My sister is a widow

[*LC]

I'm sorry. Thank you being there to help your sister. Your decision to delay the start of school is a good one; you need to give yourself time to grieve also. The kids do too even though they probably don't recognize it.

 

My husband died five years ago. He was on hospice for a while, so we knew it was coming. However, I was in a fog for a long while. In looking back, I have no recollection of a lot of big things that happened in that first couple of years.

 

I agree about applying for SS. I do remember that you can call to start this process. You call for an appointment, which can be in person or over the phone. There are certain documents she will need at the time of the appointment, but she doesn't need them to call and start the ball rolling. I don't know if you BIL being on disability will make this different, but since I was a SAHM at the time of my husband's death, I receive a monthly SS check. Assuming nothing changes with me or the system, I will receive that until my youngest turns 16. When my oldest turned 16, it did not change the amount of the check at all. My kids also receive checks.

 

Has your sister asked you to take over homeschooling the kids? I say this gently. (My family tried to make some changes for my life for me without asking me what I wanted.) She may need/want something to do. (Sometimes, I think I was too busy homeschooling and trying to give our kids a normal life to grieve properly. Other times, I wonder how a widow functions who has nothing to do all day but grieve.) However, it won't be possible for her to a good job homeschooling for a while. So, if she wants to do the teaching, I would suggest asking if you can help split the work, with you teaching the subjects that she doesn't like to teach. I look back at my homeschool records from before my husband died, and I'm amazed at what I did. Next year, I will only be homeschooling my two youngest, who are 8 and 10 now, and I am trying to keep my plans realistic about what I can do now. I am still not capabe to doing what I use to do when I was homeschooling 2nd and 5th graders the first time around -- our last normal homeschool year. I'm glad to say that I have higher hopes for this year than when I did when I taught 3rd and 5th with another set of kids 16 months after my husband died. The other things I have to handle now that my husband use to handle take time. That time has to come from somewhere. (I don't know how disabled your BIL was, so I don't know how much he did around the house/yard/children. Even if your sister did it all, I found that losing the ability to talk over problems that come up with the kids with my husband was a huge blow. Not having anyone to brainstorm with makes making decisions harder; it makes the decision-making process longer.)

 

The advice you received about it taking years to get back to normal functioning is correct even if it seems like she is doing fine to you. We look fine to others. I still can't handle cooking dinner properly. I can only think of 4-8 things to cook off the top of my head. I recently bought an EMealz subscription, so we would have variety in our diets again.

 

Plan on talking about your BIL forever (unless your sister specifically tells you not to). My kids and I talk about my husband frequently, however, our families don't when we are around. My husband was a great guy, and my kids lose out hearing about all the cool things he did since our families don't mention him.

 

Again, I'm sorry. Prayers to all of you.

[DaffodilDreams]

No advice but :grouphug: for you and more :grouphug: for your sister and her kids.

[Denisemomof4]

That is horrible. I kow nothing about being a widow, but I have studied, somewhat, grief. The grief process is such an individualized thing. Your sister needs to forget about schpol COMPLETELY and just allow herself to BE as she tries to hold it all together for her kids and herself.

 

The kids are SO young. A year off of school at those ages is NOTHING. I had to do it myself as I cared for my dying parents (they died 11months apart) and was so worried. My kid's education and staying on grade level suffered NOTHING.

 

I am so very sorry your family is dealing with this. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

I'm so sorry. How horrible.

 

If there is no life insurance (check through work, just in case), the children should be elegible for SS Death benefits. It's a terrible thing to contimplate, but that is something that will help them.

 

It's too much to consider. That poor family.

[Mom25girls]

:grouphug: I am so sorry.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry!

[LisaN.]

I am so very sorry for your sister's & her children's loss. The grief!

 

Praying for everyone involved. What a sweet sister to volunteer to take on the teaching aspect. Praying that your family knows when and how to support them.

 

Hard.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry for your family's loss.

[athomemom]

:grouphug: and prayers. So sorry for your loss.

[ClassicCole]

So sorry for your loss. I loss my husband 19 months ago very unexpectedly. Leaving me with a houseful of kids. I have continued to homeschool. It was one of those things which provided a bit of normal for the kids and I. The first holidays and the things we use to do, I tried to keep the same for that first year. Now I am keeping some the same but starting new traditions and such. The first months are like a fog and you just go through the motions. It is a rough ride and it was difficult but each of children had to grieve in their own way. We are finally finding our new normal and peace. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I'm very sorry.:grouphug:

[Guest Delkroemer]

I just wanted to say I am sending prayers your family's way.

I cannot even imagine losing my husband, especially when you are a homeschooling family and had a small income to begin with.

 

You're sister is blessed to have a sister as caring as you, your willingness to take over schooling her children until she feels she can is incredibly sweet. Otherwise, I would have to agree with others and say she should just take time off from schooling and focus on taking care of herself and those precious kiddos. I don't know much about insurances or benefits, but I pray they are entitles to some and when she is ready maybe your sister could find a work at home job or outside the home job and still work things out to homeschool.

 

God bless your family, He will carry you all through this difficult time :grouphug:

[KnitWit]

:grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry for the loss of your bil. I will say a prayer for your sister and her kids as well as the rest of the family.

[Kari C in SC]

First I want to say how sorry I am. I did not lose my husband in a car accident, but I did lose my son. It is just so unreal. They are fine - you have just talked to them and they are FINE and then they are not. A friend and I were talking recently about my dd going away on a missions trip. She said to me, "She will be fine." My reply to her (nicely) was this, "Timmy was FINE until he wasn't." There just are NO WORDS no matter how or when you lose somebody you love. My dh's brother (who lives next door to me) lost his wife nearly 9 years ago. He was with me when the soldiers told me my son was dead. I remember thinking about him that day in my haze. Wondering what hurt more - losing your child or your spouse. I decided they both rock you to the core, but I think losing your spouse might actually be harder because I leaned so heavily on my husband to get me through. He was hurting just as much, but in my moments of absolute insanity - he was the one that calmed me down. My heart goes out to your sister. I am sitting here 2 years after the death of my son and as I write this - the tears are falling because I hate that anyone has to ever hurt this bad. Life just plain sucks sometimes.

 

My dh died of cancer when my dds were 6 and 11 (in September.) I was homeschooling both of them at the time. I sent dd 6 to school right away, because I felt that was in her best interest. With dd 11, I just focused on the basics that first year, and enrolled her in school the next fall.

 

I had a family business to run, and I could not (can not) do a good job with both the business and the girls' school.

 

Your sister should get to the SS office, just to see what her daughters can get. There is also a one-time death benefit (which is very small.)

 

:grouphug: to your sister, my heart goes out to her. Make sure she gets continued support over the next 4 years, at least. I found that help tapered off after 3 months, and after a year people expect you to just be "over it". Well, you never really get over it- and I was not anything resembling healed emotionally for 4 years. But everyone grieves differently- I hope you sister heals faster than I did.

 

I gotta say how much I agree with you on the time that people really pay attention. You get meals in the first weeks and then not so much. What some people do not realize is that in those first couple weeks - you are just so numb that nothing really matters or helps. It is after those couple months that the numbness starts to dull and the real pain begins. That is NOT to say that I don't have wonderful family and friends that have and are still helping me. It is just not as many. And I have had a very good friend (that I love) basically say that I am using this as a crutch and that I need to not let it consume me or my family. Boy - that hurt. She got angry when I said to her to choose one of her children and know that she will not see them until she reaches heaven and to think about a horrific death for them. Then tell me to just get on with my life. BTW, this is my best friend and we love each other. I consider it lack of knowledge and not cruelty on her part - just she has no idea what is like to be me.

 

I'm sorry. Thank you being there to help your sister. Your decision to delay the start of school is a good one; you need to give yourself time to grieve also. The kids do too even though they probably don't recognize it.

