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I would like to know how the dads in the home are involved in this homeschooling endeavor?

 

How does he support you?

Does he teach any subjects?

How does he help?

 

I am frankly on burn out right now.

 

I have given husband little projects like xerox copied activities from Story of the World to do and it is not looked at or done or started but not finished.

 

I have given him simple pages to work on with the kids. Not done. Still sitting in the kitchen counter not touched.

 

Husband does work, cooks dinner(he doesn;t like my cooking) and shops (he doesnt like my shopping-thinks it is too expensive)though but when he is home he is on the computer playing video games (Settlers of Catan) or watching the news or playing on the PS3 and watch movies with the kids. Oh he does pay rent and car insurance but I pay the utilities out of a separate account. He does make sure the vehicles are in working order. He fixes the computer problems. He does help clean in the kitchen sometimes.

 

But in terms of making sure the kids are bathed, taking their meds/vitamins, dressed appropriately, homeschooling them, outside social life, outside family activities, medical stuff, dealing with the visitations with their mom, go to bed on time, discussing their feelings, telling them to get off the tv and computers, making sure they get some outside time everyday, change their underwear, comb your hair, wipe themselves--it is all on me. I do all the discipline and correction and reminders and reading out loud. Three of the kids are not even my biological kids. I am raising his kids full time as my own.

 

I just want to know if I might be expecting too much from my husband? He says what do you expect from me? He goes to work and he feels that should be enough. He doesn;t like it when I choose to stay home and ask him to take the kids out of my hair for awhile. He makes me feel like I am not involved with the family but I am with them all day long.

 

Then I loose my cool and he gets upset and goes and hugs the kids and cuddles with them. I am tired of being the bad guy all the time but maybe my expectations are too high.

 

So tell me...am I expecting too much? Complaining too much?

Edited by happycc
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My dh works, brings down the hammer when necessary, helps with everything in the vein of chores (except cooking, nobody wants that), meds, bathing, negotiating, etc. He does not do anything related directly to homeschooling, except when a large guilt trip is needed for somebody.

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My dh works full time and is doing a part time PhD. So he does less than he used to (he used to do all the cooking):

 

He earns the $$$

He makes bread 2x/week, and cooks 1 dinner/week

During his lunch break, he does all the errands in the city (he can walk to all the stores)

He photocopies or prints anything I need

He does all the history read alouds at night for 45 minutes 5 nights/week

He drives the boys to violin lessons on the weekend (2 different times)

He practices violin with the younger boy 4 nights/week

As for chores, he is in charge of all things financial, all computer problems, mowing the lawn, and fixing anything that breaks

He also listens to me talk about homeschooling!

 

Wow, writing it all down makes me feel very lucky!

 

Ruth in NZ

Edited by lewelma
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My dh is very supportive and will execute tasks that I ask him to execute whenever he is home and available. He knows that hs'ing is a huge endeavor, and he knows that his help is important in allowing us to achieve our goals.

 

Typically, he'll spend a few hours a week helping out with read-alouds and/or giving or grading simple tasks such as spelling tests, etc. He'll also help with simple shopping tasks (distilled water, etc.) He has agreed to be in charge of my youngest's Sonlight parent-read materials this year -- scheduling 2 hours on Mondays (he's home all day) and 1 hour on Thursdays (he's home until noon) to get it all done for the week.

 

Sometimes I've given him entire novels/books to read to the kids at bedtime when we've gotten behind in read alouds, which has been very helpful in a pinch. But, I try not to do that regularly because he and the kids really cherish their nightly read aloud times and I don't want to mess that up by taking away his (and their) freedom to read whatever they enjoy. If he didn't already CHOSE to read pleasure books to them a lot, I'd think asking him to do a planned read-aloud as a nightly dad-reading time would be a lovely thing to do on many levels.

 

I've found it very helpful to simply give him straight-forward ways to be helpful -- such as "read this stuff aloud" or "help dd9 with this chapter of math today; here is the chapter & here is the answer book." Asking him to manage an entire course or similar complex tasks would simply be overwhelming to him given his work schedule.

 

He's also VERY helpful with getting dinner made if I poop out and/or plan poorly. Some days he'll get home at 9 PM to no food in sight. Other days, I'll call him when he's about to get out of work and ask him to bring home pizza. (Yes, I can be that bad!) He never complains, but just whips something up or cheerfully picks up pizza. I endeavor to do dinners most days since he often gets home too late to get dinner for the kids before their goal bedtime of 9 PM, but when I fall apart and don't make it happen, he does it. That is a HUGE help to me. If he complained about the house being a mess or no food in sight, I'd drop dead of frustration.

 

I think hs'ing CAN be done solo, but having a helpful spouse allows us to do more and be happier.

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Homeschooling is my arena. Although, he did agree to take on science this year...we'll see how it goes because he works some crazy hours sometimes. Oh, and finances are me.

