Prayers Pls, Domestic Violence

[Impish]

Wolf went to our old city on Fri. Was seeing his best friend.

Since he got back, he seemed withdrawn, in our room alone more than normal, and snappy when he was around us. I honestly believed that it had do to w/me being worn out, and that I was being...irritable...b/c of everything going on. I figured that the carp w/my mother and MIL, as well as other outside factors, were having a negative impact on my marriage. I mean, he just got back from spending time w/his best friend, so he should've been in a great mood, etc, so obviously the issue was here at home, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Long story short, Wolf witnessed his best friend being abused by his wife. Apparently, they were sitting in the garage, yapping, having a cpl of beers, when the wife appeared, freaking out. She took 'R' outside, and Wolf heard the sound of someone being hit, and saw his friend stagger by the half open door. She then proceded to tell Wolf that he was no longer welcome in her house, to get out. She left, and buddy basically confessed that this was an ongoing thing, and he didn't know how much longer he could hack it. To save buddy from even more turmoil (wife came back and kicked the garage door open while Wolf was getting ready to leave) Wolf spent the night in the van.

 

Wolf felt guilty. And befuddled. Couldn't understand what he and R had done to provoke her. I gently explained that it had nothing to do w/either one of them, that it was all on her. He was so bewildered, saying, "We were sitting there talking, we didn't even have music playing...we'd only had 2 beers, we weren't drunk or loud, or anything..."

 

He told R that if R needed ANYTHING, a place to go, whatever, to call us.

 

R is such a lovely man, truly. I mean, it wouldn't matter if he was an ack, nobody deserves to be abused, but he's one of those, 'give you the shirt off his back' kinda guys.

 

We're both frightened for him. That she would go off like that, w/a witness present, says to both of us that she's becoming more dangerous.

 

We're also worried that R is feeling embarassed/humiliated, and it will cause him to avoid Wolf's calls, isolating him further.

 

Praying that he gets himself out of that situation asap.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: to you and Wolf, and thoughts for R. I hope he gets out of that situation soon, and safely.

[Live2Ride]

:grouphug: prayers. Many men are abused and are embarrassed to say anything. I hope he gets out before anything more happens.

[Denisemomof4]

That's really sad. D they have kids? I do hope he gets out fast. Does he have family or other close friends nearby he could stay with?

 

It would be good if Wolf could encourage him to leave.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: for Wolf and his friend.

[justLisa]

:grouphug: Just wow

[Blueridge]

I am so sorry he witnessed that. Just incredibly terrible on many levels.

[Osmosis Mom]

Sounds a bit surreal to me. What kind of man is not able to take his car keys and leave? Does he work? Does he have a bank account? I find this pretty weird.

[abba12]

Please encourage R that what he is experiencing is abuse, just the same as a man who did that to a woman. I would guess a man like R or Wolf would absolutely go nuts on a 'man' who did that to his wife, so why should it be acceptable for a woman to do it? A woman would call the police if that happened, but because he is a man, he probably feels like his wife is just cranky. He needs to seek help.

 

My mum was abusive towards my father, but it was only 2 years after their seperation from a 20-something year marriage that he has just now begun to realise and accept he was a victim of abuse. His behaviours with his girlfriend now are classic abuse victim behaviours and fears. It hurts so much to think of how she treated him, and how us children thought it was normal, because he acted like it was normal, and mum told us it was justified. As an adult, I struggle with feeling I deserve the same treatment my father recieved, because it's only this past year or two that anyone has ever told me what happened was wrong.

 

I would suggest seeing a counsellor, but he has to be careful to find someone that won't place shame on the idea of a female abuser. It's so hard for people like him to find help. If he accepts that it's an issue he may be able to find support and resources online. It's so frustrating that helping him is so hard because of this stigma.

 

Best of luck to you all...

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds a bit surreal to me. What kind of man is not able to take his car keys and leave? Does he work? Does he have a bank account? I find this pretty weird.

 

People are often in denial when this happens to them. I'm sure he truly loves his wife and finds this hard to admit even to himself that this is happening. I don't think it is ever a good idea to blame the victim.

[justLisa]

People are often in denial when this happens to them. I'm sure he truly loves his wife and finds this hard to admit even to himself that this is happening. I don't think it is ever a good idea to blame the victim.

 

My grandmother was evil to my grandpa until the day he died :crying:

 

It was most definitely abuse and I'd smack the first person defending her.

 

It makes me so mad how much this happens and that men have to some how feel different about it, then if the tables were turned.

 

Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse.

