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s/o MIL: How to be a good Daughter in Law??


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It was so interesting reading the thread on being a good MIL. I would like to hear from some of the moms who are on the other side- what are some ways to be a good DIL?

 

I don't have a good relationship with my MIL (and for good reasons). However, I'm able to see now some of the ways that I could have been a better DIL. My MIL is a VERY strong personality and opinionated and I took offense to everything she said/says... It's taken me a long time to learn to not care about her opinions. However, I wonder if I had been more secure with myself if it would have been better. Or what kind of things could I have done in those early years to develop more of a relationship with her?

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I think a great place to start is to recognize that your MIL is not your mother. She doesn't necessarily have the same upbringing, the same beliefs, the same cooking history. There are so many factors that play into making an individual. I know for me, going into my marriage, that I had these expectations that I expected my MIL to be just like my mom. That wasn't fair for her. I complained when she didn't do things like my family did, I didn't like how she interacted with my children, etc... it wasn't until the past few years that I actually listened to her, her family stories of growing up and learning WHY she is who she is today. She deserves respect. She deserves the credit for raising my wonderful husband. I now understand her better, have more respect for her and no longer place my expectations on her shoulders. I allow her to be herself and that is splendid!

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I have a fantastic relationship with my MIL. She deserves all the credit.

 

I do however, think I did some things that helped.

 

I respected her when she became silent regarding an issue. She walked carefully around some things...I needed to learn the cue and do the same.

 

I understood her desire to remain neutral and not be the "out" of my husband and my early days of marriage. I tried once to call her up for help during a fight. I only did that once :) She would not entertain my negative comments about my husband nor did she EVER add one negative thing to them. I completely admire that.

It took me a while to model it in my home after her, unfortunately.

 

She was always, always thinking of me, my husband, and my children first when she was with us. And she made me believe this was the case even when she wasn't.

 

She modeled servanthood, as does her son, my husband. Every. Single. Day.:001_smile:

 

Tough shoes to fill as mom but wonderful, amazing, Godly, gracious lessons she has taught. My role? Learn as much as I can from her while she is here. She's 85 and I thank God He gave me her. I do not, honestly, know where I would be as a wife or mother, or woman in that matter, without her.

 

One thing I should add now that I am about to have my own DIL. Let her help. Either one, MIL, DIL. Woman are created to help. Let them :) They'll feel useful and you'll bond over dirty dishes in ways you might not over a stuff dinner with the men around, lol.

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I don't know. Really. Everything I've tried was apparently wrong. It was never enough, never fast enough, not at the right time...

 

Here's a list of some things I've tried:

 

Mailing Mother's Day cards and birthday cards, 10-14 days before the event. (either the cards weren't good enough, or they showed up too soon, so she didn't have anything to look forward to on the actual day)

 

Answering every time she called. Her son got upset b/c then she'd refuse to talk to him.

 

Sent pics of kids every time I dl'd them from the camera. Not enough, not the right poses, not smiling enough, Wolf and I weren't in them, why can't there be pics w/out Diva...

 

I gave up.

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*this is a cut/paste from the first thread, but I think it's kinda the same*

 

 

I love my MIL but I did not always. In the beginning I assumed too much, but that probably comes with young age and immaturity. SHe's just the type to answer a question, give advice when you ask, and never pushy. SHe really just comes here to see her family and love on my kids. She was a SAHM and her mother died very young and she raised 5 brothers. She is a happy spirit.

 

FIL? Well a bit different. All pettiness aside, he's a wonderful man. Just a hard one to *live* with for 1-2 weeks, KWIM?

 

I think what makes families meld, is understanding that you all are different. Two families who once never knew each other, and lived entirely different. Even with similarities, no one was raised the exact same way. It can be hard to set aside petty differences, and realize underneath it all are loving people just growing a bigger family. There are onsie twosies in ours, that we've sort of kicked out of our closer circle because they have earned it. But it has been a long and humbling road, learning that my inlaws really do love me, they are just different. And that's ok.

