wwyd - let her quit or give it time

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[EKS]

Why can't she go to the classes and not test until she asks to? I mean, assuming that she is qualified to at that point.

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[kalanamak]

I'm sure she could do so. She's completely embarrassed about the way she acted in front of her friends, and is now determined to never go back for that reason. I'm okay with her quitting for awhile, but dh is pretty determined that she's going to continue unless she can come up with a better reason. We have fees due on Monday, so we need to make a decision before then.

 

(ETA: Six? Call me soft, but I would protect a six year old from such misery.)

 

Why is dh so determined?

 

I didn't catch how old your daugher is, but anywhere from 6-14 wild horses wouldn't have gotten me back in their after making a scene, and I would have hated the testing, too.

 

I speak in error, anytime from 4 until now, I wouldn't have wanted to go back. I loved horses growing up. After a couple of falls, I was afraid, but I wanted to go anyway. I had tummy upsets, and wept in my bed the night before lessons, silently, but it was ME pushing me. My parents probably had no clue. Eventually I got to be a good enough rider I lost my fear. But the pushing was from me. I cannot say how crucial that was.

 

I wouldn't get upset child, determined hubby, and fees possibly down the drain in one tangle. ugh.

[2cents]

We've spent many years in martial arts and her reaction sounds very extreme. I wonder if more is going on that she hasn't communicated to you. Maybe she is being picked on by the other children or they are too rough? I've seen many children bullied and the instructors will tell them to 'suck it up' without addressing the excessive use of force. That can be a real problem. I've also seen many dojo's that place great emphasis on speeding through belts and this leaves the children feeling confused and not prepared for more complicated forms. I think that making her go back at this point may be beyond useful since she has already been pushed over the edge. I would let her take a break and if she wants to go back then perhaps look at other dojos that will be more compatible or plan on sitting in on her classes if she goes back to the one she is now attending. You'd be surprised at what goes on in some of those classes. Especially when the instructors are distracted.

[Rebel Yell]

it sounds liek you pay monthly- can you put her membership on hold for one month? take a month of paying, classes, etc. At the end of the month, she'll either beg to go back or be looking for another interest.

 

Possibilities at the current dojo:

 

private testing? Ours does testing at a difficult time, due to space availability in the gym. Many students have tested right in class or at the very end. BabyBaby went in an hour before a scheduled testing for her black belt- and went straight to her piano recital! She was overwhelmed and in tears, and I didn;t get that "cheesy smiley" picture of her that day.

 

Continued class attendance without testing/advancing in rank?

 

put fees on hold and take a break until after Christmas or whenever she;s ready?

 

 

What is it with the "smile" thing/ One of mine does NOT have that "toothpaste ad" smile. She was berated for 3 MILES from a parade leader, in the rain, about smiling. The more she was asked/told to smile, the more upset she got. That day didn;t end well for us, either. :glare:

 

:grouphug: to your little one!

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[Forget-Me-Not]

I agree that a break might be a good idea. She's very, very young. She can pick it up again when she's a little more mature.

 

I wouldn't necessarily buy her reason for freaking out either. I'm not saying she's a liar, I'm just saying that there may be something deeper going on that she can't really verbalize. My son took karate for 2 yrs (ages 5-7) and *hated* that he had to test in front of all the parents and kids that chose to stick around and watch. It didn't bother him during class time when he was in a whole group of kids doing the same thing, but when he had to perform solo at tests it really made him nervous.

[TXBeth]

I don't have advice on whether to let her quit, but I do have a couple of questions.

 

1) They don't let you stay and watch the test?

 

2) Why in the world is she being forced to smile on a day when she's already nervous? Can't she just have a fierce face or something for the pictures?

[bolt.]

I would not subject a small child to a 'recreational' activity that was pushing her over the edge into her meltdown zone. She's telling you that she's not psycologically mature enough for the stress / pressure she is perceiving in that environment. I'd listen.

 

The good news is that she is very young: she will probably be more than ready to try again within a year... But even if she's willing, it's still up to you to decide how much stress she will or won't be able to handle before you let her go back. Readiness is subjective, but you are more likely to know than she is.

[Catwoman]

I would not subject a small child to a 'recreational' activity that was pushing her over the edge into her meltdown zone. She's telling you that she's not psycologically mature enough for the stress / pressure she is perceiving in that environment. I'd listen.

 

The good news is that she is very young: she will probably be more than ready to try again within a year... But even if she's willing, it's still up to you to decide how much stress she will or won't be able to handle before you let her go back. Readiness is subjective, but you are more likely to know than she is.

 

:iagree:

 

And realistically, even if she never wants to take another lesson for the rest of her life, is it really such a big deal? :confused:

 

Personally, I'd let her quit in a heartbeat. Why force a 6yo to continue with something she doesn't enjoy? It's supposed to be fun, not misery. Life doesn't end if a kid doesn't take karate lessons.

 

I do not understand the mindset that says that kids should never be allowed to quit an activity because they don't like it. Who among us doesn't occasionally stop doing something for the sole reason that we don't enjoy it?

 

I would never subject such a little girl to that kind of unnecessary stress.

[kroe1]

I think letting her take a break until she feels ready to try again is certainly a good option for you.

 

But letting her quit will depend on how much this is a family activity. You mentioned there is a sister who goes. How many nights a week? Are you ready to let the younger child go in another direction for another activity? Who will drive the kiddos in opposite directions?

 

The problem with extra-curricular activities is that they take up more and more time as the child ages. Families with multiple kiddos better hope the kiddos all enjoy the same activity(ies) so that nights do not become a carpooling mess.

 

In other words, if you let one child quit karate, is the other daughter ready to try something else, too? If not, you may want to consider the hardship on the family and make the younger daughter stay in karate.

 

My thoughts about the testing are about the same as other sports which "test", i.e. dance competitions, auditions, swim meets, etc. It's just the way it is. Learning how to deal with the pressure is just part of the learning the sport, even if I don't agree with it.

 

:grouphug:

[K&Rs Mom]

The deal here is that they have to finish the season or session or whatever - some sports/activities are monthly, and my dc have been in & out, others are longer and I make them finish whatever they've signed up for. Since it's time to pay again, it sounds like you're at a perfect stopping point, and maybe letting her take a break will help her get back into it later, when she realizes she misses it (especially if a sibling gets to go but she doesn't).

[Katy]

Well my real answer is that you should listen to your own instinct and that no one knows your kid as well as you.

 

But if it were my DC, I think I would treat this like any other embarrassing situation, and make her go back because if you cave to anxiety, anxiety might take over her life. She has to see that while she is important, anxious feelings are not. After a class or two someone else will do something stupid, and they'll forget all about it.

 

Also, what does she think friends are? Someone you're friendly to and work hard to impress? Or someone who genuinely likes you, and supports you even when you're going through something hard?

 

I'd be more worried about that, and her getting the habit of letting social anxiety take over her life than I would anything else. There are books for little kids about anxiety. I saw one the other day that was called something like "Is Your Worry Too Big?" You might find some books like that for her that will give her ways to deal with anxiety.

 

DH would just say she has to go, it's her gym credit. He's as insistent about the importance of martial arts as I am about swimming. Non-negotiable.

[Bonkers247]

This may not apply but my six year old comes up with some of the silliest reasons for things. These reasons are never the real reason why she doesn't want to do something. I would assume there's more to it than having to smile. She's obviously feeling stressed and giving her a break might help her figure out how to tell you what's really going on. Then you can decide from there how to handle things.

[Catwoman]

This may not apply but my six year old comes up with some of the silliest reasons for things. These reasons are never the real reason why she doesn't want to do something. I would assume there's more to it than having to smile. She's obviously feeling stressed and giving her a break might help her figure out how to tell you what's really going on. Then you can decide from there how to handle things.

 

:iagree:

 

It could be something as simple as being nervous about getting up in front of a group, but it could be more than that, and hopefully in time, you'll figure out exactly what it is.

 

One thing, though -- it's not always easy for adults to get up in front of a group of people and do something they're not great at, so I wouldn't be at all upset or surprised at a 6yo having a meltdown in a similar situation.