teachermom2834 Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 My mom died 3 weeks ago. She was diagnosed with a brain tumor 4 weeks before she died. Tonight my dad had some kind of date. He wasn't flaunting it and trying to be secretive but it was pretty obvious. My parents had a strange relationship. He's a young, active guy. I'm trying very hard to just be "okay" with this. But it is really soon and really uncomfortable. Sigh. It's been a roller coaster. I needed more than 3 weeks :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmoe Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I"m sorry--that sounds really hard. Not defending your dad, but people sometimes show their grief in really weird ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: Oh honey!! That is so hard. I'm so sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I'm sorry for your loss. Perhaps your dad doesn't know really know what's going either. The loss has to be numbing and raw at the same time and sometimes people just do odd stuff when that happens. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. That must be hard.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks, everyone. Intellectually, I understand and am pretty much okay. Emotionally, it is more complicated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks, everyone. Intellectually, I understand and am pretty much okay. Emotionally, it is more complicated. I can imagine it is. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Perfectly understandable for you to be hurt and confused by this. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks, everyone. Intellectually, I understand and am pretty much okay. Emotionally, it is more complicated. {{{hugs}}} The above is very gracious of you. And mature. I'm sorry your mom died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 So sorry for the loss of your mom. It must be very difficult emotionally to see this situation with your dad. I guess you just have to keep reminding yourself that we all deal with things in our own way, and that no matter what he does, it is no reflection on your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 (edited) I am sorry that you lost your mom. That has to be devastating. :grouphug: I will say that I have seen people in situations where their spouse was sick a long time move on in what seems to be rapid manner, but less often when it was sudden. Either way, I think a lot of it has to do with not wanting to be alone. :( Edited August 4, 2012 by Mrs Mungo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks, everyone. Intellectually, I understand and am pretty much okay. Emotionally, it is more complicated. I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. :grouphug::grouphug: My fil kind of did this. It was very difficult on my dh and his sibs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cajunrose Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. I have to say that I have heard time and again that women grieve alone and men grieve with..well..not quite so alone. I have seen it several times and I would tend to agree with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama2Many4 Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my dad a year ago and I still miss him. Perhaps your dad is just longing for friendship from the opposite sex, and not necessarily a "replacement" or a girlfriend. I suppose I could see that. I'm sending you cyber hugs in this hard time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violingirl Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: We are dealing with that as well- my MIL passed away after a short battle with a rare cancer and FIL decided Christmas Eve was the right time to tell us that he had been dating "the woman I'm going to marry." That was only 3 months after MIL died. DH's only sibling died 10 years ago. He feels like he lost his entire family the day his mom died and it has ripped him apart. It isn't so much that FIL started dating again he's just been very inconsiderate to those around him who are also grieving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I'm sorry for the loss of your mother :grouphug: It does seem awfully early for your dad to be dating. I wouldn't be OK with it if it were me. There's not much you can say, but it does kind of stink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnitWit Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: We are dealing with that as well- my MIL passed away after a short battle with a rare cancer and FIL decided Christmas Eve was the right time to tell us that he had been dating "the woman I'm going to marry." That was only 3 months after MIL died. DH's only sibling died 10 years ago. He feels like he lost his entire family the day his mom died and it has ripped him apart. It isn't so much that FIL started dating again he's just been very inconsiderate to those around him who are also grieving. Okay, fil did the same basically. Fil was remarried before mil was gone a year. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violingirl Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Okay, fil did the same basically. Fil was remarried before mil was gone a year. :( Yep that's where we are now. It's going to be just over a year and that's only because DH told him that our family wouldn't come if it was before that. DH just can't handle it emotionally. He was really really close to his mom and she mediated for him and his dad to have a semi-decent relationship. Now that she's gone their relationship has crashed and burned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 This is hard. :grouphug: Grieve in your own way and take as much time as it takes for you. They had their relationship and you and your mother had another relationship. Some people gloss over grief because it's too painful to go through the process...but ever so necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 If Dad was lousy to Mom, I'd take this as more of the same, and I'd feel a final hurt about it. If Dad was a good husband and dad, I'd be perplexed a little, but forgiving. He's going to lose friends over it, and tongues will cluck. And I hope he doesn't get in too deep too fast while this is still fresh. But if it was years and years of a loveless marriage ... possibly this was going on before her death. Ewww. I knew a very nice man, recently divorced, who decided to keep an eye on the paper for people he knew who were divorcing (he knew a LOT of people in town). Then he, in his gentlemanly and organized way, decided to wait one year and then call for a date. He gave up on this plan when most were remarried already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: Grief makes you do things that others dont understand unless theyve been there. You arent in your right head basically. Perhaps hes using this woman to help him through this tough time? Its easier to talk to someone your age than your child. KWIM? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Went thru this recently with the death of MIL. Discovered FIL had a mistress in the wings during the marriage that MIL never knew about. Mistress was also 25 years younger. FIL married the mistress 5 weeks after the funeral. It created a war in the family with the kids and the new stepmom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Went thru this recently with the death of MIL. Discovered FIL had a mistress in the wings during the marriage that MIL never knew about. Mistress was also 25 years younger. FIL married the mistress 5 weeks after the funeral. It created a war in the family with the kids and the new stepmom. I am so sorry. What upheaval and raw feelings this must have caused! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: you've said it all very well. have you said it to him? (that intellectually you understand, but that emotionally its a little more complicated?). he may just be needing to know that life goes on, but he may also be completely clueless as to how this feels to others around him. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Is your dad the kind of person you can talk to? You could just share your feelings. I agree with a PP though, grief works it way through people very differently. I hope you can find some peace with all of this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: Sorry for the loss of your mom. Mine died suddenly as well. As far as your dad.....well, people do some pretty crazy things....especially when they are in shock or grieving. It doesn't make it easier for those around them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: I would be confused too. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted August 4, 2012 Author Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks, everyone. I know that this is fairly common and that others have been through it. Last night he bailed on plans with our family saying he had to work but he was like a teenager lying to his parents. He obvious had other plans and he was uncomfortable/guilty looking about it. As icky as it makes me feel I'm willing to cut him some slack as he figures things out for himself. If we have a repeat of last night where he blew off dinner plans with us I will talk to him. Otherwise I'm going to have to let him live his life and try to be okay with it. I don't need to lose my other parent now, too. He's generally a private guy and I can see him keeping his dating life private from us- for a very long time at least. That is just fine with me but he can't blow off the family like he did last night and give us a lame excuse. Again, I really am willing to cut him some slack as he deals with something that is new to him, too. I have the impression he feels really guilty about last night and hopefully it was a gut check for him. He has always been extremely close to his grandchildren and leaving them disappointed last night was out of character. I will talk to him if that happens again. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug: I am very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: you've said it all very well. have you said it to him? (that intellectually you understand, but that emotionally its a little more complicated?). he may just be needing to know that life goes on, but he may also be completely clueless as to how this feels to others around him. :grouphug: ann I was wondering the same thing. :grouphug: for you teachermom - I would feel the same way. I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I will talk to him if that happens again. Thanks for listening. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 :grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I"m sorry--that sounds really hard. Not defending your dad, but people sometimes show their grief in really weird ways. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 (edited) May I give another perspective? I met my husband 6 weeks after his wife passed and we married about 6 months after her passing. It's a bit different, because his wife had complications in childbirth which led to her passing, so his children were 6 weeks old and 3 years old at the time we met. It certainly wasn't a planned thing, and he wasn't out looking. It just happened. We knew that we would get married almost right away. He says he had already had an amazing marriage, and he was able to more quickly realize exactly what would make another great marriage, but he DID realize what this would mean to the people around him. And he was still working through grief. And more importantly, he still loved his wife (and still does). I wouldn't have married him if he didn't. He did "hide" our relationship for a while from friends and family because he didn't want to hurt anyone. He truly didn't, and our relationship really did "just happen" and neither of us were seeking it out. I certainly wasn't a replacement for his wife, but others would see it that way. We did LOTS of praying, and he confided in her family first. We are really blessed, because HER father's father had met and married a wonderful lady 1 month after losing his wife, so my dh's FIL understood because his own father had experienced the same. It was still very hard for her mother, but I can say that 11 years later, I am incredibly close to her mother as well as entire family, closer than to my in-laws. HER parents call me their daughter-in-law, and all my children their grandchildren. So, don't feel guilty that this is hard for you. He most likely knows it is, which is why he is trying to be secretive. You are dealing with all sorts of emotions, and it's hard to separate them out. My prayer for you is that if anything comes of your dad's relationship, the woman is kind and understanding and gives you the space you need while still loving you and your family. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Edited August 4, 2012 by mandymom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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