 

All of the rest we share. Kids, cooking, straightening up, vehicles, etc. Sometimes I have to ask to get things done with the kids, like getting them in the shower (he just doesn't pay attention to when they last had one, or whatever), but the rest he just does. It wasn't always that way, but after I hit full on burnout, coupled with depression and was barely capable of taking care of myself on a daily basis for a while (prior to homeschooling) he had a lightbulb moment.

 

He has always been supportive and would help when I asked until he had a particularly horrible job assignment where he was basically working 18-20 hours/day, 6 days a week for two and a half years straight and wasn't even available to ask.

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My dh works full time outside of the home. He doesn't participate in the schooling or anything with the running of the house. That's my responsibility. He takes ds out for walks, takes him swimming, and will read an occasional book to him. He will shower him and brush his teeth and get him ready for bed. I do the rest. :)

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DH is generally very good, and very supportive of homeschooling, but he does very little around the house, and never, ever cooks. He does do all the outside work.

 

He tends to get quite involved in supervising the boys' music practice, but while very important it isn't a big time commitment.

 

DH also takes the boys to a lot of their activities at the weekend, and will drop them off at things and pick them again during the week when he can, although he often has to attend dinners and functions for work in the evening.

 

I don't expect DH to get involved in homeschooling, he has a very demanding job and doesn't waste time when he's at home. He does do things with the boys, but they tend to be 'extras' that are nice to do when he can, but not essential. He and DS13 do electronics over the weekend, and he's working on making a Tardis with DS7. He as on occasion done science practicals with them (usually after I've tried and failed with a particular practical :tongue_smilie:).

 

I'm very happy with his contribution to our family life, he's a good father. I do get worn out at times, but that's not his fault, he does what he can to help. Ultimately I feel that how I spend my time, how I organise my life, even the fact that we are homeschooling, are my choices and under my control.

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My dh works, brings down the hammer when necessary, helps with everything in the vein of chores (except cooking, nobody wants that), meds, bathing, negotiating, etc. He does not do anything related directly to homeschooling, except when a large guilt trip is needed for somebody.

 

Pretty much this.

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My DH is out the door at 6 am and home at 7:40 pm on weekdays -- this includes a 3 1/2 - 4 hour commute to DC. He is extremely supportive of our homeschooling the boys, but he does not help with it. He likes to hear what they did in school when he gets home from work.

 

He has worked hard his whole life, brings home the $$$, helps cleans up the kitchen after dinner, does all the outside work, keeps things maintained in the home, will help me clean floors on the weekend. He goes to the boys' sports events and plays with the boys on the weekends. He helps discipline when he is home. He researches the big finiancial decisions and we figure out together our final decisions. When I am going nuts, he does something with the boys to give me a break.

 

I do everything else -- shopping (clothes, food, curriculm), most cooking, pay bills, Dr. visits, car repairs (he helps drop them off and pick them up), do taxes, take care of most of the boys needs and get them ready for bed every night. Making me tired seeing it in writing :tongue_smilie:!

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He provides the income so I can homeschool :D

 

He does read the Bible with us all every night. He is also the "principal". (In other words, he helps with discipline when needed...)

 

He will also cook and help out around the house *when I ask* Asking is the important part. He is happy to help, but can't read my mind ;) (despite my wish for him to do so)

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DH has a full time job. Homeschooling is my full time job.

 

I consider dh very supportive. He will back me whatever I am trying to do. However, the only actual school stuff he has done have been robotics and computer programming classes with ds (dh is a programmer).

 

He also:

Takes care of outside maintenance.

Cleans up after dinner each night along with the kids - I never have to!

Picks up kids after evening activities occasionally.

Does anything I directly ask and tell him is important.

 

I love this arrangement. I think your dh is doing a lot if he is working full time and doing the cooking. I would not expect him to do anything for school.

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We are not officially there yet, but my dh was more into homeschooling any kids we had years ago. It wasn't until I worked with a few homeschoolers that I really realized what it meant and the advantages that it would give any of our kids. That being said, dh does contract work so he'll work for some amount of time 50-70 hours a week and then when that job ends he is home until he finds another job. He has been off for up to 1 1/2 years. When working he still tries to spend lots of time with dd. This summer I spent about an hour a day in the pool with her teaching her how to swim, he would then come home and we would spend another hour with her in the pool. He reads to her, he counts with her, he spends time teaching things to her. He doesn't do much in the way of cooking, cleaning, and running errands while he is working.

 

He loves spending time with her and has always told me if I dd and I butt heads to badly that he'll send me back to work and he will homeschool her.:glare: There are times that it is funny and there are times that it is aggravating, but he is serious.

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As I was reading the responses I thought "it really doesn't matter what anyone else's husband does; you are dealing with your own husband."

 

Did you and your husband ever talk about your expectations for your roles in homeschooling and the household in general? Or did you just give him some homeschool-related tasks to do without discussing it first?

 

I'm guessing that in most homes where the husband works full-time, the mom is the primary homeschooler. We have a bit of different situation in our home; my husband is currently unemployed, looking for a job. Still, I do the homeschooling except for a few things - he took over math for our son, at my request.

