up for yourself. Or call some of these fine bodyguards offering to help. :D

[Halcyon]

Thanks all. I have a (deserved? Undeserved?) reputation for being self-centered, so i doubt my own ability to judge this so-called line.

 

I know i feel "abused" (in quotes because dont mean REALLY abused!) and treated like i cant do anything right, but i keep trying, trying and "falling short".. I cant tell if the problem is me or the other person, since i dont have a good internal compass for these things. Are my feeling justified, or am i the one who truly is "falling short" ( according to the other person, i am at fault here). I have no idea. I just know i feel terrible.

[Catwoman]

Thanks all. I have a (deserved? Undeserved?) reputation for being self-centered, so i doubt my own ability to judge this so-called line.

 

I know i feel "abused" (in quotes because dont mean REALLY abused!) and treated like i cant do anything right, but i keep trying, trying and "falling short".. I cant tell if the problem is me or the other person, since i dont have a good internal compass for these things. Are my feeling justified, or am i the one who truly is "falling short" ( according to the other person, i am at fault here). I have no idea. I just know i feel terrible.

 

It doesn't matter.

 

All that matters is that you feel terrible, and it seems to be as a result of the way a particular person is treating you.

 

IMHO, that person is toxic for you, and you should try to steer clear of people who make you feel badly about yourself.

 

Who is that person to judge whether or not you're falling short? :glare: And why should it matter to you what that person thinks?

 

Personally, I would tell the person to give it a rest and lose the attitude, or I would have nothing further to do with him or her.

 

Sorry someone is making you feel badly! :grouphug:

[Farrar]

Thanks all. I have a (deserved? Undeserved?) reputation for being self-centered, so i doubt my own ability to judge this so-called line.

 

:grouphug: I have had this issue as well. Sometimes one has to re-evaluate, but I've come to think that a lot of people expect people to be doormats and don't expect people to be straightforward and say what they need.:glare:

[Katy]

The book Boundaries addresses this issue specifically, though it's from a Christian perspective.

[PiCO]

Thanks all. I have a (deserved? Undeserved?) reputation for being self-centered, so i doubt my own ability to judge this so-called line.

 

I know i feel "abused" (in quotes because dont mean REALLY abused!) and treated like i cant do anything right, but i keep trying, trying and "falling short".. I cant tell if the problem is me or the other person, since i dont have a good internal compass for these things. Are my feeling justified, or am i the one who truly is "falling short" ( according to the other person, i am at fault here). I have no idea. I just know i feel terrible.

 

I notice Rosie the Riveter is your (little picture thing by your name? The word is escaping me...)

 

Anyway, ask yourself- what would Rosie do if someone called her self-centered? What would Rosie do if she felt someone was treating her like a doormat? I have a feeling she would not wonder if she was really self-centered, she would do the job that needed to be done, and not worry about the person laying a guilt trip on her.

 

Also, that person telling you you're falling short? That's her way of getting you to lie down and be her doormat. Be Rosie!

[LaxMom]

The line lies where kind and understanding starts taking over your life and sucking out your energy.

 

I have become VERY good at drawing the line....even with my own kids. When the person refuses to help themself or do anything you advise....the kind and understanding line has been crossed....and it is time to move into "Suck it up buddy and do something different...or stop complaining to me."

 

I tend to get very blunt. I have a very low tolerance for BS.

:iagree:

Thanks all. I have a (deserved? Undeserved?) reputation for being self-centered, so i doubt my own ability to judge this so-called line.

 

I know i feel "abused" (in quotes because dont mean REALLY abused!) and treated like i cant do anything right, but i keep trying, trying and "falling short".. I cant tell if the problem is me or the other person, since i dont have a good internal compass for these things. Are my feeling justified, or am i the one who truly is "falling short" ( according to the other person, i am at fault here). I have no idea. I just know i feel terrible.

In the kindest, most understanding way: Then perhaps this person should find somebody better skilled in whatever area there is a need. Sometimes, no matter how great our desire to do so, we are not the proper person for a given role. It does neither of you any good to keep trying to fill such a role if you're not that person.

 

In a less kind and understanding way: Tell this person to find somebody else who is willing to put up with the bs.