 

ETA: I used to be a brat. Straight up. I was sheltered and horrified to learn in my early adulthood that not everyone was like us. That was a hard pill to swallow, but once I did, they all seemed a lot nicer LOL

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I am not a MIL yet, obviously, but I have a really good relationship with my MIL. Over the years she has thanked me for the following:

 

1-Keeping her in the loop of our wedding. DH is an only and I knew it was the only time she would get to be involved in the planning of a wedding, so I asked her opinion on several decisions that are not traditionally the MIL-to-be's. I also sent her fabric samples of the bridesmaids dresses, let her see pics of my dress, and made sure she knew when major decisions were made.

 

2-Keeping her in the loop after we were married. She knew more about what was going on in her son's life after we were married than before because, unlike her DH and my DH who only share info if it involves the weather or a police incident (DFIL works for the police dept. ), I would tell her what was Acctually going on in our lives.

 

3-Keeping her in the loop with her grandchildren. I always call a few times a month and talk to her about the cute and crazy things her grandkids are up to. I take the kids to visit for weeks on end so they can have time to really get to know thier grandparents. I also happily welcome them into my home 4-5 times a year so they can be a part of our lives here.

 

4-I care about her on a personal level. I call when I know things are going badly for her with her health or work just to check in. I make sure she knows that I appreciate the things she does for our family. I seek her advice when I am struggling. When her mom died I spent several days helping clean out the apartment, (the management needed the things out by the end of the month which only gave a few days), and tried to be there for her emotionally as best I could.

 

 

We have had a few misunderstandings over the years, but both of us are quick to apologize when we feel we have hurt the other. Now, after being in her son's life 15 years, I feel as though she is my second mother. Once she and I both found our places and made peace with the fact that we were not in compitition for DH's affections everything else worked itself out. She does things that make me crazy, but I know where she is coming from and where her heart is. I disagree with a lot of how she raised DH, but I know she was doing the best she could and I always thank her for the good things she did. She helped form the man I love into who he is, I owe her gratitude for that.

 

Honestly though, she is a great MIL, and that makes it easy to be a good DIL! :D

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Wow, I can't believe you haven't gotten any responses! I have never been a DIL (because my husband's mother died when he was in middle school), so I've never understood the MIL/DIL dynamic.

 

I'm going to bump this for you.

 

The "how to be better mil" thread has 58 replies.

 

My mil and mother died prior to our marriage. However, the time that I did get to spend with her was valued.

 

She was strong, independent career woman with a heart of gold. We enjoyed discussing her work, social and political issues, and current events.

 

We made sure to spend time with her when she was in town. As another poster mentioned, I did not speak ill about her son to her. Nor did I gossip about any members of the family. We were both glad to have each other.

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I don't know. Really. Everything I've tried was apparently wrong. It was never enough, never fast enough, not at the right time...

 

Here's a list of some things I've tried:

 

Mailing Mother's Day cards and birthday cards, 10-14 days before the event. (either the cards weren't good enough, or they showed up too soon, so she didn't have anything to look forward to on the actual day)

 

Answering every time she called. Her son got upset b/c then she'd refuse to talk to him.

 

Sent pics of kids every time I dl'd them from the camera. Not enough, not the right poses, not smiling enough, Wolf and I weren't in them, why can't there be pics w/out Diva...

 

I gave up.

 

And then there are these cases where it's better not to even try.

 

I think the biggest thing is for all people to be open to knew and different family, but also that it is not necessary, and if the recipient does not want it, there's the curb, and kick it to.

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Honestly, I really wanted to have a great relationship w/my MIL, and to be equally honest, not a clue what that might entail. So, I was really flying blind.

 

I don't doubt there's something I could've/should've done that would have put me in the 'good DIL' camp, but I really don't know what it would have been.

 

I'm reading the thread, making a mental checklist. If nothing else, I hope I can pass what I learn on to my kids.

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I like to think that I am a good DIL. Assuming your MIL is a healthy enough person to have contact with:

 

-don't complain about her. Instead of thinking about all she did that was what you wouldn't do, think about all she has done that you want to emulate or that shaped your husband (who you presumably think is awesome sauce) into the man you wanted to marry.

