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He provides the income so I can homeschool :D

 

He does read the Bible with us all every night. He is also the "principal". (In other words, he helps with discipline when needed...)

 

:iagree:

 

He works hard long hours to provide for us.

He handles finances.

He does any car and house repair/maintenance and yard work.

He is my support/venting place/shoulder to cry on.

He plays board games with kids (which I don't like).

He does projects with kids that involve use of logic, troubleshooting, repair or building.

 

I do all the teaching, shopping, housekeeping, cooking, driving around for activities and socializing.

 

I still think that I'm getting a good deal. :D

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I think this is good, but one thing is missing - the final question. Is this a reasonable expectation?

If the OP is feeling resentment it seems like it would be a good time to work some things out with her dh. regardless of whether the expectations are reasonable or not. Is she feeling taken advantadge of? I would assume so, given some of her statements. This is a different question than IS she being taken advantadge of.

 

It boils down to the person and the marriage. My dh has a full client load, travels for work (2hrs, 3 days a week) and teaches on -line classes.

He does all of the finances, takes care of the cares, do house re-build projects (ex: here and here) teaches our kids science, theology, current events and apologetics and jogs with our ds's 4-5 times a week. He also teaches a Beit Midrash Bible study that our kids go to. He talks and prays over each of our children every single night.

 

He never cooks, does no shopping, and if he is on the computer he is working or checking out a few web-sites related to areas of interest. He does play games with the kids occaisonally. I order all of the curriculum, do the bulk of homeschooling, the bulk of the family management, day to day tasks, etc. He never plays solitary games on electronic devices. He would personally feel like that was the epitome of wasted time. I would tend to agree with him and have an issue with that. The terms of endearment that we have come to is that we both use our time wisely and steward the resources (of which time is one) well. There is leisure time built in but we agree that watching T.V. and computer games is not wise steardship for US.

 

Last week my dh threw demand after demand at me. He was swamped at work and his schedule was skewed becasue we left town for the week-end. He needed help and he got it. Even though I KNEW he was busy and maxed, I was feeling really taken advantadge of and not appreciated. He appreciated my help but he was not specific about it. Is it reasonable to help him? Yes. Is it reasonable to expect appreciation? Yes.

 

The idea of a contract between us doesn't really work - our contract would be under renegotiation constantly. The reality of our lives is that when evening rolls around we are both exhausted but there is still more work left to do than we have time for. We also want some time both individually and together to wind down.

.

 

I'm not talking a "formal contract" and "formal negotiation." I'm talking the terms of endearment. Every relationship has them whether they are "formal" or not. The OP mentioned feeling resentful- which is usually a good time to re-evaluate expectations and what the terms are.

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I agree with LL. It really doesn't matter what our dh's do. Regardless of that, if you feel you need help, you need to do some negotiating.

 

For over a decade of being mom, homeschool mom, SAHM, etc. i did everything, and we got a farm going 9 years ago. We adopted a child with severe behavioral issues. Dd12 had quirky, unexplained, strange medical symptoms. A good friend and both my parents needed end of life care. My dh had to help out more and he did. He still does. BUT, he only travels to work two days per week. He is ABLE to help out more.

 

But, OP, this is all meaningless to you.

 

 

All of your kids are also old enou to help you. Even with school! They can help with corrections of a younger sibling, they can help when a younger sibling is stuck, they can cook meals. Do you delegate out enough to your kids?

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If the OP is feeling resentment it seems like it would be a good time to work some things out with her dh. regardless of whether the expectations are reasonable or not. Is she feeling taken advantadge of? I would assume so, given some of her statements. This is a different question than IS she being taken advantadge of.

 

Maybe. Or maybe it's time to recognize one's feelings lie sometimes. :D

 

Therein lies the problem... Too many people believe that how one is feeling equals one's reality. It's not true. (Not saying this is the OP's issue, but it definitely requires examination.)

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It sounds to me like the bigger issue is that he doesn't help with PARENTING and not that he doesn't help much with homeschooling. It seems that most of his time at home is leisure time centered on his wants. That is what would bother me most.

 

My husband helps a bit with homeschooling and he works and studies (to increase his professional skills). But he is ON as a full parenting partner. Household stuff, bath and bedtime, leisure that is centered on the kids etc. We do it together. Yes I do more because I am home way more but I don't feel at all alone or burdened on this front. I would lose my mind if he came home and plugged into a computer or TV the bulk of the time. It is not fair to you or the kids, nor is it good for him in the long run.

Edited by kijipt
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Maybe. Or maybe it's time to recognize one's feelings lie sometimes. :D

 

Therein lies the problem... Too many people believe that how one is feeling equals one's reality. It's not true. (Not saying this is the OP's issue, but it definitely requires examination.)

 

I agree that feelings can lie. I also believe that feelings can keep people honest. I actually addressed that when I wrote,

"Is she feeling taken advantadge of? I would assume so, given some of her statements. This is a different question than IS she being taken advantadge of."

 

 

That being said, resentment unattended to in relationships is damaging.

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had no idea this post was going to get some many responses.

 

Anyways tonight husband did do the little worksheets with his daughter and I think she was in heaven to be able to spend some time with her dad and I was able to spend some quality time with my 3yrs old finally. My youngest has been craving from 1 to 1 time with me forever but I have been so busy with my special needs stepdaughter that I just havent been able to do so.

 

Please understand we are a blended family. I am parenting and homeschooling his daughters from a previous marriage. His ex wife has been plenty difficult in our life and in the lives of the girls.

It has been a challenge.

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