 

Maybe your husband feels incompetent to do the projects. (I remember some of the SOTW projects and I felt incompetent sometimes! ;) ) Maybe he just doesn't want to do any homeschooling and is being a bit passive-aggressive about it.

 

I would suggest you sit down with your husband sometimes when you are not losing your cool, and describe your feeling of burnout to him. See if you can come up with a "division of labor" that you can both work with.

 

Some people also need more down time than others. I can keep going and going with work; my husband (and I see this in my son too) get overwhelmed and just need to stop and do something mindless sometimes. I can tell my husband is stressed when he looks for one of the kids to play Halo with him. ;)

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Yup. My husband and I are basically interchangeable, except for birthing and nursing. ;)

 

It's been sort of difficult to figure out both of us teaching, since it's not always clear what discussion took place the day before, so this year he's taking the STEM subjects and I'm taking the liberal arts.

 

Today, he left for work with algebra and TWTM in his bag, so he can do some lesson planning and obsess over science curriculum this evening (provided they don't run calls). Tomorrow morning, he will stop at Trader Joe's on his way home.

 

Cooking, cleaning, kid maintenance, house stuff all go to who is best able to do it at the time. We each have our preferred areas, but will - and often do - step out of those and into the less-preferred as needed.

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As I was reading the responses I thought "it really doesn't matter what anyone else's husband does; you are dealing with your own husband."

 

Exactly. But since you asked,

 

Yup. My husband and I are basically interchangeable

 

the above describes us. That was true when we worked together, and now that he's building his own business along with us homeschooling, it's even more true. ;) There are certain jobs that it's better to send me out to do, so he's starting to do that. It' funny to me to become billable again after 7 years on the bench, but it makes sense. He's always been a substitute teacher, esp. when he would suddenly have time on his schedule. He'd step in and take over so I could do something else. But that's just us. There's plenty of areas in our lives where we don't particularly have an easy and seamless time of it. It's just that in any area relative to work, we are like interchangeable parts. And, homeschool is definitely part of our "work." (I know some folks have a philosophical problem with calling it work, but it takes vision, organization, effort and time, so it's at least on par with work.)

 

My 2 cents is to not try to be like others, but find your own path that works for your two personalities...for your reality. :)

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Dh provides the income so I can stay home, including providing full financial support for my oldest, paying for her college, getting her a car, supplying her needs.

 

He recently started a new job in addition to starting up his own company so he works long hours including 1/2 days Saturday a lot. He used to cook dinner every night, now he only does on weekends. He does 99% of the outside chores, takes the kids swimming, plays games with them, puts them to bed. He doesn't have any involvement with homeschooling other than paying for all the stuff I "need" to buy. :D That and the lack of complaining when the house is a mess are his biggest contributions, IMO.

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I'm gonna tell you how it is in *my* home.

 

My dh works. He also takes care of vehicle repair/maintenance; pretty much anything other than putting gas in. He leads bible study daily, and spends special time with each of the children (taking them out for coffee, spending time with a fun hobby, playing, etc.). He disciplines the children if necessary. He will give the older children rides to friends houses. Stuff like that.

 

He does no housework. He does no 'formal' homeschooling. No chores, no household errands. No cooking, no laundry, no child bathing, no 'brush your teeth'. That's all my job.

 

He also works like 55 hours a week. Yanno, to pay for all of it. :tongue_smilie: I do not work outside the home.

 

Keep in mind here, we rent. So there are no repairs or lawn maintenance. If there was, he would help with those.

 

This is what works for US. This is how we want to run our family in this season of our lives. If what you and your dh have going is not working for both of you, I suggest you set a time to discuss it. Preferably when no one is annoyed. :D

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While dh does work full time, he helps out with the school. He had taken over the math responsibility back when homeschooling my boys and he remains the math teacher. He also is responsible for dd9's schooling. She does it sll online, all but math, but has has to make sure she is doing things right. She has been known to put all 1's for every answer in math, for example, so he checks all her work.

 

He helps out with activities.

 

He is a FABULOUS cook and did more cooking before I became mostly vegan but he is starting to cook vegan meals.

 

I hate mornings so he blesses me by doing morning barn chores. If I could get my sleep issues resolved, I would take those back.

 

There was a time when I did everything 100% but I am glad that is over. ;)

 

ETA: it is easier for him to be involved as he works from home two days per week.

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My dh provides the income. Theoretically he does the outside the house care. Only it is rarely done if I don't do it, only now ds has taken over those jobs.:D (Well, most of the time.) He fixes the toilets when they are broken. Unless I want them done quickly, then I call a handyman. He does cook dinner a good bit. He likes to cook. He will clean the kitchen a few times a year, maybe. (Usually half-way done.) He will take an item or two of his clothes and wash them if he wants something particular for the next day. He takes his own car in for maintenance visits and repairs.

 

Him do school related stuff?:lol::lol::lol: He does try to back me up on discipline if I complain about something. That usually doesn't go well, so I try very hard not to complain! Honestly, I think it would drive me batty if he were to take over anything school related. It works best for him to do the income generating and me to do the home. My helpers on the homefront are my dc. To be quite honest, in terms of cleaning and such, the dc have always pitched in from the time they were very small. Of course, they made more mess than help at first...But now, I can turn it over to them completely. (Only they complain about how messy dh is. They don't like picking up after him!)

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Your dh does more than mine. But, I do get easily frustrated with mine, so I understand your feelings. It's a lack of understanding that your work is also important and exhausting. When do you get the chance to sit around playing video games or watching TV (or whatever you like to do)? If it's not equal, then you feel resentful. :grouphug:

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My dh shows interest and supports me, but has had a mostly hands-off approach over the 10 years we've homeschooled. This year, our Geometry tutor had to quit halfway through, so he has picked up math for the older two to finish out the course. I'll take them back for Algebra II and SAT Math review. Back when we first started and were only homeschooling one (with two toddlers around) he did try to do the boxed curriculum we had with our oldest (he was unemployed, I was working full-time, but he just couldn't keep up with the multitasking, so I often ended up doing school after work. He was little and way ahead, so it really didn't matter that much if school got done or not anyway.

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How does he support you?

Does he teach any subjects?

How does he help?

 

So tell me...am I expecting too much? Complaining too much?

 

It sounds like it's time to re-negotiate the contract you have with your dh. In other words, you are disatisfied with the demands placed on you vs. the demands placed on him. It sounds like he is o.k. with the contract you currently have in place so has little motivation to listen to your needs/desires for change.

You need to list what you are willing to do. What you want him to do. Details you want changed. What you are not willing to do and have a sit-down with the man.

 

It doesn't matter what my dh does- we've been together almost 3 decades. Believe me, we've done a fair amount of negotiating, and our circumstances, expectations, demands, kids, $ are totally different than yours.

Work your marriage. What are your expectations? What are your needs? What are your frustrations? What is your line in the sand? What are your needs? Wants?

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We both work full time+ so ours is a little different but I might be able to offer a little advice. I am the primary educator for our son but we do at least share the actual responsibilities. Honestly, I don't want him messing around in my plans! ;) We try to read a common book occasionally, I will get several copies and we read it simultaneously and discuss during dinner. DH and our son are currently reading Naked Economics together, this was all their doing. DH is constantly reading books on economics and ds found this one at the library and announced he and dh would be reading it together. I love homeschooling...

As for everything else, no one gets to sit around and play video games while someone in the house is still up and working. Maybe a blanket, "Let's start putting all electronics off until such and such day or time of day so the kids don't start any crazy habits" to get him to put down the controls? It is just nice if everyone knows they are in this together. My dh cleans the litterbox and takes all the garbage out every morning. He cleans the juicer after we juice and will clean the kitchen a couple of nights a week. I am in charge of all plumbing, repairs, and upkeep. I generally don't work in our office as many hours as he does. No one sits around while anyone else is working is a good policy.

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It sounds like it's time to re-negotiate the contract you have with your dh. In other words, you are disatisfied with the demands placed on you vs. the demands placed on him. It sounds like he is o.k. with the contract you currently have in place so has little motivation to listen to your needs/desires for change.

You need to list what you are willing to do. What you want him to do. Details you want changed. What you are not willing to do and have a sit-down with the man.

 

It doesn't matter what my dh does- we've been together almost 3 decades. Believe me, we've done a fair amount of negotiating, and our circumstances, expectations, demands, kids, $ are totally different than yours.

Work your marriage. What are your expectations? What are your needs? What are your frustrations? What is your line in the sand? What are your needs? Wants?

 

This is excellent advice.

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Hubby works full-time. He goes to school full-time. He will be volunteering soon as well. He mows the lawn, weeds, takes care of the outside stuff when he can. He cooks sometimes (and is amazing at it). He cleans most Saturdays. He plays video games & watches movies. He wrestles with the kids. He does not homeschool. He will occasionally do a fun science project with them, like a volcano or burning a nut to see its energy, but all the formal homeschooling is my responsibility.

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Dh works to pay for everything we need and that is pretty much his entire contribution. When he gets home from his programming job, he goes straight to his computer. He was spending all his time at home playing computer games, but lately he's just been continuing to work, but from home instead of at the office.

 

He is a fantastic cook, but he's only cooked maybe 2 or 3 times in the past 5 years. I can actually only remember one time, but I think he cooked another time too. He used to grill 1-2x/year, but I really like grilled food and he just wasn't willing to step away from his computer long enough to do it, so now I do all the grilling and that's 2-3x/month.

 

He will do pickup/dropoff when he's home and it's needed, but since two of the kids now have licenses, that's not much of an issue.

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I would like to know how the dads in the home are involved in this homeschooling endeavor?

 

How does he support you?

