sometimes being the strong one sucks

[ktgrok]

So, my mom came up this past weekend to stay the night with my niece so that my sister and BIL could stay at a hotel and rest. My sister had a cold I guess,and my mom worries that she is very tired. Sister is working full time, and is 34 weeks pregnant, so I'm sure she is. This was all my mother's idea. That's great.

 

Meanwhile, I'm also 34 weeks pregnant, and just got the RSVP info for my shower that is in two weeks. My mom is not coming. She's been up here a lot and is just going to wait until the babies come. (she lives 3 hours away).

 

I'm not terribly upset, but it does just seem kind of wrong. This is not the first time she has come up to stay and take care of my niece so my sister can rest. Plus she will stay with her for a few weeks I think after she has her c-section. She won't stay here at all, as we have no guest room and she doesn't like the hotel that is closest. (I'm 40 minutes from my sister, maybe a bit less).

 

really, I don't need her to stay here. But not coming to the baby shower, when she drives up all the time for whatever reason to see my sister...that just seems kind of wrong.

[Meriwether]

:grouphug:

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry!

[Lawana]

:iagree:I can't post details, but I'm right there with you sista.

 

ETA It really does suck being the one that others can say about, "She'll be fine, I don't need to do anything."

Edited August 2, 2012 by Lawana

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Reflections]

I'm sorry.:grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[VeritasMama]

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

BTDT for years.

[Plink]

Trying to think of something helpful to say, but I can't come up with anything other than "you are an awesome daughter for not pitching a fit." Seriously, I can't believe people can be so insensitive.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Cammie]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. The thing is, they probably all have this awesome image of you as some type of superwoman who never needs support or help. However, we all like a little support some times - even us superwomen!

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Possibly, but I have always thought being the weak one would suck more.

[besroma]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Lawana]

Possibly, but I have always thought being the weak one would suck more.

Yes. That. But since depency needs seem almost universal, it really sucks when they are repeatedly denied because of them being defined away. As in, "You're strong, you don't need anything."

 

It is only surprising in how common it is.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ktgrok]

thanks for all the hugs! I am strong, and I will be fine. It just kind of...well...is wrong I guess. When my daughter was born she came by for 30 minutes to see her, then stopped by the next evening with some fast food for us, and that was it. She will stay weeks with my sister. And i get that she is having a c-section. But, I had a c-section with my first, and again, i got one casserole. (but man, I was grateful for it! It was the only non frozen dinner I had for a few weeks, lol.)

 

And honestly, I don't think my sister is anywhere near as fragile as my mom thinks she is.

[Night Elf]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. :( My mom once told me that she didn't realize I was upset that she did things for my sister that she didn't do for me. She told me it was a compliment to me because she knew I was capable of getting by without specific help. I chalked it up to her making the best decisions she could based on her specific abilities and reasons and tried to let it go. I didn't let it go completely of course because it still hurt. I did get better with it though.

[Verity]

:grouphug:

[ktgrok]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. :( My mom once told me that she didn't realize I was upset that she did things for my sister that she didn't do for me. She told me it was a compliment to me because she knew I was capable of getting by without specific help. I chalked it up to her making the best decisions she could based on her specific abilities and reasons and tried to let it go. I didn't let it go completely of course because it still hurt. I did get better with it though.

 

Yes, this exactly. What is funny is she has told me she DOES feel guilty for certain things...like spending lots of time with my sister at her softball tournements and such, and not with me while i was in highschool. Which cracks me up, because honestly I didn't want her hanging around in highschool. But this kind of stuff, going on now, she seems clueless about.

 

She does often say "you and your family should drive down here, and I'll watch the kids while you go out to dinner and have a date with your hubby." As if I have time to drive the whole family 3 hours, get a dog sitter for the animals, etc, just to go out to dinner. But she drives up here to stay with my sister so she can have a night off. sigh.

 

Oh, and while she was here I thought about asking her to watch my dd just for an hour so I could get a pedicure (swollen pregnant feet). I figured I'd drive the 40 minutes to my sisters, drop my DD off for time with her cousin and grandma, and then pick her up. But my niece had a cold, AGAIN (I am not exaggerating when I say that child has never gone 2 full weeks without being sick), so my mom said it was better we stay away. (which is true, i don't want to get sick now, and don't need a sick kid, and my neice's daycare germs are awful.) ONly, when I called my mom on Monday and asked how my niece was she said, "oh, I don't even think she had a cold. She sneezed maybe twice the whole weekend, no fever, no runny nose, nothing." Um..so why didn't you call me? ugh.

[Soror]

Been there done that. Sometimes even the "strong" ones get tired or get sick though.

[Mommyfaithe]

:iagree:I can't post details, but I'm right there with you sista.