[Osmosis Mom]

People are often in denial when this happens to them. I'm sure he truly loves his wife and finds this hard to admit even to himself that this is happening. I don't think it is ever a good idea to blame the victim.

 

I don't meant to imply that I am blaming the victim. I meant to indicate that it should be pretty straight-forward for a man to walk out. I have to admit I am flabber-gasted that a man who is financially independent (as most men are with the woman usually being the only one who might be without an income etc.) is a victim who cannot walk out and leave such a situation.

[justLisa]

I don't meant to imply that I am blaming the victim. I meant to indicate that it should be pretty straight-forward for a man to walk out. I have to admit I am flabber-gasted that a man who is financially independent (as most men are with the woman usually being the only one who might be without an income etc.) is a victim who cannot walk out and leave such a situation.

 

Having a job does not necessarily make a victim any more able to leave

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't meant to imply that I am blaming the victim. I meant to indicate that it should be pretty straight-forward for a man to walk out. I have to admit I am flabber-gasted that a man who is financially independent (as most men are with the woman usually being the only one who might be without an income etc.) is a victim who cannot walk out and leave such a situation.

 

While you are correct that often women are hampered by leaving by financial dependence, they often do not leave (at least right away) when they are provided a way to leave financially. It is no different for men. He is emeshed emotionally. Once he realizes that he really deserves better, then hopefully he will take Wolf up on his offer or will go somewhere on his own. If he has children, it becomes more difficult because often custody is given to women. To have to fight to prove that his wife abuses him is difficult on many levels for a man.

[Denisemomof4]

I still want to know if children are involved. He could be taking a beating to save his children. He may be staying to save his children.

 

He has his reasons for staying. It might be loyalty, might be love, might be the stigma. We don't know.

 

Osmosis Mom - it is totally understandable for you to feel the way you do. It is your experience that the man is the leader and the dominant one. I am sure you hold that belief, but it is just not everyone's reality.

[momacacia]

Is there a reason the cops are not called every single time, to establish a police record for future divorce/child custody proceedings (if there are kids involved)???

 

I realize it's embarrassing for a man to call the cops and I'm sure she'd pull a "but he hit me," when the police arrived . . . but done often enough, and I'm sure the cops see some of these nowadays, they'd start believing the guy. Other men tend to recognize a "shirt off your back" kind of guy when they show up . . . the cops should be called! I also suspect him calling the cops would put her over the edge and they might get to see her anger and abusiveness in action.

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, Denise, you make it sound as if I feel the woman is helpless. I don't.

 

I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a man would take physical abuse and not fight back or leave. When a woman is hit by her spouse/partner, then she does not hit back because she feels powerless and physically is weaker than the man so there is a difference in actual power ability, right? I mean, she takes the hit and she is emotionally and psychologically involved and in denial.

 

How can it be the same game for the man? Explain it to me. Are we talking women who are physically very strong or men who are emotionally in denial?

 

I mean, it sounds extreme that a man gets pulled out and beat up (or slapped) as his friend is standing in the next room. What is even weirder is that the friend does not peek out, does not interfere or does anything. If it had been a woman being beat up, then everyone would have gotten furious if witnesses had interfered. I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

[gardenmom5]

People are often in denial when this happens to them. I'm sure he truly loves his wife and finds this hard to admit even to himself that this is happening. I don't think it is ever a good idea to blame the victim.

 

:iagree: women will make excuses - men doubly so. and then when men *finally* say "wait a minute", the support system in place to him DV *victims* are sometimes denied them due to the PC mantra that ONLY women are abused and ONLY men are abusers.

 

Imp - I don't know what services you have in canada, can you or wolf find out what is availabe near where his friend lives and quietly let him know? most absuers are most violent when the abusee seeks to escape so planning is required. (does she know where you live?) do they have any children?

 

I've a friend who was physically abused - she made excuses for years, until one day she didn't and left.

[freeindeed]

Oh, how sad. I am praying.

[oldskool]

Well, Denise, you make it sound as if I feel the woman is helpless. I don't.

 

I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a man would take physical abuse and not fight back or leave. When a woman is hit by her spouse/partner, then she does not hit back because she feels powerless and physically is weaker than the man so there is a difference in actual power ability, right? I mean, she takes the hit and she is emotionally and psychologically involved and in denial.

 

How can it be the same game for the man? Explain it to me. Are we talking women who are physically very strong or men who are emotionally in denial?

