Best discipline tricks for ages 3-5???!!

[hjordan423]

Please help by sharing some of your best discipline tricks that have worked on children ages 3-5.

 

We have a "beads" system where the girls get beads to add to their pipe cleaner "chain" for making certain good choices. They have to have a certain number of beads for various privileges.

 

I think it works fairly well for my 5 year old, but I don't think my 3 year old really makes the connection. (This is not the only thing we do -- just one thing.)

 

What works for you??? Thanks!

[gardenmom5]

I have five childnre - all past that age. seldom did anything work for more than one child. iow: they are different, and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

[LostSurprise]

I like that kind of physical thing that they can see and touch. We use pennies for my son. There's an illustration of the # of pennies he can trade different things for on the jar.

 

My sister had a daycare child who needed something even more concrete then that. He didn't respond to positive reinforcement (he didn't have the ability to make that connection or something). She used Smarties. He had a Smartie in his jar at the beginning of the day. Each time he made bad choices one of the pieces was removed. Each time he made good choices a piece was put in the jar. He received whatever was in his jar at the end of the day. (He never received more than 2-3 smarties at the end of the day and his mother approved that amount). Knowing that those candies were his visualized the consequences of his actions for him in a way talking and sticker charts never could. He mourned when one was taken away and he rejoiced when one was added. It was the only thing that had any effect on him.

 

Granted most people don't want to make candy the center of a reward structure, but for this child that was his currency so my sister used that to teach him consequences.

[craftyerin]

For us, it has been the strategies in Parenting with Love & Logic. I'm pretty sure they also have a book specifically for early childhood.

[Katy]

It really depends. Limited spanking for dangerous behaviors until they are verbal enough to reason. And only when I am completely calm.

 

Consistent rules and consequences for minor things.

 

And a certain amount of manipulation. For example, if throwing a tantrum in a store, I'll point and laugh. The humiliation stops it from ever happening again (Obviously this is for normal toddlers, please don't try this with older kids with some sort of diagnosis - that would be abusive).

 

For monsters under the bed, a baseball bat for them to beat it with until Daddy gets there to shoot the monster.

 

If a kid makes me angry, I will make them sit on the couch while I pace, possibly rant a bit, and pace some more before I calm down enough to give them a punishment. Sometimes I'm not actually that angry, but I feel a clear boundary is crossed so I act angry. When I finally sit down I start with, "I don't understand, you're usually such a good kid. Was I asking too much of you?" Which typically results in them bursting into tears with legitimate remorse. Even with remorse, there are still consequences.

 

I think the biggest guideline is not to punish when you're angry. They can sit on the couch and wait for their punishment until you're completely calm.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Really? Teaching is the best thing. I'm sure you are doing so anyway, but seriously, there doesn't have to be a consequence to everything. A reminder is often good enough when people are learning.

 

One redirection we've used recently is "uh oh" (from Love and Logic Magic which is the 0-6yr old book). It is so non-threatening and yet is clear.

 

Re-Do is a good method. The kid gets practice doing things the right way. Really isn't that more important than punishing them for messing up?

 

Raising a Thinking Child is a good thinking skills curriculum (think circle time type thing) to help them make good choices. It helps them figure out their goals, how they and others feel, as well as what will happen for each choice they consider.

 

Of course, natural and logical consequences (positive as well as negative) make sense.

 

Mostly, it just takes time for kids to learn.

[justLisa]

Really? Teaching is the best thing. I'm sure you are doing so anyway, but seriously, there doesn't have to be a consequence to everything. A reminder is often good enough when people are learning.

 

One redirection we've used recently is "uh oh" (from Love and Logic Magic which is the 0-6yr old book). It is so non-threatening and yet is clear.

 

Re-Do is a good method. The kid gets practice doing things the right way. Really isn't that more important than punishing them for messing up?

 

Raising a Thinking Child is a good thinking skills curriculum (think circle time type thing) to help them make good choices. It helps them figure out their goals, how they and others feel, as well as what will happen for each choice they consider.

 

Of course, natural and logical consequences (positive as well as negative) make sense.

 

Mostly, it just takes time for kids to learn.

 

I agree. we do not use the punishment/reward thing. I always tell my kids "I said thank you, that's enough " :lol:

 

Rewards are for behavioural emergencies only :D

Edited July 20, 2012 by 425lisamarie

[Farrar]

Really? Teaching is the best thing. I'm sure you are doing so anyway, but seriously, there doesn't have to be a consequence to everything. A reminder is often good enough when people are learning.

 

:iagree: From the time that my kids could speak, the only consequence was usually just to repeat the rule (no hitting, no throwing balls in the house, etc.) and later to articulate it themselves.

 

It's a nice idea with the beads, but we never went in for much of the rewards stuff. And the beads would have been too abstract for my kids before age 5. I would have spent more time figuring up the beads than actually redirecting the behavior and that would have been annoying for me and not useful for the kids. That's generally my complaint about most rewards systems.

 

I also think it's important to have as few rules as possible at this age. It's much better, IMHO, to have a few really key things you enforce really strongly and address every single time they happen than to have a million things you can't keep up with. When my kids were really little, it was always in the forefront of my mind to ask whether a rule was really necessary or if a rule was something the kids could actually do. If it was something that was desirable or necessary but that they couldn't actually do, I would often tell them at this age that by the time they were such and such an age they would be expected to do it - be quiet while waiting in a line, pick up more of their things, remember to put certain things away, etc. So then instead of you must do it, it was practice and building up to things.

