Is s*x a deep comfort for men?

[I.Dup.]

I just read a blog about s*x being the greatest comfort a man could have and his #1 need in order to feel loved (this was a Christian blog). The author said we should prepare our bodies and our homes to have s*x each day, make our beds fragrant, our bedrooms exciting, prepare our bodies, etc. She said a man would rather clip hedges outside in the freezing rain than have s*x with a wife who is not into it and fully passionate. This is someone who has 12 children, so it's not like she isn't busy enough as it is.

 

She is getting this from the "For Women Only" book and the survey inside. I am wondering, if this is true, how do young boys grow up feeling loved?

[Munchkins_mama]

Ummm.. I think it's different for different men, depending on their love language.

Edited August 2, 2012 by Munchkins_mama

[Jean in Newcastle]

S*x can be a comfort and a need for both men and women.

 

As to the rest, I think I now know more about some anonymous woman's private life than I want to know. I dislike the cookbook approach to marriage or anything else unless it is baking. Different people prefer different frequency and accompaniments.

[I.Dup.]

Sometimes it feels like he just needs to... you know... Not saying it's all bad, but he he that way.

 

:iagree:

 

S*x can be a comfort and a need for both men and women.

 

As to the rest, I think I now know more about some anonymous woman's private life than I want to know. I dislike the cookbook approach to marriage or anything else unless it is baking. Different people prefer different frequency and accompaniments.

 

I was a bit skeeved out too. I'm not sure what to think of the Christians that seem to worship s*x and talk about it in these ways.

[BakersDozen]

The author said we should prepare our bodies and our homes to have s*x each day,

The very thought wearies and frustrates me, to be honest. Every.single.day?? Not happening...no way, no how.

 

I dislike the cookbook approach to marriage or anything else unless it is baking. Different people prefer different frequency and accompaniments.

:iagree:!!! I can't stand "formulas" or set times for things such as s*x (ie: "Healthy couples have s*x "x" number of times/week). Talk about pressure or feeling like a failure if one doesn't comply to that expectation!

 

Unfortunately, my dh does view s*x as a comfort thing and the way he feels loved. Why can't he just see my doing the laundry and making meals as loving?? :tongue_smilie:

[Carrie75]

She said a man would rather clip hedges outside in the freezing rain than have s*x with a wife who is not into it and fully passionate.

 

I don't think this is true. Couples have "quickies" all the time, often when the woman isn't fully passionate. I can imagine that when a man is with his wife and she is acting annoyed and grossed out, then yes he'd be turned off quickly. I think it's best to be giving and loving when you can even when your spouse has a higher sex drive then you.

[I.Dup.]

I don't think this is true. Couples have "quickies" all the time, often when the woman isn't fully passionate. I can imagine that when a man is with his wife and she is acting annoyed and grossed out, then yes he'd be turned off quickly. I think it's best to be giving and loving when you can even when your spouse has a higher sex drive then you.

 

:iagree:

[dbmamaz]

Totally too simplistic. Love languages makes more sense. There was one chapter in that book where a man thought that s*x (is this necessary? to use fake words?) was what made him feel loved, and he asked the man "if your wife would have sex with you whenever you wanted, but wanted NOTHING to do with you outside of bed, would you feel loved?" of course the answer was no.

 

My husband (admittedly, we are 47) does not seem to care about sex as much as I do. There is no emotional part of it for him. I am really not sure WHAT makes him feel loved, but apparently I do it, because he sometimes has told me that he KNOWS I love him.

 

He is more in to sex when he's already in a good mood. it does not improve his mood.

[6packofun]

I think it's another stereotype (which may be true for *some* men, but not all) that somehow sells marriage books. I've begun counseling young couples to not read a single book on marriage and/or sex until they've been married at least a year because nobody else should be telling them how to love and relate to THEIR unique spouse.

 

That said, *I* find s*x to be a comfort and security in my relationship way more than dh and it's books like these that have made me feel like an alien nympho.

[Hilltop]

S*x can be a comfort and a need for both men and women.

