Bah - Should I even bother? (Mother issues)

[SJ.]

Anyone out there up for some long, convoluted mother issues? My issues are complex and require a complex back story but I will try to be as brief as I can but this post will probably get long. Here goes, hopefully I make sense and don't get too rambly!

 

1. First Back-story

I grew up in a household with an abusive father and lots of screaming, yelling, and fighting. When I was 17 I mentioned joining the military because despite my good grades and high test scores I was told (by my parents) that there was no way I could go to college. I was told I was not permitted to go into the military. My last few years of high school were hellish, you could probably say my whole childhood was hellish. To escape I joined the military when I turned 18 and just left home. My parents were extremely angry, going so far as to call the police and report me as a runaway despite the fact that I was 18. I did not speak to either of them for a few years, nor did they try to speak to me. My parents divorced and by talking to my brother I began talking to my mom again.

 

2. Second Back-story

My relationship with my mom had never been extremely close but we began talking multiple times a week. She always told me that I should call my dad and that she wouldn't be mad if I had a relationship with him. When I went to my hometown to visit she would tell me to visit him, thought I did not.

 

I am very interested in family history and have done extensive research on my mom's family and my dh's family background. I realized my children would probably want to know about my father's background and decided I should research it. I mentioned it to my brother who in turn mentioned it to my mom. She just out of the blue told him that I shouldn't bother since he isn't my father. She called me that week and said the same thing to me, just out of the blue and very nonchalantly like we were talking about the weather.

 

Basically she said that she has been worried that the genetic testing (we did testing as part of a study at the NIH due to an eye condition my son has) our family did would show I was part Italian. She said I shouldn't bother looking into my dad's history because he was not my dad. She said, "think about it, you look nothing like your brother." I mentioned the blood types (mentioned below) she did not dispute this.

 

This declaration reminded me of a few things:

- when fighting with my dad my mom would say to him that I probably wasn't even his daughter

- when we learned about blood typing in high school the blood types my parents said were theirs did not make my blood type

 

I think my mom thought I wouldn't care, maybe I would be glad, since I did not have a relationship with my dad. It turns out I did/do care and I was/am very upset. I had a lot of questions. A friend of mine suggested I call my mom and ask her right away before my mom could change the subject. I did. My mom was furious and said she lied to me, none of it was true. I was upset and crying. She hung up on me. She never called me back, ever. It has been a few years.

 

I know my mom and knew that immediately following that event she felt I was the one that wronged her. I knew that if I called her or she called me she would ignore the problem and pretend it never happened. I couldn't do that with something that important. I knew if I called the same would happen and she would hang up on me. In hindsight I wish I would have wrote her a letter and resolved this a long time ago.

 

I just want to add that it has never been in my mom's character to lie to me or say such hurtful things to me since I have been an adult.

 

The problem is that I do not know what to say.

 

I believe that my mother is unsure of my paternity. I believe that my mom was telling the truth the first time and lying the second when I began to ask questions. Otherwise why would she specify the Italian part? Why didn't the blood type thing surprise her? I believe that it is not unreasonable to be able to talk to her to determine why she is unsure of my paternity and to find out how sure/unsure she is about this situation. If she is completely sure I don't think it is unreasonable of me to ask who she believes my father is.

 

My mother recently contacted me (facebook PM) about a whole other set of problems that is going on in her life that involves her being evicted from her home, without money, and how the people around her trying to help her are trying to tell her what to do/run her life. That was the second part of this story and i am thinking about posting it in another thread or just letting it be. Second thread is here: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/showthread.php?p=4135679#post4135679

 

I told you it was long. Thanks for staying with me

 

SJ

Edited July 24, 2012 by SJ.

[Lawana]

I can understand why knowing your paternity is extremely important to you. I don't have any answers or suggestions, but I wish you the best.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[SJ.]

I can understand why knowing your paternity is extremely important to you. I don't have any answers or suggestions, but I wish you the best.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Thanks Lawana. It isn't just the paternity question. It is also how my mother treated me, then she ignored me, and I know she tells family how horrible I am that I don't call. Like I said we never had a close relationship but we did speak multiple times a week for a while. I know she believes she did absolutely nothing wrong. Am I supposed to just ignore all that?

[GinaPagnato]

Wow, that is convoluted.

 

Without knowing your mom, I think your assessment is correct based on the info you've given: she was telling the truth the first time and lying the second time. She either knows for sure that your bio dad is someone else, or she strongly suspects this.

 

What is it you want to do? Are you wanting to find out who bio dad is? If so, you'll have to approach her about it again, but this time either in person or in writing. Could you take your brother with you and ask her? She sounds like a very unstable woman, so it may help your nerves to have someone there with you.

 

:grouphug: You have my sympathies---this is hard.

[SJ.]

Wow, that is convoluted.

 

Without knowing your mom, I think your assessment is correct based on the info you've given: she was telling the truth the first time and lying the second time. She either knows for sure that your bio dad is someone else, or she strongly suspects this.