 

I mean, it sounds extreme that a man gets pulled out and beat up (or slapped) as his friend is standing in the next room. What is even weirder is that the friend does not peek out, does not interfere or does anything. If it had been a woman being beat up, then everyone would have gotten furious if witnesses had interfered. I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

 

I can't understand how you can think abuse is gender specific. Why do you feel that way? And to question why as a friend he didn't speak up is also strange. I would think he didn't want to make the situation escalate into something worse than it was already (which would not have helped his friend) and probably was shocked that it was happening at all.

[gardenmom5]

Well, Denise, you make it sound as if I feel the woman is helpless. I don't.

 

I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a man would take physical abuse and not fight back or leave. When a woman is hit by her spouse/partner, then she does not hit back because she feels powerless and physically is weaker than the man so there is a difference in actual power ability, right? I mean, she takes the hit and she is emotionally and psychologically involved and in denial.

 

How can it be the same game for the man? Explain it to me. Are we talking women who are physically very strong or men who are emotionally in denial?

 

I mean, it sounds extreme that a man gets pulled out and beat up (or slapped) as his friend is standing in the next room. What is even weirder is that the friend does not peek out, does not interfere or does anything. If it had been a woman being beat up, then everyone would have gotten furious if witnesses had interfered. I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

 

men who are victimized by their wives will makes excuses for their wife because there are too many people who have the same attitude as you - men can't be victims, and why don't they hit back. to admit they are victims is doubly hard because they are men and supposedly stronger and people DO blame them for being a victim.

 

Men are conditioned from childhood to not hit a woman. when men inadvertantly or deliberatly hit back at a woman who is whacking the living daylights out of them - guess who ends up in jail? the man, because 'oh, he's bigger than her and men aren't vicitims". happens. all. the. time.

 

why do women tolerate an abuser for years? the guy goes to work. he goes to the bar and get's drunk. she could leave when he's gone. why doesn't she? same reason a man doesn't leave when his abusive wife is asleep etc.

 

eta: outsiders can be afraid to interefere that they might just end up making things worse after they've left.

[dangermom]

Men do get abused. They don't hit back because they have been taught never to hit a woman. And they live in denial because "men don't get abused by women." But it absolutely happens; it's not even uncommon, but people don't believe it so it doesn't get addressed. Then the male victim often ends up the one arrested if police are called, because everyone knows that men are always the aggressors. It's just not true.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Wolf went to our old city on Fri. Was seeing his best friend.

Wolf felt guilty. And befuddled. Couldn't understand what he and R had done to provoke her. I gently explained that it had nothing to do w/either one of them, that it was all on her. He was so bewildered, saying, "We were sitting there talking, we didn't even have music playing...we'd only had 2 beers, we weren't drunk or loud, or anything..."

 

He told R that if R needed ANYTHING, a place to go, whatever, to call us

 

From my personal view the wife did this in front of Wolf for a number of different reasons. One is the emotional aspect of Wolf seeing/hearing what happens. I bet that R has worked hard to hide what is happening from Wolf, his best friend. The horror for R is that now Wolf knows, and R is probably terrified that Wold views him as less of a man for "allowing" this to happen. The second issue that comes to mind is that this attack is part of an isolation plan the wife has. One of the first things an abuser works to destroy is the care and support system the abusee has (I hate the word victim). When we're isolated people don't see the abuse, and it can thusly intensify. The isolation also makes it so that the abusee has no place to go, making it harder to get away. A double wammy is that if someone DOES know about the abuse the shame can make the abusee turn away from the friend that knows.

 

Clear as mud? I'm not sure if what's going on makes sense to anyone that has not been personally involved in domestic violence.

 

It is a blessing in disguise that Wolf witnessed all this. He can testify in court for R now. Witnesses, proof, and all those legal niceties are *very* hard to get.

 

I'm torn between suggesting you ride in like the cavalry and get R the heck out and saying wait it out. The abuse I've survived only ended when I had to move in with my Mom. She was able to put me back together enough that I was able to then go out and get the help I needed. If she hadn't saved me I might still be a literal and figurative punching bag. I'm worried that R is in the abuse deep because Wolf's friendship may be the last one that his wife has gone after. There is a lot of... wearing down that occurs in the isolation stage. In my life it started with my ex-husband not "feeling comfortable" around so-and-so. Then it moved on to not liking a person, then forbidding them in the house, not passing on phone messages, until the person was totally gone. A few times my ex threatened my friends lives to my face.

 

Okay, I going to stop now because this is a lot of general information and personal revelation.

[Elizabeth in MN]

Well, Denise, you make it sound as if I feel the woman is helpless. I don't.

