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I need some suggestions..

 

I have a 6 year old dd that is difficult. Not naughty really, but just will not tolerate any kind of correction from ME. Whenever I have to tell her no, or ask her to stop a bad behavior (let's say, whining because it's someone else's turn to choose a netflix show), she amplifies the behavior. EXPONENTIALLY.

 

We go from kind of whining, to whining in an obnoxious, theatrical way. If I stick to my 'no', or attmept to put her in a time out/take a toy/any kind of standard discipline- she launches into a psychotic episode. By this I mean, veins sticking out of her neck sobbing and rolling around and screaming how she hates me, drama drama drama...

 

For the MOST PART, I have managed to just stay calm and ride it out.. but I swear, she is only over it once she has settled down on her terms. In essence, she has punished ME.. and even though she didn't get what she wanted (I refuse to EVER cave), she is satisfied that we all suffered at her expense.

 

With the exception of this horrid tantrum behavior, she's a wonderful little girl. She's smart, funny, very affectionate..

 

Sometimes I worry that their might be something deeper going on, because when she is angry or uncomfortable, she pulls really hard on the skin on her arms. It's like she is hurting them because she REALLY wants to hurt me..

 

But the kicker is, she pretty much ONLY does this for me. She only recently behaved this poorly for DH. She might still have a fit for him, but she'll obey him. If she's having a fit for me, she follows me around the house carrying on. For him, she'll stay in a corner, room, whatever.

 

 

Ugh. I realize I'm newer, and this sounds like a total ramble.. but on such a big parenting board I wondered if anyone had some grand advice..

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I'd send her to her room, and if she wouldn't stay in, I'd lock her in.

 

If you're worried about how she'd get out in case of an emergency, I'd site outside the room, with a comfy pillow, drink, book, and noise-cancelling headphones (which will dull the noise from her but still let fire alarms in). You absolutely need to make putting her in time-out not a punishment for you.

 

You may want to put a punching bag in her room, stress balls, etc., so she has a safe way to release her anger.

 

Your description sounds close to one of mine at that age. :grouphug:

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I'd send her to her room, and if she wouldn't stay in, I'd lock her in.

 

If you're worried about how she'd get out in case of an emergency, I'd site outside the room, with a comfy pillow, drink, book, and noise-cancelling headphones (which will dull the noise from her but still let fire alarms in). You absolutely need to make putting her in time-out not a punishment for you.

 

You may want to put a punching bag in her room, stress balls, etc., so she has a safe way to release her anger.

 

Your description sounds close to one of mine at that age. :grouphug:

 

 

I don't know what to say for advice, except that I would try this. Maybe taking away the "audience" would take the gratification out of it for her.

 

There may be other issues, but I am not qualified to speak to that.

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How does she respond to telling her what to do instead, without mentioning the undesired activity. (like, 'no whining' becomes 'it's time to be quiet' or 'take a deep breath and ask again.")

 

Honestly, she's onto it. I've tried to redirect her, but she is SO intent at continuing whatever she's doing at that point. Someday, she'll be someone driven for sure, and it will be an asset. For now, she's a PITA. Sometimes I can help her calm down by saying something like "You are getting really angry, so it's hard to do the right thing. Slow down and you'll feel better."

 

Yeah, she has no tolerance for me trying to manipulate her psyche..

 

I'd send her to her room, and if she wouldn't stay in, I'd lock her in.

 

If you're worried about how she'd get out in case of an emergency, I'd site outside the room, with a comfy pillow, drink, book, and noise-cancelling headphones (which will dull the noise from her but still let fire alarms in). You absolutely need to make putting her in time-out not a punishment for you.

 

You may want to put a punching bag in her room, stress balls, etc., so she has a safe way to release her anger.

 

Your description sounds close to one of mine at that age. :grouphug:

 

She won't stay in her room without me holding the door shut, and honestly, I just can't do it. It becomes a physical altercation at that point, and I don't want physical strength to determine a 'winner'. Know what I mean?

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Make sure you aren't giving her more attention when you is having her fits. Sometimes having a place alone to calm down is a good thing. Calmly "I know you are upset, why don't you go to your room and take some time to calm down" You are not punishing her by sending her to her room, you are just making a reasonable suggestion to help her calm down. Or go to a neutral room like a living room. When she comes out, ask her is she is calm now. If she is not, ask her to go back. Don't escalate by physically forcing her in the room. That is giving more attention.

 

The other thing would be for you to change your location. Make a trip to the basement. Run outside and water the flowers. It is difficult for a tantrum throwing kid to follow you around in full tantrum.

 

Also I would get her more used to "no". Use it on both big and little things. daily. So she gets used to it. If the only time she hears 'no' is on big things that she really wants, then it is no wonder she gets upset.

 

Little kids have a hard time separating what affects them from what affects someone like their mother. My DD used to say "okay then I won't eat that treat" and she thought that would punish me. She may have been younger, but still for kids it takes awhile to understand this.

Edited by OrganicAnn
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Honestly, she's onto it. I've tried to redirect her, but she is SO intent at continuing whatever she's doing at that point. Someday, she'll be someone driven for sure, and it will be an asset. For now, she's a PITA. Sometimes I can help her calm down by saying something like "You are getting really angry, so it's hard to do the right thing. Slow down and you'll feel better."

 

Yeah, she has no tolerance for me trying to manipulate her psyche..

 

 

 

She won't stay in her room without me holding the door shut, and honestly, I just can't do it. It becomes a physical altercation at that point, and I don't want physical strength to determine a 'winner'. Know what I mean?

 

That's why I suggested locking her in. You may need to put an extra lock on her door.

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And I'm not going to shoot down suggestions, I'm just relaying what hasn't worked thus far. For instance, if I send her to her room, she won't go. Like, WILL NOT BUDGE. I cannot get her there without taking her by the arm, at which point she's on the floor and wild. I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and a little afraid she'll hurt the baby. Not intentionally, but just in the process of resisting.

 

I tried the super-nanny approach, just repeatedly getting her in there, and she'll chase me down over and over. At that point, I just give up. Now, the toy stays gone, and the tv stays turned off, but I get to the point I feel like I need a young priest and an old priest. Is it better to engage in the physical struggle? Or to refuse to participate?

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I'd send her to her room, and if she wouldn't stay in, I'd lock her in.

 

If you're worried about how she'd get out in case of an emergency, I'd site outside the room, with a comfy pillow, drink, book, and noise-cancelling headphones (which will dull the noise from her but still let fire alarms in). You absolutely need to make putting her in time-out not a punishment for you.

 

You may want to put a punching bag in her room, stress balls, etc., so she has a safe way to release her anger.

 

Your description sounds close to one of mine at that age. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: If she won't stay, lock her in and sit nearby. 123-Magic also recommends this method.

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Make sure you aren't giving her more attention when you is having her fits. Sometimes having a place alone to calm down is a good thing. Calmly "I know you are upset, why don't you go to your room and take some time to calm down" You are not punishing her by sending her to her room, you are just making a reasonable suggestion to help her calm down. Or go to a neutral room like a living room. When she comes out, ask her is she is calm now. If she is not, ask her to go back. Don't escalate by physically forcing her in the room. That is giving more attention.