[ondreeuh]

I struggle with that too. It is difficult for me to speak up without the situation getting worse.

 

My teen and I are watching Dance Moms (although we don't know anything about dance), and one of the moms is a model for how to handle conflict. She chooses her battles and stays exceptionally calm even when everyone else is freaking out. She is also not afraid to draw boundaries and tell someone to never speak that way to her. So from now on, I am going to ask myself, "What would Holly do?" LOL

[Free]

Thanks all. I have a (deserved? Undeserved?) reputation for being self-centered, so i doubt my own ability to judge this so-called line.

 

I know i feel "abused" (in quotes because dont mean REALLY abused!) and treated like i cant do anything right, but i keep trying, trying and "falling short".. I cant tell if the problem is me or the other person, since i dont have a good internal compass for these things. Are my feeling justified, or am i the one who truly is "falling short" ( according to the other person, i am at fault here). I have no idea. I just know i feel terrible.

 

I wanted to respond to this, because I have felt like this in my relationships before and I have come to realize that at the heart of the matter is the issue of acceptance...

 

• Acceptance for the fact that I was different, had different interests, strengths and weaknesses and had a different way of processing events and responding to them

• Acceptance for the fact that the other person too had a different way of processing and responding to situations - a way that I may not be comfortable with

• Acceptance that other people will not always show kindness, understanding or appreciation, that there was nothing I could do to change them.

 

 

Once I had reached a place of acceptance of both myself and the other person, it was easier for me to decide how I wanted to react to a difficult interaction - whether I wanted to make the effort to change myself or whether I wanted to ignore the criticism and just shrug it off. It became easier for me to be detached and not take all that was said personally. It also became easier for me to let go of my expectations of how others should behave with me, and surprisingly my relationships have actually improved as a result.

[Little Nyssa]

It's so hard to tell when it's generalities. If someone is saying, 'you are self-centered, you fall short,' that's not very illuminating... it's just an accusation that makes you feel bad... but if someone said to me, 'you were self-centered when you did X' then I would know where I was-- I could think about whether it was a selfish action or not. That specific thing. I could decide to change or I could decide it was OK. If the one thing was truly selfish then it still would not mean I was entirely horrible.

If you are wondering whether you are at fault, then you could not be truly self-centered, because a self-centered person never wonders that. :D

:grouphug:

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I wanted to respond to this, because I have felt like this in my relationships before and I have come to realize that at the heart of the matter is the issue of acceptance...

 

• Acceptance for the fact that I was different, had different interests, strengths and weaknesses and had a different way of processing events and responding to them

• Acceptance for the fact that the other person too had a different way of processing and responding to situations - a way that I may not be comfortable with

• Acceptance that other people will not always show kindness, understanding or appreciation, that there was nothing I could do to change them.

 

 

Once I had reached a place of acceptance of both myself and the other person, it was easier for me to decide how I wanted to react to a difficult interaction - whether I wanted to make the effort to change myself or whether I wanted to ignore the criticism and just shrug it off. It became easier for me to be detached and not take all that was said personally. It also became easier for me to let go of my expectations of how others should behave with me, and surprisingly my relationships have actually improved as a result.

 

I have found myself in the same position as the OP. This very sound advice and I've been working on this type of self-talk and response. However, I am finding it little hard to modulate between detaching oneself from the immediate situation and detaching oneself from the person. Any advice would be appreciated... I really don't want to feel that detached from this person.

[Zebra]

I have struggled with this for years. Boundaries was a really big revelation for me.

 

Many times when someone is accusing you of being self-centered, they are trying to guilt you into being a doormat. You should do something for someone because you want to, not because you feel guilty about it. Or at least, that is what I am starting to see ;)! Doing something and being resentful later isn't worth it. It's better to be the "bad guy" up front.

[Mrs Twain]

People who point out your faults (or supposed faults) and create guilt in order to make you do something for them are masters at manipulation. If you want to help them because it is in your heart to help them and think that is the right thing that you want to do, it is okay to help them. Otherwise, you need to refuse and distance yourself from the relationship.

 

Those are the only two ways I have found to deal with manipulative people. Reasoning with them doesn't do any good because they usually start to cry and then blame you for hurting their feelings (trying to make you feel more guilty).