HELP-12 year old son gets curious on Internet

[mymonkeybug]

Oh moms please give advice and suggestions. I am truly floundering here.

 

Last night our 10 year old daughter was using her NOOK to pull up music videos on Youtube. A site she is not supposed to go to. So we had her and her almost 13 year old brother come into the room so we could discuss again internet safety and sites that are OK and sites that are not. I also explained to our son how I can go on his computer and see every site he has been on and what he is doing. Well over the next 20 minutes or so I guess his conscience got to him and he came to me. I am the sex educator in our home as hubby was never taught anything while growing up and has admitted to not having any clue how to have THOSE talks with either child.

 

Well low and behold DS explained that out of curiosity he did an internet search on Yahoo because he was curious about how people have sex and wound up on a site that was nothing but porn and showed actual couples having intercourse and women performing oral on men. He was quite sincere as tears welled in his eyes about how disgusting it all was and how he is very sad that he saw it.

 

My question to you all is how do I correct this from a Christian perspective as we are raising them as such and teaching them sex was created by God for marriage. Are there any books by reputable authors on how to work through something like this and help a tween boy understand the difference between porn/wordly lust and sin and God's design for the act of sexual intercourse?

 

Yes, we are placing blocks on his laptop and even considering removing it from his room and putting it in a public place within the home. Hubby of course wanted to smash it and punish him but I spoke gently to DS about how his curiosity is natural but in the future he needs to come to us for questions about these things.

 

Thanks so much in advance!

[Catwoman]

Yes, we are placing blocks on his laptop and even considering removing it from his room and putting it in a public place within the home. Hubby of course wanted to smash it and punish him but I spoke gently to DS about how his curiosity is natural but in the future he needs to come to us for questions about

 

I think you did the right thing, and that your dh's reaction was far too extreme and wouldn't have solved anything, so I'm glad he let you handle the situation.

 

I also commend your son for being truthful. He sounds like a great kid!

[Dory]

My dh tells me that he would recommend 'Every Young Man's Battle'. I have never read that one but I did like 'Every Man's Marriage' as my dh and I went through that one together and the first book is written by the same people. My dh has gone through it as he was looking for books ahead of time to work through with our boys.

[mymonkeybug]

My dh tells me that he would recommend 'Every Young Man's Battle'.

 

Thanks for this recommendation. I will look for this book.

[PeacefulChaos]

Try 'Six Ways to Keep the Good in Your Boy' by Dannah Gresh. I actually just read it, and she has a lot in there about p**n and boys' purity and stuff. I reviewed it on my blog if you want to see some basics of it to see if it might be of interest. I loved it, but it is geared for 8-12 year olds, so you may find that something geared more for teenagers would be more appropriate. Then again, it may not hurt to give it a try. I don't have any book recommendations when it comes to teens...yet. ;)

 

I understand your DH's reaction - sounds like something I'd be tempted to do. :tongue_smilie: But you definitely are doing the right thing, IMO - putting in blocks and filters and I would go ahead and put it in a public place for good measure. And good job to your boy for coming to you. :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

I'd make sure to clarify to him that what he saw was disgusting because it wasn't God's plan for sex. That when the time is right, and he and his wife have sex, it will NOT be disgusting, and will be wonderful. You don't want that image to stay in his mind, you know?

[Flowing Brook]

Not exactly what you were asking for but how about putting a internet filter on the kid's computers. Clean internet has one that is not very expensive. I love it because you can request a unblock if something is blocked that does not need to be. This way they can't accidentally stumble upon something they should not

[mom31257]

It sounds like you handled it in a great way. I think his honesty to you and the shame he felt is enough punishment. The main thing is to focus on safety and resisting temptation in the future.

 

Norton Online Family has a free software that I love. You can regulate how much time they are actually logged on and the hours of the day they can sign in. You can choose the categories to block. They can request you to unblock a site, too.

[mymonkeybug]

I'd make sure to clarify to him that what he saw was disgusting because it wasn't God's plan for sex. That when the time is right, and he and his wife have sex, it will NOT be disgusting, and will be wonderful. You don't want that image to stay in his mind, you know?

