mybluesky Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 A bit of a vent first...I feel like some of my working friends have little respect for my time because I am "only" staying home. I tend to be a flexible person and I love helping my friends out, because I feel really, really fortunate to be able to stay home with my kids right now. So I have a few friends who regularly call me to have their kids over if they need to work and they can't make other arrangements for their kids. I don't mind at all, usually. But on occasion I feel VERY taken for granted. For example, earlier in the week, a friend asked if her 3 children could come over this morning for a few hours. I had to rearrange my own schedule a bit, but it worked fine, and my kids were excited because they enjoy these 3 children...they are very sweet. So we set our alarms and got up early to be ready when they would arrive...and they didn't. I called the mom, and she said that one of her appointments had been cancelled so she didn't need me anymore, so she forgot she had even asked. :001_huh: I asked if her kids would still like to come, since we had carved the time out of our day, and my kids were anxiously awaiting her kids. She said her kids were likely to sleep in until 10, but that when they were awake if they were "interested" in coming down, then maybe they would. GRRRR! I know I am mostly to blame for making myself so flexible and available that it seems like no big thing to my friends. I will be starting homeschooling with my DS5 when the big kids return to PS in the fall, and I know I need to make some changes so that others don't assume that I'm "just" homeschooling and can't I just accommodate their needs since my schedule is flexible, etc. I think I need to have a script or something in mind, or even warn people ahead of time that homeschool hours are off-limits. How have you all handled this? Has it been a problem at all? Any advice is greatly appreciated!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I have managed to block out 8:00-12:00 as our homeschool time for most people, although there is one homeschooling friend who doesn't seem to "get" that I mean " we don't do anything other than planned co-op once a week during those hours, even if your 5yr old would LOVE to have my 7yr old come teach her math". I'm also trying, this year, to reserve one afternoon a week for people to come to our house for educational activities, and one day a week for field trips and the like away from home-but leave the rest of the days open for school, because as DD starts taking more outsourced classes, she needs blocks of time to do the work, which means that we shouldn't be quite so available to go to the zoo every time someone else is going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I don't answer the phone during school hours, and I simply say no when people ask if I can do something during that time. If they ask why or press, I explain that it is our school time, then change the subject or suggest an alternate time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 :bigear: I'm interested in this too. For me, it's more the phone calls. I try not to answer, but usually by the time we're done school and I'm done doing a little housework it's time to go to our activities and then come home, have dinner, etc. and I don't end up calling anyone back. I also have a friend who asks during school vacation weeks if I can watch her child now that she's working. She doesn't ask for the whole week, but asks if there are any days. I don't mind taking her child on co-op days because we don't do school anyway, but wouldn't you know it that the few times I've taken him, co-op ends up cancelled so we would have had a full day to do school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 8-12 are our core hours. I don't usually leave the house most weekday afternoons until 1-2. I am open to flexibility, as far as leaving for field trips or if an emergency comes up (someone must be going to the hospital or something serious!) But generally, I need to plan ahead for taking a day off of school. You probably just need to get in the habit of saying no. And if you are on the phone with someone and feel put on the spot, just tell them that you will have to look at your schedule and get back to them. Later you can send a text declining. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 We're not available during school hrs. Thanks for understanding! *wash* *rinse* *repeat* Take phone off hook, or turn down ringer, or simply employ caller id to ignore everyone but dh. Put note on door, "School in progress, do not interrupt!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I'm sorry but that was VERY rude of your friend. I am very protective of my time. During school hours I ony pick up the phone for dh and a close friend. If I have a lot going on at other times of day and I can't talk, I just don't pick up the phone. My boys used to sit for too long waiting for me to wrap up a call so we can finish schooling. No more. I only pick up the phone if I have time to talk. If it is i,portant, they will leave a message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I don't answer the phone during school hours, and I simply say no when people ask if I can do something during that time. If they ask why or press, I explain that it is our school time, then change the subject or suggest an alternate time. This. I used to be ultra flexible, and was seen as always available. In the end, our homeschooling suffered. Now, I am more regimented (or dedicated to our schedule), and things work *so* much better. I still help others out, but I don't feel like I am taken for granted as much....more that it is appreciated when I alter our schedule to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I'm sorry but that was VERY rude of your friend. I am very protective of my time. During school hours I ony pick up the phone for dh and a close friend. If I have a lot going on at other times of day and I can't talk, I just don't pick up the phone. My boys used to sit for too long waiting for me to wrap up a call so we can finish schooling. No more. I only pick up the phone if I have time to talk. If it is i,portant, they will leave a message. Denise has answered the ph for me. :D Just sayin :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I say, "No, I'm sorry, we do school from 8:00-12:00. Maybe another time." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I think you just have to learn to say no more often. You could have said no in the first place. Not saying that's easy, but yeah, that's what you gotta do. :001_smile: Yes. You are busy, and you don't even have to explain why. I wouldn't announce anything in advance. I'd just be less available in the future. If someone notices the change, just say that your schedule and plans have changed, and you're no longer as available as you had been in the past. Then, plan something on your terms.