Does he teach any subjects?

How does he help?

 

With schoolwork only? He works from home and is sitting in the living room/dining area where ds16 and I work. He's at our disposal anytime we need him, and really when we don't. If he hears something interesting, he pops up to discuss it. But I have to say that our son has learned so much more than book learning because of this. And goodness knows his math skills are a God Send because I'm in WAY over my head with advanced math.

 

Husband does work, cooks dinner(he doesn;t like my cooking) and shops (he doesnt like my shopping-thinks it is too expensive)though but when he is home he is on the computer playing video games (Settlers of Catan) or watching the news or playing on the PS3 and watch movies with the kids. Oh he does pay rent and car insurance but I pay the utilities out of a separate account. He does make sure the vehicles are in working order. He fixes the computer problems. He does help clean in the kitchen sometimes.

 

My DH does all the shopping and cooking too. I tag along sometimes but he goes with a smile on his face and I've usually got a scowl. He also pays all the bills and balances the checkbook. He'll let me do it if I grab it first but we do it when he gets paid twice a month and he's the first to know he's gotten paid.

 

My DH doesn't complain about the amount of work he does in our home. He never has. But I'll say that I handled much more when the kids were younger. Basically we had the stereotypical setup. I took care of the kids and everything in the house except repairs and he handled everything outside the house. But when I reached burnout, he started helping more. And once the kids became more self-sufficient, he just gravitated to doing simple chores like cooking, cleaning the kitchen, shopping, and starting laundry. I do dusting, sweeping, bathrooms, tidying, and fold laundry.

 

He just didn't do alot with the kids when they were little. I don't think it was ever stated or purposefully rejected. The general care such as:

"But in terms of making sure the kids are bathed, taking their meds/vitamins, dressed appropriately, homeschooling them, outside social life, outside family activities, medical stuff, dealing with the visitations with their mom, go to bed on time, discussing their feelings, telling them to get off the tv and computers, making sure they get some outside time everyday, change their underwear, comb your hair, wipe themselves--it is all on me."
I just did them for the plain reason that they seem to be mommy responsibilities.

 

He goes to work and he feels that should be enough. He doesn;t like it when I choose to stay home and ask him to take the kids out of my hair for awhile. He makes me feel like I am not involved with the family but I am with them all day long.

 

This is just plain silly. His work has a definite start and end time, your doesn't. I would help him understand that. If you need to, draw up a timeline of the day that shows when he's away so his part is blocked out, and that yours is filled in all 24 hours. Perhaps you could compromise and create a scheduled OFF time. He shouldn't be afraid to hang out with the kids without your help.

 

I don't have any suggestions for getting him to help around the house more. Some guys just have a problem with it. What would he do if you did the laundry but left his stuff on his side of the bed? Would he feel forced to put it away or would he dump it in a chair or on the floor? That would drive me batty.

 

Then I loose my cool and he gets upset and goes and hugs the kids and cuddles with them. I am tired of being the bad guy all the time but maybe my expectations are too high.

 

Maybe he just doesn't know what to do with them, or when. Give him instructions before the fact, don't wait for him to be hit with inspiration. Can he at least keep them in one room while you do something in another room? Would he feel okay with you leaving the house for a set time, like one hour just to go browse somewhere or sit at the library in the quiet? Would he be willing to split bedtime routines? Someone supervises baths, someone supervises the tuck ins. It doesn't take long and you guys might get the kids to cooperate more if you present a united front.

 

:grouphug:

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I haven't read any replies, but the help with dinner sound heavenly and it sounds like your husband does quite a bit. If he is spending fun time with the kids, then he's probably good. My husband does nothing directly related to homeschooling. He supports me emotionally, lets me rant and talk things out, gives suggestions but lets me do my own thing and doesn't complain about how much I spend on school stuff. :) He helps with laundry and some sporadic housekeeping (we are both terrible housekeepers, I think our house is doomed to be messy for all times).

 

My husband cares deeply about homeschooling and is much more firm than I am about our children not attending public schools (never ever, if he had his way), but as far as the actual doing, it's pretty much all on me. He works full time. I don't think it's unreasonable at all for him to need down time at the end of the day. My husband plays computer games when he comes home, or he works from home. He spends most of his time on his computer doing various things (he's a programmer). His computer is right here in the living room and he doesn't get grouchy when int interrupted. He is still very much apart of our family life, even though he's occupied. Honestly, he's harder to distract from a book than the computer. :)

 

As far as you needing a break, I would try to work that out with him. Explain that you need down time too and arrange for times that work for both of you for you to be "off duty", even if it means he guards the bathroom while you take a bubble bath or something. The family as a whole will be happier for it. :)

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My dh works full time outside of the home. He doesn't participate in the schooling or anything with the running of the house. That's my responsibility. He takes ds out for walks, takes him swimming, and will read an occasional book to him. He will shower him and brush his teeth and get him ready for bed. I do the rest. :)

 

This....only I have more kids and I also work 30-50 hours a week. Dh is self employed....and works a LOT.