 

My husband died five years ago. He was on hospice for a while, so we knew it was coming. However, I was in a fog for a long while. In looking back, I have no recollection of a lot of big things that happened in that first couple of years.

 

I agree about applying for SS. I do remember that you can call to start this process. You call for an appointment, which can be in person or over the phone. There are certain documents she will need at the time of the appointment, but she doesn't need them to call and start the ball rolling. I don't know if you BIL being on disability will make this different, but since I was a SAHM at the time of my husband's death, I receive a monthly SS check. Assuming nothing changes with me or the system, I will receive that until my youngest turns 16. When my oldest turned 16, it did not change the amount of the check at all. My kids also receive checks.

 

Has your sister asked you to take over homeschooling the kids? I say this gently. (My family tried to make some changes for my life for me without asking me what I wanted.) She may need/want something to do. (Sometimes, I think I was too busy homeschooling and trying to give our kids a normal life to grieve properly. Other times, I wonder how a widow functions who has nothing to do all day but grieve.) However, it won't be possible for her to a good job homeschooling for a while. So, if she wants to do the teaching, I would suggest asking if you can help split the work, with you teaching the subjects that she doesn't like to teach. I look back at my homeschool records from before my husband died, and I'm amazed at what I did. Next year, I will only be homeschooling my two youngest, who are 8 and 10 now, and I am trying to keep my plans realistic about what I can do now. I am still not capabe to doing what I use to do when I was homeschooling 2nd and 5th graders the first time around -- our last normal homeschool year. I'm glad to say that I have higher hopes for this year than when I did when I taught 3rd and 5th with another set of kids 16 months after my husband died. The other things I have to handle now that my husband use to handle take time. That time has to come from somewhere. (I don't know how disabled your BIL was, so I don't know how much he did around the house/yard/children. Even if your sister did it all, I found that losing the ability to talk over problems that come up with the kids with my husband was a huge blow. Not having anyone to brainstorm with makes making decisions harder; it makes the decision-making process longer.)

 

The advice you received about it taking years to get back to normal functioning is correct even if it seems like she is doing fine to you. We look fine to others. I still can't handle cooking dinner properly. I can only think of 4-8 things to cook off the top of my head. I recently bought an EMealz subscription, so we would have variety in our diets again.

 

Plan on talking about your BIL forever (unless your sister specifically tells you not to). My kids and I talk about my husband frequently, however, our families don't when we are around. My husband was a great guy, and my kids lose out hearing about all the cool things he did since our families don't mention him.

 

Again, I'm sorry. Prayers to all of you.

 

I also agree with you on the needing something to do. My son died in May. I took the summer off from school, but when we went back to a routine - it was what we needed. We needed some sort of order in our lives. I actually put tons of doctors and other appointments on my calendar to make sure I had to get myself up and out each day. I was a bit of a wreck at some of those things, but I just did the best I could. And can I thank you for saying that you still have trouble figure out how to cook. I didn't know why I couldn't figure these things out anymore. I have the hardest time remembering what I used to cook. I knew in the first year and even two that my brain was in a fog, but at this point - I do believe that trauma shatters parts of your brain. We also talk about my son daily. I can't imagine not talking about him. It is like he dies again if you don't talk about him.

 

Anyway - to all of us that have lost somebody way too freaking soon - lots of hugs. To the OP - you are a good sister. I am lucky enough to have an amazing sister too. We have to love and help our family the best we know how and I think you are off to a good start. Blessings to your family.

[twinmami01]

So sorry for your loss. I am praying for your family.

[DawnM]

So sorry

[jenL]

No advice, just lots of :grouphug:. I am so sorry for your family's loss. I know watching my sister go through this would be so difficult, so I understand how you are feeling. God bless all of you. :grouphug:

[MamaCoop04]

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. What I wanted to add was you might want to check out the possibility of help from organizations for homeschooling widows. I saw an advertisement in our convention magazine, but I can't remember the organization's name. I googled it, and a few came up (Home School Foundations: Widows Fund). It may just be some help you didn't realize existed. Praying for peace and comfort.