 

I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a man would take physical abuse and not fight back or leave. When a woman is hit by her spouse/partner, then she does not hit back because she feels powerless and physically is weaker than the man so there is a difference in actual power ability, right? I mean, she takes the hit and she is emotionally and psychologically involved and in denial.

 

How can it be the same game for the man? Explain it to me. Are we talking women who are physically very strong or men who are emotionally in denial?

 

I mean, it sounds extreme that a man gets pulled out and beat up (or slapped) as his friend is standing in the next room. What is even weirder is that the friend does not peek out, does not interfere or does anything. If it had been a woman being beat up, then everyone would have gotten furious if witnesses had interfered. I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

 

In hand to hand combat I am better at defending myself than my ex-husband. Yes, I am smaller and physically weaker, but I have self defense training. However, the first punch is so emotionally devastating that it can take a while for the fight in an abusee to come up. Those of us in a domestic violence situation are almost always in emotional denial.

 

I had been with my ex-husband two years before he ever physically hit me. It was two years of emotional abuse I hadn't even noticed because it starts out so.... quietly. The first form of abuse my ex did to me was to tell me he was scared to loose our new relationship because I was still friends with an ex. Doesn't sound unreasonable, does it? But it was the first move to isolate me. The first time he hit me was two weeks after we had married - he backhanded me into a door frame. This is where the abuse is no different for men or women - I was so shocked that it happened, then so ashamed that it happened I hid it. We were newlyweds, suppose to be happy in love and still on cloud nine! This shock and shame are what an abuser builds on.

 

Abusers also build on other things. They take years to tear down out self-esteem bit by bit. It really didn't take long for me to believe that every punch was my fault because I had "provoked" him. All the feelings that women feel when in a domestic violence situation... men feel them too. Emotions do not change from gender to gender.

 

Domestic violence is NOT a game. It is a life-or-death situation each and every time.

[Joanne]

Sounds a bit surreal to me. What kind of man is not able to take his car keys and leave? Does he work? Does he have a bank account? I find this pretty weird.

 

This shows ignorance of the abuse dynamic. The abuse dynamic (the one that keeps people in abusive situations) exists regardless of the genders involved. In the case of a female abuser and male victim, certain cultural stigmas exacerbate the issue of staying.

[gardenmom5]

From my personal view the wife did this in front of Wolf for a number of different reasons. One of the first things an abuser works to destroy is the care and support system the abusee has (I hate the word victim).

Clear as mud? I'm not sure if what's going on makes sense to anyone that has not been personally involved in domestic violence.

 

It is a blessing in disguise that Wolf witnessed all this. He can testify in court for R now. Witnesses, proof, and all those legal niceties are *very* hard to get.

 

I'm torn between suggesting you ride in like the cavalry and get R the heck out and saying wait it out.. There is a lot of... wearing down that occurs in the isolation stage. Okay, I going to stop now because this is a lot of general information and personal revelation.

:grouphug: thank you for sharing your experience, and hopefully it can be used to help someone else.

 

and I think I 'see" what you are saying, fairly clearly. (but then, my grandmother emotionally abused, and her father probably physically abused. I hated seeing my grandfather so cowed he'd hardly ever speak - and if he did start speaking, she'd immediatly start talking over him. - just a scratch on the surface of what went on.)

[Impish]

That's really sad. D they have kids? I do hope he gets out fast. Does he have family or other close friends nearby he could stay with?

 

It would be good if Wolf could encourage him to leave.

Only kids are hers, and adults. As far as I know, he has no other family, or close friends.

Sounds a bit surreal to me. What kind of man is not able to take his car keys and leave? Does he work? Does he have a bank account? I find this pretty weird.

Seriously?!

I don't meant to imply that I am blaming the victim. I meant to indicate that it should be pretty straight-forward for a man to walk out. I have to admit I am flabber-gasted that a man who is financially independent (as most men are with the woman usually being the only one who might be without an income etc.) is a victim who cannot walk out and leave such a situation.

Uh, yeah, you are blaming him. You obviously have no clue as to the psychological abuse that happens in abusive relationships. You're lucky to be ignorant about it.

Well, Denise, you make it sound as if I feel the woman is helpless. I don't.

 

I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a man would take physical abuse and not fight back or leave. When a woman is hit by her spouse/partner, then she does not hit back because she feels powerless and physically is weaker than the man so there is a difference in actual power ability, right? I mean, she takes the hit and she is emotionally and psychologically involved and in denial.

 

How can it be the same game for the man? Explain it to me. Are we talking women who are physically very strong or men who are emotionally in denial?

 

I mean, it sounds extreme that a man gets pulled out and beat up (or slapped) as his friend is standing in the next room. What is even weirder is that the friend does not peek out, does not interfere or does anything. If it had been a woman being beat up, then everyone would have gotten furious if witnesses had interfered. I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

First off, I'm not a liar, and I do not appreciate my truthfulness being called into question. If you had any real understanding of the dynamics of an abusive relationship, you wouldn't be questioning the situation.

 

Just b/c you don't understand it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

 

Frankly, it's attitudes like yours that make men experiencing domestic violence such a hard thing to battle.

[Denisemomof4]

Well, Denise, you make it sound as if I feel the woman is helpless. I don't.

 

I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that a man would take physical abuse and not fight back or leave. When a woman is hit by her spouse/partner, then she does not hit back because she feels powerless and physically is weaker than the man so there is a difference in actual power ability, right? I mean, she takes the hit and she is emotionally and psychologically involved and in denial.

 

How can it be the same game for the man? Explain it to me. Are we talking women who are physically very strong or men who are emotionally in denial?

 

I mean, it sounds extreme that a man gets pulled out and beat up (or slapped) as his friend is standing in the next room. What is even weirder is that the friend does not peek out, does not interfere or does anything. If it had been a woman being beat up, then everyone would have gotten furious if witnesses had interfered. I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

 

No, OM, I feel the opposite. Considering your background and beliefs, I would assume (and it is NEVER safe to assume!) that the opinion most women hold in your culture is that the man is the ruler, the dominant one, the leader. Because of that (and not saying YOU personally believe this... Because I just do not know) I understood where you were coming from with your feelings on this. I am so sorry if I offended you.

 

Honestly, I agree with you. And I specifically agree with your last paragraph. BUT, I can put myself in Wolf's shoes and be too shell shocked to act. I have definitely been in situations where I wished I had done differently afterwards. I can understand, tho, a man not getting involved in another man's marriage..... I certainly don't think Wolf did anything wrong here.

[Kathryn]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for Wolf's friend and fork you guys worrying about him. We have a domestic violence situation next door. It's heartbreaking that she keeps taking him back. Their kids are so sweet and I feel badly, but I only let my kids play with them outside, I won'Legos them go in their house. The last time he was arrested for beating her, he was also charged with kidnapping because when his son tried to leave the house to get help, he wouldn't let him go.

 

men who are victimized by their wives will makes excuses for their wife because there are too many people who have the same attitude as you - men can't be victims, and why don't they hit back. to admit they are victims is doubly hard because they are men and supposedly stronger and people DO blame them for being a victim.

 

Men are conditioned from childhood to not hit a woman. when men inadvertantly or deliberatly hit back at a woman who is whacking the living daylights out of them - guess who ends up in jail? the man, because 'oh, he's bigger than her and men aren't vicitims". happens. all. the. time.

 

why do women tolerate an abuser for years? the guy goes to work. he goes to the bar and get's drunk. she could leave when he's gone. why doesn't she? same reason a man doesn't leave when his abusive wife is asleep etc.

 

eta: outsiders can be afraid to interefere that they might just end up making things worse after they've left.

 

This shows ignorance of the abuse dynamic. The abuse dynamic (the one that keeps people in abusive situations) exists regardless of the genders involved. In the case of a female abuser and male victim, certain cultural stigmas exacerbate the issue of staying.

 

:iagree: the psychology behind abusive relationships is difficult to put into "logical" terms, especially when it's female-on-male violence.

[justamouse]

If Wolf and you can offer, please be the safe place for this man to land. He needs to know he has somewhere he can go. That might be the thing he needs to get out the door.

 

Praying, Imp.

[Denisemomof4]

There is a lapse in my responses because my battery died.

 

The last paragraph.... I can u derstand why YOU would find the scenario hard to believe. But I do not find it hard to believe as an accurate retelling of what happened. And I understand a man not stepping in another man's marriage.

 

imp has never been known to lie and I don't believw she is so I am not going to touch that.

[lionfamily1999]

 

imp has never been known to lie and I don't believw she is so I am not going to touch that.

 

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

First off, I'm not a liar, and I do not appreciate my truthfulness being called into question. If you had any real understanding of the dynamics of an abusive relationship, you wouldn't be questioning the situation.

 

Just b/c you don't understand it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

 

Frankly, it's attitudes like yours that make men experiencing domestic violence such a hard thing to battle.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I'm sorry you're feeling like your truthfulness is being questioned, Imp. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Personally, I don't understand why it would be easier for a man to leave his abusive wife than for a woman to leave her abusive husband, because the psychological issues are the same -- and maybe even worse for a man, because he's supposed to be the "strong" one. Why would anyone assume that an abused man would have any more control over things like family finances than an abused woman would? Abusers are abusers, whether they are male or female, and they are good at manipulating their victims into thinking they have no option but to stay with them.