 

The other thing would be for you to change your location. Make a trip to the basement. Run outside and water the flowers. It is difficult for a tantrum throwing kid to follow you around in full tantrum.

 

Also I would get her more used to "no". Use it on both big and little things. daily. So she gets used to it. If the only time she hears 'no' is on big things that she really wants, then it is no wonder she gets upset.

 

Little kids have a hard time separating what affects them from what affects someone like their mother. My DD used to say "okay then I won't eat that treat" and she thought that would punish me. She may have been younger, but still for kids it takes awhile to understand this.

 

Good thoughts. And though we are pretty conservative in what we allow, maybe she isn't told no enough simply because I'm avoiding conflict. I'm going to have to pay closer attention to that. I hadn't even considered it..

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:iagree: If she won't stay, lock her in and sit nearby. 123-Magic also recommends this method.

 

Really? I just feel really weird about locking a kid in a room. It seems like such a force thing.. Like, if you're strong enough, you'll win. It just feels off to me..:confused:

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Uhhhhmmm, this might not be so popular here, but for screaming, crying fits where I was certain there wasn't a medical issue, I'd spank her. If there was ANY hint there might be a medical issue I'd address that first, but it doesn't seem like it from what you've said here.

 

At the very least remove her audience during tantrums, and give consequences for the tantrums too. That sort of behavior is not acceptable.

 

The next tantrum, after you've both calmed down, warn her if it happens again she will get a spanking. Explain more acceptable ways to get her feelings out, if you think she needs one.

 

And I wouldn't spank her during the fit, either. I would make her wait until both of us had calmed down, then I would give a brief, one-sentence lecture, such as throwing fits are not allowed, you warned her about this before, and the consequences are a spanking, and then I'd spank her. With a bare hand on the bottom only, and only when you're calm. Maybe one spank for as many minutes as she screamed.

 

I'd stick with that for maybe two months. She's getting on the upper range of when I think spanking is okay, but given that she's acting like a toddler, a toddler like punishment is what I'd go with. By the time kids are old enough to reason I don't like to spank, but you can't reason with tantrums.

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Gosh, I don't know.

It's so hard! :grouphug:

 

Can you talk about it with her when you are not in the heat of the moment? Is she old enough to really control herself? I'd want to march her right to her room and lock the door and refuse to let her out til she's done with her fit...MISSY! :lol: But I am not sure my "mom gets her back up and you don't mess with her" kind of natural reaction is really all that helpful.

 

I think getting her used to "no" is really good advice. Sometimes a "No, but you CAN have/do..." is useful, but sometimes just learning to accept a "No" with no concessions is also important.

 

Part of me would want to secretly videotape her and then show it to her when you have a moment to discuss it. I'm not sure if that would work, or fall under the catagory of unfairly embarrassing her--

 

Sometimes I just suck at parenting--I hope you get great advice. Hang in there.

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Uhhhhmmm, this might not be so popular here, but for screaming, crying fits where I was certain there wasn't a medical issue, I'd spank her. If there was ANY hint there might be a medical issue I'd address that first, but it doesn't seem like it from what you've said here.

 

At the very least remove her audience during tantrums, and give consequences for the tantrums too. That sort of behavior is not acceptable.

 

The next tantrum, after you've both calmed down, warn her if it happens again she will get a spanking. Explain more acceptable ways to get her feelings out, if you think she needs one.

 

And I wouldn't spank her during the fit, either. I would make her wait until both of us had calmed down, then I would give a brief, one-sentence lecture, such as throwing fits are not allowed, you warned her about this before, and the consequences are a spanking, and then I'd spank her. With a bare hand on the bottom only, and only when you're calm. Maybe one spank for as many minutes as she screamed.

 

I'd stick with that for maybe two months. She's getting on the upper range of when I think spanking is okay, but given that she's acting like a toddler, a toddler like punishment is what I'd go with. By the time kids are old enough to reason I don't like to spank, but you can't reason with tantrums.

 

I recognize spanking is a VERY sensitive issue in the parenting community, so I'll only speak a wee bit to it. Yes, we have spanked our children at points.. and she has been on the receiving end for sure. But in her case, she tries to strike back.. and why not? I just hit her.. so it seems fair in her mind. I believe there are some kids that accept spanking as a form of discipline, and it can be corrective. But other kids (like mine) view it as an accelerant. (totally spelled that wrong I'm sure).. I'm not criticizing your opinion, I COMPLETELY appreciate it. I just worry that it's wrong for this kid.

 

Judas priest.. Rereading my responses, am I a total wish wash? It's like I'm afraid to get after her. That I'm going to make it worse. Tell me you guys have been here..:001_huh:

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Don't feel bad about it being a power play. It IS a power play. She's started this power play with you because she thinks you'll cave and she has more power. She's a child, not a tiny adult. She cannot reason in the same way you can. She may have knowledge but she does not have reason. She cannot survive without you. You are the parent, you are the one in charge, if she's testing the power boundaries YOU MUST WIN.

 

I'm not saying this in an abusive way or any sort of lack of love at all... you simply must win. When she grows up she can be in charge, until then you are. Don't apologize for that or she will be in control of your house until you kick her out.

 

Kids need to learn boundaries, she's just testing the limits of hers. If you let her get away with screaming crying fits, and then you don't have her in school so she won't suffer the social ostracism that would normally accompany very bad behavior, she's not going to learn boundaries with anyone. She can't have the power here. She's a child.

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Gosh, I don't know.

It's so hard! :grouphug:

 

Can you talk about it with her when you are not in the heat of the moment? Is she old enough to really control herself? I'd want to march her right to her room and lock the door and refuse to let her out til she's done with her fit...MISSY! :lol: But I am not sure my "mom gets her back up and you don't mess with her" kind of natural reaction is really all that helpful.

 

I think getting her used to "no" is really good advice. Sometimes a "No, but you CAN have/do..." is useful, but sometimes just learning to accept a "No" with no concessions is also important.

 

Part of me would want to secretly videotape her and then show it to her when you have a moment to discuss it. I'm not sure if that would work, or fall under the catagory of unfairly embarrassing her--

 

Sometimes I just suck at parenting--I hope you get great advice. Hang in there.

 

 

I taped her once to show DH, because I couldn't explain what was going on without it sounding totally exaggerated! He was shocked. It never occurred to me to show her.. Hmm.

 

Haven't considered the "no but you can..." approach either. I get where it could be overused, but it might ease the tension in some situations..

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Don't feel bad about it being a power play. It IS a power play. She's started this power play with you because she thinks you'll cave and she has more power. She's a child, not a tiny adult. She cannot reason in the same way you can. She may have knowledge but she does not have reason. She cannot survive without you. You are the parent, you are the one in charge, if she's testing the power boundaries YOU MUST WIN.

 

I'm not saying this in an abusive way or any sort of lack of love at all... you simply must win. When she grows up she can be in charge, until then you are. Don't apologize for that or she will be in control of your house until you kick her out.