Edited July 20, 2012 by MamaCoop04

[SorrelZG]

:grouphug: So, so sorry. :(

[sbgrace]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry.

 

My brother in law was killed in a car accident in 2005. I know my sister got support through an online website http://www.ywbb.org/forums/ubbthreads.php because there were others going through the same things.

 

At first there will be shock. You're right that she'll need continued support over extended time. Firsts (holidays/birthdays/anniversaries without etc.) are very hard. For my sister the days leading up to/anticipation were I think harder than the actual days. Of course it continues to be hard after that first year too and I think sometimes people forget the support is still needed. Oh, I'm just so sorry.

Edited July 20, 2012 by sbgrace

[mom2denj]

So sorry!! I will pray for your family!:grouphug:

[Kathryn]

:grouphug: I'm so very sorry.

[besroma]

I so sorry. :grouphug:

[TN Mama]

I am so sorry. :grouphug:

[mothergooseof4]

I'm sorry. Thank you being there to help your sister. Your decision to delay the start of school is a good one; you need to give yourself time to grieve also. The kids do too even though they probably don't recognize it.

 

My husband died five years ago. He was on hospice for a while, so we knew it was coming. However, I was in a fog for a long while. In looking back, I have no recollection of a lot of big things that happened in that first couple of years.

 

I agree about applying for SS. I do remember that you can call to start this process. You call for an appointment, which can be in person or over the phone. There are certain documents she will need at the time of the appointment, but she doesn't need them to call and start the ball rolling. I don't know if you BIL being on disability will make this different, but since I was a SAHM at the time of my husband's death, I receive a monthly SS check. Assuming nothing changes with me or the system, I will receive that until my youngest turns 16. When my oldest turned 16, it did not change the amount of the check at all. My kids also receive checks.

 

Has your sister asked you to take over homeschooling the kids? I say this gently. (My family tried to make some changes for my life for me without asking me what I wanted.) She may need/want something to do. (Sometimes, I think I was too busy homeschooling and trying to give our kids a normal life to grieve properly. Other times, I wonder how a widow functions who has nothing to do all day but grieve.) However, it won't be possible for her to a good job homeschooling for a while. So, if she wants to do the teaching, I would suggest asking if you can help split the work, with you teaching the subjects that she doesn't like to teach. I look back at my homeschool records from before my husband died, and I'm amazed at what I did. Next year, I will only be homeschooling my two youngest, who are 8 and 10 now, and I am trying to keep my plans realistic about what I can do now. I am still not capabe to doing what I use to do when I was homeschooling 2nd and 5th graders the first time around -- our last normal homeschool year. I'm glad to say that I have higher hopes for this year than when I did when I taught 3rd and 5th with another set of kids 16 months after my husband died. The other things I have to handle now that my husband use to handle take time. That time has to come from somewhere. (I don't know how disabled your BIL was, so I don't know how much he did around the house/yard/children. Even if your sister did it all, I found that losing the ability to talk over problems that come up with the kids with my husband was a huge blow. Not having anyone to brainstorm with makes making decisions harder; it makes the decision-making process longer.)

 

The advice you received about it taking years to get back to normal functioning is correct even if it seems like she is doing fine to you. We look fine to others. I still can't handle cooking dinner properly. I can only think of 4-8 things to cook off the top of my head. I recently bought an EMealz subscription, so we would have variety in our diets again.

 

Plan on talking about your BIL forever (unless your sister specifically tells you not to). My kids and I talk about my husband frequently, however, our families don't when we are around. My husband was a great guy, and my kids lose out hearing about all the cool things he did since our families don't mention him.

 

Again, I'm sorry. Prayers to all of you.

 

I was widowed when my kids were very young. I ditto the above post especially the parts about asking her what she wants. I know people are acting in love ad trying to help, but she needs to make her own decisions unless she specifically asks you to just take something off her plate. I am on my phone right now but will pm you later with more.