 

As I understand it, this sort of abuse is a lot more common than most people would think, but we don't hear about it because the men are too embarrassed and humiliated to tell anyone that their wives are abusing them.

 

Imp, I feel so sorry for Wolf's friend, and for you and Wolf, too, because the most you can do is let the guy know that you're his friends and will help him in any way you can. It might also help if Wolf told him he didn't think less of him for putting up with the abuse, as the guy might be feeling really embarrassed about Wolf being a witness to his wife's cruelty. The guy may need a friend to talk to, and he needs to know that his reaction to what is happening isn't unusual, and that there's nothing wrong with him and there is no reason why he deserves to be abused.

 

The guy is lucky to have Wolf as his friend, and I hope that with encouragement, he gets up the courage to leave his abusive wife, before he ends up as a statistic on the news (and she gets away with seriously hurting or killing him, because she'll claim that he was the abusive spouse and she was acting in self-defense.) I wonder if there are any support groups in his area for male victims of abuse. It might help him to talk to others who have been through the same thing.

[Impish]

Thanks, Denise, Lionfam

If Wolf and you can offer, please be the safe place for this man to land. He needs to know he has somewhere he can go. That might be the thing he needs to get out the door.

 

Praying, Imp.

Wolf told him if he needed anything, a place to stay, anything, to call us, we'd be there.

 

He's going to call him again tomorrow, b/c he's not sure if his friend 'heard' him and realizes that yes, the offer is 100% genuine.

 

If it had been R hitting his wife, Wolf would have pounded the carp out of him. But, getting physical w/a woman? Never going to happen, so he didn't know wth to do. All he could do is leave as his friend asked him to, so that she didn't escalate more.

[Dolphin]

imp has never been known to lie and I don't believw she is so I am not going to touch that.

 

:iagree:

 

A lot of people who have never experienced or witnesses abuse thinks it happens fast. An abuser does not just wake up one day and start smacking someone around. It is a slow process.

 

Everything is good, but this one thing, so you normalize it, as other than this one thing everything is good.

 

Once that is your new normal, one other thing changes, but it is just the one thing. Other than that all is really good and you don't want to rock the boat.

 

Now this is your new normal.

 

Then there is something that you are really not comfortable, but it is probably you over-reacting as you do that sometime, and it is not that bad.

 

This is your new normal.

 

Now there is something that you really don't like, but who would you talk to as you have drifted from your friends, and SO is the center of your life, well, I guess it isn't that bad.

 

This is your new normal.

 

See where I am going? It doesn't matter if you are male or female, financially independent or not, a HS drop our or a Phd. Anyone can be the victim of abuse.

 

:grouphug:Imp and :grouphug:wolf

[Denisemomof4]

[quote name=Impish;

If it had been R hitting his wife' date=' Wolf would have pounded the carp out of him. But, getting physical w/a woman? Never going to happen, so he didn't know wth to do. All he could do is leave as his friend asked him to, so that she didn't escalate more.

[/b]

 

 

I automatically assumed this. I think many/most men would have done exactly as Wolf has.

 

Most importantly, I hope R realizes that his marriage is wrong and it is time to leave.

 

Eta: ok that's weird. imp's quote shows up when I edit and not post? I assumed Wolf would step in if his friend was beating on the wife. It is just different for a man to step in for another man. Poor R must be so humiliated.

Edited July 23, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Impish]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and understanding.

 

Cat, I'm not feeling like my truthfullness is being questioned, it was stated flat out:

I am wondering how truthful the incident is and if it indeed happened how it could happen and how a MAN can get that victimized.

[lionfamily1999]

Thanks, Denise, Lionfam

 

Wolf told him if he needed anything, a place to stay, anything, to call us, we'd be there.

 

He's going to call him again tomorrow, b/c he's not sure if his friend 'heard' him and realizes that yes, the offer is 100% genuine.

 

If it had been R hitting his wife, Wolf would have pounded the carp out of him. But, getting physical w/a woman? Never going to happen, so he didn't know wth to do. All he could do is leave as his friend asked him to, so that she didn't escalate more.

 

This is why I can't tell my boys to "never hit a woman." Dh has been in similar situations and froze, because all he was taught was that he should always treat females with care and respect. I have known women that deserved a good conk to the noggin, but they are protected by confused social rules. Ironically, all the women are equal (or better) than men training I got growing up taught me that if you dish it out you better be able to take it.