He stays with kids when I go to the gym

He is more fun than me...iow, he will play a game, watch a movie, create with them etc.....I am more of the taskmaster.:D

 

I do everything school related....even though he is the one who is more committed to homeschooling. There were many times I would have had their little behinds on that bus.....but he always talks me out of it:tongue_smilie:

 

I handle all the car maintenance, set up all the house maintenance, cook, clean, laundry ( not his....but all of ours). Pay the bills......and so on. I try not to think it all out too much, because then I get tired and irritable....

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Dh supports, encourages, defends, and brags about homeschooling. He doesn't do any of the actual teaching, although if he's off from work he'll oversee a workbook page or read something aloud. He cooks, does laundry & dishes, shops for groceries, and does at least half the chauffeuring. He prints stuff out for me at work and is always interested when I show him what ds has been doing. He has no homeschooling concerns because he trusts everything I do. He's even more excited about homeschooling now since reading the article on Tim Tebow the other day about dyslexia and being homeschooled. He's extremely active in the kids' outside activities - he always takes ds out somewhere on the weekends and he's a major "dance dad", happily a huge part of dd's dance life (he researches competitions, attends every event, and is always there at the studio, volunteering and being a proud dad. He even sews, rhinestones, and puts together costumes). We share the discipline, kids' clothes shopping, and most of the household stuff. He works full time (9-5) in advertising and is the lead singer in a rock band.

 

I work evenings 5pm-9pm. I do 99.9% of the actual homeschooling, handle the finances, and half the shopping and cleaning. It just naturally worked out that way.

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I would like to know how the dads in the home are involved in this homeschooling endeavor?

 

How does he support you?

Does he teach any subjects?

How does he help?

 

I am frankly on burn out right now.

 

I have given husband little projects like xerox copied activities from Story of the World to do and it is not looked at or done or started but not finished.

 

I have given him simple pages to work on with the kids. Not done. Still sitting in the kitchen counter not touched.

 

Husband does work, cooks dinner(he doesn;t like my cooking) and shops (he doesnt like my shopping-thinks it is too expensive)

 

So tell me...am I expecting too much? Complaining too much?

 

Yes. Too high.

 

My thoughts are this:

 

There are days when I run errands. At the end of those days I'm useless. I'm tired from driving, dealing with traffic, working with other people that I'm not much attached to, and just want to be HOME. Then I think about the fact that THAT is what my husband does all day, Monday through Friday!

 

So what you're saying is that he works a regular forty hour a week job, comes home, picks up, and cooks dinner every night? And he does the shopping? And pays the bills?

 

My only question would be: Does he seem resentful of you?

 

Because my husband, who is a pretty plain speaker, if I told him I wanted him to cook dinner and do school with the kids after he gets home from a full time job would seriously ask me how I spent my day.

 

And if you aren't great at cooking "his" way, try some dishes he likes, play with it a bit. I'm NOT a good cook by natural instinct (understatement of the year) and I hate cooking, but that aside, after putting forth effort because I steadfastly believe in NURTURING my family because I love them, I've learned a lot about cooking.

 

Sometimes we burn out because we're doing too much of the wrong thing and it results in more work. Just sayin'.

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Work your marriage. What are your expectations? What are your needs? What are your frustrations? What is your line in the sand? What are your needs? Wants?

 

 

I think this is good, but one thing is missing - the final question.

 

Is this a reasonable expectation?

 

 

And I think that's what she came here for, to find out if it's a reasonable expectation.

 

Her line is apparently that he should work, make dinner, do the shopping, pay some bills, help clean up.

 

She is okay with doing most of the teaching, childcare, and helping clean up and doing some of the bills.

 

The truth? They are simple little sheets (her words) and if he actually wanted to do them, he would have. Men are less "confrontational" than women. He didn't do them. Code: He doesn't WANT to.

 

The final question:

Is it reasonable to ask him to take on this task in addition to what he currently does?

 

Answer:

No.

 

However, and I'll add this: There is that caveat of a trade-off. Learn to cook or do shopping his way and then you could "negotiate" a trade if you just absolutely don't want to teach this one thing and feel it's really NECESSARY.

 

And can I add? The people who constantly strive to make marriage "equal" will ALWAYS fail. Nothing is ever equal. And when you focus on trying to make it that way, you're going to see what he does (less) and what you do (as more) and be discontent and unhappy. In a marriage, one should look out for the welfare of the OTHER person more than their own. That's the only real secret to a happy marriage.

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My dh works, brings down the hammer when necessary, helps with everything in the vein of chores (except cooking, nobody wants that), meds, bathing, negotiating, etc. He does not do anything related directly to homeschooling, except when a large guilt trip is needed for somebody.

 

This. He doesn't help much with the chores though. He works full time and is building our new house with every minute he isn't at work.

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Yes. Too high.