 

Kids need to learn boundaries, she's just testing the limits of hers. If you let her get away with screaming crying fits, and then you don't have her in school so she won't suffer the social ostracism that would normally accompany very bad behavior, she's not going to learn boundaries with anyone. She can't have the power here. She's a child.

 

You're totally right..

 

And she has been in PS so far. We haven't actually started HSing yet. She doesn't do this AT ALL at school. I actually spoke with her teacher about it last year, because I did worry about some issues, and the teacher (who is a dear friend, and has a child with a slew of disabilities) was very sympathetic, but had never seen a HINT of that kind of behavior. It HAS to be something I'M causing, or handling wrong. Because I SWEAR she saves it for me.. Maybe she just knows she has me cornered. None of my other children are like this. Aiigh..

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I recognize spanking is a VERY sensitive issue in the parenting community, so I'll only speak a wee bit to it. Yes, we have spanked our children at points.. and she has been on the receiving end for sure. But in her case, she tries to strike back.. and why not? I just hit her.. so it seems fair in her mind. I believe there are some kids that accept spanking as a form of discipline, and it can be corrective. But other kids (like mine) view it as an accelerant. (totally spelled that wrong I'm sure).. I'm not criticizing your opinion, I COMPLETELY appreciate it. I just worry that it's wrong for this kid.

 

Judas priest.. Rereading my responses, am I a total wish wash? It's like I'm afraid to get after her. That I'm going to make it worse. Tell me you guys have been here..:001_huh:

 

 

Yeah, it kind of does sound like you're afraid of her. The thing is, spanking is NOT hitting. It is punishment because you're the adult, you love her, and you cannot allow her to grow up being spoiled rotten because you love her too much. That's why you can't spank when you're angry. It's a consequence, not a moral judgment or expression of anger. We don't behave with screaming fits, and until she learns that, she can take the consequences. These are the consequences. If she hits she needs a time out until you've calmed down about that, and then she needs consequences for that. It's going to take probably 3 days of WORSE behavior until she believes that suddenly you've developed a backbone, and if you wish wash, even longer.

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You're totally right..

 

And she has been in PS so far. We haven't actually started HSing yet. She doesn't do this AT ALL at school. I actually spoke with her teacher about it last year, because I did worry about some issues, and the teacher (who is a dear friend, and has a child with a slew of disabilities) was very sympathetic, but had never seen a HINT of that kind of behavior. It HAS to be something I'M causing, or handling wrong. Because I SWEAR she saves it for me.. Maybe she just knows she has me cornered. None of my other children are like this. Aiigh..

It does sound like she does. If that is the case then you need to set the limits and be very very firm with them. She may be testing you every inch of the way.

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And I'm not going to shoot down suggestions, I'm just relaying what hasn't worked thus far. For instance, if I send her to her room, she won't go. Like, WILL NOT BUDGE. I cannot get her there without taking her by the arm, at which point she's on the floor and wild. I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and a little afraid she'll hurt the baby. Not intentionally, but just in the process of resisting.

 

I tried the super-nanny approach, just repeatedly getting her in there, and she'll chase me down over and over. At that point, I just give up. Now, the toy stays gone, and the tv stays turned off, but I get to the point I feel like I need a young priest and an old priest. Is it better to engage in the physical struggle? Or to refuse to participate?

 

 

I understand what you mean about not shooting down suggestions. I'm the same way when people give me advice about handling my extremely picky eater.

 

I wouldn't worry about her hurting the baby. Babies are pretty well protected in there. (I tripped over the dog and fell down a couple of steps the day before my due date (breaking my foot) and the darn kid was still 12 days overdue. :glare:)

 

To be frank (but this is said in a gentle tone of typing), she's not going to get smaller. At six you can still forcibly get her to her room. At ten it's going to be much, much harder. You need to instill obedience now.

 

I don't normally think of myself as winning in confrontations with my kids because I am stronger but because I am the parent. (Which is good, because my oldest son has a good 10 inches on me.) You don't seem to have that authority over her, and you need to establish it pronto.

 

I would far, far rather lock a child in their room for a time-out (only if they don't stay there without needing to be locked in) than spank a child. Locking them in their room gives them a place to calm down and protects the rest of the family until then.

 

You may find that if you send her to her room sooner, she will not be as enraged and will be more likely to comply.

 

For example:

 

You: The netflix movie is X.

Her: I don't want to watch that! I want to watch Y.

You: That's 1.

Her: But Mom!

You: That's 2.

Her: This isn't fair!

You: That's 3. Time out.

 

:grouphug: good luck.

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I understand what you mean about not shooting down suggestions. I'm the same way when people give me advice about handling my extremely picky eater.

 

I wouldn't worry about her hurting the baby. Babies are pretty well protected in there. (I tripped over the dog and fell down a couple of steps the day before my due date (breaking my foot) and the darn kid was still 12 days overdue. :glare:)

 

To be frank (but this is said in a gentle tone of typing), she's not going to get smaller. At six you can still forcibly get her to her room. At ten it's going to be much, much harder. You need to instill obedience now.

 

I don't normally think of myself as winning in confrontations with my kids because I am stronger but because I am the parent. (Which is good, because my oldest son has a good 10 inches on me.) You don't seem to have that authority over her, and you need to establish it pronto.

 

I would far, far rather lock a child in their room for a time-out (only if they don't stay there without needing to be locked in) than spank a child. Locking them in their room gives them a place to calm down and protects the rest of the family until then.

 

You may find that if you send her to her room sooner, she will not be as enraged and will be more likely to comply.

 

For example:

 

You: The netflix movie is X.

Her: I don't want to watch that! I want to watch Y.

You: That's 1.

Her: But Mom!

You: That's 2.

Her: This isn't fair!

You: That's 3. Time out.

 

:grouphug: good luck.

:iagree:

 

What does your husband do when she is having a fit? If he is on the scene he needs to step up. Showing he backs you up will give more credence to your position.

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I wonder if she does "save it all for you" because she wants to test you. It could be that she is stressed out in some other part of her life where she can'texpress herself and you are the safest person she can express all that pent-up energy. For example my DS was a little like this after being in a very strict kindy class.

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Good thoughts. And though we are pretty conservative in what we allow, maybe she isn't told no enough simply because I'm avoiding conflict. I'm going to have to pay closer attention to that. I hadn't even considered it..

 

What are you doing after the fact?

 

I am hearing you say that when "life" says no, like a plant she loves dies, or it rains on a day being planned for the beach, she takes it fine, and only blows up when YOU, and you alone, say no. If she can handle everyone else's limitations, this may be more behavioral, and more easily re-set.

 

I didn't have a son just like this (he does it a little to his Dad, who is, after all, the SAHparent, but is also the parent rebellion "gets to"), -- he has a more "normal" range of upset. I used Raising A Thinking Child on him, and he is now old enough, and we've been through it enough, I just have to look at him and say: do you really think being rude to the man who takes you on all our outing is a great idea? The idea in the book is to discuss the issue after all is calm and ask questions to help the child see someone else's perspective, the consequences of the child's behavior, and what ideas they may come up with to make things better.