 

As to the rest, I think I now know more about some anonymous woman's private life than I want to know. I dislike the cookbook approach to marriage or anything else unless it is baking. Different people prefer different frequency and accompaniments.

 

:iagree: Well said, Jean.

[oasis]

That said, *I* find s*x to be a comfort and security in my relationship way more than dh and it's books like these that have made me feel like an alien nympho.

 

:iagree: Same here!! Dh could care less about having teA parties every day. I, on the other hand, would be really happy to have teA at any time!

[mommaduck]

I just read a blog about s*x being the greatest comfort a man could have and his #1 need in order to feel loved (this was a Christian blog). The author said we should prepare our bodies and our homes to have s*x each day, make our beds fragrant, our bedrooms exciting, prepare our bodies, etc. She said a man would rather clip hedges outside in the freezing rain than have s*x with a wife who is not into it and fully passionate. This is someone who has 12 children, so it's not like she isn't busy enough as it is.

 

She is getting this from the "For Women Only" book and the survey inside. I am wondering, if this is true, how do young boys grow up feeling loved?

Well, that may be HER husband. Happy for her. Whatever floats their boat.

 

To broadbrush it the rest of humanity or Christianity, I can only say that she is off her rocker. Heaven help the person that doesn't fit in her box and should need a friend.

 

And I can only say that she definitely isn't Orthodox!

[JumpyTheFrog]

The author said we should prepare our bodies and our homes to have s*x each day, make our beds fragrant, our bedrooms exciting, prepare our bodies, etc.

 

I don't think women should have this expectation placed on them even as newlyweds. And after having kids, it is completely unrealistic. There's nothing like turning it into a chore for tired, overworked moms, especially ones who've already spent all day with arguing kids, colicky babies, etc.

 

This verse about the Pharisees comes to mind:

 

Luke 16:46

Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

 

Can you imagine a man ever reading a book telling him a woman's greatest comfort is romance and that every single day he should write her poetry, buy flowers, or cook a candlelight dinner?

 

What a load of garbage.

[Seasider]

I don't think women should have this expectation placed on them even as newlyweds. And after having kids, it is completely unrealistic. There's nothing like turning it into a chore for tired, overworked moms, especially ones who've already spent all day with arguing kids, colicky babies, etc.

 

This verse about the Pharisees comes to mind:

 

Luke 16:46

Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

 

Can you imagine a man ever reading a book telling him a woman's greatest comfort is romance and that every single day he should write her poetry, buy flowers, or cook a candlelight dinner?

 

What a load of garbage.

 

:iagree:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Fragrant beds. :lol:

 

The entire Christian community needs to stop this nonsense. Dear anonymous lady, stop telling us about your sex life. Stop telling us that whatever your husband wants is the definition of Christian holiness, because that is absurd. It's also quite vulgar and common to explain your husband's peccadilloes to strangers on the internet. You are grossing out the whole world, and you need to go read your Bible. Stay out of my bedroom and quit astonishing me by inviting me into yours. Thanks.

 

I intend to copy and paste this on every Christian blog and article of this kind until they all just stop it.

[Dory]

If that were true than our teenage sons would never feel loved. Really, if my dh has been working hard he doesn't want it. To try and do it every day would render me into a vibrating mess in the corner of the closet. I hate cookie cutter approaches to marriage. My dh and I are usually 3-4 times a week. That's plenty in my world and he says he's happy and comfortable with it. We discuss tEa on a regular basis because it is something we have had to work very hard on in our marriage. Some men want to feel noticed, sometimes that means just picking up their favorite juice for them when you are in town. Some guys want to hear affirmation regularly, which means that you need to let them know how much you appreciate them in a verbal way.

All guys want some tEa in their lives, but their bodies only require a release of some form every 2-3 days.

 

I think that if the only way you dh can feel loved is through sex, that he might have a problem, and perhaps his parents were a little stilted in their ability to show affection.

 

It reminds me of a couple men in my family that I would label as having a sex addiction.

 

That entire response sounds really fragmented and disjointed, but things like this anger me like very few other things.

[elegantlion]

:lol::lol:Every day? :lol::lol:

 

What a horrid expectation to set as a generalization. Every marriage is unique and every marriage has a season. Why is woman can't feel deeply comforted by s8x? For me this all points back to the he's a man, he needs s*x and you must give it to him, and it becomes about it being a chore for a woman. Clearly, she's never met some women. ;)

 

It is supposed to be something beautiful and private between two individuals. It's an act of love in a marriage or (*gasp*) a relationship. It's like gift giving, some holidays you both get gifts, some days only one of you gets a gift. There is still joy for the giver as well if you love someone. Some years are lean gift giving years and some the gifts flow with more abundance.

[edelweiss]

The very thought wearies and frustrates me, to be honest. Every.single.day?? Not happening...no way, no how.

 

 

 

So true! I don't think I could be married if that was the expectation. Ugh!!

[Dory]

I don't think women should have this expectation placed on them even as newlyweds. And after having kids, it is completely unrealistic. There's nothing like turning it into a chore for tired, overworked moms, especially ones who've already spent all day with arguing kids, colicky babies, etc.

 

This verse about the Pharisees comes to mind:

 

Luke 16:46

Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

 

Can you imagine a man ever reading a book telling him a woman's greatest comfort is romance and that every single day he should write her poetry, buy flowers, or cook a candlelight dinner?

 

What a load of garbage.

 

Not ever going to happen, but that thought does make for a pretty fun dream. :D

[SorrelZG]

She is getting this from the "For Women Only" book and the survey inside.

 

I've unfortunately read the book, "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men," and I absolutely did not need to know about the inner lives of the men she surveyed and after reading some of it to my husband he told me to throw it in the trash as it was not representative of him and was doing nothing but harm in making me think he was thinking these things.

 

(that wasn't really to address the question .. just a tangent)

Edited August 2, 2012 by SCGS

[6packofun]

LOL!

[I.Dup.]

I don't think women should have this expectation placed on them even as newlyweds. And after having kids, it is completely unrealistic. There's nothing like turning it into a chore for tired, overworked moms, especially ones who've already spent all day with arguing kids, colicky babies, etc.

 

This verse about the Pharisees comes to mind:

 

Luke 16:46

Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

 

Can you imagine a man ever reading a book telling him a woman's greatest comfort is romance and that every single day he should write her poetry, buy flowers, or cook a candlelight dinner?

 

What a load of garbage.

 

I totally agree.

 

I cannot quit being surprised when I see this attitude in conservative Christian circles. Maybe they feel on a mission to swing to the far extreme of what s*x should be since they hear that many women DO deny their husbands? I guess it happens, but it's none of their business. The book she is referencing disgusted me when I read it, btw. I'd be curious if anyone else read that book "For Women Only"

[I.Dup.]

I've unfortunately read the book, "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men," and I absolutely did not need to know about the inner lives of the men she surveyed and after reading some of it to my husband he told me to throw it in the trash as it was not representative of him and was doing nothing but harm in making me think he was thinking these things.

 

(that wasn't really to address the question .. just a tangent)

 

We must have been posting at the same time, I had the same reaction to the book. I was horrified to be honest. It was in the same vein as that modesty survey conducted by those 2 teen boys.

[Kathryn]

The very thought wearies and frustrates me, to be honest. Every.single.day?? Not happening...no way, no how.

 

:iagree:!!! I can't stand "formulas" or set times for things such as s*x (ie: "Healthy couples have s*x "x" number of times/week). Talk about pressure or feeling like a failure if one doesn't comply to that expectation!

 

Unfortunately, my dh does view s*x as a comfort thing and the way he feels loved. Why can't he just see my doing the laundry and making meals as loving?? :tongue_smilie:

 

Fragrant beds. :lol:

 

The entire Christian community needs to stop this nonsense. Dear anonymous lady, stop telling us about your sex life. Stop telling us that whatever your husband wants is the definition of Christian holiness, because that is absurd. It's also quite vulgar and common to explain your husband's peccadilloes to strangers on the internet. You are grossing out the whole world, and you need to go read your Bible. Stay out of my bedroom and quit astonishing me by inviting me into yours. Thanks.

