marychance Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 DD is 3. She has a little cousin that is 21 months. Whenever the family is all together a dynamic develops where little cousin (We'll call her the Cabbage) is constantly the victim of the Bird in the eyes of the family. Basically if Cabbage is playing with a toy and then Bird shows up with it a time later it is assumed that Bird has violently taken the toy and that she must be punished. This is assumed even if the Cabbage is not crying or showing any signs of being upset. Bird is 3 and shares pretty well for the most part. Her group play is right about average for kids her age. We have several parents in our peer group with other kids ranging in age from 12 months to 6 years old that often play together with little to no trouble. The frustrating part I'm running into is that the Bird no longer wants to go places where she knows Cabbage will be because she knows that she will constantly be in trouble, even when she didn't do anything. She gets tired of her aunts and uncles and grandparents scolding her. The Cabbage is allowed by my brother (her dad) to hit and take toys from Bird because she is smaller. Cabbage has discovered that if she yells the Bird's name loud enough someone will come scold Bird. Its become a game. We've tried taking toys that are only for the Bird so she has something to play with that Cabbage isn't entitled to. The problem with that is Bird is a social kid, offers her toys to Cabbage, and then we're right in the same boat. We try to limit exposure at this point because Bird is basically a good kid, she has the same quirks as any three year old that get dealt with in a reasonable manner. i.e. if I see her robbing another kid of a toy or hitting them she IS in trouble and she knows it. What do I do? There are other kids I don't let her play with because their parents believe that their little angels can do no wrong and no matter what happens it must be the other kid. But this is family. While they feel perfectly entitled to scold my kid, if I say anything to the Cabbage I get jumped on. Its stressing me, my kid, and my relationship with my family. Ok maybe it wasn't so long of a post . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'd come right out and tell family to leave Bird alone or hit the road. Family or not. You get to protect your girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'd come right out and tell family to leave Bird alone or hit the road. Family or not. You get to protect your girl. :iagree: And it took me until my mid-20's to "kind of" like my cousin who was "the Cabbage". Animosity ran deep and long. I like her now and understand some of the dynamics that went into that favoritism (and they were very warranted and valid). But, as kids all I saw was her getting everything. Those type of resentments run deep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I'd come right out and tell family to leave Bird alone or hit the road. Family or not. You get to protect your girl. This! Absolutely!!! They have ZERO right to scold your child. Tell them she is YOUR child, YOUR responsibility and YOU will handle her. NOT them. Grr...the mama bear in me is angry FOR you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would ask the family to bring any behavioral concerns to me and to let me deal with them. I would ask that they don't reprimand her because she is getting afraid of them and feel that more consistent discipline from only one person would help the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I would protect your child by avoiding getting together with them. It is so sad they are treating her this way. What is even more difficult is that although the toy issue may resolve as they get older, some people behave exactly the same way about other issues, always protecting the younger one and punishing the older child. It could be quite damaging to your child to grow up in that kind of environment. Family or not, I would not allow people around my child if they were to treat her like that. It is obviously hurting her....three is such a young age to want to avoid people for reasons other than shyness.....the fact that it is so clear that she picks up on it. You are doing what is right in protecting your child. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I think an ugly dynamic is developing between your dd and the rest of the family. It won't be long until Cabbage understands just what is happening and will purposefully get Bird into trouble. The adults are seeing Bird in a bad light and Bird is learning those adults are just plain mean. This doesn't have to happen just because they are family. I would try to limit contact and if you have to take Bird with you, keep her near you. Tell her she isn't allowed to play with Cabbage. Then when the adults confront you, tell them the truth. Tell them you see them treating the younger one differently and to protect the feelings of EVERYONE, you feel it's better to keep Bird out of the situation. Another idea is to be prepared to leave if another situation develops. Feign a headache if you have to, but just leave. Honestly, I'm a very skeptical person. I do not believe you will ever get through to them. If they see Bird as being a bad little girl, they'll just see as being the overprotective mama Bird trying to keep people from "helping". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marychance Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 Another idea is to be prepared to leave if another situation develops. Feign a headache if you have to, but just leave. Honestly, I'm a very skeptical person. I do not believe you will ever get through to them. If they see Bird as being a bad little girl, they'll just see as being the overprotective mama Bird trying to keep people from "helping". This is where I am now. This morning we stopped by the grandparents to have coffee after errands. The Cabbage/Bird drama happened as per usual. I stood up and said cheefully "Come on Bird its time to go! We have stuff to do" On the way out the door I heard Cabbage-dad muttering "I can't say anything to her kid." This is really a continuation of the situation between me and my brother (cabbage-dad) as kids. I was branded the evil older sister and he was the angelic little brother. The adults got really into it. I grew up thinking it was me and my Dad against the world. My brother and I have overcome what the adults did to us as kids for the most part but they're trying to re-create it with our kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I don't get scolding someone else's three year old, especially if mom is present. In situations like that, if it appears that the parent present is not paying attention or something it's wiser to say, "Hey, sweetie, lets play nice." I think in your shoes, I would be on the floor interacting with the kids if I were to be visiting. That way, I could head off any issues. If someone started to say something to my kid it would be "Hey, I'm right here. I've got it covered." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This is where I am now. This morning we stopped by the grandparents to have coffee after errands. The Cabbage/Bird drama happened as per usual. I stood up and said cheefully "Come on Bird its time to go! We have stuff to do" On the way out the door I heard Cabbage-dad muttering "I can't say anything to her kid." This is really a continuation of the situation between me and my brother (cabbage-dad) as kids. I was branded the evil older sister and he was the angelic little brother. The adults got really into it. I grew up thinking it was me and my Dad against the world. My brother and I have overcome what the adults did to us as kids for the most part but they're trying to re-create it with our kids. Gently...doesn't really sound as if your brother has "overcome" it. I would limit contact. As a child who was "cried wolf" against many times by a near-age female cousin, I can say it would have been better to have spent less time with that child than to end up feeling great ill will towards her in adolescence and have a broken relationship as adults. Stand your watch, mama, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Sounds like there's a Golden Child and it's not your dd (for which you should be grateful, actually). If you know where the Cabbage is planted, let your sweet Birdie fly elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 This is really a continuation of the situation between me and my brother (cabbage-dad) as kids. I was branded the evil older sister and he was the angelic little brother. The adults got really into it. I grew up thinking it was me and my Dad against the world. My brother and I have overcome what the adults did to us as kids for the most part but they're trying to re-create it with our kids. How about talking to your brother about it then? If he understands the situation between the two of you when you were little, then maybe he can see how it's starting between your children. Although he's in a different position now. He's the dad of the "angelic" one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 How about one of those bears with the camera inside and making a little video of one of these scenarios? Your brother might be very embarrassed to see himself as he looks from the outside. Honestly, outside of your brother seeing this in a new light you will need to stay away permanently, because you cannot let your little girl be damaged by this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennynd Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 don't think you need to prove anything. I will tell the Dad that he has no right to say anything or give any looking to the girl. If he has issue, he should talk to you. I will go on and tell family that if that is how your DD gonna get treated, you will not involved in any family function from now on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) I'd come right out and tell family to leave Bird alone or hit the road. Family or not. You get to protect your girl. This! Absolutely!!! They have ZERO right to scold your child. Tell them she is YOUR child, YOUR responsibility and YOU will handle her. NOT them. Grr...the mama bear in me is angry FOR you. :grouphug: I would ask the family to bring any behavioral concerns to me and to let me deal with them. I would ask that they don't reprimand her because she is getting afraid of them and feel that more consistent discipline from only one person would help the situation. don't think you need to prove anything. I will tell the Dad that he has no right to say anything or give any looking to the girl. If he has issue, he should talk to you. I will go on and tell family that if that is how your DD gonna get treated, you will not involved in any family function from now on. :iagree: I'm wondering why you have ever allowed your dd to be treated in this way. It's nice that you want to get along with your family, but your own child's happiness and well-being should absolutely come first. Sounds to me like it's time to start immediately confronting your family members every single time this happens. Defend your child, and if your family members have a problem with it, take your child and go home. And stop being so cheerful about it. Your dd is being BULLIED and SCOLDED -- these are bad things, and are entirely inappropriate. Get tough, Mama!!! :boxing_smiley: Edited July 31, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Oh, my. Please stop taking the Bird into these situations, unless you've cleared the air with your family. The Cabbage is clearly the "darling" and they are going to use the Bird as a scapegoat in every situation that the Cabbage is unhappy. My stepdad tried to do that with my three, he wanted 'the baby' to get whatever he wanted and often yelled at or punished the older ones. I put a stop to that hasty posty. I've also known several families here who give the boys preferential treatment over the girls. These types of situations are a no win for the oldest/girl, it's sad and harmful to their self esteem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 This is really a continuation of the situation between me and my brother (cabbage-dad) as kids. I was branded the evil older sister and he was the angelic little brother. The adults got really into it. I grew up thinking it was me and my Dad against the world. I believe you've answered your original question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I would get tough and call them on the unfair accusations, not let the kids out of my sight or give the "darling" an opportunity to cry wolf, or stop getting together with the other family. "Making nice" to keep the peace with your family shouldn't be at your daughter's expense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 What do I do? There are other kids I don't let her play with because their parents believe that their little angels can do no wrong and no matter what happens it must be the other kid. But this is family. While they feel perfectly entitled to scold my kid, if I say anything to the Cabbage I get jumped on. Its stressing me, my kid, and my relationship with my family. If you continue seeing your family, you must address the issue in red. No one is "entitled" to discipline your child except you. If they have a problem with it, it's time to leave. And nothing is worth a child through this, knowing that they WILL be getting into trouble no matter what they do/don't do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marychance Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 :iagree: I'm wondering why you have ever allowed your dd to be treated in this way. It's nice that you want to get along with your family, but your own child's happiness and well-being should absolutely come first. We are a small, close knit family. On the grand scheme of things we haven't been in this country very long. My brother and I are the first really "Americanized" generation. While the whole individualistic, don't see your family because they do things that make you unhappy does work for some, in this situation it is a little extreme. We're taking a break for a few days to let everyone cool down. I'm going to continue to limit the time the Bird and the Cabbage spend together but the fact of the matter is, they will come in contact with one another and it will happen again. I am going to try to make myself even clearer to the family that I am the only one who disciplines my child. (this will be hard for them because of the old-country top-down matriarchy) I appreciate the support and thoughtful advice everyone has given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
my2boysteacher Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I believe you've answered your original question. :iagree: I notice the same pattern in my family. My sister was the baby, and always very needy. My parents were always cleaning up her messes. I was always expected to be the independent one who could take care of myself. Today, it is unlikely my kids get special time initiated by their grandparents, but sis' kids are always being taken somewhere by the grandparents- clothes shopping, haircuts, birthday parties, etc.... I do worry my kids will start to notice the favoritism. I agree with PPs' that you need to stick up for your daughter, whatever the cost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galatea Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 We are a small, close knit family. On the grand scheme of things we haven't been in this country very long. My brother and I are the first really "Americanized" generation. While the whole individualistic, don't see your family because they do things that make you unhappy does work for some, in this situation it is a little extreme. We're taking a break for a few days to let everyone cool down. I'm going to continue to limit the time the Bird and the Cabbage spend together but the fact of the matter is, they will come in contact with one another and it will happen again. I am going to try to make myself even clearer to the family that I am the only one who disciplines my child. (this will be hard for them because of the old-country top-down matriarchy) I appreciate the support and thoughtful advice everyone has given. The top-down matriarchy exists/existed for a reason -- because that helped people get their needs met. Families were close physically and emotionally because they had to take care of each other. When younger generations are living in homes with older generations, of course the younger defer to their elders. And the elders tried to make life as pleasant as possible because they had to live with the results. That system goes away when you're not all living together. If they don't have to live with their juniors, what incentive to elders have to be polite or even decent? I don't think this is about "things that make you unhappy" so much as it is about not putting up with things that actively HURT your child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Your three year old comes before extended adult family. Avoid them . Family is wayyyyy overrated. I wouldn't go around people like this and I especially wouldn't subject my 3 yr old to it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 The top-down matriarchy exists/existed for a reason -- because that helped people get their needs met. Families were close physically and emotionally because they had to take care of each other. When younger generations are living in homes with older generations, of course the younger defer to their elders. And the elders tried to make life as pleasant as possible because they had to live with the results. That system goes away when you're not all living together. If they don't have to live with their juniors, what incentive to elders have to be polite or even decent? I don't think this is about "things that make you unhappy" so much as it is about not putting up with things that actively HURT your child. I also agree that this is really not about you. It's about your three year old being emotionally abused by family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I'd come right out and tell family to leave Bird alone or hit the road. Family or not. You get to protect your girl. :iagree: Check the weather in hell.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 We are a small, close knit family. On the grand scheme of things we haven't been in this country very long. My brother and I are the first really "Americanized" generation. While the whole individualistic, don't see your family because they do things that make you unhappy does work for some, in this situation it is a little extreme. We're taking a break for a few days to let everyone cool down. I'm going to continue to limit the time the Bird and the Cabbage spend together but the fact of the matter is, they will come in contact with one another and it will happen again. I am going to try to make myself even clearer to the family that I am the only one who disciplines my child. (this will be hard for them because of the old-country top-down matriarchy) I appreciate the support and thoughtful advice everyone has given. At what point does it become "not extreme" to insist that your child not be verbally abused by your family members and physically assaulted by her cousin? :confused: These people aren't doing "things that make you unhappy;" they are making your child miserable to the point where she doesn't want to be with them any more if her cousin will be there. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's time for you to put on your big girl panties and stop "trying" to make yourself clearer that you're the only one who can discipline your child. It's time for you to INSIST on it, and to absolutely, positively accept nothing less than 100% compliance to your demands. Your dd deserves to be treated kindly and fairly. I know a lot of people have trouble standing up to their families, but in this case, you have to either take a firm stance or decide that it's OK for your dd to be miserable. Because if you allow them to get away with their behavior even once, you will have shown your weakness, and nothing will change. And I'm sorry, but if your family is so close-knit, why is it that they feel it's OK to be mean to your little dd? Because that's not what close-knit families do. Again, I don't mean to be so hard on you, but it's almost like you're making excuses. People come to the USA from other countries all the time, and most of them aren't treating the kids in the family in the manner in which your family members are treating your dd -- and if they do, the parents of that child are not obligated to tolerate it. Do you have a dh? If so, how does he feel about all of this? And why hasn't he stepped up to the plate and defended his dd? I know you're worried about the situation, and I know you want to do what's best for your dd, but ultimately you may need to make a choice between seeing these family members or having a happy dd. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if you don't get tough and stay tough, their behavior is not going to change, and your dd will no longer view you as someone who will protect her from harm. I would hate to see that happen. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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