 

Very good idea to explain it in that fashion. Thank you!

[mymonkeybug]

So far some very good suggestions and ideas for computer safety as well as books on a Christian way of discussing this with him.

 

As you can imagine, I was brought to tears after we spoke and DS left my bedroom. I sat on my bed crying because his innocence is lost now. I don't doubt or question my raising of him because again, his curiosity is normal. I am simply saddened that he saw these things and is tarnished now by them.:crying:

[laundrycrisis]

So far some very good suggestions and ideas for computer safety as well as books on a Christian way of discussing this with him.

 

As you can imagine, I was brought to tears after we spoke and DS left my bedroom. I sat on my bed crying because his innocence is lost now. I don't doubt or question my raising of him because again, his curiosity is normal. I am simply saddened that he saw these things and is tarnished now by them.:crying:

 

 

His innocence is not lost and he is not tarnished. Your son is not damaged goods ! He saw a bit of reality in a harsh way. It does not change who he is - he is still the same kid ! And he came and told you about it ! I would explain to him that many adults - including those who are not Christians - think this type of video is disgusting and would find it disturbing. His feelings are normal. I would say I was sorry he saw it and put measures in place to prevent it from happening again. But my opinion of my son would not change one bit.

[mymonkeybug]

His innocence is not lost and he is not tarnished. Your son is not damaged goods ! He saw a bit of reality in a harsh way. It does not change who he is - he is still the same kid ! And he came and told you about it ! I would explain to him that many adults - including those who are not Christians - think this type of video is disgusting and would find it disturbing. His feelings are normal. I would say I was sorry he saw it and put measures in place to prevent it from happening again. But my opinion of my son would not change one bit.

 

 

I suppose I just feel as though he doesn't have that Christian view of sex now within the boundaries of a loving and respectful marriage because that is what we have taught him but he has now seen with his own eyes the ugliness of sinful sexual relations. That is what I mean by feeling as though his innocence is lost. I don't in any way shape or form think any less of him.

[radiobrain]

Just so you know, a feature I just figured out on my nook....

 

There is a setting where you can block all images when on the net. I am doing this from memory, so you'll need to figure it out yourself...but if you go on web, then click on the little list thing in the R hand upper corner and select one of the settings....can't remember which. When you find the right menu there is a setting for "load images" click OFF. Even if the kid gets to a p* *n site, the images will not come up. Wish I found that feature sooner! :tongue_smilie:

[mymonkeybug]

There is a setting where you can block all images when on the net. I am doing this from memory, so you'll need to figure it out yourself...but if you go on web, then click on the little list thing in the R hand upper corner and select one of the settings....can't remember which. When you find the right menu there is a setting for "load images" click OFF. Even if the kid gets to a p* *n site, the images will not come up. Wish I found that feature sooner! :tongue_smilie:

 

Thanks for this so I can do it on DD's NOOK before anything like this happens with her.

[imagine.more]

I'm not there yet in parenting of course but just wanted to say I really admire how you and your son reacted to this whole situation. I think he's an amazing kid to have felt guilt and come to you on his own to admit what he'd done, and clearly it shows a great level of trust between you that he felt comfortable telling you. It would make me sad too if my kids saw that stuff at some point :( But I really think you can take comfort in the open relationship you guys have.

 

My DH's parents always had a strict rule of the computer being in a public place and we plan to do the same. It just helps prevent that kind of thing from happening if the computer is in the family room, office, dining room, or something rather than a bedroom or other isolated area.

 

Maybe you should just go browse the Christian bookstore and see what you can find for teens on sexuality and chastity. I'm sure there are some good resources out there.

[Trish]

Not exactly what you were asking for but how about putting a internet filter on the kid's computers. Clean internet has one that is not very expensive. I love it because you can request a unblock if something is blocked that does not need to be. This way they can't accidentally stumble upon something they should not

 

I agree, and we've never allowed the kids to have computers in their bedrooms. I think at that age it's too much temptation for exactly the reason OP's son stated, he was curious. Same issues come up on Smartphones and Tablets.

