Immiment pet death and my 4yo

[nmoira]

One of our cats is probably going to be euthanized Thursday and I'm not sure how to deal with my 4yo. She's very much a "fixer" and she's going to be devastated that she can't fix things for him. She knows he's sick, but we didn't know just how sick until today (autoimmune issues). There will be a couple additional tests tomorrow, but it doesn't look good. Since he's in pain, we don't want to drag things out if there are no reasonable measures we can take.

 

We're going to have a time for the girls to say goodbye, and I'll stay with him after that, but beyond that I have no idea how to handle this. My older girl will be sad, and there will be tears of course, but my youngest spent her entire bedtime telling me all the things she was going to do for him tomorrow to make him feel better. I'm emotional enough -- this kitty is my baby who never grew up -- but her certainty was emotionally overwhelming.

 

I'd appreciate any BTDT advice.

[Chris in VA]

Depending on your views, you could have a funeral.

We have a little "plot" in the side of the front yard where numerous gerbils have been buried. No stones or anything!

 

When our old, old kitty died (she was 22), our then youngest couldn't bear to part with her. Our kitty laid in state on the couch overnight, wrapped gently in a towel. Dh digs the holes for our pet funerals. We place the body, and go around and say a few sweet words. Sometimes the kids say something. Everyone cries a little (well, not so much for the gerbils, honestly--they are a touch harder to bond with than the kitties). Then dh gently shovels the dirt back in. We say a prayer, thanking God for the life of our pet and asking for his care. We mention the verse about God taking care of the sparrows. We don't say the pet is in heaven, exactly (not sure theologically where we are on that one, honestly). It's sad and sweet.

 

I don't shield dc too much from death. Pets are part of the family here. We've gone thru several people deaths, and they've all been to funerals. We live right next to the church cemetery, and know a few people who have been buried there. Pet funerals seem to honor the pet, and the time we shared. I don't find them silly or frivolous. Children's grief (and our grief) is real and should be allowed to run its course. A funeral seems to help.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Soph the vet]

Hi Moira,

I think Chris's idea of a funeral is great. It is totally normal for kids to grieve and talk about their pet for quite a while after losing them and a funeral helps with "closure". It may also give them a sense of having honored their pet in some way.

 

As for the euthanasia, I would not bring your dc with you. Maybe you have already considered that. Some families come in with dc way too young to be present and they end up shooing them into the waiting area. Even teens have a hard time in the room and I discourage them being there but ultimately it is up to the family. IMO, the best thing to do is have them say good-bye to their pet at home and then only the adults bring the pet in for the euthanasia.

 

If you are burying your kitty at home, your vet will probably send her home in a cardboard casket, just FYI. Maybe your dc could decorate it before you bury the casket so they feel they've been involved in some way.

 

As for the autoimmune disease, unless your kitty is in severe kidney failure, you could try high dose steroid therapy to buy more time with the dc and give kitty some relief, some even go into "remission" of sorts. But maybe you have already tried that.

So sorry you are experiencing this trial.

Soph

[kalanamak]

 

As for the euthanasia, I would not bring your dc with you. Maybe you have already considered that. Some families come in with dc way too young to be present and they end up shooing them into the waiting area. Even teens have a hard time in the room and I discourage them being there but ultimately it is up to the family. IMO, the best thing to do is have them say good-bye to their pet at home and then only the adults bring the pet in for the euthanasia.

 

Soph

 

My son is also "the medic" and was calm and alert at the putting down of a cat and a dog. He is good at "believing" my explanation of things, and I simply told him it was for the best, and even at four he could see that the animal was sick and not itself. Similarly, he was unflapped when I had to rush off to be with GM when she was dying. My catchphrase, gleaned from I can't remember where, it to remind them when a thing is dead, it feels no pain. That relief is a comfort to both him and me.

 

Now then, hubby had a hard time leaving the dogs body, and we left him lying there until the place closed.....

[nmoira]

Thanks everyone.

 

As for the euthanasia, I would not bring your dc with you.

When I was a teen, our 15yo family dog developed kidney failure, and I had to have her euthanized. My parents were out of town, so the responsibility fell to me. Twenty-five years later, I still have a crystal clear memory of the experience. I guess this is a long way of saying they won't be there.