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Because I SWEAR she saves it for me.

 

I'm sure she does. You sound like you're afraid of her, and she probably picks up on that.

 

Turn the tables on her. She thinks she's got you over a barrel because she's making you miserable.

 

The next time she starts a tantrum, make yourself a cup of tea or coffee. Bonus points if you can hum pleasantly to yourself. Ignore her, and look immensely pleased. When your tea or coffee is ready, grab a book you've not yet read. Pleasantly tell your dd, "It's time for a Mommy break! I've been wanting to read this book for a while, but I've never had the time. Thanks for giving it to me!"

 

Go in the bathroom or your bedroom, lock the door, and ignore her. Stay in there until she's done being a brat.

 

Repeat this every time she has a tantrum. It will most likely take longer than you expect to break her of this habit, but if she sees that her obnoxious behavior actually benefits you and results in her being totally ignored, eventually she'll probably give it up.

 

And hey, if she doesn't, you now have some guaranteed down time!

 

I have always told my kids, "I can't control you. Only you can control yourself. But I can control the consequences of your behavior."

 

Tara

Edited by TaraTheLiberator
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First off, :grouphug:. I had/have one exactly like this. He's almost 10 now and has made huge improvements in his behavior. I'm not sure if that's due to maturity or something we did, but here's how we finally handled it.

 

It was very difficult for us not to engage him in any way once a power struggle began. We'd try to stay calm but a lot of the time it would still escalate because our patience could only last so long and he just wouldn't stop needling until we got to that point. I finally decided I wasn't going to continue trying to force him to do anything during those times. Instead I'd tell him what we wanted (ie, go to your room and calm down). The minute he said no, started a meltdown, etc., I'd calmly state that I could not make him go there, that it was ultimately up to him to choose to obey, but that there would be a consequence for non-compliance. Then I'd remove myself from the situation. Sometimes he'd still go on, practically inviting me to join him in a power struggle, sometimes he'd stop his tantrum but not go up to his room, and sometimes he would actually obey. Much later on during the day, or even the next day, I would calmly tell him that he had x consequence for choosing not to obey. This was usually no TV/computer/swimming for the week, taking away a play date, early bedtime for a week, etc. For some reason, this wouldn't set him off in the same way. He might grumble or be unhappy about it, but it wouldn't create a full scale meltdown or anything.

 

It really helped to stop us from engaging with him, which was the most important thing for me. And as I said, we just don't have many of those altercations anymore. As soon as I put the responsibility/choice on him to obey or not, he usually chooses to do the right thing.

 

Good luck in whatever you choose to do. I know how difficult it is!

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Yeah, it kind of does sound like you're afraid of her. The thing is, spanking is NOT hitting. It is punishment because you're the adult, you love her, and you cannot allow her to grow up being spoiled rotten because you love her too much. That's why you can't spank when you're angry. It's a consequence, not a moral judgment or expression of anger. We don't behave with screaming fits, and until she learns that, she can take the consequences. These are the consequences. If she hits she needs a time out until you've calmed down about that, and then she needs consequences for that. It's going to take probably 3 days of WORSE behavior until she believes that suddenly you've developed a backbone, and if you wish wash, even longer.

 

This may be how spanking is in your mind, but in many kids' minds, it IS hitting. Absence of spanking does not mean absence of discipline. I am not pro-spanking for my family, but can see it as an appropriate tool in other families. However, for this kid, I would strongly recommend against it because she can turn it into a battle of wills and one-upmanship. A dangerous prospect.

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You're totally right..

 

And she has been in PS so far. We haven't actually started HSing yet. She doesn't do this AT ALL at school. I actually spoke with her teacher about it last year, because I did worry about some issues, and the teacher (who is a dear friend, and has a child with a slew of disabilities) was very sympathetic, but had never seen a HINT of that kind of behavior. It HAS to be something I'M causing, or handling wrong. Because I SWEAR she saves it for me.. Maybe she just knows she has me cornered. None of my other children are like this. Aiigh..

 

It is not something you are causing. She holds it together for others and saves it for you. You are the safe one - the one she trusts to keep loving her in spite of her behavior. Stop blaming yourself. Stop it. I mean it. I lived this with my sensory kid. I am not saying your dd has sensory issues, but the tantrum behavior seems very similar.

 

You do need to take a stand and hold your ground and never let her see you get flustered. You need to be a firm boundary for her. I would go with the videotaping and show it during a calm moment and ask her if this is appropriate behavior. How she would feel if one of her siblings or friends acted like that. For the tantrum, I would lock her in a safe place until she has settled down with instructions on how to dissipate that anger. :grouphug::grouphug:

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Maybe she saves it for you because she trusts you the most to still love her afterwards.

 

I have that happen sometimes, and in our case, insecurity is a trigger. I deal with the behavior, but I make it a point to let her know that I am open to her telling me what her underlying issue is (when she's calm). Even if it's not something you can solve, it would help her to articulate it.

 

Now how to get rid of the insecurity is something I have not yet figured out. But knowing it's a trigger helps me to get through those tough times.

 

Continue being absolutely firm. Be careful to assign only consequences you can/will follow through on. Tell her in advance what consequences will be, and be calmly consistent about them. She wants this, even though what's coming out of her mouth says otherwise. You are building trust by doing the right thing consistently, and the trust will help work on the insecurity.

 

It's hard when you have multiple kids and only one of them needs this really consistent/rigid approach. In my case, my other kid simply has to suck it up. She seems to understand, though.

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Thank you so much for all these responses.. I will probably read them over and over while working on this with her.

 

I appreciated the perspective on putting her in her room, or else going to my own (where I can lock the door).. I think I might feel more at ease with this having heard your opinions on it. To me, I worried it was just a battle, and holding a door shut was engaging it. I'll try to look at that differently. I would much rather do that then to spank her. Like I said; I have spanked her, but I don't feel that it accomplishes what I had in mind. When she doesn't hit back, she retreats in a way that reminds me of a scared caged animal. I just can't find peace with it.

 

I will make myself read the 1-2-3 book, and absolutely work on keeping my 'talking' down to more of a minimum. It's not like she can process anything I'm saying in the midst of a tantrum anyway, so it's probably just wasted energy on both our parts.

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Maybe she saves it for you because she trusts you the most to still love her afterwards.

 

I have that happen sometimes, and in our case, insecurity is a trigger. I deal with the behavior, but I make it a point to let her know that I am open to her telling me what her underlying issue is (when she's calm). Even if it's not something you can solve, it would help her to articulate it.

 

Now how to get rid of the insecurity is something I have not yet figured out. But knowing it's a trigger helps me to get through those tough times.

 

Continue being absolutely firm. Be careful to assign only consequences you can/will follow through on. Tell her in advance what consequences will be, and be calmly consistent about them. She wants this, even though what's coming out of her mouth says otherwise. You are building trust by doing the right thing consistently, and the trust will help work on the insecurity.

 

It's hard when you have multiple kids and only one of them needs this really consistent/rigid approach. In my case, my other kid simply has to suck it up. She seems to understand, though.