[Impish]

This is why I can't tell my boys to "never hit a woman." Dh has been in similar situations and froze, because all he was taught was that he should always treat females with care and respect. I have known women that deserved a good conk to the noggin, but they are protected by confused social rules. Ironically, all the women are equal (or better) than men training I got growing up taught me that if you dish it out you better be able to take it.

Personally, I agree w/the idea that if you hit someone, you should expect to get it back, regardless of gender. I also believe abusive women *count* on the mentality of men never hitting women. Reality is, if Wolf had hit her, hed would have been arrested.

 

The bias against men as victims of dv is strong, as evidenced in this thread.

 

If you have a woman crying that a guy hit her, and the guy saying it was in self defence, or defending his friend, who's the cop going to believe?

[lionfamily1999]

Personally, I agree w/the idea that if you hit someone, you should expect to get it back, regardless of gender. I also believe abusive women *count* on the mentality of men never hitting women. Reality is, if Wolf had hit her, hed would have been arrested.

 

The bias against men as victims of dv is strong, as evidenced in this thread.

 

If you have a woman crying that a guy hit her, and the guy saying it was in self defence, or defending his friend, who's the cop going to believe?

 

He may even believe the guy, but say he went too far.

 

It is so so so irritating.

[jelbe5]

Impish, is this the friend who was living with you just before getting married or am I making that up in my head?

 

I am so sorry your dh saw that and for the friend. It must be so humiliating and sad for him . . .

[Impish]

He may even believe the guy, but say he went too far.

 

It is so so so irritating.

:iagree:

Impish, is this the friend who was living with you just before getting married or am I making that up in my head?

 

I am so sorry your dh saw that and for the friend. It must be so humiliating and sad for him . . .

Wolf's nephew lived w/us for a time when his engagment ended...maybe that's what you're thinking of? None of the ppl we know have gotten married since we have...at least, I haven't attended any weddings :lol:

[krisperry]

Here is some more information: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page4.htm

 

Also, there was a researcher in the 80's whose data concluded that men are abused nearly as often as women. I'll see if I can't find a link to the initial research. I remember reading a bunch of articles a few years back but can't remember specific details at this moment.

[AmyontheFarm]

One of my childhood friends finally left his marriage because she was beating on him. He felt that since he was the man, he should just take it and when she wasn't so stressed (ie: he started earning more $$) then she wouldn't do it any more.

 

One day she literally punched him so hard he flew out of the front door and landed on his back. She came out the door to continue punching him and he put up his hands to block her blows to his face. In the process he touched her face. She got up and went into the house and called the cops.

 

He was on the ground, his legs numb, his face bloodied, nose broken, bruises all over his body, burn marks on his legs, unable to move and the cops arrested him because she wanted him charged with assault.

 

The one cop, leaned in and told him that they were going to arrest him because he struck his wife and there was no tolerance for it. The hospital dr, took one look at him and realized from the x-rays that there was more to the story by all the healed up fractures and scaring.

 

He truly believed in a marriage with no divorce as an option. It almost killed him. She did the same thing to the second husband.

 

We don't hear about men being abused because it isn't manly to admit it.

[Kathryn]

One of my childhood friends finally left his marriage because she was beating on him. He felt that since he was the man, he should just take it and when she wasn't so stressed (ie: he started earning more $$) then she wouldn't do it any more.

 

One day she literally punched him so hard he flew out of the front door and landed on his back. She came out the door to continue punching him and he put up his hands to block her blows to his face. In the process he touched her face. She got up and went into the house and called the cops.

 

He was on the ground, his legs numb, his face bloodied, nose broken, bruises all over his body, burn marks on his legs, unable to move and the cops arrested him because she wanted him charged with assault.

 

The one cop, leaned in and told him that they were going to arrest him because he struck his wife and there was no tolerance for it. The hospital dr, took one look at him and realized from the x-rays that there was more to the story by all the healed up fractures and scaring.

 

He truly believed in a marriage with no divorce as an option. It almost killed him. She did the same thing to the second husband.

 

We don't hear about men being abused because it isn't manly to admit it.

 

That is so sad, both for your friend and for what it says about our society.

[Impish]

Here is some more information: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page4.htm

 

Also, there was a researcher in the 80's whose data concluded that men are abused nearly as often as women. I'll see if I can't find a link to the initial research. I remember reading a bunch of articles a few years back but can't remember specific details at this moment.

Thanks for the link

One of my childhood friends finally left his marriage because she was beating on him. He felt that since he was the man, he should just take it and when she wasn't so stressed (ie: he started earning more $$) then she wouldn't do it any more.