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkateLeft Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 We used to have similar problems when my kids were younger. It decreased dramatically as they got older. You really have to set boundaries. I stopped answering the phone during the day. With Caller ID, I would only answer if it was my husband, otherwise I'd let the call go to voicemail. Our voicemail message said, "If you're calling between the hours of 9am and 3pm, we are doing school. Please leave a message and we'll call you back when our school day is over." I also put a sign on our front door during the day, because we used to get neighborhood kids stopping by and a steady stream of solicitors. I had a no soliciting sign, but the solicitors in that neighborhood would ignore it, claiming they weren't selling anything. (Usually, they were political or religious in nature, so I had to explain that soliciting *doesn't* just mean you're selling something...) I think the sign said something like, "Unless you are a family member, or delivering a package, please do not disturb between the hours of 9am and 3pm as we are doing school." It was a very nice looking little wooden sign that I made and hung on the door. I also hung a sign over the doorbell, so nobody could say they didn't see it. Eventually, people got the point and backed off with no hurt feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I guess I'm mean because my friends wouldn't dare think to interrupt our school day unless it was a true emergency (i.e. they were heading to the emergency room with a child and needed to leave the other child(ren) with someone). I have made it very clear that we consider our school time to be the priority and we aren't available to do things during that time. I did have a problem for a little while with my sister calling to ask a question during school hours. I would pick it up, thinking that it was important, but it wouldn't be. :glare: I finally told her to stop calling unless it was an emergency and to text me instead. Now she texts me her silly questions and I text her back when I get a minute. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I've had experiences almost exactly the same as you describe. We only started homeschooling three years ago and before that I was always super helpful to my friends, and to all the parents of my kids friends. We always had kids here, parties for everything. Then we started homeschooling and as the months went by I began to realise that we had to establish some boundaries, not only around school time, but also around the time I needed to stay sane. I've had something of a personality change since we started homeschooling :lol:. I've turned away a good friend and her children who just turned up on the doorstep mid-morning while we were in the middle of school one day. I say no to everyone and anyone if I know it's going to cause stress and disruption to our lives. I let people know if their disorganisation is messing me around. And, do you know, it doesn't bother me in the least. I used to be the most compliant people-pleaser ever, but I really don't care anymore what anyone thinks. People like your friend who messed you around are just rude and bad-mannered and aren't worth worrying about. Some of it may also be my age (48), I am turning into a bit of a menopausal old witch, and it's rather fun :D. So maybe think about how you might reinvent yourself in a way that helps you to establish those boundaries, to give yourself the best chance to make a success of your homeschooling and to look after yourself and your family. Best wishes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mybluesky Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 Yup, thinking here that I have to get a backbone! These suggestions have been really helpful. I especially love the ideas for a phone message and a sign on the door. It's these common sense things that I often just don't think about ahead of time...until I'm already annoyed, lol! Thank you everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mybluesky Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 I've had experiences almost exactly the same as you describe. We only started homeschooling three years ago and before that I was always super helpful to my friends, and to all the parents of my kids friends. We always had kids here, parties for everything. Then we started homeschooling and as the months went by I began to realise that we had to establish some boundaries, not only around school time, but also around the time I needed to stay sane. I've had something of a personality change since we started homeschooling :lol:. I've turned away a good friend and her children who just turned up on the doorstep mid-morning while we were in the middle of school one day. I say no to everyone and anyone if I know it's going to cause stress and disruption to our lives. I let people know if their disorganisation is messing me around. And, do you know, it doesn't bother me in the least. I used to be the most compliant people-pleaser ever, but I really don't care anymore what anyone thinks. People like your friend who messed you around are just rude and bad-mannered and aren't worth worrying about. Some of it may also be my age (48), I am turning into a bit of a menopausal old witch, and it's rather fun :D. So maybe think about how you might reinvent yourself in a way that helps you to establish those boundaries, to give yourself the best chance to make a success of your homeschooling and to look after yourself and your family. Best wishes I LOVE the idea of reinventing myself. At 44, it is probably about time! I've often kicked myself for being too flexible to the detriment of my own family. That has to change. Reinventing myself seems to be what the 40's are about for me anyway. I've honestly loved being in my 40's because I do feel more free of caring what other people think. Obviously I have a way to go though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Our voice mail has a message during the school year. It says something like, please call back after 3pm or leave a message. When my two were younger, I had a message on the door bell that said visitors were welcome after 2pm, and I had a sticky note by the phone that read..."No, I'm sorry it's not possible." People get used to consistency, but you have to get comfy saying no or later. You need to show that you value your time in order for others to get it. kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Their poor planning is not your emergency. Would you drop your kids off at your friends office at lunch time because you didn't plan on feeding them at home and wanted the afternoon off to go bra shopping all by yourself? No? Because that would be crazy, right? Well, what your friends are asking of you is just as crazy. Here are, in my *opinion*, some situations that would make me re-arrange my school day for someone. These have happened to me, or my friends. Emergency surgery for an elderly grandparent- I was the only one available to drive her- I dropped my girls off at a friend's. Death in the family. I had to make funeral arrangements and didn't want to leave my girls alone, even though they were old enough. Mom's hospitalization for pre-term labor. And subsequent NICU care. Jury Duty that went on for days beyond our ability to manage childcare on our own. See- things like that are emergencies. Not just "Ooops! I assumed you could do this so now I'm stuck, so you HAVE TO do it for me." Also, a homeschool friend and I planned (see that word? planned?) a day each month where one mom took all of the kids and did a 1-day unit study. The other mom was free to run errands, make appointments, catch up, sleep, whatever. It was wonderful! I miss those days very much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walking-Iris Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I agree with pp--I don't answer the phone when we're doing school stuff unless the caller ID shows someone I need to talk to right then--a dr's office calling back or dh's work etc. Texts are easier to ignore until later or whip off a quick reply. I anticipate that this may become more of an issue for us this year since my MIL is retiring and she has mentioned how excited she is to be able to stop by whenever or pick up the kids to take to the park....um yeah :001_huh: I can see already the potential pitfalls this year. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I think you just have to learn to say no more often. You could have said no in the first place. Not saying that's easy, but yeah, that's what you gotta do. :001_smile: :iagree: This is one of the reasons I treat homeschooling like a job. You wouldn't call a friend and ask to drop your kids off at their office would you? "I'm sorry, I'm not available," is a full and complete sentence. I answer the phone for my dh and my mom during school and that's it. I've seen some people post little announcements on their door, on their voicemail, or even on facebook. Something like "Just a reminder, we start back to school on this date and we will not be available during the day until after this time. Thanks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I consider homeschooling to be my job. I am not available during our school hours which are usually in the morning and early afternoon and I don't answer the phone or door (unless it's dh). If your friends wouldn't allow you to drop off your kids at their office when they are working, why do they think it's OK for them to do it to you? I might make an exception for a true emergency, but it should be very rare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I had gotten a bit lax on the interruptions also, but dd is starting 9th grade and I think we both need to put our full attention on schooling for a while to get this new year up and running. In general, we don't owe anyone an explanation. No just means no, end of story. However, if is someone in our lives with whom I wish to be a bit more gentle (relatives, family friends, elderly neighbors, etc.), my response is, "I'm sorry, but I am teaching school during those hours so I won't be available to help you then. I can call after we are done to see if you still need my help." I think a lot of people really don't understand that I have to teach homeschool, not just stand by passively watching while my dd does homeschool. In the past when I have said this, they usually say not to call afterward. Either the "crisis" will have passed by then or it wasn't important enough to necessitate them waiting for my schedule to become clear. This is sometimes accompanied by a pout or attempt to guilt-trip me into changing my mind. I ignore the thinly veiled attempts to manipulate me and get on with my life. I don't have call waiting on my phone, but I can turn the ringer and volume down. Dh knows if it is important for him to reach me, to call and let it ring twice, then hang up and call again. I will answer if it rings, stops, and then rings again. Otherwise, it can wait. If it is a true emergency, then they should be calling law enforcement or EMS, not me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoZeeCo's Mom Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I am planning on sending an email out to all friends and family in the area detailing our schedule and leaving clear instructions on how we would like to be reached during the day. The drop-ins have become so disruptive that I think setting clear boundaries in a polite but firm way is the only chance we have of actually getting school done everyday with minimal interruption. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 Denise has answered the ph for me. :D Just sayin :tongue_smilie: :lol::lol::lol: of course!!!;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I had someone say this: "since you do the homeschool thing.....and then proceed to ask if the kid could stay all day Fri." It was a parent of DS' friend, and he is a teacher and very in the know about my schedule. I usually act like I don't know what people are talking and speak as if I assume they mean after school hours. I have gotten pretty good at this. It's called condescension. But, you know lots of these people know what they are doing. I guess I am being the glass is half empty because often I think they are trying to belittle. I'm nice the first time and just lay out the rules, but if you are going to try to offend me with the "because you don't work and all," you're askin for it! I have only had a few people do this to me, but they all know better so I assume they are trying to establish some sort of authority, because they are *real* teachers. I'm not overly self confident or anything :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 I agree, you just have to say no. As far as the phone thing, I do not pick up unless it is DH. My other close friends and family I have told (in the event of an emergency) to ring, hang up and rering. When the phone rings I note the caller ID. If it rings again immediately after and is the same person, I pick up rather than let it go to the answering machine. This has worked very well. I obviously do not tell this to people who cannot understand what an "emergency" would be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamatohaleybug Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I need to make it an even bigger priority this year. Too often, my DD gets pushed to the side for other things and then I feel frustrated with myself. And she feels pretty darn frustrated, too. What I do is make it well-known that I am not available M-F until 4 or so. I usually don't take calls or answer emails during those hours either. I've learned to say no a lot more, too. I hear about it from friends and family but I usually stick to my guns. Now this year, I need to stick with it better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I don't answer the phone during school hours, and I simply say no when people ask if I can do something during that time. If they ask why or press, I explain that it is our school time, then change the subject or suggest an alternate time. That is how I have always handled it, too. I look at schooling my kids as my job, and guard those hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 I NEED to start doing this. For me its not Phone calls and Doorbells, its errands and being lazy on my part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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