[mom2bbj]

I agree, and we've never allowed the kids to have computers in their bedrooms. I think at that age it's too much temptation for exactly the reason OP's son stated, he was curious. Same issues come up on Smartphones and Tablets.

 

This!!! I just ( as in less than 12 hours ago!!!) went through this with my curious dd and her smartphone -:glare:. I am at a loss also...

 

OP - I know exactly how you feel and have the same struggles with what to do NOW???

Thanks for posting it's blessed me more than I can say.

 

Vickie

[mamakelly]

We put Net Nanny on our computer and it didn't work very well :001_huh:. Try Safe Eyes, it's what we've been using for a while now.

[Based on Faith Academy]

You handled it very well. I know my children are not allowed to go online unless they are sitting near my ex husband or myself. It is to protect them from what they may accidentally pull up unintentionally. My son can't even get on his lap top at home because I won't give him the pw to get on the router. At his Dad's house, he still has to be sitting on the couch where his dad can see what he is looking at. Plus there are so many creeps online and so easy to run across things that I would never want my children seeing.

[Based on Faith Academy]

So far some very good suggestions and ideas for computer safety as well as books on a Christian way of discussing this with him.

 

As you can imagine, I was brought to tears after we spoke and DS left my bedroom. I sat on my bed crying because his innocence is lost now. I don't doubt or question my raising of him because again, his curiosity is normal. I am simply saddened that he saw these things and is tarnished now by them.:crying:

 

 

:grouphug: I have a 13 yr old boy who will be 14 in a few days. I can just imagine how this would make me feel just as you do. This is exactly why I am one who doesn't teach my children all about sex early on. Why do they need to know too much about it when they aren't using it? I know many people will disagree with this but as a christian mom and one who is trying to teach her kids sex is for marriage this is what I believe is for their best.

[Lisbeth]

This is one reason for our rule re: no computers or tvs in our kids' rooms. The first thing I would do is take it out.

[Trish]

We put Net Nanny on our computer and it didn't work very well :001_huh:. Try Safe Eyes, it's what we've been using for a while now.

 

We use K9, which works well & is free.

[mereminerals]

I would recommend Preparing You Son for Every Man's Battle for your sons age. Every Young Man's Battle is recommended for older teens. Preparing You Son is meant to be done together and would be a good way for your husband to come along side your son.

[danybug]

We have K-9 installed here and for free filtering it is great.

 

A book suggestion that I think every man should read is "Think Before You Look" by Daniel Henderson. I bought it for my dh and dad. And both were really convicted by it.

 

I am sorry your ds eyes had to see that. It is so saddening. I do also agree you should make sure your ds does not feel shame that may stick with him over this.

[Incognito]

K9 is good, but I wouldn't call it great. I was easily able to get around it (without using my password) once when I was trying to find out what some odd thing I'd heard about was (I think some slang word from this board, actually). I didn't see any inappropriate videos, but pictures. But I wasn't trying to see video either.

 

And, FWIW, it is very easy for someone to delete the bad things in their history on the computer browser, or browse in the privacy mode. I am pretty sure there are things out there that can record all internet sites visited separately from the browser for accountabiility, but the browser itself is easy to clean up if you want to.

[mymonkeybug]

This!!! I just ( as in less than 12 hours ago!!!) went through this with my curious dd and her smartphone -:glare:. I am at a loss also...

 

OP - I know exactly how you feel and have the same struggles with what to do NOW???

Thanks for posting it's blessed me more than I can say.

 

Vickie

 

Vickie-

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this also. It just broke your heart didn't it? I have cried for 2 days-on and off of course.

 

Sadly, I wasn't raised Christian and had a mom who felt it the norm to put me on BC as soon as I was permitted to begin dating at 15. I have certainly learned, as we all should have, from how our parents raised us.

 

My prayers are with you and any parent facing this right now.