 

My thoughts are this:

 

There are days when I run errands. At the end of those days I'm useless. I'm tired from driving, dealing with traffic, working with other people that I'm not much attached to, and just want to be HOME. Then I think about the fact that THAT is what my husband does all day, Monday through Friday!

 

So what you're saying is that he works a regular forty hour a week job, comes home, picks up, and cooks dinner every night? And he does the shopping? And pays the bills?

 

My only question would be: Does he seem resentful of you?

 

Because my husband, who is a pretty plain speaker, if I told him I wanted him to cook dinner and do school with the kids after he gets home from a full time job would seriously ask me how I spent my day.

 

And if you aren't great at cooking "his" way, try some dishes he likes, play with it a bit. I'm NOT a good cook by natural instinct (understatement of the year) and I hate cooking, but that aside, after putting forth effort because I steadfastly believe in NURTURING my family because I love them, I've learned a lot about cooking.

 

Sometimes we burn out because we're doing too much of the wrong thing and it results in more work. Just sayin'.

 

Depends. I worked 40+ hours a week outside the home with my first two kids--and to me, that was SO much easier than staying at home. :lol: I could sit and no one would bother me or climb on top of me or create huge messes behind me, lol. I'd have way more energy to cook and clean then as opposed to now when I have kids all over 24/7. :001_smile:

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I think I am just plain old tired and cranky because I am pregnant and passing kidney stones everyday. I also have that horrible pubic pain.

 

In terms of hubbie's help, we will have to talk.

 

He doesn;t like me out of the house when he is home. He likes it when he comes home and I am home ready for him. Yesterday he had a headache all day at work so he came home kind of cranky. I put him to bed, gave him some tea, checked his blood pressure and the kids and I took out lotion and massaged him.

His bp went down and he went to sleep from like 4pm-10pm.

 

I don't leave the house besides I am in too much pain to leave the house much.

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It's very interesting reading the wide variety of responses. Our situation is the reverse position - my wife works full-time outside the home and I'm the teacher. One great benefit in our situation is that she gets one or two days off each week (her workdays are long), although these days tend to be busy with shopping errands, doctor visits, etc. We share cooking & cleaning with different emphases and my wife helps out occasionally with schooling. We're discussing having her be the writing coach this year.

 

The idea of a contract between us doesn't really work - our contract would be under renegotiation constantly. The reality of our lives is that when evening rolls around we are both exhausted but there is still more work left to do than we have time for. We also want some time both individually and together to wind down.

 

It's an important first step for us both to acknowledge all these truths. We both could easily use all the available time at the end of the day to wind down individually, but that would have bad results! It's also not sustainable for one or both of us to keep toiling all evening long. We really have to wrestle with what is most important and what is realistic for us. It's critical to keep the mindset that we're on the same team because when we're worn out it's easy to grumble at each other. We could not survive if we weren't honest and open and committed to making it work as best we can together.

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It's very interesting reading the wide variety of responses. Our situation is the reverse position - my wife works full-time outside the home and I'm the teacher. One great benefit in our situation is that she gets one or two days off each week (her workdays are long), although these days tend to be busy with shopping errands, doctor visits, etc. We share cooking & cleaning with different emphases and my wife helps out occasionally with schooling. We're discussing having her be the writing coach this year.

 

The idea of a contract between us doesn't really work - our contract would be under renegotiation constantly. The reality of our lives is that when evening rolls around we are both exhausted but there is still more work left to do than we have time for. We also want some time both individually and together to wind down.

 

It's an important first step for us both to acknowledge all these truths. We both could easily use all the available time at the end of the day to wind down individually, but that would have bad results! It's also not sustainable for one or both of us to keep toiling all evening long. We really have to wrestle with what is most important and what is realistic for us. It's critical to keep the mindset that we're on the same team because when we're worn out it's easy to grumble at each other. We could not survive if we weren't honest and open and committed to making it work as best we can together.

 

Nice. I like this very much.

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Hubby is awesome! He is totally supportive of our homeschooling emotionally and financially. He doesn't balk when I spend money -- even when I told him I want to take a training course on the art/writing method I want to use this year and told him it would be several hundred dollars. I thought I might have to sell it to him, but he said, "If that's what you need to do, go for it." He doesn't do much teaching because he works and has quite a commute, but he does teach them music and will take off work to do field trips with us. The biggest thing he does to support me is listens to me. I'm sure I bore him with my homeschooling talk sometimes, but he listens and says all the right things. While I do most of the leg-work in finding curriculum and he completely trusts my judgement, if I'm stuck between 2 programs he'll look at them and give me his opinion. He also rarely says anything if the house is a disaster area either. He recognizes that what I'm doing is a full-time job and an important one. When I doubt myself and beat myself up, he's always the one knocking sense into me and building me back up. I love him :D I definitely have a keeper!