 

-don't expect her to be perfect anymore than it would be fair for her to expect you to be perfect.

 

-stand your ground on important stuff but don't be mean about it. My mil is a pretty reckless driver. I don't feel comfortable with her driving the kids but I don't make drama out of it...I just arrange for all visits to involve separate cars or car free.

 

-remember her bday and holidays the same way you expect her to remember your kids. Don't use the "well, it's HIS mother" excuse. My husband will never get those cards and gifts in the mail. Never. I take care of it. Because I love my husband and I love my MIL so I am not going to be buying my parents card and gifts without thinking of her.

 

- eat her food when at her house without fussing over anyhing but actual allergies. If you are a vegetarian, eat what you can and pack a snack if need be. Let her know of food things like vegetarianism but don't be pushy about it. Keep it matter of fact. Don't refuse to let your kids eat because it is not healthy or up to your standards. It's one meal. Some hamburger helper won't kill you or them.

 

-don't play favorites anymore than you would want her too. If you only ever visit or celebrate holidays with YOUR parents, that is going to hurt.

 

-don't bend to her wishes and advice on everything but take some time to seek her advice or stories about some things. Even just to be nice and show an interest in her. My paternal grandmother told me that it was a good idea to ask your MIL for recipes and I think she was right. My MIL was flattered I was seeking her out for help. Now that doesn't mean I used many of them (I am not a can o' mushroom soup kinda cook) but just being asked, and incorporating some of her stuff into shared meals now and again has been nice. I could make fun of her soup based recipes or realize that she has a killer recipe for dinner rolls. I grew up in a biscuit family. But does it hurt me to skip the biscuits one Christmas and make her rolls? No.

 

-keep her updated on your kids with letters/pictures/calls.

 

-make sure your kids and you send thank yous for gifts and things like that.

 

-expect to come first but don't keep your husband away from his mom and siblings.

 

-accept the eccentricities of her new husband with grace. Don't make a big fuss even if the dude is a mite irritating.

 

-don't let vastly different political and religious views bother you. So long as she isn't filling your kids' heads with partisa untruths or hate, just stay civil. It is ok to love someone who never votes the same as you are has religious views you disagree with.

 

My MIL and I got off to a rocky start pre-marriage and it didn't help any that my husband and I eloped without telling anyone. But we got over it and have a great relationship now. Thanks in no small part to my grandmother's advice.

Edited by kijipt
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I wrote something earlier and then erased it because I am the DIL and the relationship with my MIL is pretty rocky at best. But I was just sitting here thinking that I have had a truly blessed and wonderful friendship with one of my dh's aunts and how that relationship evolved.

 

I started spending weekends with her and her family when I moved out of state for my job. My dh ended up not getting a job in the same place for 9 months. She took me in as part of the family immediately. At meal time I jumped in and helped out however I could. She would start projects while I was there and we would work on them together. We had many late night talks about love, religion, families, relationships. I saw her with her dh and her 3 children and all of her 8 grandchildren. I respected her from the get go. She does have difficult relationships with 3 of her DILs, but the 3rd one is like a dd to her. She made me a better person and I hoped that I made her a better person. I see her as someone who is wise and who will listen.

 

I do so miss not living close enough to her now to see her most weekends.

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I am not a MIL yet, obviously, but I have a really good relationship with my MIL. Over the years she has thanked me for the following:

 

1-Keeping her in the loop of our wedding. DH is an only and I knew it was the only time she would get to be involved in the planning of a wedding, so I asked her opinion on several decisions that are not traditionally the MIL-to-be's. I also sent her fabric samples of the bridesmaids dresses, let her see pics of my dress, and made sure she knew when major decisions were made.

 

2-Keeping her in the loop after we were married. She knew more about what was going on in her son's life after we were married than before because, unlike her DH and my DH who only share info if it involves the weather or a police incident (DFIL works for the police dept. ), I would tell her what was Acctually going on in our lives.

