iluvmy4blessings Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Short intro: I homeschooled for many years, but due to divorce I had to put my kids back in school. I have my education degree and was hoping I might find a job in a small private school where I could bring all my kids with me and still have them near. Finally after 2 years I was hired at a wonderful private school right by my house. I will be able to bring all 4 of my children there with me so it is a true blessing. Now here is my dilemma. Have any of you ever had a friend that suffocates you? There is a woman I met through my church whose children I tutored for her for quite awhile. She is nice, BUT she has serious issues with space and boundaries. From the start she has wanted us to be best friends together 24 hours a day. It has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I've never had anyone who is so compeltely clueless on boundaries. More than that, she does a lot of things that border on inappropriate. I'm not saying she is necessarily unsafe with kids. It's more of voice control, saying odd things at the wrong times. No social cues in place. She thinks that she just has one of those "fun quirky" personalities. I would call it annoying and obnoxious....lol.... Her daughter is also going into 7th grade and has the exact same issues. She wants to constantly follow my daughter around everywhere they go. She wants to insist that they always be together. She is also loud, bossy, intrusive. They went to the same school last year and it was a nightmare. She was always pulling my daughter away from other people. She is as possessive as her mom. This year FINALLY we will be at this new school. I was thrilled not just for the opportunity, but for the SPACE from these people. Well sure enough, as soon as this woman finds out I am going to be working there and putting my kids there, she immediately marches straight up to the school and applies for a job there as well. She doesn't understand the requirements to get a teaching position because she does not have a degree. However, there is a daycare center there so that is a true possibility. She has already been talking day and night about how she is praying she will get a job there so she can put her daughter in there as well and we can all "BE TOGETHER"!!! AAAAH!!!! I feel like I am being stalked. My daughter is totally depressed at the idea that she will never, ever have a life of her own. To be honest, I feel the same way. I have actually considered sayign something to the principal of the school about it, but I have no idea what I would say!!! Without thinking, I put this woman down as a reference on my own application b/c she was one of my main tutoring clients. I feel like if i say something to the principal about her, it might make me look as if I have drama in my life. That is the last impression I want to make on a new employer. Not to mention it's a free country and I can't really keep her from working there if they hire her. HELP! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle My Bell Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Forget saying something to the principle, you need to say something to this lady! It will be difficult, but you should only have to do it once and then it will be over. If it is too difficult to say, then maybe a letter will do. Since she is clueless, this sounds just like what she needs to hear. Hopefully she will back off then. God Bless, Michelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 You need to talk to your "friend"! If you don't enjoy her company and the relationship doesn't encourage and bless you, then it's not really a friendship. Since she is so clueless, I hope she gets it when you do tell her how you feel. When she does understand, hopefully she will drop the idea of her kids attending the school so "you can all be together". I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. but just think of the peace you will feel when you have your life back. Blessings to you, :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie in Oh Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I mean, if she is really clueless, maybe she thinks you would give her a positive recommendation. If so, I would use that to your advantage. I mean, you can't honestly reccommend her, can you? Beyond that, I would really try to establish some boundries. I understand it is difficult, but you must, for your sanity. Explain to her that since you are taking on this new postion, you are going to be REALLY busy and will need to have more time to work on lesson plans, etc. Don't accept invitations, etc. It will only encourage her. I usually alway have one draining friend. This seems beyond draining. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 You need to set up boundaries for her. The boundaries might be something that allows for a once/week phone call. They might be (esp. at this point) something that cuts off the relationship the entire way. Since you met her at church, you might consider talking to your pastor - not to gossip about her but to genuinely ask for advice on how to set up boundaries with this fellow "sister". Perhaps the pastor might be willing to sit down with both of you to set up healthy boundaries for both you and this woman and your daughter and this woman's daughter? (I'm thinking "aloud" as I type here but the reason I'm suggesting this way is that perhaps by having another person - esp. a respected one - in the picture is that it diffuses the focus off of just you and might provide some perspective for her (and it might provide some help for her if she feels like her world is crashing down around her without you being there 24/7). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Thanks for all the replies. I have tried numerous times in the past 2 years to discuss with her the boundary issues. She has had about a 10% improvement in the last 12 months. She used to show up at 7 am and want to stay all day. She now calls first and after I tell her I'm busy she stays away. She still calls daily though to see if she can come over. She used to show up at midnight or even 2 am. She no longer does that anymore. I have a history of being too nice and it gets me in a lot of trouble with people who like to take over your life. I have not yet mentioned to her that I do not want her working in the same place as me, or her daughter going to the same school as my daughter. How I would even say something like that I have no idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Thanks for all the replies. I have tried numerous times in the past 2 years to discuss with her the boundary issues. She has had about a 10% improvement in the last 12 months. She used to show up at 7 am and want to stay all day. She now calls first and after I tell her I'm busy she stays away. She still calls daily though to see if she can come over. She used to show up at midnight or even 2 am. She no longer does that anymore. I have a history of being too nice and it gets me in a lot of trouble with people who like to take over your life. I have not yet mentioned to her that I do not want her working in the same place as me, or her daughter going to the same school as my daughter. How I would even say something like that I have no idea. You just say it because otherwise she isn't going to get it - EVER. "Listen, I'm sorry but I'm really not interested in spending time with you. We don't have anything in common and you don't respect my space. Please stop calling and hanging around us. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear, but I've tried for 2 years to be nice about it and you just don't listen." And I'd give my dd 100% support for saying the same thing. She should be able to make her own friends and do her own thing. And do not feed her issues by: Answering her calls. Letting her over to visit. Or in any other way associating with her. She will take that to mean you are over it and have forgiven her and things will go right back to the way they are now. And for goodness sakes don't recommend her if you were used as a reference! Yes, I know that sounds terribly mean and harsh, but some people simply do not listen unless you are brutally blunt. :auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Why not just explain that it's not healthy the way her dd acts towards your dd, ie. not letting her have any other friends. Tell her bluntly that your dd doesn't want to see her dd every day and she wants to be able to make other friends. Someone mentioned "personality conflict" and that would be a good phrase to use with this lady. It's normal for children who were once friends when they were younger to drift apart as their personalities and interests change. I think there will need to be some degree of hurtful, yet truthful, things said to her in order for her to stop her smothering behavior. I would also point out to her that YOU want to spend more alone time with just your kids and have time to make other friends and explore hobbies/interests on your own. If you still want to maintain some contact/time with her, then you should tell her it needs to be just once a month. Same for time with the dd's- that is if your dd even wants to continue to spend time with her dd. If this family does get into the school, then you will need to make sure the daughters get into different classes. And if the lady continues to pursue the job, letting the principle know that you only put her down as a reference regarding your own qualifications and the reference doesn't go both ways, hopefully that will help her not get the job! HTHs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawn E Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 :grouphug: So sorry you are going through this. When I first moved to CA after graduating from college, I fell into a similar relationship. There was an older lady attending the young singles class. She was rather ostracized and I felt sorry for her. I befriended her, and quickly discovered that things were not as they should be. She wanted to do everything, EVERYTHING together. When I got invited to a new church I was ecstatic at the opportunity to sever ties. I called and told her that I would not be coming to church. She insisted that I pick her up and take her with me. I said no. I told where I would be going, that she was free to attend, but she would have to make it there on her own. I got in late that Saturday to a note that she had a flat tire and needed me to pick her up Sunday morning to take her to church. Ugh. I totally felt stalked and emotionally manipulated. It was difficult, but I had to shut down the entire relationship. It wasn't safe, it wasn't edifying. As a Christian I really struggled with making that call, but know that it was the right one. Things were getting quite scary. I don't know if you have to completely cut off the relationship, but you may. If she is unable to work with you re: boundaries, cutting the relationship off may be the only way to move forward. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this right now, and your poor daughter also. It breaks my heart, as I know that individuals struggling in this area desperately need something. But, it is something that they truthfully cannot get from us. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Well, if misery loves company, perhaps it would lighten things up to know you're not alone! http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2920807.html ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashleen Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 At a time in my life when I was going through some major issues and leaning a bit *too* much on one friend in particular, she had a talk with me about how she didn't feel that she could meet all of the needs in my life and that she felt she could be a better friend to me if there was more space between us. She was asking me to move out. It was extremely difficult to hear, but it did me a world of good. I learned a lot about not dumping on my friends, as well as about how to deal gracefully with other people. When you tell this woman to get her own life, you really will be doing her a favor. She needs to know that her behavior is not endearing her to people. I'm willing to bet she has "issues" in her life that need worked through and she's latching onto someone who seems to have it all together so she can tag along and feel like she has a normal life instead of dealing with her own issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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