 

I intend to copy and paste this on every Christian blog and article of this kind until they all just stop it.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[KayT]

I don't think women should have this expectation placed on them even as newlyweds. And after having kids, it is completely unrealistic. There's nothing like turning it into a chore for tired, overworked moms, especially ones who've already spent all day with arguing kids, colicky babies, etc.

 

This verse about the Pharisees comes to mind:

 

Luke 16:46

Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

 

Can you imagine a man ever reading a book telling him a woman's greatest comfort is romance and that every single day he should write her poetry, buy flowers, or cook a candlelight dinner?

 

What a load of garbage.

 

:iagree:Thank you! :)

Edited August 2, 2012 by KayT
might of been offensive

[stripe]

Fragrant beds. :lol:

 

The entire Christian community needs to stop this nonsense. Dear anonymous lady, stop telling us about your sex life. Stop telling us that whatever your husband wants is the definition of Christian holiness, because that is absurd. It's also quite vulgar and common to explain your husband's peccadilloes to strangers on the internet.

Seriously. Thank you.

 

I had a woman (I won't state her religion) give me all manner of tips at one point. I kept thinking to myself, "So what if your husband's a snuggler? What's that got to do with me?" I don't understand the idea that because one man likes something, all other men must like exactly the same thing in exactly the same way. But then, I've also been told men like to eat certain things. Unfortunately for them, in my husband's culture, it's women who eat those things! ha ha ha.

 

There's nothing wrong -- in fact, many good things! -- about encouraging husbands and wives to express love and concern to each other, including intimately. But I am sure some men, somewhere, come home and want to go to sleep for a while. Or skip a day. Or are struggling with ED and need a break. Or have the flu. Or whatever. But having a "one size fits all" approach is unlikely to work.

[aggieamy]

Fragrant beds. :lol:

 

The entire Christian community needs to stop this nonsense. Dear anonymous lady, stop telling us about your sex life. Stop telling us that whatever your husband wants is the definition of Christian holiness, because that is absurd. It's also quite vulgar and common to explain your husband's peccadilloes to strangers on the internet. You are grossing out the whole world, and you need to go read your Bible. Stay out of my bedroom and quit astonishing me by inviting me into yours. Thanks.

 

I intend to copy and paste this on every Christian blog and article of this kind until they all just stop it.

 

:iagree:

 

Tibbie - you are one classy gal.

[SorrelZG]

nt

Edited August 5, 2012 by SCGS
Not really on topic and needed context

[justLisa]

Whoa. DH HATES smell of any kind. People who write this stuff make me :lol:

[LarlaB]

Personally, I don't want to know and care not-a-bit about the inner life of any man other than the one I'm married to....

 

:D

[happi duck]

What also makes me :glare: is when in those type of cookie -cutter discussions someone says "my dh isn't like that" and then women insist "yes he is he's just not being honest with you"

grr

[Seasider]

Well said, Tibbie!

 

And I have to wonder.... just how offensive is this sort of message to those who have experienced radical disfigurement by accident or disease, to the point that they are not capable of engaging in int3rcourse? To women whose husbands suffer from the effects of such things as radical surgery for prostate cancer? Or those whose military spouses are deployed for extended periods of time - are they unloved because they are absent from the marriage bed?

 

Very narrow-minded, I think.

[happi duck]

Personally, I don't want to know and care not-a-bit about the inner life of any man other than the one I'm married to....

 

:D

 

:iagree:

[sunnylady303]

WHY?? WHY?? Why do I need to know this about a stranger? I can (kind of) understand talking about it in the context of love languages. There are men (many it seems) who really feel loved and accepted in the best ways through sex. But not all. Also what about the wife? I mean....

 

I am just out of words. Insights into others' marriages can be helpful sometimes but gross generalizations (and I do mean gross) are not.

[Liz CA]

:D Geez. I wanted to ask the poster if this is another "pearl" from the Pearls.

If there are no complaints on either side about frequency, I would not worry about it. If one spouse has an issue with something they need to address their spouse.