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Dh doesn't help with homeschooling at all. He works his butt off so that I can be home with ds. He also takes care of the yard, does some cooking, does a good amount of the grocery shopping, does the couponing, and fixes anything that needs fixing around here. Oh, and he does a lot of laundry too. (Ok, I'm feeling like I need to help him more, lol!) He's under a fair amount of stress making sure we have what we need, and making sure his parents have what they need. (We share a home.)

 

Every marriage is different, but in our family, if I left little school projects for dh to do with ds, he would look at me like I was nuts.:001_smile: He may even get mad at me. It would feel like I was assigning him something, and we just don't treat each other that way. He does realize that I need some alone time, and will try to take ds out for a few hours. As soon as ds is fourteen they plan on going shooting on Saturdays. I can't wait! That will give me at least 6 hours.:D He gets my son involved in the household projects that need to be done, teaching him how to use tools and things like that, though. They built our raised garden beds together, fixed some plumbing problems, put up shelving, took out some overgrown bushes, etc. I prefer dh doing those things with ds and leaving the more traditional educational things to me.

 

Again, every marriage is different, but I've always found it odd when couples have separate finances. I'm sure that many couples make that work, but I wouldn't feel like a team if we had our finances separate. The few couples that I know IRL that have separate finances have troubled marriages in general.

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It sounds like you guys need to figure out how to agree.

 

You shopping/cooking is wrong? That would not fly with me.

 

DH will basically do whatever I ask him. Once I figured out he really DOESN'T read my mind, life got much easier :lol:

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But in terms of making sure the kids are bathed, taking their meds/vitamins, dressed appropriately, homeschooling them, outside social life, outside family activities, medical stuff, dealing with the visitations with their mom, go to bed on time, discussing their feelings, telling them to get off the tv and computers, making sure they get some outside time everyday, change their underwear, comb your hair, wipe themselves--it is all on me. I do all the discipline and correction and reminders and reading out loud.

 

I do all of this, plus the bulk of the errands, all of the extracurricular kid's activities (plus I have to volunteer and do a lot of work at most of them, because we can't afford the ones where I don't have to) And your dh still does more than mine. Because of the long hours mine works, he isn't here for dinner or bedtime most of the time, so I do all of that too. I do all of the homeschooling: ordering, planning, reading aloud, grading, etc etc. And I do all of the planning and such with the kids around. I even took them to convention this year. He just doesn't get regular time off to do more.

 

He supports us completely financially and emotionally though. He does do his best to do yard work and car maintenance and balance the checkbook (all chores that I hate) He will stop at the store that is on his way home from work and pick up the items that I like from that store because it is out of the way from where I am usually running errands. And that is about it. He loves the kids, and doesn't get to spend enough time with them, so he does barely any discipline unfortunately. But in this economy, we are thankful for his job, no matter how many hours it keeps him away from us right now. We have had much worse positions over the last 8 yrs, and are thankful for this one right now.

Edited by 2_girls_mommy
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I'm gonna tell you how it is in *my* home.

 

My dh works. He also takes care of vehicle repair/maintenance; pretty much anything other than putting gas in. He leads bible study daily, and spends special time with each of the children (taking them out for coffee, spending time with a fun hobby, playing, etc.). He disciplines the children if necessary. He will give the older children rides to friends houses. Stuff like that.

 

He does no housework. He does no 'formal' homeschooling. No chores, no household errands. No cooking, no laundry, no child bathing, no 'brush your teeth'. That's all my job.

 

He also works like 55 hours a week. Yanno, to pay for all of it. :tongue_smilie: I do not work outside the home.

 

Keep in mind here, we rent. So there are no repairs or lawn maintenance. If there was, he would help with those.

 

This is what works for US. This is how we want to run our family in this season of our lives. If what you and your dh have going is not working for both of you, I suggest you set a time to discuss it. Preferably when no one is annoyed. :D

 

^^ This is our situation (with the exception of the leading daily bible study part.) Probably once every two weeks I say, "OKAY! I need to get away for a couple of hours!" and he will stay with the kids while I go get groceries by myself of wander through a used bookstore. Also, he cooks dinner every month or two when he feels like grilling, and he does his own laundry (except ironing, when needed.) Other than that, it's all on me. I don't mind.

 

He is totally supportive of homeschooling but has no idea what we do. He knows we teach Latin, ancient history, and "weird math" but beyond that, he is totally clueless.

 

I don't think our situation would work for most people. Dh and I are both headstrong firstborns and we do best when other people move out of our way and allow us to be CEO of the situation. He doesn't want the house/kid/school stuff and I don't want to work 12 hours a day outside the home. We both have parents with interchangeable roles within their marriages and they would have been very frustrated in a marriage like ours.

 

I hope that you and your family can eventually work out a plan that works for everyone. :grouphug:

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My dh works, brings down the hammer when necessary, helps with everything in the vein of chores (except cooking, nobody wants that), meds, bathing, negotiating, etc. He does not do anything related directly to homeschooling, except when a large guilt trip is needed for somebody.

 

The same, although if he's passionate about the subject like the Revolutionary War, military history, or art study, he likes to do weekend projects.

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