 

ETA It really does suck being the one that others can say about, "She'll be fine, I don't need to do anything."

 

:iagree::iagree:

I have always been the care GIVER. When I fell apart, not one person came to help......oh, she will be fine! She is strong! Heck yeah, I am strong! I have to be! Can't depend on anyone to be strong for me once in a while......Jeesh! It just burns me up...can ya tell??

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Well, I will just keep on being the strong one....but, I am not so quick to burn myself out being "there" for everyone else.

[ktgrok]

:iagree::iagree:

I have always been the care GIVER. When I fell apart, not one person came to help......oh, she will be fine! She is strong! Heck yeah, I am strong! I have to be! Can't depend on anyone to be strong for me once in a while......Jeesh! It just burns me up...can ya tell??

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Well, I will just keep on being the strong one....but, I am not so quick to burn myself out being "there" for everyone else.

 

I will say, I know there are there if I do NEED them. When I got divorced I asked to stay with them, and they welcomed me and my son with open arms. Its just the little stuff.

[amyable]

I have always been the care GIVER. When I fell apart, not one person came to help......oh, she will be fine! She is strong! Heck yeah, I am strong! I have to be! Can't depend on anyone to be strong for me once in a while......Jeesh! It just burns me up...can ya tell??

 

.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

More hugs for the OP, and all of us strong women :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kelly1730]

:grouphug: You're right, sometimes it's hard to be the "strong" one. I hope your mother has a change of heart.

[Chris in VA]

Maybe she needs to hear you need your mom to nurture you a little more. She can't read your mind.

Said in the gentlest way--I'm sorry, that didn't come out very gently. :grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

Maybe she needs to hear you need your mom to nurture you a little more. She can't read your mind.

Said in the gentlest way--I'm sorry, that didn't come out very gently. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Squeak wheel! Squeak!

[Soror]

Maybe she needs to hear you need your mom to nurture you a little more. She can't read your mind.

Said in the gentlest way--I'm sorry, that didn't come out very gently. :grouphug:

 

I know I've told my own mom more than once very bluntly- (hey it would be nice if you help- I could use you- it hurts my feelings when you help them and not me-) and it makes her feel bad but it doesn't change her actions.

[Kathryn]

Trying to think of something helpful to say, but I can't come up with anything other than "you are an awesome daughter for not pitching a fit." Seriously, I can't believe people can be so insensitive.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree::grouphug: the insensitive mom threads are getting to me lately after another round of issues with my own.

[*********]

Could you just be honest with her? Tell your mom how you're feeling? I mean, I have no frame of reference, since my own mother abandonded me and my stepmother much perfers her biological daughter over me. But I'm thinking on to when my boys are grown, and I would want them to just tell me if they felt slighted by me in some way.

 

Of course, you know your mom best, so perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

Either way, :grouphug:. I get it.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: I am right there with you. I have to say, knowing I was on my own no matter what, has made me stronger. I think I could handle pretty much anything (with God's help).

 

It has made me very careful to be there for my sons and their wives. They know they can count on me, AND know it's okay if they want to handle something without me. I don't make it about me.

[ktgrok]

Could you just be honest with her? Tell your mom how you're feeling? I mean, I have no frame of reference, since my own mother abandonded me and my stepmother much perfers her biological daughter over me. But I'm thinking on to when my boys are grown, and I would want them to just tell me if they felt slighted by me in some way.

 

Of course, you know your mom best, so perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

Either way, :grouphug:. I get it.

 

I thought about it, but what do I say? Hey mom, wish you would come to my shower? I would think the invitation already said that. As for help, she does offer that I can come down there, she just doesn't come here. I think that was the same when I lived 30 minutes away, actually.

 

She loves me, she just says that I'm "easy going", where as my sister calls her crying all the time. I think I'll just be happy that I don't have to cry about my life very often I guess :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I thought about it, but what do I say? Hey mom, wish you would come to my shower? I would think the invitation already said that. As for help, she does offer that I can come down there, she just doesn't come here. I think that was the same when I lived 30 minutes away, actually.

 

She loves me, she just says that I'm "easy going", where as my sister calls her crying all the time. I think I'll just be happy that I don't have to cry about my life very often I guess :)

 

In a way, yes, I think you do need to say that. The invitation is sent out to all friends and family. She needs to know specifically that it is important to you to have your mom with you for this. So try, "Hey mom, wish you would come to my shower. It would mean a lot to me to share that time with you as well as my friends."

[Stacia]

:grouphug:

[Impish]

In a way, yes, I think you do need to say that. The invitation is sent out to all friends and family. She needs to know specifically that it is important to you to have your mom with you for this. So try, "Hey mom, wish you would come to my shower. It would mean a lot to me to share that time with you as well as my friends."

:iagree: