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Dealing with clingy 8yo DS


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My DS8 doesn't have traditional separation anxiety, and never really has. He has the normal amount of hesitation going with new adults or children in new situations, and no problems at all if it's a regular event like sunday school, cub scouts, etc. However at home it's a completely different story. The boy canNOT be in a room by himself. We don't live in a very big house, 1K sq ft and only one story. But I can't be out of line of sight without my little shadow behind me. I can't go outside and check the mail without him at least waiting on the porch. I can't even go to the restroom in my bathroom without him sitting on my bed waiting for me. :glare:

 

This is particularly problematic because he can't go to sleep by himself in his own room. He comes out every 5 minutes for various made up reasons, but I think it's really because he can't stand (scared? nervous?) being by himself. This ends up in him not going to sleep for HOURS, and usually not until midnight or 1am. This is really cutting into any personal time for DH and I.

 

Has anyone else had a child scared to be alone? Is there a way to help him feel more comfortable and secure on being alone? I think if we can fix this, that his sleep issues may improve, which will also help some other behavior issues we're managing. Because a chronically sleep deprived child is SUCH a joy to be around. :tongue_smilie:

 

CLARIFYING: Thanks, but I don't help with the sleep issue specifically. I need ideas to help DS8 feel more comfortable being by himself. He can't walk down the hallway to his room by himself. He can't play in his room by himself. He can't even stand watching me out the window while I check the mail. He *has* to be outside with me. He's freaked out the time or two I've gone out in the garage or to the bathroom without him noticing me leaving. He's well and truly scared. :( The sleep problems are just a symptom of a bigger issue.

Edited by photojenic
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:grouphug:

 

My 8 yr. old is not particularly clingy, but he also doesn't like to be alone. He won't go upstairs or downstairs by himself. He still wants dh or me to sleep with him, so one of us lies down with him until he falls asleep. It's much easier than trying to make him go to bed by himself.

 

I figure he'll outgrow it in a few years. For now, I just let him be how he is.

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My 8 yo also is more clingy than my others were . . .doesnt like to be left outside alone. We have always laid with him until he falls asleep, but finally this year i can leave when he's really sleepy but not yet asleep. I have always felt that if you meet your child where they are, they will mature on their own schedule. After all, this kid would NOT poop unless I was in the bathroom with him . . . until maybe age 6? I mean, he would NOT go at school, not in daycare either. And then within a 6 mo period . . he locks me out of the bathroom. I never really pushed it, but when he was ready, he was ready.

 

i do look forward to the day we can stop the bedtime routine, but for now it works for us.

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I have 4 kids who very independent, but two of them needed company to fall asleep. I didn't think that was a big issue, as I did know others who did family bed etc. I think 8 is a tricky age. They no longer believe their parents control the world and all the bad things in it.

 

At this point, given my own experiences, I would stay with him as drifted off to sleep, or I would read him to sleep., or let him listen to a nice audio book etc.

 

I would also let him sleep on a inflatable twin mattress, or in a sleeping bag in your room if he wanted. If you have a CA King, and he is not a thrasher, let him in with you. None of my kids sleep in my bed any longer, but there were years one wondered. ;)

Edited by LibraryLover
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**bumping one more time.** I guess no has a child like mine? :confused:

 

 

I have had two. We stayed with them as they fell off to sleep. We read them to sleep, stayed wth them as they relaxed into sleep, or set up a calm audio book for them. Once they were asleep, we were able to be together as a couple for several hours. (If you're talking about sex, I have to say that even our most difficult child gave us plenty of time. If you need more than an hour several times a week, I can't help you. lol) If a child woke in the night, they crawled into our bed, or one of us crawled into theirs. It was outgrown. I promise you that my 23, 19, & 18 years olds no longer sleep with us in our bed. Even the youngest only does when her Dad is away. It's far too crowded with 3. lol

 

One of mine didn't even like to use the upstairs bathroom alone, even in the middle of the day, at that age. DH is now all grown up and moved out of state.

Edited by LibraryLover
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All three of mine were like this at around 6/7/8. I couldn't leave the room without being followed, or at least getting a panicked "Where are you going?" question. At baseball practice I had to stand in a certain spot by the fence and not move so that my son could see me the entire time. I could go out to the garage to do laundry and KNOW that 2 seconds later there would be a child beside me asking what I was doing (not much else to do in the garage besides laundry!).

 

It was a phase. They all grew out of it. But it sure got old when we were in the middle of it!

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I think you should work with him to spend time alone, but in a safe way that will not freak him out. In other words, don't just move away or out of the house without telling him exactly where you are going. Tell him specifically that you are going to get the mail and you want him to wait inside the house. Tell him he can watch out the window and you can wave to him as you come back up the driveway. Explain to him that he needs to learn to be in a room by himself sometimes. Tell him to walk down the hall and into his room to get something and bring it back, like a toy to play with. When he's finished, have him walk back to his room. Do you have two rooms next to one another where he can sit and play in one but still be able to see you in the next room? Give him rewards when he can sit by himself for a certain time period.

 

Ask him in a very non-threatening way why he insists on being next to you all day. He might be able to articulate his reasons. Just don't brush them off, because they are very real to him. If he's scared, see if he can explain exactly why. For example, if he's scared someone will come in, offer to walk him to his room. Check out the surroundings. Have him pick out something to do and tell him you're going to be gone for 2 minutes, and then actually return exactly when you say you will. He needs to build trust if he's going to feel safe.

 

I had to sit with my oldest child when she was going to bed for years. She was probably your son's age by the time she would stay in her room at night. I read her story after story and sang her songs until she was fast asleep before I even attempted to leave the room. But I was lucky that she didn't wake up in the middle of the night. Every night I walked into her closet and moved things around so she could see I was checking it. I looked under her dresser and bed. I bought her a special pillow that we prayed over to be her comfort object. I kept a low watt bulb in her lamp (night lights were too dim) and a CD player that played very soft bedtime music. Yes, it was a lot of bother, but she did eventually grow out of it. And to be honest, my dd14 needed music too, and she still listens to it at night. But I listen to a rain track while I'm going to sleep so I don't see anything wrong with it. :)

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I have that kid. He is 8. I guess I've just learned to live with it and not let it bother me. I figure he will grow out of it. The only time he is upset, is when he thinks I am upset at him for it, KWIM? Otherwise, he is perfectly fine jumping and running as fast as he can to peak out the garage door and make sure I didn't run away from the joint when I just need to grab something. :lol:

 

Seriously, this summer we had some work done outside. There was a crew here for a full week. I could NOT open the door without him jumping up. If I had to go outside to talk to one of them he would cry. He didn't even try to go find me, he would just run upstairs look out the window and cry. I come in and he is fine. He worries about me. He's like the sweetest kid in the world. Do anything for anyone type. But yeah, it gets a bit annoying at times. Funny thing is, he likes to be alone too. As in, I can see you, but don't talk to me kind of thing.

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If you have a child who needs more, you can give more, or you can suffer the consequences. You cannot change the child you have in to a different child. I feel like my needy children have really broken me as a person in some ways, but as they get older, i start to at least believe I may some day again be something like the person I used to be, a person who enjoys her days and feels in control of her life.

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I appreciate everyone's replies. I think part of my struggle is that everyone in my life (family, professionals) keeps telling me there is something "wrong" with him and his behavior. That he's going to grow up and be emotionally scarred, dependent, helpless, etc. Take your pick.

 

I really would like for him to feel better and more brave about being in a room by himself, to give him a feeling of self-sufficiency and empowerment. I think I need to change my own thinking; to embrace who he is right now. And gradually introducing opportunities to be on his own, even if it's just a few seconds at a time. The last thing I want is for him to feel "punished" or "bad" about something that's (hopefully) a temporary quirk.

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Well, it sounds like he's not happy being this way. I don't think it would hurt his self-esteem or self-image if you were to get him some help, so he could learn to feel less anxiety. Anxiety doesn't usually get better on its own--or, perhaps more rightly, it can get better a heck of a lot faster if you know what to do with it. It doesn't mean he's "broken" or "less than" if he gets help.

 

I think part of my struggle is that everyone in my life (family, professionals) keeps telling me there is something "wrong" with him and his behavior. That he's going to grow up and be emotionally scarred, dependent, helpless, etc. Take your pick.

 

Aren't YOU saying something is wrong with his behaviour? If nothing was wrong, you wouldn't have asked for advice. It's okay to have something "wrong."

Edited by Chris in VA
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Aren't YOU saying something is wrong with his behaviour? If nothing was wrong, you wouldn't have asked for advice. It's okay to have something "wrong."

 

Yes and no, I guess. I sometimes fall victim to the comparison trap.... like all 8 yo olds should be doing __fill in the blank__ by this age.

 

Also, the people in my life keep pointing out his "deficiencies." They tell me I'm going to harm him mentally/emotionally because we haven't been making him sleep in his own bed from infancy, and that by 8yrs old we shouldn't still be having issues. And that there is something terribly wrong about staying in the room with him until he falls asleep. And the sad, knowing looks they give me when they learn that I can't get out of his sight at his age. I try to blow their comments off, but truthfully it makes me start wondering and second guessing myself.

 

I think I need to keep reminding myself that there is a wide range of "normal," and that most of us don't fit into nice, neat little check-marked lists. :tongue_smilie:

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and mom knows best! there are many ways to raise healthy kids, but not all kids are flexible! if his anxiety starts to really bother him or interfere with things he really wants to do, then its time to seek professional help. IMO. Trust yourself and your child!

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I appreciate everyone's replies. I think part of my struggle is that everyone in my life (family, professionals) keeps telling me there is something "wrong" with him and his behavior. That he's going to grow up and be emotionally scarred, dependent, helpless, etc. Take your pick.

 

I really would like for him to feel better and more brave about being in a room by himself, to give him a feeling of self-sufficiency and empowerment. I think I need to change my own thinking; to embrace who he is right now. And gradually introducing opportunities to be on his own, even if it's just a few seconds at a time. The last thing I want is for him to feel "punished" or "bad" about something that's (hopefully) a temporary quirk.

 

I think you are completely on the right track with your feelings. I hesitated to post at first because when you asked for more suggestions, I thought you wanted something to "fix" him. I have seen some of this in two of my children, and I have always tried to give more to them emotionally when they are like this....treating it like a hole that needs to be filled.

 

You are right...this is who he is now. Just because you meet his needs will not mean that this is who he will be at an older age. I would not even discuss it with him.

 

DS was this way at age 5...terrified of going down the hall to his room by himself for no reason (no scary movies watched ever, no traumatic episode of being lost). Every time he said he was scared, we called DD (age 3) to go with him. He was *perfectly* fine with that. He never saw the humor of the fact that he was two years older than she and that he was the one who was scared. We have fond memories of seeing them go down the stairs together to the scary basement with his little sister making him feel safe enough to go! He is outgrowing this stage pretty quickly with no so-called "intervention," and thankfully, no shame. I don't think he will even remember it.

 

I would ignore those telling you that your actions will result in him being emotionally dependent, etc. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.

Edited by besroma
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Only you know, but from my experience this is *normal* behavior for many children, especially if they are very bright. They begin to wake up to the fact that Mommy and Daddy cannot prevent or fix everything. Their minds run wild, even if they don't watch scary TV.

 

This, ime, is a stage. If he's 12 or 13 and can't leave your side, then I would be cocerned. But at 8? No. IME, this is what many 8 yr olds are like. It doesn't mean you don't ask them to do things. I would tell my 8 yr old that I would wait down near the stairs while he went to the bathroom. I stopped going with him upstairs after a bit. He knew I was right there (well, not always, I waited to hear the toilet flush and then scooted to the bottom of the stairs). "See? No problem; the upstairs bathroom is a perfectly good and safe bathroom, and I'm right here."

 

I suppose it might sound crazy. However, the kid has flown the coop and lives happily in a giant city...which is much scarier than our upstairs bathroom.

 

Don't listen to people tell you what your child *should* be doing. If I have concerns, I will ask someone I really trust (an experienced mother who parents in a similar way), and if I have grave concerns, I will seek out professional help I trust. I don't care what the dentist, or some guy at the bank, or insurance office thinks. Or some cranky aunt who thought slapping her kid was a way to help them grow well.

Edited by LibraryLover
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