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Query Letter--Is this better?


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Dear _______,

 

I recently read (an interview) and was excited by your vision for young adult literature and some of the insights you shared in the interview. For that reason, I would like to send you the lyrical first book in a young adult trilogy on a dystopian society in the vein of The Giver. At just over 65,000 words, the first book, entitled First Work,has been written and polished while the other two are very complete rough drafts so that the foreshadowing and big picture have been thoroughly worked through.

 

First Work is the story of Leilia, a sixteen-year-old girl coming of age in an all-female society of artisans. “Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty” --that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.” Keats’ words are misapplied in Leilia’s village to create a system of faith that both praises and misunderstands Beauty with results that can be nothing short of cruel. Ironically, Leilia has difficulty trying to find her one true art as she apprentices among the various artisans because she loves them all but excels only at poetry, a talent she must keep hidden at all cost. The forbidden form recalls the deception of the Beautiful One by the Oferlord long ago, despite the tribe’s devotion to the Knowables--ten snatches of poems that have been handed down from generation to generation. Leilia’s own wellspring of words haunts her, whispers to her unfaithfulness and doom.

 

At last, when she is sent to intern with Marketer, the Unbeautiful woman who dwells outside the sacred village, taking in talentless girls whose own Unbeautiful souls are revealed in their faces, demeanor, and art, Leilia is certain that her fate is sealed. Her last chance to save herself is to create a masterpiece, her own First Work, by the end of the summer, when her people celebrate the Summer of First Works, and Leilia and her agemates will become women by virtue of their art. If Leilia should fail, however, she will be cast out of her village forever, apprenticed to the Marketer, permanently separated from Beauty and Truth.

 

In the past ten years, I have received two scholarships and one award for writing, earned a BA in English and an MEd in Teaching, taught writing at the high school, college, and postgraduate levels, earned a perfect score on the writing portion of the GRE, written four novels, married my husband, and had four children. I have edited and written for my college paper, and I have a short biography coming out this winter in the final installment of Knowledge Quest’s What Really Happened series.

 

I have enclosed the first ten pages of First Work as well as SASE. I genuinely appreciate the time you have taken to consider my query, and I look forward to the opportunity to send you my complete manuscript.

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Fabulous!

 

The only thing I would take a second look at is your 4th paragraph. You have *a lot* of info in there. I would probably rewrite so it's not one big sentence. Also, were the scholarships writing related? If not, then I don't think you need that. For example, with rewriting--just some examples off the top of my head--instead of saying in the past ten years, I would just state simply that "I have a BA in English and an MEd in Teaching." "I spent XXX years teaching English and writing at the high school and college level." I am currently at home with my four children and am seriously pursuing my writing career. I'm not sure you need the bit about the college paper or that you have a bio coming out.

 

And this is all just my opinion for whatever it's worth!

 

HTH,

Anita

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I'm not sure you need the bit about the college paper or that you have a bio coming out.

 

Well...but that's my publication experience. I thought that was the most important part.

 

"In the last 10 yrs" was to indicate that I haven't been a slacker, kwim? It's recent experience, & I stay busy, i.e. I can meet deadlines. Maybe it doesn't read that way?

 

Oh, yeah. And the "for writing" was supposed to apply to the scholarships & the award. I'm trying to think how to reword that to make it clearer.

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The story is compelling, and the details well written. The only place I felt a need to reread to understand was the last paragraph.

 

For the last paragraph how about grouping the sentences.

 

One for scholarships/awards

One for education

One for experience

One for current work

and I stumbled on the husband, children in a list of what appears to be writing accomplishments. HUGE :D accomplishments they are but awkward in the list of writing accomplishments.

...all the while being a wife to my dh, and a mother to 4 dc.

 

 

Looks great otherwise!

 

I hope the first person who reads it snatches you up and appreciates your huge talent.

 

 

Good luck, Tap

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Well...but that's my publication experience. I thought that was the most important part.

 

"In the last 10 yrs" was to indicate that I haven't been a slacker, kwim? It's recent experience, & I stay busy, i.e. I can meet deadlines. Maybe it doesn't read that way?

 

Oh, yeah. And the "for writing" was supposed to apply to the scholarships & the award. I'm trying to think how to reword that to make it clearer.

 

I see what you're saying. *I* personally didn't see it as the most important. Not sure why. And with the rest, maybe it was just that it was all in one sentence that had me feeling it was too much. To me, just saying what you've done and where you are in life indicates you're far from a slacker, Aubrey. :) Anyone getting the degrees you have, winning awards, teaching, raising four kids, and writing novels on top of it tells me right off the bat you're a hard worker.

 

And honestly, the previous paragraphs are what really matter IMHO. You could have zero anything in that last paragraph and the rest of your letter will hook that editor/agent into requesting your ms because it sounds like a great story. So, not that you'll need it, but I'll offer good luck anyway!

 

Best,

Anita

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Wow, Aubrey, very impressive. My strength is proofreading - I cannot offer any advice about how to write a query letter. My only suggestion is to insert the word "a" before SASE. Not much of a help, I know. FWIW, your letter made me want to read your book:).

 

Aw, thanks. SASE does make more sense w/ "a" before it, doesn't it? I don't know why it never appears that way.

 

Dh is off to his "interview," so he hasn't had time to look at it yet. This is his only day off this week, & the place is an hr away, & he's pretty much hired, barring... I don't know...a serious violent temper or drug addiction? Anyway, so he's got to do all the pre-employment paperwork, testing, etc. I'm afraid we won't see him again until...right after lunch if we're lucky!

 

But he's read the story, & after reading the first query, he said it didn't do justice to the story. I'm not sure why, since it is what it is, but...we'll see.

 

Thanks for looking again!

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