 

3-Keeping her in the loop with her grandchildren. I always call a few times a month and talk to her about the cute and crazy things her grandkids are up to. I take the kids to visit for weeks on end so they can have time to really get to know thier grandparents. I also happily welcome them into my home 4-5 times a year so they can be a part of our lives here.

 

4-I care about her on a personal level. I call when I know things are going badly for her with her health or work just to check in. I make sure she knows that I appreciate the things she does for our family. I seek her advice when I am struggling. When her mom died I spent several days helping clean out the apartment, (the management needed the things out by the end of the month which only gave a few days), and tried to be there for her emotionally as best I could.

 

 

We have had a few misunderstandings over the years, but both of us are quick to apologize when we feel we have hurt the other. Now, after being in her son's life 15 years, I feel as though she is my second mother. Once she and I both found our places and made peace with the fact that we were not in compitition for DH's affections everything else worked itself out. She does things that make me crazy, but I know where she is coming from and where her heart is. I disagree with a lot of how she raised DH, but I know she was doing the best she could and I always thank her for the good things she did. She helped form the man I love into who he is, I owe her gratitude for that.

 

Honestly though, she is a great MIL, and that makes it easy to be a good DIL! :D

 

Just wanted to say I love your post. I have an only son, and I have wondered what life will be like when he's grown... I hope my future DIL will make sure to include me, just as you have done with your MIL!! :grouphug:

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I don't know. To be a good DIL to the MIL I'm stuck with, I should have started out by being Jewish, into fashion and a snob (she is a self-admitted snob and proud of the fact). I should have been a powerful business woman with high career aspirations, which I would always put ahead of my family. I should live in a big city and travel extensively. I guess I don't give her enough bragging material.

 

Really, aside from being the above person, whom I'm obviously not, I don't know what I could have done. I guess I could have a thicker skin? I could have gone into my relationship with her with low expectations? Admittedly, I went into it expecting we would be close and she would love me because I had warm, wonderful relationships with all my other boyfriends' moms. Oh, one thing I could have done was set boundaries with her early in our relationship. I let a lot of stuff build up because I didn't want to be rude to her, and by the time I couldn't take it anymore I flipped out on her.

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I wouldn't say that my my relationship with my MIL is rocky, but it has it's strained moments. I feel that lately it's been getting a little better due to some changes I'm making. One is actually lowering my expectations. My DH specifically told me to do this. She's not my mom, we're probably never going to be best friends, but she loves her grandchildren madly and I love her for that and need to let her know that I appreciate all that she does.

Also, I am working on being less defensive. I don't think she's ever really said anything to me in a malicious way and is always trying to help me, and even if her comments seem crazy to me I need to remember that they come from a good place. Even when she tells me how it would be easier to wash my dirty pots and pans if I soaked them (in the rare situation I wouldn't immediately wash them of course:) instead of just letting them sit all night, I really thing she's trying to help and truly believes I never thought of that :)

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Considering I was told "you don't understand, he told me he would live with me forever," I'm guessing my MIL's idea of being a good DIL would be to not exist.

 

Yes. :iagree: My MIL and I got off to a rocky start (think trying to convince dh to call off the wedding 2 weeks before it took place). I was never good enough. Then I got pregnant a month after we got married. :001_huh: Well, my MIL wagged her finger in my face and said, "How DARE you do this to me! You PROMISED me you would wait to have children until my son finished his PhD! How DARE you do this!". Yup. Our relationship was doomed from then on. :glare: Through the years, I have tried to be nice (play nice). It always backfires. So, now, I take her for who she is. I love her b/c she gave birth to my dh. I pray for her b/c it's the right thing to do. But I limit contact and communication. We see her once a year around Christmas. It's her yearly, "check on the kids, chat with dear son" visit. We meet at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant halfway between here and her house. She stays for an hour and a half. It's all I can stomach. It wears me out. I've told dh next year I don't want to go. He doesn't mind. So...I guess I didn't answer your questions. I'm apparently not a good DIL and never was. But I'm over it now, honestly. I just don't care. And dh is finally coming around to the fact that his mother is "flawed", lol. :D

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