 

I know exactly what you're saying..:glare:

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I have a strong-willed dramatic dd7. When she was younger she was more difficult and prone to the power play type behavior of your dd. Part of the problem with my dd is that she is very intelligent so time-outs and/or spankings did not work because they were so short term that it was "worth it" to continue her behavior (I could see her thinking it over and some of her behaviors were dangerous). I would wait until your dd stops tantruming and impose a serious consequence. In the case of my dd I take away all screen time and sweets for a week at a time. Neither screen time nor sweets benefit her in any way but she LIKES them.

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I'd send her to her room, and if she wouldn't stay in, I'd lock her in.

 

If you're worried about how she'd get out in case of an emergency, I'd site outside the room, with a comfy pillow, drink, book, and noise-cancelling headphones (which will dull the noise from her but still let fire alarms in). You absolutely need to make putting her in time-out not a punishment for you.

 

You may want to put a punching bag in her room, stress balls, etc., so she has a safe way to release her anger.

 

Your description sounds close to one of mine at that age. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: but I don't know about a punching bag because I don't want her to turn that around to start to hit other people!

 

A lot of moms with difficult kids on my adoption forums have their kids run laps around the house or jump on a mi i trampoline to destress. Many of them have the kids regularly have their kids do this to try to remain regulated.

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I'm sure she does. You sound like you're afraid of her, and she probably picks up on that.

 

Turn the tables on her. She thinks she's got you over a barrel because she's making you miserable.

 

The next time she starts a tantrum, make yourself a cup of tea or coffee. Bonus points if you can hum pleasantly to yourself. Ignore her, and look immensely pleased. When your tea or coffee is ready, grab a book you've not yet read. Pleasantly tell your dd, "It's time for a Mommy break! I've been wanting to read this book for a while, but I've never had the time. Thanks for giving it to me!"

 

Go in the bathroom or your bedroom, lock the door, and ignore her. Stay in there until she's done being a brat.

 

Repeat this every time she has a tantrum. It will most likely take longer than you expect to break her of this habit, but if she sees that her obnoxious behavior actually benefits you and results in her being totally ignored, eventually she'll probably give it up.

 

And hey, if she doesn't, you now have some guaranteed down time!

 

I have always told my kids, "I can't control you. Only you can control yourself. But I can control the consequences of your behavior."

 

Tara

 

:iagree: The more you engage with her the worse it will get.

 

First off, :grouphug:. I had/have one exactly like this. He's almost 10 now and has made huge improvements in his behavior. I'm not sure if that's due to maturity or something we did, but here's how we finally handled it.

 

It was very difficult for us not to engage him in any way once a power struggle began. We'd try to stay calm but a lot of the time it would still escalate because our patience could only last so long and he just wouldn't stop needling until we got to that point. I finally decided I wasn't going to continue trying to force him to do anything during those times. Instead I'd tell him what we wanted (ie, go to your room and calm down). The minute he said no, started a meltdown, etc., I'd calmly state that I could not make him go there, that it was ultimately up to him to choose to obey, but that there would be a consequence for non-compliance. Then I'd remove myself from the situation. Sometimes he'd still go on, practically inviting me to join him in a power struggle, sometimes he'd stop his tantrum but not go up to his room, and sometimes he would actually obey. Much later on during the day, or even the next day, I would calmly tell him that he had x consequence for choosing not to obey. This was usually no TV/computer/swimming for the week, taking away a play date, early bedtime for a week, etc. For some reason, this wouldn't set him off in the same way. He might grumble or be unhappy about it, but it wouldn't create a full scale meltdown or anything.

 

It really helped to stop us from engaging with him, which was the most important thing for me. And as I said, we just don't have many of those altercations anymore. As soon as I put the responsibility/choice on him to obey or not, he usually chooses to do the right thing.

 

Good luck in whatever you choose to do. I know how difficult it is!

 

:iagree: again. these kids thrive on pushing the buttons, getting you as upset as they are. "If mom won't let me do x, then I will punish her by making her mad or making her miserable."

 

Thank you so much for all these responses.. I will probably read them over and over while working on this with her.

 

I appreciated the perspective on putting her in her room, or else going to my own (where I can lock the door).. I think I might feel more at ease with this having heard your opinions on it. To me, I worried it was just a battle, and holding a door shut was engaging it. I'll try to look at that differently. I would much rather do that then to spank her. Like I said; I have spanked her, but I don't feel that it accomplishes what I had in mind. When she doesn't hit back, she retreats in a way that reminds me of a scared caged animal. I just can't find peace with it.

 

I will make myself read the 1-2-3 book, and absolutely work on keeping my 'talking' down to more of a minimum. It's not like she can process anything I'm saying in the midst of a tantrum anyway, so it's probably just wasted energy on both our parts.

 

absolutely. "Sweetie, you're too upset to talk now. go to your room and we will talk about it later."

 

I have a strong-willed dramatic dd7. When she was younger she was more difficult and prone to the power play type behavior of your dd. Part of the problem with my dd is that she is very intelligent so time-outs and/or spankings did not work because they were so short term that it was "worth it" to continue her behavior (I could see her thinking it over and some of her behaviors were dangerous). I would wait until your dd stops tantruming and impose a serious consequence. In the case of my dd I take away all screen time and sweets for a week at a time. Neither screen time nor sweets benefit her in any way but she LIKES them.

I have made lists for my dd ahead of time with behavior/consequences on it. I try to make them broad such as fit pitching, arguing, name calling, etc. We discuss this when she is not upset. I'd mention things like "you are 6 years old now and that is a big kid. It's time to act like a big kid, where you say your feelings instead of throwing a fit. It's okay to say I'm angry. I'm disappointed. But screaming and crying about it is unacceptable. This is what will happen every time you act like this."

 

The immediate consequence of fit pitching can be going to your room but I also included longer term consequences...when my dd was that age she liked to watch a particular show every night before bed. When she had a fit that day, the show disappeared. But at age 6, I didn't accumulate more than one night at a time. So if she had 5 fits in one day, she only missed that night's show. The next day she could watch if she was good. you may want to make a chart on which she can put a sticker for a fit-free day. Get dad on board to ask her each day if she went all day without a fit.

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I have a 7-yo who has similar meltdowns (though her triggers are different). I'm reading The Explosive Child, which is another book you may want to check out. I'm not convinced my daughter completely fits the profile described in the book; I really do think sometimes it's a power struggle for her rather than an immaturity in dealing with frustrations, or maybe a little of both, but there are some good tools in there for dealing with and staving off meltdowns.

 

I can relate so much to the part where you said she follows you around and you feel like almost anything is engaging. And sometimes disengaging and removing myself emotionally from the situation helps. But, sometimes, for us engagement can actually HELP. I don't mean give in. . . but sometimes if I can catch it early and instigate some physical contact with her, it will shut it down fast. For example, one of her big triggers is tiredness. One night when she was very tired and starting to tantrum, I just picked her up, cuddled her for a minute, then tucked her into bed and scratched/rubbed her back for a while. She still didn't get what she wanted (I think in that case she wanted to spend some time in her brother's room reading, something they like to do together at bedtime, but that particular night it was too late), she still had to go to bed, but the tantrum was stopped in it's tracks, she went to sleep, and DH and I didn't spend a good chunk of our evening trying to do damage control.