 

One day she literally punched him so hard he flew out of the front door and landed on his back. She came out the door to continue punching him and he put up his hands to block her blows to his face. In the process he touched her face. She got up and went into the house and called the cops.

 

He was on the ground, his legs numb, his face bloodied, nose broken, bruises all over his body, burn marks on his legs, unable to move and the cops arrested him because she wanted him charged with assault.

 

The one cop, leaned in and told him that they were going to arrest him because he struck his wife and there was no tolerance for it. The hospital dr, took one look at him and realized from the x-rays that there was more to the story by all the healed up fractures and scaring.

 

He truly believed in a marriage with no divorce as an option. It almost killed him. She did the same thing to the second husband.

 

We don't hear about men being abused because it isn't manly to admit it.

I'm so sorry for your friend.

 

And your last sentance...the sooner we get rid of the gender bias, ignorance, and idiocy of that mindset, the better. (Don't get me wrong, I totally agree w/you, it just enrages me. Nobody should ever experience DV and then to top it off, have ppl view them as lesser than, simply b/c they're male)

[justLisa]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and understanding.

 

Cat, I'm not feeling like my truthfullness is being questioned, it was stated flat out:

 

That pisses me off, sorry.

 

Maybe if there were not so many gender bias and men must be this etc etc people would wake up and realize that a crazy person is a crazy person. A crazy woman can just as much manipulate a man into thinking he deserves it, is nothing and can do no better. And what is the man thinking? SHEESH if you assume someone is making things up why don't you just not say anything attall.

 

Like I said, my grandmother was you MIL imp, no one knows that if you haven't witnessed it. Just like a case of DV. It seems unreal but I don't know why someone would flat out call it that.

[gardenmom5]

Personally, I don't understand why it would be easier for a man to leave his abusive wife than for a woman to leave her abusive husband, because the psychological issues are the same -- and maybe even worse for a man, because he's supposed to be the "strong" one.

As I understand it, this sort of abuse is a lot more common than most people would think, but we don't hear about it because the men are too embarrassed and humiliated to tell anyone that their wives are abusing them. .

I think it's harder for a man to leave - women are more prone to social support. there are far more services for female abuse victims, many of which are NOT open to men abuse victims with claims that it would "threaten the women who just escaped a male abuser".

 

the expectations are women are victims and men are abusers (it has been drilled by an agendized group) and anything contrary causes meltdown. the reality is - men who say their wives are hitting them are not believed. women who say their husband is hitting them are automatically believed - even if she's lying and there is absolutely no evidence. and as one posted - the physical evidence is to the contrary.

 

and women who've seen the stats that men are physically abused in similar numbers dismiss them with "women are more likely to die". hello - physical abuse is physical abuse.

 

Thanks, Denise, Lionfam

 

Wolf told him if he needed anything, a place to stay, anything, to call us, we'd be there.

 

He's going to call him again tomorrow, b/c he's not sure if his friend 'heard' him and realizes that yes, the offer is 100% genuine.

I'm glad wolf is calling tomorrow - I'd even be a bit more forceful in "you do not derserve this and you need to get out. come stay with us, be safe, and we'll help you to get help." at least he doesn't have any kids to protect.

 

I know abuse victims often have a hard time believing offers of help are sincere and they'll be left high and dry if they do take you up on it. and that at best, they won't be resented for being helped. It makes giving aide harder because you have to get past the programming.

[tex-mex]

:grouphug: prayers. Many men are abused and are embarrassed to say anything. I hope he gets out before anything more happens.

:iagree:

 

My mom was just like this and one night, as a 3 year old, I witnessed her beating the c@ap out of my dad. The yelling must have gotten the neighbors to call the police. They showed up and arrested my dad. After that, they soon divorced.

 

Years later, as a child/teen, I began to understand why he took off. She was completely off her rocker and mean as a snake. I took off at the age of 17 and never went back home, either. :glare:

[tex-mex]

 

One day she literally punched him so hard he flew out of the front door and landed on his back. She came out the door to continue punching him and he put up his hands to block her blows to his face. In the process he touched her face. She got up and went into the house and called the cops.

 

This is similar to what I saw as a child -- my father protecting himself and touching my mom by accident. The cops saw him bleeding and saw no evidence on my mom. But they were old school cops, biased. She claimed he hit her and they arrested him. I recall him being in a fit of anger over the injustice of it that he kicked in a piece of furniture as he was being led away. Relatives later said my mom was lucky it was not her that he hit out of frustration. He was a timid man by nature.