[Liz CA]

I totally agree.

 

I cannot quit being surprised when I see this attitude in conservative Christian circles. Maybe they feel on a mission to swing to the far extreme of what s*x should be since they hear that many women DO deny their husbands? I guess it happens, but it's none of their business. The book she is referencing disgusted me when I read it, btw. I'd be curious if anyone else read that book "For Women Only"

 

Is this Shaunti Feldhahn's book??

[I.Dup.]

Is this Shaunti Feldhahn's book??

 

Yes.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Men get busy and tired and sick too. Not all men have the same s*x drive and it doesn't have to mean a medical problem for it to be that way. If you look at some past polls on this board (and no, I don't have the time or inclination to look for them) there is a broad difference in frequency in healthy intimate marriages. Yes, there can be medical issues for both men and women. Both men and women can withhold s*x from each other. The idea that the woman has to "put out" whatever the man demands (no matter how kindly) is abhorrent to me even while I realize that women and men can compromise and meet each other's needs willingly in a healthy marriage.

[elegantlion]

What also makes me :glare: is when in those type of cookie -cutter discussions someone says "my dh isn't like that" and then women insist "yes he is he's just not being honest with you"

grr

 

:iagree: That's what always ticks me off. I've been married for almost 20 years, in a relationship for him for about 22. I think I understand him better than a random speaker or writer. But then some people think people only come in about 5-10 little boxes anyway. There are what 300 million people in the US, I guarantee 5-10-100-1,000 mindsets aren't all there is. Quit trying to put me and my family into a box. I worked in insurance underwriting for years, I hate little statistical boxes. :glare:

[Liz CA]

I've unfortunately read the book, "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men," and I absolutely did not need to know about the inner lives of the men she surveyed and after reading some of it to my husband he told me to throw it in the trash as it was not representative of him and was doing nothing but harm in making me think he was thinking these things.

 

(that wasn't really to address the question .. just a tangent)

 

Good for you, and for your dh. This type of material is a disservice to women and to marital relationships in general.

[LucyStoner]

I am sure most men with a sex drive find sex to be a comfort but I doubt that every man has a sex drive that mean he wants that comfort every single day. I know I certainly find sex to be a comfort and need. What writers like this one fail to realize is that their life and preferences can not be generalized to THE ideal for everyone else. A great way to turn my husband off is to wear perfume and makeup. He considers me in jeans to be as sexy as dresses. So being told to gussy up and always wear a dress is NOT even vaguely helpful advice. We have had seasons where we are fine with infrequent s*x and other seasons where we are both more than happy to have a go more than once a day on average. All seasons are delightful in their own way and it is all a private matter, not something I need to compare to others.

[Juniper]

Blessedwinter, why do you do this to yourself?!!! ;) That stuff is so unhealthy. Runaway dear one, runaway!!!!

 

Approaching my dh and marriage from that perspective almost ruined it. It just belittles men so much. Like someone else said, "What if your dh is snuggler or cuddler?"

 

I was forced to read the book as a staff wife. It made me feel ill, but I thought, "Hey, it's a book and my Sr. Pastor/wife think it's great!" Well you know how that ended for me. :glare:

 

Run away! I do like this book though http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Allies-Rediscovering-Marriage-Becoming/dp/0842318240/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343943029&sr=8-1&keywords=intimate+allies

 

It is actually written by someone with a degree. :D

[Catwoman]

FWIW, I'm totally offended by the suggestion that if I don't jump through all kinds of hoops to make sure my dh is perfectly satisfied every single night, I must be a bad wife. :angry:

 

But as I have said many times in the past, I'm not at all into the whole "submissive Christian wife" thing, particularly when it's taken to this sort of extreme. If it works for others, I think that's great, but neither my dh nor I have even the slightest interest in it.

 

And as Tibbie said, this woman really needs to stop talking about her s*x life.

 

TMI TMI TMI !!!

Edited August 2, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

Or those whose military spouses are deployed for extended periods of time - are they unloved because they are absent from the marriage bed?