 

What is it you want to do? Are you wanting to find out who bio dad is? If so, you'll have to approach her about it again, but this time either in person or in writing. Could you take your brother with you and ask her? She sounds like a very unstable woman, so it may help your nerves to have someone there with you.

 

:grouphug: You have my sympathies---this is hard.

 

Thanks Gina. She lives across the country so a visit in person is not likely to happen.

 

To be honest I don't really *miss* her but I mourn for a mother/daughter relationship. Honestly I don't think I can have that type of relationship with her. I don't want years to go by and to regret having her out of my life. I feel bad when my youngest, who last saw her when he was two and doesn't remember, gets confused and asks if she is still alive. I would like to go back for a visit and see family but feel I can't do so unless I visit with her and frankly I would like to see her and like my boys to know her.

 

I just feel so wronged by her and this situation. I feel horrible that she couldn't call me and apologize. I feel bad that she can't be a mother to me.

[Starr]

It's painful not having a parent that is able to parent. It may be time to let things go. Accept her as she is and work on your relationship with your own children. :grouphug:

[besroma]

I am so sorry you have had so much pain for so long.

 

I do wish for you that you will have some closure and peace. :grouphug:

[Lawana]

To be honest I don't really *miss* her but I mourn for a mother/daughter relationship.

And you probably always will. My father died 28 years ago, and I was and am happy that he's gone. The damage he inflicted still doesn't negate the desire to have had an acceptable relationship.

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks Lawana. It isn't just the paternity question. It is also how my mother treated me, then she ignored me, and I know she tells family how horrible I am that I don't call. Like I said we never had a close relationship but we did speak multiple times a week for a while. I know she believes she did absolutely nothing wrong. Am I supposed to just ignore all that?

 

I don't see how you could possibly ignore it. And I think your mother is being absolutely terrible. I don't understand how she could so flippantly tell you this man isn't your father, then refuse to discuss it. What an awful thing to do. Of course you want to know who your bio dad is. I don't understand why she wouldn't discuss this with you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks Gina. She lives across the country so a visit in person is not likely to happen.

 

To be honest I don't really *miss* her but I mourn for a mother/daughter relationship. Honestly I don't think I can have that type of relationship with her. I don't want years to go by and to regret having her out of my life. I feel bad when my youngest, who last saw her when he was two and doesn't remember, gets confused and asks if she is still alive. I would like to go back for a visit and see family but feel I can't do so unless I visit with her and frankly I would like to see her and like my boys to know her.

 

I just feel so wronged by her and this situation. I feel horrible that she couldn't call me and apologize. I feel bad that she can't be a mother to me.

 

I know you want a mother/daughter relationship, and you DESERVE one. It just doesn't sound like that will happen. To keep on trying will open you up to more heartache.

 

If you accept your mom right where she is, HOW SHE IS and not what you wish she was, you decide whether or not you could handle a relationship with her. Be realistic. She will likely never be the mom you wish she could be. If you can accept that, you won't keep getting hurt and disappointed.

 

Try to have that relationship with YOUR kids. I just don't know what else to say. It may be better even for your kids to not know her. Only you can decide that.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Wow. I can only say that if you do try to patch things up or "friend" her FB, she will hurt you again. It would only be a matter of time.

[SJ.]

And you probably always will. My father died 28 years ago, and I was and am happy that he's gone. The damage he inflicted still doesn't negate the desire to have had an acceptable relationship.

 

Thanks for understanding and validating my feelings.

I don't see how you could possibly ignore it. And I think your mother is being absolutely terrible. I don't understand how she could so flippantly tell you this man isn't your father, then refuse to discuss it. What an awful thing to do. Of course you want to know who your bio dad is. I don't understand why she wouldn't discuss this with you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't understand either Denise.

 

I know you want a mother/daughter relationship, and you DESERVE one. It just doesn't sound like that will happen. To keep on trying will open you up to more heartache.

 

If you accept your mom right where she is, HOW SHE IS and not what you wish she was, you decide whether or not you could handle a relationship with her. Be realistic. She will likely never be the mom you wish she could be. If you can accept that, you won't keep getting hurt and disappointed.

 

Try to have that relationship with YOUR kids. I just don't know what else to say. It may be better even for your kids to not know her. Only you can decide that.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You are right. I know I will never have that type of relationship. I know she is unstable and will always be that way unless she gets some type of mental health help. Instead I will always find myself feeling like the parent figure who needs to fix her problems. I think I can accept that and distance myself from her problems. *I think* it is possible since I live so far away.

[SJ.]

Wow. I can only say that if you do try to patch things up or "friend" her FB, she will hurt you again. It would only be a matter of time.

 

I am sure you are right. I have received three messages from her in the past two days regarding some problems she is going through right now.

[SJ.]

It's painful not having a parent that is able to parent. It may be time to let things go. Accept her as she is and work on your relationship with your own children. :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry you have had so much pain for so long.

 

I do wish for you that you will have some closure and peace. :grouphug:

Thanks. :grouphug: