KnitWit Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Let Grandma build her own relationship with the kids. Unless her gifts are nasty or dangerous, stay out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EJCMom Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 If I decided that my children were over-indulged, I would stop contributing to that myself and discuss it with the local friends and family. The idea of asking the once-a-year grandma to stop leaves me :001_huh:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 My guess, this is so NOT about the stickers, coloring books and leggos. This is some type of passive aggressive way to deal with grandma when brother and SIL don't want to deal with whatever the bigger issues are. My god, say no to everyone else and let the grandmother give her little gifts. Who is harmed? The overindulged child is a red-herring. Something else is bothering them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I would allow Grandma to bring her gifts and stop overindulging the kids the rest of the time. Eliminating small gifts once a year from grandma will not make any difference if they are overindulged the rest of the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 :confused: Uh. Yes you can. I've done it. The world didn't end. It didn't have much effect, but I've certainly done it. I'm honestly a little surprised at the overwhelming response to let it continue. Maybe it's because I'm looking at this through the lens of the people in my life? The family members who insist on "goodies" for every visit (around 1 week total between their visits and ours) are the same ones who send large quantities of inexpensive gifts for all birthdays and holidays. Gifts for two children would fill a very large trash can, and we are about to have four children. If they weren't the type to shop at thrift stores, I'm certain there would be newer, expensive gifts instead. I really dislike the attitude it leads to. As a parent, I have the right to put a stop to it. Multiple small gifts during visits are a problem here, especially because they tend to come out at times when they exacerbate behavior issues. That said, I don't feel we are particularly indulgent. I don't hold some family members to a different standard than others. I also believe that neither excessive gift-giving nor spoiling are "rights" afforded to grandparents. I probably wouldn't say anything in the middle of a visit, unless my words in the past had been ignored. I'm clearly in the minority on this one though. What is described by the OP isn't overindulgent though. It's a pretty small number of gifts, and fairly modest ones. If the kid's are being overindulged, it isn't by grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 My guess, this is so NOT about the stickers, coloring books and leggos. This is some type of passive aggressive way to deal with grandma when brother and SIL don't want to deal with whatever the bigger issues are. My god, say no to everyone else and let the grandmother give her little gifts. Who is harmed? The overindulged child is a red-herring. Something else is bothering them. This is something I've also thought of. I also think that there must be something bigger at issue, but I am not sure what it is. I have some general guesses, but do not know exactly. I think my issue *now* is that I really want to say something to my brother, but do not want to make things more difficult for my mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 What is described by the OP isn't overindulgent though. It's a pretty small number of gifts, and fairly modest ones. If the kid's are being overindulged, it isn't by grandma. Exactly right on this. She is definitely not the one overindulging. Her gifts (I helped her pick them out) were not at all expensive and were not 'junky'. While she was there visiting, my sister-in-law's sister and her family came for an afternoon.. the sister of my sister-in-law brought two large bags of Playmobil toys. My mom said that my sister-in-law just took the bags and put them in a closet. So, I know that the kids are receiving loads of things like hand me down toys-- what perplexes me is that they *accept* all of these toys (and books and clothes etc..) and do not make any mention of it. Just put it in a closet--- it's what is normal and 'accepted' for their family. Why, then, is what my mother does once a year "too much". I find it very odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Let's say your kids were already overindulged by you, friends, other *local* relatives... Grandma sees your children once a year because of distance/location. She comes for a 4 day visit and brings with her a small gift for each day. (ie. book, coloring book, small Lego set) B. would never mention it. This is really unreasonable to make Grandma bear the burden of your (general your) over-indulged kids. She's GRANDMA. That's what they get to do; that is their prerogative. I'd stop myself and the others from indulging my children first before I'd get on Grandma about it. I would never tell Grandma she can't give the kids a small gift each day. It's not like she's in your life every single day giving them stuff. This is just something she enjoys doing, it sounds like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I agree. Grandma gets 4 days a year. Everyone else gets the whole year. I don't think Grandma's gifts would be the problem. 1000% agree! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) I agree with Cammie, seems like there is something more going on. Maybe the issue is since the kids are getting higher end gifts or hand me downs from others, smaller gifts are viewed as less than? Maybe there is another issue other than things and overindulgence. Maybe something to do with mom and brothers relationship growing up.....I wouldn't say anything to brother, unless of course he mentions it to you. I would try and find out what is going on from him though before you give your opinion. There might be something that has happened that you have no idea about. ETA: I would accept the gifts. If my kids are overindulged, I would look at the repeat gift givers, not grandma who visits once a year. Edited July 19, 2012 by QuirkyKapers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hwin Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I choose B as well. Sorry your mom's feelings were hurt :( Can you really have too many coloring books or stickers?! My MIL lives in Florida and hardly ever sees our kids, so if she wants to buy them ice cream for dinner, it's fine. I laugh and let her spoil him however she likes. My mom lives near to us and brings gifts once a week, and I have tried to gently discourage it. I think my son's growing ungratefulness will probably do the trick, though. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Let grandma be grandma and let it go. A small gift every day she is there won't hurt anything, it makes her happy. It's her way of showing love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelly1730 Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I've not read all the replys but as a mom AND a mimi;) I'd not make a big deal out of it. If the kids are already over-indulged, how is that grandma's fault? I can relate to not wanting any more "stuff" around the house but if it's only little things coloring books etc. what's the harm really? You can always clear out after the grandparents leave but I'd do what I could to allow them to foster the relationship especially since it's only once a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I would let grandma bring gifts. The things you mention don't seem over indulgent at all, especially once a year. It sounds like the problem is with others. I would let grandma enjoy her limited time and let her bring gifts. I would curtail the overindulgence being done throughout the year by others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoundAbout Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Poor grandma! Only 4 days a year and small gifts like coloring books? No way would I say anything. The closer relatives and friends would be shut down first. I have an overindulged only child and we *have* put a limit on grandparent gifts but we always gave plenty of advance notice. Our major complaint has been that DS's birthday is two weeks before Christmas so the holidays can get really crazy and overwhelming with presents and we don't want the holidays to be about stuff. Both grandmothers now simply spread out their gift giving with small care packages at other times of the year and when they visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted July 19, 2012 Author Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) I agree with Cammie, seems like there is something more going on. Maybe the issue is since the kids are getting higher end gifts or hand me downs from others, smaller gifts are viewed as less than? Maybe there is another issue other than things and overindulgence. Maybe something to do with mom and brothers relationship growing up.....I wouldn't say anything to brother, unless of course he mentions it to you. I would try and find out what is going on from him though before you give your opinion. There might be something that has happened that you have no idea about. ETA: I would accept the gifts. If my kids are overindulged, I would look at the repeat gift givers, not grandma who visits once a year. Yes...the more I think about it, the more I really think something else is going on. I wasn't there, so it's difficult for me to tell what, if anything, could have happened to make my brother and his wife decide to sit my mom down and have a 'little talk' with her. My mom and I are very close, and it bothers me the way my brother and sister-in-law treat her sometimes. I feel a bit overprotective maybe--- My mom was told that she should have saved the money she spent on the 'stuff' (which was really not expensive at all) and helped them buy a ticket to come see her next year. Just insensitive comments... ETA: I think it's important to say that my mom was embarrassed and a little hurt, but I think she handled it gracefully. She wasn't griping to me about it, but just mentioned it. She explained to them that it's hard to connect, and she just likes to have a little something for the kids when she comes. Often it's something that she and the kids can do together (like make Shrinky Dinks or color in a color book.. or read a story) Edited July 19, 2012 by lauranc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) A. mention it while she's there B. decide it's not that big of a deal and not mention it C. wait until Grandma returned home to find a way to work in the request. I've done all three! We have done mostly B. As far as C goes, when it comes to holidays and stuff we say things like "the kids already have lots" and "we have a small house"... type stuff. I also did A once - I brought loving Grandma up to see the closet full of toys I had stuffed to the gills and packed away (I rotate toys, but seriously, it's a lot out of rotation). In our case, 1/2 or so is from this particular loving Grandma. So I feel it is appropriate to talk kindly with her about it. Awesomely enough, this last visit the kids only got a couple of outfits and toys each. I think maybe keeping on having more kids helps to spread the resources out a bit. :) ETA: I didn't read the whole thread and it seems that it is some other issue going on... Is it possible that your brother and his wife are cracking down on everyone about the overindulgence, and your mom got a talking to purely because she was giving something, but wasn't part of the real problem they are trying to address? Just a thought. Edited July 19, 2012 by Tjej Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Why does Grandma have to be the only one who doesn't overindulge your kids? :iagree::iagree: The way I see it is let Grandma establish a relationship that is separate from the "toxic" or wounds of the past with her own son. It is up to the son not to pollute the kids with his view of his mother and when they grow up, they either realize he was right all along or they saw a different view of Grams. It sounds like she is being punished by the son? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChandlerMom Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) Yes...the more I think about it, the more I really think something else is going on. I wasn't there, so it's difficult for me to tell what, if anything, could have happened to make my brother and his wife decide to sit my mom down and have a 'little talk' with her. My mom and I are very close, and it bothers me the way my brother and sister-in-law treat her sometimes. I feel a bit overprotective maybe--- My mom was told that she should have saved the money she spent on the 'stuff' (which was really not expensive at all) and helped them buy a ticket to come see her next year. Just insensitive comments... WOW. It's bad enough to sit grandma down over a few shrink sinks and coloring books, but to have the audacity to tell her how she SHOULD have spent her money instead??? And to tell her she should help buy them tickets??? That is just unforgivably rude. It is her money and if she wants to fill her suitcase with coloring books for the grandkids, they should suck it up. It's not like she's buying them candy or pointy sticks. I'm sorry, but it sounds like your brother needs a quick slap upside the head. My MIL is a serious piece of work, but I would never treat her like that. Again, WOW. Edited July 19, 2012 by ChandlerMom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live2Ride Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 I only wish my kids had grandparents/relatives that visited. As it is, if I want my kids to have a relationship with some of them, I take them there. Little gifts are fun for the child and the grandparent. I'd leave it be. You could always make sure that your children understand the art of giving too, by doing a sweep of the room from time to time wit them and donating things they no longer need or want. That way they aren't overloaded with things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 B. For Pete's sake. I think brother or sil has got a corncob problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Once a year? I'd deal with it-and adjust what I give the kids accordingly if needed. DD is the only grandchild FIL has contact with, and he enjoys going shopping with her and buying her things. She knows not to ask for anything specific, and to be appreciative of what she gets, and DH and I try to make sure that when we're in, say, the lego store, that they're looking at $30 sets and not $300 ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Ha! That's exactly what I want to do. I don't want to make things worse for my mom though. Honestly, I think she is afraid to upset my brother as he tends to give the silent treatment if he doesn't like something someone has said. She wants to have a relationship with my niece and nephew and doesn't want to make any waves. IT's cruel to use Grandma's love for the kiddoes as a weapon. That sounds like what your brother is doing. Grandma cares for the kids...let's yank her chain regarding the kids. Sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackson'smama Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 ditto others - stop allowing/promoting overindulgence locally. i've felt similarly to you in the past with inlaws we only see once or twice per year. there are always toys involved (they actually take the kids shopping). and the problem I see with it is more of a "i don't want the kids to look forward to said trip for the shopping experience more than the experience of being with grandparents." so i just really try to talk up the whole grandparent experience and visiting and spending time and try to ignore the toy purchases in hopes that what they take away over the long haul is the relationship not the material items. alot of that burden is also on the grandparents. i won't go any further on that subject though. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I read all of your posts in this thread and it seems like you are seeing things very clearly. It is very sad for your mom and must be very difficult for you. It agree that it sounds like there is some other issue that needs to be addressed. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 B. decide it's not that big of a deal and not mention it Sounds like it's not Grandma's problem...it's everyone else's problem, and maybe the parents' problem for overindulging or allowing overindulgence from everyone else. I don't think Grandma's little gifts are overindulgences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 I wouldn't say anything. heck, we don't say anything to MIL about sending dvd's of The Demoniac Boy or cds on manners, or cut outs from magazines, and other garbage. Just pitch and carry on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauranc Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 I read all of your posts in this thread and it seems like you are seeing things very clearly. It is very sad for your mom and must be very difficult for you. It agree that it sounds like there is some other issue that needs to be addressed. :grouphug: Thanks. Initially I couldn't really quite get why they would have said something.. I realized, though, that there is definitely something more going on. It's a little deeper than a few coloring books grandma brought out. I'm now working on sorting my own feelings about it out so I don't disrupt my mom's relationship with my brother and his wife--- I think it's just about *me* taking some of my own advice and trying to keep my mouth shut about the whole thing! (not so easy to do :tongue_smilie: ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 It brings them such joy to be the bearer of gifts. It is their expression of love. (and since it only happens every year or two...I can deal with it) :iagree: The grandma who is there once a year shouldn't have to suck it up for all the other over-indulging that goes on. It's really hard to build a relationship with kids you don't see often and gifts are usually a way to do it where kids are concerned. And if she doesn't have as much money as the rest of you, make sure the kids are enthusiastic about what she does give them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Ha! That's exactly what I want to do. I don't want to make things worse for my mom though. Honestly, I think she is afraid to upset my brother as he tends to give the silent treatment if he doesn't like something someone has said. She wants to have a relationship with my niece and nephew and doesn't want to make any waves. Yes, best not to insert yourself. There is some other issue going on--territoriality from your s-i-l would be my guess unless your brother is a turkey jerk in general. Your mom could maybe do experiences with them next time--or take games with her. It's really hard to build a long-distance relationship and gifts are kids' love language. :( for your mom. I hope I have kind, mature d-i-l's! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Why does Grandma have to be the only one who doesn't overindulge your kids? My thought as well. I would choose B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alphabetika Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 BIf the Grandparents see the kids once a year only, I would let them do as they please. I would address the overindulgence at the local end. It must be hard for them to see the grandkids so infrequently. I would not want to rob them of the pleasure to give gifts. :iagree:Absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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