 

And if that's the case, should the wife at home try to get some... ummm... "extra-curricular practice" so she can stay on top of her game and perhaps learn some new tricks? Because when her dh finally gets home, she'll have a lot of catching up to do to make sure he feels loved, and how s*xy will it be if she's out of practice? :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm sure it won't be easy, but she needs to do this so her husband will know he's loved when he gets home, so somehow she'll have to find a volunteer to help her out. :rolleyes:

 

And if he's wearing a kilt when he shows up at her door, she should post pictures here.

 

Videos are optional. :drool5:

[Wendi]

I agree that it's pretty ridiculous to say that "all men" need sex every day to feel loved. And stating that men hate having sex with a wife who isn't passionate and into it - wow, talk about heaping a burden on the wife.

 

It seems true that men never seem to be reading books or blogs that insist that all women need romance EVERY DAY. Where are the books/blogs telling men that they must buy a bouquet of roses on their way home from work every day, get the kids to bed, then watch a chick flick while massaging their wife's feet?

 

Wendi

[Catwoman]

I just read a blog about s*x being the greatest comfort a man could have and his #1 need in order to feel loved (this was a Christian blog). The author said we should prepare our bodies and our homes to have s*x each day, make our beds fragrant, our bedrooms exciting, prepare our bodies, etc. She said a man would rather clip hedges outside in the freezing rain than have s*x with a wife who is not into it and fully passionate. This is someone who has 12 children, so it's not like she isn't busy enough as it is.

 

She is getting this from the "For Women Only" book and the survey inside. I am wondering, if this is true, how do young boys grow up feeling loved?

 

Kristi, if you're taking the time to read blogs like that one, you really do need that vacation. ;)

 

Go anywhere! :D

[Catwoman]

I agree that it's pretty ridiculous to say that "all men" need sex every day to feel loved. And stating that men hate having sex with a wife who isn't passionate and into it - wow, talk about heaping a burden on the wife.

 

Yeah, it's not enough that she submits; she also has to be an enthusiastic p*rn star about it, too.

 

Every. Day.

 

Every. Single. Day.

 

Even on days when she has the flu, the kids are sick, her MIL is visiting, she has her p*riod, her grandma died, she lost her job, and she accidentally set herself on fire in the kitchen (although, all things considered, maybe she did it on purpose to put an end to her misery.)

 

Oh, please.

 

And what kind of rotten, lousy husband would demand s*x every single day, just to "feel loved?" Exactly how insecure is this h*rny idiot of which we speak???

 

Not that I have strong feelings on this issue or anything. :glare:

[justamouse]

:svengo:

[justamouse]

Blessedwinter, why do you do this to yourself?!!! ;) That stuff is so unhealthy. Runaway dear one, runaway!!!!

 

Approaching my dh and marriage from that perspective almost ruined it. It just belittles men so much. Like someone else said, "What if your dh is snuggler or cuddler?"

 

I was forced to read the book as a staff wife. It made me feel ill, but I thought, "Hey, it's a book and my Sr. Pastor/wife think it's great!" Well you know how that ended for me. :glare:

 

Run away! I do like this book though http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Allies-Rediscovering-Marriage-Becoming/dp/0842318240/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343943029&sr=8-1&keywords=intimate+allies

 

It is actually written by someone with a degree. :D

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::

[Kathryn]

Yeah, it's not enough that she submits; she also has to be an enthusiastic p*rn star about it, too.

 

Every. Day.

 

Every. Single. Day.

 

Even on days when she has the flu, the kids are sick, her MIL is visiting, she has her p*riod, her grandma died, she lost her job, and she accidentally set herself on fire in the kitchen (although, all things considered, maybe she did it on purpose to put an end to her misery.)

 

Oh, please.

 

And what kind of rotten, lousy husband would demand s*x every single day, just to "feel loved?" Exactly how insecure is this h*rny idiot of which we speak???

 

Not that I have strong feelings on this issue or anything. :glare:

 

I laughed at this. I shouldn't because apparently, this *is* somebody's life, but the thought of this just seems so outlandish.