 

Something else that helps is to recognize early signs that she might go into a tantrum (for us, pouting, grumbling, refusing to speak) and just speak clearly and firmly to her to remind her that she never gets what she wants from having a tantrum, that she only makes things worse for herself by losing privileges afterwards, and to think about whether or not she wants to start it up. She doesn't immediately turn it off and become all sunshine and smiles, but she does quit the escalation, and at least we're just dealing with pouting rather than screaming and crying. She eventually forgets what she's mad about comes out of it.

 

Hunger and tiredness are HUGE triggers, and if either of those are at play, all bets are off. Making sure she eats regularly helps. Watching bedtimes, especially in the summer when we tend to get lax about them, helps IMMENSELY. It sounds like your child may have different triggers, but identifying them is really the first step in figuring this out, IMO.

 

Something else that comes to mind, reading your post, is to maybe pick your battles? For example you mention she whines because she doesn't get to pick the TV show. If you ignore the whining, does it stop eventually? Maybe just refusing to 'hear' the whining rather than giving an outright command to stop the whining would make a difference. Or maybe it's the actual word "NO" that sets her off. Maybe finding another way to phrase things so it doesn't sound like a no would help. For example, if she asks you for a cookie, instead of saying something like "No, no cookies, it's dinner time", you could trying saying, "You can having a cookie after dinner"--which sounds more like a 'yes', you're just dictating the circumstances.

 

This is all me musing 'aloud' about what helps at my house :) Obviously I don't know your kids or the dynamics of your household, but I hope it's something helpful to you.

Hang in there!

Edited by LemonPie
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This may be how spanking is in your mind, but in many kids' minds, it IS hitting. Absence of spanking does not mean absence of discipline. I am not pro-spanking for my family, but can see it as an appropriate tool in other families. However, for this kid, I would strongly recommend against it because she can turn it into a battle of wills and one-upmanship. A dangerous prospect.

 

:iagree:

 

Maybe she saves it for you because she trusts you the most to still love her afterwards.

 

:iagree: There is probably a comfort factor at play.

 

OP, DD was like your DD. I urge you to read Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer--before you read anything else or change your discipline.

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I have a 7-yo who has similar meltdowns (though her triggers are different). I'm reading The Explosive Child, which is another book you may want to check out. I'm not convinced my daughter completely fits the profile described in the book; I really do think sometimes it's a power struggle for her rather than an immaturity in dealing with frustrations, or maybe a little of both, but there are some good tools in there for dealing with and staving off meltdowns.

 

I can relate so much to the part where you said she follows you around and you feel like almost anything is engaging. And sometimes disengaging and removing myself emotionally from the situation helps. But, sometimes, for us engagement can actually HELP. I don't mean give in. . . but sometimes if I can catch it early and instigate some physical contact with her, it will shut it down fast. For example, one of her big triggers is tiredness. One night when she was very tired and starting to tantrum, I just picked her up, cuddled her for a minute, then tucked her into bed and scratched/rubbed her back for a while. She still didn't get what she wanted (I think in that case she wanted to spend some time in her brother's room reading, something they like to do together at bedtime, but that particular night it was too late), she still had to go to bed, but the tantrum was stopped in it's tracks, she went to sleep, and DH and I didn't spend a good chunk of our evening trying to do damage control.

 

Something else that helps is to recognize early signs that she might go into a tantrum (for us, pouting, grumbling, refusing to speak) and just speak clearly and firmly to her to remind her that she never gets what she wants from having a tantrum, that she only makes things worse for herself by losing privileges afterwards, and to think about whether or not she wants to start it up. She doesn't immediately turn it off and become all sunshine and smiles, but she does quit the escalation, and at least we're just dealing with pouting rather than screaming and crying. She eventually forgets what she's mad about comes out of it.

 

Hunger and tiredness are HUGE triggers, and if either of those are at play, all bets are off. Making sure she eats regularly helps. Watching bedtimes, especially in the summer when we tend to get lax about them, helps IMMENSELY. It sounds like your child may have different triggers, but identifying them is really the first step in figuring this out, IMO.

 

Something else that comes to mind, reading your post, is to maybe pick your battles? For example you mention she whines because she doesn't get to pick the TV show. If you ignore the whining, does it stop eventually? Maybe just refusing to 'hear' the whining rather than giving an outright command to stop the whining would make a difference. Or maybe it's the actual word "NO" that sets her off. Maybe finding another way to phrase things so it doesn't sound like a no would help. For example, if she asks you for a cookie, instead of saying something like "No, no cookies, it's dinner time", you could trying saying, "You can having a cookie after dinner"--which sounds more like a 'yes', you're just dictating the circumstances.

 

This is all me musing 'aloud' about what helps at my house :) Obviously I don't know your kids or the dynamics of your household, but I hope it's something helpful to you.

Hang in there!

 

INCREDIBLY helpful post. Thank you so much.:grouphug:

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:iagree:

 

 

 

:iagree: There is probably a comfort factor at play.

 

OP, DD was like your DD. I urge you to read Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer--before you read anything else or change your discipline.

 

Another book floating on my kindle..that I have not read. Parked next to 1-2-3 magic..

 

Why doesn't the act of BUYING the book count towards successful parenting?:glare::tongue_smilie:

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I disagree with the "YOU HAVE TO WIN" advice. You have to help her learn how to self-regulate, which is not the same thing. Don't try to win a power struggle by pouring more power into it. Or, as my husband likes to say, "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that fire departments usually use water."

 

It is really hard for a child to keep up a tantrum if the adult lets the tantrum wash over them without reacting. If my 7yo threw a hysterical tantrum, I'd walk away, get out the play-doh, and start playing with it with my 3yo. Or I'd pick up a magazine and read. I'd only intervene if she tried to hurt someone, in which case I would explain calmly that she couldn't do that and separate her from the rest of us. I would not try to reason, argue, correct, or discipline in the heat of the moment. I would just be a rock that the waves break against.

 

At some other time, I would talk to her about her tantrums, not in a lecturing way but in a "how can Daddy and I help you with this, because it looks like it feels awful from the inside" way. Showing her the video you took is a great idea - not to shame her, but to get her to think about what's happening at a time when she isn't upset. I would try to help her understand how things escalate to the tantrum point, and help her identify some strategies to keep it from getting there. Then, in future situations, I would remind her of the strategies we wanted to try as soon as they seemed relevant.

 

In this case, you know the main trigger (hearing no), so after having that discussion I would help her problem-solve before she even hears no. "Okay, so, if it turns out to be Johnny's turn to choose the Netflix video today, how are you going to handle that? What's your plan?"

 

Parenting is not a battle with you on one side and your child on the other side - however much it feels that way! (I know it totally does sometimes!) Parenting is a journey in which you and your child share the same goal: that she will be a happy person with a satisfying life.

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Really? I just feel really weird about locking a kid in a room. It seems like such a force thing.. Like, if you're strong enough, you'll win. It just feels off to me..:confused:

 

Then don't do it. Trust your mommy gut.

 

I love Tara's suggestion. Tis is what I do with my difficult dd. While I do send her to her room when *I* need a break, and she has an alarm on her door, I keep her with me most of the time and never, ever give her attention or show emotion while she is in the middle of her games. I even act happy.

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I need some suggestions..

 

I have a 6 year old dd that is difficult. Not naughty really, but just will not tolerate any kind of correction from ME. Whenever I have to tell her no, or ask her to stop a bad behavior (let's say, whining because it's someone else's turn to choose a netflix show), she amplifies the behavior. EXPONENTIALLY.

 

 

 

Without reading any responses, I am saying that I would amplify my response, exponentially. The child would be beyond sorry she decided to tangle with me. And I would do this every single time until the defiance is extinguished. If she's singled you out for this behavior - you gotta win this battle.

 

Also I would get her more used to "no". Use it on both big and little things. daily. So she gets used to it. If the only time she hears 'no' is on big things that she really wants, then it is no wonder she gets upset.

 

 

I would give her a solid month of about 100 "no"s a day - and every single time she has the wrong response (noncompliance), it's back to her room. You cannot allow her to make you afraid to be in charge.

 

The book that turned things around at our house was, "Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child". I highly recommend it.

Edited by laundrycrisis
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I would suggest a couple of things.

 

1. If her first 'gut instinct' is to have a physical reaction to discomfort (telling her 'no' etc) then I would look for a physical way for her to release that feeling appropriately. If you are interested, let me know and I can give you some ideas.

 

2. As a parent of a highly reactive child, I find that I have the best results when I Immediately enact consequences. In the situation you mentioned, of being told 'no' over the TV, the SECOND her body hits the floor/starts to fuss-whine-complain, the consequence would be enacted. For us, dd5 is sent to her room. The door is left open, but she must comply. I have a 70lb 5yo who's is a powerhouse of muscle. I have an injured back. I understand that you worry about your pgy (I worry about my back), but honesty you need to have some consequence to her actions. Unless she is known to strike out at your belly on purpose, I would still work very hard to get her in her room. DD5 has to stay in her room until she calms down, but I do not shut the door. I do not put arbitrary time limits on dd in her room. The point for us is for her to calm down, once that is accomplished, she can come out.

 

For dd she is allowed to kick/hit her bed and her floor. She can thow stuffed animals. She is not allowed to kick the walls, or she will get a swat on the tush. It is the only thing that gets her to stop kicking holes in the walls so we do use that in this case.

 

For some kids, a 'time out' doesn't work and you need to find something else. BUT you must find some kind of consequence that also works on the root of the problem to nip the behavior with, implemented immediately when it starts. Maybe it is a chart on the fridge that is 3 strikes and your out for dinner dessert, or what ever her commodity is. BUt honestly if she is throwing a tantrum in the front room, I would work really hard to remove her from that environment.

 

If she won't go to her room on a verbal cue from you, I would have her dad start talking to her about minding you in that regard. If she respects him more, he may have more luck with talking her into compliance than you have for dragging her there (for future events-i understand he is not there when it is happening).

 

 

3. I would start working with ideas to help her stop fixating on one thing. One aspect of ADD/ADHD is that kids can hyperfocus on one thing. Another aspect can be (everyone is different) that the person has a truely physical discomfort level in everyday tasks that they don't want to do, and when they get an idea of what will make them feel better, they get fixated on that one thing, good or bad.

 

It is hard for me to explain, but I will try. Lets say there are two brothers A & B. A is doing a writing assignment but he really hates writing. He is good at it, but hates it. When he is writing, his hand starts to hurt, his chair feels too hard, his body starts to ache from sitting too still, his brain can't focus because he is feeling all these other uncomfortable things. So he sees brother B sitting doing his work obediently. A throws a pencil at B. A knows he will get in trouble. The trouble he will get into, doesn't really matter to A, because he is already uncomfortable. He knows that hitting his brother with a pencil will make him happy, so for that brief moment in time, nothing else matters. It is all about NOW, this exact moment in time. Hitting his brother with the pencil will make all the discomfort go away, it acts like a release of sorts, and then he will deal with the consequences later. For these kids, it seems like minor annoyances have HUGE feelings that are disproportionate to what others feel. As a parent it is hard to understand, because if we downplay how they were feeling, the kid often gets worked up into a bigger frenzy, because they are trying to make the parent understand the way they were feeling....which makes no sense to the parent. The parent only sees a kid who is good at writing, causing hitting his brother. The parent comes in lecturing, threatening and is upset at A. A feels the discomfort from the reprimand, and then A does something else that will make A feel better, so A hits mom. Once this cycle starts and it is hard to stop.

 

This is why stepping in, and having a single consequence is important. Instead of the parent lecturing, threatening and being upset.....the parent comes in, and calmly enforces the consequence. NOW I do realize that dragging a child to their room, may not seem CALM but it is all about NOT engaging the child further. It is about not allowing the child to keep the parent in the cycle with them.

 

If the A&Bs parent can walk into the room where the pencil was just thrown and if she can get A to his room. The parent has accomplished a few things. 1. Getting B to safety. 2. Getting A out of the situation that caused the cycle to start in the first place. 3. Stopping the cycle of bad behavior/pleasurable behavior. 4. Allowing A a chance to calm down in a safe place. 5. Allowing the parent a chance to follow up with A to identify what actually set him off, instead of focusing on what he did to seek pleasure (throwing the pencil).

 

If you child is old/mature enough to understand sometimes if the adult can identify what caused the discomfort in the beginning and if the adult can focus on helping the child resolve that issue, there will be more benefit in the long run that actually punishing the behavior, like throwing a pencil at brother.

 

In this event, if the parent can get A in a place to talk about the situation, maybe the parent will find out that A's hand hurts after doing penmanship, so while writing is his best subject, maybe writing needs to be done after lunch when his hand isn't hurting. Or maybe his chair is a bit hard and a cushion may help. After resolving the issue, then the parent can help A to find other solutions to finding pleasure. If it is a physical need to release pressure, then 'fidgets' can help, or having an exercise ball to sit on during school, so he can bounce. There are MANY books on sensory issues that can help with finding out how kids can use sensory products to reduced stress.

 

DD5 will throw herself on the floor over a TV show too. And when in her room, she has kicked holes in her walls. So, if you think I don't get it...I do. LOL I can and do minimize the number of tantrums when I remember to do the above. For my dd, when she comes in from outside I do a few specific things.

 

1. remind her to get a drink of water. She has a glass on the counter all day long. We alternate water with juice, so she has to finish the water to get juice. I usually keep an approved snack bowl next to the water. 5 baby carrots, a bowl of blueberries, 4 apple slices etc. She can have a small snack without asking and it is one of her 'pleasures' so it helps to distract her if she is getting upset.