[ticklbee]

Depending on your views, you could have a funeral.

We have a little "plot" in the side of the front yard where numerous gerbils have been buried. No stones or anything!

 

When our old, old kitty died (she was 22), our then youngest couldn't bear to part with her. Our kitty laid in state on the couch overnight, wrapped gently in a towel. Dh digs the holes for our pet funerals. We place the body, and go around and say a few sweet words. Sometimes the kids say something. Everyone cries a little (well, not so much for the gerbils, honestly--they are a touch harder to bond with than the kitties). Then dh gently shovels the dirt back in. We say a prayer, thanking God for the life of our pet and asking for his care. We mention the verse about God taking care of the sparrows. We don't say the pet is in heaven, exactly (not sure theologically where we are on that one, honestly). It's sad and sweet.

 

I don't shield dc too much from death. Pets are part of the family here. We've gone thru several people deaths, and they've all been to funerals. We live right next to the church cemetery, and know a few people who have been buried there. Pet funerals seem to honor the pet, and the time we shared. I don't find them silly or frivolous. Children's grief (and our grief) is real and should be allowed to run its course. A funeral seems to help.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

This is almost exactly how we handle it. My dd's guinea pig died recently after 5 yrs. Both my girls sat with her until her very last breath. It was very, very sad and emotional for them. So many tears. We wrapped her in a blanket and put her in a shoebox and had a funeral. Dh prayed and the girls put up a marker and put a little fence around it. I basically let them do whatever they wanted to do to the "plot." For the first week my oldest dd would go out and sit by it and then go out before bed to say goodnight. She cried herself to sleep for a few days and she also talked about her constantly for about a week.

 

We replaced the guinea pig with two new babies and they love them. My oldest dd still misses her first one but the pain of the loss has faded with time.

 

Just let your 4 yo grieve in anyway that she needs to and just be there to support her.

[Tammyla]

(((Moira)))

 

I don't much more than the other ladies offered. We made little garden memory stones.

 

Making a pet comfortable towards the end is helping them feel better. That might comfort your little one. Even though she can't make him all better, she could help him feel better. We sent our dear dog off wrapped in a special blanket.

 

I wish you peace.

[Tammy]

My advice....is to go out and get another kitty the next day (if you want one).

[readwithem]

Just a book idea which may or may not be appropriate - the 10th Good thing about Barney, (or something like that) by Tomie dePaola. It's a sweet book where the child lists out 10 things about his deceased pet that he likes.

 

Hugs and good for you for being sensitive to your child!

[newbie]

My advice....is to go out and get another kitty the next day (if you want one).

 

:iagree:This worked for when my dd's had to go through first pet death four yrs. ago.

 

Our first cat died and we let the vet take care of it. We did not have funeral just a talk. Two days later we were all depressed, so I had the girls and I go online and look at cats, and ask if they wanted another one and they said yes. We loved our first cat dearly, and knew nothing could replace him. Our new kitten took our mind off things. But I regret not having a funeral.

 

We lost second cat last yr. , he was old. This time I bought a plot and had a funeral. Made a world of difference.

 

I am sorry for your loss of your family member. It is so hard.

 

Jet

[Kuovonne]

Hi,

 

You have my deepest sympathy. We had to have our pet cat put down last month, and it was tough on the whole family. We knew it was coming, so we talked about it a lot. DH took out cat to the vet by himself, and then brought the body home for burial. Both girls got a chance to say goodbye.

 

Mostly we have been very open about death in our family. (Both my parents are passed away, and I had to explain why to DD5). We talked about how doctors (and animal doctors) can't save everyone, and everyone dies eventually. We talked about neighbor's pets that have died. The hardest part was answering DD's question about what happened to the cat after he died (re: going to heaven).

[Twinmom]

I'm so sorry. We lost a dog last November to an accident, and I know how hard it is! My kiddos took it hard. I second (or third) the idea of a funeral. That would have been great for our kids. We weren't able to do it due to the cause of death and aftermath, but I know it would have brought closure.

 

We shared a lot of things about death from our faith with the kids, and they found that comforting. Beware that if your four year old is anything like mine, she'll be telling total strangers about the passing for sometime to come. Giving her the words she needs to verbalize this will help.