[mymonkeybug]

:grouphug: I have a 13 yr old boy who will be 14 in a few days. I can just imagine how this would make me feel just as you do. This is exactly why I am one who doesn't teach my children all about sex early on. Why do they need to know too much about it when they aren't using it? I know many people will disagree with this but as a christian mom and one who is trying to teach her kids sex is for marriage this is what I believe is for their best.

 

I understand your feeling this way about teaching sex. I was taught early on and hubby was never taught. Hubby trusts me with this type of thing and I taught both kids about this act being for marriage for the purpose of procreation and as an act of love between a husband and wife. They understand how a baby is created but in looking back now, I don't know that I would have gone into that much detail yet.

[mymonkeybug]

 

And, FWIW, it is very easy for someone to delete the bad things in their history on the computer browser, or browse in the privacy mode. I am pretty sure there are things out there that can record all internet sites visited separately from the browser for accountabiility, but the browser itself is easy to clean up if you want to.

 

I know the browser is easy to clean up, I simply told DS I could see whatever he looked at as a means of letting him know that Mom knows even when you think she doesn't kind of thing. Maybe I am naive, but unless someone has shown him how to do that though, I doubt he would figure it out on his own. Again, naive maybe on this but...

[mymonkeybug]

Another continued Thanks to everyone that has popped in to comment and suggest books, safety programs, etc...they have all been great and very helpful.

 

Please keep them coming.

 

And thank you to those that have applauded DS and myself for the relationship we have and for giving him kuddos for the trust he has in me to come to me with things like this. That trust is something I have worked so diligently on with both kids since birth. If you don't have their trust, even a small amount that can be built upon, then IMO they are lost to the WORLD.

[Trish]

K9 is good, but I wouldn't call it great. I was easily able to get around it (without using my password) once when I was trying to find out what some odd thing I'd heard about was (I think some slang word from this board, actually). I didn't see any inappropriate videos, but pictures. But I wasn't trying to see video either.

 

And, FWIW, it is very easy for someone to delete the bad things in their history on the computer browser, or browse in the privacy mode. I am pretty sure there are things out there that can record all internet sites visited separately from the browser for accountabiility, but the browser itself is easy to clean up if you want to.

 

Another thing we do, is, we don't let our kids delete the browsing history. If it is deleted, we treat that the same way as if they had gone to a bad site. Because...why else would you delete?

[Mimm]

Another thing we do, is, we don't let our kids delete the browsing history. If it is deleted, we treat that the same way as if they had gone to a bad site. Because...why else would you delete?

 

You can delete specific things. You don't have to wipe the entire history.

[tntgoodwin]

I second putting it in a family room. I hear good things about Covenant Eyes as well.

An important thing to know though, is that if he really wants to look at that stuff, he will find a way. Kids are clever and resourceful. And eventually, I assume, he will move out on his own. The key isn't just blocking access as best you can and constant monitoring, the key is for him to have a heart that loves God and detests sin. The filtering software and parental monitoring are supplementary tools. I suggest prayer with him and for him.

[ereks mom]

Oh moms please give advice and suggestions. I am truly floundering here.

 

Last night our 10 year old daughter was using her NOOK to pull up music videos on Youtube. A site she is not supposed to go to. So we had her and her almost 13 year old brother come into the room so we could discuss again internet safety and sites that are OK and sites that are not. I also explained to our son how I can go on his computer and see every site he has been on and what he is doing. Well over the next 20 minutes or so I guess his conscience got to him and he came to me. I am the sex educator in our home as hubby was never taught anything while growing up and has admitted to not having any clue how to have THOSE talks with either child.

 

Well low and behold DS explained that out of curiosity he did an internet search on Yahoo because he was curious about how people have sex and wound up on a site that was nothing but porn and showed actual couples having intercourse and women performing oral on men. He was quite sincere as tears welled in his eyes about how disgusting it all was and how he is very sad that he saw it.

 

My question to you all is how do I correct this from a Christian perspective as we are raising them as such and teaching them sex was created by God for marriage. Are there any books by reputable authors on how to work through something like this and help a tween boy understand the difference between porn/wordly lust and sin and God's design for the act of sexual intercourse?