 

2. I keep 2 towels by the door. DD loves water and is in and out of it all day. When she comes inside, to the AC, she gets cold and cranky...fast! I remind he to go to the bathroom to dry off (no AC vent in there so no breeze) and to hang her suit up. I ask her to bring me her clothes to help her. I know she can dress herself, but wet skin is hard to dress and it is a high frustration activity for her.

 

3. If she comes in demanding the TV and being overly upset, we talk about 'why did you come inside' first. We try to resolve those issues before she gets to the point of throwing herself on the floor. (sometimes the floor comes first LOL and then we bypass the reason why).

 

I try to realize that for dd, she could have been outside and her friend had to go inside. She asked herself what to do next and maybe it was watch "Dinosaur Train". She runs inside, drinks, dries off, and then finds someone watching something else so she has a tantrum over it. To the person in the room already watching the TV, the reaction is disproportionately large and people get upset, making it worse. She asks for the TV and throws herself on the floor.

 

At this point I step in and make her go to her room to calm down. After a few minutes (hopefully) she asks to come down. I then talk to her about where it all started. It is often rooted in her being sad that her friend had to go inside. We try to talk about the entire process and identify what caused her frustration to get so high and we try to put things in place to help in the future (ie extra towels by the door). I am not trying to say this all goes smmmooooth. It doesn't but we try to work it out and it definitely helps.

 

We also work on a solution. Someone else is watching TV but we may see how long they have let on their show and set the timer so dd5 knows when her time is up. We try to work in the pleasurable activity, but in a way that works for the family, not just on demand.

 

 

Wow this is really long, I need to stop. LOL If any of this rings true for you and you want to chat more PM me and maybe we can talk on the phone. LOL

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For dd5 ignoring, taking myself out of the equation, doesn't work. If she is getting ignored, she will escalate FAST and Furious. She will turn furniture over, throw things like remotes at the TV or window, smash things, hit people and smash her own head into walls. She will progress until the point that she will get the person's attention.

 

I have even gone so far as emptying her room of everything but a mattress on the floor and putting her in there, so she can't destroy things...then the holes in the walls started. :glare: I would sit on the staircase, nearby, but not giving her any attention. She had a few tantrums that lasted over an hour of her smashing things and breaking them. So, it wasn't a matter of 'didn't try long enough'.

 

 

 

I wholeheartedly agree that sometimes this will work and it will work wonders. For us, it made things worse.

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Another book floating on my kindle..that I have not read. Parked next to 1-2-3 magic..

 

Why doesn't the act of BUYING the book count towards successful parenting?:glare::tongue_smilie:

 

:lol: I know, right?!?!

 

I disagree with the "YOU HAVE TO WIN" advice. You have to help her learn how to self-regulate, which is not the same thing. Don't try to win a power struggle by pouring more power into it. Or, as my husband likes to say, "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that fire departments usually use water."

 

It is really hard for a child to keep up a tantrum if the adult lets the tantrum wash over them without reacting. If my 7yo threw a hysterical tantrum, I'd walk away, get out the play-doh, and start playing with it with my 3yo. Or I'd pick up a magazine and read. I'd only intervene if she tried to hurt someone, in which case I would explain calmly that she couldn't do that and separate her from the rest of us. I would not try to reason, argue, correct, or discipline in the heat of the moment. I would just be a rock that the waves break against.

 

At some other time, I would talk to her about her tantrums, not in a lecturing way but in a "how can Daddy and I help you with this, because it looks like it feels awful from the inside" way. Showing her the video you took is a great idea - not to shame her, but to get her to think about what's happening at a time when she isn't upset. I would try to help her understand how things escalate to the tantrum point, and help her identify some strategies to keep it from getting there. Then, in future situations, I would remind her of the strategies we wanted to try as soon as they seemed relevant.

 

In this case, you know the main trigger (hearing no), so after having that discussion I would help her problem-solve before she even hears no. "Okay, so, if it turns out to be Johnny's turn to choose the Netflix video today, how are you going to handle that? What's your plan?"

 

Parenting is not a battle with you on one side and your child on the other side - however much it feels that way! (I know it totally does sometimes!) Parenting is a journey in which you and your child share the same goal: that she will be a happy person with a satisfying life.

 

:iagree: Yes, yes, yes! Although for us, sometimes I could talk to DD during a tantrum or as it was building, but this came mostly after lots of tender conversations that occurred as Rivka described after tantrums.

 

Empathy goes farther with my DD than anything! And the turn around I have seen in her! :001_wub: And our relationship is so incredibly strong! She knows I am her ally. Let me tell you, I never give in to a tantrum. Never! She does not get her way! She gets nothing she wants when she is in a rage (or even if she just fails to use proper manners, for that matter). :tongue_smilie: But she always gets my love, and empathy, and the kind of help she needs to mature. I can't bear to think what she or our relationship would be like if I went hard-core harsh with her.

 

Love LemonPie's advice also. :)

Edited by Alte Veste Academy
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You're welcome :grouphug: Who knew this parenting gig could be so hard some days, huh? :D

 

 

Your post was everything I would try to say....:001_smile:

 

Another thing, have you talked to her while she is calm? Like not right after the fit, but a time you are both having a nice time. DS is a very intense kid. At 6 he definitely had some times. And no way he would go to his room. If I locked myself in my room he wold have kicked it in. Not because he is destructive by nature, but he was beside himself. It's like he NEEDS to see ME when he is upset on any level. That may be why it seems it is always you.

 

I would talk to him and explain to him how he behaved, how it made me/us feel. Asking him if he understood or remembered, what made him that upset, how was he feeling ect. And then I started working on what we can do when you start feeling this way and acting out in this way. For us it was "take a breathe with me and lets walk outside." He agreed to this and when I felt the signs I IMMEDIATELY, as in no matter what I would drop what I am doing scoot him outside and breathe in and out deeply trying to get him to follow. I would just point out random things like "oh look at that bush you helped plant last year, it's starting to bud." Anything dumb to get him distracted. If I was 5 seconds late, too bad so sad, he is in a fit. It's like you have to notice when it is on the verge of starting and GO OUTSIDE. It's like he was begging "please help me out of this," and would willingly follow me outside. DS is very affectionate and cuddly. While doing this I would gently run my hand around his back. He needs this for reassurance.

 

I do not disagree with the pps saying you need to have the upper hand, but I also want to be the "soft place to land" for my kids. Even if that soft place takes a beating at times. I could never engage in physical exchange with them, unless it were to save from injury. We have a GREAT relationship and he so rarely has any kind of emotional work up, but I still have to be aware of when he is getting too emotional. He is much easier to calm down now that he is older/more mature. He is worlds better handling any kind of dissapointment/let down etc.

 

It's ROUGH sometimes. :grouphug:

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Another thought comes to mind. When my dd is getting herself going, I remind her that something (usually a bedtime treat) rests on her behaving and repeat the words "self control." Very calmly. "This doesn't look like self control." (We've talked about self control enough, because she tends to lose it when she eats certain things, and I've been working with her on learning how to get it back on her own.) Obviously this doesn't work if she's already broken a serious rule, but if she's still just in the "poor me" stage, it can help. (This can also help you to determine how much of the behavior is in the child's actual control.)

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