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What do you do when ALL of your kids are "high needs"?


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First of all, this really isn't a JAWM thread. I need actual advice here.

 

ALL of my kids are in "high needs" seasons right now. I have NO idea how to cope.

 

DD7 & DS6 are each in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD. DD7 is very, very emotional. DS6 is very, very, very, very hyperactive.

 

DD3 is ... 3. She is obstinate, pushing boundaries, and trying to exert her tiny authority. DS 10mos is teething, growing, and not sleeping AT ALL.

 

Individually, I know what to do about all of this. I know I need to listen and empathize with DD7. I know she needs attention and conversation and constructive activities to feel good. DS6 needs ACTIVITY. He needs to run and he needs a good strong routine. He probably needs medication (sigh. sigh. sigh.). He needs an understanding parent and an advocate and someone to be patient with him. DD3 needs a firm parent, constant reinforcement and redirection. And major consistency. DS10 mos needs to be snuggled. Lots of snuggles.

 

My problem, though, is how am I supposed to do these things ALL AT ONCE?? When it's quiet time and DD3 WILL NOT stay in her room and is screaming in anger, and DS10 mos is crying because he is exhausted and needs to nurse and nap, and DD7 wants to talk because she is upset and DS6 is trying to be quiet but just. can't. do. it. and then wakes up the baby and and and... you know??

 

Every one of them needs me. And needs a lot of me. And needs me to be the grown up. But I am exhausted and so tired of putting out fires right and left. DH is so helpful, but he still has to work during the day. That leaves me up all night with the non-sleeping baby and up all day with the non sleeping baby & toddler.

 

Hive, please tell me you have a silver bullet or a magic pill :001_smile:

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Magic pill....liqour? I have that, come over.

 

So I only have two, but they seem to go through their "things" at the same time. I try to figure out what situation comes up the most, and try to figure out how to fix that. It used to be showering for DS (he has major OCD about things) and clothes for DD(literally could not get the kid to decide what to wear without a melt down.) There was a period of time about a year ago when all that got me through the day with a smile was knowing I could crack a bottle when DH got home. I know, I'm really helpful right? I do have sympathy.

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Cry?

 

Not a silver bullet, but would silver duck tape help?

 

Seriously, be sure you have some alone time. Even if you just take a book to the bath late at night, try to escape a little bit. Escape and before you return remind yourself that they do grow up. It won't always be this way.

 

HTH-

Mandy

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You have to take care of yourself or you on't be able to take care of them . Taking care of yourself is different to different people . For me that means exercise, even when I'm tired and don't sleep. For you it could be something else. But before daddy goes to work or when daddy gets home you need to do it at ever it s.

 

When mine were that age I seriously enforced afternoon quiet time. It won't be quiet at first, but make it part of the routine and stick to it. I also require exercise can you o a group walk daily. Maybe you can find a loop that passes a couple of park p,aygrounds .do it daily--part of the routine.

 

Getting in a routine is painful. Work to get on one and stick to it.

 

Then when you star to breath a little keep investigating about what dx and treatment plan is best.

 

I have to go. :grouphug:

Edited by betty
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I never thought I'd say something like this, but: TV! For at least a while when you need some down time.

 

And, are there any ways that the two olders could help with the two youngers while getting their needs met? For example, could your 6yo take your 3yo and romp while you hold the 10mo? Could your 7yo put some of those emotions to work by cuddling the 10mo while you time-in the 3yo?

 

The other option, if you can afford it, is to temporarily hire a mother's helper so you can effectively be in two places at once.

 

Good luck! I only have 2, but when they were recently home through adoption, I had some times when I felt it was too much. This too shall pass.

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Ok I thought of something. Can you find a mother's helper type? A nice teen or someone who can just play with them? There is a very nice 12 year old girl on the block. I always picture her as perfect for someone with a few littles just to entertain for a while. I notice with mine, someone else may not be as ideal as myself, as in not knowing exactly the perfect thing to do all the time, but others seem to be able to keep them entertained. KWIM? You could try to find someone say, just to keep the 3 year old busy with toddler stuff.

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I'd use TV and video games for a breather.

 

Then I'd schedule specific times of day for one on one with the kids. Maybe one needs the help with dishes and the other with laundry.

 

Can you nurse the baby and rub the toddler's back at the same time?

 

When I had a houseful of little ones and ran a day care, I blocked off all but the main living areas (kitchen and LR) so that I could be fully aware of all that was happening all the time. It helped keep the bedrooms cleaner, but I was also able to stay on top of behavior before it escalated.

 

I could watch for when one child was getting annoyed or angry. I could settle squabbles before they went so far. I was preventing issues, rather than putting out fires.

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Take them all to the park. Wear out the 3-year old so she naps. The 6-year old can get his exercise out and might even sit for 30 minutes of videos. The baby can nurse at the park and possibly nap while you hold him. When the youngest are in bed talk to the 7-year old.

 

Any other problems I can help you with today. (smile, that was a joke and me being a total smart a$$)

 

:D

 

:lol:

 

:grouphug:

 

I hope it gets better soon.

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I try to set aside a short amount of high quality time for each child. So they may each only get 15-20 minutes, but that is there time. I don't announce it or anything, I just grab the kid when the opportunity arises and engage in the activities that I know are important to them.

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First, some :grouphug:

Next, a suggestion that will probably not be popular but when I was at my absolute wits end a few months ago, I finally put a little latch hook thingy on the outside of Chunky's bedroom door. He was NOT napping anymore and it was seriously driving me nuts. I spent hours just sitting in the hall and putting him back to bed literally 100s of times. Bedtime was no different. It went on for weeks and weeks and was physically &mentally exhausting.Yes it was a drastic measure -but it worked. He now naps for 2+ hours every afternoon and 99% of the time, he doesn't try to "escape".

 

You would really not believe what a difference it has made in our days. I now have time to spend with the others and I am far less stressed!

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Are you trying to get the 3 yr. old to nap or just have quiet time? She may be beyond naps. Quiet time should be something special, something that makes them want to sit quietly. I know people say not to use the tv as a sitter, but I really don't see anything wrong with a special tv hour each day if it means letting the baby get a little rest. And only let them watch special Quiet Time shows, that they do not watch at any other time of the day. Would she sit quietly for playdoh? a puzzle? math manipulatives? coloring book with washable markers? A large dry erase board? But it should be things she can only do during Quiet Time. This could cause tantrums at other times but if she can do something anytime she wants then it isn't special anymore, kwim?

 

This isn't an activity, but I would suggest an exercise ball for your ds6. When my son was that age, he sat on one to do schoolwork and even to eat at the table. He would bounce for a while then stop to work/eat, then bounce for a while, then stop to work/eat, etc.

 

That's all I got at the moment, except lots and lots of :grouphug:!

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I feel your pain.

 

My kids probably don't have quite as many intense needs, but they are still intense.

 

My toddler spent a lot of time in the Ergo from 6 months to about 18 months or 2 years of age. Fussy, teething, cranky, etc. seemed more manageable knowing he was being carried and loved. I also knew where he was and he couldn't get into as much trouble ;)

 

Have you tried building in some sensory diet activities into your schedule for your ADHD type kids? Maybe bouncing on a mini trampoline while reciting math facts, lots of pushing, pulling, carrying heavy stuff, scrubbing things, etc. if they'll go for that? Ditto using an exercise ball for seating, or if that's too unmanageable, something like a move n' sit cushion?

 

http://www.amazon.com/Fitball-Move-n-Sit/dp/B000CSNTAS

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The best thing I did when my kids were about those ages was to hire a mother's helper. Having someone come over for 2-3 hours 2-3 times a week was a sanity-saver. During that time my husband and I made sure to have one date night each week. Having help and making time for dates helped me tremendously.

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How's your day going Kristen?

 

 

Thanks for asking :001_smile:! It's going better. I made it through the depths of despair that I used to call "Rest Time".

 

DS6 fell asleep (he still naps every now and then, he is just SO high octane) and I put the other three in the girls room with the iPad and Super Why on netflix. Then I poured a small glass of wine, turned on some music, cried, and then got out my notebook and colored sharpies and proceeded to try to make a new game plan for those times of the day that seem to always produce a crisis: rest time, 5pm, and bedtime. It still needs lots of tweaking and input from DH, but with all of your suggestions I think that I can power through this.

 

Thank you all SO MUCH for the hugs and sympathy. I read them and just burst out crying. I really needed some one to understand and you all did. Thanks :)

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This isn't an activity, but I would suggest an exercise ball for your ds6. When my son was that age, he sat on one to do schoolwork and even to eat at the table. He would bounce for a while then stop to work/eat, then bounce for a while, then stop to work/eat, etc.

 

That's all I got at the moment, except lots and lots of :grouphug:!

 

:iagree:

 

I have high needs kids. My oldest is gifted, which means he gets overly emotional and needs lots of attention and stimulation. My next is ADHD, though we haven't used medication. My ds 7 has social anxiety, and is VERY emotional, as is my ds 5 who bounces off the walls. My 10 mo. old is teething and wants to be on my hip 24 hours a day. My 2 yo is a perfect child, LOL, she is always happy and very low maintenance.

 

My 10 yo with ADHD is back in school now, but when he was 6 he could not sit. I had him sit on a ball. We never did any lessons that were longer than 15 minutes, we are CMer's anyway so this was the way our days were planned to begin with. Honestly, many of the CM methods worked really well for all my kids, finding her writings was a real "aha" moment for our homeschool.

 

After every single activity I would send him out for 10 minutes to jump on the trampoline. We lived in a warmer climate then, so I could do this all year, but I would invest in a small indoor trampoline if you can.

 

Another thing that works well with ADHD is spinning. We had a fancy spinner for kids at the school I worked in, but a spinning office chair would work just as well. If my son was having trouble concentrating, I would tell him to go spin himself. A few spins and he could sit still again (at least until his work was done).

 

I also would suggest having your oldest take care of the 3 year old, it would give her a sense of importance and self worth and give you a break to be with the baby.

 

Take heart, this is a season, and it will pass. Try to take care of yourself and you will get through it!

 

ETA: I just wanted to add that my son with ADHD has never been medicated, but his symptoms have decreased as he has matured and many of them have disappeared. It was really up to us whether we wanted to medicate or not, and I'm glad we chose not to. I'm not saying that your son doesn't need medication, but if you can hang in there his symptoms might improve with age :)

Edited by VeritasMama
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First of all, this really isn't a JAWM thread. I need actual advice here.

 

ALL of my kids are in "high needs" seasons right now. I have NO idea how to cope.

 

DD7 & DS6 are each in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD. DD7 is very, very emotional. DS6 is very, very, very, very hyperactive.

 

DD3 is ... 3. She is obstinate, pushing boundaries, and trying to exert her tiny authority. DS 10mos is teething, growing, and not sleeping AT ALL.

 

Individually, I know what to do about all of this. I know I need to listen and empathize with DD7. I know she needs attention and conversation and constructive activities to feel good. DS6 needs ACTIVITY. He needs to run and he needs a good strong routine. He probably needs medication (sigh. sigh. sigh.). He needs an understanding parent and an advocate and someone to be patient with him. DD3 needs a firm parent, constant reinforcement and redirection. And major consistency. DS10 mos needs to be snuggled. Lots of snuggles.

 

My problem, though, is how am I supposed to do these things ALL AT ONCE?? When it's quiet time and DD3 WILL NOT stay in her room and is screaming in anger, and DS10 mos is crying because he is exhausted and needs to nurse and nap, and DD7 wants to talk because she is upset and DS6 is trying to be quiet but just. can't. do. it. and then wakes up the baby and and and... you know??

 

Every one of them needs me. And needs a lot of me. And needs me to be the grown up. But I am exhausted and so tired of putting out fires right and left. DH is so helpful, but he still has to work during the day. That leaves me up all night with the non-sleeping baby and up all day with the non sleeping baby & toddler.

 

Hive, please tell me you have a silver bullet or a magic pill :001_smile:

 

:grouphug: I do so wish I had a magic pill to give you. It's a season, it will pass. Sounds like you're on the right track by at least knowing what to do. Keep your expectations of yourself reasonable, and somehow try to get some down time for yourself!

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