[AdventureMoms]

I've just started a bead jar for DD. it's a little glass jar that she gets to put a pony bead (aka "jewel") in when she does certain things. Previously we'd been avoiding any of the reward kind of stuff, but this has been wonderful for her! Before with just my attempts to teach her the "rules" she was getting really upset that there were too many rules (no whining, have to brush your teeth, need clothes to go outside, etc. Same rules since she was a baby.)

 

Primarily for DD she gets beads for doing things independently that I know she can do. For example using the potty without me coming with her, getting herself dressed, etc. Also it's helping her form some good habits like putting clothes in the hamper, getting up and dressed independently, making her bed, finding shoes and putting them on without being asked, etc.

 

She also gets a small shot glass with beads that is full at the beginning of the day. This is the "good attitude bonus". I take away a bead when she whines or is rude. At the end of the day she gets whats left.

 

When the jar is full to a certain point, she gets a prize. She is hoping for a rapunzel dress for her first prize.

 

It has been about a week and so far it is awesome! She's suddenly willing to "be brave" and try things like going potty alone, she's not complaining anymore that there are too many rules, and she's volunteering to be helpful. Also, when we go to the store and she asks for something I can tell her she can earn it. Before I'd say "we'll put it on your christmas list" but she'd freak out because Christmas is an eternity away for a 4yo (her birthday was in May).

Edited July 20, 2012 by AdventureMoms

[RoundAbout]

Really? Teaching is the best thing. I'm sure you are doing so anyway, but seriously, there doesn't have to be a consequence to everything. A reminder is often good enough when people are learning.

 

 

 

:iagree: A teacher friend of mine who has worked with all kinds of kids from "normal" 5th graders to scratching and biting severe autistics once said to me:

 

"We would never dream of punishing a child because they can't read at grade level or have trouble memorizing their math facts, but we punish readily when a child hasn't yet mastered their emotions and social behavior." Social skills are like anything else - they take a combination of patient teaching, practice, and emotional growth on the part of the child."

 

I have used punishments in the past, but honestly I get the best results from using a firm but respectful teaching tone and making sure my child gets plenty of rest. I also try to anticipate things and give reminders/standards of behavior before we get into a difficult situation. Sometimes little heads just forget.

Edited July 20, 2012 by RoundAbout

[hjordan423]

Thanks for all the great info! I have already put both of the Love & Logic books on hold at my local library. Can't wait to read them. :)

 

I feel like lately I am doing a lot more "barking" at my children - and it's making me crazy. I don't want to be that mom. But taking them to public places lately (library, stores, etc.) has been humiliating. They run all over the place and won't listen to me telling them to stop and stay by my side.

 

The advice I've gotten on that is that I should just drop everything (even a cart full of groceries), pick them up and leave the store immediately. Well, that is so much easier said than done. I don't go shopping for pleasure, so if I'm there it's because I have to be -- and the thought of starting all over at another time is just too much. I just want to press on, get it done and over with, and then leave. And shopping without them is not usually an option.

[AdventureMoms]

In stores, the thing that seems to work best is for my DD is the rule that if she can't behave (listen, stay near the cart, not run all over the place or take stuff off shelves, etc) she rides in the cart. She gets one reminder, then into the cart she goes. Usually she settles down in the cart, but I have occasionally finished shopping (QUICKLY) while she screamed if I really needed to. Though usually her screaming sets her brothers off and I have three screaming kids, and at that point I can no longer think straight so I do leave if it's not a desperate situation. This has worked pretty well since about 2.5. In small enough places that there are no carts, we just leave for a few minutes then come back. The twins (20 months) are just not allowed out of the cart. Can't deal with it yet...

[Farrar]

I think you have to steel yourself to be a little embarrassed sometimes in the store as you work on it. Sometimes I think the more embarrassed and self-conscious a parent is, the more they clamp down in ways that don't really work with their kids. And you have to distinguish between behavior that's embarrassing (noise-making, running around a bit, pestering you for things, etc.) and behavior that's actually dangerous or crosses some line (running out of your sight, screaming, having a full on tantrum, etc.) I think you have to act on the latter and leaving the store is a potential option. I think if you tried to leave the store for the former every time, your family might starve. ;) However, leaving the store isn't really a great consequence. Part of the reason they're acting crazy is that they don't want to be there. Leaving can be a reward. Leaving an activity, a park, a pool, etc. makes a LOT more sense than leaving the grocery store.

[acablue]

Really? Teaching is the best thing. I'm sure you are doing so anyway, but seriously, there doesn't have to be a consequence to everything. A reminder is often good enough when people are learning.

 

 

:iagree: I don't think tricks work in the long run.

 

In stores, I stop them from what they're doing and explain how they need to behave in the store. I don't just call out for them to come back and stay with me, but actually kneel down, hold their hands, and explain, very quietly, that they have to stay by my side because it's a big store and I don't want to get separated from them. Taking that extra minute or two seems to help a lot.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I rarely used "tricks" for discipline. I worked on the relationship, teaching them how I wanted to behave, had them close to me so that I could praise them when they were good and redirect/correct them when they started to stray. I tried to make our home a place where it was easy to behave - not too much temptation for things they shouldn't do, a little structure to help keep them engaged, healthy food, appropriate rest, natural consequences where appropriate. I tended not to be very punitive as I found that hurt the relational aspects of parenting.

Some of my favorite parenting books:

The Discipline Book by Dr. William Sears

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish

Loving Your Child is Not Enough: Positive Discipline that Works by Nancy Samilin

Siblings without Rivalry by Mazlish

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Colorosso

Parenting with Grace by Popcak.