 

Yes, we are placing blocks on his laptop and even considering removing it from his room and putting it in a public place within the home. Hubby of course wanted to smash it and punish him but I spoke gently to DS about how his curiosity is natural but in the future he needs to come to us for questions about these things.

 

Thanks so much in advance!

 

I was the sex educator in our home too, but dh was available when ER had questions he didn't want to discuss with me. Still, we had a similar incident to the one you describe when ER was about the same age as your ds. He didn't see any hardcore stuff, but he did see nudity. Dh took the lead and talked frankly with ER; we monitored his computer usage more carefully after that, but there was no punishement involved. Curiosity is normal, and boys need to be able to talk to their dads about sexual matters. Your dh needs to put aside his inhibitions and talk to his son. I think you are right in placing blocks on his laptop, and I definitely think that tweens and teens should be permitted to use a computer only in a public area of the home.

[bobbeym]

Another continued Thanks to everyone that has popped in to comment and suggest books, safety programs, etc...they have all been great and very helpful.

 

Please keep them coming.

 

And thank you to those that have applauded DS and myself for the relationship we have and for giving him kuddos for the trust he has in me to come to me with things like this. That trust is something I have worked so diligently on with both kids since birth. If you don't have their trust, even a small amount that can be built upon, then IMO they are lost to the WORLD.

 

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your kids. Kuddos to you for that!

 

We had a similiar problem with DS14 when he was younger, maybe around that same age. It took a lot of talks and very limited access to all things electronic but we're past it.

 

Another good filter is Action Alert. It is inexpensive ($25, I think) and can be installed on multiple computers. It has a feature to video record every website visited. So far DS14 hasn't been able to get around it, although I'm not sure he's courageous enough to even try. ;)

 

Right now our current issue is that we won't let him have a girlfriend, but I keep telling him that he can have all the friend girls he wants, but that the only purpose to date and/or have a girlfriend is to find your potential mate and at 14, he doesn't need to be worrying about that. Unfortunately, he thinks that b/c his big brother met his intended at a young age, he will too.

[mymonkeybug]

It is a real blessing to have been able to post this matter in here and get so many great ideas and suggestions. Again, I can't say Thank You enough to you all.

[mymonkeybug]

 

Right now our current issue is that we won't let him have a girlfriend, but I keep telling him that he can have all the friend girls he wants, but that the only purpose to date and/or have a girlfriend is to find your potential mate and at 14, he doesn't need to be worrying about that. Unfortunately, he thinks that b/c his big brother met his intended at a young age, he will too.

 

 

UGH!!!!! We have the same beliefs as you about dating. Sadly ds has developed a keen interest in the opposite sex already and we have had to check him on his comments when he sees a female he feels is attractive. Admittedly hubby and I have discussed changing our sinful ways and comments also since we are famous for joking around about attraction in front of the children. We always knew it was sinful behavior but it slapped us in the face during this incident. I am ashamed that I haven't been a more Godly wife in that regard. However, I am forgiven and can forgive myself and move forward and correct the sinful behavior.

 

I wish you all the patience and grace of God during this time with your ds and his desire for a gf.

[Audrey]

I think you did the right thing, and that your dh's reaction was far too extreme and wouldn't have solved anything, so I'm glad he let you handle the situation.

 

I also commend your son for being truthful. He sounds like a great kid!

 

:iagree: and I've had similar talks with my own ds. It is important that they know what loving sexuality is (in whatever way you define that). It is equally important that we, as parents, help guide our kids in safe and appropriate internet usage. There is soooooo much out there that is inappropriate, even for adults! I remind my son of the fact that "what has been seen cannot be unseen," and tell him that even I, as an adult, have been very, very sorry I googled some things (this has to do not only with sexual things, but also with violent things).

[goldberry]

Just :grouphug:...this was me with my 10 yo DAUGHTER a few years ago. Daughters are not immune! She was very sorrowful, we handled it with intense discussion and good monitoring software. No further problems.